The Baconing

The Short

Pros
- Basic loot driven action RPG
- It has dialogue in it
- Graphics look cartoony and nice
- Kind of reminds me a lot of the Deathspank games

Cons
- Good thing this isn't a Deathspank game, because if it was it would be the same recycled crap all over again
- I mean, really. It clearly isn't. "Deathspank" isn't even in the title
- As a savvy consumer, I have brand awareness, and based on that alone I can conclude this is not, in fact Deathspank 3
- Because if it was Deathspank 3, it would be one of the laziest, lamest, most unfunny rehashes of an already beaten-to-death game series I've ever played
- And this would be especially bad if it was $15

Thank goodness! A new action RPG from the makers of Deathspank!

The Long

Wow, Hothead is really amazing! After releasing the sort-of-good-despite-itself Deathspank, they followed it up with a really cashed-in, mediocre sequel Deathspank: Thongs of Virtue. I was worried that they'd keep trying to milk this franchise with something like Deathspank 3, probably using a corny subtitle involving bacon that is drawn out and not funny, but I was in luck! It seems Hothead is trying a whole new franchise, completely separate from that other basic Diablo knock-off game with bits of humor (and by "humor" I mean "the one Ron Gilbert wrote was sort of funny" [and by "the one Ron Gilbert wrote was sort of funny" I mean "Deathspank 1"]). I must commend them for releasing two new IPs in such a short span of time, completely different and not at all the same as each other.

So let's take a closer look at this totally unique, not-Deathspank sequel because if it were it would say "Deathspank" in the title: The Baconing.

If you are not a savvy gamer, you may think this is a picture of Deathspank. BUT YOU ARE WRONG, GAMER TROGLODITE! FOR THIS IS CLEARLY NOT DEATHSPANK, YOU CASUAL ANGRY BIRDS PLAYING TARD!

The Baconing has a rich and unique storyline not at all tied to previous Deathspank games. In The Baconing our main character Deathspank (which I assume is a totally unique and new character who just so happens to have the same name as the iconic character from the Deathspank games, which are totally unrelated to The Baconing) has rid the world of all evil (prequel potential?) and is now bored out of his skull. He also wears a lot of thongs, which is also unexplained, though it does seem oddly similar to Deathspank: Thongs of Virtue's ending. Luckily,  I'm smart and know this is not the case.

Anyway, these thongs are evil, so he has to travel the world and throw them into the sacred Bacon Fires in order to stop an uber-Deathspank mech from destroying the world. 

I will say this: I sure am glad The Baconing is its own original IP and not a Deathspank: Thongs of Virtue sequel. Because if it was, it would be one of the lamest, poorest, most desperate attempts to extend an already concluded story (with multiple endings) into a completely asinine premise. 

Also, this game thinks its funny but it really isn't. At all. I'd say something here like "it's somehow even less funner than Thongs of Virtue", but since the two games are clearly unrelated I will refrain from saying something so uneducated an uninformed. I do have gamer blog integrity here, you action RPG peasant. 

This casino includes a delightful new feature: run around a whole lot to get quests far away that do nothing. Once unique to Deathspank, now a part of The Baconing

Speaking of Action RPGs, that's what The Baconing is, if you took everything that made them compelling and streamlined it to the point of extreme boredom. Plenty of gear drops, but there isn't any big decisions to be made here, so much so that you can have an "automatically equip best stuff" button so you don't even have to go into the menu. Brilliant. Why even have armor at all? Who knows. 

This is a similar system that was implemented in Deathspank and, while tolerable there, got extremely boring in Thongs of Virtue, especially once you realized all the little "ticks" that make these grindy-looty type games actually enjoyable were streamlined so much they were completely gone, and you were just playing the same damn game over again. But this is not Deathspank, this is The Baconing, so what would have been an absurdly tired and downright monotonous tedium-fest through the quagmire of boring suckness is now amazingly bright and fresh again. I squealed with glee every time I leveled and the bonuses were so small and gated it didn't matter. I was overjoyed when I kept getting variations of the same weapon that just did slightly more damage, essentially meaning the game never changed. I was enraptured in the throngs of virtue (whatever that means) as I spent the majority of the game walking and eating food on a timer because the potion limit is so obscenely small. All these features, which were tolerable in Deathspank only because it was the first to do it, were magically made fresh because this game was called The Baconing and not Deathspank III. Thank goodness for that.

Also Strong Bad is in this game. COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT MUCH?!

This game looks totally and completely fresh, assuming you have never played, seen, or been around someone who has ever played a Deathspank game in their lives. Which, considering this is a new IP, you probably haven't! And a good thing, too, because this is by far way blander than any of those games. While the sort of weird computer world is cool, you only go there for a few brief moments, and the rest of the world is brown and gray. Even sailing (a feature I'd say was lifted from Deathspank II without frills, but this is a new IP so forget I said anything I should just delete this sentence on nooooo) is on muddy looking water with tons of random islands that look bad and have nothing to do on them. The Animal Crossing-esque world rotation is still sort of a neat gimmick, but it's been overdone in the Deathspank games. Too bad games from a totally different series coincidentally had a similar art style that tarnished what would have been The Baconing's unique and lemony-fresh graphical style.

The music, I am sorry to say, is directly ripped from Deathspank. I don't know if The Baconing (as a new IP) was made by a fringe group in Hothead or something, but the Deathspank guys really should sue them, if that's possible within a company. Every song is exactly the freaking same as Deathspank, from the battle songs to most of the roaming music. I mean, come on guys! I know we recycled sound effects and stuff in the NES days, but this is 2013! Get with the program! 

This game has clones in it, which is weird because The Baconing feels like a clone of Deathspank. But luckily it's a totally different game, as I might have said once or twice during this review. 

Thank goodness Hothead knows what they were doing. Had this been a third Deathspank game, one without any notable improvements, upgrades, or even the slightest of changes, I'd have been downright infuriated to have had been forced to play it. It would have been one of the most cashed in, cheapest sequels I've ever experienced, with recycled music, graphics, and even less humor than the already unfunny Thongs of Virtue. Not to mention the streamlined ARPG mechanics, which were decent at best previously, would now only exacerbate the fact that this game is the same monotonous tripe we experienced in Thongs of Virtue, and trying to stretch the idea for a freaking third game would have been abhorrant and downright insulting. In brief, the game would have been literally painful to play, and this reviewer wouldn't even have had finished it, quitting shortly after the 2/3rds mark.

HOWEVER!!!

Since The Baconing CLEARLY does not have the word "Deathspank" anywhere in its title, I am completely sold on the fact is is a new IP and thus everything in this game is fresh, unique, and fabulous. Thank you, Hothead. Thank you for not releasing useless drivel that causes me actual, physical pain to experience. Thank you for not filling me with regret for even installing the game, despite having gotten it as an extra in an indie bundle. Thank you for calling this The Baconing, and distancing yourself completely from the Deathspank IP. 

Because if you hadn't, it would have been beating a dead horse into the ground that had already been beaten to death in Thongs of Virtue. Much like the overrunning joke for this review has been completely and utterly wrung dry, probably back on like the third paragraph.

One out of five stars. 

Editors note: The Baconing is actually Deathspank 3. This review was supposed to be funny as an overexaggurated reaction to the fact they took "Deathspank" from the title, obviously because people were seriously bored of the IP by this point. I apologize if somehow you got to the end of this without understanding, but if you did...maybe The Baconing is the game for you.