Perfect Dark

The Short


Pros
- Looks pretty dang good on the N64, even old and blocky
- Reasonably solid controls
- Guns are great, especially the FarSight (see through walls!)
- Decent length single player
- Four player co-op has a hearty amount of fun options

Cons
- Requires the expansion pack to not suck
- Controls, while exceptional at the time, haven't aged particularly well
- Time has not been kind to this game in general

Guns: CONFIRMED

[Note: This is a review of the N64 version of Perfect Dark, not the Xbox 360 rerelease)

The Long

Perfect Dark is a game a lot of people really liked. Essentially a spiritual successor to Goldeneye 64 in many ways, it ditched the modern day aesthetic (but kept the "secret agent" bit) and threw itself into the cyberpunky future, with corporations (always a problem in the future, if video games and movies are to be believed) messing stuff up, the president looking uncannily like Obama, and...aliens? Yeah, the story kind of gets...zany, but as a whole Perfect Dark was a revelation of sorts, and certainly helped push the N64 at least a little away from its "kiddie" image. 

It's just unfortunate that the game hasn't particularly aged well since it's N64 glory days. But we'll get to that.

Perfect Dark follows the adventures of Joanna Dark, a secret agent...sort of, in a world where aliens are battling and the president is in trouble. Honestly, I don't remember much about the story except I didn't get most of it, and it was basically just an excuse to keep shooting dudes. 

Despite the blocky polygons, Perfect Dark had a lot of style

The game offered a lot of improvements over its predecessor, Goldeneye 64. It added reload sequences for each weapon, a lot more multiplayer modes and maps, the controls felt tightened, you could beat up enemies and take their guns, the ability to shoot guns out of their hands, and greatly improved AI (though it still looks pretty stupid compared to some modern games). It was a fast game (though not even comparable to the PC FPS games at the time like Quake) and supported the four-player split-screen mayhem we'd come to expect from Goldeneye. And while you might consider it the same game with a new coat of paint (which it...kind of is, to be completely honest), the improvements make it better in nearly every way. 

I'm not saying Perfect Dark was the revolution Goldeneye 64 was (when essentially we figured out we COULD pull off FPS games on a controller), but it certainly feels like a more refined and expanded game.

Seriously, it looked pretty good (though this screenshot is emulator cleaned-up)

Now I'm not one to rain on the party of those who love the game. I have a full boxed copy and everything, so you know I have fond memories. But after loading it up a ton of years later, this game just...I'm not feeling it. I'm sorry guys, I really am. I can appreciate the art style and everything it did for the genre, but it just doesn't play that great anymore (this includes the Xbox 360 version, which I tried out after to see if the duel-sticks work better. They do a little, but not a lot).

Here's the thing about Perfect Dark: It was a stepping-stone game. Goldeneye 64 was a revelation, no doubt, which made lots of its shortcomings forgivable. Perfect Dark was a step in the right direction in many, many ways, while still maintaining the solide framework of Goldeneye. It's just that lots of FPS games have come out on consoles since Perfect Dark, and a lot of them are just better games, especially with the advent of duel analog sticks. 

I'm not saying this game isn't fun anymore, because it is if you can find three other fans and go blasting away. I'm just saying that, when compared to modern FPS games, it's clunky as hell and isn't appealing. I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to go through that single player again, even though I know I really liked it back in the day. The genre has evolved since then, and taken lots of things and made them loads better (you can thank Halo for a lot of that, though that's a review for a different time).

I still love you, Perfect Dark, but you got old and kind of ugly. 

If you don't believe me, go grab the demo on XBLA and tell me it has aged well. Seriously, do it. If you play it and are totally contented, then by all means buy it or rev up your N64 and go back into it. For me, while I'll still enjoy playing it with friends from time to time, and I'll still remember it fondly, I'm going to keep it like that: remembering it fondly, instead of playing it a lot and getting frustrated.

Still, if you collect retro games your collection has a pretty large hole without this title, and seeing that you can nab it for pretty cheap (~$5 if you are savvy) you might as well go get it. Just keep in mind you'll need that N64 expansion pack if you are going to actually, you know, play it.

Nintendo: Making you buy more crap for your systems since...well, the NES, actually

As it stands, age hasn't been kind to Ms. Joanna Dark, but I think that's ok. If you have nostalgia for it, you'll be willing to (mostly) forgive. If you don't, though, you might want to pass it up. It isn't a bad game by any means (in fact it's a pretty damned good one), but it is certainly a product of an era that has passed us by.

If I were to give it a (modern) star rating, it would be three out of five. This would also apply to the XBLA version, though I didn't go into specifics, since the score deductions weren't based on graphics at all (which is essentially what the XBLA version changed). 

The Legend of Dragoon

The Short


Pros
- Fun, complex combat system
- Ability to change between normal heroes and their "Dragoon" form
- Multiple battle songs that change throughout the game
- Lots of party members with unique combos and abilities
- Music is actually pretty good
- Really good looking CG cutscenes
- Decent in-game graphics for the PS1 era

Cons
- Story is absurd and idiotic
- While the game does have some voice acting, it is all terrible
- Load times, especially for battles, are atrocious
- Extremely linear
- Your best healer character is also the worst character
- Tries its hardest to be Final Fantasy, still falls flat
- Despite being made by Sony, has yet to see a re-release on the PS3's "PS1 Classics" downloadable service

Remind you of something? Also, this is emulator up-rezzed

The Long

The Legend of Dragoon was Sony's answer to Final Fantasy. There was no denying the force that Squaresoft had brought to the table with Final Fantasy VII, spawning not one but two generations of Sony consoles that heavily focused on the JRPG genre. Turn based, strategic RPGs had finally exploded in the West, and Sony wanted a piece of this spiky-haired pie. So it made The Legend of Dragoon, a four-disc, world-spanning adventure that more than slightly resembled its inspiration. 

The Legend of Dragoon follows the story of Dart (what is it with JRPGs and giving main characters stupid names?). When his "childhood friend" (who is a girl. Obviously) is kidnapped and his village ransacked (seriously, I'm not making this up) by evil soldiers, Dart runs after her. He finds out that he is the chosen one (if you were playing a "JRPG cliches" drinking game, you'd be hammered before beating the first disc) who can summon the power of the Dragoons, and essentially turn into big, bulky armored winged dudes that can use magic and kick butt. Of course, there's an evil empire that needs crushing, allies to be enlisted, and a massive adventure to undertake, so off you go, Dart!

Anime fairy girls with giant hammers to recruit. You know, the usual. 

The story is, for lack of a better word, stupid. Sure there are a few plot twists involving one of your characters being a traitor, and the final boss not really being the final boss, but I kid you not when I say all the key points are ripped, almost exactly, from Final Fantasy IV (spoilers incoming). Character in your party who may or not be on your side (Kane)? Check. Final boss who may or may not be under the control of somebody far worse (Goblez)? Check. Final boss is of some sort of relation to the main hero, meaning the power of family ties can eventually redeem his broken soul? Check. A bunch of people die only to be immediately replaced by new characters with the exact same stats and weapons? Check. Nobody dies permanently? Yep. This game read every single JRPG and anime cliche and stuck it in a blender with some Mario RPG and Final Fantasy and this is what came out. So if you play your JRPGs for the usual fare of "quality" melodrama mixed with brooding characters, predictable twists, and just generally poor writing...this game is for you.

The characters themselves also aren't much to write home about. As stated above, you do have two of them die or otherwise leave the party, only to be instantly replaced with somebody with the exact same stats. There's a character that is actually exactly the same as Edgar from Final Fantasy VI (complete with spear, sassy womanizing attitude, and the fact he's some king) which meant I had to keep him in my party the whole game because Edgar is awesome. But the point stays: The Legend of Dragoon's writing completely fails to impress. Oh, there is some voice acting (mostly in battle or CG cutscenes), and it's all awful and grating too. Props to Sony for trying (it took Square until the PS2 to put voices in), but it just all sounds bad. 

Yeah, but could Edgar turn into some giant, metal-winged dragon dude? I THINK NOT! Legend of Dragoon: 1.  Final Fantasy VI: 0. 

Despite the story being total garbage, the rest of the game is actually pretty decent, especially for fans of the genre. You have your traditional turn-based, three party RPG battles with plenty of enemies and loads of bosses. The game would have probably quickly become your regular grindfest had it not integrated a fun and unique battle system: timed attacks. Basically if you've played Super Mario RPG on the SNES, you'll know how this works. Press the attack button at the right time during a swing, and your character will execute a "follow up" hit. The Legend of Dragoon takes this and cranks it up to a billion. Each character starts with a usual "one button press" hit, which you can time with a handy square...thing (it works, ok?) during the attack. After you've executed a set number of hits perfectly (read: not messing up the square button pressing thing), you unlock more complex ones. Some of the ending ones are seriously 9-11 button presses, one right after the other, which results in some crazy moves and massive attack bonuses. Considering most RPGs are just the "mash X, watch stuff die" variety, adding this timing goes a long way in keeping the game fresh, and constantly giving you new combos means you are still being challenged even at the end of the game.

The downside to this is your main healer (a girl, obviously; what did you expect?) uses a bow, so she is the only character that doesn't get combos. Why? That means she's stupidly underpowered, but you can't justify taking her out of the party because you need her healing. I don't know why you'd gimp one character to completely, but...whatever. 

Pair the neat combat system the fact they all can turn into weird looking Dragoon dudes. After registering a certain number of hits (which gives you "Spirit Energy," another reason to use the harder combos) you unlock the ability to turn into a Dragoon. As a Dragoon you are stronger, can use some really wild magic (which costs your now-decreasing Spirit Energy), do more timing-based button attacks, or just generally...look cool. The magic is awesome but the cutscenes for each are really long (though not as bad as Final Fantasy VIII's summons, they do come close) so hopefully you like watching flashy PS1 effects. After your Spirit Energy runs out you are back to being boring, normal person again, and the cycle repeats. 

You have never seen a regular attack be this INTENSE

You then level, buy new weapons and items, get new party members, yada yada yada. It's standard fare from there on out, with the exception being the game is extremely linear. Think Final Fantasy X or XIII, with the game shuttling you from one dungeon to the next. The overworld is also very straightforward, with free-roaming nonexistant as you are moved from town to town. As an added bonus, if you want to go back to earlier parts their data is on earlier discs, meaning you get to disc swap up the butt if you ever want to backtrack. So don't backtrack. FORGE AHEAD, DRAGOON!

The music is surprisingly good throughout. Though it isn't Final Fantasy quality, it is generally catchy and well realized. It also uses a lot of CD quality (hur hur) instruments that make it sound better than the midi renditions of most of the PS1 era Final Fantasy games, so points to Legend of Dragoon for that.

What it really does on the music side that makes me happy is that each disc has its own "generic battle" song. Which, if you've read my other reviews, is a huge sigh of relief for me. My biggest beef with JRPGs (and what almost killed Persona 3: FES) is the fact that they use the same damn battle song throughout an entire 60 hour game. Come one! Just write a few more; how hard could it be? Legend of Dragoon mixes up the battle (and boss) songs across discs, which is awesome. So points to you again, Legend of Dragoon. You were ahead of your time.

You also had a pretty good boss song

While the CG cutscenes are really good looking, the in-game graphics are nothing to write home about. It's your usual super blurry, disproportioned polygonal anime characters with spiky hair you've seen a hundred times before. Unlike this era's RPGs, however (Legend of Dragoon came out around the middle/end of the PS1's life), things seem a bit more...blocky than they should. I know graphics mean next to nothing now since the PS1 is so old, but when compared to other games of its time Legend of Dragoon looked dated even when it was brand new.

Prepare to be Dragoon'd!

If the graphics are showing their age, it's the load times that are horrendous. I don't really mind waiting between areas or scenes, but when the battles take something like fifteen to thirty seconds to load, you know something's up. And they don't even try to mask it like Final Fantasy IX does by panning all around the battlefield or whatever. No, you have to watch the screen melt from top to bottom, slowly, and then you get the pan and are in the battle. It takes for freaking ever, and since this game is actually pretty hard (read: you'll need to grind out a few levels), you end up spending a good chunk of your game watching the screen melt. 

Just watch the beginning. See how long that takes? Urgh.

Legend of Dragoon was a game that I bought for $15 from Wal-Mart way back in the day, and then proceeded to beat the entire thing in three days straight by doing nothing else. It's an engaging experience, especially if you are a fan of this era of JRPGs, but as a whole it hasn't aged particularly gracefully. Lots of people hold a good deal of reverence for Legend of Dragoon, which is fine, but I honestly think when compared to both JRPGs before and after its release, Legend of Dragoon is found to be lacking in many areas. 

The game apparently is worth more now than what I paid for it: copies go for around $20-25 on eBay. I cannot recommend the game at this price, unless you have nostalgia for it. If the game does ever show up on PSN (which is weird that it hasn't, since Sony made it), I'd guess it would be priced around $5, which is fair but, again, this game hasn't aged particularly well. If you are dying for a PS1 era RPG and can get it for $10, it's probably worth it. If not, I'd say leave this one behind.

Though if they did make a sequel, I'd probably play it. Just saying, Sony.

For a star review, I'd give it two out of five stars. I'd probably have rated it four out of five back when I played it the first time, but I'm not reviewing how I thought of games then, I'm reviewing what I think of them now. And again: this game isn't awful (which is why it gets two instead of one or zero stars), it just hasn't really withstood the tests of time. 

At least we will always have Dart's spiky hair. And pre-rendered backdrops. 

King's Quest VII - The Princeless Bride

The Short


Pros
- Beautiful, hand-drawn graphics and animations
- Excellent midi music
- Play as two different characters, a first (and last) for the series
- Refined controls from the previous games make it much easier to pick up and play
- Puzzles are the best crafted in the series, many with multiple options
- Excellently diverse side characters
- Areas you visit are fun, unique, and extremely varied
- Final adventure game in what is considered one of the best adventure game series of all time
- Full voice acting throughout

Cons
- Unlike Torin's Passage, this game hasn't aged well
- Voice acting ranges from "decent" to "ear-rippingly bad"
- Story is borderline idiotic
- Both main characters are extremely obnoxious
- Rosella (who was a strong female lead in King's Quest IV) has been reduced to a valley-girl putz
- Has had multiple versions released, making finding the "best" version difficult

King's Quest VII's art style was a rapid departure from the series' norm. 

The Long

This review comes with a story. I have, over the years, purchased King's Quest VII no less than six times (beating out Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne, which I have bought four times). I first bought the game shortly after it was released, but after a freak accident where I was holding the disc while running down the hall and subsequently scraped it against the plaster of our wall (hey, I was like eleven, I was allowed to act like an idiot), I had to go buy another copy. 

A few months later we had a yard sale, the only one I can recall doing in the history of my entire life. At it, my brother and I tried to sell some games for extremely discounted prices. Well, apparently they weren't discounted enough, because some jerkbag stole about half our games from off the table. King's Quest VII was one of them, and apparently I changed my mind about it because I bought another copy.

Skip ahead to around 2004. I was going to college, and I suddenly decided I wanted to play this game again. The King's Quest Collection (the original package) was going for outrageous amounts on eBay, so I decided to just buy a vanilla copy of King's Quest VII. Well, I got my copy but to my shock it was one of the original copies pressed, meaning it only worked on Windows 3.1. Despite complaining to the seller that his auction wasn't specific, I didn't get my money back, so I bought another copy (after checking it would work in Windows 95) and finally got some King's Quest VII on after nearly a decade. 

There is literally no indication on any of the discs which version is which. I wrote "3.1" with a sharpie on my copy so I wouldn't try to install the wrong one in the future. 

Skip ahead another few years. I was at Bookman's in Phoenix with my now-wife, and they were selling a copy of the re-released King's Quest Collection for only $10. These versions had been optimized to work on modern machines (mostly, anyway), so obviously I picked it up. To my dismay, however, the version of King's Quest VII, while still working on my machine, was actually the 3.1 build which had less features (the newer version allowed you to increase character movement speed [a much needed improvement] as well as squashed a few bugs). I am actually right now considering buying the version on Good Old Games just to 1. Have a non-physical copy and 2. See if it is the better version. Somebody should probably stop me before this gets (more) out of control.

Anyway, the point of this story is so you know how much I have invested in this game over the years, so when I tell you that - even with rose-tinted goggles - this game has not aged well, you know it is really hard for me to say it.

The face only a mother could (and does) love

Before I get into the bad let's get into the good: the game still looks pretty fantastic. The animated cutscenes are sort of a downer (as you can see above, they weren't exactly of the highest quality even back in 1995), but the in-game stuff all looks fantastic. Though Rosella does look like she's sort of moping around everywhere she walks (except when she is a troll, where she has good hustle), all the animations are top notch and the background are simply gorgeous.

The areas you go in the game are well complimented by their graphics because the places themselves are really interesting. King's Quest games thrive on taking you to unique and exciting places, but King's Quest VII easily trumps them all in terms of variety and creativity. You have the underground troll caves, which are built around a volcano and feature a depressed dragon. You have Ooga Booga land, which is pretty much a ripoff of The Nightmare Before Christmas, but that's ok. You have the absolutely gorgeous mystic forest, which has in it what might be my favorite town in any game ever: a village of animals run by Arch Duke Fifi 'la YipYip, a presumptuous poodle.

This place is so stupidly hilarious. I love it. 

There's also Etheria, a mystic city in the clouds (which you only go to at the very end of the game, and with only one character), and a sort of blandish desert, but everything just looks and feels so fresh and interesting you can't help but want to explore.

The side characters, as mentioned above with Fifi, are by majority completely absurd. Again, King's Quest is known for having some weird and crazy characters in it, but this one takes it all and ramps it up to almost parody levels. You can tell Roberta Williams had a ton of fun with this and, considering it's the last "true" King's Quest game, it makes you wonder if she knew the series was finally running out of steam and made this the last hoorah.

Ooga Booga land use to scare me as a kid. There are some pretty messed up ways to die. 

The puzzles, also, are some of the best in the series. Abandoning the "look, use, walk, item" mechanics of King's Quests V and VI, King's Quest VII reduces everything to a single button click (with the exception of items, of course), essentially streamlining the entire game. Your curser will give you indication by sparkling when you can interact with something (which may or may not kill you; this is an adventure game after all, deaths are frequent), and that's pretty much it. Deaths, as I said, are frequent, but unlike previous games where a hard reload is required, instead you get scolded by the (now dead) character before being given the chance to simply try again. It's a system that Torin's Passage and almost every modern adventure game now uses, so in that regard you could argue that King's Quest VII pioneered it.

But anyway, the puzzles: they are quite good. Another "staple" of the genre (that probably helped kill it) was the fact that most puzzles were stupidly obscure. The King's Quest games have always been good at avoiding this stereotype, and VII is the best of all. Combined with the streamlined controls, puzzles are tricky enough to make you feel smart when you get them, but easy enough that you don't feel completely stumped for too long. There are a few areas (the desert at the beginning and Etheria at the end) that are a bit too open-ended, but all-in-all King's Quest VII is totally doable without a guide, which is more than can be said for most old adventure games. 

Sorry, Al Lowe. Roberta Williams isn't called the "mother of adventure games" for nothing. 

I hoped all you nostalgia people enjoyed my positive points, because now I'm going to rip this game to shreds.

King's Quest VII has the worst story in the entire series, paired with the worst characters. It's obnoxious, trivial, borderline sexist, and has one of the most tacked-on endings of any King's Quest game I've played. Almost everything Valanice (the queen, in her first and only role as a playable character in a King's Quest game) and Rosella (who was a strong protagonist in King's Quest IV) say makes you want to hit them, and considering writing and story are what makes up for the somewhat mediocre gameplay in adventure games, this is a huge problem.

The story starts off with Valanice scolding Rosella because she won't get married. Rosella, who pretty much kicked ass and took names in King's Quest IV (she fought her way out of slavery in order to take her place as the princess of Daventry), is now a whiny, air-headed valley girl who wants nothing more than to "go on an adventure." "But mother!" She whined in the opening as Valanice points out potential marriage prospects, "he's so boooooring!" Really? This is what you turned these characters into? Walking cliches? 

I suppose Valanice does get what she wants, though, because (MASSIVE SPOILER...not really) Rosella finds some guy that she met in King's Quest IV at the very end of the game and - guess what? - they get hitched. Thus proving you can have one adventure in your life, and then it's off to makin' babies. Which is probably why Valanice didn't get a game until now, and why she spends most of the game crying.

It does have giant Gila Monsters, though, and as my wife knows I think gila monsters are awesome. I usually let this one eat Valanice every time I play, just because it gives me a good deal of satisfaction.

Seriously, see in the picture above? See the comb? That's Rosella's comb. At the beginning, when the two are bitching at each other about whether or not Rosella should be able to choose what to do with her life or get married and be a good housewife (like Valanice), Rosella jumps into some pond for an unexplainable reason which turns into a magical warping portal. Valanice jumps after, but on the way down Rosella gets grabbed by a troll and sucked to the troll kingdom, while Valanice ends up in the desert land. Cue five plus hours of Valanice whining, crying, and moping about her daughter. As an added bonus, you always have the option to "use comb on Valanice," which makes her poor, fragile emotions shatter and causes her to break down into sobs every single time. 

I find this almost as offensive as Super Princess Peach, where you use her rampantly fluctuating feminine emotions to save Mario. Almost. 

As an added bonus, the "use comb to make my character cry" is the solution to not one but two puzzles in the game. What? Not to mention if you show it to just about anybody Valanice will almost completely break down as she explains how she can't find her daughter, which makes me wonder if while her kids were off on adventures in King's Quests III, IV, and VI if she just sat in bed with a bottle of anti-depressants and a tub of ice cream until they came back. 

Rosella isn't much better. She's a spoiled brat (which makes no sense given King's Quest IV) who constantly complains. She's turned into a troll right from the start (yay!) which I think is some attempt to give her character an arch as she learns that it isn't about being ugly but about not being a total bitch, but the fact that she (again, SPOILER) turns a fake troll king into a total stud who she then marries out of the blue kind of defeats that life lesson, doesn't it? She whines constantly, and at every character, and despite the fact that she's doing some pretty amazing things and besting some pretty difficult enemies, she never develops at all. Look, I don't need a lot of depth in my adventure games. I'm really not that picky. I just want to have characters that I can like and relate to. Neither of these characters do that for me. 

Add on the fact that you have literally no information with regards to why the villain wants to (essentially) blow up the world (minus the fact that she was some ex-fairie from Etheria and got booted out? Something like that?), how Edgar from King's Quest IV got roped into this, or how the crap Rosella and Valanice got home, and you have a plot that's a jumbled mess complete with an unsatisfying, "deus ex machina" filled ending.

And they all lived stupidly ever after

And that's where the rose-tinted glasses don't save this game. I still have a great deal of affection for the game. I love the music (the gravedigger song in Ooga Booga land will be stuck in my head until the day I die), I love the beautiful places you can visit, I love the side characters (Jackalope for president!), I love the art design, and I love the puzzles. I just hate everything that has to do with the characters I'm in control of, which makes replays of this game a sort of bittersweet reunion. 

Maybe I'm just being too picky, but if you don't believe me I encourage you to pick up the game and run through it again. If you are willing to overlook these rather glaring faults in the name of nostalgia, I commend you. For me, I'll still keep buying this game if they keep selling it to me, but in the end I begin to wonder if it's out of unbridled affection or just habit at this point. 

You can get it and the atrocious abomination known as King's Quest VIII: Mask of Eternity for $10 off Good Old Games. Personally, I'd suggest picking up their previous pack (which has King's Quests IV, V, and VI for $10) first, since you are basically playing $10 for King's Quest VII which, as stated, hasn't particularly aged gracefully (like Valanice, M I RITE?). They should really just take it away from that horrible eighth game and sell it on its own for like $5, but since that is currently your only option it's up to you.

For a star rating, I'd say three out of five. Yes, I complained a great deal about this game, but even just writing this review made me want to ignore its faults and play through it again, which is a sign of a game that still works despite its flaws. If you don't have any nostalgia for it, though, dock a point from the final score. 

Wait, someone made Arch-Duke Fifi 'la YipYip fanart? A BILLION OUT OF FIVE. 

Torin's Passage

The Short


Pros
- Funny, bizarre story by Al Lowe of Leisure Suit Larry fame
- Hand-drawn art and animation looks good, made by an animator who later quit Sierra to work at what is now Pixar
- Voice acting is well done throughout
- Sidekick "Boogle" adds some flavor to interesting puzzles
- Weird, hilarious characters. Nobody in this world is freaking normal.
- Travel into the planet through five unique worlds
- Standard adventure-game fare at a time when the genre was coming to an end

Cons
- Some puzzles have stupidly obscure solutions
- Love story is tacked on and completely dumb
- Two of the worlds (three and four) consist almost entirely of puzzles with no story elements whatsoever
- Was touted by Sierra as a new series, never saw any games past the first one

Strata is a weird planet. TO THE CORE!

The Long

1995 was a weird year for adventure games. King's Quest VII: The Princeless Bride (which would be the last true adventure game title in the King's Quest series) had come out a year before, touting great hand-drawn animation and a simpler style. For a genre that had started with sentence text commands, it had then moved on to point-and-click but with lots of options (think LucasArt's Secret of Monkey Island games), then was streamlined further by Sierra to have simply "speak," "look," "walk," and "use." King's Quest VII dropped this all for a simple, one button interaction interface, which has remained in use to this day with the adventure games revival.

The point of that history lesson was that King's Quest VII essentially marked the final attempt of adventure games to modernize, and despite being a good game it essentially failed. Adventure games died out, never to be seen in full force until TellTale would pick them back up just a few years ago, bringing back a genre that was both beloved and completely forgotten.

Torin's Passage, created by crude-humor master Al Lowe as a game his 9-year-old daughter could play, was essentially the game that turned off the lights and shut the door on the way out with regard to its genre. Released almost a full year after King's Quest VII, it had similar graphics and interface, and was intended by Sierra to be a new game serious. However, since the market for adventure games crashed, it took whatever hope Torin's Passage had for a sequel down with it. That's too bad, because Torin's Passage is a pretty dang good game. 

It even had a full-on parody of black-and-white, awful sitcoms in the middle of it. Yes, this game is weird. 

The story is a simple one. Torin, a blonde-haired dude with a popped coller and questionable attire, lives on a farm with his parents. One day the evil Lycentia, a sorceress from "the lands below" shows up and freezes them in carbonite (essentially), whisking them away beneath the planet's surface for unknown reasons. Torin, not one to take this sitting down, grabs his purple, shape-shifting pet Boogle and goes on a world-delving adventure in an attempt to rescue his parents. Simple enough stuff.

The game's interface is unique. You have two sets of inventory: Torin's, which contains expendable items, and Boogle's, which (as seen above) contains everything he can shapeshift into. Boogle's antics are entertaining and goofy, though in truth you don't really use him as much as one would hope. This is Torin's story (and his "passage," apparently), so most of the game will be spent using, well, Torin. 

Each world has a distinct flavor about it, and while you carry a few items between worlds, most of them are self-contained with regards to items and the puzzles you use them on. A weird trick is that if you play the game straight through (rather than warping to a particular world), you keep an axe you get on The Lands Above throughout the entire game, though you never use it past the first world. Huh, alright. 

"RAWR I'M TORIN LOOK AT MY POPPED COLLER AND DESPAIR!"

The game looks pretty decent, even running at just 256 colors. While Torin and co. do look a bit like they were drawn in MSPaint, the animation is fluid and the characters delightfully odd. The animation was handled by James G. Murphy, who now works at Pixar, so it's quality stuff throughout. The long movie sequences that start off each chapter are also well rendered, a mix of CG and art that could have come straight from a 1995 Disney movie. Every object can be rendered and looked at in 3D, adding a little depth to some puzzles, and while the UI box at the bottom is freaking massive (look at it! It takes up 1/3 of the screen!) it doesn't hinder gameplay any.

Speaking of the characters, there are loads, and they are weird. From a King whose wife badmouths him constantly, to an insane "borderguard" who has been waiting twenty years for a replacement, to two talking snails who engage in leaf-boat races around a moat, to a depressed tree that cries sap, just about everything in this game is totally off the rails. It makes sense why nobody wants to go down to the lands below; as the borderguard warns: "Them worlds is filled with nutsos, psychos, malcontents... politicians!"

And this guy, who complains that he only has "10 meg" crystals to hold his sound clips in

The funny characters really help bring the game to life, which is why the third and forth worlds are so disappointing. World three has little plot aside from a horribly tacked-on "love" story that both starts and ends in that world, and aside from that simply shuttles you from puzzle to puzzle. World four is even worse: an uninhabited lava world that is essentially a massive maze with nobody to talk to or interact with save Boogle (who can't actually talk). Considering worlds one, two, and five are so completely nuts and hilarious, it's odd that they totally skimped out on putting any interesting characters in two entire chapters of their game. It really hurts the games pacing, and makes it seem like it was rushed out the door unfinished (which it wasn't, oddly enough).

The gameplay itself is standard adventure game fare, with a few tricks to keep it from getting boring. As you can see on the pictures, there is a timer on the right with a question mark. If it is down, you can click it for a "hint" at a cost to your overall score. It normally is on a timer (every five minutes or so), but you can have it so hints are always on or off if you so desire. 

My bane of adventure games - walking everywhere - is also fixed by two very simple options. You can up Torin's walking speed to an insane level, making him look extremely goofy as his animations show him leisurely walking but he is hauling around the world. Or you can simply right click anywhere and Torin will "warp" there, cutting down all walking completely. It's an appreciated gesture, though it does mean on repeat playthroughs I sort of just warp everywhere. 

The back of the box even has Al Lowe's face on it. And there's a totally secret death message you can get personally from him, but I'm not going to tell you how to get it, mwahahaha!

The puzzles are a mixed bag. Some are very straightforward, with what item you use on what making perfect sense. Others are completely random. For example, you need to find the biggest leaf in a group of leaves to give to the (previously mentioned) speedboat moat-racing snails. There's an area full of leaves, but how do you measure which one is the biggest? The solution is...obscure. You go back to your house, where an inchworm is hiding in a basket. After finally catching him you use it on the leaves until you find the biggest leaf of all (get it? Because it's an inchworm, it knows which one is biggest. That...makes total sense). What?

This difficulty fluctuates frequently. That puzzle I just mentioned was in the first world, but many in the second world are pretty straightforward. Though there is a part where you are supposed to climb down a cliff face that gives no indication that you are supposed to go down it (since it has a different path on the top of it that is more straightforward), where my poor eleven-year-old brain got stuck for days until somebody at school was nice enough to drop me a hint (we didn't have internet until Windows 98, and even then I had no idea sites like Gamefaqs existed, even if they were sort of bare-bones). Then you have the third world, which is basically a "romantic" cutscene followed by some really easy puzzles you can just brute-force your way through if you don't like to think. This sort of fluctuating difficulty is a staple of the genre, I suppose, but it also shows why these games fell out of fashion as game design became more refined.

This world sucks. No questions. 

Despite these many complaints (which only indicate that the genre this game was a part of hasn't aged gracefully), I still have a lot of love for Torin's Passage. I played it around the same time I played King's Quest VII, having just gotten off what many consider to be the greatest adventure game of all time, King's Quest VI: To Heir is Human. I liked this game a lot more (probably because it had a guy main character and a purple transmorphing dog vs King's Quest VII, which stars a bunch of ladies) even though both share a similar art style and approach to puzzle mechanics. As an end to an era, Torin's Passage wasn't the best note to end on, but it was certainly a passable one. The weird humor of Al Lowe makes up for a lot, and I still find myself awed by both the great animation and the funny, adult jokes that went completely over my head when I was eleven. So in that respect, the game certainly has found new life in my older, more dirty-minded self.

I don't know what this guy is on, but I ain't touchin' it. 

This is one of the few retro PC games I've reviews that isn't on Good Old Games yet. I still have my original disc and manual (though not the box; this was back when PC games came in those massive paper boxes) and you can actually get it to run on Windows 7 if you do a lot of compatibility changes. Used copies go for about $5-10 on ebay, which if you loved these old-school adventure games and thought Al Lowe was a funny guy, that's certainly worth the price. Despite some niggling flaws I'd give this game a well deserved four out of five, which I admit is rose-tinted by my nostalgia, but if I gave it any less I'd be doing my entire childhood a disservice.

Yes, that's Darth Vader and Yoda over there. Copyright infringement much? 

Lords of the Realm 2

The Short


Pros
- Hybrid turn based / real time strategy
- Part country sim, part resource management sim, part siege sim, and more
- Music is fantastic
- Battle against AI or over "Modem Network" (works on modern networks, too)
- Tons of scenarios, adding the "Siege Pack" throws even more into the mix
- Lots of unit types, each with their own strengths and weaknesses
- AI opponents are fully voiced and say some pretty great stuff

Cons
- After a few games you can figure out exactly how the AI works
- "Autocalculating" battles can be influenced if you know what units count for "more"
- Knights and macemen are stupidly overpowered. Crossbows during sieges are as well
- Sieges against AI opponents are too easy; capturing the flag to win instantly breaks it (the AI never guards their flag)
- Alliances are totally useless with AI opponents
- While financially ruining somebody is a viable strategy against other humans, you can never out an AI opponent by burning all his fields and starving him out. It just doesn't work.
- The sequel, Lords of the Realm III, was so awful it killed the franchise. Thanks a lot, Sierra.

Your county, my lord. Don't screw it up. 

The Long

The king is dead, and he has left no heir. You are one of a handful of lords vying for the throne, and stuff is about to get bloody. You all start with the one county you ruled over while the king still lived - the rest of the counties claiming neutrality - and now is the time to raise an army, build a castle, and conquer the land. Oh, and make sure your people are getting fed, staying happy, paying taxes, and gathering resources to make more weapons for the ongoing war effort. That's important, too!

Lords of the Realm 2 is an interesting hybrid of county management and real-time battles and sieges. The general gist of the game is simple: build up a powerful county, form an army, and crush all opposition. The difficult part comes in managing all the resources required to pull this off, and that is where Lords of the Realm 2 really shines. It's neither too hard (Civilization) or too easy (Command and Conquer) to figure out, and it fits its unique groove very well.

Sieges can be bloody affairs. Sorry for the blurry screenshot. 

Lords of the Realm 2's county simulation can be either as complex or simple as you want it. You basically are given a group of peasants (the number you have is based on population), and you can designate where exactly you want them to focus on. Some can work the fields. Others can tend the cows (boo cows! Go straight grain from the first season!). Some might work on reclaiming fields your enemies have burned, or work on the castle. Others can cut wood or mine metal or stone. They could forge weapons from your resources, and then you can enlist them into your army. The game gives you the ability to pick and choose exactly how many go in which spot.

Or, if this is too complex for you, you can use a slider to auto-assign. Again, only as hard as you need it to be (and when it's endgame and you have 20-odd counties, the slider comes in real handy to prevent hour-long turns). 

Every turn is a season, meaning you plant in winter (or spring, but your harvest will suffer for it) and harvest the following fall. You'll have to make sure you have enough food to feed your people between those two points, or else they'll lose faith in you and drop in happiness (taxes also make them pissed off). Drop happiness too low and they'll kick you out and start marauding other counties for food in a bloody, violent swath. Crazy stuff.

This game looked pretty good back in the day, and still holds up

Once you think you have all that stuff under control, you have to build an army and go kick the other nobles right back to where they came from. Army building hurts your county's happiness, but you can recruit from any county you own, making each a sort of self-sustaining city-state (though you can send supplies to and from your counties, but they have to make the trip there safely and over several seasons). You can pick from a lot of unit types: swordsmen with armor, macemen with IMBA attack power, archers, high-defense pikemen, crossbowmen, or the super-elite knights. You can also just enlist peasants to fight if you don't have the weapons, though they'll suck worse than archers in melee.

The game is a weird mix of turn-based and real time. Once you enter a season, the game proceeds in real time until everyone is finished. Armies move, changes to counties are made, etc. The battles are also in real time. However, once everyone is finished the game waits until everyone is done with the turn, and then it proceeds to the next season and the cycle repeats. It's an interesting mix, and I think it works well.

You have to have the resources to make different weapons, or you can just buy them from a merchant

Essentially, that's the game. As your empire expands it gets harder and harder to keep everything well defended, so castles are required to give you an edge. AI opponents can be bribed, complimented, or insulted, and often times they'll ally with you if they like you enough. Don't expect them to help you out ever, though, since form alliances basically means they just won't attack you (and some of the more devious opponents, like the Countess, will stab you in the back when she thinks it benefits her). The AI have four different personas: The Knight (who is aggressive and abandons county building), The Bishop (who focuses on building castles and obtaining wealth), The Baron (who is probably the smartest opponent in terms of military might and county stability), and The Countess (who is sort of a mix between the other three, and the most annoying ally of all). You unfortunately can't determine exactly who is in your scenario with you (it is all pre-determined based on the map), but the variety is enough to keep things somewhat fresh.

The game has lots of maps. The only way to get this game currently is through Good Old Games, which includes Lords of the Realm 1 (which isn't that great) and the Siege Pack expansion for Lords of the Realm 2 (which is awesome). The expansion adds scenarios that are basically just battles for you to attempt with pre-set rules, as well as a bunch of new maps including some silly ones. Ever want to battle across the United States in a medieval setting? No? Well, too bad, because it's in the game, and it's hilarious.

The multiplayer has a plethora of options available

If you think the game is too easy, you can change it up with a bunch of options. Want it so armies have to forage in the counties they are currently occupying? You can do that (and starve your enemies out by camping out on their lands). Want everybody to start with destroyed fields and no money? You can do that. Want to be forced to employ crop rotation, least your fields fall barron? Yep, that's an option too. There's a lot of cool bonuses that ramp up the complexity of the game, and doing an Impossible run (where all fields are barron and your counties start off starving to death) with everybody starting with Royal Castles (basically the biggest, most impenetrable castle in the game) is a fantastic challenge. 

There are a few issues, though. While the AI opponents are unique, they tend to employ similar strategies. Once they start losing they'll make 10 man peasant armies and just run around burning your crops out of spite, which is especially annoying since you can do that to them but they never seem to suffer any consequences. While the army mix is useful, you can also just go "all knights" if you are good at resource management and basically sweep through most battles. The "autocalculator" for battles (which you can employ if you don't want to fight them) can also be broken: it counts crossbowmen, swordsman, and knights way higher than other units, so if you stuff those in a castle you'll basically win any auto-calculated siege. When you are besieging, you can win the battle instantly by capturing an enemy's "flag" (usually in the middle of a base), but they don't do a very good job of defending it; bash down the gate, send a speedy knight, and end the battle with minimal casualties. 

Maceman are also super-powerful if you choose to fight out a battle. Their low armor is easily compensated by their insane attack power. 

The music is also a standout. Harkening back to the day when RTS games actually cared about their soundtracks, every song in the game is moody and memorable. I used to extract the .wav files from the CD, convert them to mp3s, and burn them onto CDs for my Discman (back when a CD burner was 2x and cost like $400). The battle and siege music is particularly memorable, but what was neat was the overworld songs: they changed as the situations got more and more dire, the songs getting darker and more foreboding. It was a neat touch, and really helped ramp up the excitement as you knew you were finally going to knock the stupid Baron from the game.

The early music is nice and quiet. It gets crazier later. Also, awesome CG!

I love this game, not going to lie. It was pretty much this and The Incredible Machine 2 that made up the bulk of my childhood. I still remember arguing with my mother that she should let me buy the "T" rated game (it's been re-rated to "E" now) since I was only 10. I won the battle for this game (and lost it for Warcraft 2. I might be singing a different song had that been the case) and am so glad I did. Lords of the Realm 2 is one of my favorite strategy games ever, and I still go back and play it all the time. 

It's available from Good Old Games, right now, with the expansion and the (mediocre) first game for $6.  You should go buy it right now. No, I don't get commissions off of it or anything, but I really freaking love this game and you will too. Look, I'll even provide a link; I never do that in my reviews: Click me!

Five out of five stars. Seriously, did you expect any less? Now to go punch Sierra who got bought by Vivendi who got bought by Activision right in their stupid face for releasing that atrocity that was Lords of the Realm 3 and killing one of my favorite series ever. How could you mess this up?

They won't win any awards for boxart variation, though. Did they seriously just take the original picture and Photoshop the backdrop red? I guess Warcraft II did that too, but come on...lazy!

Roller Coaster Tycoon (Deluxe)

The Short


Pros
- An expansive theme park sim
- Build shops and rides, hire entertainers and handymen, and much more
- Actually build your own coasters in "design" mode
- Dozens of missions (more with expansions)
- Loads of coaster types and rides
- Insanely addicting

Cons
- The formula for building a good coaster can be difficult to figure out
- Easy to "cheat" your way through the game with cheap exploits
- Ride depreciation is a bit unrealistic
- Micromanagement eventually gets to insane levels on the bigger maps
- No true "sandbox" mode (though an expansion has a map with unlimited money)

Just looking at this screen shot makes me want to boot the game up again

The Long

Not going to lie: Roller Coaster Tycoon is one of my favorite old PC games. If you'll allow a moment of personal indulgence: Roller Coaster Tycoon was the game that headed off my "second wave" of PC gaming love (the first starting with The Incredible Machine 2, and the third with Warcraft III). I spent hours playing this game with my brothers, trying to design the perfect park, and salivating as we awaited for the next expansion pack to come out. Now, thanks to Good Old Games, you can pick up this game on the cheap (as well as it's ok-but-not-vastly-improved sequel), and so last Christmas I jumped on it. I was curious to see if it had held up after all these years.

Guess what? It totally did. This game is awesome.

Things are gettin' crazy

The game is basically like that really old game Theme Park, but improved in nearly every way. Essentially the game has a plethora of missions for you, staring with simple ones (here's a blank park and some money: have fun!) and getting to harder ones (get a certain park rating and guest # in this extremely limited space, etc.). Each park layout is unique and since you can't change where your park entrance is (which is too bad), you have to work around the landscape. You can always use your shovel to raise and lower land, add water, and do all sorts of crazy stuff, but since everything in this game costs a bit of money you'll nickle and dime yourself to death if you are a perfectionist.

It's a pretty simple set up at first: keep your guests happy. You start with the basics: food, drinks, and bathrooms. You can then build simple rides: bumper cars, a ferris wheel, some go-karts (those go-karts are money makers) . Once you've earned enough you can then start constructing roller coasters (beginning with basic steel ones with no loops, and eventually getting to crazy, twisting monstrosities) and that is when the game gets crazy. 

Even the main menu screen is exciting

The game comes with a handful of pre-build tracks (not enough, honestly, but if you have the expansions it adds a lot), but the real joy comes in making your own coasters. The sky is essentially the limit as you can build banks, curves, loops, corkscrews, and anything else. You can even add in-ride photos (and the price gouge the heck out of them) in an attempt to generate more revenue. If you make a mistake on coaster construction, the game refunds you completely (unlike paths, where if you mess up you are out the $2 difference), and you can make coasters that go really high, twist around other rides, go underground; seriously, you can do anything if you can afford it. Creating some wacky (and stupid) roller coasters is a blast. They don't even have to be complete; you can have those ones that just sort of shoot you forward and then let you fall back.

And you aren't just limited to coasters. Want a steam train that encircles you park like in Disneyland? That's there. How about a monorail? Got that. What about some simpler, smaller rides that just fill up the extra space? Can do that too (even if it's a cheap way to earn money). The number of coasters, concessions, rides, and options is staggering, especially with the expansions installed. It's never overwhelming, because the game unlocks things in increments (you have to "research" new ride types in each scenario, and the rate you get new stuff is equal to how much you fund research), giving you time to figure out what you want. You can even focus your research on different things, so if your park is too full of coasters you can instead research food or smaller rides (like slides or hedge mazes) instead. 

"The Purple Puker"

There are some issues with designing your own coasters, though. While the pregenerated rides are somehow immaculate with their ratings (each is given an excitement, intensity, and nausea rating. You want to raise the first one without raising the other two), whenever you build your own you seem to fall flat. Mine always are too intense, even if they seem tamer than the prebuilt ones. This can be frustrating, but it also can be very satisfying when you finally make the perfect steel coaster. You can also save the rides you make so you can build them again in later scenarios, which means your "Rat Race Armageddon" ride can grace every single park you build.

The goal of the game is to get rich and keep your guests happy, which (as stated above) starts simple and gets hard. You have to provide them with benches and trash cans, or else they'll just throw their garbage on the ground and puke everywhere. You have to hire handymen to take out the trash, clean up the puke, and generally keep things looking good. You need mechanics to make sure your rides don't break down or randomly blow up. You need security guards to prevent your stuff from getting vandalized. And you need entertainers to keep people happy while they wait for hours in line for your latest coaster abomination. 

Despite your best efforts, stuff can quickly get overwhelming.

And that is where the game gets tricky. After a while your park gets so big that micromanaging everything becomes a near impossible task. Guests tire of rides after a while, meaning you'll need to drop the prices in order to keep them coming. It's easy to box yourself in if you aren't careful, as you need pathways in order to get to other rides (and you have to keep it somewhat organized or your guests will get lost). You have to keep on hiring people proportional to how much you are expanding, and make certain you have enough freaking bathrooms and food. It gets crazy, and when all you really want to do is design wacky coasters, sometimes the financial micromanaging (especially when advertising gets into the mix) can get in the way of just enjoying the game.

Luckily there are ways to "break" the game. Since you can sell stuff back for almost as much as you paid for it, if guests are starting to get super cheap (like thinking ten cents is still too much to pay for freaking bumper cars!) then you can simply bulldoze a pre-made attraction and put the exact same one in its place. They'll all think it's a new ride, and you'll profit. This kind of feels like cheating, but the fact that rides depreciate in value so quickly (though the coasters tend to work better) makes it seem like that's what the game wants you to do. 

Once you figure out the specifics of the mechanics, you can essentially "break" the game in terms of earning money. Aside from bulldozing rides and replacing them with the same ones to regain interest, you can also make short, crappy, custom coasters (that only last 10 seconds) with reasonably low stats and still make mad bank off of them (when your down payment was substantially lower than the amount people value the ride at). It's unrealistic - who would want to ride a coaster that just goes around in a circle and stops - but it is totally feasible. You can also make pretty much any go-kart coarse and people will line up for miles to ride it, even if it is total crap.  

The game also lacks a "sandbox" mode, where it would basically just give you a huge lot of your choosing, unlimited money, and all the rides upfront. It does have "Arid Heights" in one of the expansions, which gives you a big desert and tons of money (and the charge to never let your park rating drop below 650), but that's just one scenario. It would have been great to have had a "custom map" option with your own rules and details, but it isn't that big of a loss.

You can even color each coaster segment different parts...if you are a total lunatic

I've played every Roller Coaster Tycoon game, and despite the later ones having better graphics (and the ability to "ride" your own creations), I still think the original is the best. With the expansions installed it has way more than enough options for even the craziest park manager, and the massive number of scenarios ensures dozens of hours of gameplay. If you have any interest in simulation games, you should really check this game out. It's one of the best. 

You can buy this game right now on Good Old Games for $5. I picked it up during the Christmas sale for $2.50, and they have the second game (which is essentially the same game but with slightly better UI and a few more rides) on there for $10. Good Old Games makes it so even these ancient games will run smoothly on modern machines (runs great on my Windows 7 64 bit), so you don't have anything to worry about if you get it from them. It also comes with all the expansions, which is the way the game should be played. 

If I were to give it a star rating, it would certainly be five out of five. Now would somebody please turn the sound off on the ferris wheels? I hate that music. 

And as a bonus, you can make deathtraps! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!

Earthworm Jim

The Short


Pros
- Goofy, zany platformer
- Excellent animations and art design
- Lots of crazy levels with tons of variety
- Launch cows

Cons
- Some spotty and floaty controls
- Water level is stupid difficult
- SNES version is missing a level that was in the Genesis version

COW LAUNCHED

The Long

Earthworm Jim is the 90s. Spawned from a generation infatuated with Animaniacs and The Tick, Earthworm Jim is a goofy, weird take on the platforming genre that sports excellent animations, a bizarre sense of humor, and a boss that burps fish at you. Yep, burping fish. This is that kind of a game. 

On its most basic level, Earthworm Jim is a platformer that quickly goes from "cakewalk" to "tough as nails" in just a few levels. You are given two attacks: a gun dependent on ammo and a whip (which is actually your suit whipping your earthworm body). The whip can be used to latch on to various hooks to reach secret areas (or just progress the game) or to kill enemies. Simple stuff.

Groovy!

This game got a lot of praise when it was released, if only for its great art design and animations. Made by professional animators, all the characters and enemies look really good for an SNES game. It's colorful and would fit right in with the Saturday morning cartoons of the 90s. In fact, it did, because they made an animated series based off it (with Jim being voiced by the same guy who does Homer Simpson. Who would have thought). 

Coming soon to a TV near you. In the 90s. 

The weirdness of this game is just...way out there. The first level is a junkyard full of crows, mutant dogs, and you jumping on tires and climbing on conveyor belts to avoid fishtanks and...more tires? It is then followed by the boss that burps fish while dropping tubas on you. Yeah.

You then race a crow through space, dodging asteroids in some attempt to not have to fight him. After that, you go to hell.

Yep

Or "Heck," rather. Fight demons, lawyers, snowmen, and some totally loony cat. And then you go underwater, where you ride a giant hamster to eat cats. And the boss is a fish in a bowl. And then you have a bungee-jumping competition against a sentient ball of snot. And you have to save a little dog who walks forward from ramming into anything for a whole level, or he turns into a massive dog and eats you.

Yep. Bungee jumping snot. Quality. 

 The game keeps mixing stuff up so often you'll probably not notice the fact the game is actually pretty short. The Genesis version had an entire extra level (which was super difficult) that the SNES version didn't have, which is too bad for us Nintendo enthusiasts. We did however, keep the horrible water level, where you have to drive a poorly-controlled pod through hairpin turns, where you only get something like five hits and are on a timer. And then it makes you do it again. And again. And again. 

This is seriously not fun anymore

Eventually, the humor can't stave off the frustration. The bungee-jumping snot is funny, but it just throws you into it with no instruction and you hope for the best. The "save the dog" level is cool in concept but awful in execution: it pretty much requires you to completely memorize the dog's path and when to force it to jump, etc. The fact the regular controls, while serviceable, are not as precise as they should be adds another layer of difficulty and frustration.

You'd better duck, dog, because I am not doing this level again

This game has also been re-released in HD on the Xbox Live marketplace for $10, which is a good deal if you have memories for it, but its difficulty and controls mean it hasn't aged well. While I still think this game is a really fun, unique experience, there is only so much the weirdness can account for. I'd suggest picking it up for your SNES or Genesis for your collection, but not for more than the $10 also asked for on XBLA (get the demo).

If I were to give it a score rating, it would be a close four out of five. Despite it's flaws, I personally think this game is great (and years of playing it have put most of the difficult segments into the "muscle memory" area of my brain), but if you don't have any history with it feel free to knock a point off the final score. 

A face only a mother could love