Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

The Short

Pros
- Hilarious, cheesy, well-written story
- Absolutely outrageous and over the top characters
- Playing both detective and attorney can be a blast
- Great music and art
- Sticks with you long after you beat the game
- Cases are fun and have some great twists (despite the last one being weak)
- Being able to yell "HOLD IT!" or "OBJECTION!" into the DS mic is freaking hilarious
- iOS and Wii ports are both solid

Cons
- Short, with only five cases
- Relies a heavy amont on its own designed "logic," which can lead to issues
- Detective portions can be guesswork to find a certain object before the game lets you progress
- Graphically looks like the GBA port it is, with the touchscreen relatively useless
- Final fifth case feels tacked on (because it was)

The start of a thousand memes. 

The Long

I love the fact that Phoenix Wright exists, because it means that somewhere over in Japan somebody came into work at Capcom HQ and was like, "You know what the industry is missing? LAWYER GAMES."

And from that absolutely brilliant idea was birthed the Phoenix Wright franchise. First released in Japan on the GBA, it was ported (someone lazily) over to the new Nintendo DS for American audiences. And, yes, I was being serious before: this is a game where you play a lawyer. A defense attorney, to be completely accurate. And you do exactly what you think: defend people in court. Yep.

Which makes it all the more amazing at how incredible Phoenix Wright is. 

Brilliant burn there, Mr. Wright.

I won't lie: the majority of your enjoyment from Phoenix Wright is going to be from its absurd story (or stories might be more accurate). You play as Phoenix Wright, rookie defense attorney who is just starting off his career. As such he's insecure, makes awful jokes, and gets a bit overconfident at times. Luckily he has helpful tutors to guide him, but quickly the training wheels are taken off and he's thrown into the big world of defensive lawyering all by himself. 

That's where you come in. 

As the player, you will be participating in one of two activities: either going around collecting evidence (visiting witnesses, searching for clues, etc.) or getting into court to present those clues. The game is structured such that you cannot miss anything necessary during detectiving: it's pretty much a straight shot as you tick off check boxes to get to the end. Pretty basic. 

This game makes being a lawyer look more intense than doing back flips on a BMX bike off the side of the Grand Canyon while drinking Monster Energy. 

Back to the story: you have five cases to deal with (though four were the only ones included on the GBA games, and thus they flow together well while the fifth is a bit tacked on) and you have to prove your person innocent or die trying! Luckily Phoenix only gets people who actually are innocent, so there's no moral conundrum here. Where the game really shines, however, is its absurd characters. 

From crazy afro-lady photographers to blue-haired rich scumbags, sleeping crazy hermits or insane old ladies, Phoenix Wright has it all. It even has an evil attorney named Manfred Von Karma. Seriously, they couldn't ham this up any more if they tried. 

The silliness really shines, however, because of the balance. Many of these cases are serious (murders, digging up into the main character's pasts to reveal some genuinely dark secrets, and more) but the game keeps everything so over the top that the melodrama plays nicely with the exaggerated absurdity. To not mince any more words: the game is downright charming, well written, and knows exactly how serious to take itself (read: not at all). The jokes are spot on and the cases are genuinely interesting, which is all you really need.

Suck it, Edgeworth. 

The gameplay, unfortunately, doesn't really deliver as much as one might hope. As stated before you have two main things to do in Ace Attorney: search for evidence, then use the evidence in a court scene. Of these two, the former is by far the most aggravating. Searching a static image for small object is about as fun as looking for a needle in a haystack, especially since often you aren't even sure if you are looking in the right location. The game gates you from continuing until you fulfill certain (unknown) objectives, meaning it is very easy to get stuck and frustrated. When you do find clues it's usually really rewarding, as it's often accompanied by a silly bit of dialogue. But playing Sherlock is very slow, frustrating, and you rarely feel like you actually accomplished a goal. It's more like you luckily stumbled on the right place to tell the game that you are allowed to continue now.

Courtroom drama plays much better. You are charged with listening to both the information given as well as witness testimony. I dunno if they made these people swear on a Bible or whatever, but they lie constantly, and its your job to unravel it all and force them to spill the beans. You do this by tearing apart their statements chunk by chunk, pushing when necessary and using evidence to expose the lies. It works about 80% of the time, with the other 20% where the game falls to "adventure game logic," meaning next to no logic at all. It's the whole "throw the pie at the yeti" trap from King's Quest V: some leaps of logic simply don't make sense. After a while you can start to think the way the game wants you, but even then I would get stuck on some stupid cross examinations later in the game. 

But I will say: when you totally destroy a known liar's testimony using your wits and evidence (usually resulting in the person actually breaking down in defeat), that soul-crush is delicious.

You get five mistakes a trial, then you have to start all over. 

Graphically, Ace Attorney looks like a GBA game. The top screen does pretty much everything, with the bottom being reserved for menu choices or...tap to advance text. The game also looks a bit low-res (especially on high-res iPhone, which this game has been ported to) even on the DS screen. However, the bright colors and absurd art stylings do more than make up for the technical shortcomings. 

The music is also excellent. Even though there's only a handful of tracks, they are just as suspenseful and over-the-top as one would expect from a game about super-lawyers. You'll find yourself humming these tunes long after the game is over.

Ya screwed up. 

Despite having some rather glaring gameplay issues, I absolutely love Phoenix Wright. If you treat it more like an interactive visual novel instead of a game (and use a guide for the dull "play detective" parts), the story here is an absolute riot and absolutely worth diving in for. While Phoenix Wright might not be the most inspired game in terms of mechanics, the idea of making a lawyer game is undoubtably inspired. It's a hoot, genuinely emotional, and necessary playing if you own a DS or an iOS device (or a Wii, since I guess its out on that too). 

While the sequels do tend to fare a little better, this first game is still my favorite. Four out of five stars. 

Nice hair.

Elite Beat Agents

The Short

Pros
- Excellent Western interpretation of Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan.
- Keeps the same addicting gameplay of the original with a ton of Western songs
- Genres range from rock to pop to punk to...Jackson 5.
- Sixteen missions with three secret missions add up to a lot of content
- Keeps the same goofy premise, hilarious cutscenes, and absolute weirdness of the original

Cons
- Songs are all covers, and some sound pretty bad
- Sound quality over the DS speakers is a bit lame. Use headphones.
- Once you master it, you are sad because there isn't an Elite Beat Agents 2

MY BODY IS READY. 

The Long

It's no secret that I loved Osu! Tatake! Ouendan. However, I was a bit sad the game never saw a US release. I mean, the game is so addicting, so well crafted, and just so much fun it would make sense to bring it over here, right?

Well, yeah, actually, because they did just that. Elite Beat Agents is Ouendan, but for the West. And guess what? It's fantastic too. 

I love that the director looks like Peter Jackson.

Similar to Ouendan, the plot of Elite Beat Agents revolves around an elite government society that is there to help you get your groove on. Under-motivated? Depressed? Upset? Simply call for help and the Elite Beat Agents will break into your house and start dancin' until you are motivated to get done what needs doin'!

While Ouendan was absurd because these were a bunch of male cheerleaders (which, in my opinion, is funner than a government agency), Elite Beat Agents is not going to be outdone for weirdness. While the scenarios in Ouendan were over the top, EBA takes it to a new level. What, a Pug trying to get home to the tune of Highway Star isn't funny enough for you? What about a baseball player who is washed up, working at an amusement park, when a FIRE BREATHING GOLEM attacks for no reason? What about a zombie outbreak where a trucker equips a gun that shoots bitter peanuts at said zombies, turning them back to normal people? What about aliens invading and banning music so nothing but literally the power of rock can create a giant music rock laser and blast them from the skies? 

Yeah, and that ain't even the half of it. Elite Beat Agents makes Ouendan look downright subtle. 

This game is surprisingly heavy on the cultural jokes. 

The gameplay remains the exact same. You have a bar at the top that is constantly draining, so to keep it from running out and the music from dying forever you gotta dance. And by "dance" I mean "tap or slide or spin the buttons to the beat." As before there are three tiers of scoring, each giving more life (and I guess "miss" and "bad" but getting those just sucks so I never counted them) as well as points. Combos are imperative for high scores, as well as staying alive. It's still extremely addicting, very fast, and really fun.

Also as before we have the same four levels of difficulty, with Insane being Hard with smaller buttons and the stages reversed. It's a downright dexterous challenge, so be sure and take a break or your stylus hand will start cramping up. The final song (Jumping Jack Flash in sort of a weird, rockinger cover) is absolutely absurd in its level of difficulty on Insane, and beating that will make you feel like a downright rock god. 

Peter Jackson's Cat Kong. 

The game looks identical to Ouendan, all the way down to the art style. You have the same 3D models on bottom with animated scenes on top, all over the top and absurd. I'll admit Ouendan is a bit more flamboyant in its overacting, but Elite Beat Agents manages to fill its own unique space with its stupid premises, so the games are distinct but still very similar.

The soundtrack really makes or breaks this game for some, and it's...a mixed bag. As much as I hate Skater Boy, playing You're The Inspiration by Chicago in a game like this is just awesome, as well as Bowie's Just Dance and the Stones' Jumpin' Jack Flash. There's a good deal of modern rock as well, such as Good Charlotte and Hoobastink, weirdly enough. It's worth noting, however, that these are all covers, and not the Guitar Hero 2 kind where they actually tried to pick singers that sound like the originals: these are very obviously covers. It didn't bug me much (though their version of Jumpin' Jack Flash, as I said earlier, is way heavier on the drums and guitar) but some purists might be annoyed. 

The only true defenders. 

Elite Beat Agents is one of my favorite DS games, if not my most favorite (it does have to compete with the Pokemon games). Fast, furious, and with tons of difficulty options and songs, Elite Beat Agents knocks it out of the park. Considering the game can be grabbed for under $10 easily from any used game store, you really should check it out. You will be pleasantly surprised, I assure you.

Tinny music and weird cover choices aside, Elite Beat Agents is a fantastic music game. 

AGENTS ARE...

GO!!!!!

(Five out of five stars)

(also, this.)

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan

The Short

Pros
- Excellent rhythm/music game on the DS
- Soundtrack is a delightful mix from a variety of Japanese song genres
- Premise is silly and stupid, and you'll understand it even if you don't speak Japanese
- Multiple levels of difficulty allow for a long string of progression

Cons
- A bit  heavy on the J-Pop
- One of the slower songs is a good change of pace, but it comes out of nowhere
- Game eventually ends

This game is pretty Japan. 

The Long

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan (translated roughly into: "I have no idea what this is in Japanese") is a Japan-only released rhythm game, and remains to date the only game I have ever imported. It's a well known fact that I'm a massive fan of music games in nearly all their varieties, but Ouendan was the very first music game I ever played and got hopelessly addicted to. This was back before Elite Beat Agents (essentially the US version of this game) existed, and since I'd heard great stuff about this game I found a copy off PlayAsia or eBay or something (I honestly don't remember) and imported the sucker.

I am very glad that I did.

Ouendan is an absolutely fantastic music game, even when I had no idea what any of the songs were or what anybody was saying (either in the lyrics or the on-screen text). A great blend of silly, stupid, and challenge, Ouendan is a must-get for fans of music games...though if you live in the US you should probably get Elite Beat Agents first.

Study, little man!

The "plot" to Ouendan is stupid and over the top and I love it so much. Essentially, whenever people are stressed, tired, or feel stuck, they can just shout "OUENDAN!" Moments later, a group of all-male cheerleaders clad in black trenchcoats will literally break into your house, motivating you to do whatever it is you need to do by the power of dance. I guess "Ouendan" is the name of a real-life Japanese cheerleading squad that is all male and wears black trenchcoats? You can see how much fact-checking I do for these reviews.

Anyway, the situations start simple (do homework, get a boss to notice you and ask you out to a dance) and quickly escalate into the absurd (fight a giant Godzilla monster, save the earth from an incoming asteroid). All of these issues are overcome by the power of dance, with mid-song cutscenes that play out either good or bad depending on how you are doing. They are well-animated, very funny, and fully aware that they are being far too self-serious. It's tongue pressed firmly in cheek, and even with the language barrier I knew enough to get a lot of laughs out of the goofy premises. 

Screw up, and you ruin someone's hopes and dreams. 

But this wouldn't be worth anything if not paired with great gameplay, and Ouendan provides this and in spades. The top screen is essentially just used to tell the story, and honestly you won't have time to look up there because you'll be looking at the bottom screen. Made by the same guy who made Guitaroo Man, Ouendan is surprisingly similar. Essentially, buttons appear (with numbers for the order) and you have to tap them in order of the beat. As songs get harder you'll be sliding your stylus, spinning, and tapping in rapid fury. It sounds simple, but believe me: this game gets challenging very quickly.

Tap to use copier!

At the top of the screen is your life bar which, unlike most games, is constantly draining. Each tap is ranked into three tiers, the closer on beat you are the more life you get. Screw up and you lose a bonus chunk of life, which can mess you up very quickly. This becomes especially bananas on the hardest difficulty (appropriately titled "Insane,") where the health bar drops so fast on the later songs you have to hit every note perfectly; just getting an "Ok 100" for being slightly off won't fill the life fast enough to prevent death. It's a good system that keeps you on your toes, though it might be frustrating for those who don't pick up on it fast.

As stated, this game has four difficulty modes, the top two of which have to be unlocked. Beginner and Normal are pretty standard and teach the basics, but Hard is extremely rough. But things get even crazier on Insane: not only does the life drain faster (as mentioned above), but buttons are half the size and appear later (giving you a shorter window to tap). It's the same stages as Hard (though they might be mirrored; I don't remember, but they are in Elite Beat Agents) but this new level of challenge is only for the hardcore.

The cutscenes on top are hilarious, but you'll never have time to watch them. 

Graphically, Ouendan is fantastic. The dancers are 3D sprites that move with the button presses, while the story is presented in somewhat animated cutscenes on top. The art is charming and fun, and as stated completely over the top. It's a laugh riot, and luckily you don't need to know a lick of Japanese to get the humor.

Of course, a music game lives or dies by its soundtrack, and I'm pleased to say Ouendan picks a great batch of tunes, even for Western importers. I don't know any J-Pop to speak of, but I found myself humming a good number of these songs after the fact, and while they're all covers I...wouldn't know that. Like the Persona series, Ouendan picks some standout Japanese tunes that are fun, funny, and catchy. I admit to looking a few of these up on youtube after the fact. 

The Bossman don't let the Ouendan mess around.

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan was an awesome intro to the music genre of games for me. Peppered with weird and silliness and coupled with an obscenely addicting game (loaded with content, too; those 15 songs go a long way over various difficulty levels), Ouendan is a must-own for fans of the genre. You can import it for relatively cheap, though again: Elite Beat Agents is the western version and is essentially the same game. However, that one just doesn't quite reach the oddness levels of this original, and since you can never have too many songs, I'd still suggest picking it up.

Absolute screen-tapping joy. Five out of five stars.  

Spin, you fool! SPIN!

Peggle

The Short


Pros
- Fun, addicting game that is both like pinball and plinko while being neither
- Has probably the best visual/audio feedback for winning in a game, ever
- Tons of different animals with a variety of powerups
- Large number of bonus stages after beating the main game
- Fantastic for a mobile iOS or Android device

Cons
- Heavily based on randomness
- Some stages can feel unfair due to random powerup layouts, ball behavior, etc.
- So addicting you might forget to do other things. Like eat. Or sleep.

It's time for another game about balls!

The Long

There's something about PopCap games that make you forget to do important things, some of which are necessary for daily survival. What, make dinner? I can just eat chips and dip; I'm sure I'll get hungry later. What, sleep? Eh, I wasn't going to fall asleep before 2:00 am anyway. What, breathe? Well, your skin absorbs some oxygen, I'm sure my lungs will figure something out if it's really necessary. And so on.

Peggle might be the worst offender at soul-sucking time wasting out of all of PopCap's games. Yes, even worse than Bejeweled. Essentially a simple physics game with hardly any depth to speak of, Peggle still manages to suck you in with its colorful visuals, great sound effects and music, and the "one more try" or "one more level" problem that makes it so gamers forget to bathe. And eat. And breathe.

So...let's take a look at one of the most addicting games of all time. And no, I'm not talking about World of Warcraft.

They actually put Peggle IN World of Warcraft. As if you needed another excuse to never get off your computer. 

Peggle is a very simple game that pretends it has strategy, when really it requires a hefty dose of luck. Essentially, each level you are presented with a game board that has strategically placed pegs and blocks scattered about (usually in some form of artistic pattern matching a theme). Of these, a good chunk will be colored orange. Your mission (and you'll choose to accept it, until 3:00 in the morning) is to knock out all the orange pegs with the balls allotted. You shoot it from the top of the screen, and it goes bouncing around like the Plinko game from The Price is Right.

Drew Carry, your career has really gone downhill. 

It holds a few tricks. On the bottom of the screen is a container that goes back and forth; manage to land the ball in that and you get a free ball. The more orange pegs that are hit or gone increase a combo meter, which subsequently gives you more points and if you earn a set number of points with a single ball you'll earn another extra ball. Lastly, each stage has two green pegs that provide power-ups based on your character of choice. This can include improved targeting, making the container that moves around the bottom bigger, flippers like a pinball machine, etc. But you'll just always use the dragon's "Fireball" powerup, because it is easily the best.

You may have zen, owl, but you lack the dragon's firepower. Literally. Firepower. HA. 

This concept may sound stupidly simple, and that's because it is. Some pegs move about in set patterns, stages get harder quick, but overall the game's simplicity never changes. Orange and green pegs are randomized even on the same stages, meaning no two games are exactly the same. In time you figure out the physics well enough to calculate to the second or maybe third bounce, but after that it's all luck of the draw.

So how on earth does a game with such a random element work? Well...without dissecting it beyond what is necessary (read: at all) it's the mix of an illusion of control and belief that skill will sway the results along with the random results that keeps you playing. Being able to think you are actually improving (and you do...though you hit a ceiling after a very short amount of time) keeps you going, the new power-ups helping with that as well, but the crazy randomness gives you the idea that "next game will go better." If it were pure skill it would be stressful, and if it were pure randomness it wouldn't have a point. The mix here is a slippery slope, but Peggle pulls it off perfectly.

Then this happens. 

What sells the game, however, it its over-the-top, overly rewarding aesthetic. The game gives you bonus points for just about anything, from long shots to trick shots to just generally doing stuff that it thinks is cool. And by "doing stuff" I mean "having stuff happen randomly 90% of the time." The flashy, crazyness reminds me of the allure of well-made pinball machines, but all this pales when compared to what happens when you are down to the last orange peg. Every shot towards it will cause the camera to zoom in for a crazy slo-mo shot, way more intense than should be allowed for a game about shooting balls at pegs. If you miss a crowd goes "awww..." but if you hit the thing it EXPLODES and "EXTREME FEVER" blasts across the screen, on fire, while a wild version of "Ode to Joy" choruses into your ears. It's...totally bananas.

YOU WIN. CAN YOU TELL?

Honestly, even people who don't like Peggle (all four of you) remember this stage finale, that happens every time you win. While it's overexaggurated to the point of parody, there's no denying there's some sort of euphoric elation and sense of accomplishment every time stupid "Ode to Joy" starts swelling from my speakers. Like the massive amounts of positive feedback the game gives you, this game-ending blast of orchestration is so absurd yet rewarding you want to see each stage to an end, just to hear the song and see the rainbows and explosions again.

You got a lot of characters, but Cinderbottom is the only one you need. 

Seeing as this is a PopCap puzzle game, it is also loaded to the brim with bonus content. The single-player is reasonably long as you go through a variety of stages with all ten characters, each level tailored to their unique skills. After that you can replay any stage with a character of your choosing, making some much easier and others harder. You have challenges where they put more orange pegs on the same maps, as well as a handful of other levels that also include challenges. Duel mode allows you to play back and forth with a friend or bot to compete for score, though the addition of the massive bonus pool if you get Extreme Fever by hitting the last peg makes it kind of really unbalanced. 

As stated, the graphics and sound are cartoony and simple, but work because they are so visually appealing. It's hardly a graphical powerhouse, but the absurd levels of particle effects, explosions, and rainbows are enough to make your eyes bleed.

I am the king of Peggle.

Is Peggle worth looking into? Well, that depends on how much you hate having free time. Despite it's simplicity, PopCap continues to pander digital crack in the form of their casual games, and Peggle is no exception. It's out on pretty much everything (game consoles, phones, World of Warcraft, you name it) and due to its simplistic nature runs well on all devices as well. Considering the iOS version is only $2, I'd suggest picking it up on that platform personally, though the Steam version also has a tendency to go on sale.

While it's easy to dismiss Peggle as a stupid game, it is actually quite a bit of fun in an addicting, somewhat shallow way. Regardless, it's the packaging and the experience that totally sells it, so if you are ready to take the plunge hold your breath and dive in.

Just remember to come up for air. Literally.

Four out of five stars. 

Thanks, hippie.

Pokemon Black/White

Pokemon Black/White

The Short

Pros

- All new adventure with 152 new pokemon

- You won't see any pokemon from previous generations during your initial adventure through the game world; all new pokemon

- Battles are presented in pseudo 3D for the first time, with the pokemon being fully animated throughout

- Excellent graphics and music

- Day/Night cycle as well as a monthly seasonal cycle

- TMs can now be used repeatedly

- Story plays a much bigger role, with more characters and variations on the theme than any other Pokemon game

- Excellent music

- Marked as a "new" Pokemon game, it certainly feels much different than its predecessors, mostly for the better

Cons

- Despite having "new" pokemon, they are all still very similar to previous generation's

- Still 2D sprites, which means when they zoom in on the new 3D plane they look kind of...bad

- Bottom screen is replaced by the C-Gear, which uses wireless features that the causal player will probably never use

- No new region to visit after the game, though it does have a lot of post game content

We are coming to the (current) end of our Pokemon journey

The Long

It's been a long time since Pokemon Red/Blue started this whole mad craze. The obsession has died down a little, though the series still pulls both the dedicated fans and newcomers with every release. Game Freak and Nintendo have managed to do well keeping with the same formula, despite calls to change it over the years. After rereleasing HeartGold/SoulSilver, fans had been wanting something new from their Pokemon. Seeing the remake really made people (myself included) see how much has stayed the same, and we were ready for not just another rerelease (like Pokemon Diamond/Pearl)

So here we are, with Pokemon White/Black, the latest in the Pokemon franchise. Nintendo made a big deal saying this was a brand new take on the Pokemon series, with more changes than you can shake a stick at. Does it live up to fan expectations?

Battles look quite good.

Well, there are certainly the laundry list of changes and improvements here. Let's blitz through them, shall we?

Improved Graphics - Probably one of the biggest pushes, the battlefields are now in actual 3D, meaning you can zoom in and out, pan, and do all sorts of other crazy things to keep the action fast. While it looks good, the battles still take place in Gradiantland, and the characters are still pixelated sprites (albeit animated ones). this means when it zooms and pans around them, when you get close they look kind of...bad. High resolution pokemon probably would have helped them look less bad. But I still think it's a good start, and the ability for the game to provide camera control spices up the battles in ways that we haven't seen before. 

Other improved graphics are the overworld, which has again seen an overhaul. There's much more 3D in the world this time (though again: you are still a 2D sprite). Cities can be spun around, and you aren't locked to a simple "overhead" view in every situation. It looks really good, so kudos to them for that. As it stands, this is probably the best looking Pokemon game yet, if you can get over the pixelated battle graphics.

City graphics look loads better, and give a better sense of scope

Day/Night and Seasonal Cycles - The Day/Night thing is back, though it's even better in this one (the cities at night, as you can see above, is really cool), but as an added bonus there are seasons now. They don't follow the actual seasons, but change on a monthly (real time) basis. This is really cool, because it also switches up which pokemon are available when, as well as changing the way the entire game world looks.

Musical Changes - The music in this game is really good, but they've done some tweaks that make it better. In battles, if your pokemon run low on health the battle song will fade into a more intense, stressful song until you put out one with more life. And when battling bosses (Gym leaders), when they are on their final pokemon the song also changes to a more victorious one. It's a little thing, but a good one. 

Team Plasma's song is caaaatchy.

Better Story - The Pokemon games have always been very sparse when it comes to story, and for good reason. It works because you are meant to carve your own path and use your own imagination. Diamond/Pearl tried to do a balance of both telling you a story and making you "choose your own adventure," and it worked ok but not great. Pokemon Black/White, however, actually has a really well crafted story that provides the perfect balance between player investment and the game telling you what is going on. The "Team" (aka the bad guys) this round are Team Plasma, who aren't trying to conquer the world or blow anything up but rather are fighting for pokemon rights. It's a really interesting setup (considering the moral ramification of capturing animals for the sole purpose of making them fight forever for you), but they never get very deep with it, probably because it's still a kid's game. The lack of depth is a little unfortunate, but it is still the strongest and most interesting story in the series. 

You also have two "rivals" in this game, who leave with you and both take very unique paths on both pokemon training and careers. It's neat to see how other people in this world aren't all just wanted to be pokemon battlers. 

This game has a unique story, which is a good step forward for this series

All new pokemon - Unlike the previous games, where it was sort of a mis-mash of every pokemon from every single game, Black/White only has the brand new 152 pokemon until you've beaten the entire game, meaning you won't see any repeats your first run. While this is actually really cool, the "new" pokemon are almost carbon copies of the old ones. Geodudes are replaced with Roggenrollas, which are the exact same type, level at almost the same level, and evolve the same way. So they are new pokemon, I guess, though the promise of the experience being wholly unique isn't entire accurate.

Some battle changes - Now there are triple battles (which are exactly what they sound like), and rotation battles (where you can switch between three to fight one-at-a-time). It's a fairly basic change, but a decent one.

Pokemon Musical - This isn't a pro, though it did replace the awful contests. Now they can be in a musical! That sucks too. Done.

The new pokemon are some of the best

Those are the basic improvements, and they are complimented by an improved UI, a faster-paced battle system, and some of the best looking new pokemon since Gold/Silver's batch. I'm pretty picky and jaded against my pokemon, so seeing new ones that actually look good and have that needed mix of "unique" and "kind of insane" that first the series well.

People complain about Vanillish, but I think it's awesome, in a sort of stupid way

The music in this game is also a return to form, with some of the best songs in the series. The boss/Gym songs are all excellent, the Team Plasma battles (as you can hear above) are great, and it even has a remix version of that kickin Cynthia song from Pearl/Diamond/Platinum that's even faster and more intense. I'm glad that song finally got a good game.

The new final boss song is also excellent.

While I still stand by the fact that Pokemon HeartGold/SoulSilver are my favorite on the DS (and perhaps favorite ever), I will openly admit that Black/White is technically a superior Pokemon game. While it isn't exactly the alleged revolution to the formula that Nintendo claimed, it still makes enough major improvements and refinements to help this game feel more modern than ever before. It's a hard call whether to recommend this game or SoulSilver, so I'll just tell you that you should buy both, and play SoulSilver first. Because for all my nostalgia, it's hard to go back to any other Pokemon game after playing White/Black. It's a large step in a right direction, and here's hoping Black/White Version 2 continues with the improvements. 

So you should go get this game. Right now. Five out of five stars. 

There are a LOT of pokemon now. 

Pokemon Dash

The Short


Pros
- Has 25 tracks, and you can import tracks based off your pokemon from Ruby/Sapphire or FireRed/LeafGreen
- Has a fair number of pokemon in it

Cons
- Is a full price, glorified, branded tech demo for the Nintendo DS
- "Gameplay" is nonexistent, and they didn't even bother to try and mix up their awful formula
- Graphics look awful, even for an early NDS title.
- It also sounds awful. Bonus.
- Why does this game exist? It's nothing but a trick for mothers or little children who want Pokemon, but then they get it for Christmas and after playing it for five minutes realize it's a trick and swear revenge against this world that has so betrayed them, and next thing you know they are committing arson and knocking down mailboxes. So basically this game is the cause of school shootings.

They really are trying to get me to hate Pokemon, aren't they. 

The Long

So listen: I like the DS, and I like Pokemon. I don't mind spin-off games if they are still ok games (even though I bagged on Hey You, Pikachu! it isn't offensive to me, just poor). This game, Pokemon Dash, offends me. It offends me as a Pokemon fan, it offends me as somebody who has to earn his own money to buy games, and most importantly it offends me as a gamer. Pokemon Dash is utter garbage that shouldn't exist, and the fact they pawned it off at full price as an early Nintendo DS game (when the system was in dire need of some games) just makes this whole thing worse.

Now that that is out of the way, here is my completely unbiased, objective review of Pokemon Dash.

Oh my gosh this game is so horrible.  

So the point of this game is to race Pikachu against every other pokemon in existence, and by every other I mean like a few dozen at most. Pikachu runs in a stright line and you have next to no control over him, besides motivating him to go faster. How do you do this? By scratching the bottom of the screen as fast as you can with the DS stylus. Yes. That is literally the entire game. You quickly swipe in a direction, Pikachu goes that way (faster if you swipe Fast) and then you either win or you lose. Most of it is automated. This is the whole game.

The whole top screen is completely useless. There's a "radar" which is useless, a current ranking (which could have been done on the bottom screen) and nothing else. The bottom screen is filled with ugly, awful graphics as you watch Pikachu from your observation chopper, ordering his every move. There are a few mixups, like certain terrain requires you to pick up an item before crossing them or else you'll slow to a crawl, but other than that you just...swipe. That's it. 

This is one ugly-ass game. 

You have 25 courses, and you can import your pokemon from the GBA games and it'll make races out of them, which makes me wonder why they didn't just include them in the game, since there aren't a lot of tracks here anyway. Instead you have to own both games, and if you own a GBA pokemon game and have it in your DS you should probably just be playing it instead of this crap.

The pokemon sounds are all annoying. They aren't as bad in an actual Pokemon game because you don't hear them all that often, but you hear them all the time in this monstrosity. The graphics, as I said before, look completely awful. I'd rather play Hey You, Pikachu! from start to finish than boot this awful thing up again.

Wow, Pikachu, I never realized you were such a Warrior Poet. 

I don't want to talk about this game anymore. There is nothing redeemable about it. It's essentially just a DS tech demo, and they should have given it away for free. Or better yet, just not released it. Instead they put it out with the Pokemon logo, inspiring false hopes that it might actually have something good inside of its plastic box.

It doesn't.

Zero out of five stars. 

"Mewoth, that's right!"

Pokemon HeartGold/SoulSilver

Pokemon SoulSilver/HeartGold Version

Note: I will not be going over the basic mechanics of the Pokemon games in this review, as I have covered these mechanics extensively in my Pokemon Blue/Red review. Instead, all subsequent reviews will instead focus on the changes made to the formula in any particular iteration. 

The Short

Pros

- Remake of the best Pokemon generation

- First pokemon will follow you around like in Pokemon Yellow

- Has all the pokemon from the previous games

- Complete experience is retained, including the whole second region (Kanto) you can return to after beating Johto, as well as more bonus areas.

- Lets you import your GBA pokemon, just like in Pokemon Diamond/Pearl

- "Pokewalker" pedometer included for free, lets you walk your pokemon around and level them

- Modernized with better uses of the touch screen

- Most graphics (menues, effects, walkaround, etc.) have seen a minor upgrade since Diamond/Pearl

- Insane amounts of content, customizability, and with the improvements the game is more accessible and fun than ever

Cons

- Battle graphics still look like something off the GBA

- Doesn't add anything particularly substantial 

- Does add another minigame collection, which thankfully you can completely ignore

- Pokewalker only works with this generation; doesn't work for older ones or Black/White

Time to replay the best Pokemon game

The Long

I'm really trying to not bias this review with my nostalgia goggles. After getting annoyed at Pokemon Diamond/Pearl, when I heard the next DS release would be a remake of Gold/Silver (much like FireRed/LeafGreen on the GBA) I freaked out. They were remaking my favorite Pokemon generation? With better graphics, controls, and updated with all the new pokemon? Sign me up!

So there is obviously a bit of bias here. I make no qualms in saying that Gold/Silver is the best Pokemon generation, in terms of improvement, controls, gameplay, and the pokemon themselves. So I'll try my best to not just gush like crazy over this game, but it'll be hard.

Because this game is really good. 

The return of Totodile!

Ok, let's just get the first bit over with: this is a very faithful remake of Gold/Silver. Like FireRed/LeafGreen, Nintendo has taken great reverence in making sure this version is faithful to the original formula (and considering they haven't changed the Pokemon formula much since then, it isn't that hard). So if you go read my Gold/Silver review, you can get the general gist of why that game is so fantastic.

So what is different, or better? Well, quite a few things, actually.

First off, the touch screen controls are finally excellent. While you still have to hit a button to get to the menu, it's all on the bottom screen now, be it pokemon selection, items, or whatever. It all has touchscreen controls now (finally) which works really well. It streamlines the interface (an opportunity that Diamond/Pearl completely neglected) and makes the often tedious menu-interactions of the Pokemon games a lot better. 

The bottom screen is much more useful. Except when its in Japanese. 

This game also employs the same great art style of Diamond/Pearl with it's overworld map, though I think it's been tweaked a little. Colors are much more vibrant in this version, and new additions to the world (like windmills outside Route 14 and New Bark Town) make it really feel like you are off on a great adventure, seeing new things and having new experiences. Unlike many remakes of games, everything changed in this one aesthetically is for the better, with one small exception.

Battle graphics still look like the GBA

The pokemon animate a bit in battle again (like they did in Crystal and the updated Platinum) which is nice, and the art design seems better this time around than in Pearl/Diamond, but the game still looks dated. I get that it's easier to just make sprites than 3D models, and I actually prefer pixelated sprites over bad 3D (which is why I never got too into the N64). But you could at least make the backdrops interesting! Gradients are all you could use? Really? And you could probably also shrink down the "WHAT WILL MEGANIUM DO" up there and put it on the bottom screen, so that the battle screen doesn't look so freaking cluttered. I mean, all the menu options are on the bottom, why not have the top just be an aesthetic representation of the fight with all the words, hpts, etc. on the bottom? Would be nice.

Making the Pokedex touchscreen was a huge boost. 

Anyway all this is a moot point because not updating the battle graphics is really my only complaint about Pokemon HeartGold/SoulSilver (well, and the fact they didn't remake Crystal). Yeah, all they added (minus all the improvements since Gold/Silver originally came out) was a stupid minigame collection, but I'm actually fine with that. "But Nathan," you'll say, "you dissed Diamond/Pearl because they only added a minigame collection and had GBA sprites, but you clearly are infatuated with this stupid remake! What gives?" To which I say, "Shut up, you silly sod. Yeah, if you looked at HeartGold/SoulSilver with that same critical eye you'd notice similar flaws, but the point is you don't notice the flaws if the game underneath is good enough." That's always been Pokemon's thing: they refine the system a little, but if they can keep the whole "I'm going on an adventure!" aspect and make it work, a player will overlook the GBA graphics and lack of innovation. Gold/Silver is the best adventure the series has to offer, and I don't mean in terms of story, I mean in terms of immersion and just straight up content. These games have tons of stuff to do. You have two entire worlds to burn through (Johto and then Kanto from the first generation) and bonus stuff beyond that. And since this bonus content isn't just minigame garbage (like in Diamond/Pearl) I'm willing to forgive it.

I think I put 140 hours into this game, and I never did a single minigame. I beat the gym leaders of Johto, crushed the Elite Four and the Champion Drake, went to Kanto and smashed everybody there, too (including Blue, Red's original rival from the very first game), went back and fought the improved Elite Four, hunted down legendary dogs, caught the lv. 80 Ho-Oh (you can catch both legendaries in this game, just one is a lot easier than the other), and entered the hardest dungeon in an attempt to beat Red, the baddest mother-effer in the Pokemon universe. Except maybe Cynthia in Black. But we aren't going there yet. 

Oh man, that song is awesome.

This is after hours and hours, all of which I never got bored. I get bored in Pearl/Diamond after like three or four hours. Yeah, maybe it's my rose-tinted goggles, or maybe it's because HeartGold/SoulSilver is really good. 

There are a few other cool additions. One of my favorites, having your pokemon follow you around, has returned. Unlike Yellow, though, you aren't limited to just Pikachu; whomever you have first in your party lineup tags along. And you can talk to them and get some interesting...feedback. It's cool and again does what it did in Yellow: immerses you in the adventure.

Let's go kick some butt!

Another new thing is the Pokewalker, a pedometer with infrared capabilities. On the back of these DS carts (and these carts only; the Pokewalker doesn't work with any other set of games) there's an infrared transmitter, which you can then send any pokemon in the game (and every generation before this one, since all are available) to the walker to...walk around with you, I guess. On the Pokewalker it has some games that you can play in exchange for spending your "steps" you've earned for walking around with it. It sounds dumb, but you can actually get some really rare pokemon really early if you get off your couch (where you are presumably playing Pokemon) and walk around for a bit. 

I wore this thing around college for the month or so I was playing this game, with no shame. Maybe I'm just a lunatic, but I certainly spotted a few other people with them, so I'm not the only one. It has an item finding minigame on it, as well as a pokemon catching game. I just wish it had more of a Tamugachi thing as well; it would make it more interactive and fun. But whatever. 

The fact this actually works is kind of nuts. 

The music (as evidenced by the song above) is all remakes of the original tunes, but unlike FireRed/LeafGreen where I felt the remakes were "just ok," I found these remade songs in HeartGold/SoulSilver to actually be better than the originals. Yeah, I just punched nostalgia in the face and said remade music was better. Mark it down, because this'll probably be the only time I'll ever say that about any game ever. 

And yes, the day/night cycle is back. And the horde of Hoothoots to accompany it. 

As I've stated multiple times throughout this review, you could probably just shrug this off as me remembering Gold/Silver/Crystal fondly and applying it to this game, but it's worth noting that I'm a lot older now. Older and jaded and angry at the world (and JRPGs in general, but that's a whole other can of worms). I'm not going to give a Pokemon game a pass just because it reminds me of one I really liked, especially since it had been almost a decade since I'd last played Crystal, so I had no idea if it was good or just me being a child. 

Pokemon HeartGold/SoulSilver is my favorite DS iteration of Pokemon, and by a very long shot. Yeah, Black/White is great (and expect a review shortly), but something about HeartGold/SoulSilver stuck with me. I've never wanted to replay a Pokemon game shortly after considering it "finished" (I usually just play until I'm so sick of pocket monsters I don't want to even look at another one for a year, which is conveniently when the next game tends to come out), but with HeartGold/SoulSilver I really want to replay it (and can't, because it still only has one save file. Lame!) and have wanted too ever since I beat the upgraded Champion. 

This is Pokemon at its finest: loaded with content, tons of pokemon, a fun story, great graphics, amazing music, and just an overall grand adventure. If you have a DS I really recommend picking this up, even if you aren't a Pokemon fan. It might just make a believer out of you.

Five out of five stars.