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The Vanishing of Ethan Carter is a game that tells the story of a detective who has magical powers such as the paranormal should investigate a son named Ethan Carter.

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Five Nights at Freddy's

The Short

Pros
- This is technically a spiritual successor of Night Trap. Just...think about that for a moment
- Evokes a certain sense of uneasiness throughout, which then becomes genuine stress
- Does well at using it's limited controls to make you feel powerless, increasing the spooks
- Animatronic anything just gives me the jibbilies
- The jump scares are surprisingly decent
- Despite it's simple graphics, the ghetto feel actually works to the game's creepy benefit
- It's short length is a plus; it doesn't wear out it's welcome too badly

Cons
- Game usually ends up relying on jump scares after the first or second night
- Doesn't do as much as one would hope to mix up the formula
- Gameplay mechanics themselves are fairly simplistic
- Why would the guy come back after the first night?
- Seems a little too much "Made for YouTubers"

Nothing seems wrong, everything is fine. 

The Long

What a weird gaming world we live in. With the rise of YouTube Let's Players like PewDiePie, Game Grumps, and others, indie devs now have an outlet to reach millions of people should they be lucky enough to be chosen by one of these crazy game-playing behemoths. Whether you love them, hate them, or find them obnoxious and wonder what the big deal is, it's pretty certain the face of gaming exposure has changed, for better or for worse.

One of the things that made these Let's Players so prominent early on was their reactions to horror games. Played in the dark, eyes wide and headests on, people apparently got a kick out of watching other gamers totally freak out on camera in ways that were absolutely not made up or overexaggurated in any way. Games like Amnesia and Slender went from niche horror titles to cultural megahits, and other games that were easy for these YouTubers to react to (Surgeon Simulator, Happy Wheels, Flappy Bird) began to emerge to embrace this new market.

Now we have the latest in this low-budget, high on jump scares endeavor, Five Nights at Freddy's. While I don't want to say the developer went out of his way to make a game that YouTubers would play and promote (which is exactly what happened with this game), I will say that there wouldn't even be a market for this kind of game if the floodgates hadn't already been opened. Because, you see, this game is basically the Sega CD disasterpiece, Night Trap. Yeah. Really. That alone makes me want to love it.

But is it actually a good game? A bad game? And, more importantly, is it 2spooky4me? Well, fill out your job applications and stay away from Chuckie Cheese, because we're gonna find out.

This seems fine. Everything here is fine. 

The plot of the game is relatively simple. Starved for work, you take a five-day gig at Freddy's, a sort of Chuckie Cheese style pizza place for kids. The job seems simple enough: sit in a room as a night security guard from the hours of ten to six, and at the end of the week collect your $120. It's apparently in like 1987 or something because the cameras are all garbage and everything looks...well, like it's from 1987, which explains the $120 being actually worth it for this job. Only not really.

The first night out you get a phonecall that goes straight to your voicemail from someone who claims to have been the previous person working there. Apparently at night the animatronic creatures (there are four total, one being the titular "Freddy") are allowed to wander around on their own. No biggie, but if they manage to find you their screwed up programming will read you as an exoskeleton missing it's suit, and then stuff you into one of the spares they have lying around. Which wouldn't be a problem except bones and vital organs don't really mesh will with the complex machinery inside these things. So basically they'll kill you. What kind of freaking job is this?

THINGS ARE VERY QUICKLY BECOMING LESS FINE.

The way to prevent yourself from being brutally murdered by these straight up freakin' creepy animatronics is to either keep an eye on them (as they are aware when you are watching them over the cameras) and, in case of an emergency, close one of two doors leading to your office. The big trick is that doing anything (even just sitting with the light on) drains your very limited supply of power. Pulling up the cameras, switching cameras, and even having the light that flickers on and off in the dark hallway outside the open door drains the power just a bit. Closing the doors in particular is a massive power hog, which means you have to keep them open as long as possible unless you want to be out of power at 5 AM and at the mercy of these things.

Like I said, Night Trap. You can't leave the office; the only controls you have are deciding when to look through the cameras (which have pretty crappy, usually black-and-white picture, and one room doesn't even have visual just sound) and when to shut the doors. As part of the trick, there are blind spots between the rooms closest to you and your actual room, which means you'd best be putting the camera interface away (which takes up the full screen) and checking the space just outside your doors (which is just a flickering light in the pitch darkness) unless some freaking robot duck sneaks in when you aren't looking and turns you into a mobile Mickey Mouse.

I REGRET EVERYTHING!

The various characters have a variety of nuances that you have to learn quickly. Most will only move when you aren't looking, but there isn't enough power to keep an eye on them at all times. One just sort of wanders, heading for you then giving up and moving around a bit. The other can teleport (yeah, not fair), though the game gives a faint audio cue when it's about to happen. Freddy...I don't know what he does, just kind of lumbers about and makes me upset. The worst is the creepy wolf guy (see above) who is normally hiding behind a stage curtain. But if you don't look at the curtain (or, inversely, look at it too much) he'll suddenly burst free and make a beeline straight for you (the only character you can see moving on camera). He'll pound on the door for a while (or murder you, again, see above) before retreating and the process cycles again. Having it trigger on both "too much" and "too little" was a clever idea, meaning you are constantly stressed out.

And hoo boy, this game is super stressful. The limited vision, the constant worrying about power, the characters that move erratically and then stand perfectly still when caught on camera (or in your field of vision, standing outside the door before they come in to get you) all compiles to a massive, stressful bundle of fun. With so much stuff to manage and the constant fear of getting jumped or missing someone, the game thrives on making things miserable. The worst is having to, on occasion, switch off the cameras because you know you're draining too much power, meaning you are sitting there for one, two, three painful seconds wondering if they're coming for you. And when you do run out of power? Well, they don't come straight for you, but you bet when you hear that little musical jingle, Freddy is coming. He's coming to getcha.

You stay there, rabbit. No tricks! Tricks are for kids!

So the big question is this: is this game actually, genuinely scary? I'll preface my answer with the usual that comes with spooky stuff: your mileage may vary. The game doesn't rely on blood or gore to provide it's scares, and I commend it for it. The creepy atmosphere, voicemails, and dead silence save the hum of your fan and the click of switching cameras are more than enough to unsettle. However, after a while (usually around day three), it stopped being scary and was just stressful (but in a good way).

The main reason for this is twofold. The first is the game is extremely reliant on jump scares. Now, it's jump scares are actually pretty dang good, especially when you are playing the game the first time. There's a massive beginner's trap on day two that I won't spoil, but needless to say if you don't listen to the voice mail very intently, you are gonna have a bad time. Nothing is worse than the long pause when the power is out and you see Freddy's eyes glowing, and it's 5 AM which means it just might, might roll over and you'll win. The screen grows dark and...

Well, either a massive scream of horror as Freddy encompasses the screen taking you, or the 6 AM rolls over. Either way, you're gonna jump.

You really are a prima donna, aren't you?

There are other jump scare tricks. The fox, as mentioned, can make it from his stage to you in just a few seconds, often resulting in a frantic button press for the door (or a screaming yell as he bursts in to murder you). Other characters can sneak into the room while you are looking at the cameras, and the game is evil in that they will wait for you to lower the interface at your own discretion before attacking. It's a clever trick that makes you scared to to just about anything.

But at it's core, all these things are just what I said before: jump scares. That's the main crux. They are very obviously jump scares too, because the sounds they make are horrifically loud compared to the rest of the game and sound worse than Nazgul screams. Like the rest of the game, they evoke overwhelming stress, and usually cause a pretty good jump and a cuss word.

The issue is that eventually jump scares get old. After the fifth or sixth time of getting jumped, getting caught off guard is less frightening and more just stressful and annoying. Once you learn the audio cues that they're in the room when your camera is up, you can expect the "scare" before raising the camera. Is it still startling to have a sudden burst of noise pierce the silence? Yeah, but that's startling, not scary.

As a self-proclaimed expert on ducks, I can say with a 98% certainty that they don't have teeth.

The second issue is the lack of variety. The game basically plays all it's cards on the third day: you are introduced to all the characters, and you can start learning their patterns. Beyond that it's just the difficulty ramping up: the AI gets smarter, and...well, that's it actually. There isn't really any dramatic changes to formula. It would have been cool if after a few days they started cutting the wires on certain cameras, or using decoys to distract you. Maybe mix up their movement patterns a bit, or introduce a few more animatronics into the mix (or even put you in a different building). The game's brevity is it's strength in this regard (only five days and a bonus, extra hard sixth day if you hate yourself) seeing as I'd say it still maintains it's spooky atmosphere up until the end of day three, but then it stops being really scary and more of a game you are playing, and in that regard it's about as exciting as playing Night Trap. Which is not very exciting at all.

So, in a way, this game is a perfect fit for this generation of "horror" fans. People who like quick jumps and rapid fire scares, that aren't really satisfied with slow burns unless they quickly result in ramped up jump scares (or gore splatter). It's less "horror" and more "thriller" (or "suspenseful"), as the slow burn followed by the sudden, rapid release, then followed by the slow burn again is pretty much a staple of how to create smart tension within horror games (see P.T. or Silent Hill 2 for good examples of this). But I will commend it in that it starts as a spooky slow burn: the first two days are genuinely unsettling, even if you do manage to not get jump scared. It's just too bad it couldn't keep that momentum going.

Nothing to see here. That's good, right? Please? I want my mommie...

Graphically the game does wonders with it's obvious low budget. The entire game is pretty much a still shot with a camera fuzzy VHS filter put over it, with random layers of when the beasties are there put on top of it to spook you out. What really works is their details in lighting; they're really good at taking a dark scene (like the one above) and then slyly sneaking a dark shadow that wasn't there before, or some glowing eyes peeking out of a corner. Some are more obvious (as you can see from the screenshots earlier in the review), but considering this isn't even as complex as, say, the FMV filled Night Trap, I have to hand it to them: they did a whole lot with next to nothing.

The only real animations are when you are assaulted and the freaking nightmare-fuel running fox (who runs like Crash Bandacoot, which if you think of that makes him way less scary). Their animations are really janky and the models fairly low-budget up close, but it fits both the theme of the animatronics and the fact that this game looks like a game from the late 90s/early 2000s. It has that "3D is just getting started on PCs so we're gonna pre-render everything" look like from the Fallout games, and I actually kind of love it for it. It's a throwback to a graphical style that nobody ever throws back to (thank goodness they didn't make this game with pixel art), and one I have a lot of nostalgia for. I'd like to see it done more (famous last words here...).

Crash Bandacoot is coming for your babies. 

Not gonna lie: I went into this game fully expecting to be an elitest reviewing jerkbag and give it a low score because I thought it was just pandering YouTube bait. Hey, at least I'm being honest here.

But after playing through it, my opinion changed to one of genuine reverence to this developer. Is this game scary like a Hitchcock movie or other classic horror games? Maybe at the beginning, but not really. The gameplay is intentionally overly difficult (what is this place powered on, double-a's?) as well as extremely simplistic, the graphics are mostly static images, and it's riddled with jump scares. But despite all that, they managed to create a fun, genuinely unsettling horror game, that takes a relatively untapped formula and uses it very effectively to do exactly what it sets out to do. 

It isn't too long, and doesn't really outstay it's welcome (any longer and I'd have griped about how the gameplay gets stressfully tedious). It's scares early on are genuine and downright unnerving, and the style is one I really enjoyed.

But perhaps the biggest catch? It released at only $5. That's insane. Truly, I find it hard to believe. 

Ok, I'm done, that's enough heart attacks for today. 

Will I play this game again? Probably not. Not because it spooked me (which it did, at least at first), but mostly because this game is so damned stressful I can feel myself losing my hair. But will I recommend it to a friend so they'll have a hellish 2-3 hours for the low low price of $5? Abso-freaking-loutly. 

Nice work, Scott Cawthorn. Eat up all that free YouTube marketing. You totally deserve it.

Four out of five nights at Freddy's. 

Now excuse me while I never, ever play this damn game again. 

Unearthed: Trail of Ibn Battuta

The Short

Pros
- For a game made on the Unity engine, it actually looks ok
- For a phone/android game, it also looks ok
- Shooting is somehow more precise than the Uncharted series
- The dialogue is so bad it borders on genius
- Has multiplayer...for some reason
- Only five bucks for "Episode 1"

Cons
- Everything else
- Also, it's only an hour long.

For a phone game, this isn't half bad. 

The Long

Have you heard of Asylum Films? I'm actually a pretty big fan. They basically look at what is popular (like Transformers) and quickly ham out a direct-to-dvd garbagefest that exists solely to confuse grandma when birthdays roll around (Transmorphers). They also made the Sharknado films. Despite their China-level disregard for copyright laws, I kind of find Asylum endearing, as their films have kind of a hilarious badness to them, and when put alongside the original films they're genuinely funny.

This, unfortunately, does not translate into games.

I could say a lot about Unearthed: Trail of Ibn Battuta. I could say how it uses both a Tomb Raider and Uncharted joke in the first cutscene. I could point out that the main character is a direct ripoff of Nathan Drake, down to the facial structure, except his "witty" one-liners are so atrocious they make Nathan look like a linguist. I could point out that the hour-long "episode 1" has more different types of guns then it has enemy types. I could shed a single tear at the 5 minute "walk slowly around town listening to expository dialogue" scene, and the absolutely incredible "drive through a looping cityscape avoiding randomly spawning cop cars for five to ten minutes until the game decides you've done it for long enough."

But I'll just say this: Unearthed is such an incredible, glorious failure, I kind of love it. But not enough to ever, ever play it again.

Nathan Drake, meet Drathan Nrake, your long lost twin. 

When you first boot up Unearthed, you are rewarded with an opening movie that looks like it was made in Apple Movie Maker. Stock photos fly across the screen as text breaks down the backstory, screenshots from the game accompanied by character names zooming by until it cuts to the plageristic looking title screen. It's something you have to see to believe.

You are then introduced to our main character, Faris, and his obnoxious sister Dania. Well, to be fair, they're both obnoxious, but she comes off as particularly grating. Though if I had a brother like Faris, I might feel the same way.

Wait, somehow I forgot the actual opening scene. Which is important, because it constitutes roughly 1/4 of this entire games length.

You start out in some sort of military bunker. The game gives you a brief tutorial on how to shoot (read: it's a third person, cover based shooter) and oddly enough the guns are punchy and enemies aren't bullet sponges. You hear that, Uncharted? People actually go down without having to use two full clips in this game. Unearthed: 1, Uncharted: 0.

It then cuts to a "three weeks ago" flashback, starting the longest panorama alongside the pyramids I've ever seen, and finally resting on our two heroes, giving us a good five minutes of ungodly bad banter. My favorite line was when Faris, who has clearly been travelling for days to reach this location, asks his sister "What is here, exactly?" As if somehow when he was spending all the money, doing all the travel time, and driving up this mountain next to the pyramids, he never bothered to ask why he was doing it. I love expository dialogue without context.

Hope you like this temple, because is the only real place you get to explore in "Episode 1"

Anyway, you get into the temple, solve some puzzles, drive an RC car around, and get some treasure. Then, a rival gang of treasure hunters shows up. Now, I always bashed Uncharted because Nathan Drake was a murdering psychokiller, but Faris makes him look like Ghandi. You'll be gunning down these random guys who just showed up without remorse, until at last you make your way out. After that, Faris and his sister escape on an ATV, gunning down anybody who follows them and even shooting down a helicopter with a machine gun. Badass.

The rest of the game is considerably more boring. Some random guy calls up Faris and invites him to Morocoo. There he tells him of the Trail of Ibn Battuta (roll credits!) and how it's not at all like the Trail of Marco Polo from Uncharted, and how he should go find it. But oh no, the map is stolen from the dude's house! Luckily Faris can leap from roof to roof and grab the thief, but not before a sniper decides to shoot captured thief instead of just shooting Faris. Then it's a thrilling car chase around the city (more on that then) followed by an amazing FMV ending movie (yes, seriously. With Papyrus font explaining everything. I love this) and the game is over. Total playtime? 45 minutes.

Ocean's 11 got nothin on this

Let me say this: for how absolutely atrocious the story is, and how painfully awful the dialogue is (especially when it's trying to have "witty comebacks"), something about this whole thing is oddly charming. The broken English, awful sentence pacing, random pauses, and just straight up stupid things everybody says are cringe worthy but still worth laughing at. If the game had just been that for an hour, maybe I'd have liked it better. Unfortunately, you have to actually play Unearthed.

The game is all over the place in terms of stuff you do, but it's segmented very distinctly so that each section feels like an entirely different game. It starts out with just straight shooting in it's prologue, then moves you to more Uncharted/Tomb Raider style exploration. It's worth pointing out there aren't any actual puzzles; you just find the objects you need in the environment (either by climbing up to them or just...walking over to them) and move on. You do get to drive an RC car (which is pretty funny), but even that I wouldn't call a "puzzle" just like I wouldn't call the Legend of Zelda series "action games."

Following that you have to get out of the temple while gunning down dudes. This is fairly standard cover based third person shooting. I will point out that the shooting feels better than the Uncharted games. Yes, lynch me now, but Uncharted's gunplay is kind of garbage. Unearthed enemies at least go down when you shoot them in the head.

The driving segments are my "favorite" parts. 

Upon exiting the tomb, you're treated to what is essentially a turret scene, with you sitting on the back of an ATV shooting guys that try to chase you down. It's absurdly easy, but ends in you taking down a helicopter with a machine gun, so it ain't all bad.

Then you have my favorite part in the whole game: five minutes of you walking slow, following a guy and your sister, while he spots expository dialogue. The best part is you get to where you are going and hit a cutscene, and you think the game is going to kick up again, and it puts you into another slow walking expository dialogue scene. I love it.

Then you have a "rooftop chase," which is extremely simple and lasts less than a minute. I forgot the mention the game also has a "fistfighting" system, which is completely awful. Blocking is worthless, kicking is worthless, mashing buttons is all you need. After beating up the dude you're supposed to "dodge the cops," but in my playthrough I just accidentally fell off the side of the building and the game triggered that I'd escaped. So good.

Then you have the final scene, the best scene, the scene that will go down in history. You're supposed to dodge the cops in a car. Your sister points out that you have to "avoid them for some time." So what does that mean? It means you drive through a cycling city block over and over again, while police cars randomly spawn in (usually far out of the way so they have no hope of catching you), while you drive through this same area over and over and over until the game decides you've had enough. There's no indicator, no challenge, the car doesn't even go very fast, and even getting tagged by the cops just causes you to lose a tiny amount of life. It's so good.

Such lifelike posture. 

After that, the game is over. You get a final FMV scene and it tells you to wait for Episode 2. Which is not out. And I don't think will ever come out. For this whole freaking game you don't even start on the "Trail of Ibn Battuta." And I keep reading it as the "Trail of IGN Battuta." Maybe they were trying to suck up for a better review score. I have no clue.

What the crap else can I say about this game? It looks ok, at least the environments do. The characters look awful and move really janky, with tons of glitchy animations throughout. Controls are ok for the most part but not really polished (I can't imagine playing this on an touch screen phone) and the sound design ranges from "dull" to "grating." The voice acting is so, so bad that I have to actually rank it up for atrociousness, and paired with the abysmal script just makes things extra hamball.

Oh yeah, there's multiplayer. It's a wave based survival mode. Against zombies. Don't play it.

I see them rollin, I'm hatin...

Ok, let me just be straight with you here: yes, Unearthed is kind of garbage. YouTubers ripped into it fairly viciously, game websites that even bothered to review it shredded it, and the game became kind of a joke because of it. But if I'm being totally honest here...it isn't that bad. I'd more say it's misguided. The exploring portions aren't horrendous, the shooting is ok, and for being made by a small team the game looks good and has good setpieces. The endless driving and slow walking parts are a total miss, I'll give it that, but the awful dialogue is so charming I kind of want to forgive it's shortcomings and recommend it.

But then I remember it's 45 minutes long, which means I could have beaten the entire game in the time it took me to write this review. And they're charging $5. Eeehh...

Maybe if they actually finish the whole series and then sell that for $5, it might be worth a shot just for a laugh. But if I'm being totally honest here, this game is really pretty bad. I started off loving it (for the wrong reasons, but whatever), and then it wore me down until I just couldn't stand it anymore. If anything, the game is at least entertaining to just watch, so you can save yourself $5 and just head on over to YouTube in that case.

The fact this game made it on the PS3 is a laugh riot. Better luck next time, guys. I think you have promise, this just...falls flat.

One out of five stars. 

Or you could, you know, watch me play it. If you want. That could be fun. 

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Dark Shadows Army of Evil
Release: 12th of March, 2014
Platform: PC Game
Publisher: Burian Media Enterprises
Developers: Burian Media Enterprises
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To The Moon

The Short


Pros
- Absolutely beautiful soundtrack
- Charming 16-bit "RPG" style graphics
- Fantastic, emotionally riveting story
- Lots of interesting plot twists

Cons
- Gameplay elements seem unnecessarily tacked on
- Walking from place to place can be boring and uninteresting
- Very short (3-4 hours, no replay value)
- Story is good but seems to back off just short of being magnificent
- I can't decide if the ending is perfect or just mediocre

To The Moon is an extremely story driven experience

The Long


To The Moon is not really a video game, at least not by standard conventions. Yes, it's an interactive piece of computer software designed for pleasure. Yes, it looks very much like an SNES (or PS1) era pixelated JRPG. And yes, it does have some puzzles, adventure game elements, and even a weird duel-joystick shooter-esque part (which is thankfully very short). But in reality, To The Moon is simply "game as story." It's a tale that chooses to use, instead of words on paper or actors on screen, video games as its medium of choice. It's probably the closest thing to an "art game" I've reviewed on this blog, and might actually be the first "art game" I've actually played all the way to completion.

It's a not-so-distant future. Through technology, we are able to grant a person on their deathbed one final wish, by going into their minds and altering their memories to add the thing they want most. You assume the role of two scientists tasked with fulfilling a dying man's final wish: he wants to go to the moon, but he doesn't know why. Thus begins a journey starting at but a few hours before his death, and spanning all the way back through an entire life of love, loss, mysteries and mistakes. All with the hope of finding the reason why he wanted to go to the moon, and making his final dream possible.

If this sounds a bit like the plot of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind meets Inception, you aren't far off. The game is very similar in these regards, almost uncannily so. Luckily it forges its own path relatively quickly, providing a story that is both unique, touching, and very much relevant to everyone.

Even though it has an "RPG Maker" vibe, I can't knock the impressive visuals

In terms of actual gameplay, To the Moon is a hybrid adventure/puzzle game. Without spoiling the story, the general gist is that in each block of memories you experience there are five objects that are especially pertinent to the patient (Johnny's) past. Once you find these five object (usually accompanied by short scenes explaining their importance), you apply them to a final object that will allow you to warp to a different memory. In order to warp you have solve a simple block-turning puzzle, which is usually not easy enough to cakewalk through and not hard enough to actually provide any mental stimulation. You have to do about a dozen or so of these puzzles across the course of the game, and by the end they feel more like unnecessary roadblocks to continuing the adventure rather than actual important parts of the story.

There is another weird moment where the game sort of turns into a duel-stick shooter mixed with...I don't know, dodging stuff? Is that a genre? It feels extremely out of place and while I can understand it was perhaps put there to lighten a particularly dark series of events, it's contrived.

Seriously, this game is very pretty

Speaking of contrived, let's talk about the story. Now don't get me wrong: I really enjoyed the vast majority of the story here. Seeing Johnny's relationship with his wife River play out in total reverse, from her death all the way back to when they first met was absolutely beautiful, and even though I knew (generally) what was going to happen next, it was carried out with such care and craft I didn't mind being proven right.

That being said, the story still has a few hang-ups. The two scientists - who are essentially silent watchers of this man's past - are extremely dry, insensitive, and off-putting. I understand that as a part of their job they'd have to distance themselves from their clients, but some of the remarks they make are downright spiteful, and it really pulled me from the story. The attempts at humor, as well, were low-brow or just simply uninspired, and they were a sharp contrast to the soft drama that was taking place throughout the rest of the game. Again, I can understand the need for humor to help keep things from getting too dark, but I really think their lines could have gone with another edit. 

My other issue was with the ending, which I will not spoil here. Needless to say, I'm glad an issue that I thought wasn't going to be addressed was, and the final scene is absolutely jaw-dropping. However, the events that play up to it don't seem in line with the rest of the story. When you are talking about someone's life, you are talking about an extremely complex and deep event. There are millions of threads, all knit together, and there is no easy way to take it all apart and then put it back together again (which the ending somewhat attempts to do). The ending presented just seemed...shallow. Like we'd had this massive amount of buildup over the previous two and a half acts, and now they chose the easiest way to end it. It wasn't bad, and again the ending scene was beautiful, but it did seem a little too...safe. After such an elaborate, excellent story, I was really hoping for an ending that matched. I didn't feel like I got it. 

The soundtrack is downright beautiful

The music in the game is mellow, slow, and absolutely perfect. It kicks in at just the right time, using only a few unique tunes and then variating on them throughout. It works, and works very well. The graphics also, despite looking like they should be in a JRPG, are well drawn and animated and work well to put this haunting, somber story together. All the pieces fit, making the experience an excellent one.

There are very few games like To The Moon, and again that is mostly because it isn't really a game. As an interactive story it is quite good, though it does falter a bit in spots. As it stands, the game is $12 from Freebird's website, but you can play an hour of the game for free to decide if you like their style of storytelling. The game is only 3-4 hours long at the very most, which makes that asking price seem...a bit high (though $12 really isn't a lot of money, I think dropping $5 from the price would be more reasonable). 

This is also an extremely difficult game to score, as it doesn't follow any other gaming conventions. I'd probably give it two stars as a game, but four stars as an overall experience. Considering the puzzles sort of messed up the flow of pacing and probably should have been kept out, I'm going to go for an overall  three out of five. 

Protect Me Knight (まもって騎士)

The Short
Pros
- Fast, fun four player defense game
- Four unique classes with differing abilities
- 8-Bit throwback style
- Sticks to the retro theme with awful Engrish translations
- Multiple levels of difficulty, including a survival mode
- More goblins than you can shake a stick at
- Only $3 on Xbox Live Indie Games

Cons
- Not a whole lot of depth
- For the best experience you need four players
- Harder difficulties are super tough

The Pig-ship cometh

The Long


Protect Me Knight is a game dedicated to being retro. From the opening screen where you literally press A to "blow on a cartridge" until the game boots up, it just oozes charm. It is clearly billing itself as some "forgotten NES gem," even though I'm pretty sure the NES would crumble under the amount of stuff that happens on screen at the same time in Protect Me Knight.

The premise of the game is simple, like most other "defense" style games: you have a princess in the center of the map you are trying to defend. Waves of monsters keep showing up, getting progressively harder, until you win a level. After you win you can spend your "hearts" (rewarded by the princess for killing stuff) in four trees of upgrades. Next level, rinse and repeat, until you kill the final boss and the game ends.

There are a few other additions that have shown up in more modern defense games that appear here. You can spend your hearts in-battle to build or upgrade barricades, essential in some levels where the monsters will just walk in and start bashing your princess over the head. You can move the princess (slowly) out of danger if necessary (or on accident if you aren't paying attention). You can upgrade your barricades into catapults and launch enemy crushing, friendly-fire causing rocks. And you can spend your extra hearts for a burst of AOE smash damage that murders all enemies around you.

Title screen. I couldn't think of anything witty to say about it.

The idea is simple, but surprisingly fun. You have four classes: a warrior tank, a DPS ninja, a carry Amazon, and a mage....mage. Each of them have four unique areas to dump their points in which, especially in the case of the mage, can completely change how you play the character. They also have a basic attack and a special attack (the mage's being magic) and each has unique combos for both. While playing as a different melee character isn't a completely new experience, playing as a mage is totally different. Trying to beat the game with a party of four fire-spewing mages is a new level of total insanity.

And four players is where the game shines. The difficulty ramps up the more players there are, making some of the later levels literally teeming with hordes of enemies. Death's only punishment is a few seconds of respawn (and a hit to your hearts),when the only real way to lose is if your princess takes too many hits. There are also a few bosses that can insta-kill her, meaning someone has to be on "princess duty" to make sure she doesn't get caught in the line of fire.

The total 8-bit chaos is a complete blast to play, even if the co-op is only local (it's an Xbox indie game; I don't know if those are online compatible aside from leaderboards). The harder difficulties only further force you to work together, the aptly named "Hell" difficulty near-impossible.

They even made a "crappy US version box art" for it. Awesome. 

On normal, you can plow through the game is maybe an hour and a half with four people. On the harder difficulties it'll take longer, and you'll want to replay it to experiment with different character combinations. Four mages? What about four glass-cannon ninjas? Or four tanks (boring!)? Or one of each? What about on hard? Since nothing carries over between sessions you start out fresh every time, meaning you can build your character different based on your preferences.

The game is $3 on the Xbox Indie channel, which is certainly worth it. All Xbox Indie games have six minute demos, so you can grab a friend (or three) and see if it is your cup of tea. For me, this game is a hilarious four-player romp, and well worth the price. As a fan of couch co-op games, it was an easy sell. 

If I were to give it a star rating, it would be five out of five. 

It is also worth noting it might not be under the title "Protect Me Knight." It's on the top rated, though, under "まもって騎士."