Altered Beast

Video Review

Text Review

  The Short

Pros
- Original pack-in game with the Sega Genesis
- Can be played two-player
- Faithful to the original arcade game
- You can turn into a variety of beasts, which is cool I guess

Cons
- Clunky and dull
- Only has five levels
- Stages are short and bosses are dull
- Ugly graphics and music
- No continues
- Ultimately, does not stand the test of time

"Welcome to your doom!"

The Long

Ah, 1989. The new Sega Genesis hit the market, ready to punch the NES in the face with its 16-bit graphics and hip new attitude. It was the spark of the console war most gamers will remember best, the face-off between Nintendo and Sega as they tried to gain control of the rapidly growing video game market. So, when you are releasing a system to compete against the all-powerful, game-packed NES, what game do you promote to show off your system's advanced graphics? Sega originally picked Altered Beast, though luckily they quickly saw the light and switched it to the much superior Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sega loves to pack this game into any compilation collection they release (and boy, do they release a lot), and as a bonus also throw it onto modern download services like XBLA, PSN, and Steam. So...after almost twenty-five years, is Altered Beast still as much a classic as other titles?

No. It isn't. I'll just get that out of the way right now.

Nothing like a dude throwing his face at you over and over. 

Altered Beast is an incredibly simple and slow arcade beat-em-up. Essentially, Zeus has resurrected you to kill Neff, who kidnapped his daughter. For unexplained reasons when you gather glowing orbs (that look more like a sci-fi item than a fantasy ones) your guy gets buffer and buffer, before finally turning into a BEAST. Get it? You are altered into a beast. That's clever title writing, that.

Beasts vary depending on levels, from a wolf that can sprint and punch fireballs to a flying gremlin thingy that has electricity to a bear and tiger and...then a wolf again. Yeah, the game has only five levels, and can be beaten in under ten minutes. So don't get too excited thinking you'll be busting through level after level as a bear; it ain't gonna happen.

You can play two-player, if you want to get bored together.

The main issue with the game is how incredibly slow and clunky it plays. You have essentially two attacks: a high punch and a low kick. High punches for tall enemies, low kicks for the low ones, and a jump/duck attack for...whenever. Your character walks extremely slowly and the screen is constantly panning to the right, meaning you have to keep up. Enemies spawn from both sides for your kicking and punching pleasure, and then you fight a boss after about 20-30 seconds of this slow scrolling.

The first thing you'll notice is the relatively low number of enemies. Considering most go down in one or two hits, there really isn't a whole lot of challenge here. Next, you'll see they are just as slow as you are, taking their dear sweet time jumping or walking across the screen. It's monotonous to just watch.

Two bad dudes. 

The game picks up very slightly after getting three power-ups and turning into a "beast," but that just takes the game and makes it a cakewalk. And since enemy location never changes, anyone who has played this game more than twice probably has all the enemies completely memorized. There's no variation, no increased challenge, and no real sense of progression. It's just five bland levels punching and kicking weak stuff until the end. All while moving like you are fording a quagmire of molasses.

You can play two-player co-op which makes the game a little better (plus enemies drop twice as many power-ups), but let's be honest: who really would want to play this game through with a friend, when there are so many better two-player games out there?

Punch a dragon-rattlesnake.

While this might have looked impressive back in 1989, Altered Beast looks downright dull this day and age. Though, thinking back, I honestly can't say this game looked very good then either. It lacks the multicolored punch future Genesis games like Sonic the Hedgehog would have, and despite having more colors I'd say Altered Beast looks substantiallyworse than an NES game like Castlevania, which was on the "weaker" system. The pixel art is boring to look at and the backdrops, especially, seem to blend together into a horrid mesh of colors. While it isn't the ugliest game I've seen, it certainly isn't pleasing to look at now.

Music is the same: unimpressive. While the tunes certainly hold a slight level of nostalgia for me, they are weak when compared to anything else on the system. Everybody knows the "WISE FWOM YOUR GWAVE" voice clip that starts the game off, which sounds particularly bad (and it's weird, seeing as Bases Loaded on the NES was fully voiced and soundsgreat).

This game has been a beast to review. Get it? "Beast?" I'm a writer. 

While this game might have been impressive back when it released with the Genesis, looking back on it now it's just a relic that should remain forgotten. It baffles me how often this game gets re-released and re-packaged; you'd think Sega would want to just forget this boring sludge even existed. I am not proud that I own an original cartridge of this game on the Genesis (and a second copy on the 6-Pak), as even the collector in me is ashamed. I highly suggest playing just about any other game on the Genesis before booting this one back up. While it isn't broken, it is completely boring, which in this day and age is almost as bad.

One out of five stars. 

Yeah, good luck with that, Sega. 

Top Ten Castlevania Songs

For my (late) halloween episode, I bring you my Top Ten Castlevania songs!

More reviews shortly.

Kirby Gourmet Race Music Video!

My wife and I made a music video! Enjoy!

Adventure Island

Video Review

Written Review

The Short

Pros
- Fun, challenging 2D sidescroller from Hudsonsoft
- "Mister Higgens" is pretty much the best name for a hero ever
- Hefty number of levels, powerups, and enemies
- "Hunger" mechanic is new and nifty
- Graphics are colorful and the music is catchy

Cons
- Three lives, no continues (except through a really obscure method)
- Extremely difficult
- No backtracking at all
- Severely outclassed by its sequels

As long as there's no Gilligan, I'll be fine. 

The Long

Adventure Island is an island brimming with...well...adventure. I guess. Made by Hudsonsoft, who are probably most famous for the Bomberman series of games, Adventure Island is a traditional 2D platformer with an island theme and punishing difficulty. Considering 2D platformers are pretty much dime-a-dozen on the NES, does Adventure Island rise to the top in terms of quality?

Well, it merited two sequels, both of which are vastly superior to the original, but on it's own Adventure Island isn't all that bad. It's just super hard. 

That's not ominous at all. 

Adventure Island follows Master Higgens, who literally has the best name of anybody from a game ever, as he journeys to save his girlfriend, Tina. You don't hear any of this story until after you beat the game, however, so it's pretty much unimportant. What you do need to know is this: Master Higgens is HUNGRY. 

Yeah, that little bar on the top of the screenshots? That isn't health. Higgens dies in one hit to any enemy, so don't let the little blocks fool you. That's his hunger. As you burn through the game (burn as in burning calories!) you'll stumble across all sorts of food that sort of...materialize in thin air. Grabbing them keeps Higgens fat and energized, where if you run out of food, you die. Food only stays on the screen for a second, though, so you've gotta be quick.

That's a lotta bats. 

"Being quick" is actually a key element to this game: running is absolutely necessary. In most games running will increase your horizontal jump distance (as is expected), but Adventure Island mixes it up by also having it increase your vertical jump. Because of this, many jumps (and almost all the bosses) require you to have a running start before leaping or else you won't reach. However, paired with one-hit enemy deaths, you're essentially running a Super Meat Boy style gauntlet: running everywhere is necessary to get food and achieve jumps, but just one tiny screw-up and you are back to the beginning.

Oh yeah, that reminds me: you only have three lives and no continues. Ok, there is a continue system, but it's remarkably obscure. At the end of level one you can find a secret Hudsonsoft Bee in an item. Get that, and when you press a certain button combination upon death you can continue. Didn't get the bee? Well, don't bother holding the weird buttons, as you are permanently banned from continuing. Die just three times (remember, one hit kills!) and you are back to the title screen and the first level of the game. Punishing might be an understatement.

Are you the adventure?

This is where Adventure Island becomes a bit painful to me. I enjoy the controls, the levels, and overall the game itself. But knowing I only have three chances before it's total game over is extremely stressful. Not to mention many of the enemies are placed in a way that require trial and error, but failing is such a massive setback it can make the game more frustrating than fun. 

Still, the game looks pretty good, especially for a sort-of-early NES release. Higgens is a bit flat looking and the game has lots of solid colors rather than actually doing any pixel art, but it all comes together in a decent style that's tropical and bright to look at. It's no Castlevania or anything, but it's charming.

The music is also catchy, if not particularly memorable, though they do re-use tracks quite frequently.

There's only a handful of powersups, but the niftiest one is the skateboard. 

As it stands, Adventure Island is a decent if punishing game that is completely outclassed by its sequels. Adventure Island II and III added animals you can ride on, backtracking through levels, and a less brutal difficulty curve. While Adventure Island is still an enjoyable experience for those who love to bang their heads against walls over and over until finally achieving victory, those turned off by the whole "NES Hard" stigma should probably look elsewhere for their 2D platforming action games.

But hey, no worries, because there's a boatload of them. 

Three out of five stars. 

Master Higgens says: "All the cool kids wear helmets on their adventures!"

Chubby Cherub - Nathan vs Video Games

The first in the awesome (?) new video game movie series on the interwebs: Nathan vs Video Games...the...uh...videos? Ok, so the title needs work.

Star rating? One out of five. 

10-Yard Fight

Video Review

Text Review

The Short

Pros
- The first American football simulator on the NES
- Was...simple? That's a plus, right?
- Dive move when on defense turns your character into Superman
- Can be played two-player, on both offense and defense

Cons
- Incredibly boring
- Only really have two plays
- Characters move excruciatingly slow
- Receiver takes about two years to go across the line before a hike
- Graphics are ugly and there is no music
- Even two players, this game is boring and uninteresting

You'll wish that said "Tecmo Super Bowl" pretty quickly

The Long

Ah, launch NES titles. There's something sort of neat about them, how they helped lay the groundwork for an upcoming generation of games. Among this collection was a rather hefty collection of sports games (Golf, Tennis, Baseball, and 10-Yard Fight). There were also the "Black Box" collection of games, of which a fair number were sports games as well (Volleyball, Pro Wrestling, Soccer). With the NES quickly gaining steam, sports games broke off shortly after into the massive industry it is today. Just try and figure out how many baseball and golf games there are on the NES. I'll give you a hint: a lot.

There were also a lot of football games, though nothing compares to the yearly installments of Maddon and NCAA EA pumps out. Most people probably remember the Tecmo Bowl games when thinking back on them, but before that Nintendo put out this little "gem" in it's launch lineup: 10-Yard Fight.

And this review is going to be short, because this game is like Golf: absolutely dull.

Football. Wee. 

Rather than future games when would be played on a horizontal field, 10-Yard Fight opts for a vertical one. It plays like standard American football: you hike the ball, then try to make progress towards the ten-yard line (hence the game's title) to score a first down. Later, rinse, repeat until you reach the end of the field.

And I can't believe I just explained how football freaking works. I must assume my readers are idiots.

Anyway, one of the best features about nearly every football video game in existence (and the sport itself) are the plays. Complex maneuvers that all the players know and attempt to use to juke out the other team and score more yards. Well, if you like that than too bad: 10-Yard Fight will have nothing of it. In fact, there is very little you actually do control in this game. 

Yes, I'm padding the review by dodging the point. I'll get to it now. 

All you control in 10-Yard Fight is when the ball is hiked, and whether to pass it to your receiver, some other guy, or try to run with it (not a good idea). After that? Just hold up and maybe try to dodge. I guess.

Defense isn't much better. You are given the option before the play to control one of two guys, and you don't get to switch during play (so if you picked the wrong one, you are just boned). You do have an awesome flying dive that covers like six yards every time he does it, but if you miss you'll go flying off into space like a moron.

The controls for both are cumbersome and tedious, and the "feedback" is non-existant. I didn't really feel like I was making progress, and my characters are so small and move so slow it's tedious to watch.

Yawn.

I'd say more but that's pretty much it. The graphics, as you can see, somehow look worse than even Golf, and there is no music whatsoever. Kicking field goals is kind of fun, but since it never cuts to a more cinematic view even that is boring.

The game can also be played two-player, but why would you subject somebody else to this? My wife and I tried playing it and quit after the first touchdown (which, *cough*, she scored. Yeah...)

Regardless of your love or hatred of football games, one can agree: 10-Yard Fight is mediocre at the very best. I have to at least give it credit for following the basic gist of how football works (and offering the ability to play on defense, which the arcade version didn't), but even as a forerunner this game is not very fun. Pick up a superior Tecmo offering instead. 

One out of five stars. At least Golf will have somebody to hang out with, now.

Play this one instead. It's much better. 

1943: The Battle for Midway

Video Review

Text Review

The Short

Pros
- Excellent shmup set in World War II
- Fight both in air and at sea! Bonus!
- Upgrade and energy system provides a unique spin on the usual "one hit, one life" setup of these games
- Controls are fluid and graphics rarely sputter, flicker, or slowdown
- Lots of fun with good music and sound effects
- An absurd twenty-three levels. Holy crap!

Cons
- Only one player
- Background graphics are a bit dull
- Enemy variety is low
- Game is hard, even with a turbo controller
- Takes a bit to grow on you

Pew pew pew!

The Long

I've said it before: I love the shmup genre, but I suck at shmup games. Games like Lifeforce, Gradius, Ikaruga, and others are some of my favorites to play, but I make no claim to being any good at them. 1943 is yet another NES overhead shooter, based on the arcade game of the same name. Considering there are about eighty quad-zillion shooters on the NES, how well does this one hold up?

Incredibly well, actually, and not just for it's unique World War II theme.

Powerups are frequent and always useful

1943 is sort of based on the Battle for Midway, as you probably got from the game's title. You play a single fighter against squadrons of identical green planes, a few red planes, and sometimes some bigger planes of various colors. In truth, picking the setting meant there wasn't much in terms of variety for the enemies, but it's ok. It isn't bananas insane like Lifeforce, but blowing up planes still works so we'll take it.

While enemy repetition is a bit annoying, the game does mix things up a bit at the half-way point in stages. Almost every stage has three portions: an aerial stage, a stage down below where you fight ships and planes, and a boss. Oh, did I mention this game has twenty-three stages? Twenty-three! That's absurd! How did they fit all that on one cart? I have no idea, but it's great. 

The boats can get pretty tricky. 

The gameplay to 1943 is a bit unique. Rather then have life, you actually have an energy meter in the lower right that is constantly draining. Using special attacks or taking hits will cause it to drain faster, and once it reaches zero you die in a single hit. So then you have to make a decision: do I use a screen-clearing bomb at the cost of energy, or save it so that I'll last longer? It provides a good risk/reward balance, though I pretty much just always horded my energy.

Some enemies drop power-ups that'll boost your energy temporarily, but the best idea is to invest points you get by finding secrets into buffing your ship. Yeah, points to buff stats. 1943 is like an RPG...sort of .

Gotta grind a more Smithing so I can make the ultimate cockpit!

Powerups also have a unique system. Shooting them changes what they'll be when you pick them up, letting you pick and choose what new weapon power you get. It's cool and lets you avoid the awful powerups. Lastly, there are tons of secrets to find. Shooting special areas repeatedly will reveal better powerups (usually in the form of more stat points) which can then be collected. It's a cool system of progression you usually don't see in these types of games, and adds to the addicting quality.

There is something worth noting, though: 1943 is hard. Like, NES hard. You have one life (and unlimited continues, thankfully) so when your energy runs out and you get shot, expect to start the whole stage over. The game is considerably easier if you have a turbo button, so bust out the NES Advantage, NES Max, or Nintendo Four-Score because you are gonna need it. Your thumbs will thank me, promise. 

My only real complaint about the gameplay is the total lack of two-player co-op. That's pretty much a staple for the genre! Playing by myself isn't fun, even if it does mean I get to horde all the upgrade points!

I will never see this screen, because I have enough problems trying to beat level 3. 

Graphically, 1943 is a mixed bag. The backgrounds are usually just dull blue, sometimes with clouds. The enemies, as stated before, are repetitive and are mostly just planes and boats. However, 1943 does have an extremely impressive graphical accomplishment: no screen flicker. No matter how many planes, projectiles, or whatever I had on screen, none of their sprites flickered. This was paired with an extremely smooth framerate, that I only saw stutter very slightly on a few bosses. Considering how these types of games on the NES are usually plagued with both sprite flicker and slowdown (Legendary Wings, I'm looking at you), the fact that 1943 managed to overcome this so deftly is pretty astounding. It's probably because the stupid game doesn't have co-op, but I'm digressing.

Music is decent and, thankfully, not as awful as the noise in 1942. Though the "low energy" song is incredibly obnoxious and drowns out any other sounds in the game. Yes, my energy is low, I got it. Thanks. 

Protip: Get the lasers. Always get the lasers. 

So is 1943 worth checking out? If you like the genre (and own a turbo controller...and have a lot of patience), then absolutely. It can be grabbed for around $5, and did I mention it has twenty-three levels?! That's a killer value right there!

Somewhat bland graphics and lack of co-op aside, 1943 is a fantastic shmup that incorporates a lot of new elements fused with solid core gameplay, and everything runs so smoothly it's amazing to watch. Seriously, I couldn't believe my NES was running a shmup without slowdown. It's just...unheard of.

If you can handle the challenge, 1943 is certainly worth your time. Three out of five stars. 

Though it still strikes me as weird when the Japanese make games about Americans shooting down their ancestors. 

3-D World Runner

Video Review/Episode

Text Review

The Short

Pros
- 3D Platformer on the NES
- Created by Square (as in, the Final Fantasy guys)
- Music by Nobuo Uematsu (aka, the Final Fantasy composer)
- Eight worlds, but to quote my friend Davy "Nobody makes it past level 3!"
- Easy to play, extremely difficult to master
- If you press select and have red/green 3D glasses, you can play in REAL 3D!
- Can pick it up for about $2-3

Cons
- Gets really difficult really fast
- Some cheap deaths
- Shooting enemies kind of sucks and takes away from the platforming
- Only has two songs for the whole game
- Is really just a ripoff of Space Harrier with a platforming emphasis

Milking the power of the NES

The Long

3-D World Runner (yes, the dash is part of the title) is one of my favorite NES games. Back in my freshman year of college, my neighbor Davy had an NES hooked up to a really old TV, and a whole suitcase of NES games. After playing through a handful of them I finally got stuck on 3-D World Runner, a simple 3D platformer that was really easy to pick up and play (unlike most NES games). After several months of trial and error (and roommates/hallmates cheering me on) I finally got past the hell that was Level 3, and made it all the way to Level 6 before finally being unable to go any further. It was quite the accomplishment.

3-D World Runner is an extremely simple game that still manages to have the same addicting, "one more go" pull of great platformers like Super Meat Boy. Essentially, you hold forward to run, press A to jump, and the longer you hold A the longer you stay in the air. That's where the trick to 3-D World Runner come in: it gives you massive pits you have to traverse, and you have to figure out the exact timing of your jumps. It has liberal checkpoints (at least in the first couple of levels), lets you do the whole "hold A when pressing Start when you continue to pick up on the world you died on" (ala Super Mario Bros.), and is really just a blast to play.

Play...IN 3D! Roger Ebert, eat your heart out. 

It's lack of direction, however, can screw you up the first couple of plays. You are always going forward (the rate just increases as you hold forward...be prepared to hold forward the entire time you play) and the way to get items is to ram your face into poles and hope a present comes out. It's also worth noting that, unlike Mario, Mushrooms in this game instantly kill you. The crap you want is the rocket (gives you the option to shoot with the B button), the potion (gives you one more hit from enemies), the heart (extra life), and the little atom symbol (gives you the most useless invulnerability in any video game: it only lasts like 5 seconds, not long enough to recover your momentum from ramming the pole).

There is also a trick in World 2 where, if you are patient, you can essentially get unlimited lives. In one area you can pick up two extra lives by going to secret warp zones. Then you just die, start at the checkpoint (one life richer) and repeat. If you really hate yourself, you could do this for hours until you had 99 lives, but I can't recommend it.

The bosses really look like Space Harrier

At the end of the level you fly into the air and have to shoot some big beastie (or multiple big beasties). These fights are quite easy, even when the bosses are "invisible" (you can still figure out where they are because of their shadows), the only problem happens when there are like six of them and you are on a timer.

It would be fair to say I'm biased against this game because I really caught on to it during my freshman year of High School. In all honesty, most people probably won't get past Level 3 (Even though levels 4 and 5 are a lot easier), and the general repetition of the game will probably turn a lot of people off. It does introduce things like springboards that are required to traverse the longer pits (they are the reason Level 3 is rough), and the game was good enough to merit a Japan-only sequel, but considering Square released this the same year as the first Final Fantasy, I think it's safe to say which series took off.

The full title is apparently "The 3-D Battles of World Runner." Even though there aren't many battles. 

So...should you buy it? Well, I found it at my overpriced retro gaming store for $3, and they always seem to have extra copies. It is personally one of my most favorite NES games (and the first one I got when I got the system last year), and while it isn't exactly a well-known classic, it will provide at least a few hours of fun.

Plus...IT'S IN 3D! What more do you want?

If I were to give it a star rating, it would be Four out of Five. 

As a bonus, here is the main song in the game (the only other one plays during bosses...and I guess there is an ending song). I learned how to play it on the piano, and proceeded to bug the crap out of all my roommates for years to come.