Toki: Going Ape Spit

The Short

Pros

- It's got "Going Ape Spit" in the title. Like...wow. 

- Music (in sound test) is great

- The monkeys not only have subs in the underwater stages, but have monkey faces on the subs!

- Your primary attack is to spit things to death. Spit spit spit 

- Tons of difficulty and customization options

- Underwater level (level 3) is probably the best level

Cons

- Toki would lose a race against a snail

- Bad camera means you can't see much above or below you

- Cheap beginner's trap segments throughout

- No checkpoints; a death starts you all the way back at the start of a stage

- One hit deaths

I'm so mad I could spit!

The Long

Ever been so mad you could spit? No? What, are you saying that expression is outdated and probably tied to the old west's culture of chewing tobacco? Why are you saying all this in a video game review?

Let me tell you: spitting is pretty great, in my experience. Spitting is an exciting thing you can do pretty much anywhere, and all it requires is a little bit of saliva. On top of that, you can up your spitting game by spitting off things that are really tall. Trees, the Empire State Building, the International Space Station; these are all things good to spit off of. 

Why do I bring this up? Because Toki: Going Ape Spit is a game about a monkey that spits on everything. Everything. Mostly other monkeys, but, yeah. Some game designer was sitting down one day and thought "We need a new idea for a run-n-gun game. People have already made Gunstar Heroes and Contra, what else can we do? The well has run dry!" and then...

A Spitting Monkey. 

It printed gold. Well, it actually didn't, but The Legend of Toki (as the game is known in Japan) was an arcade game that was ported to both the NES and the Genesis. The Genesis version is the one we're reviewing today, because it's the only version with the awesome subtitle Going Ape Spit. Which makes it earn the award for "Best monkey game ever made that almost has a swear in the title that could double as a pun."

Don't order the hot wings next time. Toki.

The story makes as much sense as most retro games, that is, it makes no sense at all. Toki is a studly, studly muscle man hanging out with his super-hot wife, when an alien city appears out of nowhere and a giant blue hand steals his wife and transforms him into a piece of spit monkey! Holy cow! Actually, now that I think about it, this is like a combination of the openings of Congo's Caper and Adventure Island 3! Nobody will get these references, great review!

Anyway, Toki is going batspit insane without his lady-friend, so he decides to go off on an adventure. And his primary weapon of choice? Saliva. Mucus. Phlegm. Loogies. And sometimes triple, multi, or charged shot variations of those. 

Toki: Going Ape Spit is a "run-n-gun." Well, I use that in the loosest sense of the word: it's more like a walk-n-gun or a trudge-n-gun. Toki moves extremely slow, though he has an impressive vertical jump distance. As you move forward you spit the ever loving spit out of those spithead enemies you come across (usually other jungle critters) with your spit-slinging powers. Toki can fire in all eight directions, and with powerups being plentiful and lasting a long time, you'll be toting some serious spit-power as you attempt to get your lady back.

Assuming you don't touch anything ever. Because this is one of those "one hits kills you" games. 

You'll meet some ugly folks along the way.

It's about halfway through the first level when you realize that you kind of hate Toki: Going Ape Spit. Novel (as in "weird") concept aside, the game revels in it's unfairness. Toki's slow speed means reacting to faster enemies is almost impossible; you'll have better luck dodging traffic trying to cross the California I-5 freeway in a wheelchair. Spitting is (thankfully) fast, and honestly your only saving grace, but it does you no good if you can't see the enemies. And here's where Toki's biggest problem lies: the awful camera.

Because of the large sprite size, the camera doesn't really give you much of a field of view. Which is fine most of the time, unless you want to go up, down, left, or right into the unknown. There is a series of steps on the very first stage where an enemy will fly literally out of nowhere and kill you if you don't know to stop, look up, and see him coming. And don't get me started about stage two, which is vertically oriented. They give you Nikes (shoes that increase your jump height) which might as well have had a "die faster" sign next to them, as leaping higher almost surely puts you off the top of the screen and right into an insta-gib enemy. It's infuriating.

But then something happens. Something really weird. You start to get it. You understand now: every step must be cautious. Taki's slow, deliberate movements. The enemies' obnoxious yet calculated placement. The dangerous heights and unfair deaths. You have to take everything slow, examine every ledge and upward climb, and be fast to react on the trigger. You have to expect to die again and again until you memorize enemy placement and patterns, calculate exactly what weapon to use when in this elaborate dance of death.

You heard it here first folks: Toki: Going Ape Spit is the Dark Souls of Genesis monkey games. 

Plus Toki can now defy the laws of physics.

The game's difficulty curve makes no damn sense whatsoever. Anything on a platform is difficult, with stage two and its vertically-oriented stage being a horrible offender. But then you get to stage three, which is a water stage, and it's so much easier, in fact it's probably the funnest stage in the game. This is probably because you not only have decent movement speed, but also free range movement. The camera also is now forced to follow you (because of that movement change) which means you can actually see enemies as they come. Plus every course in stage three is absurdly short, making the whole area a cake walk. This is, unfortunately, the only water level in the whole game, out of the total of nine stages, each with their own bosses. 

Which reminds me: the majority of the bosses are cake. The first boss requires you to employ the most difficult of strategies: learn how to shoot up. The second boss requires an even more complex strategy: press "spit" a lot. And so on and so forth; not particularly challenging. 

He looks scary, but he's a piece of spit.

Graphically, this game is a mixed bag. It has that "super muddy" Genesis look, like everything is covered in spit. But some of the enemies and bosses have a good amount of detail. The monkey subs with monkey faces on the subs are by far the highlight, and the fact that the boss of the stage is an even bigger monkey sub with an even bigger monkey face only makes it that much better.

Music is good...in sound test. See, going through sound test in the menus, I found a ton of really decent music in there. The problem is that in-game you'll be hearing one or two songs over and over and that's about it. Stages one, two, and four all have the same song. Three (thankfully) being underwater changes it, but that's it. Sound effects are minimal and hardly worth mentioning. 

Pictured: The best enemy in any game since Mega Man 3 PC's jogging fish

Toki: Going Ape Spit is a game that's hard to love, but even harder to hate. It gives an awful first impression, has some super dodgy level design, and altogether feels a bit like a bad arcade port (which is probably is). But on the flip side, once you spend the time to unravel its nuances, it isn't quite so bad. While the one-hit deaths and lack of stage checkpoints is brutal, it compensates by having a ton of options for continues, extra lives, and difficulty settings. Is Toki a spitty game? Well, kind of, but it's also one I actually spent the time mastering in order to eventually beat it. So, in the end, I guess it could be a lot worse. 

But it could be a hell of a lot better, too. Two out of five stars. 

Monkey see, monkey poo. See, I can make puns too, Toki!

Castlevania: Bloodlines

The Short

Pros
- Brings back the regular, forward whipping Castlevania to the Sega Genesis
- But wait! There's a bonus character, who has a multi-hitting spear!
- New abilities like a power-spear vault and the ability to whip onto hooks to swing do a great job combining the old with the new
- Speaking of which, the game is designed around these abilities, meaning you get an equal challenge regardless of which character you pick
- Refines powerups to three key ones, all of which work great
- An excellent mix of difficulty: challenging while still being very much beatable
- Graphics and music are both excellent. Lots of blood and gore for a retro game, which is weird and kind of great.
- Honestly feels like a direct sequel in every regard to the first Castlevania game.

Cons
- While the sprites look great, the backgrounds are severely lacking, especially when compared to Super Castlevania IV
- The music also, while introducing and remixing some iconic tunes, does fall a bit short
- Password system is massive. Seriously. Why is it so big?
- Often overlooked by many fans, which is straight up tragic.
- The last 2D linear Castlevania game ever made that wasn't a remake or a re-release. Think on that for a moment, and cry a little.

It's Castlevania, now with Blast Processing.

The Long

I'm just gonna give it straight: I reviewed the other Castlevania games in order just so I could get to this one. And yes, chronologically Rondo of Blood/Dracula X came out before this one, but hush now, we'll get to that after I finally beat the PSP re-release.

The point is this: Castlevania (1) was a masterpiece. It's the kind of game you know they drew out the levels on grid paper, calculating exact jump and whip distances, judged player reaction and the screen view, and plotted every single corridor down to the utmost detail. It was a level of meticulous game design you just don't get anymore, with infinitely spawning enemies, monster closets, and linear pathways where enemies just pop out to be killed, rather than poise an actual threat.

We got sequels, some good, some bad. Castlevania 3 came close to matching this sort of OCD level design Castlevania presented, but it still felt lacking. Plus the extra characters sort of broke the game because they didn't bother designing the levels around these additions. Super Castlevania IV was a game where enemies just existed to die, your character a powerhouse and the challenge usually platform related rather than a blend of world and enemy. Good, but still not up to par.

Castlevania: Bloodlines is the true sequel to Castlevania on the NES. It is a game that you feel they designed every single stage, every screen, and every enemy with a purpose. The sprites are kept to the same ratios as the original game, with just the right amount of vision and weapon length to make the game intimidating and yet accessible. Jumps and platforming are tricky but not overly frustrating (like many in Super Castlevania or Castlevania 3). And, on top of it, there's a host of new features that fit right into the universe as well as provide necessary improvements to the series.

People say Symphony of the Night was the game that took Castlevania forward, but I honestly think it could have been Bloodlines. The problem is nobody bought this game or played it; they were too enamored with whipping all over the place in Super Castlevania IV, and it became a game nobody talks about, hardly ever reviews, or even remembers.

Luckily, I'm here to set the record straight.

It even brings back the old "Monster Movie" aesthetic that permeated the first game. 

The story is pretty much routine at this point. Dracula's niece or daughter or something is trying to bring the ol' Count Chocula back to life to just be a nuisance again or something. Seriously, what does Dracula actually do? What is his end goal? World domination? Just being annoying? In a world full of dragons, Medusas, and living skeletons he seriously seems like just another annoyance. Dunno what the fuss is about.

Anyway, a major difference is this game covers all of Europe, and is set in 1917 instead of medieval times. As either John Morris, who apparently is a Belmont despite not having it in his name, or The Long Haired Dude Who Has The Spear (I think his name is...Eric? Maybe?) you travel across the continent lookin' for trouble in all the wrong places until you reach the revived undead lord himself and either whip or spear him back to the afterlife. Pretty basic. 

But honestly, the story doesn't matter. It's a unique setting (and surprisingly less "gothic" than previous installments) and you have some new dudes to play as. Big whoop. On to the game.

Well gee, doesn't this look familiar?

Probably the reason people glossed over this game is it came out a good deal after Super Castlevania IV, and didn't have the most notable feature from that  game: the extendo-whip. It also had characters that weren't massive and was on the Genesis, which is known to be an inferior system graphically. However, what makes Bloodlines good is that it goes back to Castlevania 1, looks at how that game was set up, and improves on that formula rather then adding some stupid gimmick like "whip anywhere you want." It then works off that and the Castlevania 3 idea of multiple characters to make this game incredible. 

John Morris is pretty standard. He whips forward relatively quickly and deals a lot of damage. He can also whip diagonally up when in mid air, but this is more for a grab/swing (one of the few things taken from Super Castlevania) to get over specific ledges. Because the "whip everywhere" is gone, sub weapons are actually useful again, which is intelligent design. More on the sub weapons later. 

Eric is a bit different. His spear can attack diagonally, as well as straight up, but it is a slower weapon and a bit clunkier. Missing will mean having to retract it and possibly take a hit. He also doesn't move quite as quickly or jump quite as high, but he does have a duck+jump move that makes him vault off the spear to get to higher areas. He can use the same sub-weapons (which are useful because they attack fast, which makes up for the slow spear) but you'll probably use a different set because of his increased normal weapon versatility. With John it's about hitting the blind spots, with Eric it's compensating for speed.

Also, dat spear. It's huge!

The point I'm getting at this this: the game is brilliantly designed around both characters. Levels feel equally difficult regardless of who you are playing; Eric isn't just a cakewalk because of his versatility and John isn't "hard mode" or anything (in fact, I tend to prefer him for some levels). There also are traversal areas where the way to go splits depending on who you are playing; if you're Eric you may have to vault up to a different path, while John will instead swing forward another way. It's clever and cool and encourages replays with different characters to master their styles.

This is even more impressive considering how well designed each level is regardless. As I said in the intro, this is OCD game design at its best. Every trap, every enemy, and every jump seems planned for a reason. Enemies are put in frustrating spots that require memorization to overcome (or very quick reflexes). Jumps are tricky but not unfair. Health is hard to find but still available, and those who play cautiously will be well rewarded. All this makes this game feel more like Castlevania 1 than any of the other games I've reviewed just far. It's sublime in how well it all fits together, which is something I haven't seen in this series for a while. 

Plus, since it's on the Genesis, blood galore. 

There's other minor improvements that really make this feel like a sequel to the first game. Sub-weapons have been rethought out and redefined so that there's less of them, and the fat is trimmed away. If you liked the Clock or the Knife...too bad, they're gone. Instead you have just three: the axe (the necessary "arching" weapon for John), the Scythe (a mixture between the knife and the cross), and the Holy Water (same as it was before). Also, in a smart change, candles no longer drop hearts but gems, but they serve the same purpose. I mean...come on. Even that makes more sense then hearts. Hearts are life, dumb dumb.

This refinement of the sub-weapons is brilliant because it trims the fat and modifies them down to the three important ones: the arching weapon, the quick forward directed weapon, and the sustain/hit enemies on lower platforms weapon. Choosing which one to use where is actually worth thinking about, and if you remember levels you may find yourself avoiding swaps. Unfortunately, it still doesn't do that thing it does in Symphony of the Night where if you accidentally pick up a new sub-weapon you have a brief second to swap back, but nobody's perfect. 

It ain't Castlevania without a clock tower level. 

I could ramble on and on about the design, but let me just end saying that the difficulty is darn near perfect. The challenge is there but after getting used to the controls and figuring out your characters, you'll be totally rocking it hard. You'll come to anticipate the design (much like Castlevania 1) so that you'll play cautious but with an idea of what to expect. The game does get quite tough the further in you get, but it's a good difficult. It feels beatable, and you actually feel like you're getting better at the game. As all good games should make you feel.

Graphically, the game doesn't dress to impress as much as one would hope. The foreground characters and enemies all look decent, and there's a delicious amount of violence and gore (in the NA and Japan versions; the European versions got censored). Like...a lot, though. Like the first zombie you whip rips in half and leaves bloody innards on the ground. Genesis does what Ninten-don't, it seems. Aside from the new gore, however, as well as a few tricky stages using "blast processing," the game is a bit dull to look at. The smaller sprites are appreciated (unlike the freakishly huge ones in Super), but the backgrounds are particularly drab and the overall game is underwhelming. It's easy to see why, just looking at screenshots, a kid of the 90s would grab Castlevania IV over Bloodlines.

The soundtrack is also a mixed bag. It does have some really cool tunes (as well as remixes) and I always felt the Genesis's sound chip was better suited for electric guitar and really kickin' beats. However, Bloodlines doesn't hit the level of awesome that games like Castlevania 3 and 1 did. That being said, it does have remixes of key songs from those games in addition to the new songs, and hearing them on the Genesis chip is a treat. 

That's some serious Genesis-level tunage going on.

I'm gonna say it again: Castlevania Bloodlines is the true direct sequel to Castlevania. It improves perfectly on what that game set out to do, and refines and trims the fat and isn't afraid to make some dramatic change to the gameplay styles to do so. While this may be considered the black sheep of the linear Castlevanias for not being on a Nintendo system, adding a non-whip character, and axing hearts for gems, Bloodlines is as pure Castlevania as you can get. It's a massively overlooked gem, and should be an essential part of both a Castlevania fan's collection as well as any Genesis collector's stash.

This could very well be my most favorite linear Castlevania game. With solid design, excellent improvements, and multiple characters to encourage replaying, there really isn't any other game in the series quite like it. Super Castlevania IV may have had "Super" in the title, but Bloodlines was where it was at my friend.

Kick Dracula back for good, or at least until Konami needs to make another game to pay the bills. Five out of five stars. 

And off we leap into the sunset. 

Altered Beast

Video Review

Text Review

  The Short

Pros
- Original pack-in game with the Sega Genesis
- Can be played two-player
- Faithful to the original arcade game
- You can turn into a variety of beasts, which is cool I guess

Cons
- Clunky and dull
- Only has five levels
- Stages are short and bosses are dull
- Ugly graphics and music
- No continues
- Ultimately, does not stand the test of time

"Welcome to your doom!"

The Long

Ah, 1989. The new Sega Genesis hit the market, ready to punch the NES in the face with its 16-bit graphics and hip new attitude. It was the spark of the console war most gamers will remember best, the face-off between Nintendo and Sega as they tried to gain control of the rapidly growing video game market. So, when you are releasing a system to compete against the all-powerful, game-packed NES, what game do you promote to show off your system's advanced graphics? Sega originally picked Altered Beast, though luckily they quickly saw the light and switched it to the much superior Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sega loves to pack this game into any compilation collection they release (and boy, do they release a lot), and as a bonus also throw it onto modern download services like XBLA, PSN, and Steam. So...after almost twenty-five years, is Altered Beast still as much a classic as other titles?

No. It isn't. I'll just get that out of the way right now.

Nothing like a dude throwing his face at you over and over. 

Altered Beast is an incredibly simple and slow arcade beat-em-up. Essentially, Zeus has resurrected you to kill Neff, who kidnapped his daughter. For unexplained reasons when you gather glowing orbs (that look more like a sci-fi item than a fantasy ones) your guy gets buffer and buffer, before finally turning into a BEAST. Get it? You are altered into a beast. That's clever title writing, that.

Beasts vary depending on levels, from a wolf that can sprint and punch fireballs to a flying gremlin thingy that has electricity to a bear and tiger and...then a wolf again. Yeah, the game has only five levels, and can be beaten in under ten minutes. So don't get too excited thinking you'll be busting through level after level as a bear; it ain't gonna happen.

You can play two-player, if you want to get bored together.

The main issue with the game is how incredibly slow and clunky it plays. You have essentially two attacks: a high punch and a low kick. High punches for tall enemies, low kicks for the low ones, and a jump/duck attack for...whenever. Your character walks extremely slowly and the screen is constantly panning to the right, meaning you have to keep up. Enemies spawn from both sides for your kicking and punching pleasure, and then you fight a boss after about 20-30 seconds of this slow scrolling.

The first thing you'll notice is the relatively low number of enemies. Considering most go down in one or two hits, there really isn't a whole lot of challenge here. Next, you'll see they are just as slow as you are, taking their dear sweet time jumping or walking across the screen. It's monotonous to just watch.

Two bad dudes. 

The game picks up very slightly after getting three power-ups and turning into a "beast," but that just takes the game and makes it a cakewalk. And since enemy location never changes, anyone who has played this game more than twice probably has all the enemies completely memorized. There's no variation, no increased challenge, and no real sense of progression. It's just five bland levels punching and kicking weak stuff until the end. All while moving like you are fording a quagmire of molasses.

You can play two-player co-op which makes the game a little better (plus enemies drop twice as many power-ups), but let's be honest: who really would want to play this game through with a friend, when there are so many better two-player games out there?

Punch a dragon-rattlesnake.

While this might have looked impressive back in 1989, Altered Beast looks downright dull this day and age. Though, thinking back, I honestly can't say this game looked very good then either. It lacks the multicolored punch future Genesis games like Sonic the Hedgehog would have, and despite having more colors I'd say Altered Beast looks substantiallyworse than an NES game like Castlevania, which was on the "weaker" system. The pixel art is boring to look at and the backdrops, especially, seem to blend together into a horrid mesh of colors. While it isn't the ugliest game I've seen, it certainly isn't pleasing to look at now.

Music is the same: unimpressive. While the tunes certainly hold a slight level of nostalgia for me, they are weak when compared to anything else on the system. Everybody knows the "WISE FWOM YOUR GWAVE" voice clip that starts the game off, which sounds particularly bad (and it's weird, seeing as Bases Loaded on the NES was fully voiced and soundsgreat).

This game has been a beast to review. Get it? "Beast?" I'm a writer. 

While this game might have been impressive back when it released with the Genesis, looking back on it now it's just a relic that should remain forgotten. It baffles me how often this game gets re-released and re-packaged; you'd think Sega would want to just forget this boring sludge even existed. I am not proud that I own an original cartridge of this game on the Genesis (and a second copy on the 6-Pak), as even the collector in me is ashamed. I highly suggest playing just about any other game on the Genesis before booting this one back up. While it isn't broken, it is completely boring, which in this day and age is almost as bad.

One out of five stars. 

Yeah, good luck with that, Sega. 

Tiny Toons Adventures: Buster's Hidden Treasure

The Short

Pros

- Fun platformer on the Genesis with all the Tiny Toons dudes

- And by "all" I mean "you only play as Buster"

- A weird mix between Sonic the Hedgehog and Super Mario World

- Game is challenging but fair, making for an entertaining experience

- Graphics look great, and the music is top notch

- Bosses are fun and the game is just the right length

- Tons of secrets to find

- Passwords! At least they are short!

Cons

- Sometimes wants to be Sonic a bit too much, without conveying the whole "speed" thing

- Buster's default walking speed is "not very quick"

- A few cheap jumps 

- Game can get pretty difficult near the end

- The "slide" move is pretty much useless

- Still has the stupid Tiny Toons theme on a loop on the first level

Yep, it's another Tiny Toons game

The Long

I don't know what is is, but for some reason I'm gravitationally pulled towards any Tiny Toons games I find when out game shopping. I have no idea why this is; maybe it's because I really enjoyed the first Tiny Toons Adventures game despite its flaws? The point being: whenever I find a Tiny Toons game, even if I've never played or even heard of it before, I usually end up buying it. Good thing there aren't very many of these (two on the NES, two on the Genesis, and one on the SNES).

Anyway, Tiny Toons Adventures: Buster's Hidden Treasure was the Genesis offering from Konami, continuing the franchise's core design idea of "rip off a more popular game and just don't quite do it as well." For Tiny Toons Adventures on the NES it was Mario 3. For Buster's Hidden Treasure, it was Sonic the Hedgehog...sort of.

Hey, a world map! This looks familiar!

The "plot" is...nonexistant. It doesn't tell you what is going on. After digging around I found out Buster's buddies have all been kidnapped on this island, and you've got to bust (ha ha! PUNS) them all loose. Well, except Gogo Dodo, that weird plant guy with an umbrella for a hat. He's just the guy who is at the end of the level, so I guess he didn't get caught. Alrighty then.

You pretty much just fight your way through nine worlds, each with one to six levels on them. Simple enough. We don't need no plot in our Tiny Toons games! 

This game looks pretty stinkin' good. 

As mentioned, Buster's Hidden Treasure takes a few nods from Sonic the Hedgehog, though while I was playing it I also got some weird Jazz Jackrabbit vibes. Basically Buster accelerates the more he moves, before sprinting forward at super speeds (completely with the "spinning feet" look that Sonic's feet turn into when he's running fast). Some parts of the game require you to push back on springs to go up ramps, others have springboards that send you sailing. There's secret underground areas where you can backtrack for more carrots of hearts, and while there is a focus on going fast there's also a lot of platforming and several ways through the level. See, totally a Sonic game.

The difference is that Buster's Hidden Treasure isn't...fast. It isn't a speedy game like Sonic is. While you do get some speed at some points that isn't the goal of the game, and there aren't any sections where you just zoom ahead and watch what is going on like it's a cutscene (which Sonic has plenty of). The game is a bit slower and much more platform focused, with tricky jumps and tons of enemies you have to jump on to kill. It's actually more like a fusion between Sonic and Super Mario World, only without the powerups. Or Yoshi. Or coins. Or Tails. 

I see where you get your inspiration, Konami. 

Despite Konami apparently making it a trend to ape aspects from the hit games of the consoles it's on, Buster's Hidden Treasure is actually...pretty dang good. The mix of speed and platforming (as well as optional paths) is just the right balance, there are tons of secrets, and the game is never too difficult or too easy. Unlike Tiny Toons Adventures on NES, you have three lives this time, and hearts are reasonably plentiful if you screw up. Though, like Sonic, if you fall on spikes its an instant kill.

Platforming feels great, and there are even a few options. You can go into a slide (which is useless; I never used it), and you can also find hidden objects that you can use to bomb everything on the screen. I honestly never really used these "nukes," but it's neat they are there.

What's weird is this game doesn't give you lives for picking up carrots. Instead, every fifty you get gives you one of those nukes. At the end of a level, you get to keep the nukes but the number you have stockpiled gives you more points (die and you lose all your bombs). Get enough points, and then you'll get an extra life. It's weird and not normal for these kinds of games, but it still works. 

This game is very colorful and - dare I say it - toony. 

The solid gameplay is complimented by it's fantastic graphics. Bright cartoony sprites mixed with some downright beautiful backdrops make for a very appealing game to look at. Animations are fluid and enemies all look fantastic as well. They did good with the colors in this game, making it visually impressive throughout. 

The music is also great, though for some reason it did the thing where the first handful of levels is just the Tiny Toons theme song over and over. Which is fine (and fun to compare the Genesis rendition to that on the NES), but man it gets annoying. 

You have found the ultimate secret. 

Buster's Hidden Treasure isn't perfect. It borrows heavily from better games, making a product that really isn't better than the sum of its parts. Despite this, the parts are fantastic, and the fair difficulty, good graphics, and mesh of multiple genre ideas result in a game that is quite a bit of fun. I'm willing to bet plenty of people overlook this game on the Genesis simply because it's just another licensed game, but if you can find it for cheap (I got my copy for $3) it's absolutely worth picking up. 

If only they'd taken it a bit further, it could easily be ranked amongst Mario and Sonic. Four out of five stars. 

And they all lived something after something. Until they played the SNES Tiny Toons game. 

ToeJam & Earl

The Short

Pros
- Unique blend of funk and roguelike
- A roguelike without most of the usual roguelike elements
- Funny items, powerups, and dialogue
- Soundtrack and characters are funky fresh
- Randomizing levels makes each game unique
- 2-3 hours a run make for a fun quick run
- Two-player co-op is done flawlessly

Cons
- Main character movement speed is just slow enough to be frustrating
- Randomized levels and items can royally screw you over
- Falling several floors can lead to serious frustration
- No save feature
- Graphics are good but not great
- XBLA release never happened

It's time to get funky.

The Long

If you haven't played it, you probably have no idea what ToeJam & Earl is. I know I had no idea, even when I saw it at the store and ended up buying it. I knew it was funky, and that it starred two rapping aliens (how many games can say that?), and that people loved it. Beyond that? You got me.

It wasn't until I booted the game up and played a few rounds both single player and co-op that I realized what ToeJam & Earl is: it's amazing.

Sinkin' in the custard

The plot is hardly worth mentioning. ToeJam (the red, multi-legged one) and Earl (the fat, starfish one with killer jams) are space rappers from the planet Funk-o-tron who were unfortunate enough to crash land on Earth. The pieces to their ship scattered, so now the space rapstars are off to recover the pieces and get back to Funk-o-tron.

It's nonsensical, but the game sells its style to a level only comparable to something like Earthworm Jim. The quips between Earl and ToeJam (assuming you are playing co-op) is hilarious and amusing and fits the theme ("Sup, Earl?", etc.). The items you pick up tend to be junk food (or just junk, like moldy bread) and are accompanied by a hip reaction. My favorite is the Root Beer, which makes your character burp non-stop for the next couple minutes (interrupting cutscene dialogue, even). It's goofy, stupid, and taken to exactly the right level to work.

Earl: Sleepin' on the job. 

I'm willing to bet by this point in the review, after looking at the screenshots, you still have no idea how you actually play this game. And that's fair; the screenshots don't really tell you anything. Essentially: ToeJam & Earl is a rogue-like. Yes, a rogue-like. Like The Binding of Isaac.

What makes it unique is how it strips away most of what would be considered staples of the rogue-like genre. You hardly ever kill enemies; usually your best (and only) option is to run. It isn't turn-based. While you do level up, it's expressed in the "titles" at the bottom of the screen ("ToeJam is a Wiener" being the equivalent to "Level One," and it moves up from there). Experience isn't gained by killing enemies but exploring squares on the overall map. It's a wild concept: an (essentially) combat-free rogue-like. And it works...quite well.

This game has some weird enemies. 

The main trick is presents. Scattered across the randomly generated maps (though you have the option to play through a non generated set) are presents which you can pick up and use. These can either help or hurt; you won't know until you actually use them. After you do you'll know for all future presents (unless you get the present that re-mixes up stuff so you don't know...the worst thing ever), so you can avoid crappy ones and stick to using the good ones. These range from weapons to health, but most are ones that help you better traverse the environment or escape enemies (like bounce shoes or wings).

Then you hit the staple of the rogue-like: the risk/reward. Exits are usually fairly easy to find (based on the random aspect, but still...). Do you bail and get up to the next level, or keep wandering in hopes that you'll find something good? The game will tell you on each floor if it has a spaceship piece (so you can't really miss them, thankfully) so is it worth going to grab stuff that might kill you? 

And that's the real hook: deciding whether or not to eat that unknown present, or just trash it. To continue adventuring on risk of death, or just move on. And it's a constant decision, and it's great.

Two funky dudes. 

I can't go further without mentioning the absolutely excellent co-op. The game uses a dynamic split screen feature as you and a friend are crusin' around as ToeJam and Earl. When you are close together, the screen merges and you both wander around (and any powerups used will be used on both, which gives you incentive to stay close). Split up and the screen will cut down the middle, each half focusing on each specific character until reunited. You can even be on different levels and the game will keep it up. Splitting up to explore the world makes this game a lot funner, and having to work together with power-ups only adds to that.

Despite all this, ToeJam & Earl has some rather annoying flaws. My biggest complaint would have to be the movement speed. While I enjoy the vibe of the game where I'm just relaxin', crusin' around with my homeboy Earl as we explore this weird earth, their movement speed is so slow it can be incredibly tedious to backtrack (or even move forward). You can get powerups that increase movement speed for a limited time, but they are still just swaggering around at the speed of slow. 

This only gets more aggravating with my next big issue: the random worlds sometimes screwing you. Now, I know this is a rogue-like, so sometimes you just get dealt a crappy hand. But considering this game is based on layers (which you can easily fall off the edge of, dropping you to the previous world where you have to walk back to the elevator), it is extremely frustrating when you drop onto an island, only to have to drop down again just for hope to get to an elevator. Once, due to one small mistake (or rather, an enemy grabbing me and throwing me off), I had to backtrack back up five levels. That's about the time I want to turn the game off, especially since ToeJam is blissfully under motivated in terms of walking speed. 

Screwed. Over. 

Graphically, ToeJam & Earl looks fine, but not particularly extravagant. I love the absolutely bizarre enemies: giant hamsters in balls, people dressed up as devils, an angry mom pushing a screaming kid around in a shopping cart, Santa, a mad scientist, and more. The worlds look good but "samey," with little variety throughout the quest to the stars. It's passable (and the vibrant colors are appealing, as is the funky font) but a bit underwhelming.

Music is absolutely jammin'. While I'm a bit sad there's a limited number of tracks, the songs are so catchy I can forgive it. Not to mention the best elevator music ever as you go up a level (that beat is sick, bro). The sound design is also great, with lots of voice work that sounds surprisingly clear on the Genesis. 

"Tomato Rain" might be the best named power-up ever. 

I will admit: I had no expectations when going into this game, and I was pleasantly surprised. ToeJam & Earl is a bit insubstantial single-player, true, but with a friend who is willing to chill out and just get funky in space elevators, ToeJam & Earl is a blast. It's a bit dated with its slow movement speed and minor issues, but ultimately it was ahead of its time and certainly worth checking out if you have any interest in rogue-likes.

A Genesis cart can be a bit pricy (between $20-$30), but they re-released this game on the Wii Virtual Console for a mere $8. This game was supposed to come out on Xbox Live Arcade in 2009, but apparently some copyright disagreements closed it out. Unfortunate. It's also too bad the sequel, Toejam and Earl in Panic on Funk-o-Tron ditched the rogue-like elements and made it a platformer, which doesn't have quite the charm (I already have quirky platformers, thanks). 

Still, worth a shot if you are into something wholly original and completely weird. Four out of five stars.

See you, space funksters.