Castlevania: The Adventure ReBirth

The Short

Pros

- An actual new, linear Castlevania game. In 2009. Whaaaa

- Graphics look appropriately 16-32 bit with some fantastic pixel art

- Gameplay feels shockingly familiar to Rondo of Blood/Bloodlines era of the series

- Multiple paths through levels encourage replaying

- Difficulty and continue settings make the game accessible

- A "classic" mode adds old jump controls (vs in-air control) and locks non-traditional sub-weapons

- Music is kick-ass and sounds exactly like it would if the Genesis and SNES had a love child

Cons

- Picking up a subweapon on accident doesn't give you the option to retrieve the old one. Come on!

- Game gets pretty damn hard starting on Level 3

- Only five stages and the final boss "stage"

- Split paths are cool but don't unlock anything like they do in Rondo of Blood

- Is tied in name to Castlevania: The Adventure, which was a really stupid thing to associate ones-self with

This whole experience has been shocking.

The Long

So, this game was supposed to be awful. It really was. It was a few months before Lords of Shadow came out, "rebooting" the franchise and ultimately killing it. Konami decides to release a Wiiware exclusive Castlevania game (maybe to make up for the fact that Lords of Shadow wasn't coming to Wii), and based on the title it sounds like a remake of Castlevania: The Adventure. You know? The worst Castlevania game ever made? Yeah. That one.

I only even gave this game a shot because I wanted my Castlevania review binge to be complete, and figured even a remake of The Adventure couldn't be any worse than the original. Well, I was right. It isn't worse. In fact, it's one of the best Castlevania games. No, really. I'm as shocked as you are. Maybe even more, actually. Because I'm pretty damn shocked.

Anyway, let's talk about this.

This looks a bit familiar.

First thing to point out: this isn't actually a remake of Castlevania: The Adventure. In fact, the only thing that carries over is the eyeballs (but they don't explode anymore) and the fact that you can get a whip that shoots projectiles. Hell, they even cut the remixed song from Castlevania: The Adventure from the game (which sucks, frankly, because that song is awesome). Oh, and it's the same Belmont (Christopher), in what little story it presents.

Aside from that, Rebirth is a whole different beast. And thank god for that, because Rebirth is a phenomenal Castlevania game.

This is a linear Castlevania game. Unlike all the Game Boy Advance and DS titles, Rebirth is sticking with the basics, making this the first linear Castlevania game since Castlevania Chronicles on the PS1 (which was a remake of Castlevania 1). And as such, you traverse stages in a semi-linear fashion, gathering power-ups, hunting for wall-chicken to refill your health, and wishing the stairs were all gone (though they aren't as bad this time around). You gather orbs to power up your whip, and while getting a second orb grants you a ranged attack (like the Game Boy games), it is only temporary. I imagine this is in response to having sub-weapons in the game, but still provides a cool throwback to it's Adventure source. I like it.

Also, this game can get quite tricky.

Despite being released in 2009, I'm pleased to say Konami didn't skimp on the difficulty. While the game does have branching paths (the trickier they are to find, usually the easier they are to traverse), there is some mad difficult platforming and level design in this game. While it isn't perfect (the difficulty seems to fluctuate a bit, espeically considering how hard Stage 3 is), this sure feels a lot like old-school Castlevania. Not Castlevania III: Drac in the Box hard, mind you, but on par with Rondo of Blood or Bloodlines at the very least. I'm a huge fan.

If you aren't a huge fan (or were raised on the more lenient Metroid-vania offerings of the series), the game does have difficulty settings as well as life settings (up to 9, with unlimited continues). Easy isn't quite a cakewalk (since most of the later stages [stage 3, again] have more platforming challenges than enemy challenges), but it's certainly simpler than old-school linear 'vania's. Normal feels like a great fit, and there's even a Hard setting if you thought Castlevania III: This Joke is Getting Old was too easy. You masochist.

Also, there is a LOT of eyeballs.

The game plays great. The whip has appropriate wind-up, sub-weapons are essential (though, as always, the cross is the best). Item-crash or acrobatics (from Rondo) aren't here, and neither is multi-dimensional whipping (from Super). This is just a very by-the-numbers Castlevania experience, similar to Bloodlines. And ya'll know how I feel about Bloodlines.

One big difference is you initially have in-air control over your jumps, rather than the unalterable arch. Those who read these reviews probably know how I feel about that (I like my jumps like I like my significant others: dedicated yet uncontrollable), but after beating just one stage unlocks "Classic" mode. This returns the engagement-ring style of jumping, as well as removes all sub-weapons except the bottle and the cross (the only two you need, so no biggie). Brilliant touch, Konami. Those who like their Castlevanias this way can enable it should they desire, while everybody else can have their wamby-pamby, easy-mode in-air modern platformer jumping controls. WHO NEEDS IT?! 

3spooky5me

Stages are well built throughout is the point, and it can feel as classic or modern (or anywhere in-between) as you want. While Rebirth doesn't really do anything too crazy or that hasn't been done before, it just does it all so...well. I'd claim they were pandering to me if this wasn't exactly how I've wanted to be pandered to as they released game after game of Metroid-vania titles. Between the tricky platforming, familiar enemies (and some new ones!), obnoxious stair-climbing, and monkey skeletons on ropes (which you, sadly, can't climb anymore), this is about as Castlevania as it gets. I love it.

The only thing that feels under-utilized is the branching paths. While I appreciate them (obviously a nod to Rondo of Blood), in Rondo they often were more than just another route. Frequently they'd unlock entirely new stages, new bosses, or even new characters (Maria). This is not the case here: split paths are just for funsies, some harder and others easier than the "standard" route. It would've been cool to offer unlocks or something by going down these paths (like a Simon skin for Christopher, etc.), but alas, it was not to be.

Final gripe: picking up a subweapon doesn't let you change your mind and pick up the other one (i.e. you don't drop it, it just vanishes into space). This is especially obnoxious if you pick up the key before a boss (which does jack all ) and now...tough luck, nerd! Good job trying to key Dracula's car to death!

Oh, and the game is pretty short. I said the last gripe was my final one, but too bad. To be fair, the stages themselves are pretty freaking long (each with a mid-level boss as well as the final one), but the fact there's only five of them and a "final boss" stage is too bad.

Death is still a huge jerk.

I'm in love with this game's graphics. While it isn't the best pixel art around the board (some of the enemies look a little...bad, like the mermen), nearly every enemy has original sprite art (we finally aren't using the Medusa Head sprite from Rondo anymore! It only took seven freaking games!), and the game even tosses in a few brand-new enemies (and bosses) to test your mettle. Everything is hand-pixelated, without any of the pseudo-3D cheap tricks people like to sneak into their 2D (or 2.5D) platformers these days. Even when things are falling apart (like the bridge in the pic up there), the way it breaks into chunks looks very SNES/Genesis style of sprite manipulation. I love all of it; it all looks fantastic. If Shovel Knight was meant to emulate a NES, Rebirth perfectly emulates the 16-bit era.

Music is also on-point in so many ways. Every song is a remix, which I am all about. Even better, they chose to remix a few lesser known songs (the opening level is a Bloodlines remix, which means instant 10/10, perfect game). The midi mix they used sounds like a weird hybrid between the SNES and Genesis sound chips (though more of the latter) and I love it. I love all of it. They even remixed the best song from Belmont's Revenge, which I thought Konami forgot existed. Like, I'm gushing now, but this soundtrack is boss hog. 

This is my kind of Castlevania.

So color me completely surprised or whatever, but Castlevania: The Adventure ReBirth is a damned fine Castlevania game, a wholly original linear Castlevania experience, and one that came out in freaking 2009. I'm still having difficultly fathoming this.

It has great gameplay, varying levels of difficulty to appeal to newcomers and hardcore fans alike, the graphics and music are phenomenal, and the levels are built smartly and are equal parts punishing and fun. It's a great Castlevania game.

If I had to force a gripe on it (aside from the small points I've mentioned already), it's that Rebirth, while solid, never quite reaches the heights found in the best of the linear Castlevanias. Maybe I'm rose-tinting here, but there's a tightness in Castlevania 1 and Bloodlines that this game is lacking. Barely. Also it doesn't really try anything new (aside from a handful of original enemies) or steal that might have been too controversial (Richtor's moveset, Bloodline's whip-swing, etc.). It's as basic as it can get.

And I'm totally ok with this. For a $10 downloadable WiiWare title, this game seems like a bloody miracle that it even exists. If you have any affinity for the linear Castlevania games, you must get Rebirth. I can't believe I'm recommending something associated (if only a little) with Castlevania: The Adventure, but there you go. Get it. Right now.

Four out of five stars. 

Also, shame on you Konami for not using this song! Shame, shame, shame!

Metal Slug X: Super Vehicle - 001

The Short

Pros
- Basically Metal Slug 2 without any of the problems
- New enemies, weapons, and slight tweaks to the levels make this the definitive version of Metal Slug 2
- No slowdown, even on the PS1 version
- PS1 version has a level select
- One of the funnest run-n-gun games to date
- Finds a perfect balance between skill and arcade challenge

Cons
- Renders Metal Slug 2 redundant

Metal Slug: Where you kill land-boats one gun at a time

The Long

I loved Metal Slug 2, but the problems with the slowdown really killed the game's flow for me. Luckily, it seems SNK realized they screwed up, because shortly after the release of Metal Slug 2 they cleaned up the game, made a few adjustments, and released Metal Slug X. Metal Slug X was also the first Metal Slug game released in the US on the PS1, so for most people (myself included) this was the first Metal Slug game they ever played in the comfort of their own home.

And hoo, boy, is it a good one!

Suck it, Nazi Laser Death Sub!

As I stated in my Metal Slug 2 review, I consider the second installment in this series to be the absolute best one. While many can argue that Metal Slug 3 is the craziest (and the longest), it also is absurdly difficult to the point that the game can be very frustrating (not to mention the final level is way too long). While that discussion will be reserved for the Metal Slug 3 review, I will say this: Metal Slug X is the perfect balance of skill and cheap deaths, making it for a fantastic Metal Slug game and the absolute funnest. 

Power-ups are frequent and feel great. Vehicles (aka "Slugs") are also all over the place, and a skilled player will be able to keep them for long durations of time. Enemies are plentiful but never overly difficult, and even the final batch of enemies (the aliens) are a new challenge but can be mastered if you are good enough at jumping and shooting their space-blob-bullets. This is one of the few Metal Slug games were I could actually one-coin the whole game (yeah. Really. The only one) while I was in my prime on the PS1. This makes you feel like you are always in control, and the game never throws anything particularly unfair at you.

Bats with potions. I hate those guys. 

Now, in argument that means this is a "bad" arcade game, as it won't suck your quarters as much as Metal Slug 3 does. But since X is clearly intended to be the "home" version of Metal Slug 2, I think it's perfect. You don't have to continue like crazy (though if you do you have unlimited lives) and you can get a good run going and actually save prisoners at the end of the levels. 

Let's go over the brief changes between X and 2, since the majority of the game is exactly the same. There's a new weapon, the Iron Lizard (though I swear the guy says "Iron Eagle" when you pick it up) that is like an explosive remote-control car that zooms away from you on the ground when shot. There's new enemies like mummy-dogs, and the first-level boss has been moved to a mid-level boss and replaced with the standing-tank-thing from Metal Slug, which is kind of neat. They also changed a few levels in very small ways (the starting level is at night instead of during the day now for some reason), but overall this is pretty much the exact same game, just refined to an excellent shine. 

I really love this game's bosses. 

Aside from that, there really isn't much to say that hasn't been, except this is my absolute favorite Metal Slug game. It's well balanced, has fantastic setpieces, is never unfair or unjustly cruel, has a fun story with a goofy "plot twist" at the end, and is an absolute riot co-op. While it might be the easiest Metal Slug game (at least out of the early ones), that isn't to say it's a pushover. It strikes a good balance between visceral satisfaction and edge-of-your-seat stress, which is exactly what the series needed.

Metal Slug X is also a fantastic PS1 port, with all the slowdown gone and even with a stage select. This is where I spent most of my days, but it's also on the PSP, PS2, and Wii as part of the Metal Slug Anthology. I personally think that whole collection is worth it for X alone (and all other six games are a bonus), but hey...to each his own.

Regardless, you should play this game. If you have a friend who likes blasting stuff as much as you, grab him or her, sit in front of your TV, and get shootin' at those nazies, mummies, aliens, bats, and tank-boats. Metal Slug don't get better than this.

Five out of five stars. 

And yes, the mummy level song will still get stuck in your head. 

Metal Slug 2: Super Vehicle - 001/II

The Short

Pros
- Takes the original Metal Slug formula and cranks it up to 11
- More weapons, slugs (vehicles), and enemies
- Fight aliens and mummies, oh my!
- Adds two new playable characters (girls!) and lets you actually pick your character
- Can get "Fat" for more damage and more fatness.
- Some of the best bosses and locations in the series
- Strong balance of skill reward vs coin-pushing

Cons 
- Arcade version and all ports have absolutely crippling slowdown
- Overall mechanics not to different from the original Metal Slug
- Some of the levels (with the exploding Gollum-lookalikes) are a bit cheap
- Enemies don't bleed in the US versions; they "sweat." What.

Uncharted 2 train level, eat your heart out. 

The Long

Considering how successful Metal Slug was, it made sense that SNK would punch out another game. Two years later, with rocket lawnchair and heavy machine gun in hand, Metal Slug 2 hit arcades. Of all the Metal Slug games, this one has always felt to me like the one where the series really took off. It blends just the right about of nazi-slaughter along with killing weird other things (mummies, aliens, and...bats?), as well as allowed you to traverse the entire globe rather than just sort of rustic European-looking townscapes. Combined with new vehicles, characters, and weapons, this was going to be the best Metal Slug yet.

Is it? Well, almost, except for one rather massive flaw. 

This first boss is bigger than any in the original Metal Slug.

Metal Slug 2 takes everything that made the first game great and amps it up. The graphics are prettier, the enemies and bosses larger, and the locations and situations zanier. One minute you'll be fighting your way through an Egyptian village, riding a "Camel Slug" (basically just a camel with a machine gun mounted on the side), the next you'll be raiding tombs with the best of them and fighting mummies (and turning into a mummy if they manage to hit you with their toxic breath). Then you'll be fighting a land-ship-tank-thing, as well as a boss that literally throws tanks at you. After a startling plot twist that aliens are, in fact, behind all of this (spoilers?), you'll have to send E.T. home via flame shots and shotgun blasts before destroying the mothership and rescuing not-Hitler from anal probing. Oh, and did I mention one of the levels requires you to shoot a runaway train so many times it explodes? Four times?!

Metal Slug 2 is everything I love about the Metal Slug series. Tight controls, tons of great power-ups, fantastic boss battles that are just massive, and great graphics and tons of silliness. It was all set to be the best Metal Slug game yet.

But then you start paying it, and you realize something bad: this game has horrible slowdown.

Also, in the US versions of these games they "bleed" sweat. How lame is that?

And I don't just mean the home ports, which at the time were much less powerful systems than dedicated arcade cabinets. I mean, the game itself was slow in the arcades. When stuff really got crazy, which is a Metal Slug staple, things could drag to a downright crawl. While you could argue it isn't gamebreaking, it is extremely frustrating, not to mention lame. One of the staples of the first game was that tons of crazy stuff happened but the game still ran smooth. The slowdown is annoying.

Not just annoying, but it can get you killed! I can't count the number of times I couldn't react with good enough timing to dodge boss attacks or bullets because the game was just chugging along at about half-speed. It takes the wind out of the sales of many of the fantastic-looking (and designed) bosses to have the whole game barely moving half the time. Quite obnoxious.

I blame the mummies. Who live in a "Mummy" house, it seems.

All that aside, this game is gorgeous. The aforementioned huge bosses are all pixelated, glorious pillars of art and animation in a style that people, frankly, think takes too much time these days. The explosions look even better, and the new effects (like how a variety of enemies die differently when being either burned by a flame shot or literally disintegrated by the overpowered shotgun) are delightful to look at. This is really a fun looking game, slowdown be damned.

The music is, as always, catchy and great, but with certain tracks like the mummy level getting stuck in your head something fierce. The sound effects are also fantastic, with the alien and mummy death sounds being personal favorites of mine. 

It also has a great ending that directly references Independence Day, so that's hilarious as well.

I see what you did there, Metal Slug 2.

All in all, Metal Slug 2 does everything that a sequel should do. It ups the ante, jacks everything up to a new level, and looks phenomenal doing it. If it weren't for the awful slowdown, I'd argue that this is the best Metal Slug game ever made. But, to be honest, Metal Slug X (which is basically this game but better and with all the mistakes fixed) makes this game completely obsolete  But that's the topic for the next review.

Point being: Metal Slug 2 is great, and it's unfortunate the slowdown causes so many glaring problems. If you find it in an arcade, you should play it, but if you have it in a collection, play X instead.

Three out of five stars. 

Die, aliens!

Metal Slug: Super Vehicle - 001

The Short

Pros
- Crazy run 'n gun action with lots of powerups and abilities
- Drive vehicles (aka "Slugs") for more awesome carnage
- Some of the best pixel art in the business, bar none
- Six levels of not-nazi blasting carnage
- Strikes a good arcade balance between skill-based and unfair quarter-stealing
- Quite silly
- Two players
- "RAWKET LAWNCHAIR"

Cons
- Not as silly as later installments, though that might be ok
- Only two characters
- Early ports (Playstation and Saturn) were kind of garbage

Metal Slug: Actually a spiritual sequel to Prometheus? 

The Long

The "run n' gun" genre has been around for a while, but people will argue it really took off with Contra. Combining macho-men with tight control, the "one hit and you're dead" idea, and absurd powerups and tons of action, Contra was pretty kickass. Many games would attempt to emulate Contra's success, some doing great (Alien Hominid), some ok (Cybernater) and some doing not ok (Doom Troopers). But really, when you think of a game series that not only matched but completely outdid Contra, you're thinking about Metal Slug.

SNK and Neo Geo were the kings of the arcade back in the 90s. Even today, they've made games across tons of genres that are memorable, play fantastic, and are just straight awesome. But for me, my absolute favorite SNK arcade game franchise is Metal Slug. There's just something about these games that is so incredibly gratifying it's hard to not just want to sit down and play them for hours.

So...what makes the first one so good? And why should you consider it nearly twenty years later? Grab your Heavy Machine Gun and read on.

Burnin' bridges. 

There isn't much to the story, so we'll just leave it at "Nazi look-alikes." The army of green-clad, lazy soldier jerks is out to take over the world, lead by a Hilter wannabe, and it's your job to take 'em out. Take 'em all out. Be it tanks, helicopters, planes, dudes, boats, military bases, walls; whatever. Enough bullets, and it'll explode in glorious, hand-drawn shrapnel goodness. Thank you, SNK, for completely going over the top.

The gameplay of Metal Slug will be familiar to anyone who has (as stated previously) played Contra. Your character starts with a standard pistol and can shoot in four directions (unlike Contra's starting eight) and can fire as fast as you can mash the arcade button. Of course, power-ups are everywhere, most of them given to you by captured prisoners who all look exactly the same. Save them and then stand next to them for a brief second, and they'll pull out their pants and give you something good. Sometimes it's something awesome ("Shotgun!"), and sometimes it's just stupid (a bone that's worth 50 points? Gee, thanks). 

What makes this game a riot is the previously mentioned carnage. Your dude is a non-stop destruction machine, and with power-ups it only get more ludicrous. The amount of stuff on the screen at once is just staggering (not to mention gorgeous), and as you get more and more insane upgrades, the carnage just increases. And don't let me forget to talk about the tanks (or "Slugs," as they call them) which you can man and can take about 4-5 hits before exploding. These tanks are awesome and can jump, duck, and shoot tons of bullets and shells all over the place. They help give you a sense of empowerment few games can emulate. 

This is paired with incredibly tight controls for jumping, shooting, and tossing grenades. And since enemies are about as quick on the trigger as the cowboys in Sunset Riders, if you play careful you can usually get pretty far without having to put in another quarter. 

Total destruction. Also, those pixelated explosions? Gorgeous. 

That, in truth, is one of the better parts of the Metal Slug games. While it's still an arcade suck (especially on the last final levels and bosses), it's designed in such a way that if you get really good at timing jumps and shots you can last a pretty long time before seeing a Continue screen. The game pushes for your continue quarter by offering a free Heavy Machine Gun power-up on death, and every death also restocks your grenades (a cheap tactic in Free Play to get through some bosses quickly). But even though one little hit will kill you (and cause you to lose whatever powerup you have), you come right back where you left off ready to go.

That isn't to say there aren't cheap deaths. The vertical stage (stage 4 I think?) in the snow is cheap, as bad platforming jumps can cause unnecessary deaths. The later bosses fire so many bullets everywhere it seems impossible to dodge. And if you ever see a mounted gun: ignore it. It's a trap. Standing still where the computer wants you to be is a sure-fire way to get murdered, unless you have a great co-op buddy to cover your butt.

Speaking of co-op, that's by far the funnest way to play these games. While single player is nice because you can hog all the power-ups, the game drops so many that you can tell it's been designed for a co-op experience. Playing with two people can also decrease frustration with bosses and other enemies that take a lot of hits, as having a second hand makes you feel all the more powerful. Absolutely a game to be played with friends.

This has some of the best pixel art and animations in the business. 

The game looks incredible, too. Everything is hand-drawn pixel art, from the backgrounds to the bits that explode off enemies to the blood and effects; everything. The animations are amazingly smooth, the art is jaw-dropping at times, and some of the bosses (while not as totally bananas as the later games) really look impressive. This is combined with a serviceable soundtrack that just exists to get you pumped to shoot a trillion not-nazies, though the little "end level" ditty that they recycle throughout the series will be stuck in my head forever.

So what is bad about Metal Slug? Well...only a few minor nitpicks. As mentioned before, despite the game being quite silly in the amount of damage you can do, it still is pretty straight-laced this early on. While later games introduce zombies, giant hermit-crab tanks, and aliens, this one is just you shooting guys for most of it. Hardly bad, and the six stages offer plenty of scenery variety, but just not quite as memorable as others. 

The only other real issue I have is the general arcade thing of it being designed to eat quarters, especially with the later levels. While skill can take you a certain distance, after a while you're going to have to be tossing quarters in pretty frequently if you want to see the end of the game. This, of course, doesn't matter if you're playing one of the home ports with unlimited continues, though some might argue that takes away the nail-biting stress arcade games are designed to give you. I personally think the game is fun both ways, but I prefer to not have to pay every time I make a bad jump.

You're going down, not-Hitler.

Overall, however, Metal Slug is a classic for a reason. The home ports to the PS1 and Saturn were both pretty bad (the Saturn was better, though you'll need the 1 MB Ram cart), though the PS1 was where I first played this game and I survived. If you want to play it today, the Wii's Virtual Console is a pretty safe bet, though the best way is through the Metal Slug Anthology on either the PSP or PS2. Or just find it in an Arcade; it's still around.

Metal Slug is just straight up fun. Tons of blasting, explosions, bad pronunciation of powerups, and general macho badassness makes it memorable and just a straight up joy to play. I usually get frustrated at most arcade games for being unfair, but I never did with Metal Slug. If you like destruction, then grab a buddy and start blowing up everything. You can't let the not-nazies take over, can you?

Four out of five stars. 

"I eat prisoners for breakfast! Yes, literally!"

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

The Short

Pros
- Hilarious, cheesy, well-written story
- Absolutely outrageous and over the top characters
- Playing both detective and attorney can be a blast
- Great music and art
- Sticks with you long after you beat the game
- Cases are fun and have some great twists (despite the last one being weak)
- Being able to yell "HOLD IT!" or "OBJECTION!" into the DS mic is freaking hilarious
- iOS and Wii ports are both solid

Cons
- Short, with only five cases
- Relies a heavy amont on its own designed "logic," which can lead to issues
- Detective portions can be guesswork to find a certain object before the game lets you progress
- Graphically looks like the GBA port it is, with the touchscreen relatively useless
- Final fifth case feels tacked on (because it was)

The start of a thousand memes. 

The Long

I love the fact that Phoenix Wright exists, because it means that somewhere over in Japan somebody came into work at Capcom HQ and was like, "You know what the industry is missing? LAWYER GAMES."

And from that absolutely brilliant idea was birthed the Phoenix Wright franchise. First released in Japan on the GBA, it was ported (someone lazily) over to the new Nintendo DS for American audiences. And, yes, I was being serious before: this is a game where you play a lawyer. A defense attorney, to be completely accurate. And you do exactly what you think: defend people in court. Yep.

Which makes it all the more amazing at how incredible Phoenix Wright is. 

Brilliant burn there, Mr. Wright.

I won't lie: the majority of your enjoyment from Phoenix Wright is going to be from its absurd story (or stories might be more accurate). You play as Phoenix Wright, rookie defense attorney who is just starting off his career. As such he's insecure, makes awful jokes, and gets a bit overconfident at times. Luckily he has helpful tutors to guide him, but quickly the training wheels are taken off and he's thrown into the big world of defensive lawyering all by himself. 

That's where you come in. 

As the player, you will be participating in one of two activities: either going around collecting evidence (visiting witnesses, searching for clues, etc.) or getting into court to present those clues. The game is structured such that you cannot miss anything necessary during detectiving: it's pretty much a straight shot as you tick off check boxes to get to the end. Pretty basic. 

This game makes being a lawyer look more intense than doing back flips on a BMX bike off the side of the Grand Canyon while drinking Monster Energy. 

Back to the story: you have five cases to deal with (though four were the only ones included on the GBA games, and thus they flow together well while the fifth is a bit tacked on) and you have to prove your person innocent or die trying! Luckily Phoenix only gets people who actually are innocent, so there's no moral conundrum here. Where the game really shines, however, is its absurd characters. 

From crazy afro-lady photographers to blue-haired rich scumbags, sleeping crazy hermits or insane old ladies, Phoenix Wright has it all. It even has an evil attorney named Manfred Von Karma. Seriously, they couldn't ham this up any more if they tried. 

The silliness really shines, however, because of the balance. Many of these cases are serious (murders, digging up into the main character's pasts to reveal some genuinely dark secrets, and more) but the game keeps everything so over the top that the melodrama plays nicely with the exaggerated absurdity. To not mince any more words: the game is downright charming, well written, and knows exactly how serious to take itself (read: not at all). The jokes are spot on and the cases are genuinely interesting, which is all you really need.

Suck it, Edgeworth. 

The gameplay, unfortunately, doesn't really deliver as much as one might hope. As stated before you have two main things to do in Ace Attorney: search for evidence, then use the evidence in a court scene. Of these two, the former is by far the most aggravating. Searching a static image for small object is about as fun as looking for a needle in a haystack, especially since often you aren't even sure if you are looking in the right location. The game gates you from continuing until you fulfill certain (unknown) objectives, meaning it is very easy to get stuck and frustrated. When you do find clues it's usually really rewarding, as it's often accompanied by a silly bit of dialogue. But playing Sherlock is very slow, frustrating, and you rarely feel like you actually accomplished a goal. It's more like you luckily stumbled on the right place to tell the game that you are allowed to continue now.

Courtroom drama plays much better. You are charged with listening to both the information given as well as witness testimony. I dunno if they made these people swear on a Bible or whatever, but they lie constantly, and its your job to unravel it all and force them to spill the beans. You do this by tearing apart their statements chunk by chunk, pushing when necessary and using evidence to expose the lies. It works about 80% of the time, with the other 20% where the game falls to "adventure game logic," meaning next to no logic at all. It's the whole "throw the pie at the yeti" trap from King's Quest V: some leaps of logic simply don't make sense. After a while you can start to think the way the game wants you, but even then I would get stuck on some stupid cross examinations later in the game. 

But I will say: when you totally destroy a known liar's testimony using your wits and evidence (usually resulting in the person actually breaking down in defeat), that soul-crush is delicious.

You get five mistakes a trial, then you have to start all over. 

Graphically, Ace Attorney looks like a GBA game. The top screen does pretty much everything, with the bottom being reserved for menu choices or...tap to advance text. The game also looks a bit low-res (especially on high-res iPhone, which this game has been ported to) even on the DS screen. However, the bright colors and absurd art stylings do more than make up for the technical shortcomings. 

The music is also excellent. Even though there's only a handful of tracks, they are just as suspenseful and over-the-top as one would expect from a game about super-lawyers. You'll find yourself humming these tunes long after the game is over.

Ya screwed up. 

Despite having some rather glaring gameplay issues, I absolutely love Phoenix Wright. If you treat it more like an interactive visual novel instead of a game (and use a guide for the dull "play detective" parts), the story here is an absolute riot and absolutely worth diving in for. While Phoenix Wright might not be the most inspired game in terms of mechanics, the idea of making a lawyer game is undoubtably inspired. It's a hoot, genuinely emotional, and necessary playing if you own a DS or an iOS device (or a Wii, since I guess its out on that too). 

While the sequels do tend to fare a little better, this first game is still my favorite. Four out of five stars. 

Nice hair.

Mega Man X

The Short

Pros
- Perfect evolution of the Mega Man formula from the NES
- New additions dashing and wall jumping add a whole new level to the series
- Stages are a perfect blend of difficulty and reward
- Replaying stages to find secrets is an absolute blast, especially since the stages are dynamic based on who you've defeated
- Controls just like the NES Mega Man games, which is to say...perfectly
- Absolutely incredible soundtrack
- Gorgeous graphics
- One of the finest platformers I'e ever played

Cons
- Stages can be a bit easy and short, while the final fortress is a massive jump in challenge
- Story is sort of non-existant
- Sigma's fortress can be a bit unfair at times
- What the heck is a "Kuwanger?"

Mega Man's back, baby! 

The Long

I have a very embarrassing confession. Despite my oft-proclaimed love for the Mega Man series, I never actually played a single Mega Man X game until only a few months ago. While I'd blitzed through all the Mega Man NES games and even the GBA Zero series, for some reason I'd avoided the Mega Man X bunch. Maybe it's because the later games looked so...weird that I avoided the whole batch all together.

I am an absolute idiot for that. 

You should listen to this during the review.

Mega Man X is a rare game. One that, all these years later, even a newcomer such as myself can only stand back in awe and sort of bask in its glory. As far as platformers go, it's one of the finest I've ever played in my entire life. As a gaming experience, it's almost transcendental. 

But enough of my flowery soliloquies and blanket statements, let's explain why Mega Man X is downright phenomenal and the very best Capcom could have done to bring it's beloved series to the 16-bit era.

Dr. Light's dead, long live Dr. Light. 

The story for Mega Man X might be it's only real weakness. Capcom made a big deal about it when developing the game and promoting it back in the day, saying they were "rebooting" the franchise with a heavier emphasis on story. In a sense, sure, there's a little more story here than the regular Mega Man games (which tend to just have an intro movie and...that's it), but in reality it still is hardly anything substantial.

Mega Man X takes place several hundred years after Mega Man 6. Dr. Light has long since passed away, and Dr. Wily isn't even mentioned. Light's final and greatest creation, X, has been revived because a new baddie, Sigma, hasa awoken and created several robot mavericks (aka Robot Masters) to cause trouble. X and his new ally Zero have to stop Sigma by sucking up the powers of the mavericks, yada yada yada.

There is maybe one or two cutscenes that deal with the idea that Light wanted X to be a friendly robot with the freedom to choose a peaceful path (though if he really did that I don't know why Dr. Light put a freaking GUN ON HIS ARM), but it doesn't get any deeper than that. Minus a few in-game scenes there is little to no plot, and the story seems just tacked on. It's nice it's there, but in truth it adds a minimal amount. 

Luckily, Mega Man X don't need no story to rock!

The core gameplay of Mega Man X is extremely similar to the NES Mega Man games, and anyone familiar with them will be able to jump right in and feel right at home. X moves at a very similar clip as Rock did, all the way down to jumping, fire rate, and charge time. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. But Mega Man X does mix things up in two very crucial ways: wall jumping and dashing.

Wall jumping is something you unlock from the start, and it completely changes the way the game is played. Rather than simply jumping and shooting, X can traverse walls and do tricky jumps by clinging and sliding off walls (as well as jump off them). This allows more levels to have trickier jumps, having more vertical-based stages that rely on climbing, and completely changes strategies for end level bosses. Being able to leap up boss walls like a monkey adds a whole slew of new strategies. 

The second ability, dashing, is also a rather dramatic change. Unlike wall-jumping you unlock it in a stage (though everybody does that particular stage first because it's the easiest boss anyway), and it in turn allows for a bunch of new changes. Dashing increases distance of jumps, can be executed any time you are on the ground (it's a short burst, not a prolonged run), and is necessary for many tricky leaps of faith. The only downside is that, since you have to get it, no stages actually require it until you get to the final Sigma stages, which feels like a slightly wasted effort. 

Plus you ride a giant punching robot suit. AMAZING. 

The stages are also different from the original Mega Man. In Mega Man, each level was broken up between sets of screens, each providing a unique but brief challenge before it would pan to the next one. This was obviously a design choice and not a hardware limitation (or so I'd think; games like Mario 2 had massive scrolling worlds), but it made the series unique. Mega Man X chucks this for a more traditional style of level: a long, streaming world to explore and backtrack. It does feel a bit weird at first, but it still has the boss doors (and you can still jump through them) so it's forgivable.

The expanded real estate also allows for yet another great improvement: replaying stages with new powerups to find secrets. As you progress, the powerups you get from bosses (and find in the world) allow access to new areas you might have missed before. Mega Man on the NES (specifically 2) did this (use Crash Bombs to get secrets) but it didn't allow you to replay it, and that wasn't part of the core experience regardless. In Mega Man X, replaying stages is almost completely necessary, as there are a plethora of secrets to find. This would be tedious in any other game, but Mega Man X plays so smoothly and the controls are so incredibly responsive it's an absolute joy to replay levels. Plus, you're all powered up, so you can stomp everything with your new weapons. 

Burn, baby, burn. 

I'm going to take a second to gush about something that's hard to express in words, and that's how incredibly good this game feels to control. Again, that's really something you can't describe but have to experience, but when a game gets it right the experience becomes so much more enjoyable. Mega Man X is probably the best controlling game I've ever played, hands down. It's so incredibly responsive, I never felt like I died or failed on a jump because of the game's fault. Jumping and falling all feel exactly how they should, momentum from your dash perfectly translating into far jumps, and wall slides are easy to master and darn satisfying when you do a tricky leap from one tiny spot to another. It's a Super Meat Boy kind of feeling, except perhaps even more so. After just a few minutes of playing I knew I was gonna love this game based on feel alone.

He's just mad 'cause he looks like a purple Boba Fett. 

The formula here is a standard one: burn through the game, kill mavericks, get their powers to kill other mavericks, replay levels to get secrets, face the final fortress. If there's anything I can complain about it's that the stages themselves (for the mavericks) aren't nearly as difficult as the ones found in the NES Mega Man games (Mega Man 2 excluded), and seem to have a weird variance in length. Some are super short, while the underwater stage feels like it drags on and on. Overall, however, they feel a lot shorter, which makes sense since they were designed to be replayed.

All this changes when you get to Sigma's fortress, which completely beats the everloving crap out of you. If you don't know the secret to charged Armored Armadillo's power, you are going to get very frustrated. Extremely hard wall jumps, plethoras of respawning enemies, and long checkpoints make it genuinely stressful to beat. However, it never reaches a point where I felt it was unfair, just challenging. Plus, if you've spent the time to prepare and find all the secrets, you'll feel vindicated as you plow through it without having to worry too much. It's several stages up in difficulty when compared to the rest of the game, sure, but the fortress is a good finisher for those wanting an old-school Mega Man challenge. 

In the year 200X, Dr. Wily created eight...hey, wait!

Graphically, Mega Man X is beautiful. It pushes the SNES to its limits with excellently designed enemies, stunning environments, and awesome effects. It does stutter a bit with framerate drops on some stages (specifically when riding the mine carts), but when it matters the game is smooth and looks absolutely incredible.

The sound design is also phenomenal, with punchy sound effects that really make you feel like you are making an impact with your mega buster. But the show-stealer is easily the fantastic soundtrack. It's just straight up insane how good this soundtrack is, rivaling anything released on the NES (even the show-stopping Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 3's soundtracks). If I had any complaint it's that it is heavy on the midi-synth electric guitar (a sound I always felt the Genesis did better than the SNES), but that's really a very minor complaint for what is easily one of the best soundtracks on the system.

We're talking "Squaresoft" levels of music, here. 

As I said at the beginning, I can't believe I waited this long before finally picking up a cart of Mega Man X and giving it a spin. While it almost hurts me to say this, I really think it completely outshines the NES Mega Man games in nearly every aspect. While those games are still mind-blowingly incredible, Mega Man X is an evolution of that framework that does everything right. From the perfect controls, the satisfying levels, the gorgeous graphics and phenomenal music, Mega Man X is downright masterful. 

This is easily one of the finest platformers ever made, perhaps even the best. I'll be honest: writing this review right now I'm having difficulty thinking of one I would consider better. So, considering you can get this game at a decent price of around $20 for an SNES cart, or at the absolutely absurd price of $10 on the Wii's Virtual Console, if you are any fan of the 2D platforming genre you need to get this game.

It'll mega bust(er) its way into your heart. Yeah...I don't know what that means either.

Five out of five stars. 

"HADOKEN!"

Blades of Steel

The Short


Pros
- Fast paced, intuitive hockey game
- Actual voice clips and grunts! TECHNOLOGY.
- Different teams with different stats
- Had a built in system for fights. Yes. Really.
- Excellent arcade hockey action throughout
- Best in-game ads in history
- An absolute blast two-player

Cons
- No customization options for length of games, etc.
- Lacked Ice Hockey's ability to alter your character stats to customize your game

"Blades of Steel!"
Oh...it says it right there. Um...imagine it being read in a really tinny NES voice. Ok? Thanks. 

The Long

Ah, sports games on the NES. You can be such a mixed bag; either awesome or total mediocre crapola. Nintendo released their own Ice Hockey game a while before Blades of Steel came out and it was a'ight, but Blades of Steel I will always consider to be the absolute best ice hockey game on the system. Actually, scratch that, the best ice hockey game ever. Yeah. Even better than NHL '09 or whatever the good year for those games was. You can tell I really play a lot of modern sports games.

Anyway, Blades of Steel kicks ice, and this is why.

Wait, is that "kicks ice" joke from Batman and Robin? Oh geez...I'm so sorry. 

At it's core, Blades of Steel is a pretty elementary hockey game. Like Kings of the Beach it doesn't overly complex itself with controls or whatever (I mean, come on: they only really had two buttons to work with anyway, this WAS the NES). You have a button to shoot and a button to pass, though you have to sort of point it in the right direction when passing or you might pass it to the other team. Your goal is...wait, I'm not going to explain freaking hockey. I already felt stupid when I explained football in that other review and didn't bother deleting it because editing is for tools. 

The game automatically switches you to whatever player has the puck (if you are on offense), and if you are defense it tries to pick the best player for you to...defend with. You also always have full control of the goalie, so if somebody scores it's totally your own fault. It does try to soften the blow by putting a moving arrow going up and down the goal posts, so when somebody shoots you at least have a general idea where it will go, though blocking shots can still be a bit tricky. 

See the arrow? It's...um...yeah, you see it. 

Where Blades of Steel excels is in two key points. First: it just feels good to play. It's hard to describe controls or the feel of a game without actually, you know, playing it, but trust me: Blades of Steel has absolutely excellent controls. Players feel like they have actual weight, and when you ram them into each other to try and steal the puck the sound effects of hockey suits slamming into each other sounds accurate...or as good as it's going to get on the NES. Unlike Ice Hockey, it's easy to know exactly which player you are in control of, so you always feel in control. Your team is also reasonably helpful but not too interfering (a problem 10-Yard-Fight had...and Baseball now that I think about it: the game gave too much control to itself rather than you). It's fast, furious, and extremely easy to pick up and play. Two-players, this game feels great.

Get ready to rumble. 

The second is the little details that make Blades of Steel memorable. Like Kings of the Beach (which was also published by Konami...I mean Ultra...who am I kidding we all know they are the same company), Blades of Steel is loaded with small nifty details. Fouls allowing for penalty shots. Your team cheering when you score while the opposing goalie freaks out. The ref stopping you when plays get too heated.

Oh, and of course, the fights.

HEAVEN OR HELL, LET'S...ok, yeah, that's a lame joke. 

This is actually what most people probably remember from Blades of Steel. Get in front of an opponent who has the puck, and the gloves come off and the game has an honest-to-god fighting minigame in it. It's nothing too complex (block until your enemy throws a punch, then counter and you'll win every time), but the most hilarious part is whomever gets knocked out goes to the penalty box, not the dude who did the knocking. Seriously? That's fantastic. And the other team will be out a player for a minute or so. So great. I wonder if you could punch their whole team into the penalty box? I should try that sometime.

The only downer is the lack of customization. You can't pick the lengths of each match, meaning you are in for the long haul every time. And while teams do have unique stats, you can't really ever see those stats or tweak them. At least Ice Hockey let me make a team of fatties if I wanted (and I do. EVERY TIME).

GOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!

Graphically the game looks great, ditching the cartoony look of Ice Hockey for a more realistic approach, and it looks nice. Though I do miss the Zambonis that ice the rink between stages from that other hockey game I've mentioned far too much in this review. The crowd cheers at appropriate times, and this game has some awesome in-game ads during breaks. Seriously, Konami put ads for their other games during the down times. "All your friends will love it!" So incredible.

Sounds are also great, using a lot of voice work, though I got pretty tired of hearing the ref shout "FACE OFF!" in his awful tinny NES voice. Still, everything sounds quite good, especially for an NES title.

You're going the wrong way, goalie dude. 

There's been an ages-long debate between pretty much nobody whether Ice Hockey or Blades of Steel is the best hockey game on the NES. While I like Ice Hockey well enough (my wife hates it, though), I just enjoy the feel of Blades of Steel much better. While the lack of customization is a bit of a downer, the game just plays so damn good that I can't help but prefer it. If you are looking for fast paced hockey action, I absolutely give Blades of Steel my baby seal of approval.

Oh, and yes: two players is the way to play this game. Grab friends, make friends, have imaginary friends; whatever. Just get people over and play this game. Plus, it's on the Wii for only 500 Wii Points ($5), so you have no excuse at all to not get it (though this is a rare instance where I found the NES cart was cheaper than the Virtual Console release).

Five out of five stars. 

And now a video that is only sort of relevant.