Earthworm Jim 2

The Short


Pros
- More zany, weird platforming from the guys at Shiny
- Did I say "platforming?" Add on isometric shooting, floating, and catching puppies
- Humor is back and better (and weirder) than ever
- The "snot grapple" adds some new platforming bits to the game

Cons
- Platforming controls as Jim can still be a little floaty
- Jim's idle animation looks...odd
- Some levels feel a bit unfair
- SNES version looks considerably worse than the Genesis version

Pig Slides. I think we're onto something here. 

The Long

As much as I love the first Earthworm Jim, I can't help but feel it was Shiny cutting their teeth on the whole "platforming" business. See, while Earthworm Jim was a good action-platformer that was essentially saved by its silly humor, Earthworm Jim 2 is where Shiny just went completely insane. While I guess I could still label it as a "platforming," Earthworm Jim 2 jumps genres and playstyles so frequently it's hard for me to really nail that down. 

But let's just get into it all, shall we?

It has an isometric shooting stage. 

Earthworm Jim 2 starts out normal enough...as normal as an Earthworm Jim game is, anyway. A "regular" platforming level where you blast your way through enemies, carry pigs and push them down slides, use pigs as weights to solve puzzles, and use snot to climb across the ceilings. You know, usual platforming stuff. 

Then you get to the first boss, who is a fish in a tank. Riveting. 

Hold on to your butts!

The next level begins to show the clever adjustments that Shiny has implemented in the game. Now you are in an ant farm, and you have to shoot dirt down from the ceiling to make ledges and passagesways to get out. It isn't a particularly difficult level, but after a "regular" level it's a bit weird.

Then you are bouncing purple puppies on a giant marshmallow to try and get them to a doghouse unharmed. Man, this game just got weird. 

I'm not kidding. Giant marshmallow. 

Things only get crazier from here. The next level Jim in inexplicably a blind cave salamander who can float/fly, and the stage is a mix between vertical platforming where you have to dodge the walls, a pinball machine, and a quiz show. Next to that is an isometric shooting stage where you have to push a bomb to the end of the level, and in the next you have to carry a cow through a difficult platforming stage. Next is a level where Jim blew his head up and is again another vertical segment, followed normal level where you fight through paperwork, and then Level "Ate," which is exactly what you think.

Pictured: Puns. 

For the ninth and final level you are running from a boss set to the third movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, and then you get the suitably weird ending. Seriously...that's, what, three normal levels? Four? Earthworm Jim 2 just keeps mixing things up when you least expect it. While the first was pretty much a straight platformer, Earthworm Jim 2 is far from it.

And I love the game because of it.

I wasn't kidding about the salamander thing, either. 

The random mix-ups in gameplay keep the game interesting and fresh, especially for a first-time player. Unlike Earthworm Jim, where the platforming suffered because of the floaty controls, since you are constantly switching gears the somewhat imprecise controls on each game type are more forgivable. I will admit the isometric shooting stage was by far the most aggravating (having to push a stupid bomb forward while dodging enemies is extremely obnoxious), but there are enough tricks that eventually you'll get it. While the game is completely disjointed by its schizophrenic, ADHD approach to game design, it somehow manages to work. And because of that it's a vastly superior game than its predecessor. 

Just floatin' along. 

Graphically, Earthworm Jim 2 looks just as good at its predecessor, complete with the absolutely incredible animations. The varying stages allow for different art styles and a bizarre mix of real images with the cartoony graphics which, like the game design, somehow meshes together well despite itself. The backgrounds look especially good, with some fantastic vistas that are gorgeous to look at.

Sounds design is also stellar, with all the incredibly weird sound effects fitting in with the insane visuals and gameplay. Voice clips are crisp (or crisper than other games at the time, at least) and add to the oddball presentation. 

And there are cows between each level. Why not. 

There really isn't any other game like Earthworm Jim 2, not even Earthworm Jim. Combining elements from tons of genres and then adding their own touch of weirdness to the mix, Shiny has created something wholly unique. While Earthworm Jim certainly did its own thing, it's Earthworm Jim 2 that I feel the series really found its identity. It's too bad it never really went anywhere after that (Earthworm Jim 3D is...yeah). 

This game is available on the Virtual Console and is absolutely worth picking up. Here's hoping that we'll see a true 2D followup to Earthworm Jim sometime in the near future. If there's any series I'd like to see revived, it would be this one.

Four out of five stars. 

A touching ending to our hero's tale. 

Columns

The Short


Pros
- Addicting, somewhat unique puzzle game (if it is a bit like Tetris 2)
- Graphics/gems look ok
- Fun two-player game set up in a style that reminds me of Klax
- Can get quite difficult

Cons
- Music is so, so boring
- Game itself is also a bit boring and can get old pretty quick
- Speed picks up much too fast to make the game enjoyable
- Ancient Greece/Roman theme is meant to compliment Tetris' Russian theme, but doesn't pull it off

A puzzle game using jewels! How novel! 

The Long

It's fairly obvious where Sega was coming from with Columns. After seeing Tetris become a massive franchise for Nintendo, obviously they wanted something of their own to compete. Thus, Columns is born, spanning all Sega systems and even getting an arcade release. With its Greek/Roman theme, "drop stuff from the top of the screen" style and 16-bit graphics, was it able to overtake Tetris?

Well, you tell me. Are they re-releasing Columnes on every device known to man for inflated prices, or is that Tetris? This isn't a hard question.

Time to bust up some gems. 

The concept of Columns actually reminds me a lot of Klax, which I love (and Bejeweled, now that I think about it. And Pokemon Puzzle League. Huh.). The general goal is to get three of the same color of gem in a row to eliminate it. This can be done horizontally, vertically, or diagonally. The trick is that once gems are placed you pretty much are stuck with them; no swapping once they are down. Every titular "column" that drops down has three colors which can be shifted but never actually flipped. It's a simple concept, perhaps deceptively so.

In truth, Columns can be hard to wrap your brain around after playing any of the aforementioned puzzle games. It quickly becomes a war of attrition, you against your bad moves, and unlike Tetris you really don't have an easy way out should you make a mistake. The game is relentless, where even one minor screw-up could ruin a whole chunk of rows for good. 

Like most old cartridge games, Columns doesn't save your high scores. Which sucks. 

The game also seems to reach insane drop speeds much quicker than other games of the genre. Right when you think you've finally figured the game out and can stop sucking, the pieces go from being on the moon to being on the surface of Jupiter, slamming down into the ground with insane speed. It's aggravating, but I will admit there's some weird appeal to starting on the hardest level and just seeing how long I can survive.

The game isn't completely merciless, though. Randomly it'll drop a multi-colored awesome block, and whichever color it touches will be completely deleted. This can really save your skin, but I didn't really find any rhyme or reason as to when this lifesaving piece drops, so I guess it's just crossing your fingers and hoping.

Magic jewel, save me!

Perhaps the biggest factor in why this game didn't outshine Tetris (because despite my gripes, Columns has a relatively solid puzzle foundation) is the awful presentation. The game just looks incredibly boring. Gems are easy to differentiate, sure, but the backgrounds are ugly and nothing looks particularly good. Tetris on the NES also was bland, sure, but the lack of an attempt at an art style worked in its favor. Columns tried to do something with its Greek theme and failed, resulting in an ugly looking game.

As a bonus, both the sound effects and music are really bad. Especially the music. While I'll admit the weirdly reverbed "CRASH!" every time you drop a piece is somewhat amusing, the background tune that plays is obnoxious and uninteresting. It's not the assault on your eardrums that is Loopz, but it comes close.

Thanks, Columns, I would have never figured that out on my own. 

Ultimately, while I think there's some fun to be had with Columns (when playing with my wife we both got quite competitive trying to get high scores, which was pretty intense) it's usually short lived and in very short bursts. It doesn't latch its hooks into you like most of the other puzzle classics, and after a few games you'll be tired of it. It's hardly an awful puzzle game, but it is a good example of how mediocre presentation can take a game down.

Since you can grab it in the Sega 6-Pak cart for the Genesis, that would probably be your best option for getting the game (or in one of the many collection discs). Though, again, you'll probably not spend that much time with it. 

Two out of five stars. 

But hey, it has two title screens, so there's that. 

Klax

The Short


Pros
- Fun, unique arcade puzzle game involving stacking three-in-a-row blocks of the same color
- Lots of scenarios and switching objectives keep each level fresh
- Tight controls and two-player support make it very addicting

Cons
- Colors (especially on the NES version) can be difficult to tell apart
- The NES version is also hideous compared to other (Genesis, SNES) ports
- Game can get really hard really quickly
- Never got a modern re-release
- Music is pretty mediocre

Pokemon! Wait...

The Long

I love Klax. Unlike Loopz, where my nostalgia betrayed me, Klax is a solid action-puzzler that is arcade-fast and is still a load of fun to play. I originally played this at the same nickelcade that I burned so much time in Donkey Kong Jr. at, while this one I spent playing with my wife. The arcade unit for Klax had weird discoloration that made it almost impossible to play, but I still persevered because I liked the game so much. When I heard they ported the game to NES and Genesis, I had to give it a shot. After playing Klax on both systems, I'm ready to give an accessible (and a system comparison)

This is the arcade version of Klax. 

The overarching goal of Klax is simple: make three (or more) of the same color in a row. This can be done vertically, horizontally, or diagonally, with the latter two netting more points. Pieces of various colors always roll down from the top, and if you allow too many pieces to fall without catching them (five in the arcade, three on home consoles) you'll lose a life and have to restart the stage. 

The trick is, of course, that you can catch multiple tiles (up to four). You always have to flip off the last one you caught, meaning you can get overwhelmed if you don't plan ahead. You can also toss tiles back up the conveyor belt if things get too hectic on your catchy-thing, but they'll just roll back down in a few seconds so you have to act fast. 

Here's the Genesis version. Pretty faithful, yes?  The SNES version  is almost completely identical.

What makes Klax unique is it has stages with varying objectives. Some are simple point attack modes. Others require you to make a set number of diagonals. Other ask you to survive a certain number of tiles rolling out (basically a time trial), and so on. These varying objectives give a solid sense of progression, and also make it so the relatively simple concept doesn't get monotonous (again, look at Loopz for a bad example of this). 

Colors are added the further along you play, the game getting quite difficult after a while. However, the "learning curve" is near perfect if you start from the beginning, and the addicting quality of just "one more try" on a stage is extremely prevalent here. Because the concept is so simple, you just can't stop.

The addition of side-by-side multiplayer (where you just go through the same stages independently) is a nice touch, and since you aren't competing you both basically just go until your skill fails you and you run out of continues. 

And the NES version which...isn't quite as good looking. 

So, if you don't have this game in the arcade, which version should you grab? Personally, I've found the SNES and Genesis versions to be the most faithful home ports. They graphically look very similar, the colors are vibrant and the Klax are large and easy to identify. 

The NES port still works fine, but keep in mind the graphics are substantially downgraded. The Klax are also thicker for some reason (something with screen real estate) which doesn't seem like that big of a deal but kind of messes with my brain. It's still totally playable (and fun!) but if you have a Genesis or SNES, grab those versions instead. 

An issue across all three versions (except the arcade) is tile color confusion. It's by far the worst in the NES, with the small tiles and limited color pallet making it hard to discern them as they fall down the belt. The Genesis and SNES fare a bit better, but when you have the full array of colors dropping down it can be a bit difficult to discern similar shades. You'll get used to it after playing through it enough, but it can provide some initial frustrations.

Port this sucker to everything, guys!

It's a pity Klax has never seen a modern re-release, as the game remains one of my favorite puzzlers to date. With addicting yet simple gameplay, actual objectives (in a puzzle game! Gasp!) and a great aesthetic, sound, and music, Klax is certainly worth picking up if you own any retro home consoles. It plays even better with a friend, racing to beat objectives and high scores, and with most versions you can set the number of credits you have as well as run a sound-test mode (I love it when games include this) and everything.

It is no longer the nineties, but it is still time for Klax. Four out of five stars.

Just don't try and do that hand thing unless you have a double-jointed thumb. 

Sunset Riders

The Short


Pros


- Fast paced arcade shooting action across eight stages
- Colorful, comical graphics that carry over nicely into the SNES version
- Four players in arcade, two on the SNES make this a blast co-op
- SNES has a difficulty scale and up to 25 lives that makes it much more tolerable when you die
- Fun mix between on foot vs horseback stages

Cons
- Genesis version is garbage
- Having 25 lives is nice, but why not unlimited lives, SNES?
- Was supposed to come to Xbox's Game Room as the arcade version with four player support, but never showed up. Come on, re-release this game already!
- Some of the final bosses/stages can get pretty ridiculous with the number of bullets on the screen
- Bosses are borderline racist, but I guess it fits the western genre

Time for an arcade classic. 

The Long

Sunset Riders comes with a story. Way back when I was a Boy Scout, my brother and I would frequently go with our troop to a favorite campout by a hot springs. In the area leading into the hotsprings itself, they had a few arcade games (a trackball bowling game and a copy of Gradius III, if I remember correctly) but the standout was the bright and colorful, four-player Sunset Riders. Despite begging my father every time we went for quarters, I'm pretty sure we only played the game maybe four times over the multiple visits to this particular campout, and while other arcade machines came and went the Sunset Riders machine persevered.

Then we found out it had been ported to the SNES so all our troubles were over. So the point is that for this review I'll be writing as someone who played a ton of the SNES port, a decent amount of the arcade game, and as much of the Genesis version I could tolerate before quitting (read: the first stage).

I want these to be my final words, too.

Sunset Riders is an arcade shooter with a western theme. It's pretty basic: run from left to right while blasting everything in sight and not getting shot yourself. Your bullets are fast and explosive while all the enemies are stuck in the Matrix and shoot obscenely slow-moving projectiles. They'll also come at you with dynamite, burning lanterns, and other nasties later on, but for the most part you'll be gunning down hapless, woefully underequipped cowboys.

What sets this game apart is its colorful visuals, hilarious scenarios and bosses, and sense of style. For example, most levels have two planes of fighting (upper and lower), but whenever you jump to the higher balcony your guy doesn't just jump, he does this badass flip thing that sends his hair flying (if you are playing Bob, who is the best character because his horse is pink and has green hair). Your character always has a classy smirk on his face while he's making mad cash gunning down everybody, and the death animations are goofy and earn a smile. One downside of the SNES version is they got rid of a lot of these animations (flattening, burning, etc.) and replaced it with the enemy just falling over to the generic "Aaugh!" sound that you'll get sick of very quickly. But listen: there's a part where you run on the backs of cows during a stampede. And this is the first level. How awesome is that?!

The arcade version also had an awesome opening movie, that didn't make it to the SNES version

There are four characters, though really only two playstyles. You can play as either a cowboy with revolvers who shoots in a wider arch but with less projectiles, or a character with shotguns who shoots tons of bullets directly ahead but without the wide spread. There are two forms of powerups as well: double guns (which doubles the bullets) and a "gold badge," which basically just acts as if you had a turbo button on your controller. Death makes you lose these powerups, which sucks, but on the on-foot levels they are plentiful so long as you share with your co-op buddy.

Speaking of co-op, that's where this game shines. The arcade version had up to four players at once, which is absolutely awesome, while the SNES only supported two. That being said, while the game is loads of arcade-blasting fun single player, it's in multiplayer that it really shines. While you do have to share the powerups, the game is considerably easier with two players if only because there are so many projectiles being fired, and working together to take out the bosses and their henchmen is easier and funner with a friend. It also has the benefit of the SNES version of letting you continue exactly where you left off, where if you lose all your lives in single player and continue you have to start the whole stage over, which sucks.

This game's presentation of Native American's isn't exactly PC, but whatever...

The great part about the SNES game is that it's an almost exact port from the arcade, with a few exceptions. Aside from only supporting two instead of four players, the graphics are a little more pixelated but still look fine (except the dynamite explosions, which look absolutely horrible with massive pixels on the SNES). All the stages are ported over exactly the same and with all the bosses from the arcades, and the addition of a difficulty scale is appreciated.

One really annoying change, however, is the removal of the "questionable" content. Often in the game you can go into bars and taverns to get powerups, resulting in a fun scene. My favorite is the first bar, where your cowboy takes a long drink of whiskey and then breaks the bottle over his head (or hat). In the SNES version this was apparently bad, so your guy just runs in, and then runs out pumping his arms in the air. Ok?

The other thing they changed was the women. In other taverns you'd go in then pop out with a bar wench (as is standard for Westerns) wrapped around you. She'd give you a kiss and a powerup and off you'd go. Apparently this was too "edgy" for the SNES, so they replaced the "immodestly" dressed barmaids with what could only be described as good puritan women, who show less skin than a nun. That's not how westerns work!

The last addition is the grenade-throwers in the arcade were women (the only women enemies in the game) but they have been replaced by red-headed guys (racism!). I guess shooting the women is out, too.

But saving them is ok. 

I'll give a brief blurb for the Genesis game: rather than actually port the arcade version, the Genesis game was essentially remade for the system. It only has two of the four cowboys, the stages are completely different (the first one doesn't even have a boss), the music sounds way worse, it has half the number of stages, and looks...pretty awful. I know a lot of people prefer it because it was the one they played growing up, but I can't fathom how you'd look back now after playing both versions and not see how incredibly inferior it was. However, I suppose I have to admit that they probably shouldn't be compared too heavily since the Genesis version is so completely different from the Arcade and SNES versions, but I didn't enjoy the time I spent with it so I'd suggest skipping that version.

But it did keep the hookers. Genesis does what Nintendon't. 

Sunset Riders (Arcade and SNES versions) is awesome. It's one of my favorite arcade games, and the excellent SNES port makes it easy to play it at home. There is only one big issue: this game has never been re-released past that. Despite being promised in Xbox's now-defunct "Game Room" program, it never saw the light of day. So currently the only way to play the original Sunset Riders is either finding it in an arcade somewhere or grabbing the SNES cart. It's a relatively rare SNES game, so it'll run you around $40-55 over eBay (I was lucky enough to find a cart at a local game store for only $30) but I'd say it's worth the cost. If you have a friend who loves arcade shooters and want to have a great time blasting cowboys and running atop a stampede, you could do a lot worse than Sunset Riders.

Four out of five stars. (SNES version. Genesis version would get two out of five stars)

RUN, YOU FOOL, RUN!

Marble Madness

The Short


Pros
- Crazy isometric marble rolling madness
- Play one or two player and race to the end of tricky stages
- Controls are smooth and work well to drive your marble over tricky platforms
- Music is...pretty good

Cons
- Difficulty jumps up pretty quick
- Only six stages
- Some jumps/falls don't seem far but still result in instant deaths
- Wonky physics at time

Pictured: MADNESS!

The Long

Marble Madness was originally a short mega-hit arcade game. By "short" I mean it only was on top of the world a few weeks before it was forgotten (which the creators attributed to its low number of stages). But it was popular enough to get ports on both the NES and Genesis/MegaDrive (I've only played the NES version, but the games are identical) so that fans could play through the identical six stages in the comfort of their own homes.

Despite my cynical start to this review, I actually really love Marble Madness. Despite being short, a bit easy, and with a few minor issues it is still a fun time diversion even to this day, and is a must for any NES collector to grab for their system.

I don't know if I can handle all this madness. 

The game is extremely simple in concept. Your goal is to guide the marble down a long hill of slopes (with the exception of stage five, where you go up) while avoiding obstacles and dealing with tricky ledges and platforms. You don't have lives, but instead have a constant timer. Time carries over between stages (with a few seconds added between each stage) so if you do really well on the first stages you'll have more time on the trickier ones. It's a neat trick but also means there are no continues, so if you screw up hard on one stage you are starting the whole game over. Good thing it's short.

Every day I'm MADNESSing. 

That's actually the whole game: direct the marble and don't let it fall, get eaten, etc. Luckily, despite the limited number of stages, each (aside from maybe the first two) offers a unique experience and keeps on adding stuff to ramp up the difficulty. You'll go from smooth sailing to jumping worms that eat the marble, pools of acid that melt it, vacuums that suck it up, and moving floor pieces. The final three stages are extremely tricky (dare I say maddening?!) so it'll probably take a few tries before you figure out exactly how to best beat them. Most of the later stages also have split paths, allowing for an alternate route. It's a nice touch that makes replays a little different, though I wish there were more of them.

I'm blue, da bo de da bo MADNESS.

Another fun feature is two-player "competitive," which results in the crappier player getting frustrated. Since it doesn't split screen it'll follow the marble that is farthest ahead, and if you ditch your buddy they get re-deposited near you with a hefty time penalty. It's fun and makes enemies out of friends like all good competitive co-op games should, though the game is much easier playing by ones-self.

Milton Bradley made this game? Like the toy company? MADNESS. 

The only real complaint I have for Marble Madness is the one original arcade players had: it's too short. With only six stages (and half of them being cakewalks) it's pretty easy to brute force your way through the game in an afternoon, and once you've beaten it there isn't much to go back for. Still, despite having crushed this game long ago I still boot it up from time to time and try to see how far I can get on a single playthrough. It's a fun, quirky puzzle/platformer/skill-based/something game, and still provides a good deal of fun today despite its setbacks.

And they were apparently going to make a sequel that never happened, which sucks. It's never too late! Gritty Marble Madness reboot: "The Marble Madness," on next-gen! Make it happen!

Either way, considering you can grab the NES copy for around $3-$5, I'd say pick it up. Whether you have nostalgia for it or not, it's still a blast to play. 

Four out of five stars. 

Protip: The lower path is easier. Also, MADNESS.