Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

The Short


Pros
- Absolutely gorgeous graphics
- The music, while not the usual Castlevania fare, is still fantastic
- Finally a 3D Castlevania game that isn't utter garbage
- Patrick Stewart narrates and voices a character in the game
- Some of the bosses, the Butcher and Grave Digger especially, are fantastic
- Did I mention this game looks good? It looks really good
- Enemies are difficult even from the beginning and require skill and tactics to defeat
- When you are fully equipped with all the moves, combat is exceptionally complex and fun
- Controls are ganked from God of War, which isn't a bad thing


Cons
- Game is a six hour game stretched out over twenty hours
- The story, like the gameplay, feels artificially lengthened
- Patrick Stewart's narrations during load times are well voiced, but the script might be the most melodramatic thing I've ever seen
- The combat takes far too long to get good
- Bosses aped from Shadow of the Colossus are such obvious ripoffs the creators should be ashamed
- Has almost nothing in common with previous Castlevania games
- The Dark/Light magic, while a cool idea in theory, is executed so poorly it seems like an afterthought
- The fixed camera angles make combat and most jumps a massive pain
- Almost all the platforming/jumping/swinging feels clunky and poorly implemented
- Puzzles are so easy and stupid you wonder why they even bothered
- While enemies are fun to combat, there isn't much variety overall
- Quick time finishers are bland and use an odd method of indicating when to hit

Time to steak some vampires

The Long

"The Long" indeed. Let's get this over with right off the bat: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is way the hell too long. While I'm all for great value in games I buy, Castlevania is very much a six hour game that has had the unfortunate displeasure of being put on a rack and stretched out to last 20-30 hours. Over dozens of subchapters and stages, Castlevania: LoS simply drags on, making the last 1/3 of the game monotonous, tedious, and just not fun. There is too much of a good (or in Castlevania: LoS's case, "decent") thing, and this game is a prime example of that. The bad pacing kills this game for me. 

Ok, now that I've got that off my chest, let's get to it.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow didn't start it's life as a Castlevania game (just like how Silent Hill 4: The Room didn't start out as a Silent Hill game. This must just be something Konami does). It was originally just a gothic action game, with Hideo Kojima, famed creator of the Metal Gear Solid series, somehow involved (I still don't know what that involvement was. Maybe it's the long, melodramatic story). Early screens made this game look like everything I ever wanted in a 3D Castlevania game: essentially God of War but set in a gothic, vampire-hunting world. It was action packed, it was violent, it had a whip...it was Castlevania, right? That pretty much is Castlevania, eh?

Um. Sure. But Castlevania: LoS is not a Castlevania game. It's like...a "Western" Castlevania game. Only mediocre.

But holy crap, if this isn't one of the most beautiful games I've ever played

So a good thing first: this game is freaking gorgeous. I'm sure some of you just breeze through the screenshots heading for the final score so...whatever, but at least then you'll see how incredible this game looks. I have literally no idea how they made this game look so incredible on this generation of hardware, and on my Xbox360 no less. Everything is meticulously detailed, from the characters to the enemies to the absolutely stunning vistas the game presents you with, and it is all paired with some great sound effects and voice acting. So, if you bought a new HDTV and really want something to show off to your friends, you can't go wrong with Castlevania: LoS. 

I'm going to just post more screenshots because it looks so fine. 

So beyond it's extremely pretty exterior, what's going on in Castlevania: LoS? What makes it tick? Well, it's essentially a God of War clone, first and foremost, complete with a lack of camera control in leu of using the right stick for a dodge-roll, light/heavy attack combos, grabs, and quick-time event finishers. Which isn't a bad thing; God of War was a pretty dang good game, and I'm fine with other studios stealing its technique if they do it well. Which Castlevania: LoS does...but not at first.

The game starts out really weak, with limited combos and a combat system that is little more than button mashing and praying you don't get hit. Probably the biggest problem with the game is enemy stagger: there isn't any. You can bash enemies all over the place and they'll just shrug it off and keep coming for you. Gabriel Belmont (aka you), on the other hand, will lose his combo if he so much as gets tapped by an enemy, and with a relatively small health bar this can get obnoxious really fast.

The game has a lot of really awesome, scary setpieces, it's just too bad they are all padded by hours of boring, repetitive levels

This problem is slowly fixed over the course of the game, where you learn more advanced moves that help you tackle even the hardest of enemies. Which made me wonder: why didn't they give you more combos at the beginning, and then just have less for you to buy? You'd still get to buy stuff, but the game would be more fun. The reason, of course, is then there wouldn't be enough stuff to unlock over the 20-30 hour game time. Which means you probably should have just cut the game down to 6-10 hours, started me better equipped, and made a more streamlined experience rather than a long, tedious, obnoxious one for the first 1/3 of the game!


*ahem*

This only annoys me because I see the potential for the fantastic here. The combat near the end strikes the perfect balance of difficulty and skill, and you feel like you finally have the tools necessary to meet these foes on equal ground. But through most of the game before it it just doesn't fell that way (unless you grind for XP). You always feel just a step underpowered, which makes even regular enemies (which never flinch, remember) seem like a massive, obnoxious chore. It isn't fun, and it isn't refined. It's just frustrating.

I'm digging that dude's beard

This same frustration continues on with the story that, like the combat, as all the trappings for greatness but somehow falls completely flat. Gabriel Belmont is a sad man: his wife is dead, and the only way he can bring her back to life is to kill the Lords of Shadow, a bunch of jerks that are...well, jerks. The plot actually sort of reminded me of Nier, where your main character slowly becomes more and more bloodthirsty. As a player you don't really notice (you are just always killing dudes), but when side characters point it out you realize exactly how far you've fallen. In Nier it's subtle, dark, and almost missable (in other words: perfectly executed). In Castlevania: Expository Dialogue R' Us, everybody makes sure to point it out frequently, both in game and during the narrations during the load screens.

And don't get me started on those...just...don't. They are voiced by Patrick Stewart, who is totally and unquestionably awesome, but the stuff they make him read is just...monotonous. It's melodramatic, expository, and bland. Seriously, I wonder if Patrick Stewart - who is a quality thespian, to be certain - would have to leave the soundbooth after a session to just go outside and laugh (or cry) at the sheer absurdity of the stuff he was reading. It's like the game really wants this to be an emotional, gripping tale, so it makes sure to constantly remind you how emotional and gripping it is during every single load screen. It's bloated, poorly crafted, and doesn't really pick up until the very end which - hey! - is just like the combat. Fancy that.

But this game looks so freaking good urrrrrggghhh

There's a bunch of other intricacies to the game that are worth mentioning. You get both light and dark magic to equip on your whip, which either heals you or deals more damage, respectively. It's a nice boost in battle, but it seems tacked on to both the narrative and the combat, so I felt kind of like a cheater when I completely crushed bosses using straight dark magic. Several of these bosses are really good (the Butcher boss was so excellent I actually reloaded the chapter immediately after beating him so I could replay it again), while others are chores to get through. I just wish they came more frequently; again, cutting down most of the filler (of which there is plenty of me lurching slowly through bogs, killing weak useless enemies, or doing awful platforming) would have fixed that a lot.

The platforming is horrible, all of it. The fixed camera angles, which are barely passable during certain fights, make gauging distances and whip-swings almost impossible. I can't even begin to describe how many times I died due to a mis-placed jump or button press, all of which I do believe was the game's fault. It would be fine, except (as I'm going to keep saying forever during this review) there is way too much of it, and it drags on to unbelievable lengths. Look at God of War. Most of it's climbing and swinging was automated, and it only happened very infrequently and during epic set-pieces. Castlevania: LoS just does it as filler for everything, making it both frustrating and overbearing.

Then you have these things.

Randomly interspersed in the game are massive titan bosses, which are literally the same as Colossus bosses from Shadow of the Colossus. You climb a big beastie, doing some basic platforming while holding a "grip" button. You climb to a weak point (while still trying to keep grip as it shakes you off) and stab it before moving on to the next one. Literally, Shadow of the Colossus. These are fun, I suppose, even if they aren't particularly unique. To be completely blunt they feel tacked on to a game that didn't need anything extra tacked on. But hey, at least they look incredible.

Smash stupid werewolf Jacob in the face. 

The music is also great, falling away from traditional Castlevania riffs of guitar and kickin' bass lines for more orchestral and vocal pieces. Castlevania is pretty famous for its music so this change might turn some purists off, but I thought it all sounded really good and actually got a copy of the soundtrack I liked it so much. So there you go.

This song is particularly excellent. 

Overall, even if you think of Castlevania: LoS as not a Castlevania game, it still has so many problems it is hard to simply turn a blind eye. The combat takes too long to get fun, the story is an overdramatized mess, and it seems to steal the best parts of other games without figuring out why these were the best parts.  The platforming is horrible, the fixed camera angle sucks, and the whole thing drags on and on. I really wanted to like Castlevania: LoS, and for a good while (between the 1/3 and 2/3 mark) I really did. It's just too stretched out for its own good; had they tightened up the experience and kept all the things that made it excellent (the advanced combat, the good bosses, the graphics, the music) this would have easily been a game comparable or even better than God of War, and certainly a worthy start to a new series. As it stands, the game is just too bloated for me to recommend, unless you have a great deal of patience. 

You can get the game for $15 new, which is actually a pretty fair price to be completely honest (it's certainly a price that would make it easier to look past its flaws). Were I to give it a star rating, it would be a toss up between two or three. But since I did have about six-eight hours of pleasure during the 30 hour experience, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt with a three out of five. Again, this game has so much potential, and everything to make an excellent experience is there, it just wears out its welcome so quickly I couldn't help but get frustrated with it.

Also, the game doesn't even have friggin' Dracula in it. So how the crap did they get away with calling it a Castlevania game? Urgh. 

But, if nothing else, this game can rest knowing I still think it's pretty on the outside. Really pretty. 

Persona 4

The Short

Pros
- Takes every complaint I had about Persona 3: FES and fixes it
- Tons of really fantastic voice acting throughout
- Has probably the most distinct, uniform art style of any game I've played
- Speaking of style, this game has it in buckets: music, graphics, character, etc.
- Same unique, deep turn-based combat as Persona 3: FES
- Tons more dungeons, and each has a unique and entertaining theme
- Every side character is extremely interesting and entertaining
- Music is much improved: still very Japanese, but far less irritating
- More personas, more fusion options, better explanations on what your fusions will make
- You can control your entire party, or choose to let them act independently
- Interesting detective story while you try to find the cause of supernatural murders in your town
- Actually gets a bit psychological with regards to accepting your "shadow," or "repressed" side in the main story
- Tons of little side stories that happen during the main one
- Includes a disc with the complete soundtrack
- Seriously, this game has some of the best characters in any video game, ever.

Cons
- The main RPG is still very grindy and basic
- Still only one battle song throughout. At least it's actually catchy and decent this time.
- Some of the general weirdness might turn the uninitiated off
- Kanji's story arc could come off to some as being homophobic
- The lack of "shooting your head to summon your persona" takes some of the edge out; attacking cards to do it is kind of lame
- Getting the "true" ending involves doing a lot of random, stupid things
- At it's core, nothing is really fundamentally different from Persona 3: FES

Here's a hint: it probably involves summoning giant demons from your mind. 

The Long

It's already been established that I loved Persona 3. I think the game is a fresh hybrid of genres that worked beautifully and did it all with class and style. Minus a few niggles I had with it (which I mentioned in my previous review), I thought Persona 3 was close to being the best JRPG I'd ever played on the PS2, and was certainly up there with the best JRPGs ever.

Then I played Persona 4.

Persona 4 isn't just one of my favorite JRPGs ever, I really think it's one of the best games ever. While one could argue it doesn't stray too far from the path forged by Persona 3, Persona 4 takes everything its predecessor created and polishes it a perfect shine. Which, you'd be surprised to know, actually makes a world of a difference. 

This game just drips its fantastic, "TV World" style. 

The first major improvement is the story. Persona 3 was just interesting enough to keep the game moving, but as a whole the story felt uninspired and somewhat generic. How many "High Schoolers with powers save the world from utter oblivion" stories can we really handle? Persona 4 fixes this by zooming the camera in and decreasing the scope of the conflict. Instead of the world being endangered it's just the people in your town, specifically your friends. Narrowing down the scope in a game that is really about inter-personal relationships (with the Social Links system) makes it way more meaningful, and fits the gameplay mechanics much better.

You are a new student who just transferred to Inaba, a rural town in Japan. You live with your single-parent uncle and his daughter, the latter essentially being in charge of the house as your uncle is a detective and spends most of his time working. His job really gets cut out for him when, shortly after your arrival, a string of grisly murders begins to take place in Inaba. After some bizarre turn of events you find out that these murders are actually taking place inside a different world, one that is accessed by going into televisions. You and your classmates decide to take it upon yourselves to find the murderer, save his intended victims, and basically be kick-butt heroes. Oh, and you all have personas. That's to be expected. 

Let's play, "Guess the gender of this character based on the picture." If you guessed "girl," you are smarter than every character in this game. 

The story also has an interesting side-bit to it, where the reason people are endangered when they are essentially kidnapped into the TVs is that they encounter their "shadow-self." This is essentially one's repressed fears, doubts, and emotions that makes itself manifest, the dark side of you that you don't want to acknowledge. The dungeons in the game are based on these shadows (who also serve as the area bosses), meaning every dungeon is unique and different. Seeing characters' darker sides lets you learn more about them, especially if they are characters you already knew a lot about before. It's a clever mechanic that not only makes the story and gameplay more in tune with the characters, but also ties in well with all the Social Linking you'll be doing. 

Yes, social links are back, as is fusing personas, level grinding, and raising stats. There are more stats in this game to raise than in Persona 3 (five vs three), but they tend to go up faster and net dividends quicker. No characters are "locked out" from social linking from the get-go, though you will have to raise some stats in order to learn the deep, dark secrets of the more introverted characters. 

Just look at all those social links that need to be raised! 

I made mention that I thought the characters' stories in Persona 3 were the best parts of the game, and Persona 4 comes along and blows them all out of the water. While I still think there are certainly links in Persona 3 that are better than some in Persona 4, as a whole the side-stories in Persona 4 are completely outstanding, with no weak ones in the entire bunch. This is especially due to the fact that the story itself is more centered around your character and his family/classmates, meaning when you social link with, say, your uncle or his daughter you are getting some really heartbreaking moments (wonder where the mom is? You'll find out). This stuff is really good, and as an added bonus if you max out a Social Link with a party member, their persona will evolve into a better one which is awesome. Also, the girls don't get jealous anymore, so you can have as many girlfriends as you want now. Score. 

The one problem that I wish they'd fixed that wasn't is the same one I had in Persona 3: the individual stories don't really interact or affect each other, or the main plot. There were some parts where I felt I was fixing relationships (especially between my uncle and his daughter), but that was only on the uncle's tree. When I then moved up the daughter's tree, in her story arch they were having a fight. It didn't really make much sense chronologically (it makes sense if you regard each character's story as completely separate affairs), which seems like a wasted opportunity. Fix this in Persona 5, Atlas. 

All out attacks are back, and still look hilarious. 

There is substantially more voice acting to go around, as well. Almost all the main story and social-link events are fully voice acted (while in Persona 3 it was usually just the main story stuff), and the voice actors are all phenomenal. The translation is near-flawless, with a few corny bits but as a whole the dialogue is modern, fresh, and believable. As usual, Atlas' localization is head-and-shoulders above anybody else's, and it really serves as a means to pulling both the story and the characters together.

The gameplay is, for better or worse, exactly the same as Persona 3. I'm not going to bother going over all the details of fusing personas, social links, etc. in this review; if you want to know how it all works go hit up my Persona 3: FES review. Just know that with more dungeons, more personas, the ability to control your whole team manually (finally!), streamlined UI and a better menu system, Persona 4 is the best iteration of the Persona battle system yet. It fixed problems I didn't even know was there, all the while adding layers upon layers of new content. If it ain't broke don't fix it, but Atlas went the extra mile and perfected it instead. Really good stuff.

You can even go fishing, because it isn't a Japanese game if there isn't freaking fishing in it. 

The graphics follow a similar, anime-equie style as Persona 3, but as a whole they are cleaner, better textured, and better animated. They recycle quite a bit of the persona's assets, but they still look good so who cares? The UI, which was sort of a blue-white style in Persona 3, is now more yellow-black with orange. It looks sharper and more interesting, reflecting the fact that this game is significantly more lighthearted that Persona 3 was. No more head shooting (you just use cards now), no more super-emo main character, and most of your friends are more happy-go-lucky types rather than the downers that inhabited Persona 3. It makes for a funner, sweeter game, and the lighter graphical style reflects this. For a game released after the next-gen consoles had hit the market, Persona 4 still manages to look better than most modern games, proving that style doesn't age. I just really wish they'd put in progressive scan and widescreen support, though. That seemed like a pretty big oversight. 

The music has also seen a big improvement. It still fits the whole "Japanese high school" vibe the game has, but it's tracks are softer and less "in your face" than Persona 3. If you absolutely hated Japanese music, there was no way at all you would have made it through Persona 3. If you still hate it, you might actually survive Persona 4. The tunes are mellow, very catchy, and sort of fit more into "background music" when they need to, which is something Persona 3 was lacking. Also, the new battle song is way better, so much so I actually really enjoy listening to it. It's also happier, again reflecting what I said above. 

Much improved, Persona 4

If I have any real complaints, it's the fact that it still has a foundation centered around the worst mechanic in gaming: level grinding. Yes, you don't have to do nearly as much if you are a skilled player, and yes all the improvements make level grinding more tolerable, but it still doesn't change the fact that a good portion of the gameplay is running around random dungeons killing random enemies, leveling up your guys, and then doing it over and over again. It's a dated mechanic, one that was invented in the days of the NES in an attempt to get more time (aka "value") out of games that were really very simple. It's outdated now, Japan. I'm really, really tired of level grinding. And while I appreciate all the sugar-coating you slather on this medicine to help it go down easier, it doesn't change the fact that I don't want it. Luckily, if there's any company that knows how to innovate it's Atlas, so I'm crossing my fingers that Persona 5 will be a massive improvement. 

Travelling around town is also vastly improved...look, this game is awesome, ok? That's all there is to it. 

Persona 4 is one of the finest JRPGs ever made, and might be the best JRPG on the Playstation 2 (which is a lofty claim, I know). It's fun, addicting, stylish, clever, well-written, and smart. But most important of all (I can't believe I'm about to say this...) it really has heart. The story (and stories) in this game are fantastically realized, well-crafted, and genuinely thought-provoking. Every element in this game works, and when you put it all together you have something that is really, really phenomenal. I cannot recommend it enough.

Thanks to Atlas tax (and the fact they publish a limited number of almost all their games), this game goes for about $40 now, which includes the bonus soundtrack. I'm going to warn you: this price will only go up. A PSP re-release is coming soon, but if you want the PS2 version you you probably jump on that soon. I managed to get a copy off eBay that included the strategy guide about nine months ago for $35, meaning the price of this game is really heading up fast. So get this game. Hurry up. 

Edit: I lied this game is $26 on amazon RIGHT NOW. Off you go, then.

A very deserving five out of five. I'd go so far as to say that if you are a fan of JRPGs, and you own a PS2, you should drop what you are currently playing, buy this game, and play it instead. Seriously, it is that good. 

Or, if you have 100 hours to burn but not playing video games, Giant Bomb was kind enough to play through the entire thing, front to back, all on camera with commentary. You'll have to cycle back through their menus to get to it (they played Deadly Premonition and Chrono Trigger this way as well), but the commentators are hilarious and the game is fantastic, so if its easier to watch a movie rather than play a game, you can experience it that way as well. 

Oh balls. This guy must have read my Persona 3 review. 

The Legend of Dragoon

The Short


Pros
- Fun, complex combat system
- Ability to change between normal heroes and their "Dragoon" form
- Multiple battle songs that change throughout the game
- Lots of party members with unique combos and abilities
- Music is actually pretty good
- Really good looking CG cutscenes
- Decent in-game graphics for the PS1 era

Cons
- Story is absurd and idiotic
- While the game does have some voice acting, it is all terrible
- Load times, especially for battles, are atrocious
- Extremely linear
- Your best healer character is also the worst character
- Tries its hardest to be Final Fantasy, still falls flat
- Despite being made by Sony, has yet to see a re-release on the PS3's "PS1 Classics" downloadable service

Remind you of something? Also, this is emulator up-rezzed

The Long

The Legend of Dragoon was Sony's answer to Final Fantasy. There was no denying the force that Squaresoft had brought to the table with Final Fantasy VII, spawning not one but two generations of Sony consoles that heavily focused on the JRPG genre. Turn based, strategic RPGs had finally exploded in the West, and Sony wanted a piece of this spiky-haired pie. So it made The Legend of Dragoon, a four-disc, world-spanning adventure that more than slightly resembled its inspiration. 

The Legend of Dragoon follows the story of Dart (what is it with JRPGs and giving main characters stupid names?). When his "childhood friend" (who is a girl. Obviously) is kidnapped and his village ransacked (seriously, I'm not making this up) by evil soldiers, Dart runs after her. He finds out that he is the chosen one (if you were playing a "JRPG cliches" drinking game, you'd be hammered before beating the first disc) who can summon the power of the Dragoons, and essentially turn into big, bulky armored winged dudes that can use magic and kick butt. Of course, there's an evil empire that needs crushing, allies to be enlisted, and a massive adventure to undertake, so off you go, Dart!

Anime fairy girls with giant hammers to recruit. You know, the usual. 

The story is, for lack of a better word, stupid. Sure there are a few plot twists involving one of your characters being a traitor, and the final boss not really being the final boss, but I kid you not when I say all the key points are ripped, almost exactly, from Final Fantasy IV (spoilers incoming). Character in your party who may or not be on your side (Kane)? Check. Final boss who may or may not be under the control of somebody far worse (Goblez)? Check. Final boss is of some sort of relation to the main hero, meaning the power of family ties can eventually redeem his broken soul? Check. A bunch of people die only to be immediately replaced by new characters with the exact same stats and weapons? Check. Nobody dies permanently? Yep. This game read every single JRPG and anime cliche and stuck it in a blender with some Mario RPG and Final Fantasy and this is what came out. So if you play your JRPGs for the usual fare of "quality" melodrama mixed with brooding characters, predictable twists, and just generally poor writing...this game is for you.

The characters themselves also aren't much to write home about. As stated above, you do have two of them die or otherwise leave the party, only to be instantly replaced with somebody with the exact same stats. There's a character that is actually exactly the same as Edgar from Final Fantasy VI (complete with spear, sassy womanizing attitude, and the fact he's some king) which meant I had to keep him in my party the whole game because Edgar is awesome. But the point stays: The Legend of Dragoon's writing completely fails to impress. Oh, there is some voice acting (mostly in battle or CG cutscenes), and it's all awful and grating too. Props to Sony for trying (it took Square until the PS2 to put voices in), but it just all sounds bad. 

Yeah, but could Edgar turn into some giant, metal-winged dragon dude? I THINK NOT! Legend of Dragoon: 1.  Final Fantasy VI: 0. 

Despite the story being total garbage, the rest of the game is actually pretty decent, especially for fans of the genre. You have your traditional turn-based, three party RPG battles with plenty of enemies and loads of bosses. The game would have probably quickly become your regular grindfest had it not integrated a fun and unique battle system: timed attacks. Basically if you've played Super Mario RPG on the SNES, you'll know how this works. Press the attack button at the right time during a swing, and your character will execute a "follow up" hit. The Legend of Dragoon takes this and cranks it up to a billion. Each character starts with a usual "one button press" hit, which you can time with a handy square...thing (it works, ok?) during the attack. After you've executed a set number of hits perfectly (read: not messing up the square button pressing thing), you unlock more complex ones. Some of the ending ones are seriously 9-11 button presses, one right after the other, which results in some crazy moves and massive attack bonuses. Considering most RPGs are just the "mash X, watch stuff die" variety, adding this timing goes a long way in keeping the game fresh, and constantly giving you new combos means you are still being challenged even at the end of the game.

The downside to this is your main healer (a girl, obviously; what did you expect?) uses a bow, so she is the only character that doesn't get combos. Why? That means she's stupidly underpowered, but you can't justify taking her out of the party because you need her healing. I don't know why you'd gimp one character to completely, but...whatever. 

Pair the neat combat system the fact they all can turn into weird looking Dragoon dudes. After registering a certain number of hits (which gives you "Spirit Energy," another reason to use the harder combos) you unlock the ability to turn into a Dragoon. As a Dragoon you are stronger, can use some really wild magic (which costs your now-decreasing Spirit Energy), do more timing-based button attacks, or just generally...look cool. The magic is awesome but the cutscenes for each are really long (though not as bad as Final Fantasy VIII's summons, they do come close) so hopefully you like watching flashy PS1 effects. After your Spirit Energy runs out you are back to being boring, normal person again, and the cycle repeats. 

You have never seen a regular attack be this INTENSE

You then level, buy new weapons and items, get new party members, yada yada yada. It's standard fare from there on out, with the exception being the game is extremely linear. Think Final Fantasy X or XIII, with the game shuttling you from one dungeon to the next. The overworld is also very straightforward, with free-roaming nonexistant as you are moved from town to town. As an added bonus, if you want to go back to earlier parts their data is on earlier discs, meaning you get to disc swap up the butt if you ever want to backtrack. So don't backtrack. FORGE AHEAD, DRAGOON!

The music is surprisingly good throughout. Though it isn't Final Fantasy quality, it is generally catchy and well realized. It also uses a lot of CD quality (hur hur) instruments that make it sound better than the midi renditions of most of the PS1 era Final Fantasy games, so points to Legend of Dragoon for that.

What it really does on the music side that makes me happy is that each disc has its own "generic battle" song. Which, if you've read my other reviews, is a huge sigh of relief for me. My biggest beef with JRPGs (and what almost killed Persona 3: FES) is the fact that they use the same damn battle song throughout an entire 60 hour game. Come one! Just write a few more; how hard could it be? Legend of Dragoon mixes up the battle (and boss) songs across discs, which is awesome. So points to you again, Legend of Dragoon. You were ahead of your time.

You also had a pretty good boss song

While the CG cutscenes are really good looking, the in-game graphics are nothing to write home about. It's your usual super blurry, disproportioned polygonal anime characters with spiky hair you've seen a hundred times before. Unlike this era's RPGs, however (Legend of Dragoon came out around the middle/end of the PS1's life), things seem a bit more...blocky than they should. I know graphics mean next to nothing now since the PS1 is so old, but when compared to other games of its time Legend of Dragoon looked dated even when it was brand new.

Prepare to be Dragoon'd!

If the graphics are showing their age, it's the load times that are horrendous. I don't really mind waiting between areas or scenes, but when the battles take something like fifteen to thirty seconds to load, you know something's up. And they don't even try to mask it like Final Fantasy IX does by panning all around the battlefield or whatever. No, you have to watch the screen melt from top to bottom, slowly, and then you get the pan and are in the battle. It takes for freaking ever, and since this game is actually pretty hard (read: you'll need to grind out a few levels), you end up spending a good chunk of your game watching the screen melt. 

Just watch the beginning. See how long that takes? Urgh.

Legend of Dragoon was a game that I bought for $15 from Wal-Mart way back in the day, and then proceeded to beat the entire thing in three days straight by doing nothing else. It's an engaging experience, especially if you are a fan of this era of JRPGs, but as a whole it hasn't aged particularly gracefully. Lots of people hold a good deal of reverence for Legend of Dragoon, which is fine, but I honestly think when compared to both JRPGs before and after its release, Legend of Dragoon is found to be lacking in many areas. 

The game apparently is worth more now than what I paid for it: copies go for around $20-25 on eBay. I cannot recommend the game at this price, unless you have nostalgia for it. If the game does ever show up on PSN (which is weird that it hasn't, since Sony made it), I'd guess it would be priced around $5, which is fair but, again, this game hasn't aged particularly well. If you are dying for a PS1 era RPG and can get it for $10, it's probably worth it. If not, I'd say leave this one behind.

Though if they did make a sequel, I'd probably play it. Just saying, Sony.

For a star review, I'd give it two out of five stars. I'd probably have rated it four out of five back when I played it the first time, but I'm not reviewing how I thought of games then, I'm reviewing what I think of them now. And again: this game isn't awful (which is why it gets two instead of one or zero stars), it just hasn't really withstood the tests of time. 

At least we will always have Dart's spiky hair. And pre-rendered backdrops. 

Persona 3: FES

The Short


Pros
- Essentially a mix between an excellent turn-based JRPG, a high school dating sim, and Pokemon.
- Lots of interesting characters with deep and compelling backstories
- Tons of fun (and funny) events and activities
- As much a time management sim as an RPG
- Also has practically a "breeding" game with regards to merging Personas
- Extremely addicting, very easy to sink 100+ hours into
- Music has a very unique style and flavor to it (very Jpop)
- JRPG battles are difficult, complex, and incredibly strategic
- Anime cutscenes are extremely high quality
- Game has a distinct visual style that is stylish, modern, and fantastic
- Voice acting is superb throughout

Cons
- Level grinding can get ridiculous in how much you have to do it
- Essentially only one dungeon that doesn't really change or evolve
- Enemies are pallet swapped frequently
- Has some disturbing elements that will turn a lot of people off
- Fusing Personas is one part fun another frustration: getting the ones you want can be a crapshoot
- Only able to control your main character in battle; your team auto-attacks
- The fact the spells aren't called "ice," etc. but instead called things like "bufu," etc. is a little jarring until you get used to it
- The music, while unique, has some very grating tracks (that battle song...urrrgh)
- The bonus content for FES is overly difficult and has an unsatisfying story
- Has a lot of characters, but never seems to encourage you to use them
- Has lots of voice acting, but not as much as one would hope
- Difficult to be a "player" trying to nab all the girls by the end
- Can't change difficulty mid-game.
- Cutscenes, while great, are infrequent
- While characters and character side-stories are fantastic, the main story is really lacking
- Has a game-breaking glitch that basically lets you kill everything, instantly, forever

Welcome back to high school. Which is about a billion times more exciting than your high school

The Long


A small disclaimer: I love JRPGs, but I don't really love Japan. I did the whole anime thing for several years, but gave it up cold turkey and never looked back quite a while ago. While I can understand the appeal, a lot about Japanese culture turns me off or just straight annoys me, to the point that watching most anime (or playing most extremely Japanese-style games) is an almost intolerable affair. And also, while I love JRPGs, I think it's a stagnating genre that isn't doing anything to evolve. While games like Lost Odyssey are nice because they embrace the old (and arguably obsolete) styles of gameplay, the concept of level grinding for hours on end to accomplish some small task is not an appealing one to me, especially when that consists of mashing the "X" button over and over and waiting for my experience points to show up.

Which is why it's really weird that I loved Persona 3: FES. It had every card in my deck stacked against it, and it still managed to completely grab me by its claws to the point that I was staying up late playing until three in the morning, because I had to do "one more week" because my character was so close to leveling up his knowledges and midterms were coming up soon and if I did good maybe the girl I was dating would social rank up with me and then that would unlock the next tier in her associated Persona class and...

Yeah. You get it. This game is dangerous. And it is totally, completely fantastic. 

Now there's some famous last words

Persona 3: FES's story isn't that compelling. Basically there is an hour every night that nobody knows about between midnight and one 'o clock. During the "Dark Hour," regular people turn into coffins (which makes them safe), while a few others don't. The ones that stick around usually get chowed down on by monsters, driving them crazy and usually killing them. Also, during the dark hour your school turns into this massive evil tower known as Tartarus, filled to the brim with beasties you need to go murder. Yeah, it makes no freaking sense and is totally off the wall. Whatever.

You, an emo-sulky looking protagonist high schooler, are a transfer student from...somewhere. You arrive at your new school and find your dorm-mates are a bit...weird. You are apparently in a mixed-gender dorm (or if it wasn't mixed-gender before they made it one when you showed up. Oh yeah.) full of crazies that seem weirdly paranoid. Your first night there you are awoken sometime between midnight and one (dun dun dun!) because your building is under attack by crazy monsters! You run to the roof with one of your female dormmates, only to be cornered by a bunch of beasties. Luckily, she has a gun. Unluckily, she gets incapacitated before you can use it. So, doing what any normal person would do in this situation, you proceed to point the gun at your own head and fire.

That makes a whole lot of sense

Turns out the gun is an "Invoker," and it is used by an elite group of essentially vigilantes to summon their "Personas" during the Dark Hour. Personas are powerful creatures that can do battle for you (essentially they are required for all magic) and can level up, etc. Everybody in your dorm has only one single persona associated with them, but you (being the special emo kid you are) can have multiple personas (the number you can have in your "inventory" goes up the higher you level), and can even fuse personas together to make new personas. As Keanu Reeves would say: "Woah."

Thus begins your magical, head-shooting adventure into Persona 3: FES. If you are the kind of person where seeing a bunch of teenagers (and a robot, a ten-year-old, and a dog) repeatedly put guns to heir heads and fire (with nice blue sparklies of "magic gore" popping out the other end), you probably can quit this review and just forget Persona 3 exists (but you should go get Persona 4 instead. They swapped the guns for cards). If you are still with me, then you are in for a ride. Yes, beyond all that nonsense I just spouted, the game under all of this is totally bananas. 

I'll just leave this right here. You perverts. 

I'm going to try to break this down as best I can, and hopefully it 1. Makes sense and 2. Doesn't take forever. The game is essentially split into two main points of interaction: what you do during the day (school, extracurricular activities [if you know what I'm saying: LADIES!]) and what you do during the Dark Hour. I'll break these down for you now.

During the day you are given tons of options. You can raise your stats, which help with both school and the ability to interact with certain characters (essentially Knowledge, Charm, and Courage can be raised). The main three girls can only be "courted" if you have maxed out their associated stat, so keep that in mind. You can also interact with friends from school (girls or otherwise), spend time doing sports or other after-school hobbies, blow your money at the arcade, visit an elderly couple at a book shop, hang out with a kid whose parents are getting a divorce, and more. You can only do so much in a day, however, and certain characters and options are only available on certain days of the week (and at certain times), so if you want to hang out with a particular person you'd better learn their schedule.

There is more to this than just simply "dating." First off, nearly every character's story in this game is extremely well written and incredibly engrossing. Some are downright heartbreaking. There is a young man who only visits a shrine on Sunday afternoons who is dying of a terminal disease. When you meet him he has no hope for the future, but as you spend more and more time with him you are able to help him cope with his impending death. There is a young child whose parents are getting a divorce and who thinks it is her fault; she wants to run away from home but you have to help her decide what is the best course of action. A confrontation from the parents adds another layer of depth to this. There is an elderly couple whose son died in a car accident, and the memorial tree at your school is at risk of being cut down in favor of new buildings. These stories are very real and are perfectly paced: every intractable character (or "socially linked" character) has ten levels or pieces of the story you can work on. As you "level" their links up, you get deeper and deeper into their stories. It's amazing how even a simple, drunken monk who visits the bar on tuesday and thursday evenings can have such a compelling past.

Then you have this guy, who has the best nose in video gaming

There is a point to all this, however, beyond simply their stories. Each character is associated with a tarot symbol (Lovers, Tower, Death, etc.), and each persona you can unlock and equip is also associated with one of these symbols. The stronger your relationship with the person, the better personas you can make (and the better XP bonuses they get when you make them) that are associated with that tarot card. Meaning if you want the ultimate personas, you have to max as many social links as possible.

Personas are made in two ways. First, you get them as rewards for finishing battles, though the variety here is sparse. The real way to get personas is through fusing. Starting with just two or three personas (and working your way up to crazy, five-persona fusions) you can mix these different monsters to get a better, stronger (or at least different) persona. Each persona has its own associated moves and stats, and when you have this persona equipped in battle you can use its abilities. For example, Jack Frost is a persona with lots of ice moves. If you equip him in battle, you are given both his abilities (ice moves, sometimes healing), strengths (strong to ice), and weaknesses (weak to fire). In order to get Jack Frost, you can fuse two earlier level personas. Jack Frost is of the Magician tarot, so if you fuse him and have a high relationship with the Magician person at your school, he gets tons of bonus XP.

Still following? It gets worse. 

Then the Pokemon breeding comes in. See, you can have personas inherit abilities from the personas you fused it from. For example, if you made Jack Frost by fusing a persona with heal and a persona with fire, you might end up with a Jack Frost with both ice and fire abilities (useful!). The same goes all the way down through the eighty bajillion personas that are in this game (and the FES version of Persona 3 added freaking more). As you might expect, it becomes insanely addicting to try and 1. Get the best personas 2. Fuse the best personas 3. Fuse the best personas with the best moves. Add to the fact that you can save any persona to the "compendium," which means you can then buy them back later for fusion, and this game has quickly turned into crack. 

And I haven't even gotten to the actual JRPG parts of the game.

Here's a hint: It involves turn based battles

The RPG parts are pretty simple. The game dumps you in Tartarus, a multi-floored, randomly generated dungeon with treasures, monsters, and a boss every ten floors or so. You are restricted to a set number of floors based on story, and are expected to clear these floors before a deadline (while managing all your daytime). Fighting battles causes your party members to be fatigued, which gives them a weakness and requires them to be cycled out (least they suffer a penalty) for a few days if you choose to continue to go fight. You can't be cycled out, however, so if you are tired you are essentially just boned. 

As stated, the game is turn-based, with a heavy emphasis on elemental weaknesses. How it works is simple: if you hit an enemy with its elemental weakness, the enemy will be "knocked down." That enemy forfits its next turn, giving you a free hit. This works the other way, though: if you are hit with your weakness, you fall on your butt, take bonus damage, and miss a turn. 

How you smack the enemies with their weaknesses is based on which personas you have equipped. As I said above, the personas do all the heavy lifting when it comes to magic. You can swap to any persona in your inventory once a turn, and each has their own associated abilities and weaknesses. So it's less of creating the one "ultimate" persona (since they are all limited to six abilities before you have to start replacing them) and rather having a perfect team. 

If you knock all your enemies down you have a chance for an "all out attack," where you do massive damage to all enemies at the cost of them no longer being downed. This also sparks a super goofy anime-esque animation, which I thought was pretty hilarious. 

KILL!

All your party members, as I've already stated, each have one persona, which means their strengths and weaknesses are locked. A major downer of the PS2 release of this game is the fact that you can't control any of your party members directly (they fixed this in the PSP version). You can give basic strategic commands, like designate one as a healer, but they still sort of do their own thing. They love to not think more than one turn ahead, waste magic, and generally act stupid. Luckily if you find out an enemy's weakness they'll tend to exploit it (thank goodness), but as a whole the lack of direct control is sort of a downer. 

So did you get all this? You go to school and hang out with chicks and dudes and grandpas in order to rank up their tarot cards, which in turn lets you fuse better personas with more unique abilities, which you can then equip on your character to exploit enemy weaknesses in battle, which you then level up (both yourself and your personas) as you battle your way to the top of Tartarus in an attempt to save the world. All while constantly shooting yourself in the head every time you cast a spell or use a persona. 

That, in a nutshell, is Persona 3: FES. Let's never do this again. 

Here's another one of these to make up for it. Come on, it was tiger striped boots.

This system is atrociously addicting. I seriously couldn't stop. While I'll admit Tartarus gets a bit monotonous at times (it's just the same level grinding over and over; even the unique battle system can only do so much), wanting to up my stats, up my social links, and fuse better personas was a massive timesink. It totally sucks you in, to the point where I didn't even care about actually using the personas I'd bothered to make, I just wanted to keep getting better ones. And learning more about the girl I was trying to woo. And learn what happened to the kid from my sports class with an injured knee. And...AAARRRGHH THIS GAME CONSUMED MY LIFE!

It is worth noting that while the story never really goes anywhere particularly interesting, it's a big oversight to not alter parts of it to accommodate my social links. I had totally maxed out one of the girls (read: we were an item) in my party and was about 3/4 of the way done with another one (yes, I'm a two-timing jerk. I NEEDED THOSE HIGH LEVEL PERSONAS), but in the story segments nobody says anything differently. There is one scene near the end, at Christmas, that changes depending on which girls you went for, but other than that? Nothing. Kind of a wasted opportunity, to be honest. 

Persona 3: FES has a very distinctive style to every part of it. Oh crap, I forgot to talk about how you can fuse Personas to make better weapons. And how girls get jealous of each other, which can mess up your links. Urrrrrgh...

So...what about the rest of the game? Graphically, it isn't a technological wonder or anything, but the menus are extremely clean and the graphics adhere to a very well-realized art style. Having a "look" about your game can really go a long way, especially for games that aren't in high-definition, and Persona 3: FES nails it. Everything from character portraits, personas, menues, battle effects, and the cutscenes all fit neatly together and look fantastic.

The music is also...well, it's weird. It is not your traditional JRPG, with its usual orchestral sweeping scores and what-not. It's mostly JPop (or JRap), which is catchy in the worst way. As a whole it is inoffensive, with some tracks actually being really good, but that battle song...urrrgh. The game requires a heavy amount of level grinding (which is probably it's biggest setback) which means you hear the same stupid song over and over. Which isn't bad if a song is just music (or it isn't as bad, rather), but with weird JRap dude going at it? So annoying. I turned the sound off when I decided to level grind after about the half-way point. 

Voice acting is solid throughout, I just wish there was more of it. Not really much more I can say on that; it's an Atlas game so localization is top notch. Everything is translated well and it doesn't fall into any "Engrish" traps, though it has some weird melodramatic spikes from time to time. 

There's also a dog and a robot girl. Alrighty then. 

I hate to drag this review on (it's already stupidly long), but I think I can say this fast: this game's biggest problem is it has too much level grinding, and it isn't fun. It has this amazing system built up around getting personas, forming social links, raising stats, and participating in difficult and unique turn based battles. And then it falls into that stupid JRPG trap of requiring you to fight a billion battles in order to be strong enough to beat a boss. I can understand this game would be almost impossible to balance had it not just made it really difficult (the persona fusion means skilled players can get some really good ones really quickly), but it quickly went from "fun" to "tedious." The is especially bad in the last areas of the dungeon, where enemies are really hard and don't seem to give enough rewards. I'm sure people will call me out because they found parts of this game to be easy and I "clearly don't know what I'm talking about," but the fact of the matter is on my first (and currently only) playthrough I had to level grind like a madman, and it got old fast. There. Complaint over. 

Nicholas Cage, eat your heart out. 

I could probably talk even more about this game, but I'm going to end there. The difference between vanilla Persona 3  and Persona 3: FES is the fact that the FES version has more personas, one additional social link (the robot girl), and a bonus, 30+ hour "epilogue" chapter that is both too hard and not interesting. If you beat this game and really want more Persona, I really suggest getting Persona 4, which is like Persona 3 but they took everything I complained about Persona 3 and fixed it (the music, the ability to control your whole party, the main story, the lack of a lot of voice acting...everything). Do that instead of playing the bonus chapter. Just trust me on this one: not worth your time. 

This game, like all Atlas games it seems, has an "Atlas Tax" going on (probably because they all seem to get limited releases) which means that, despite being an old PS2 game, it goes for $30 used. Considering it came out when games were priced new at $50, that can be a hard sell. I, however, totally recommend it at this price (in fact you should probably get it now; it's only going to go up). Persona 3: FES is one of the best JRPGs to come out of Japan in years (the only others I can think of that are even comparable being Lost Odyssey and Nier), and is both addicting and has massive amounts of quality playtime. 

For a star rating, I'd say four out of five. It is a superb game, and I think any JRPG fan should play it, but the minor niggles I mentioned above are enough for me to lop a star rating off. 

And here is that damn battle song. I never want to hear it ever again. 

King's Quest VII - The Princeless Bride

The Short


Pros
- Beautiful, hand-drawn graphics and animations
- Excellent midi music
- Play as two different characters, a first (and last) for the series
- Refined controls from the previous games make it much easier to pick up and play
- Puzzles are the best crafted in the series, many with multiple options
- Excellently diverse side characters
- Areas you visit are fun, unique, and extremely varied
- Final adventure game in what is considered one of the best adventure game series of all time
- Full voice acting throughout

Cons
- Unlike Torin's Passage, this game hasn't aged well
- Voice acting ranges from "decent" to "ear-rippingly bad"
- Story is borderline idiotic
- Both main characters are extremely obnoxious
- Rosella (who was a strong female lead in King's Quest IV) has been reduced to a valley-girl putz
- Has had multiple versions released, making finding the "best" version difficult

King's Quest VII's art style was a rapid departure from the series' norm. 

The Long

This review comes with a story. I have, over the years, purchased King's Quest VII no less than six times (beating out Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne, which I have bought four times). I first bought the game shortly after it was released, but after a freak accident where I was holding the disc while running down the hall and subsequently scraped it against the plaster of our wall (hey, I was like eleven, I was allowed to act like an idiot), I had to go buy another copy. 

A few months later we had a yard sale, the only one I can recall doing in the history of my entire life. At it, my brother and I tried to sell some games for extremely discounted prices. Well, apparently they weren't discounted enough, because some jerkbag stole about half our games from off the table. King's Quest VII was one of them, and apparently I changed my mind about it because I bought another copy.

Skip ahead to around 2004. I was going to college, and I suddenly decided I wanted to play this game again. The King's Quest Collection (the original package) was going for outrageous amounts on eBay, so I decided to just buy a vanilla copy of King's Quest VII. Well, I got my copy but to my shock it was one of the original copies pressed, meaning it only worked on Windows 3.1. Despite complaining to the seller that his auction wasn't specific, I didn't get my money back, so I bought another copy (after checking it would work in Windows 95) and finally got some King's Quest VII on after nearly a decade. 

There is literally no indication on any of the discs which version is which. I wrote "3.1" with a sharpie on my copy so I wouldn't try to install the wrong one in the future. 

Skip ahead another few years. I was at Bookman's in Phoenix with my now-wife, and they were selling a copy of the re-released King's Quest Collection for only $10. These versions had been optimized to work on modern machines (mostly, anyway), so obviously I picked it up. To my dismay, however, the version of King's Quest VII, while still working on my machine, was actually the 3.1 build which had less features (the newer version allowed you to increase character movement speed [a much needed improvement] as well as squashed a few bugs). I am actually right now considering buying the version on Good Old Games just to 1. Have a non-physical copy and 2. See if it is the better version. Somebody should probably stop me before this gets (more) out of control.

Anyway, the point of this story is so you know how much I have invested in this game over the years, so when I tell you that - even with rose-tinted goggles - this game has not aged well, you know it is really hard for me to say it.

The face only a mother could (and does) love

Before I get into the bad let's get into the good: the game still looks pretty fantastic. The animated cutscenes are sort of a downer (as you can see above, they weren't exactly of the highest quality even back in 1995), but the in-game stuff all looks fantastic. Though Rosella does look like she's sort of moping around everywhere she walks (except when she is a troll, where she has good hustle), all the animations are top notch and the background are simply gorgeous.

The areas you go in the game are well complimented by their graphics because the places themselves are really interesting. King's Quest games thrive on taking you to unique and exciting places, but King's Quest VII easily trumps them all in terms of variety and creativity. You have the underground troll caves, which are built around a volcano and feature a depressed dragon. You have Ooga Booga land, which is pretty much a ripoff of The Nightmare Before Christmas, but that's ok. You have the absolutely gorgeous mystic forest, which has in it what might be my favorite town in any game ever: a village of animals run by Arch Duke Fifi 'la YipYip, a presumptuous poodle.

This place is so stupidly hilarious. I love it. 

There's also Etheria, a mystic city in the clouds (which you only go to at the very end of the game, and with only one character), and a sort of blandish desert, but everything just looks and feels so fresh and interesting you can't help but want to explore.

The side characters, as mentioned above with Fifi, are by majority completely absurd. Again, King's Quest is known for having some weird and crazy characters in it, but this one takes it all and ramps it up to almost parody levels. You can tell Roberta Williams had a ton of fun with this and, considering it's the last "true" King's Quest game, it makes you wonder if she knew the series was finally running out of steam and made this the last hoorah.

Ooga Booga land use to scare me as a kid. There are some pretty messed up ways to die. 

The puzzles, also, are some of the best in the series. Abandoning the "look, use, walk, item" mechanics of King's Quests V and VI, King's Quest VII reduces everything to a single button click (with the exception of items, of course), essentially streamlining the entire game. Your curser will give you indication by sparkling when you can interact with something (which may or may not kill you; this is an adventure game after all, deaths are frequent), and that's pretty much it. Deaths, as I said, are frequent, but unlike previous games where a hard reload is required, instead you get scolded by the (now dead) character before being given the chance to simply try again. It's a system that Torin's Passage and almost every modern adventure game now uses, so in that regard you could argue that King's Quest VII pioneered it.

But anyway, the puzzles: they are quite good. Another "staple" of the genre (that probably helped kill it) was the fact that most puzzles were stupidly obscure. The King's Quest games have always been good at avoiding this stereotype, and VII is the best of all. Combined with the streamlined controls, puzzles are tricky enough to make you feel smart when you get them, but easy enough that you don't feel completely stumped for too long. There are a few areas (the desert at the beginning and Etheria at the end) that are a bit too open-ended, but all-in-all King's Quest VII is totally doable without a guide, which is more than can be said for most old adventure games. 

Sorry, Al Lowe. Roberta Williams isn't called the "mother of adventure games" for nothing. 

I hoped all you nostalgia people enjoyed my positive points, because now I'm going to rip this game to shreds.

King's Quest VII has the worst story in the entire series, paired with the worst characters. It's obnoxious, trivial, borderline sexist, and has one of the most tacked-on endings of any King's Quest game I've played. Almost everything Valanice (the queen, in her first and only role as a playable character in a King's Quest game) and Rosella (who was a strong protagonist in King's Quest IV) say makes you want to hit them, and considering writing and story are what makes up for the somewhat mediocre gameplay in adventure games, this is a huge problem.

The story starts off with Valanice scolding Rosella because she won't get married. Rosella, who pretty much kicked ass and took names in King's Quest IV (she fought her way out of slavery in order to take her place as the princess of Daventry), is now a whiny, air-headed valley girl who wants nothing more than to "go on an adventure." "But mother!" She whined in the opening as Valanice points out potential marriage prospects, "he's so boooooring!" Really? This is what you turned these characters into? Walking cliches? 

I suppose Valanice does get what she wants, though, because (MASSIVE SPOILER...not really) Rosella finds some guy that she met in King's Quest IV at the very end of the game and - guess what? - they get hitched. Thus proving you can have one adventure in your life, and then it's off to makin' babies. Which is probably why Valanice didn't get a game until now, and why she spends most of the game crying.

It does have giant Gila Monsters, though, and as my wife knows I think gila monsters are awesome. I usually let this one eat Valanice every time I play, just because it gives me a good deal of satisfaction.

Seriously, see in the picture above? See the comb? That's Rosella's comb. At the beginning, when the two are bitching at each other about whether or not Rosella should be able to choose what to do with her life or get married and be a good housewife (like Valanice), Rosella jumps into some pond for an unexplainable reason which turns into a magical warping portal. Valanice jumps after, but on the way down Rosella gets grabbed by a troll and sucked to the troll kingdom, while Valanice ends up in the desert land. Cue five plus hours of Valanice whining, crying, and moping about her daughter. As an added bonus, you always have the option to "use comb on Valanice," which makes her poor, fragile emotions shatter and causes her to break down into sobs every single time. 

I find this almost as offensive as Super Princess Peach, where you use her rampantly fluctuating feminine emotions to save Mario. Almost. 

As an added bonus, the "use comb to make my character cry" is the solution to not one but two puzzles in the game. What? Not to mention if you show it to just about anybody Valanice will almost completely break down as she explains how she can't find her daughter, which makes me wonder if while her kids were off on adventures in King's Quests III, IV, and VI if she just sat in bed with a bottle of anti-depressants and a tub of ice cream until they came back. 

Rosella isn't much better. She's a spoiled brat (which makes no sense given King's Quest IV) who constantly complains. She's turned into a troll right from the start (yay!) which I think is some attempt to give her character an arch as she learns that it isn't about being ugly but about not being a total bitch, but the fact that she (again, SPOILER) turns a fake troll king into a total stud who she then marries out of the blue kind of defeats that life lesson, doesn't it? She whines constantly, and at every character, and despite the fact that she's doing some pretty amazing things and besting some pretty difficult enemies, she never develops at all. Look, I don't need a lot of depth in my adventure games. I'm really not that picky. I just want to have characters that I can like and relate to. Neither of these characters do that for me. 

Add on the fact that you have literally no information with regards to why the villain wants to (essentially) blow up the world (minus the fact that she was some ex-fairie from Etheria and got booted out? Something like that?), how Edgar from King's Quest IV got roped into this, or how the crap Rosella and Valanice got home, and you have a plot that's a jumbled mess complete with an unsatisfying, "deus ex machina" filled ending.

And they all lived stupidly ever after

And that's where the rose-tinted glasses don't save this game. I still have a great deal of affection for the game. I love the music (the gravedigger song in Ooga Booga land will be stuck in my head until the day I die), I love the beautiful places you can visit, I love the side characters (Jackalope for president!), I love the art design, and I love the puzzles. I just hate everything that has to do with the characters I'm in control of, which makes replays of this game a sort of bittersweet reunion. 

Maybe I'm just being too picky, but if you don't believe me I encourage you to pick up the game and run through it again. If you are willing to overlook these rather glaring faults in the name of nostalgia, I commend you. For me, I'll still keep buying this game if they keep selling it to me, but in the end I begin to wonder if it's out of unbridled affection or just habit at this point. 

You can get it and the atrocious abomination known as King's Quest VIII: Mask of Eternity for $10 off Good Old Games. Personally, I'd suggest picking up their previous pack (which has King's Quests IV, V, and VI for $10) first, since you are basically playing $10 for King's Quest VII which, as stated, hasn't particularly aged gracefully (like Valanice, M I RITE?). They should really just take it away from that horrible eighth game and sell it on its own for like $5, but since that is currently your only option it's up to you.

For a star rating, I'd say three out of five. Yes, I complained a great deal about this game, but even just writing this review made me want to ignore its faults and play through it again, which is a sign of a game that still works despite its flaws. If you don't have any nostalgia for it, though, dock a point from the final score. 

Wait, someone made Arch-Duke Fifi 'la YipYip fanart? A BILLION OUT OF FIVE.