Pokemon Dash

The Short


Pros
- Has 25 tracks, and you can import tracks based off your pokemon from Ruby/Sapphire or FireRed/LeafGreen
- Has a fair number of pokemon in it

Cons
- Is a full price, glorified, branded tech demo for the Nintendo DS
- "Gameplay" is nonexistent, and they didn't even bother to try and mix up their awful formula
- Graphics look awful, even for an early NDS title.
- It also sounds awful. Bonus.
- Why does this game exist? It's nothing but a trick for mothers or little children who want Pokemon, but then they get it for Christmas and after playing it for five minutes realize it's a trick and swear revenge against this world that has so betrayed them, and next thing you know they are committing arson and knocking down mailboxes. So basically this game is the cause of school shootings.

They really are trying to get me to hate Pokemon, aren't they. 

The Long

So listen: I like the DS, and I like Pokemon. I don't mind spin-off games if they are still ok games (even though I bagged on Hey You, Pikachu! it isn't offensive to me, just poor). This game, Pokemon Dash, offends me. It offends me as a Pokemon fan, it offends me as somebody who has to earn his own money to buy games, and most importantly it offends me as a gamer. Pokemon Dash is utter garbage that shouldn't exist, and the fact they pawned it off at full price as an early Nintendo DS game (when the system was in dire need of some games) just makes this whole thing worse.

Now that that is out of the way, here is my completely unbiased, objective review of Pokemon Dash.

Oh my gosh this game is so horrible.  

So the point of this game is to race Pikachu against every other pokemon in existence, and by every other I mean like a few dozen at most. Pikachu runs in a stright line and you have next to no control over him, besides motivating him to go faster. How do you do this? By scratching the bottom of the screen as fast as you can with the DS stylus. Yes. That is literally the entire game. You quickly swipe in a direction, Pikachu goes that way (faster if you swipe Fast) and then you either win or you lose. Most of it is automated. This is the whole game.

The whole top screen is completely useless. There's a "radar" which is useless, a current ranking (which could have been done on the bottom screen) and nothing else. The bottom screen is filled with ugly, awful graphics as you watch Pikachu from your observation chopper, ordering his every move. There are a few mixups, like certain terrain requires you to pick up an item before crossing them or else you'll slow to a crawl, but other than that you just...swipe. That's it. 

This is one ugly-ass game. 

You have 25 courses, and you can import your pokemon from the GBA games and it'll make races out of them, which makes me wonder why they didn't just include them in the game, since there aren't a lot of tracks here anyway. Instead you have to own both games, and if you own a GBA pokemon game and have it in your DS you should probably just be playing it instead of this crap.

The pokemon sounds are all annoying. They aren't as bad in an actual Pokemon game because you don't hear them all that often, but you hear them all the time in this monstrosity. The graphics, as I said before, look completely awful. I'd rather play Hey You, Pikachu! from start to finish than boot this awful thing up again.

Wow, Pikachu, I never realized you were such a Warrior Poet. 

I don't want to talk about this game anymore. There is nothing redeemable about it. It's essentially just a DS tech demo, and they should have given it away for free. Or better yet, just not released it. Instead they put it out with the Pokemon logo, inspiring false hopes that it might actually have something good inside of its plastic box.

It doesn't.

Zero out of five stars. 

"Mewoth, that's right!"

Hey You, Pikachu!

The Short


Pros
- Can talk to Pikachu and make him do things
- Actually has a lot of stuff to do
- Looks ok for an N64 game
- Is probably good if you are a kid. And live in 2000.

Cons
- Pikachu is either an idiot or hates me because he never does anything I say
- Required microphone only works for this game and another game released in Japan. Useful!
- Lots of games, but most aren't particularly fun
- The definition of "crappy cash-grab spinoff"

This is going to be awesome.

The Long

So Nintendo has this thing for releasing crap to go along with their consoles. I think this probably stems from back in the NES days, where they marketed it more as a "toy" than a "video game console" due to the stigma following the great video game market crash. In an attempt to make the NES appear more like a "toy," they unloaded a massive amount of garbage for it (or allowed third party people to do it) such as the R.O.B. robot, the Power Glove, etc. Most of these crappy add-ons were expensive, annoying, and only worked with one or two games before they were swiftly abandoned.

Nintendo has continued this practice to this day, though it took a slight break during the SNES period (Super Scope, anyone?). The N64 was graced with a memory card, a rumble pak, an actual RAM expansion (that became required to play some games), a CD-Drive (that never made it out of Japan), and this microphone. In fact, now that I think about it, they had a microphone on the Gamecube too, for that one game...Odama. I think that's the only game that used it there, too.

Oh, and Wii Speak, for the Wii! That worked in...uh...Animal Crossing? Was that it? I guess you could voice chat in like The Conduit, but who would want to; it was a thing that sat on your TV (like my Kinect, only somehow dumber). The DS and 3DS also have microphones, but they only use them on early DS games to blow on things (usually for minigames or in Zelda: Phantom Hourglass) and...that's it. 

In a world where Siri is actually pretty brilliant, and Microsoft is making their Kinect toy more and more powerful, it's weird to look back and see that Nintendo had a piece of that pie, but instead of eating it or selling it they sort of left it in the fridge to get moldy. But this isn't a post about Nintendo's pie aversion, it's a post about Hey You, Pikachu! a game that aspires nothing more than to be mediocre, and succeeds heartily. 

Yeup, there he is. 

Hey You, Pikachu! is essentially a collection of minigames on the Nintendo 64 which are all Pokemon themed. There are about seven actual activities in all, ranging from keeping a bunch of Caterpie's awake so they can evolve, searching for treasures, and so on. The gimmick here is that you don't directly control Pikachu (your proxy into this mad world) but have to issue him voice commands instead. And this works exactly as well as you'd think based on year 2000 voice recognition technology.

Yeah, you suck. 

I would yell, whisper, articulate, and try everything in my power to get Pikachu to understand what I was telling him, but it only worked maybe 25% of the time. The rest of the time he either completely misinterpreted or just ignored me. Which, if this were real Pokemon, would be about the time I forced him back into his Pokeball and replaced him with another one who can understand me.

The biggest problem might be the microphone itself. That warning on the box that says "For Ages 12 and under" isn't a coincidence; the microphone is made to better detect higher-pitched voices rather than all of us who've passed puberty. So even if you have a high voice for an adult male (which my tenor-singing self will begrudgingly admit) odds are your words just aren't making it through the mic, much less into Pikachu's tiny brain. Why would you limit your technology like this? Was it too hard for actual voice recognition? 

The game looks decent for an N64 game. Too bad it isn't fun at all. 

This might be ok if the minigames themselves were fun, but most are just boring endeavors that focus heavily on yelling at Pikachu to do things for you. I won't elaborate further than that, though I will give it a bit of the benefit of the doubt by saying they'd probably be ok for kids, though kids these days are much more video-game adept than I was as a kid and can recognize a bad game on sight (usually. Angry Birds still sells for some reason.) so maybe it won't even be good for kids either.

Why is Pikachu on my bed? Giving me a "come hither" look?

Graphically it actually looks pretty good. It's polygonal and blurry but that's all N64 games, so we can't fault it for that. The music is just a bunch of poppy, boring songs made to be background noise, and you probably won't hear them over your repeated yelling at the screen trying to get Pikachu do to one simple task, which he will then ignore you and just play around by himself. Hey, it's like having a real pet!

I imagined the Zelda "Got Item" sound when I saw this picture. 

I'm more than willing to forgive a spin-off game if it still is a decent game (see Pokemon Pinball).  I'm even willing to forgive a movie game if it is still a decent game (see Saw). But this game, either by the limit of its tech or being just plain rushed, falls flat in nearly every aspect. When it does work it's actually pretty fun, as fun as ordering an electric rodent around in minigames is. But the fact that it only works half the time (if that) kills it, especially since the people playing it in this day and age will probably be in their twenties and have too low of voices for the microphone to even work.

So, you get one out of five stars, Hey You, Pikachu! You might have been more forgivable back in 2000, but since I remember seeing you as a kid in the height of my Pokemon obsession and still thinking you looked idiotic, I'm guessing no. 

Pokemon HeartGold/SoulSilver

Pokemon SoulSilver/HeartGold Version

Note: I will not be going over the basic mechanics of the Pokemon games in this review, as I have covered these mechanics extensively in my Pokemon Blue/Red review. Instead, all subsequent reviews will instead focus on the changes made to the formula in any particular iteration. 

The Short

Pros

- Remake of the best Pokemon generation

- First pokemon will follow you around like in Pokemon Yellow

- Has all the pokemon from the previous games

- Complete experience is retained, including the whole second region (Kanto) you can return to after beating Johto, as well as more bonus areas.

- Lets you import your GBA pokemon, just like in Pokemon Diamond/Pearl

- "Pokewalker" pedometer included for free, lets you walk your pokemon around and level them

- Modernized with better uses of the touch screen

- Most graphics (menues, effects, walkaround, etc.) have seen a minor upgrade since Diamond/Pearl

- Insane amounts of content, customizability, and with the improvements the game is more accessible and fun than ever

Cons

- Battle graphics still look like something off the GBA

- Doesn't add anything particularly substantial 

- Does add another minigame collection, which thankfully you can completely ignore

- Pokewalker only works with this generation; doesn't work for older ones or Black/White

Time to replay the best Pokemon game

The Long

I'm really trying to not bias this review with my nostalgia goggles. After getting annoyed at Pokemon Diamond/Pearl, when I heard the next DS release would be a remake of Gold/Silver (much like FireRed/LeafGreen on the GBA) I freaked out. They were remaking my favorite Pokemon generation? With better graphics, controls, and updated with all the new pokemon? Sign me up!

So there is obviously a bit of bias here. I make no qualms in saying that Gold/Silver is the best Pokemon generation, in terms of improvement, controls, gameplay, and the pokemon themselves. So I'll try my best to not just gush like crazy over this game, but it'll be hard.

Because this game is really good. 

The return of Totodile!

Ok, let's just get the first bit over with: this is a very faithful remake of Gold/Silver. Like FireRed/LeafGreen, Nintendo has taken great reverence in making sure this version is faithful to the original formula (and considering they haven't changed the Pokemon formula much since then, it isn't that hard). So if you go read my Gold/Silver review, you can get the general gist of why that game is so fantastic.

So what is different, or better? Well, quite a few things, actually.

First off, the touch screen controls are finally excellent. While you still have to hit a button to get to the menu, it's all on the bottom screen now, be it pokemon selection, items, or whatever. It all has touchscreen controls now (finally) which works really well. It streamlines the interface (an opportunity that Diamond/Pearl completely neglected) and makes the often tedious menu-interactions of the Pokemon games a lot better. 

The bottom screen is much more useful. Except when its in Japanese. 

This game also employs the same great art style of Diamond/Pearl with it's overworld map, though I think it's been tweaked a little. Colors are much more vibrant in this version, and new additions to the world (like windmills outside Route 14 and New Bark Town) make it really feel like you are off on a great adventure, seeing new things and having new experiences. Unlike many remakes of games, everything changed in this one aesthetically is for the better, with one small exception.

Battle graphics still look like the GBA

The pokemon animate a bit in battle again (like they did in Crystal and the updated Platinum) which is nice, and the art design seems better this time around than in Pearl/Diamond, but the game still looks dated. I get that it's easier to just make sprites than 3D models, and I actually prefer pixelated sprites over bad 3D (which is why I never got too into the N64). But you could at least make the backdrops interesting! Gradients are all you could use? Really? And you could probably also shrink down the "WHAT WILL MEGANIUM DO" up there and put it on the bottom screen, so that the battle screen doesn't look so freaking cluttered. I mean, all the menu options are on the bottom, why not have the top just be an aesthetic representation of the fight with all the words, hpts, etc. on the bottom? Would be nice.

Making the Pokedex touchscreen was a huge boost. 

Anyway all this is a moot point because not updating the battle graphics is really my only complaint about Pokemon HeartGold/SoulSilver (well, and the fact they didn't remake Crystal). Yeah, all they added (minus all the improvements since Gold/Silver originally came out) was a stupid minigame collection, but I'm actually fine with that. "But Nathan," you'll say, "you dissed Diamond/Pearl because they only added a minigame collection and had GBA sprites, but you clearly are infatuated with this stupid remake! What gives?" To which I say, "Shut up, you silly sod. Yeah, if you looked at HeartGold/SoulSilver with that same critical eye you'd notice similar flaws, but the point is you don't notice the flaws if the game underneath is good enough." That's always been Pokemon's thing: they refine the system a little, but if they can keep the whole "I'm going on an adventure!" aspect and make it work, a player will overlook the GBA graphics and lack of innovation. Gold/Silver is the best adventure the series has to offer, and I don't mean in terms of story, I mean in terms of immersion and just straight up content. These games have tons of stuff to do. You have two entire worlds to burn through (Johto and then Kanto from the first generation) and bonus stuff beyond that. And since this bonus content isn't just minigame garbage (like in Diamond/Pearl) I'm willing to forgive it.

I think I put 140 hours into this game, and I never did a single minigame. I beat the gym leaders of Johto, crushed the Elite Four and the Champion Drake, went to Kanto and smashed everybody there, too (including Blue, Red's original rival from the very first game), went back and fought the improved Elite Four, hunted down legendary dogs, caught the lv. 80 Ho-Oh (you can catch both legendaries in this game, just one is a lot easier than the other), and entered the hardest dungeon in an attempt to beat Red, the baddest mother-effer in the Pokemon universe. Except maybe Cynthia in Black. But we aren't going there yet. 

Oh man, that song is awesome.

This is after hours and hours, all of which I never got bored. I get bored in Pearl/Diamond after like three or four hours. Yeah, maybe it's my rose-tinted goggles, or maybe it's because HeartGold/SoulSilver is really good. 

There are a few other cool additions. One of my favorites, having your pokemon follow you around, has returned. Unlike Yellow, though, you aren't limited to just Pikachu; whomever you have first in your party lineup tags along. And you can talk to them and get some interesting...feedback. It's cool and again does what it did in Yellow: immerses you in the adventure.

Let's go kick some butt!

Another new thing is the Pokewalker, a pedometer with infrared capabilities. On the back of these DS carts (and these carts only; the Pokewalker doesn't work with any other set of games) there's an infrared transmitter, which you can then send any pokemon in the game (and every generation before this one, since all are available) to the walker to...walk around with you, I guess. On the Pokewalker it has some games that you can play in exchange for spending your "steps" you've earned for walking around with it. It sounds dumb, but you can actually get some really rare pokemon really early if you get off your couch (where you are presumably playing Pokemon) and walk around for a bit. 

I wore this thing around college for the month or so I was playing this game, with no shame. Maybe I'm just a lunatic, but I certainly spotted a few other people with them, so I'm not the only one. It has an item finding minigame on it, as well as a pokemon catching game. I just wish it had more of a Tamugachi thing as well; it would make it more interactive and fun. But whatever. 

The fact this actually works is kind of nuts. 

The music (as evidenced by the song above) is all remakes of the original tunes, but unlike FireRed/LeafGreen where I felt the remakes were "just ok," I found these remade songs in HeartGold/SoulSilver to actually be better than the originals. Yeah, I just punched nostalgia in the face and said remade music was better. Mark it down, because this'll probably be the only time I'll ever say that about any game ever. 

And yes, the day/night cycle is back. And the horde of Hoothoots to accompany it. 

As I've stated multiple times throughout this review, you could probably just shrug this off as me remembering Gold/Silver/Crystal fondly and applying it to this game, but it's worth noting that I'm a lot older now. Older and jaded and angry at the world (and JRPGs in general, but that's a whole other can of worms). I'm not going to give a Pokemon game a pass just because it reminds me of one I really liked, especially since it had been almost a decade since I'd last played Crystal, so I had no idea if it was good or just me being a child. 

Pokemon HeartGold/SoulSilver is my favorite DS iteration of Pokemon, and by a very long shot. Yeah, Black/White is great (and expect a review shortly), but something about HeartGold/SoulSilver stuck with me. I've never wanted to replay a Pokemon game shortly after considering it "finished" (I usually just play until I'm so sick of pocket monsters I don't want to even look at another one for a year, which is conveniently when the next game tends to come out), but with HeartGold/SoulSilver I really want to replay it (and can't, because it still only has one save file. Lame!) and have wanted too ever since I beat the upgraded Champion. 

This is Pokemon at its finest: loaded with content, tons of pokemon, a fun story, great graphics, amazing music, and just an overall grand adventure. If you have a DS I really recommend picking this up, even if you aren't a Pokemon fan. It might just make a believer out of you.

Five out of five stars. 

Pokemon Trading Card Game

The Short


Pros
- Successfully emulates both the trading card game and the regular Pokemon formula
- Lots of bosses/Gym leaders to fight, cards to unlock, and decks to make and manage
- The inclusion of RPG elements and unlocks help the game retain some replayability

Cons
- Looks kind of ugly
- If you don't like the Pokemon Card Game, you'll pretty much hate this
- No cards from Gold/Silver, despite coming out the same year
- Is basically just a bunch of boss fights you can repeat for more cards, until you get to the last boss

We are really getting in deep now

The Long

So...trading card games. Something I've always had a fascination with, but never got too deep into. Oh, I've had several decks of Magic: The Gathering cards. I also had two decks of Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and that Vs. Battle thing that had Marvel heroes or whatever in it (I've also played Killer Bunnies with all the expansions, which is nuts). For some reason these games fascinate me, but I don't get invested because it's too expensive, and eventually you'll hit that rich kid who bought all the best cards with his parents' money and then your life is over because you'll never, ever beat him (or her). 

Anyway, I'm exactly the kind of person who things like Pokemon Trading Card Game...the game appeals to. There are no boosters to buy, no rich punks to outwit, and if you hit an enemy who is too hard you can usually just keep fighting the weak guys until you unlock better cards, then get the sweet satisfaction of crushing him. All without having to spend $4-$5 on the chance you'll maybe get a rare card you need. 

This is also why I played Yu-Gi-Oh on the GBC, and am currently addicted to Magic 2012 on the Xbox 360/PS3, but I digress.

But he didn't have to buy it, and that's what matters. 

Pokemon Trading Card Game (yes, that's the title, no colon or dash or anything) is exactly what it says it is: its the Pokemon trading card game that was all the rage in the late 90s/early 2000s. If you are unfamiliar with it you might just think this game is Magic: The Gathering, but it's actually its own beast (or pocket monster, right guys? Guys?). You draw creature cards (aka Pokemon cards), energy cards (aka mana or lands for the Magic: The Gathering crowd) and abilities (like spells or traps in Yu-Gi-Oh). Unlike Magic, however, where you tap from a pool, Pokemon's emphasis is on (not surprisingly) the Pokemon themselves. Instead of assigning mana to an overal group, you attach it to your pokemon (you get a team of six, as usual). You can also evolve your pokemon or use items to swap them in and out. Pokemon battle one at a time (again, like the actual game) until you've fainted six of your enemies, and then you win. It's essentially like Magic: The Gathering light, since the items are all free (don't cost energy), and you put energy directly on the pokemon themselves. Still, like the real game there's strategy to be had here (as well as the usual weaknesses), and while it isn't the best TCG, it's certainly a competent one.

For some reason, the main character reminds me of somebody from a Dragon Quest game. 

The plot is simple: you are on Trading Card Game Island (really. That's the name of the place. I'm not making this up). Here they have multiple Clubs (not gyms!), each devoted to a specific type of pokemon. You basically go and boss-battle your way through these idiots, getting more cards and building a better and better deck. After a while you get to fight the Grand Masters (not the Elite Four! Even though there are four Grand Masters!) and then the Champion (not the Champ - wait.). And then you are free to go fight against them again with upgraded cards until you own every card in the world and are KING OF THE PLAYGROUND HA HA HA.

I WILL RULE TRADING CARD GAME ISLAND WITH AN IRON FIST

It's a pretty shallow premise, but if you think about the actual Pokemon games they don't have much depth either. What's somewhat disappointing is that all you do is battle cards. There's no exploration, no feeling like you are on a quest, nothing. And while I'm all for stripping down the crap (see my hate-filled reviews of Ruby and Diamond generations with their awful pokemon dance parties and whatnot) it seems like they went too far.

They also didn't include any cards from Gold/Silver, which is too bad. I know Gold/Silver wasn't out for another four months, but then maybe you should have waited since everybody who bought this game felt dumb because they were missing both 1. New pokemon and 2. The two new element types (dark and steel). Thanks, Nintendo.

"It's time to duel!" Wait...wrong franchise. 

So...is the game fun? Well, if you like the card game then...sort of? I think the card game is fine, except the part where I have to buy cards and find someone to play with me (especially now that I'm 26 and all old), so hey...sign me up for Pokemon Trading Card Game the game! The "sort of" comes from two key things: the graphics are fugly (look up at that! It's like a giant brown turd!) and the UI itself is weak. They couldn't have like...put cards in front of you? They just show whichever one is battling, hiding the rest of your team. I guess that works because it's more like the real Pokemon games, but if you are going to alter your UI so it shows these giant images of the Pokemon, why the crap would you use such ugly ones? And what was wrong with the pictures from the original games? Those at least looked good!

Oh look, secret plot. 

The graphics outside of battle are ok. They look decent on the Game Boy Color, but this is no Pokemon Gold/Silver. It's clear they only put the minimal amount of effort into these things. The music is also just ok, lacking any real Pokemon flare but still being ok background noise.

Fat Pikachu returns. And wtf...GNAW? Gnaw isn't a Pokemon move!

So...my final thoughts. Well...if you like the Pokemon card game, this is really your own choice for a game version. A sequel came out in Japan, but I guess we were already over it so it didn't make it over here. As it stands it's an ok game, successfully emulating the card game, and the progression system is nice. But on the flip side it's ugly, simple, and not particularly enthralling if you don't like card games.

So it really boils down to this question: Do you like trading card games? And specifically, do you like the Pokemon card game? If so, pack your bags for Trading Card Game Island, because we've got a vacation for you. If not, don't bother.

I think the Pokemon card game is alright (though I haven't played it in probably a decade), and I like Pokemon a lot anyway, so we'll give this a two out of five for me. As a representation of a card game it's ok, but it could (and should) have been way better. If you like Magic but are on the fence, feel free to knock a star off. If you hate Pokemon, card games, or both, just take all the stars away and toss them aside. This isn't for you. 

Trading Card Game Island...good grief. And I thought some of the pokemon's names were dumb. 

Pokemon Diamond/Pearl/Platinum

Pokemon Diamond/Pearl/Platinum Version

The Short

Pros

- 107 new Pokemon, bringing the total at that point to 493

- Day/Night cycle is finally back

- Ability to import your pokemon from either of the GBA games if you have a DS with a GBA slot (DS or DS Lite; no DSi support)

- New world graphics are a mix between 2D and 3D and look pretty good

- Storyline is surprisingly epic for a Pokemon game

- The first female champion in the history of the series, which is good; finally some progression here

- Battle uses the touchscreen well, and color-codes the moves based on their elements, which is nice

- Wireless trading, thanks to the DS's wireless abilities, is great
- Also allows for battling over the internet, though the UI for this stuff isn't great

- One of the starters is f***ing Turtwig, which is the most adorable pokemon of all time

Cons

- Of all the Generations, this one provided the least number of changes, with the only notable inclusion being the awful "Super Contest."

- Menus, despite being on the DS, don't use the bottom touchscreen primarily. Why?

- While walkaround graphics are better, battle graphics are just as bland as the GBA versions

- New pokemon aren't as stupid as the Ruby/Sapphire generation, but they are certainly close

- Doesn't let you go to any new regions after you beat the game (why weren't we allowed back to the Ruby/Sapphire region?), though it still has stuff to do

- Music isn't particularly great, though there is one song that is surprisingly epic
- With the lack of new features, this version of Pokemon is noticeably stale

Generation IV, fools. 

Note: I will not be going over the basic mechanics of the Pokemon games in this review, as I have covered these mechanics extensively in my Pokemon Blue/Red review. Instead, all subsequent reviews will instead focus on the changes made to the formula in any particular iteration. 

The Long


So it's been almost thirteen years since Pokemon Red/Blue came out in the US. We've gone from the original Game Boy to the Game Boy color to the Game Boy Advance, and now Nintendo's latest handheld is kicking up a storm: The Nintendo DS. After a somewhat weak start the system picked up some serious steam, and before you knew it people were talking: what would the DS Pokemon game be like? Would it follow the same formula, or mix it up? Will the starters finally be swapped to a Dark/Psychic/Fighting trio, rather than the traditional Fire/Water/Grass? We hadn't seen any really radical changes to the series' mechanics or overall game structure since Pokemon Gold/Silver (though Ruby/Sapphire did add a little bit), so when Pokemon Diamand/Pearl finally showed up in 2007 we were all pumped. I actually pre-ordered this game, believe it or not, making it the only game in the history of games that I've actually pre-ordered from a physical outlet (I usually just pre-order games from Amazon now).

Well, I got my limited edition massive and ugly Pokemon stylus for my DS for pre-ordering, and then I busted this bad-boy out. I'd actually been off the Pokemon scene for a while; remember I completely skipped the Ruby/Sapphire generation until long after the fact. So truth be told, Diamond/Pearl was my first Pokemon games since freaking Crystal, so it had a lot to live up to.

And I can safely say it did not even come close to meeting my expectations.

Despite the DS having been out for a while, the touch screen gets little use

Pokemon Diamond/Pearl is the first in the main series I actually felt like they were just cashing it in. Yeah, sure, they'd been cashing it in with the brand constantly - the card game, awful spinoffs like Hey You, Pikachu!, enough toys to populate a small city - but I'd always felt they were at least trying with the games. Pokemon Diamond/Pearl isn't a bad Pokemon game. After all, the formula is still solid, there are a bunch of new Pokemon to catch, and all the same addictive systems are still in play. It's just a completely uninspired game. 

This is most clearly seen when you realize the only thing they really "added" in this game was the Pokemon Super Contest, which is like the stupid pageant from Ruby/Sapphire except mandatory. Yes, that is literally the only real new thing. A bunch of crappy minigames, some of which use the touchscreen poorly. Joy. 

They did slightly tweak how special attacks and regular attacks work, but that is so insignificant a casual Pokemon player won't even notice. 

That is the only actual gameplay change in the entirety of this generation (minus the usual balancing and new pokemon). So...what other things are new? This game is on a more powerful piece of hardware, and has two screens (one of them being a touchscreen). What did they use that for?

The touch screen battles are appreciated, but the graphics look like a GBA game

Well, let's start with the touch screen, since that is the DS's most unique feature. When it comes to this, I'm split: it does battles very well, and it does the rest of the game poorly. In battles (as you can see above), the bottom screen is now your command screen, with large, easy to touch buttons down there for you to navigate. Since you'll be using the d-pad and face buttons to play the game normally, I didn't actually use the touch screen much, but I'm glad it's there. The attacks are also now colored to their respective element (making it easier to know which to use against who), which is also very handy. The entire thing has been made to work with fingers rather than the stylus, which is also appreciated, because getting the stylus back out every two seconds is a pain.

But then they don't use it for anything after that. You get a sort of "Pokegear" thing on the bottom, which consists of that one huge red button on the side. You can swap between a clock, your current team (which shows health, but touching them does nothing but make their noise), and a few other useless features. You still have to hit a button to get to the menu, and when you do it starts on the top screen. Why? Why can't I just touch to get to the menu on bottom, and cycle through my pokemon there? Granted, after you pick a menu item it goes all touch screen, replacing it with unintuitive buttons with no text. This is bad UI design, guys.

I can only imagine that, for a newcomer, this would be completely overwhelming

Ok, so the touchscreen controls are implemented poorly, but so what? The old games didn't have the touchscreen, and they were fine? And here is where I have to sullenly give a hint of a nod, because I actually sort of agree. It doesn't really hurt the game to have crappy touchscreen use, it just doesn't help it any, either. This is a new generation of games. Why couldn't you have made it work better?

The graphics also have that polarizing effect for me, though my reactions are opposite. Out in the field, the graphics look really good. It has a sort of combination of a 3D rendered world with 2D sprites set on it, but fresh and crisp. It actually looks really good and, while not a powerhouse, fits the art style of the previous games very well.

And then you get into a battle. 

I'm glad the buttons are colored, but those graphics...ugh.

Well, the art looks better than Ruby/Sapphire, I guess. And it's clear there's a higher pixel count. But why are the backgrounds still so...boring? That seriously looks almost exactly like a screenshot from LeafGreen/FireRed. Seriously, look at it and tell me if Pearl/Diamond looks like it's on a system 2-3x as powerful, if not more. 

Yeah I am. 

Again, yeah, there's a slightly higher pixel density. That's it. Why aren't they rendered in 3D? Or at least animated? Or anything? I'd be willing to forgive if you'd done more things right with the rest of the game, but seriously? How is this next-gen Pokemon? 

Aside from me griping about that stuff, there really isn't much more to say about Pokemon Diamond/Pearl besides that it's the exact same Pokemon game you played on the GBA, which was in turn a marginally improved Pokemon game from the original GB ones. Which is fine, since the originals were so fantastic they keep holding the rest of this house of cards in place, but when you put one bad card up the rest of it starts crumbling. Many of those nagging issues from Blue/Red (insane level grinding, similar story, similar pokemon between generations) persist here, and they'd be easy to overlook if the game brought something new to the table. Hell, to be completely honest all LeafGreen/FireRed brought was updated visuals and mechanics and all my childhood nostalgia, and that was enough to carry it! Diamond/Pearl is unabashedly lazy, and because of that the whole game just leaves a sour taste. Sure, if you've never played Pokemon before you probably are fine with it, but if you have than this game seems bland and unoriginal.

But it does have one high point. 

FREAKING TURTWIG

Nobody ever picks grass types as starters, mostly because they're abundant and sort of underpowered. However, when I play these games I always pick Turtwig as my starter. Why? Because he's awesome. Look how freaking cute he is! He's like...a turtle (which is awesome) with a sick grin (which is awesome) and a little leaf...sprout thingy on his head (AWESOME). The rest of the pokemon this generation kind of suck, like the ones from Ruby/Sapphire, but Turtwig rules. I get him and never evolve him. I don't care if he sucks, he's cool.

Anyway, now that we've gotten off on that tangent...um...I'm kind of out of things to say, but for reals this time. Oh yeah, it has WiFi stuff now, which is great (makes trading way easier), but playing over the internet can kind of be a pain unless you have your friend's Friend Code and you both perfectly synchronize when you want to hang out. Also all the trades up for grabs online are horrible, so make sure you trade with someone you know.

You can also import all your pokemon in your pokemon storage from either Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald or LeafGreen/FireRed, but only if you have one of the DSes that is GBA backwards compatible, and only after you beat the game. Which is a cool touch. 

There are a few nice touches, like reflections and weather changes

The day/night cycle is also back (finally!) using the DS's internal clock to determine what time it is in the game world. Also the story in this game (despite starting off exactly the same as all other Pokemon games) is actually pretty interesting and ends in an epic clash between two god pokemon. I guess that's cool, even if it's still just "kill these evil guys, catch the best pokemon."

The music is mediocre. I can't think of any track that stands out, except one. But man...that song...is so good. So (tangent) the champion of this game (aka the final boss) is actually a girl this time, which is great because this world seems to be predominantly male when it comes to good trainers, and all the girls catch "cute" crap like Marills or Togapis and get crushed in battle. Cynthia (the champion) is one of the hardest in the series, and her final boss song is incredible. Seriously, it's probably my favorite battle song (maybe even my favorite song) in the entire series. Really good stuff. 

Seriously, this song deserved a better game. 

I'll say it again: this isn't a bad game. It's still fundamentally Pokemon, which means it's still addicting and very solid at its core. While the new pokemon look stupid there are a few unique type combinations among them, and the whole "Gotta Catch 'Em All" thing kicks in pretty quick despite me wanting to hate this game. It's just a disappointment because it could have been so much better. It's been thirteen years, Nintendo. It's time to do something crazy with this series.

Besides just adding a bunch more pokemon. 

I was going to give it two out of five stars, but after listening to Cynthia's song and looking at that picture of the ADORABLE Turtwig my hate-filled heart of darkness was filled with light and I decided three out of five was ok, I guess. But I will stil recommend any other Pokemon game in existence (except maybe Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald) over this one. It just...isn't the best. 

And yes, I own a plush Turtwig. Awww. 

Pokemon FireRed/LeafGreen

Pokemon FireRed/LeafGreen Versions

The Short


Pros
- Completely remakes the first Pokemon generation with added features
- Includes all features introduced in Generation II and III, such as abilities, breeding, held items, etc.
- Streamlined interface improves over both original and Ruby/Sapphire
- Can catch pokemon from all other generations after beating the game
- Included (when new) a wireless transmitter to trade/battle wirelessly on your GBA
- Improved music and graphics look and sound fantastic
- Tweaks in the story make Team Rocket more integrated into the overall plot

Cons
- Essentially the same game as Blue/Red, just refined
- Doesn't introduce any new pokemon
- No day/night cycle
- Unlike Yellow (which they didn't remake; boo!) you can't get every starter
- Doesn't change the formula at all, which can be good or bad depending on your opinion of the series

I ain't gonna stop. 

Note: I will not be going over the basic mechanics of the Pokemon games in this review, as I have covered these mechanics extensively in my Pokemon Blue/Red review. Instead, all subsequent reviews will instead focus on the changes made to the formula in any particular iteration. 

The Long

We've made it to 2004. It's been a while since that original pokemon game came out in the US in 1998 (1996 in Japan), nearly a whole decade in fact. So what better way to celebrate than by remaking and re-releasing the original generation on GBA hardware? Dude, why not? After how much I was disappointed by Ruby/Sapphire, I was more than ready for a new Pokemon game. And guess what? Nostalgia be damned, I really liked Pokemon LeafGreen/FireRed.

Ah, Professor Oak. It's been a while. 

It's hard to say why this game was made. Part of me wants to think its for the fans, who had been playing Pokemon for ten years and were clamoring to see their original love done modern. Part of me thinks it's to make a cash-grab by releasing another Pokemon game without having to do much additional work. And part of me thinks they are trying to ensnare a new generation of kids to play Pokemon, and figured the best way was to go back to the original magic and let it do its thing.

In truth, it's probably some combination of all three of these things. But hey, as long as I know I'm being pandered to, it's ok for me to like it, right? The Scott Pilgrim philosophy? Guys?

SQUIRTLE I MISSED YOU. 

The concept behind FireRed/LeafGreen is simple: it's the original Blue/Red (and Green in Japan) games remade with improved graphics, all the new features that have been added to Pokemon, and some extra bonus content. Because of this, there isn't much I can say about it that hasn't already been said in other reviews. If you like Pokemon, this game is a dream come true. You get to pal around with old favorites like Pidgy, Ratatta, Pikachu, Caterpie, and all the rest of 'em as you still try to "Catch 'em All" with the original 150 pokemon. Yes, I'd like to do that very much, thanks.

It's running on the same Ruby/Sapphire engine, though the Pokemon themselves have a better art design

There are a few minor changes aside from backwards-implementing everything new into the original games' frameworks. Team Rocket, the original antagonists, have been given a slightly bigger role on the game's story. After you beat the game there's much more stuff to do, like travel to different islands and catch the legendary birds (which I guess you could do before), and the Elite Four will get "upgraded" with pokemon from newer generations after you do enough side missions. Double battles from Ruby/Sapphire are back, and as a whole it just feels...better. I mentioned the original game hasn't aged well (and it hasn't), but this goes a long way to fixing that. With the addition of all the new features, FireRed/LeafGreen plays more like a modern game (see the EXP bar in the screenshot? That's right.), but it also shows how well the formula had held up. Pokemon doesn't need gimmicks like a stupid fashion show or any crap like that. We just need to battle, catch, and level pokemon until we are the pokemon master. And breed. Lots of breeding.

That sounds really bad, in retrospect. 

There are a few noticeable absences from FireRed/LeafGreen though, specifically the fact that the day/night cycle still hasn't made its return since Gold/Silver. What the crap, Nintendo? That was like...my favorite feature! How the crap will I ever get an Umbreon if I can't level up my Eevee at night ever since night doesn't exist here for some reason? Your whole GBA lineup sucked in terms of realism. 

Yes, I'm again arguing for realism in a Pokemon game. Shut up. 

So, if this game is pretty much just a remake of Blue/Red but set in the Ruby/Sapphire era of the game, why do I like it when I didn't like Ruby/Sapphire nearly as much? Well, first it's that nostalgia thing, which Nintendo knew full well and is why they made this. I have great memories of playing Pokemon on the GBC, murderin' dudes with my Bulbasaur (and later Squirtle, when I realized Bulbasaur sucks), and because of that I'm willing to overlook the stupid things Ruby/Sapphire did in lieu of playing my first Pokemon experience over again.

Second is because this game is better. A lot better. Graphics look better (battle backgrounds are greatly improved), the world itself is more vibrant and clean, sprites (which were stupid tiny in Ruby/Sapphire) are bigger and better, the pokemon themselves are cooler-looking and not stupid, the list goes on. 

The music has also seen a boost up from the original tinny Game Boy sounds, though I'll admit the originals have a certain flavor that these remakes can't seem to quite recreate. They kind of go crazy on the "wah wah" horns for this remake for whatever reason, which sounds...weird. But hey, the original songs were all killer, so it's all good. 

WELCOME TO A WORLD OF POCKET MONSTERS

As it stands, if you liked Red/Blue, you'll love this. If you've never played Pokemon before and only own a GBA and not a DS, this is probably your best jumping-off point available (rather than Ruby/Sapphire). It manages to capture that same adventurous magic that made the first game great, while updating it with modern game design to keep things fun.

It doesn't do much to add anything to the pre-existing Pokemon formula, but I still think it works. Since Ruby/Sapphire didn't really live up to the full potential of the changes it made, FireRed/LeafGreen stepped up and filled in just nicely. It would have been nice to see a few more upgrades or changes, but I guess we'll have to wait until entering the DS generation to see if Nintendo finally switches up the formula on us.

An excellent remake (though it was dwarfed completely and utterly by another remake on the DS, but we'll get to that) and a competent Pokemon game. Four out of five. 

Except you jerks should have made ElectricYellow too.

I'm sorry, Pikachu. It was not to be.