Portal 2

The Short


Pros
- Returns to the world of Portal with more crazy puzzles and added mechanics
- Somehow manages to take the 2-3 hour charm of the first game and reinvent and reinvigorate it for a 6-8 hour experience
- The new character Wheatley is one of the funniest in games, and plays an excellent foil to the stoic GlaDOS
- Surprising emphasis on specific story plot elements as well as setpieces could have gone very, very wrong, but it didn't
- I think that between Cave Johnson (the old Aperture founder) and Wheatley, this might have the best script of any game I've ever played
- New puzzle mechanics are fun and mesh well with the portal gun's previous abilities
- Full-fledged co-op mode injects the same goofy humor and difficult puzzle solving into a two-player experience
- Excellent soundtrack
- Has the single best ending to a video game, ever. Hands down. No argument.

Cons
- A few of the middle act's sections ("Old Aperture") drag, falling into the "find the one thing that a portal can stick to and go that way"
- Wheatley can take a bit to warm up to considering how chatty he is, but given time and he's just as endearing as the rest of them
- A few of the jokes and plot points feel a bit forced (the "Potato" thing)
- Some puzzles are downright...well, puzzling. You could easily get stuck for great lengths of time.
- This game really needed more Cave Johnson. Every game needs more Cave Johnson.

How do you create a sequel to a sleeper hit that doesn't piss everybody off?

The Long

I'll admit, I had my doubts about Portal 2, all the way down to when I was playing it on my PS3 the day of release. I (like the rest of the world) loved the crap out of Portal, but felt something about its magic was the fact that it was 1. Short and 2. Perfect. It didn't try to stretch the experience out, which worked wonders to its benefit. The portal gun mechanic was well suited for a 2-3 hour game but anything beyond that and it would start to feel like it was dragging (and it was actually starting to drag at the end of Portal, which makes it a good thing they ended it where they did).

So when they announced a full retail sequel, longer bigger and bolder, I was genuinely concerned with whether or not this game would work. After all, one of the biggest things Portal had going for it (aside from being perfect) was the fact that it was a complete surprise. Nobody expected anything that happened in that game, all the way down to its surging popularity. Portal 2 was slated to be a huge release for Valve, and we already knew GlaDOS was going to come back in it and be evil and all that...what could they add? Could they really succeed in doing the impossible: making a sequel to Portal?

The answer? Yes. In fact, while I'm not going to say the experiences are the same, I will say that on my personal list of favorite games I now rank Portal 2 higher than Portal. Yes, I went there.

I can stand and watch this turret creation animation for hours. 

Where do I even begin with Portal 2? Well, let's first hit the elephant in the room: the story. Portal's story worked well because it was a slow build and escalation paired with a lot of unknowns that were never answered. Who wrote all those messages in the walls? What exactly happened that lead to GlaDOS flooding the science facility with a deadly neurotoxin? Are there any other people around now? Why does she keep testing when everybody is dead? What is the meaning of life?

Portal took care to take a step back and only answer that which was completely necessary to your personal story and that was it. It was an excellent example of storytelling restraint, something most video games just hamfist and blast you full of expository dialogue to get the point across. This ambiguity works for a shorter, tighter experience, but it was clear from the get-go that Portal 2 was going to be longer. So...what changed?

Well, lots. The whole tone of the story has taken a slight shift. Not for the worse, mind you, but to adapt to its new length. There are actual character this time that interact with you, some on a fairly regular basis and on a personal level. There's also an actual story rather than just hints at something bigger, and through this personal story the broader questions get addressed and several (but not all) get answered. It's a shift not in style (as it still feels very much like the first Portal game) but simply adaptation to fit its new length. 

Run to freedom! Nothing bad will happen!

It works, and it actually works better than in Portal, for this reason: Portal was well written, yes. But 90% of that game's script could work in a vacuum separate from the rest of the game and still be clever writing and funny jokes. Yes, it works better within the scope of Portal, but there's obviously a slight disconnect there. Which, for a short game, works.

Portal 2 feels like a tighter knit experience, like the story and the game just fit together and flow better together. It still somehow manages to have very little filler despite being a full length game, with you rarely going for more than 10-15 minutes without either funny dialogue or a story element (though I'll admit the story sort of gets put on pause for the middle section of the game, where it should have been the strongest). It's a combination fake history lesson, character interaction, and answering questions from both games, and it works. I really, really feel like Portal 2 is better written that Portal, if only because of the reason I said above: Portal exists in its own la-la land. Portal 2 feels more intentional, and thus more concrete. 

Plus there is only one cake joke in the whole game, and this is it. Good job showing restraint, Valve. 

I think I need to make note of the characters in the game, because there actually are characters that you interact with this time around. GlaDOS is back, obviously, and her passive aggressive hatred of you produces some of the best lines in the game ("Test results are back. Let's see...'You are a horrible person.' That's what it says. We weren't even testing for that."). Playing foil to GlaDOS's irrational hatred and general genius meanness is Wheatley, a little robot orb with a British accent who is either brilliant or a total fool (usually the latter). However, since he's your only ally you have to tolerate him, and the way the story weaves bot Wheatley and GlaDOS's fates together is ingenious. There's also an underlying message here about power corrupting, but I won't go into that.

There is a hefty amount of in-game foreshadowing to the story, for those willing to pause and look at the scenery. 

During the second half of the game you spend a good deal of time in "old" Aperture, remnants of the building in the 70s, and there you get to hear the voice-over of Cave Johnson, who apparently left old recordings lying around old test chambers. Considering during these parts you've gotten somewhat separated from Wheatley and GlaDOS, Cave does a superb job keeping the interesting history of Aperture hilarious while still being relevant to the main conflict. While the traversal in these areas gets a bit cumbersome, I was willing to forge through because Cave is so funny (voiced by J.K. Simmons, famous angry boss of Spider-Man), and his side story going on through dialogue snippets is also quite interesting. 

Though I will say the third act is easily the best act of the game. A culmination of the previous Portal game, all the Cave Johnson backstory, and the main conflict of Portal 2 results in some difficult puzzles, shocking reveals, and some downright clever writing. The ending in particular, from the final boss to the final credit, is absolutely ludicrous, hilarious, and heart-wrenching. They somehow manage to tug on most of the heartstrings while still being loyal to the humor, which is commendable. 

As I said, I think Portal 2's story is better than Portal's. I also think Portal 2 might be my favorite game in terms of story. Yeah, even more than Nier. It is really quite something.

Now on to the actual gameplay.

So the story is good. Wipe that anxious sweat from your brow and breathe a sigh of relief; they didn't ruin Portal. So now, what about the rest of the game? What about the puzzles? 

Well, as I mentioned before, Portal was exactly the right length because 2-3 hours is about the time you start getting a little tired of using one mechanic to solve everything without much mixup. Valve clearly got this, because it only has you doing vanilla portal puzzles for about an hour before it starts throwing new mechanics in.

The mechanics fit the area you are in. Early on you get laser light boxes, which thankfully replace those annoying bouncing balls that can kill you from the first game. They can also fry turrets, which is a bonus, and have to be refracted in certain ways to solve puzzles.

Then you get to the gels, and things go bananas. 

But the star of the new mechanics are the gels. Showing up in Old Aperture, they come in three types: blue (bouncy), orange (speedy), and white (moon rocks, which lets you put a portal on anything they cover). These lead to the best, most complicated puzzles in the game, and since you can chain them together and then mix them with portals to do some devious physics puzzles, Old Aperture is both the hardest and the most satisfying section of the game. 

There are a few more things added at the end that I personally think should have been put in sooner to keep things fresher earlier, such as the light-bridges, but I guess they added the bouncing platforms and some other things early so maybe I'm just talking out my butt. The point is: all the new mechanics play very well with the portal gun's established ruleset, and if you thought the puzzles from Portal were clever than these ones are going to blow your mind.

Unfortunately, traversing Old Aperture isn't nearly as fun as the test chambers or listening to Cave Johnson.

It isn't all fun and sunshine, though, as Portal 2 does have a few (if minor) problems. The biggest one is the traversal during the second act. During the first and final acts the game streamlines you from one test chamber to another, which I will admit is a kind of boring and linear way to progress but hey: it gets me to the good stuff quicker, so I'll take it. However, during the Old Aperture part somebody was playing Portal and went (essentially):

"Hey! Remember at the end of Portal when things started to get frustrating? Like, where there was only a limited number of things you could shoot with your gun so the whole game turned into a 'find the one white square' instead of an actual puzzler? What if we did that in the second game, but made it bigger?"

Then instead of punching him in the face they did what he said, which was a mistake. It isn't all bad during this section; some areas force you to use gels from previous test chambers (using portals to get it out into the "real world") to aid your traversal, which is clever. But for the most part it's just seeing a far away light source gleaming on a white area, shooting a portal there, continuing. It isn't particularly interesting and, when put alongside the excellent puzzles especially in this area of the game, comes off as *gasp* padding the game's length.

Cave would fire you all for this. 

There are a few more minor niggles, mostly pertaining still to the second section. The plot "twist" during this part is interesting but leaves you in long sections not talking to anybody, which shouldn't be the case considering the circumstances you are put into. The whole "Caroline" thing seemed a bit tacked on, though the resolution of it at the end of the game was absolutely perfect and I have to applaud Valve for breaking cliche. The pacing of the second section also feels more like a stretched out Portal rather than the fine-tuned, stuff happening constantly feel of parts one and three of Portal 2. I think they were hoping that the uniqueness and silly aesthetic/history of the second area would be enough to pull us through (having a "quiet" section of the game) but you can't put the quiet section right after a crazy plot twist and two-three hours of no quite, ever. If your game is designed to be a laugh a minute thrill ride, then you can't have everybody sitting around for several hours, no matter how funny Cave Johnson is. I think it's because the blend is off: in every other section you have both brilliant story and awesome puzzles. This one you are either solving an awesome puzzle in silence or listening to a brilliant story, not both at the same time. It hurts the pacing, which is unfortunate given how great the rest of the game is. 

Just...dammit, Wheatley, you are too funny. 

I feel I should briefly mention the excellent co-op mode. In it, you and a friend run around and basically try to ruin each other's lives and occasionally solve puzzles. It's a completely standalone story from the single player (I think it takes place...after the main story? Maybe?) and while the story itself isn't particularly enthralling, GlaDOS is there insulting you and trying to pit the two of you against each other (usually by giving "points" to the more abusive player) which is hilariously entertaining. The puzzles are also some of the hardest in the game, employing all the new mechanics picked up on the single player but with four portals to deal with now. Yes, you each have your own set of portals, which means some of the puzzles get fiendishly difficult. It's a good time and surprisingly long, clocking in at another 5-6 hours, and if you are the kind of person who thinks Portal 2 should cut back on its story and be more like Portal's "story" of GlaDOS insulting you while you solve tons of puzzles, than co-op is exactly where you want to be. 

The soundtrack is unique, and has a great feel to it. 

I also think the soundtrack earns a mention. In the first game it was mostly background nose, but in Portal 2 it manages to be both background noise and very memorable. Every section has its own sound to it, meaning when you head back to regular Aperture at the end and the music has a tonal shift it feels like going home. The music does well as helping you feel what you need to feel during the story bits, which is essentially what music in games should do, so...good work. Plus it sounds pretty awesome to boot. 

If you haven't figured it out, I really like Portal 2

Many people said 2007 was the best year for gaming ever. And yeah, it was pretty great. But man...2011 was something else. Which says something when I think that Portal 2 might be my personal favorite game of 2011. Yeah, even alongside Skyrim, Dead Space 2, and all those other awesome games...I still think Portal 2 shines above the rest as an excellent example of what games can become. It goes to prove you don't need dark, gritty realism or blood and killing to be excellent. You can take one clever mechanic and, when paired with excellent writing and a few switchups, make a game that is far more memorable than any of those other gray shooters. It sets a precedent, one that probably will be completely ignored by other big game companies, that being clever and making sure all the elements work can produce something that transcends sales numbers: you can make something people won't forget.

Plus...that ending. Man, it's just...it is so good. Go play Portal 2. You have to. I command it. 

Five out of five stars. 

Yay!

Portal

The Short


Pros
- Clever hybrid of FPS mechanics in a well-designed physics puzzler
- Excellent puzzles throughout, with several genuinely brainteasing ones
- Some of the best writing in video games
- Short and sweet, with the option to play user-created puzzles to enhance your post-game experience
- An excellent hybrid of story, graphics, and gameplay that makes it both unique yet familiar
- Regarded by many as the greatest game ever made

Cons
- Any and all bonus puzzles are missing the story element, which is a main draw
- Lengthy intro tutorial can be tedious on repeat playthroughs
- Ending 1/4 can resort to "find the one object I can put a portal on"
- Spawned some awful internet memes we still can't get over

Unlike most of my other reviews, this one almost seems redundant

The Long


How do you review Portal? By this point in the game, I'm fairly certain anyone who has even a remotely serious interest in video games has played it or at least heard of it, and knows already of its quality. But since it is my goal to review every game I've ever played, let's talk about Portal for a bit and why it is such an excellent game. And why, if you haven't played it, you really need to fix that ASAP.

Portal was a pack-in with The Orange Box, a 2007 collection of all of Valve's best game as well as a few new ones. The pack already had the transcendental Half Life 2, as well as the two Episodes to follow. Team Fortress 2, the cartoony follow-up to Team Fortress, was also a big push (and is still a massive PC shooter to this day, probably the most popular PC shooter). Then we had this other game...Portal. How did that get in there? I remember my roommates talking about it but having no incentive to play it. The concept seemed cool enough I guess, but you don't shoot or kill anything and Valve was hardly pushing it so...why waste time on a pack-in?

It wasn't until I saw my friend playing through the last few test chambers that I realized I couldn't stop watching. And if I kept watching I'd spoil my experience of playing Portal, as a puzzler is only as good if you don't know all the answers. So I booted it up and proceeded to ditch all my college classes to burn through it the first time. And man...I was impressed.

Who needs school when you can think in portals?

Portal was (and still is) a complete package. There are three fundamental elements that (I think) make Portal special. 1. Its clever writing and script, that starts off as just background noise and quickly evolves into its own beast. 2. Its unique premise and game mechanic: the titular "portals," which follow the laws of physics and force you to think according to their twisted logic 3. It's briefness and dedication to creating a whole, complete experience without attempting to pad the length. In these three aspects, one could arguably compare it to Braid (or compare Braid to Portal rather, seeing as Portal came first) seeing as everything just pulls together perfectly. It makes an experience that is - again - a bit short, but the quality of those several hours you'll spend with it are so memorable you'll want to replay it again just to catch things you might have missed. That, in a nutshell, is a sign of an excellent game: wanting to go back and play it again immediately after beating it. Added bonus that it's a puzzle game, so you'll already know all the solutions if you run through it again. And still don't care.

This screenshot is a spoiler. 

So anyway, what do you do in Portal? If you've somehow managed to avoid any knowledge of this blockbuster game, here's the gist: you shoot portals. Portals allow instant transport from one location to another. Put one portal next to you and another across a pool of acid, then just walk through and you'll be on the other side. The trick comes in momentum and physics: jump down from a high height into a portal on the floor, and you'll go flying out sideways through one on the wall (over obstacles, etc.). It's a simple mechanic (one that is added upon with buttons, boxes, and dangerous turrets) that carries the whole game through. Aside from a rather long tutorial at the beginning, most puzzles are presented without hint or explanation, meaning you'll have to get your thinking cap on from the get-go.

Portal would have just been another puzzler with a unique mechanic if they hadn't gone all out and injected a hefty dose of personality into the game. What do I mean? I mean having the killer death-turrets say silly and polite things in high-pitched robot voices at you while they try to kill you (or when you kill them by knocking them over). I mean having a persistent voice-over by a malevolent female robot voice that starts off friendly enough but quickly devolves into a malicious AI. Add hidden secrets for those who look, hints that things might not be all they seem. Add hints that there should be a story here, but it's buried so deep under the whole "testing" premise (and since you are technically trapped regardless) you as a player will have to imagine or straight up fabricate your own perceived backstory. Cap it off with a final confrontation that manages to be both hilarious and intimidating, and an ending song that is somehow both extremely out of place yet fits in perfectly. 

The phrase that spawned a thousand memes

It's the combination of the little things that make Portal great, and the fact that they all synergize so wonderfully together. To be completely honest, I think Valve did it completely on accident. Reading the background on how Portal was designed, they actually didn't spend as much time working on it as many people think, and I'm willing to bet a lot of the humor and the game's most endearing moments were crafted that way accidentally. You certainly don't plan a sleeper hit.

Regardless, that's why Portal is great: it doesn't strive to be anything aside from a cute, quirky puzzler dedicated to its aesthetic, script, and theme. And since you rarely get a game these days that does every aspect right (the story, the script, the gameplay, the unifying aesthetic) everybody latched onto it and it got massive amounts of (rightful) praise. It's one part gameplay puzzler, one part a piece of hilarious entertainment, and one part just an experience. It's a ride worth taking multiple times to find all the secrets and clever little things they added in. It goes to show that you don't need a big budget or killer graphics to create something people love, you just need to put a little heart into it. 

Cake optional. 

As it stands, I could gush about Portal all day, but the point is this: it is exactly as phenomenal as everybody has been saying since 2007. Yes, really. And if you play video games and haven't played Portal, than shame on you. It's a short experience (maybe 2-3 hours on a first playthrough, more if you really suck at puzzles) but an excellent one, one that will stick with you for a while to follow. Plus, if anything, then you can play the (arguably better, though for different reasons) Portal 2 without fear of not getting it.

So this review did end up being kind of pointless. Whatever. Portal is great. It is, again, an excellent example of how the little things in a game (or almost any media) can all work together to create something fantastic. So go play it and enjoy the ride. Or go play it again. Just...play it. You really should.

Considering Valve has literally given this game away on PC multiple times, you really don't have any excuses here. On XBLA you can get it and some bonus puzzles for $10, but considering the low system specs and ability to download puzzles, the PC is the way to go. 

Easy five out of five stars. Excellent game.

And of course this is gonna show up now. 

Week in Review for 4/1/2012 - Contest Winners

First off, as you can guess I've been extremely ill all week, so I took a break from reviews. Don't worry; we'll be back to 1-2 a day (or more) as is usual this upcoming week. For now, however, we just had 3 reviews this week. Not great, but better than nothing I suppose.

Second off is the important stuff: the winners of last week's contest! I took all your registrations/shares and figured it out via a random number generator, and here are the winners:

1. divinemango
2. Xeiphyer (GiantBomb)
3. Cipher Peon

Congrats! I've already contacted divinemango over Twitter. Please note you have 48 hours to respond (until Tuesday, essentially) or I'm bumping #2 to #1 and redrawing a new person. So if you get a tweet or an IM, please respond! I'll let you know what games are available.

Here is this week's limited run of reviews.

Space Marine - 4 / 5 Stars
Kirby's Epic Yarn - 4 / 5 Stars
Fable - 5 / 5 Stars

The current best bet for next week with regard to theme is that I'm going to try and review all the Valve games on my list. I might tack some Blizzard on there since those two companies tend to go hand in hand in terms of fans loving them.

That's it from me. Expect a better next week! No foolin!

Fable

The Short


Pros
- Excellent RPG taking you from boy to man in the shoes of a Hero
- Spec out three separate spheres - magic, ranged, and melee - based on how you use them
- Moral choices and freedom let you shape your character and the world
- Tons of options available, from tattoos to hairstyles to clothing and armor
- Action-RPG combat system that has a surprisingly decent melee and a fun ranged system
- Game looks great, sounds great, and really sucks you in

Cons
- Doesn't fulfill even a sliver of the promises made by Peter Molyneux, aka the biggest gaming liar ever
- Despite having tons of depth, all of your character interactions are stale and shallow
- Story is stupid nonsense with a bland payoff
- Load times are so, so so so long.
- Lots of little dumb problems that probably sounded like good ideas on paper get annoying quick
- Really easy
- Magic sucks except Time Slow, which is overpowered insanity
- Can't play as a girl
- Where my acorn, Molyneux? WHERE'S MY ACORN?

Off on an adventure (all screenshots from the PC version)

The Long

Believe it or not, there was once a time I didn't waste my days submerged in video game news and information, and because of this I missed all the hype spouted by Peter Molyneux about this game until after the fact. I remember my roommate and neighbors at the time were super excited about this game coming out on Xbox my freshman year of college, and I have no idea what they were talking about. When the game finally did show up, some were disappointed, some were elated, and some didn't care. I gave the game a run-through on my roommate's Xbox and guess what? Having literally no idea what this game was and with no expectations, I loved the crap out of it. Fable is a game series that has always done well in immersing you into a massive, sprawling world that you feel you are really a part of. But while the sequels kept trying to capture the magic of the original while piling on more and more of Molyneux's broken promises, I still feel the very first Fable is the best game in the series, and a must for any action RPG fan to play. And here is why. 

First, you can look like this! 

Fable's story is nothing to write home about. Essentially "Hogwarts, but replace 'wizards and witches' with 'heroes,'" Fable stars YOU! Yes, YOU! A young hero boy, who only wanted to buy his sister a nice present before douchebag bandits showed up and murdered everybody! Luckily some hero wizard guy shows up and, rather than showing up ten seconds earlier and saving everybody, he shows up later and says "tough deal about your family. But YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY!" and off you go to Albion's School of Heroism and Really Big Swords. Where you know it's racially diverse because there are two black people in the whole world. But that isn't the point.

Anyway, there's some story arc revolving around your mom and sister still being alive, and Jack of Blades being a big bad...person for some reason and you have to kill him before he ruins Hogwarts, and...ok, the story is stupid. Luckily for you, the little side stories (and all the voice work) is excellently done so you'll have a much funner time just running around messing with people than doing the actual story. It's weak, unmemorable, but also isn't particularly important for games like these (where you are supposed to be telling your own story), so I'll give it a C- but let it pass the class. This time. 

And here is the headmaster, Dumb...er, Bumblebore!

The story is just a setting to say: "You have to help people, or you can be a massive jerk to them, or both. Also: magic." The actual game in Fable is pretty simple. You have three schools of combat to work with: physical (being melee), agility (being shooting stuff with bows), and magic (being...magic). What is cool about how this system works is that every time you kill an enemy you get both general XP as well as a bonus XP based on how you killed them. If you bashed them a lot with a sword you get red Physical XP, shot them a lot you get yellow Agility XP, etc. General XP can be spent anywhere, while the specialized have to be used in their specific tree. Meaning the more you use one type of sphere, the better you get at it, though it's still easy to multi-class as you just have to start using a sword more to get XP for that specific area. It's something Oblivion did like crap and Skyrim did really well, so it's good to see Fable streamlining it to a point that it works almost perfectly (even if it is a bit too easy).

But aside from that, the real fun in Fable comes from the simple idea of just messing around and making your person exactly the way you want to. Fable was one of the first games of recent generations to really push the whole "Morality System" thing that now stinks up every game that seems to come out, though it did so in such a comical and over-blown way that I'm willing to forgive Fable for starting this trend. Basically you have a bunch of options in Fable. Want to give money to people and be their friends? You can do that. Want to murder everybody in town and steal all their stuff? You can do that too. Want to sacrifice people to some demi-god of darkness and get the best bow way early in the game? Do it. Want to be a pansy nice guy and donate all your hard-earned money to charity? You can do that too. The point is that everything you do adds either good or evil points to a slider, and where that slider stands can influence many aspects of the game.

Oh crap, I forgot to talk about combat. We'll get to it.

Be really good and people will love you, you'll glow with inward goodness, have a halo, and butterflies will flutter around your pristine hairline. If you are evil you'll bald, giant horns will pop out of your head, your eyes will burn red, flies will buzz around you, and the ground beneath your feet will burn. So yeah, pretty stark contrast. It honestly doesn't do much aside from make you look weird (and have people run away from you); the overarching "story" doesn't have any influence and nobody seems to care if you are evil or not except nondescript NPCs, but it's a nice artistic touch.

Anyway, let's go back to the combat, which is actually pretty simple. Melee is usually just button mashing, though if enemies block you can instigate a guard-block break move when you combo enough (also a knockdown move) to keep it busy. Archery requires you to pull the bow back (the time of which can be decreased with level-ups) and then fire for maximum damage. And magic...well, it sucks, to be honest. It's never particularly powerful and most spells are useless, except Time Slow, which is the biggest hack in the world. So just learn that one. 

Combat is extremely easy, especially if you play an archer and know where to get the best bow in the game on like the third mission. There's also no penalty to wearing heavy armor vs light robes, meaning you should always wear heavy armor all the time. There's also no real stealth in this game, which is too bad, since I wanted to make a ninja. Basically the combat is fun but not particularly challenging, and if you stock up enough on potions you'll make it through the whole game without dying. 

You can augment weapons with certain runes, ala Diablo II 

Back to the random crap: there's lots to do. Getting married, buying shops, cutting your hair, getting tattoos, getting scars if you suck at fighting and take a lot of hits, doing random quests; the list goes on. What actually matters is this: I felt immersed in the world. Yes, it's really just a string of different areas linked together with awful load times, and yes it is actually a very limiting world once you dig deep (again, no stealth system, etc.) but I didn't care. I got connected to my character in ways few games do. Being able to provide so many levels of customization made me attached, and the fact that the camera stays close behind helped me always keep an eye on him. I wanted him to be the most evil bastard Albion had ever seen, and I dressed him accordingly and slaughtered everybody with awesomeness. I really felt like I made the guy I wanted to make for the first time in any video game, and it was an experience.

And you stab lots of guys

I could go on, but I think I covered it enough for now. The point is thus: Fable is a fine game if you go in with moderate expectations. Is it flawed? Yes. Did it totally fail to live up to the expectations? Yes. But as a game it's fun, quick, and sucks you into its world. Which is more than enough for me.

Graphically this game looks really good on both original Xbox and especially good on PC, even now. The game is colorful and flashy, with character models that have a cartoony British flare that has since become a theme of the series. Sounds are also fantastic, with excellent voice acting all around, though I wish your character spoke some time. 

Now go forth and fish!

I can't say much for where this series went - Fable II was ok and Fable III was an abomination - but I still have a good deal of fondness for Fable. Something about it really resonates with me (and most of my friends, based on their opinions) so much so that I'll go back and replay it every couple of years. If you enjoy action RPGs where you "forge your own destiny," than you really owe it to yourself to check out Fable. Though if you do be sure and grab Fable: The Lost Chapters; it has an expanded ending as well as some more weapons. 

And while I still say it's flawed, I really think everybody should play Fable. There's something in it for everyone.

Five out of five stars. 

Yay for Fable!

Kirby's Epic Yarn

The Short


Pros
- Vibrant, charming adventure starring Kirby in Yarn World
- Simple 2D platformer across several varying worlds of adventure
- Kirby transforms into zany stuff at set intervals to mix up the gameplay
- Despite not having his trademark eating, still feels like a Kirby game
- Graphics and yarn aesthetic do a lot to sell the presentation
- Handful of secret levels to unlock and an apartment to furnish
- Music is pretty mellow and stuff
- Two-player co-op
- Excellent game for children

Cons
- Extremely easy; it is impossible to die
- Co-op suffers from the same issue as New Super Mario Bros Wii in that you can shove people off cliffs, pick them up and kill them on accident, etc.
- Despite being easy, it can get frustrating when you get hit and lose all your beats, especially in co-op
- Very, very short
- Kirby and Prince Fluff's voices are supposed to be cute, but they are more likely to make you want to put a cheese grater to your ears
- A bit too simple of a platformer; there's never any real dexterous challenge or build up to something harder

This is Kirby. And yes, he is made of yarn. 

The Long

Kirby's Epic Yarn is pretty damn adorable. To quote Alex from GiantBomb,"It makes me angry how f***ing much I enjoy this game!" Everything else aside, Kirby's Epic Yarn has an art style that is unique, endearing, and just straight up clever. Yeah, you could argue they aped a bit from Little Big Planet's "scrapbook" look, but while that was kind of a weird mishmash, Kirby knows what it wants and is dedicated to it. Kirby is made of yarn. In yarn world. Where even the water is cloth. Yeah. It's nuts.

AND REALLY ADORABLE URGH WHY.

Anyway, um, there was supposed to be a review here, so let's get to it. I played this whole game with my wife co-op, by the way, so if you want to see her opinion on the game she reviewed it on her blog as well, so check it out.

Clothing it up with a yarn monkey

So there's a story I guess...Kirby is sucked into Yarn Land for a reason and he's tasked with finding magic yarn for other reasons. The story is narrated as a slow-as-a-snail pace for the kiddies by an overly exaggerated excited narrator, which meant I skipped all of it. So if there was some extreme plot twist where Prince Fluff ended up being Kirby's dad or something I missed it. Sorry. You'll have to play it yourself. 

My version of the plot was: tear up every yarn thing, pull ever tab, and wreck everything until I got til the end with all the beads. Which worked out pretty good.

Since Kirby is made out of yarn and therefore is just a connected string, his trademark power to eat stuff and steal their abilities is oddly absent from this outing (making me wonder if this actually counts as a Kirby game). Instead you have the power to grab stuff and either kill it, or wrap it up and then lob it at other stuff. Pretty simple. 90% of enemies, regardless of size, can be grabbed, and if they can't than you can throw stuff at them or "butt-stomp" them to death easily enough. 

Pull zippers to dramatically change the landscape in real time! Call of Duty's got nothin on this!

It's a pretty simple platformer. You have a parachute hover (which of course means one thing: air vents in future levels). You have a butt-slam. You can double tap to go faster. Each movement is accompanied by a little yarn transformation, which is a cute touch. In fact, 90% of what sells this game is the cute touches. As seen from screenshots, you pull tabs to remove fabric, pull zippers to change landscapes, "unwind" from time to time to fit in small gaps, etc. It's all still like "Baby's First Platformer" (at least until the harder levels), but I'm fine with that.

You also can turn into some pretty awesome stuff and spread ruination to your enemies (who many of which can't even hurt you; seriously, you can jump all over them and ram into them and they just hang out. Ok.). These include miners, dolphins, UFOs (my favorite, since you "abduct" hapless enemies), a car, a surfer, and a giant robot hell-bent on one goal: global nuclear meltdown. 

Doom Robot Kirby ain't taking your bullcrap.

The "this is a kid's game" is only further accented by the fact you can't die. Like, at all. We tried, trust me. If you get hit all the beats you've accumulated come flying from you like fleas off a dog, and if you get hit when you don't have any beads Kirby just sort of slumps over depressed until the enemy gives you a pat on the back and everybody feels better. Seriously, that's it. Fall off a cliff and an angel will save you every time, get hit by fire and he'll turn black and burned but end up ok, etc. It is impossible to lose at this game. Which is actually a good idea, since the lives idea in games is total bullcrap anyway, and it just makes the player waste time they shouldn't. While this might be a step too far...it's for kids. So it works.

The bosses look awesome and yarn...ish. 

There's a fair number of worlds, with the final one (a yarned-up Dream Land from other Kirby games) easily being the standout, but they cover all their basics. You have your starting green fields, a fire/egyption one, a "Treat Land" which I pointed out over and over only has one level devoted to food (and no yodeling bass chef. Point for the food level goes to Rayman Origins), one in ice because a fire and ice level are mandatory for platformers, a space level, and a water level (again, mandatory). It's your basic stuff, and while they don't really mix up the gameplay by any serious amount between levels, it's easy and the levels are quick enough that you don't care.

The game also has co-op, which is fun...to a point. My wife can attest that on both this and New Super Mario Bros Wii we kind of have marital problems because I'm a lot better at platformers than her, and when that happens in games where 1. You can shove people of cliffs on accident and 2. You often grab the wrong people on accident and 3. You share point (meaning if I get a bunch of points and my wife gets hit, all my beads go flying) this becomes a problem. It wasn't a problem in Rayman Origins (yes, I sing that game's praises every 2D platformer review now. Maybe because it's really good; shut up) because everybody collected their own crap, but being able to accidentally shove people, pick them up and throw them (which happens a lot on accident) and more makes co-op arguably more difficult than single player. Nintendo still doesn't know how to do co-op in their 2d platformers, which is too bad, but whatever; it's a kid's game. If you aren't such a bead-hording, score-seeking a-hole like me you'll probably get over it and have a lot of fun co-op. 

Throw your partner into the pit of flame. Just like you did to your Companion Cube. You Monster. 

So it's a simple, 2D platformer with co-op and a cloth aesthetic. Is there anything else? Well...sort of? After you beat a stage boss if you did well enough on said boss you'll unlock three bonus stages for each level, which gives replayability. After each world you are scored based on the amount of beads you have, with the goal being Gold, so if you are OCD that's another reason to go back. You can also find tons of secret furniture to adorn your yarny apartment (though once you get the Brontosaurus Slide in the dino worlds you don't need any other piece of furniture...ever) and you can cash in your points for new cloth, furniture, and play crappy minigames with other people in your apartment.

This sounds like a lot of content, but to be honest you'll probably burn through this whole game in 6-7 hours tops, adding maybe another to it if you want to clean up and find every object and get gold on every stage. It's a short experience, at least with two adults, though kids might get stuck on the harder levels and add some more playtime value. Either way you cut it, though, it's more about the ride than the length, so just don't expect it to be super long and you'll be ok. 

This game really looks good.

Despite not being in HD, Kirby's Epic Yarn looks amazing. It doesn't need to push pixel density or hefty graphics to fit its cute and cuddly fabric theme, and it's just so gosh darned cute you'll be willing to forgive just about any technical shortcoming. My only complaint is I wish they took it further at times. Zippers show up a lot at the beginning and disappear later, with a lot of levels just being regular platforming levels set on a fabric backdrop but not utilizing their unique setting. Still, it looks cute, and thus we will take it.

Music is all extremely slow, mellow, with a very heavy emphasis on piano. None of the tracks are memorable, to be honest, but the "chill" feel fits well with the game. The only exception are the Dream Land stages, where they take regular Kirby themes and apply this mellow feel to them. Green Greens, aka the best Kirby song, just sounds awesome. It's weird, considering how insanely frantic the original GB song is, how this version still works. 

It sounds especially good starting at 0:39

Sound effects are...there. Kirby and Prince Fluff's constant obnoxious, high-pitched squeals are great for kids but for a jaded twenty-something I wanted to find a way to turn them off. But hey, it all depends on your "Japan cuteness" tolerance, so if it's high than you are set. 

Cloth dinosaurs. Game of the Year. 

I'll say this pretty frankly: if you have kids and a Wii, you should own Kirby's Epic Yarn. Yeah, it might not be the hardest platformer or the longest one, but that's because you are an adult. They made other games for you (called Super Meat Boy or Rayman...I won't bring it up again, you know what I'm getting at), but rarely does anybody create a game so obviously tailored directly towards children. It's a charming, inoffensive romp that's both cute and accessible, and the co-op makes it great for kids to either play together or with a parent. 

All that being said, the fact that it's short and I want to strangle Prince Fluff everytime he makes a sounds has me suggest you pick up this game when it's $25 or below. Which I'm pretty sure it is right now, so you are set. 

Four out of five stars. 

UFO KIRBY WILL ABDUCT YOU MWHAHAHA

Space Marine

The Short


Pros
- Violent, bloody fun as a badass Space Marine from the Warhammer 40k universe
- Strange mix of third person shooting and a heavy emphasis on melee combat actually works
- Lack of a cover system or regenerating health (you have to execute enemies in cool ways to "heal") is a neat concept and keeps you in the action
- Lots and lots and lots and lots of Space Orks for you to dismember
- Multiplayer is surprisingly good, with the elements from the single player moving over nicely
- Excellent game to relieve stress; makes you feel way too powerful for you own good, ala The Darkness II.
- Looks and sounds fantastic
- Very loyal to the Warhammer 40k mythology and universe

Cons
- Single player drags on about an hour longer than it should
- You only fight Orks and (spoiler?) Chaos. There's like 80 jillion races in the Warhammer 40k universe, guys.
- While I enjoyed the repetitive slashing/bashing/shooting, there are some who will find it boring quickly
- Despite having a reverence for the lore, the story itself doesn't use it to its full potential
- The "execute enemies to heal" works great until you realize you can never heal with ranged weapons, and some parts of the game require you to use ranged weapons only
- Final "boss" is an underwhelming set of quick-time events
- If I hear anybody say "Space Marine!" one more time, I might have to punch something

Suffer not a space ork beastie to live. 

The Long

As mentioned in my Dawn of War: Dark Crusade review, I have a weird affinity for the Warhammer 40k universe without actually investing any time in it aside from playing the Dawn of War games. So when Relic (the same dudes that made Dawn of War) said they were making a third-person action game set in the world, I figured...how could they possibly screw this up? It's going to be a third person shooter like Gears of War, right? But against Warhammer stuff? I'm down. 

Well the game came out and guess what: I was right. It was pretty awesome. For exactly the reasons I thought it would be. Space Marine (another winner of the "Imaginatively Titled Game" contest) is a bloody awesome good time, and fans of action games, shooters, or just the Warhammer 40k universe should check it out. 

It's also kind of bloody. 

The story is unfortunately one of the weakest points of the game. You follow Captain Titus of the Ultramarines who go down to some forge world I already forgot the name of because the stupid Orks showed up to wreck shop. So after your ship gets shot down but you just sort of jump from it to an Ork ship because it ain't no thang if you are a Space Marine, blowing up that ship and crash landing it, you get in on the action. And by action I mean killing thousands of Orks (I think I killed 3,000 enemies in the Single Player alone).

And that's pretty much most of the plot. There's a run-in with Chaos Space Marines at the end (not a huge spoiler; there's a Daemon on the box if you look close enough) with a "twist" and a traitor that is so predictable I now label Captain Titus as dense as the Jedi Council in the Star Wars prequels for being able to detect corruption among his ranks. Anyway, nothing a chainsaw-sword can't handle, and even with another weird "twist" at the end the story doesn't really go anywhere. You show up, kill a bunch of guys, kill some more guys, game ends. Alright. Way to draw deep from that extensive Warhammer 40k well, Relic. Even your RTS games had more plot than this. 

Captain Titus does not like Orks

Luckily the game doesn't need much of a story, because 99% of it is spent carving up enemies, with the remaining 1% being running to the next scene where you cut up more enemies. The gameplay in Space Marine is surprisingly unique; if you were like me and thought it would be heavy on third-person shooting (like Gears of War) with a splash of melee, you'll be in for a surprise. Space Marine actually strikes a decent balance between ranged and melee combat, with melee being far more powerful and much more useful (in most cases) than shooting. It's kind of like Dynasty Warriors meets Gears of War, but in a Warhammer 40k universe against legions and legions of Orks. Which is pretty cool.

The big mechanic is the fact that you are a badass, and since cover is for non-badasses, there is no cover system in this game. You have a regenerating shield, but should they punch through that your only way to get health back is via violent execution moves. Essentially these chain off your melee attacks. "X" will do a quick, straight-damage melee which can chain into a powerful area smash. But if you throw a "Y" in there it'll stun the enemy (or enemies, depending on where in combat you mash it), allowing you to execute them with a finisher. These a violent, crazy, and don't get as repetitive as you might think. Killing enemies this way restores health (and you are given a slight damage reduction while executing should your health be low, but you can still die mid-regen) and is the only way to restore health. So the game highly encourages you to get in and get your hands dirty, which I'm all for. 

Seriously, he kills 'em without prejudice. 

You might worry that it gets repetitive and...it does, a bit. Luckily the game encourages you to mix up your combat, with ranged weapons doing high amounts of damage and headshots coming easy (and being immensely satisfying). You also fight through boatloads and boatloads of stupid Orks (for about 75% of the game that's all you fight) which means you could potentially get tired of it. I, however, found it as great stress relief. Playing as an insanely overpowered Space Marine just smashing everything to bits (you get a Storm Hammer that literally is the most overly powerful thing ever) is amusingly satisfying, and the absurdly over-the-top kills only amplify the experience.

It isn't perfect, though. Aside from repetition, there is no way to gain health via shooting (you'd think headshots would give you a touch of health back, but I guess not), and there are many points where you are battling against ranged-only enemies. In this instance getting life back can be well-nigh impossible, and can result in some cheap deaths.

Chaos sucks. 

The ending bits are also too long on the single player, mostly because fighting Chaos just isn't fun. They all have heavy ranged weapons (the problem with this mentioned above) but also are super tough; going toe-to-toe with them in melee combat can be a near thing every time, and they are bullet sponges to boot. After playing a whole game feeling powerful and confident, having that stripped away rather quickly changes the entire feel of the game (and I was actually taking cover. Gasp!) and not for the better. The last quarter of the game is not nearly as fun as the first quarter, and it was also when I started thinking the game was unfair.

Aside from that, however, the majority of Space Marine's single player is certainly worth experiencing. As a unique blend of third person shooting, melee combat, and visceral executions it is quite fun to play, even if the last sections are a bit grueling. Also, why Chaos? What about the fifty thousand other races in the Warhammer 40k universe? Why are we only fighting Orks and Chaos Marines over this whole game? You had like eleven races by the time Dawn of War ended; get with the program!

Titus leaves only sadness and death in his wake. 

The multiplayer is, surprisingly, excellent and unique. You get to pick from three classes: a balanced soldier-esque class that uses fast firing pistols, a heavy weapons clunker with high damage and slow movement, or the jump-pack melee expert (you also get a jet-pack in single player, which is some of the best parts in the game). The more you play the more gear you unlock, allowing you to create custom mixes of weapons, though you are still limited to the three basic classes. The emphasis on mixing up both melee and ranged combat (and the lack of cover whatsoever) makes battles fast, furious, and bloody. If you are ranged your goal is to keep everybody at a distance, while the jump-pack people will be bombarding you from above in an attempt to get close. It's totally bananas and really fun, and the handful of traditional modes (capture the flag, team deathmatch, etc.) do well with Space Marine's unique system.

It also has a free DLC "Horde" mode, Exterminatus. This is essentially 20 waves (with a bonus 21st wave if you clear them all) battling legions of Orks as a four player team, which again works very well with the systems at play. It is pretty buggy, though, especially on the final wave (we had enemies getting stuck in geometry frequently) but playing with friends is a rush, though I wish they'd included more maps (you can buy more but...nah. I'm good.)

Not kidding; you kill a lot of Orks. 

Graphically the game looks fantastic. It's very loyal to the Warhammer 40k mythology, down to the dialogue, terms, and the way everything looks. That does mean that guns and characters look a bit like toys (since Warhammer 40k is primarily minifigs) but it's easy enough to overlook for all the zanyness that's going on. The only exception for things that don't look good are the character's faces. They never emote, ever, and their tones are bland and impassive. I get that these are hardened warriors who just sort of shrug off killing a bajillion guys or any problems they encounter, but it makes for uninteresting characters and boring cutscenes. Spice it up!

You can also color and make your own Space Marine in multiplayer, which is pretty neat!

Despite it's rather poor final act and a bit of repetition, I had a great time playing Space Marine. Maybe it's because I have that weird love for the source material, but I found it to be a rush from beginning to end, and the surprisingly solid multiplayer was just icing on the cake. Considering I got it for $10 from a Gamefly sale (which included the online code! Bonus!) I'd say that's a perfectly reasonable price to grab it at and have a great time slashing up "xenos" (which I'm guessing is Space Marine talk for "beasties").

Four out of five stars. 

Just droppin' from space, not giving a crap...