Gradius

The Short


Pros
- Often considered the founder of side-scrolling shooters and, by consequence, the shmup genre
- Fun, difficult space shooter
- Decent graphics and a variety of power-ups and choices
- First instance of the Konami code
- Spawned a long line of great sequels

Cons
- Music was good but hardly up to the level of Lifeforce
- Doesn't have infinite (or any) continues and only three lives. What the heck, Konami?
- Can have frustrating checkpoints
- Can prove to be very hard, especially some early bosses

Are you ready to shoot in space?

The Long

When someone talks about horizontal shooters, chances are they are thinking about one of the Gradius games. Technically a sequel to Scrambler (Konami's first attempt at something similar to this), Gradius basically put space shooters on the map with its side-scrolling, power-up grabbing, enemy killing madness. It was obviously not the first of these games to do so, not by a long shot, but for most Gradius was their first real encounter with the genre. It spawned a load of sequels and spinoffs (including the fantastic Lifeforce) and has certainly cemented itself as a place in history.

Oddly enough, however, I never actually played this game until just recently. I spent a ton of time on Super R-Type on the SNES, and obviously Lifeforce among others, but the original Gradius seemed to slip by. After playing through the game quite a few times I found I really enjoyed it, but only to a point. While I can see the history here, and the gameplay is solid even to this day, Gradius still has some minor annoyances. 

You're gonna need that shield.

Gradius is your standard shooter fare. The screen scrolls to the left, bringing with it enemies and obstacles, and you have to survive to the end. This game solidified the series' "tier powerup" system, where each powerup bumps what you can get up a notch. You choose when to "cash in" at any time, from a simple ship speed boost to a powerful option (or three) that follow you around and shoot. It's a fantastic system that presents the game with a risk/reward type of deal, making one have to decide if it's worth diving into danger for the final powerup before getting another option or just leaving it be.

Gradius also has all the same powerups as it always has. Speed, split-Missiles for ground enemies, double (which is two shots, replaced by Wave in Lifeforce), a piercing Laser, Option, and a Shield. Again, the fact they reused these for almost every game to follow proves it was a good enough system, and I agree.

Missiles are necessary to survive. 

Gradius isn't a very fast-moving game, nor is it one to overwhelm you with bullets or enemies (read: it isn't a bullet hell). However, Gradius can still be quite difficult. You have to first strike a balance in your Speed Up power ups; not enough and bosses will move and shoot to quickly too dodge, too many and you'll move so quick you'll lose control. Another annoyance is that the game can be quite difficult; one single mistake and its over, be it bumping the ground or getting shot. 

But honestly, the thing that bugged me the most about this game is something I've complained about before: not having any continues. This is getting old, but it bears repeating: I bought the game. I'm not in an arcade, punching quarters in. There is no harm in letting me continue forever. Some games limit continues, which is annoying but at least it's an option. Gradius has no continues whatsoever. Three lives, and you are finished. This...is frustrating, to say the very least. You essentially have to one-coin the whole game.

THE WORLD HAS GONE CRAZY. Also, Easter Island heads!

Luckily, the game is one of the first uses of the Konami code. Pause during gameplay and punch it in (if you don't know it, I'm not typing it here for you) and you'll pop out all powered up (except double and laser), with three options, a speed boost, missiles, and the shield. The catch is you can only use this once per game, so screw up and your cheating days are over. Like most Gradius games, if you get fat enough early on the difficulty of the game drops tremendously, though losing everything can quickly turn it from a cakewalk to an impossible difficult task. It's this sort of difficulty spike that really bothers me about Gradius. To be fair, Lifeforce was similar (though I don't think the difficulty switch between fully equipped and naked was as stark) but with infinite continues and the Konami code giving tons of lives, I was fine with it.

Seriously. Missiles. 

Graphically, Gradius looks very good. It's a far cry from the arcade release, but it's still very solid despite having a hefty amount of slowdown when stuff gets crazy (like all shooters on the NES). I always liked the ship animations in the games, how it changed when you panned up and down. Really think that's always a great touch. 

Music is decent but I honestly don't remember any of the songs. Maybe it's because I only recently played through this game a lot, but I found other shooters (especially Lifeforce) to be much more memorable. It isn't bad, but it's hardly a revelation. 

The first boss is really obnoxious without options. 

To be completely frank, the lack of continues in Gradius really rubs me the wrong way. While I can certainly see the appeal in the challenge of beating Gradius without cheating and with only three lives (and I'm certain there are plenty who know the game well enough and can pull it off easily), I would have at least appreciate the option to continue (that wasn't a power-up pun. I promise.). Still, if you like a rather ruthless space shooter with a crazy difficulty jump, Gradius is certainly worth looking for. Though I personally prefer Lifeforce in almost every area. 

A classic that is still an extremely solid and fun game, if a bit frustrating. Three out of five stars.

STUFF IS GETTING CRAZY AGAIN. 

Klax

The Short


Pros
- Fun, unique arcade puzzle game involving stacking three-in-a-row blocks of the same color
- Lots of scenarios and switching objectives keep each level fresh
- Tight controls and two-player support make it very addicting

Cons
- Colors (especially on the NES version) can be difficult to tell apart
- The NES version is also hideous compared to other (Genesis, SNES) ports
- Game can get really hard really quickly
- Never got a modern re-release
- Music is pretty mediocre

Pokemon! Wait...

The Long

I love Klax. Unlike Loopz, where my nostalgia betrayed me, Klax is a solid action-puzzler that is arcade-fast and is still a load of fun to play. I originally played this at the same nickelcade that I burned so much time in Donkey Kong Jr. at, while this one I spent playing with my wife. The arcade unit for Klax had weird discoloration that made it almost impossible to play, but I still persevered because I liked the game so much. When I heard they ported the game to NES and Genesis, I had to give it a shot. After playing Klax on both systems, I'm ready to give an accessible (and a system comparison)

This is the arcade version of Klax. 

The overarching goal of Klax is simple: make three (or more) of the same color in a row. This can be done vertically, horizontally, or diagonally, with the latter two netting more points. Pieces of various colors always roll down from the top, and if you allow too many pieces to fall without catching them (five in the arcade, three on home consoles) you'll lose a life and have to restart the stage. 

The trick is, of course, that you can catch multiple tiles (up to four). You always have to flip off the last one you caught, meaning you can get overwhelmed if you don't plan ahead. You can also toss tiles back up the conveyor belt if things get too hectic on your catchy-thing, but they'll just roll back down in a few seconds so you have to act fast. 

Here's the Genesis version. Pretty faithful, yes?  The SNES version  is almost completely identical.

What makes Klax unique is it has stages with varying objectives. Some are simple point attack modes. Others require you to make a set number of diagonals. Other ask you to survive a certain number of tiles rolling out (basically a time trial), and so on. These varying objectives give a solid sense of progression, and also make it so the relatively simple concept doesn't get monotonous (again, look at Loopz for a bad example of this). 

Colors are added the further along you play, the game getting quite difficult after a while. However, the "learning curve" is near perfect if you start from the beginning, and the addicting quality of just "one more try" on a stage is extremely prevalent here. Because the concept is so simple, you just can't stop.

The addition of side-by-side multiplayer (where you just go through the same stages independently) is a nice touch, and since you aren't competing you both basically just go until your skill fails you and you run out of continues. 

And the NES version which...isn't quite as good looking. 

So, if you don't have this game in the arcade, which version should you grab? Personally, I've found the SNES and Genesis versions to be the most faithful home ports. They graphically look very similar, the colors are vibrant and the Klax are large and easy to identify. 

The NES port still works fine, but keep in mind the graphics are substantially downgraded. The Klax are also thicker for some reason (something with screen real estate) which doesn't seem like that big of a deal but kind of messes with my brain. It's still totally playable (and fun!) but if you have a Genesis or SNES, grab those versions instead. 

An issue across all three versions (except the arcade) is tile color confusion. It's by far the worst in the NES, with the small tiles and limited color pallet making it hard to discern them as they fall down the belt. The Genesis and SNES fare a bit better, but when you have the full array of colors dropping down it can be a bit difficult to discern similar shades. You'll get used to it after playing through it enough, but it can provide some initial frustrations.

Port this sucker to everything, guys!

It's a pity Klax has never seen a modern re-release, as the game remains one of my favorite puzzlers to date. With addicting yet simple gameplay, actual objectives (in a puzzle game! Gasp!) and a great aesthetic, sound, and music, Klax is certainly worth picking up if you own any retro home consoles. It plays even better with a friend, racing to beat objectives and high scores, and with most versions you can set the number of credits you have as well as run a sound-test mode (I love it when games include this) and everything.

It is no longer the nineties, but it is still time for Klax. Four out of five stars.

Just don't try and do that hand thing unless you have a double-jointed thumb. 

Joust

The Short


Pros
- Authentically replicates the fast-paced arcade game
- Simple in concept, nefarious in execution
- Can be played one or two players
- Stages quickly get tricky

Cons
- Game is a pain in the butt without a turbo controller (NES Advantage: recommended)
- While the controls are intentionally slippery, it does make the game difficult to pick up
- Lots of cheap deaths
- Doesn't save high scores (no battery)
- My cartridge is super picky for some reason

Ostrich on ostrich action.

The Long

Joust is yet another arcade classic that was released on just about everything known to man. Ported from Atari to there even being a release on the Xbox 360 now, Joust has proven to be quite popular. It was so popular that Hal even ripped it off to create their own Balloon Fight, a slower-paced version of what was essentially the same game.

So, looking at the NES version, is Joust worth looking back into? After such successful arcade port outings with both Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr., does Joust hold up?

Nintendo games and their black backdrops and no top score saving

First off, this is a damn near perfect arcade port. Everything from the sound effects to the controls and graphics are right on target. It doesn't have the annoying menu music from the arcade version, and it also doesn't save your high scores (man, life before saving and leaderboards was balls), but hey...you can't win 'em all. 

So since the actual porting is perfect, it boils down to the game itself: do you like Joust? Well, in my personal opinion...it's just ok.

While the concept of dueling ostriches is rad, I'm not a huge fan of this game. 

Joust's core concept is simple: flap your wings (either by mashing your A button or using a turbo controller) to make your ostrich slowly gain altitude, then ram yourself into the other birds when you are above them. Doing so will kill them and have them drop eggs, which you pick up for points. Kill enough and you go to the next stages, which get more and more difficult.

There are two reasons I really haven't gotten into Joust. The first is the control. The birds run extremely fast (which makes sense) and maintain that momentum when you get airborn, but changing direction from slow to moving while in-air is extremely slow. I understand this is basically the point of the game, but I could never grasp my brain around the controls which resulted in my dying in a lot of instances that I felt wasn't my fault.

My second reason is the awful "spawning." Frequently you'll die and then reappear with some stupid computer-controlled bird just above you, only to die a few seconds later. Again, I get it's an arcade game and if I had the "skills that paid the bills" I probably could have avoided turning into ostrich stew, but the point is the deaths in the game have always felt cheap.

I like the sound effects, though. 

Honestly, I vastly prefer Balloon Fight over Joust, even though the concept is the same. In Balloon Fight you have two lives instead of just one, can get lives back, and the game is a bit slower paced. While I appreciate how completely frantic Joust is, I have never been able to wrap my head around it. Though playing two player and just bouncing off the walls stupidly does lead to its own level of amusement. 

All in all, I'd still suggest checking out Joust if you like old arcade games, and if you have any history with it the NES version is certainly the one to pick up (and with the NES Advantage it's like playing in the real arcade!). For me personally, however, I don't tend to play this one very often. The lack of stages and variety, paired with loose controls (which, again, I understand that people can figure it out in time, but I never could) really make this one a dud for me.

Still, I can appreciate the fun concept here, and we did have some pretty great Joust competitions back in college, so hey...three out of five stars. 

As the stage crumbles around, you, will you be the last ostrich standing?

Donkey Kong Jr

The Short


Pros
- Wholly unique sequel to Donkey Kong, starring his son
- Similar focus on climbing and jumping, but more on the former than its predecessor
- All four levels are intact in the NES port
- A bigger challenge than Donkey Kong
- Remains the only game ever where Mario is the bad guy


Cons
- Jumping in this one feels unbelievably clunky
- Falling even a short distance kills Jr. Guy would die tripping over a rock.
- Again, original cart does not have a battery save function

Jr, mixing it up. 

The Long

After Donkey Kong made Nintendo truckloads of money, it was clear they needed a follow up that would pull that same kind of chowder. So in 1982, Donkey Kong Jr. showed up in arcades, mixing up the formula and switching up the gameplay. The most obvious change was that you were playing as Jr, rather than Mario, and in this one you were trying to save Donkey Kong from the nefarious Mario. Plot twist of the century. 

I have some serious love for this game. It was one of the few in a local nickelcade that was both fantastic and also actually worked (the thing about nickelcades...about half the machines have buttons or joysticks broken), and I recall pounding nickels into this thing as my friend and I would compete for the top spot on the high score list. This was one of the rare instances in my life when I was astonished and completely pleased when I had the epiphany that "I can play an arcade game at home!" The only other instance of this in the history of my life is Sunset Riders. 

Anyway, what makes Donkey Kong Jr. so different? And why is it so awesome? Read on, and you shall see. 

From jungles to electric shock...world. 

The basic concept is surprisingly similar to Donkey Kong. Through a series of climbing and jumping you get to the top of the screen, all the while dodging crap the enemy (in this case Mario) is throwing down at you. However, a rather dramatic shift has been made from jumping to climbing. While Donkey Kong was big on mostly jumping and a few ladder portions, Donkey Kong Jr. is all about that, and even mixed in some strategy in the climbing.

See, in many instances you can grab one vine and shimmy up that, or if two are close you can grab both to go faster. This has two key changes. First, Mario sends most enemies down the vines, so grabbing two makes you a larger target. Second, your speed shifts. When holding two vines, you climb up significantly faster, but down a lot slower. When on one you slide down very quickly, but up is slow. The levels are designed about knowing when to use what balance, being able to change your vertical position very quickly an absolute must. 

While different, both games still look similar, and fans of one can easily pick up the other. 

The decreased emphasis on jumping is evident because one of the biggest frustration is Jr. jumps like total crap. Luckily most of the stages don't rely too heavily on it, but the springboard at the start of stage two has been the cause of many inappropriate deaths. It can also be annoying to time when to drop fruit onto enemies (the only way to kill them now that the hammer is gone), seeing as even being remotely close drops the things. Ah well.

I personally found Donkey Kong Jr. to be tougher than Donkey Kong, but I suppose it's a matter of playstyle. I also enjoy Donkey Kong Jr. a lot more than the original, so you have that as well.

Suck it, Mario. 

Donkey Kong Jr. is a faithful adaptation of the arcade version, with all the levels, graphics, and sound effects being similar. As such it sounds and looks just fine, though it certainly is beginning to show its age, especially with the predominantly black backgrounds.

Still, Donkey Kong Jr. is great fun. Similar to Donkey Kong, you should pick it up on the Donkey Kong Classics combo pack, as you can get both games for a very low price point now. As an arcade classic it holds up very well, still proving to be very challenging while rewarding.

Just...learn to jump, Jr. And fall more than two feet without dying.

Four out of five stars. 

This is the one you want to buy. Not the originals. 

Donkey Kong

The Short


Pros
- Faithful port to the arcade classic
- Challenging and fun run for points, even to this day
- Everybody's seen this game before
- Start of Mario's (and Donkey Kong's) careers

Cons
- NES version is missing a level from the arcade version
- It's also missing the awesome opening movie, as well as the sense of progression (height) between levels
- Jumping and climbing controls seem a bit archaic in this day and age
- Original cartridge had no battery save for scores

A scene that every game should recognize. 

The Long


Ah, Donkey Kong. The arcade smash hit that got Nintendo a ton of fat cash, was ported to just about everything, and everybody has played. Like Pac-Man before it, Donkey Kong is one of those games that people think of when you mention the word "video game." It's a simple, yet exciting arcade game that helped set a foundation for future games.

This game was seriously released on like a trillion consoles (whether allowed by Nintendo or not), and since I'm not insane I'm only going to touch on the NES version. So...after all these years, does Donkey Kong still stand up?

Yep, menu screenshots. EXCITING. 

Well, after replaying it for a good hour as I kept trying to crush my previous scores, I'd say...yeah! It's weird because there's plenty to complain about this game, especially in this day and age. The controls, especially the jumping, is super sticky and has a weird delay, which screws you over frequently. Mario/Jumpman shuffles along about as fast as a turtle, which is a rather large annoyance. If he falls down the small cracks in the final stage where you are knocking out yellow pegs, that small fall kills him (awesome?), and when climbing down ladders it can be hard to tell when you've reached the bottom (and can then move left/right) because the game offers no visual cue. And, probably the most damning thing about the original cart, is it had no battery backup so saves were lost when you powered the game down. That...really hurts.

All this aside, Donkey Kong is still a very good game, even beyond what it did for the industry. The objective is simple (I can't believe I'm about to explain Donkey Kong...): get to the top of the stage by jumping barrels, dodging fireballs and springboards, or knocking out yellow pins to drop Kong down. Jumping stuff gives points, as does completing each level quickly, and when you run out of lives your run is over. Simple stuff.

The second level spices things up a bit, but I think it's lots easier. 

A bummer about the NES version is that for some reason it's missing the fourth level, with extending ladders that you have to climb to get to the top. Why it's omitted is beyond me; it didn't seem too complex for the NES to handle.

The NES version is still a very faithful port, for the most part. The awesome intro were Donkey Kong smashes the ground is gone, as is the "25 m" or "50 m" height progression between stages. Still, the sound effects and music are incredibly accurate for a port, and I personally found the game controls almost completely identical, especially when playing with the arcade stick on the NES Advantage. 

You can always grab the hammer and bash everything that annoys you. 

Despite this, one would argue against the length and general shallowness of the game. Again, with only three stages that cycle forever, you really aren't going to see much newness here. The controls will feel very clunky to those accustomed to Mario's future outings, and the lack of the battery to save scores is a really big hit. Even the re-released Donkey Kong Classics NES cart (which has both Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr) doesn't save the game, but at least then you get both games for a low price. So if you are looking for a copy of this game today, I'd suggest that version over all others.

You saved Peach...er...Pauline and won true love!

I am honestly surprised I enjoyed Donkey Kong as much as I did replaying it. I don't have any particular affinity to the arcade classic (honestly, all my good memories are with Donkey Kong Jr), but the blend of challenge with questing to beat my scores really put its hooks in me. It's crazy that, after all these years, Donkey Kong can still do what it was made to do: keep you playing. While it's clunky and very, very old, Donkey Kong is still a game worth trying, and I'd imagine playing with friends, switching off in attempts to beat high scores, this game could be a blast even today.

I'm going to give a deserved four out of five.

That's right, Mario. Collect those purses. 

Final Fantasy Mystic Quest

The Short


Pros
- Easy "entry-level role-playing adventure."
- Graphics are decent, with enemies having multiple stages before dying
- Large variety of weapons that differ in use in battle
- Music is pretty great
- Ability to jump and interact with objects in the world with different weapons is unique to the Final Fantasy world to this day

Cons
- Extremely easy
- Also extremely tedious
- Dungeons can drag on and on
- Some dungeon puzzles are obscure and frustrating
- Story is boring and stupid
- Only have two people in your party at once, and playing with the AI is awful

It ain't Final Fantasy without crystals

The Long

Final Fantasy Mystic Quest's history is relatively well documented, so I'll only need go over it in brief here. Similar to Mario 2 back in the NES days, Square got the idea that Americans were dumb and couldn't handle actual hard JRPGs (similar to them releasing the "Easytype" Final Fantasy II/IV in the US as the only version), so instead of giving us Final Fantasy V with it's job system that was clearly over our heads, they released an "entry-level rpg" in an attempt to both bait newcomers into the genre and...make a really easy RPG, I guess.

But in the case of Mario 2 we actually got the better of the two options (screw Japanese Mario 2/The Lost Levels), so what about Mystic Quest? I mean, it's Final Fantasy, right? Does it live up to expectations?

In some ways, yes. Mystic Quest actually pioneered some neat concepts that were never seen again in Square's beloved series (though they did show up in some other games), but as a whole the game sort of collapsed on its "entry-level" design philosophy.

Choppin' down all the trees. 

At its core, Mystic Quest is an extremely simple turn-based RPG. Gone is the Active Time Battle of Final Fantasy II, returning to the core idea that nobody does anything until commands are issued. It's a tried-and-true concept, one that plenty of modern games (Final Fantasy X, Breath of Death VII, Lost Odyssey) utilize. You also get a wide variety of weapons that you can easily cycle through on the fly, as well as a rather large arsenal of magic to nuke your enemies with. Mana is done in original Final Fantasy style, with a set number of spells per category per day rather than the MP system of later games.

The variety in the weapons is actually the strongest point of Mystic Quest, if only for one key reason: you can use them outside of battle, and with varying effects. Axes can be swung to chop down trees or other small objects. Bombs can clear rubble from pathways to find secrets. Claws can be used to scale rock wall faces to reach other inaccessible areas. Also, when walking around the world, you can jump. I know! Since when has any Final Fantasy game since then allowed jumping? This allowed for a few unique puzzles and secrets, and is a really cool idea to mix up the boring "just walk around everywhere" idea. 

Battles are simple but have a distinct art style. 

Another neat idea is the fact that you can switch your character's weapons on the fly (your companions, who switch out frequently, are locked to their main weapon), which in turn offers more strategy. Some enemies are weak to certain weapons, so matching that weakness up can do fat damage. All weapons are broken into categories, and when you buy a new one it replaces your weapon in that category with a better one. There's no armor to equip or summons to...summon, so the game keeps itself simple.

So far you're probably saying "Hey, this sounds pretty good! The mechanics aren't deep but they're certainly there, with weapon swapping and jumping and all that. I bet this game is awesome!"

Well, unknown person who talks to himself (or herself) while reading this review, I have some bad news for you. All these mechanics are for not, because you never, ever have to use them. Because Mystic Quest is so much of a cakewalk your feet would be covered in frosting after the first dungeon. Yeah, the extension of that expression didn't really work, but bear with me here.

"Fireberg? Is this where the ice temple is?"

Mystic Quest is easy to the point of tedious. Nearly every battle (including bosses) can be beaten by simply spamming whatever attack is convenient. Enemies, while visible on the world map, are plentiful and offer lots of XP and gold, but in truth it only serves to make the game more boring. On top of that, losing in battle has no penalty whatsoever: you can simply hit "retry" and continue button mashing until you win again. While I appreciate the option to restart battles should you fail (hey, Final Fantasy XIII did it) rather than hard-loading my save, paired with the fact that no strategy has to be employed whatsoever makes Mystic Quest almost pointless to "play."

It gets even worse for the "Arena" events. Rather than an actual world map, you walk between areas in a straight line (kind of like the world map in Mario World or Mario 3) and then go into your location. I'm fine with this; saves me time running around or trying to find a Chocobo or Airship or whatever. But anyway, between most cities and temples are "Arenas," where you fight 10 battles to clear out the monsters. Which you do by mashing A. Fun times. 

"Windia? I'm SURE the fire temple is here!"

This tedium only escalates in later dungeons/temples. While the first are reasonably straightforward, the later ones are massive to a fault, with multiple levels populated with tons of weak, boring battles and lame puzzles. The worst part is that enemies (and treasure boxes, so it isn't all bad) respawn everytime you step out of the dungeon, so if you need to restart or accidentally leave, guess what? All the boring battles are back! Not to mention several dungeons (like the awful fire one, and the ice/crystal one with multiple floors) can take an absurdly long time to burn through with little or no reward. And don't you love it when games have you get to the end, fight a boss, and then have to walk back out? No? Well, my non-easytype RPG player, clearly you don't understand simplified JRPGs!

Your party is capped out at two, and the game decides who is in your party when, which is based on the story. You can have your companion fight automatically (the default) if you want to watch him/her waste all your spells, or you can manually control them. This only makes an already easy game easier, and since your companion is locked to a certain weapon there isn't really any strategy for them at all aside from mashing whatever weapon they have. Boooooring. 

This game loves its pallet swapping. 

I think my main issue is that its just bad design. Dungeons could have been made to be interesting and fun: you have a wide array of items that interact with the world, and you can jump. But instead they took the laziest possible route: make them long and tedious, because "time spent = value." The battles could have been complex and required on-the-fly weapon swapping to defeat certain enemies. Sure, that wouldn't have been deep or even that great, but it would have added some tactics. Instead, they just made hordes of easy enemies and put tons of them everywhere to waste your time, because "time spent = value." It's obnoxious, especially since the first few dungeons are actually quite enjoyable, albeit short, so they could have made this work. But instead they just got lazy. There's even some cool touches, like how enemies have a second image for when they are below half-health to show battle progression (a really neat idea that I wish they'd brought back for future Final Fantasy games) and bosses have 3-4 of these, but it's all moot because the game behind it is dull.

The story is on par with Final Fantasy. As in, the NES original. You know, the one with next to no story. The crystals have been blown up or stolen or something, and you have to go kill monsters to restore the land. Every city you go to has been wallowing in misery waiting for somebody to come fix their massive problems, so you go fix their massive problems (with your new companion) and then move on to the next (picking up a different companion). You are the "Chosen Knight" or something, which is also typical JRPG fare, proving once and for all Mystic Quest is completely phoning this one in. 

The boss song is one of my favorite boss songs in the series. 

That being said, Square's reputation of crazy production values is still in place here, at least...sort of. Graphics are in a similar vein to Final Fantasy IV, though the game is far less rich and colorful. However, the muted pallet grew on me, everything fitting a charming theme that, while never really making me think I was part of some bigger world, was substantial and looked fine.

The music is excellent throughout, with a few tracks being standout. You'll grow sick of the battle song after the thousandth easy battle, but the boss music is great and each town's song variate off of a same theme, which I thought was a cool touch.

Ah, here's the Sand Temple! Or..."SandTempl."

All in all, Mystic Quest isn't a bad JRPG, it's just a boring one. While there isn't anything fundamentally wrong with the game (indeed, the first couple of hours are a blast) it just has no ambition. In an attempt to streamline the JRPG to bring in a wider audience, Square inadvertently broke it down to such a level it revealed all of the genre's flaws. Level grinding isn't fun if you aren't also working towards something else, like an obvious stats boost or a enough money for new gear. Dungeons and battles aren't fun if there's no strategy and progression feel laborious. And if you don't at least give a compelling reason (aka the story) to push through all the genre weaknesses to the end, people are going to put your game down. 

Which is exactly what happened with Mystic Quest, so much so that both me and my wife tried burning through this game before quitting and playing something else (granted, she got farther, but I switched to Final Fantasy II/IV and she to Final Fantasy III/VI pretty shortly after). 

In an age where we have JRPGs coming out of our ears, Mystic Quest is an interesting bit of history but hardly worth playing anymore. There are decades of superior offerings available, and to be honest I'd rather play the original Final Fantasy, with all its flaws, rather than Mystic Quest again. If you really want and entry level JRPG, Final Fantasy XIII's thirty hour tutorial I'm sure has you covered. 

While collectors should probably consider it (or those with nostalgia), newcomers need not bother. Two out of five stars. 

Plus you can kill the final boss by just casting "heal" on him over and over, making all that leveling totally useless. 

To The Earth

The Short


Pros
- Light-gun game for the NES where you SHOOT SPACESHIPS
- The spaceships look kind of cool
- Also, more lightgun games are always appreciated
- Only four levels, but each level is quite long

Cons
- Game is boooooring
- Also it gets atrociously hard quite quickly
- There really isn't much to this game to critique, honestly

Hur hur "To Uranus" hur hur

The Long

So I actually own two light guns for some reason (both an orange AND gray one) and I specifically bought an old TV for my retro games just so the stupid guns would work (they don't work on modern, flat screen LCD or Plasma TVs), so I was pretty adamant on getting more games that the guns would work with. The only one I ever played growing up was Duck Hunt, which is a fine game but doesn't really have any variety (or challenge). So when I heard there was a space shootin' game, To The Earth, I went out and snagged a copy.

And...this is going to be a hard (and probably short) review because there really isn't much to To The Earth, to be completely honest.

You are fighting a war among the stars. 

Essentially you have four levels that involve you trying to get to certain planets, ending on Earth. All you do is shoot everything that shows up. You have unlimited bullets, and the stuff takes for-freaking-ever to show up during the first stage. It starts out as just ships flying by, but quickly escalates out of control. The ships fly by super fast so you'd better catch 'em quick or they'll be gone. They also shoot very fast homing missiles at you (which is the only way to die) and you regain life by shooting more down without taking damage. Easy enough, right?

Well, yeah, but that's the whole game. Staring at space, waiting for a tiny dot to appear in the distance, and frantically shooting at it hoping it doesn't zip past too fast.

I have to admit, though, that earth looks pretty good. 

The game has an extremely dull start (which you'll replay a lot because even the first mission gets absurdly difficult) and then the levels ramp up out of control. But while being a hard game, I still was bored. All you do is stare out into the inky blackness of space and wait for the slightest hint of movement before gunning it down. What's the backstory, here? Why was I hanging out in Uranus (hur hur) and now I have to go back to Earth? Who am I shooting, anyway? Aliens? People? People-Alien hybrids? Alas, the deep fiction of To The Earth is never revealed. I'm just going to assume it's a Star Wars prequel. 

This is also a hard game to find screenshots for. 

Graphically the game is also boring. The ships look fine, but they just zip past super fast so don't expect to see much of them. I do like the explosions, and the little hud at the bottom is cute, but that's really all you see. It probably took them like fifteen minutes to draw all this stuff. 

The music is also delightfully droll. Not bad, but certainly not interesting either. It just...is. Much like the vacuum of space, it's nothing to write home about.

An epic cutscene. 

Honestly, this game isn't bad, it just isn't memorable. At all. There were a limited number of zapper games, and in order to justify me owning two of the darn things I figure To The Earth is alright. I still boot it up when I want to shoot stuff down (having space ships explode is more satisfying than just shooting some ducks), but the lack of variety, game modes, and just about anything means it's really just a blasse experience.

Granted, every cart I've seen has been $2 or less, so if you have a zapper and a TV that supports it, you might as well get one. For the explosions. And shooting. I guess.

Two out of five stars, because I'd still rather play it than Loopz again.

To The Earth: "What? Graphics? Overrated!"