Giga Wing 2

The Short


Pros
- Same crazy action with insane points and bullets from the original game
- Actually saves on the Dreamcast version! Novel concept!
- More ships with more features and options, as well as a new shield option
- Bosses are crazier and weirder

Cons
- Changing the medals from bright pixalated gold to pre-rendered looking things makes them much harder to see
- Looks uglier than the first game
- Game has way, way bad slowdown on the Dreamcast version
- Attempts to "flesh out" the story only made it even stupider
- Last few levels are just bosses, one right after the other
- Ships aren't as fun or interesting as in the first game
- Shorter than Giga Wing, and seems to be missing the draw that made me love the first game

Here we go again

The Long

I loved Giga Wing, so when I heard they'd made a second one I flipped out (read: yesterday. I seriously had no idea until yesterday). So now that I had a Dreamcast I had to grab the game, pop that sucker in, and see how much they'd improved over the original game. Unfortunately, I was disappointed. Giga Wing 2 isn't really that much of an improvement over its predecessor. In fact, it might even be a few steps back.

Hey, an actual Dreamcast screenshot. They don't call them "bullet hells" for nothing. 

The mechanics from the first game are here, relatively unchanged. Bombs still clear the screen, you still have an assortment of ships to pick from and each have different weapons types, and the reflect shield returns. However, in a weird change there's now Reflect Force and Reflect Laser, which I honestly couldn't tell the difference except I didn't like Laser. I think Laser does some lock-on thing with its reflects, while Force...bounces them back as usual (but doesn't seem to turn them into multiplier medals this time around). Either way, I just used Reflect Force because that's what I used before so WHATEVER.

The new ships are decent but some straight up suck, like the green one that's special power is shooting small green booger shots diagonally with no range. Upgrading slightly increases the rage (and the abysmal fire rate of the main gun) but...that ship is garbage. How can that compare with the red ship, where it's side-weapon has infinite range and locks on to enemies? Answer: it can't. And my magic blue pilot nun with lock on missiles is gone. Boo.

Points! And crappy looking explosions!

While I still like the core mechanics, they did a lot of changes that are...bad. The first one is changing the color scheme of the medals. In the first game they were a bright, flashy gold. They clashed well with everything else (including bullets) which made it easy to discern bullets from enemies from points. In this one all the medals are pre-rendered and a darker shade, which makes them blend into the backdrop. They're both harder to see and less exciting to collect, which sounds like a little thing but considering getting a huge multiplier is the point of this game, making it less fun is kind of a big minus. The powerup icons also look crappy.

Another thing is that the game is shorter than the first, but they pad the time by having tons of stupid anime talking heads explaining the "story." Now, the first game had a few story segments that I gleefully skipped over, but this one has lots more, and they last longer. Way to artificially pad your game time, guys. Not to mention the last three levels are just bosses that are stationary. No cool walking robot boss from the first game, no really long final boss; just three boring bosses. Again, cutting back on the stages are we?

Using your shield is still important, though I think this game is easier.

But perhaps the most offensive part is that the Dreamcast version has abysmal slowdown. Drop a bomb, the game chugs. Shoot a lot of shots, the game chugs. It's a lot worse in two-player, probably because of double the shots, but seriously? The game already looks like vaseline was smeared over it's decent looking pixel graphics, and it is no longer widescreen; couldn't you have optimized this better? Slowdown in a bullet hell game is killer! This isn't the NES anymore, dudes!

There is a save feature now (finally) as well as a few bonuses like a gallery if you couldn't get enough of those anime stills while watching the stupid cutscenes. The difficulty slider is back, as is the option for infinite continues and changing bomb/life numbers, which is always good for these games.

Red Ship = Best Ship. Also, the arcade version looks better. 

Despite me dissing this game, I did enjoy it quite a bit. The point was that it just didn't reach to the same heights I felt the first Giga Wing did. It's still a very good shmup, with plenty of bullets everywhere and lots of challenge for score-seekers. However, when compared to the first game this one just seems...soulless. They cut back on the stuff I liked and the style of the first game to try and make it more...something. Competent? Serious? Deep? I have no idea. Point being: it's still a good time, just not as a good time.

And so it gets docked a star from the first one, even though I still enjoyed playing it with my wife.  Three out of five stars. 

Wait, are we going to the moon? I dub thee: THE LUNAR WHALE!

Giga Wing

The Short


Pros
- Crazy bullet hell shmup
- Has INSANE SCORES. Like seriously, it just gets ridiculous how many points it gives you
- Fun Reflect Force mechanic makes the game a bit more manageable
- Four ships, and the levels slightly vary on order depending on what ship you pick
- Unlimited continues in the Dreamcast version
- Can also customize number of lives and bombs in the DC version
- One of my favorite shmups ever

Cons
- Isn't the best looking game, especially the cheapy explosions
- That would be the Dreamcast version. The arcade version is very crisp and not-blurry
- Story is duuuuuuuuuumb
- Even on the standard setting, the game just coats the screen in bullets
- My DC copy won't save. I have no idea why or if that's normal, but not saving high scores sucks
- Will encounter a fair amount of slowdown when compared to the arcade version

Most of these screenshots will be from the arcade version. Just sayin.

The Long

Giga Wing was my introduction into bullet hell shooters. Way back in college my friends and I all got hooked on arcade emulation, having Marvel vs Capcom tournaments and playing enough Metal Slug to make our downstairs neighbors think World War III was going on. It was through this I discovered the arcade version of Giga Wing, a name that clearly evokes thoughts of awesome explosions and airplanes. Giga Wing is a vertically scrolling bullet hell shooter from Capcom, and while you could argue it stays pretty rigidly to the genre's trappings it manage to strike that fine balance between "easy" and "impossible" so that even novice Giga....wingers will have a chance.

So let's get into this, shall we?

Believe me, this is one of the easier levels. 

Giga Wing's core concept revolves around Reflect Force, or Reflect Barrier, or "The magic bullet shield" or whatever you want to call it. As stated it's a bullet hell, meaning even if you crank the difficulty down to 1 it's going to punch you in the face on the later levels. Even on the default arcade setting (3 out of 9) the game gets pretty dang insane very quickly. The main means you have to survive is this shield. Holding down A for a second will activate a temporary sphere around your ship, causing all bullets to bounce back at enemies (dealing damage) and then turning into point-giving medals (that also increase your multiplier). This shield is on a recharge, so the game can quickly become surviving between recharges, which makes it frantic and fun.

The Reflect Force is also well designed as it takes a split second before it'll activate, meaning you have to plan for it rather than use it as a last ditch attempt to survive. One hit an you're down a life (and your multiplier), so it's important to quickly decide when is best to use the shield, taking into account your seconds of vulnerability during its recharge. Luckily, Bombs in this game last several seconds and wipe the screen of bullets, so for a really last ditch effort you can use those, but that's kind of cheap (and doesn't give you the massive score boots reflecting does).

Protip: You can't reflect THAT thing back...

As you reflect bullets and mow through enemies, golden medals drop EVERYWHERE. These serve as two purposes: they give you points (a given) and also up your multiplier. Because there are just trillions and trillions of medals on screen at a time (and bullets, yours and the enemies) your multiplier gets insane very fast, resulting in crazy scores. The high score for this game on the arcade is 2,954,296,261,700. THAT'S KIND OF A LOT OF POINTS.

Aside from the reflection mechanic and bananas scoring system, the game is pretty much standard fare. You collect powerups (up to three) that makes your ship better. You have four ships to choose from, though everybody should just pick the blue one because it has homing missiles which MAKE EVERYTHING EASY. Or easier, rather; this game is freaking difficult. Anyway, don't expect too many surprises here; you just blast and shoot your way through a steampunk shmup complete with weird anime story bits that make no sense whatsoever.

You show 'em, headband...guy

As stated, I originally played this game on arcade emulation and absolutely loved it. Yeah, I probably spent $100 in quarters doing a first run, but hey...I loved it. The game isn't particularly long with unlimited continues (you can beat it in around 20-30 minutes, tops) but the challenge, of course, is getting the high scores.

Which is stupid that my Dreamcast version won't save. I dunno if it's my disc or something, but the stupid thing doesn't seem to have any save options in the menues or whatever. If it doesn't save, what the crap is the point?

There are a few other points against the Dreamcast version (and a few for). Graphically, it looks considerably worse. It obviously isn't widescreen, but the bright and crisp arcade visuals are blurry and darker (though the medals are still golden and super shiny!). Explosions also look more pre-rendered than actually pixel drawn, which looks weird and kind of worse. The Dreamcast version also suffers occasional slowdown which wasn't present in the arcade version, which is weird because the Dreamcast is a pretty powerful system. Well, whatever.

In the Dreamcast's favor, you have the option to pick how many lives and bombs you get, a difficulty selection, as well as unlimited continues. This actually kind of makes the game...really easy, if you are lame. You can just bomb all five bombs you have, die, and bomb again. I suggest not giving yourself more than one or two bombs, least your ruin your experience.

Stuff just keeps gettin' crazier!

As it stands, Giga Wing is an excellent shmup, and since it was the first bullet hell game I ever played and really loved, I have a real affinity for it. I don't know anything about "high-tier" bullet hell play (I'm not particularly great at these games anyway) and I know games like Ikaruga did this formula better, but I still really, really like Giga Wing. When I heard it was out on Dreamcast I just had to grab it, and being able to play co-op with my wife only makes it that much more fun.

If you see it in an arcade, give it a shot (just be warned: you'll die. A lot). The Dreamcast version is inferior to the arcade port but is hardly bad, and is certainly worth picking up if you have even the slightest affinity for the genre.

Plus, the robotic "OK!" voice that plays when your shield meter has refilled is stuck in my head forever.

Four out of five stars. 

Floating continents! Sorry, inside joke. 

Chrono Trigger

The Short


Pros
- One of the most definitive JRPGs ever made
- Combines the talents of industry greats: Hironobu Sakaguchi, Nobuo Uematsu, Yasunori Mitsuda, and artist Akira Toriyama
- Beautiful graphics with a realized art style
- Excellent music throughout full of memorable tracks
- Unique gameplay system mixes the ATB system from Final Fantasy with combo tech attacks
- Charming and interesting story with some genuinely clever reveals
- Fourteen endings; introduced the New Game + system to tackle them all (DS version has seventeen endings)

Cons
- First playthrough is short; only 15-20 hours
- Game is exceptionally easy
- Adventure is linear until the very, very end
- Getting an original cartridge on the SNES can be a bit pricey
- Frog doesn't talk like a weird old English gentleman in the DS re-release. What the heck, guys?

You said it, Lucca

The Long

There is nothing I could say about Chrono Trigger that hasn't already been said, so I won't even try. Chrono Trigger is widely considered to be the definitive JRPG, and I am inclined to agree with that. Five out of five stars, review over. 

...in all seriousness, odds are if you are reading this review you've played or at least heard of Chrono Trigger. If you haven't, then you really need to get on the ball and play this game RIGHT NOW. There's a good reason why it's so revered by fans even to this day. Chrono Trigger is an absolutely incredible experience from beginning to end, and also serves as perhaps the best entry point for anyone into JRPGS. The only downside I could see with that plan is that if this is the first JRPG you ever played, it would be hard for anything else to even compare.

But enough of me rambling vaguely; let's get into gritty specifics. 

Rude, dude. 

Chrono Trigger's story is one part whimsy, one part post-apocalyptic, and one part AWESOME. Ok, I don't know how "awesome" could be a part, but the point still stands: Chrono Trigger has an excellent story. While you could argue it doesn't exactly reach the emotional depths of games like Final Fantasy VI, it's such a cleverly written tale you can't help but love it, and the fact it literally exhumes charm probably doesn't hurt either.

It starts out simple: while attending a millennial fair, you (the mute protagonist "Chrono" [or "Brono" if you are GiantBomb]) mess up your sciency friend Lucca's teleporter and TRAVEL BACK IN TIME! After screwing up the timeline in a plot somewhat similar to Back to the Future (except with less mother/son creepy incest stuff) you have to set things right, only for things to go wrong again. Eventually you discover a rather shocking truth: in the year 1999, a creature called Lavos emerges from within the bowels of the planet and essentially blows everything up. It's up to you and your time-travelling pals from throughout history to find the truth behind Lavos, his origins, and how to stop him before he blows up the world. Pretty good stuff, eh?

My name is Gato/I have metal joints/Beat me up/And earn fifteen silver points! 

As a whole, the overarching story is reasonably compelling, but where Chrono Trigger shines is in its little, character driven moments. Your cast of characters is as diverse as as it weird: you have three "normal" people from your time, but you also pick up a robot, a cavewoman, an anthropomorphic frog, and even an optional bad guy turned good. What makes Chrono Trigger fascinating is the fact that each of these characters have deep and interesting backstories, which are often explained as you time travel around the world. I don't want to spoil anything in particular (though seriously...everybody's played this game) but visiting one particular villain as a child and realizing exactly why he's such a jerk was one of the most rewarding and incredible twists in the game. Because of the time-travel element, you can actually visit moments from character's pasts, finally seeing things the characters allude to throughout the whole story.

And don't even get me started on Lucca's optional visit to her past. That's "Cyan and the Phantom Train" levels of emotional insides-pulling. 

Oh bugger.

If there's only one real complaint I can lobby against the story, its that the protagonist (Chrono) is woefully underdeveloped. They went for the "silent protagonist" route here, which is a cheap trick used to have the player project themselves onto the character, and it works out...ok here. I mean, Chrono has a nice mom, I have a nice mom. Chrono has a cat, I had a cat. I'm feelin' it. But when compared to the other characters, who feel exceptionally fleshed out and interesting (with maybe the exception of Magus, though you do get a large chunk of his past revealed), Chrono is completely stale.

Not to mention a rather large twist at about the 3/4 mark involving Chrono completely shatters the idea of self projection onto the character and makes me wonder exactly what they were thinking with him. I mean, I liked the twist. It was shocking and there was no way I saw it coming. But in terms of blending narrative, gameplay, and player experience...it felt a bit out of place.

All this aside, I will say this final bit about the story: it does the little things right. Frog talking in old English even though nobody else in his time period does, and even he didn't talk in old English before he came a frog is a hilarious touch that might have not been intentional, but I don't care. Having Ozzie, the comical villain who looks more than a little bit like Piccolo from Dragon Ball Z, be defeated by a cat. Leaving Robo, because he's a robot, four hundred years in the past and then simply zipping forward and picking him up after his centuries-long task is complete. There are just too many fantastic, little things about Chrono Trigger that make it charming, heartbreaking, and captivating to mention. It isn't really some sweeping, broad melodrama, but it doesn't have to be. It's more like if Final Fantasy had a baby with Mario RPG, and I love it.

Oh Spekkio, you have beaten me far too many times. 

Beyond the story, the gameplay mechanics in Chrono Trigger are a blast. The first thing you'll notice when engaging in a battle is that it doesn't fade out into some side battle screen; when you see enemies while running around, touching them engages in a battle then and there. Enemies wander around during the battles, and their positions relative to each other affect certain area-of-effect moves your characters can pull off. While this isn't exactly novel now in a world where western action RPGs are the norm, for JRPGs past and present this concept of a hybrid battle system is unique. 

The system plays a lot like the SNES and PS1 Final Fantasy games: you have a bar that gradually fills (based on your Speed stat), and when it maxes out that character can take his or her turn. The enemies also have bars (which you don't see), so executing commands quickly and skillfully is key. The trick here is that while in most Final Fantasy games you have to order commands one at a time for each character, taking turns. Not so in Chrono Trigger! The other unique twist is the idea of Duel- and Triple-Techs. Essentially combining magic moves, as characters level up and learn new abilities they also learn ways to combine these abilities with those of other characters. For example, while Chrono and Frog will both learn moves involving slashes, having both characters ready to go at the same time will allow a combined X-Slash for much more damage. Things really get crazy with Triple-Techs, where all three party members unleash devastating magics/skills at the same time. Pretty cool.

Arial robot strike!

Perhaps my only complaint regarding the battles are that they tend to be too easy. If you aren't a MP hog and know how to ration it out (and use items to decrease costs), you can easily breeze through this game with your powerful abilities. I only died once during my playthrough, and that was against an optional boss that I hadn't bothered leveling for (or even equipping the right party members). While for the JRPG newbie it might provide a little difficulty, any vet of the genre will easily breeze through Chrono Trigger.

Another complaint one might lobby is the fact that Chrono Trigger is incredibly linear the first playthrough. Now, I'm not saying you don't have freedom. Yes, you technically can warp around time and do some weird stuff, but in truth the game is designed to send you down a straight path all the way until you get the flying time machine ship...thing. Once you hit that point there's a limited selection of side quests you can do right before the final dungeon. It actually reminded me a lot of how Final Fantasy X is set up, with the game nudging you along the right path until you get to the end and saying "Oh, right...nonlinear. Here, have some sidequests."

I'd normally complain about this (especially because Final Fantasy XIII does it poorly and it drives me crazy), but I really...can't. This is because Chrono Trigger is such a tightly designed system around its linear(esque) pathway. Story beats hit at exactly the right moment, the pacing such that you feel rewarded at exactly the right intervals with a big plot reveal or event. It's immaculately timed from beginning to end, fusing it's solid (if easy) gameplay with story elements to keep things rewarding. I really can't hate on it at all, because as an experience it's solid. And if a game is linear but the experience solid, then it worked. Chrono Trigger works. 

And oh man...the soundtrack...

Graphically, Chrono Trigger is delightful. Akira Toriyama (the artist behind Dragon Ball Z and the Dragon Quest games) is at his best here, with wacky and charming character designs that are translated perfectly into their 16-bit sprites. The game has a warm color pallet, even in the darker areas, and everything blends together exceptionally well. And while it does use some Mode-7 trickery, it never looks corny or forced (even the "space-car race"). It's rare that sprites can have both a wide range of emotions and look unique and great doing it, but Chrono Trigger is a cut above the rest in that department. 

If I only have one complaint it's that Ayla's character design looks a little stupid, but she's a cavewoman so...I guess I'll survive. Besides, Frog's general awesomeness makes up for it.

More music!

The soundtrack is exceptional, to say the very least. Many consider it the best video game soundtrack ever; I personally put it just inches behind Final Fantasy VI, but that is hardly an insult. Every song on the soundtrack is memorable, which is something you can rarely say for any album, video game or otherwise. What I especially enjoy is the shift in tones between time periods. In the prehistoric period the music is more chaotic and drum reliant, while as you travel forward in time it fits the unique themes of where you are, all the way up to the funky kickin' rock beats of the future. I just...can't describe it any more. Go find a playlist on youtube and listen to them all. Seriously. It's incredible. 

Yes, more. Get over it. 

Chrono Trigger is a bonified masterpiece. There's just no question about it. Even today, where JRPGs are a dime a dozen, Chrono Trigger still stands out amongst the throng as the definitive JRPG experience. I replayed it on my original Super Nintendo cart a few months ago in preparation for a review, just to see if it really held up when compared to modern games. Guess what? It absolutely does. There's a reason they can keep re-releasing this game on the DS and PS3 and Wii Virtual Console and even the freaking iPhone without making any changes: Chrono Trigger is solid to this day. And not just solid, fantastic.

As I said before, if you haven't played Chrono Trigger and you are reading this blog...what is wrong with you? Clearly you love video games, how on earth did you miss this game?! Run (don't walk) to your local gaming store, or to your PS3 or Wii or iPhone or whatever the heck you own and get this game. Seriously. You will not regret it. 

I already gave a star score, but what the heck...here it is again: FIVE OUT OF FIVE STARS. 

I liked it so much I made this awesome perler bead creation for my wall. See more at my wife's blog. 

Bonus: The most badass scene in the game.

Crazy Taxi

The Short


Pros
- Faithful recreation of the breakneck arcade driving game
- Fantastic graphics for the Dreamcast
- Lots of settings let you tweak your experience to best suit you
- Challenge modes are a nice break from the regular game
- Very addicting, and also a lot of fun to just boot up and play a couple games
- Music by The Offspring and Bad Religion really bring the late 90s vibe home
- Seriously, this game is such a great time capsule

Cons
- Only has like four songs, and if you play a mode longer than 4-5 minutes you'll get them repeated
- XBLA/PSN version has NO licensed songs, just generic guitar stuff. Lame.
- Branding is also gone in the XBLA version, and this is the only time I'll say I liked in-game advertising
- The whole "CRAAAAZZZYYYY!!" aspect of the game can be really obnoxious
- Stuff your driver/passengers say is obnoxious
- Have to press a button to switch from drive to reverse. I know you jerks did that to take up time.
- At it's core, this game is very simple, and only has one real map

Time to make some CRAZY MONEY!

The Long

Crazy Taxi is yet another arcade game I saw frequently as a child and only got to play like three times. And the times I did play it I was so incredibly awful it wasn't a very enjoyable experience, mostly because I knew I could do better. I've always been oddly drawn to this game for some reason (maybe because I like both The Offspring and Bad Religion, thus proving I have awful taste in music) so when I finally picked up a Dreamcast this last week, I was stoked to find it was included in the bundle.

But now I'm old and jaded! Does the "rad," "crazy," "awesome" attitude of this late 90s arcade game still work today? Or is its repetitive arcade antics just too stupid and from a different time?

I'm gonna say this: I have played this game daily since getting my Dreamcast. So I'm gonna say it holds up.

And thus your adventure starts. Your CRAZY adventure!

Crazy Taxi is, at its core, an extremely simple game. Your goal is to pick up customers and deliver them to their desired locations as fast as possible, earning money and competing against the clock. Once you run out of time the game is over, and you are ranked and scored.

What Crazy Taxi does well is the little things that add to your score and time. Picking up customers gives a time boost based on how far away you have to travel, and delivering them quicker earns a bigger post-delivery time boost (usually just 2-5 seconds). You are given a standard fare based on distance, but doing CRAZY stuff in between can ramp up the fare. Driving recklessly between cars but not getting hit, doing sick jumps, or performing power slides will earn you extra change, comboing up as long as you can keep the CRAZINESS going. On one run I earned something like $200 extra between jumps, weaving through traffic, and just driving like a maniac. It's a great risk/reward system, and you have to use it to get any high scores.

This cannot possibly be safe. 

And that, in a nutshell, is the idea behind Crazy Taxi. It's an extremely addicting high score chase, and the game is great at popping up your current "rank" while you are playing so that you know if you smoked your old scores. While extended play can get a bit tiresome, it's absolutely addicting in short bursts.

There are a few other features that are worth noting. You are given four drivers to choose from, each with their own car and stats (and a fifth "secret" car which is just a bike with a cab attached). In the Dreamcast (and XBLA/PSN/PS2 versions) they have a variety of "challenge" missions included as well, that task you to do specific things in a time limit. These are hardly deep or anything, but are a nice diversion. 

The home versions also let you customize your time, difficulty, traffic density, and more. You can play where you don't get time added and just have 10 minutes to play, but let me tell you: removing the challenge of the timer makes this game boring. Just play Arcade. Trust me.

And now I have CRAAAZZZYYY insurance rates!

Is there anything negative about this bananas arcade action? Well...a few things. There's only one map, and while it's pretty large you can easily get stuck looping around the same areas each time. Sometimes the controls can come off as annoying (especially having to press one button to be in drive and another to switch to reverse; clearly this was because they wanted to suck up your quarters as you wasted seconds changing gears) and the car peels out randomly which is also obnoxious.

Perhaps the biggest point of issue for a lot of people is the sound. Now, with the "witty" banter between your driver and the customer is pretty much a no brainer for everybody: it's repetitive, lame, and sucks. The main point people bring up is the soundtrack. It consists of about four-five tracks from The Offspring and Bad Religion, two major punk bands the time Crazy Taxi was hitting arcades. Now, for me I like both these bands, and feel their hateful punk music blends well with the over-the-top rebellious attitude of Crazy Taxi. But some people straight up hate it, so if you do you can always turn the volume down.

A big downer, however, is that both the XBLA and PSN re-releases axed the licenses songs (as well as the product placement buildings like Pizza Hut or Tower Records). While you could argue that's an improvement, I'll still rather listen to The Offspring than bland generic guitar riffs. Just doesn't have the same 'tude, man. 

Brake, you fool, brake! 

As it stands, Crazy Taxi is a fantastic game, that is better on the PS2 and the Dreamcast if only because of its closer authenticity to the arcade original. While the "HD" re-release is fine (it isn't really very HD, to be completely honest) it loses a bit of the original flavor which, for a game like this, is like half of the game.

Regardless, Crazy Taxi still stands up as a fast, furious, and (dare I say it...) CRAZY arcade game even to this day. If you downloaded the demo off XBLA and dug it, by all means snatch it up either online or in a Sega compilation disc. Just be sure and blast some Offspring from your iPod for the full effect.

Four out of five stars for the original, three out of five for the rerelease.

But this guy will forever be creepy. 

Rampage World Tour

The Short


Pros
- Authentic to the arcade version
- Reboot/rerelease of the NES Rampage
- Three player co-op
- Unlimited continues

Cons
- Monotonous
- Repetitive in both gameplay and levels
- Graphics and sound are ho-hum
- Overall, doesn't stand the test of time

Smashing buildings in 64 bits

The Long

Rampage World Tour is one of the only two arcade games my local Wal-Mart had growing up, the other being the excellent fighter Samurai Shodown. Growing up I'd watch the demo play while my mother checked out at the store, wishing I had some quarters. Years later, I found out the game had come out on the N64, I figured it was time to finally fulfill my lifelong dream. \

And, just like Loopz, my childhood nostalgia was shattered. 

Rampage World Tour kind of sucks. A lot. 

So everybody's played this game's predecessor, Rampage, in its original arcade iteration, or at least heard of it and it's mediocre NES port. Here, I'll even give you a screenshot. 

GRAPHICS!

The basic premise of the original game is to climb buildings, punch them 'til they explode, and then move on to the next. After smashing all the buildings in an area you move on to punch some more. It gets tricky as the army and air force get pissed that you are leveling L.A., so they send tanks and planes and you have to punch those too. Also you can eat people. And that's about it. 

If it sounds tedious...it is. But this was back in a time of crappy arcade games that kept things simple and just adhered to an easy theme. You'd think that, two generations of consoles later, we'd have evolved this formula into something awesome. Well...no.

I honestly think this game is uglier than the 8-bit version. 

All you do is the same stuff. Punch buildings, punch planes, punch tanks, die a lot and have to continue. There really isn't anything unique or new in the whole system. You eat some things that heal you, and other things that hurt you. Pinnacle of gameplay. 

As for the "World Tour" aspect, that basically is just that you slowly work your way around different countries, smashing up similar looking locales based on where in the world you are. It's repetitive, stages recycle, and the game never seems to end. I know eventually you go to the moon, but after two hours of playing I just couldn't keep playing. It was the most boring, monotonous grind I've ever encountered.

The arcade version looks a very tiny bit better. But this game still is really boring. 

You can play this game with up to three people, who can hit each other, push them off buildings, and generally be jerks to each other. Since this isn't in widescreen and the camera is so zoomed in, you and your buddies will be fighting for space the whole way, and not in a good way. 

Graphically this game is hideous, especially on the N64. The flat sprites are poorly rendered, the enemies look poor, and even the explosions are dull. And in a game about destruction, when the destruction effects look like crap you really screwed up somewhere. And no amount of badly rendered high-skirted science ladies can make up for that. 

Skip this one. 

Rampage World Tour is a jump back into Lizzie, Ralph, and George's world destruction, but it isn't one you should take. Sure, the game was an arcade classic, but I now this thing is more of a mess than anything else. It's boring, ugly, and not even fun co-op. If you want to blow up the world, play Prototype or Hulk: Ultimate Destruction. Just don't play this game.

One out of five stars. 

Be afraid, George: your game sucks. 

Columns

The Short


Pros
- Addicting, somewhat unique puzzle game (if it is a bit like Tetris 2)
- Graphics/gems look ok
- Fun two-player game set up in a style that reminds me of Klax
- Can get quite difficult

Cons
- Music is so, so boring
- Game itself is also a bit boring and can get old pretty quick
- Speed picks up much too fast to make the game enjoyable
- Ancient Greece/Roman theme is meant to compliment Tetris' Russian theme, but doesn't pull it off

A puzzle game using jewels! How novel! 

The Long

It's fairly obvious where Sega was coming from with Columns. After seeing Tetris become a massive franchise for Nintendo, obviously they wanted something of their own to compete. Thus, Columns is born, spanning all Sega systems and even getting an arcade release. With its Greek/Roman theme, "drop stuff from the top of the screen" style and 16-bit graphics, was it able to overtake Tetris?

Well, you tell me. Are they re-releasing Columnes on every device known to man for inflated prices, or is that Tetris? This isn't a hard question.

Time to bust up some gems. 

The concept of Columns actually reminds me a lot of Klax, which I love (and Bejeweled, now that I think about it. And Pokemon Puzzle League. Huh.). The general goal is to get three of the same color of gem in a row to eliminate it. This can be done horizontally, vertically, or diagonally. The trick is that once gems are placed you pretty much are stuck with them; no swapping once they are down. Every titular "column" that drops down has three colors which can be shifted but never actually flipped. It's a simple concept, perhaps deceptively so.

In truth, Columns can be hard to wrap your brain around after playing any of the aforementioned puzzle games. It quickly becomes a war of attrition, you against your bad moves, and unlike Tetris you really don't have an easy way out should you make a mistake. The game is relentless, where even one minor screw-up could ruin a whole chunk of rows for good. 

Like most old cartridge games, Columns doesn't save your high scores. Which sucks. 

The game also seems to reach insane drop speeds much quicker than other games of the genre. Right when you think you've finally figured the game out and can stop sucking, the pieces go from being on the moon to being on the surface of Jupiter, slamming down into the ground with insane speed. It's aggravating, but I will admit there's some weird appeal to starting on the hardest level and just seeing how long I can survive.

The game isn't completely merciless, though. Randomly it'll drop a multi-colored awesome block, and whichever color it touches will be completely deleted. This can really save your skin, but I didn't really find any rhyme or reason as to when this lifesaving piece drops, so I guess it's just crossing your fingers and hoping.

Magic jewel, save me!

Perhaps the biggest factor in why this game didn't outshine Tetris (because despite my gripes, Columns has a relatively solid puzzle foundation) is the awful presentation. The game just looks incredibly boring. Gems are easy to differentiate, sure, but the backgrounds are ugly and nothing looks particularly good. Tetris on the NES also was bland, sure, but the lack of an attempt at an art style worked in its favor. Columns tried to do something with its Greek theme and failed, resulting in an ugly looking game.

As a bonus, both the sound effects and music are really bad. Especially the music. While I'll admit the weirdly reverbed "CRASH!" every time you drop a piece is somewhat amusing, the background tune that plays is obnoxious and uninteresting. It's not the assault on your eardrums that is Loopz, but it comes close.

Thanks, Columns, I would have never figured that out on my own. 

Ultimately, while I think there's some fun to be had with Columns (when playing with my wife we both got quite competitive trying to get high scores, which was pretty intense) it's usually short lived and in very short bursts. It doesn't latch its hooks into you like most of the other puzzle classics, and after a few games you'll be tired of it. It's hardly an awful puzzle game, but it is a good example of how mediocre presentation can take a game down.

Since you can grab it in the Sega 6-Pak cart for the Genesis, that would probably be your best option for getting the game (or in one of the many collection discs). Though, again, you'll probably not spend that much time with it. 

Two out of five stars. 

But hey, it has two title screens, so there's that. 

Hogan's Alley

The Short


Pros
- Simple light gun game where you shoot the bad guys and don't shoot the innocents
- Three game modes
- Game where you shoot the cans is actually quite challenging and fun

Cons
- Games A and B (where you shoot pictures of people) are slow and very dull
- Almost impossible to lose if you are even remotely good with the light gun
- Cycling through the lineup of enemies/city between shooting parts is so slow
- Really isn't much here to get excited about

We're hittin' up the black box titles. 

The Long

I really like the concept of the lightgun. It's just...a gun, and you shoot at things on your tv, and magically it works (if your TV is old. If you have a new TV, you're SOL). I like it so much I own two of these things for some reason (the orange and original gray one), as well as a handful of the lightgun games for the NES. I say handful, because seriously...they didn't release a whole lot.

This has nothing to do with the Hogan's Alley review, by the way. I was just pointing out I'm desperate for lightgun games, so I'll try anything at this point. Unfortunately, after replaying Hogan's Alley, I'm just not feeling it. With the exception of Game C, of course.

Plus, I always shoot the professor. Not my fault he looks like Gang-A!

So what do you do in Hogan's Alley? Well, if you thought "shoot gangsters," you were wrong, because these aren't real gangsters! The concept behind Hogan's Alley is that the alleged "alley" is actually a police station, and you are participating in one of those practice ranges that cops use to test their marksmanship. Well, that's too bad, and here I thought I was actually going to be able to shoot some dudes.

You have three game modes, which I will now briefly outline, complete with screenshots because text is for tools. 

Protip: Don't shoot the guy on the right. I know you want to, but...he isn't bad, I swear. 

So the first game mode involves wheeling out three characters with their backs to you. The game then flips them around and you have to shoot the bad ones (and not the good ones) within a time limit (usually a couple of seconds). They then wheel out the next batch and it repeats. That's it. That's the whole mode.

If this sounds monotonous, you are right. Had the game some sort of technological ability to tell you how close to the head or chest or whatever your shot landed, perhaps you'd have some goal to strive for. Or if it didn't take eight years between shooting sessions while it was moving the stupid cardboard dudes in and out, maybe it would be more tolerable. Or if it was actually, you know, hard. The only difficulty I ever had was I kept shooting the stupid Professor, and that was because I legitimately didn't know he wasn't a bad guy. Once I figured that out, I played for something like ten minutes without dying. Just going and going and going, never really getting any harder, never getting interesting either. 

NEXT.

At least Game B takes you outside. 

Game B ditches the boring lineup thing for an "urban" setting. Now you circle around a fake city, and instead of wheeling out the guys three in a row it wheels them out through various windows and what not. You then shoot the professor about ten times before realizing he isn't a bad guy, then shoot the bad guys. As you cycle around it goes from day to night, which was a nice touch, but ultimately this is just as boring as Game A, except now you don't have to look in just a straight line. And, like Game A, it takes forever to move between shooting sessions.

Couldn't they have the guys move more? Or move back and forth, or hide behind things for trick shots? Duck Hunt and To The Earth had moving targets, so I know we have the technology. Why are they all stationary? Why is this game so BORING?!

NEXT.

Game C is easily the best on the cart. 

After the awful first two games, does it get any better? Well, yes. For Game C Hogan's Alley ditches the "shoot cardboard cutouts of people" idea and instead just throws cans at you. Yep. The goal of the game is to shoot the cans and knock them up into the air, trying to land them on different areas for more points. The lower down the more points you get, and if you are the best shot in the west and land it on that little platform you get MEGA POINTS. 

Yeah, where did this game mode come from? It's totally unrelated to the rest of the game, the title, or anything else offered here. Maybe that's why it's actually the only interesting part in the game. 

While it won't exactly hold your interested for extended periods of time, it's actually challenging (unlike Game A or B) and shooting for high scores can be fun. Eventually there are so many cans on the screen it gets kind of bananas, and you'll find yourself shooting like a crazy person to survive. So hey...it actually scales in difficulty. Novel. 

This one gets a pass, even if it does get a bit repetitive due to it's simplistic nature. 

Whoops. Sorry, lady. 

As it stands, Hogan's Alley hasn't weathered the test of time very well. While I'm certain the concept and execution was something pretty impressive back when the NES came out, playing it these days is boring, fruitless, and honestly unenjoyable. While I do like Game C quite a bit, it isn't enough to pull this whole game up to the "worth playing" territory, and while collectors will want to own it to complete their "Black Box NES" collection, I hardly doubt anybody comes home from work thinking "Oh may! I can't wait to bust out the Zapper and play some Hogan's Alley!"

While it doesn't have as slow a start a To the Moon, considering only one game in this whole package is worth even looking at, I say with a heavy nostalgic heart that Hogan's Alley is weak. 

Two out of five stars. 

Both those stars were for you, can game. I'm sorry it had to end like this.