Metroid Prime

The Short


Pros
- Fantastic revival/reimagining of the Metroid franchise after years of nothin'
- Absolutely beautiful graphics and effects look great even to this day
- Sound design and music is top of its class in every category
- Manages to keep the Metroid feel while still being in a first person shooter perspective
- Plenty of puzzle solving and exploration for the hungry Metroid fans
- Scanning stuff in the environment was a clever and cool way to present story and flavor text
- The only first person game to date where I have felt in control of my jumps
- Seriously, I thought this game was going to ruin the franchise and it ended up being amazing


Cons
- Might have actually stayed too familiar to Metroid lore so much that it didn't branch out much on the creativity found in Super Metroid
- Scanning, while a cool idea, could get tedious
- Lock-on shooting is a great idea when it works, which is about 50% of the time
- While it does have a few "warps," worlds can take an extremely long time to traverse
- Places you go look beautiful but feel generic (grass world, water world, ice world, etc.)

This is how you revive a franchise. 

The Long

First things first: we are going to do a whole "listen to a song while reading this review" thing, like we did with the Lifeforce review. So get ready to crank up your speakers or headphones or whatever and listen to what I consider to be the best menu music of all time. 

This song is freaking amazing.

Got it going? Excellent. Let's get on with the review.

As stated in my Metroid Fusion review, the Metroid series went on a sort of hiatus after Super Metroid until November of 2002. Then we were blessed with not one, but TWO Metroid games released a single day apart: Metroid Fusion and Metroid Prime. They couldn't be more different. Fusion was a handheld game, a callback to the original 2D Metroids, while Metroid Fusion was a first-person shooter developed by Retro Studios, a Texas based developer. 

Fans flipped the crap out, doing the usual fan thing where they panned a game before even playing it, arguing that Metroid Prime was going to ruin the Metroid series and destroy everything they hold dear, as well as murder their cat and hold their mother hostage. You know, gamers. 

Then the game came out, and I kid you not when I say it was the best Metroid game since Super Metroid. And the trilogy that followed is easily one of the finest gaming has to offer. 

So let's dive in, shall we?

Hey, this ain't the Metroid I 'member!

Metroid Prime is, as stated, a first-person shooter. But it plays completely unlike one you've ever played before. In most FPS games on consoles, you aim with both sticks and the game requires tricky precision and skill. This is not the case in Metroid Prime. Either because the second stick on the Gamecube controller sucked, or because they needed it for other menu options, Retro opted that Metroid Prime have a lock-on system, actually more similar to the 3D Zelda games than anything else. "Doesn't that take out the challenge?" you ask. Well, no. Actually, it makes it so this game works as a Metroid game.

Let's glance back for a second at Metroid games before this one. There were three: Metroid on the NES, Metroid 2 on the Game Boy, and Super Metroid on the SNES. All these games were similar (and 2D) but there was one important aspect: these games are not really about shooting stuff. Blasting alien life comes second. The main point of the Metroid games is the combination of atmosphere with exploration (dare I say...atmospheric exploration is the point of Metroid?). Like most Nintendo games they were less focused on creating a diverse gameplay experience and more focused on taking you to a wondrous and interesting place for you to explore. Zelda has been doing this for years (and not doing anything with their gameplay...), and even the Mario games like Galaxy make you feel like you are going somewhere special. It's Nintendo's thing.

Pictured: goopy immersion

Retro Studios nailed this with Metroid Prime. By making the shooting easier they dropped the intense focus that one would normally have in these types of games. Instead, they made a game where shooting was secondary to the adventure at hand, which involved more exploration and environmental puzzle solving than anything else.

But hey, it's a "first person shooter." Doesn't that mean Retro screwed the pooch on this? How do you make an FPS game without any "S?" Well...like this game, actually.

Metroid Prime feels more Metroid than most in the series (and especially Other M). After an absolutely killer intro sequence where you land on a space pirate ship and then blow it out of existence, you are dumped on Tallon IV with the mission to find out what the crap those stupid pirates are up to. The world is wide open from the start, with you only being limited by what powerups you've obtained. Sound familiar?

WHAT OTHER GAMES DOES THIS REMIND ME OF?

The different areas of the world are gorgeous, diverse, and interesting to explore. The graphics of this game are completely stunning, with polygonal edges hardly noticeable and the effects particularly top notch. It does a ton to add to the immersion, which is exactly what you want when the goal of the game is to, you know, immerse you.

It should also be noted that while this game requires a hefty amount of first-person jumping, it never felt bad. Most games I never know where I'm jumping or landing, but in Metroid Prime the jumping was just floaty yet heavy enough that I easily grasped a hold of it. Not to mention when you jump Samus naturally looks down a little, allowing for easier landings. 

Oh hey, did the song above run out? Here's another one for ya.

Soundtrack = so good.

Anyway, everything Metroid is here. You use weapons to find secrets like more energy and missile tanks to get stronger. Bosses are on a massive scale and require some genuine cleverness to defeat. You can easily switch between the various "beam" weapons Samus obtains, and it even has a new trick with different "visors" that allow you to see heat-patterns on enemies (which is required for some). It all fits together so well it's almost unbelievable, creating an experience that I've yet to see done by any other company.

The only complaint I have with the design is this game might have been too afraid of its fans. By that I mean that, besides the change to a FPS view, the game borrows heavily from other Metroid staples. This isn't bad, and it's nice to see old favorites like the Varia Suit and Ice Beam back, but it makes the game feel like it's missing its own unique flavor. You also have blatant boring usual video game stuff in the worlds (fire world, plant world, desert world, ice world) that is not bad but not entirely original. Luckily they totally mixed this up in the sequel, which...I still haven't beaten. Video endurance run?

Those 'dem space pirates are still up to no good.

As previously stated, this game looks incredible. Even with regular composite cables from a 4:3 outputting Gamecube, Metroid Prime is a very pretty game. This is mostly due to the smooth transitions between artifacts, and the fact the whole thing just oozes its style. The visor looks extremely cool, and moves with your face with a sort of delay, like Samus is actually turning and the HUD is catching up. Other cool things that BLEW OUR MIND back in 2002 were when you look up at the rain drops appear on the visor, or if you are hit by a bright enough flash of light you can see Samus' eyes reflecting on the glass. This stuff is pretty common in FPS games now-a-days, but in 2002 it was a bloody amazing revelation. Even now I argue this game does it better than any other. 

The music is also absolutely standout. In a game based on atmosphere, music is everything. Super Metroid has probably the most atmospheric soundtrack of any game ever (well...except maybe the Silent Hill games). Metroid Prime delivers on all fronts with a soundtrack that is both catchy and sinister, hitting all the right notes and recycling old themes for good measure. I'm still amazed at how well they pulled this off.

Rocks shouldn't move like that. If rocks move like that, shoot 'em. 

There's been a weird amount of "fan" backlash towards this game in recent years (I swear it bounces up and down like a yo-yo; one minute they love it, the next they hate it, so on and so forth), but I still maintain the fact that this game is an absolute masterpiece. Is it perfect? Well, no...no game is. But even today replaying it I found it hard to quit, I would get so caught up in the beauty and of the world and the adventure of exploring. This is even more amazing when taken in context: Retro had next to nothing to go off of, yet were tasked to revive one of the most beloved franchises Nintendo had. The cards were completely stacked against them on every level, and still they blew all expectations away. There's a reason this is considered by many to be one of the best games of its generation: it's incredible.

Minor flaws aside, Metroid Prime is a game you really have to play. While it isn't a 2D Metroid game, I really couldn't care less. For me (and I'm sure any many, many others), this game was the catalyst that really sold us on the Metroid series, and because of it we became hardcore fans of all the rest of the games. So you did good, Retro. You did very, very good.

Five out of five stars. 

This is the part where I'm supposed to say something like "It was the Portal 2 of its generation" but I'm not going to. Because that's a stupid thing to say. 

Metroid Zero Mission

The Short


Pros
- Remake of the original Metroid game for the GBA
- Same basic levels, areas, and bosses but with refined controls and abilities
- Manages to blend both nostalgia and modern conventions flawlessly
- Difficulty setting is appreciated (Metroid games tend to be easy...)
- Exploration, atmosphere, and music are all kept intact
- Can be sequence broke, which I missed from Metroid Fusion
- Adds a bit more backstory to Samus' origins, which is appreciated
- Another excellent 2D metroid game

Cons
- Introduced Zero Suit Samus, which I consider to be what essentially ruined this franchise
- Might be too familiar for those deeply rooted into the first Metroid game
- Seriously, the skanky pictures of Samus you unlock at the end? Is that necessary?

Everything's coming back to me. 

The Long

After successfully bringing the Metroid franchise back to life with Metroid Prime and Metroid Fusion, Nintendo decided to jump back to its roots with Metroid Zero Mission. Simply put, Zero Mission is a remake of the original Metroid on the NES. You know, the one that looks like this:

The similarities are uncanny!

Upped with modern controls, graphics, and an extra "bonus" stage at the end, Metroid Zero Mission took the original concepts that made Metroid such a groundbreaking game and brought it up to par with the more recent series offerings. Does it succeed? Well...yes, with one rather major drawback.

Kraid. You've grown. 

While Zero Mission is a remake, don't expect to find the same level structure here. Any similarities were obviously put in as throwbacks, but not as part of the actual level design. While there are a few familiar scenes, this is a new Metroid game in terms of maps, layout, powerups, and more. And it's for the better because of it. As much as I love the original Metroid, the game was confusing, long, and difficult to traverse. While modernizing the series certainly made it easier, the increased accessibility is greatly appreciated, and makes the game more fun.

The overwrought narrative structure of Metroid Fusion is gone here, and we're back to the regular-old "drop you off on the planet, good luck!" structure of Metroid games. So if you were a fan of Super Metroid, this'll be right up your alley. As with all Metroid games the goal is to explore your world, gain power-ups to access future areas, use those powerups to get more powerups, backtrack if you want for even more upgrades, and fight bosses and find secrets. It's a pretty classic formula, and this is it after years of refinement. It shines. 

Jumping on big bubbles: check. 

It also brings back sequence breaking, something noticeably missing from Metroid Fusion's linear, story driven style. For the uninitiated, "sequence breaking" is where, using some tricks and advanced gameplay techniques, a player can bypass gameplay gates (ex: doors requiring missiles, etc.) in attempts at speedrunning the game. It's a staple of Metroid games, and you can tell they designed Zero Mission with that in mind (some endings require runs to be under an hour). My best time was fourty-five minutes, and I used to boot up this game and play through the whole thing before going to bed every night in an attempt to shave off a minute or two. Good fun.

But all in all the gameplay is just there as an extremely solid (if not particularly groundbreaking) Metroid game. Classics like the ice beam, super missiles, varia suit, and more return. It's an absolute blast and a great throwback to everything that made this series so memorable and great.

And now that I've sung its praises, let's talk about the worst thing that ever happened to Metroid: the "Zero Suit."

Dammit, Zero Mission. You ruined everything.

Let's me just say this first: it was a shock to everybody in the first Metroid game when it turned out Samus was, in fact, a girl. It was a point they push further and further home with every subsequent Metroid games. When you die in Super Metroid, you get a flash of her suit exploding and seeing that there was, in fact, a hot chick inside. In Fusion she talks and you know she's a girl. Prime doesn't pander, but if you beat the game with 100% she'll take her helmet off.

But it was Zero Mission that ruined Samus' character for me, perhaps permanently. 

Without going too deep into this (we'll save it for a video rant in the future), here is my issue. Samus has always been regarded as one of the (few) women in gaming who are not viewed as just a pretty face. What made her always interesting to me as a character is that she was competent, strong, extremely intelligent, and just so happened to also be a girl. Usually it's the male characters who are doing all the work (Mario/Link) while the female character is useless and sits around (Peach/Zelda). Samus kicked that notion in the teeth by being extremely badass while not being a blatant sex object. And, to be honest, I thought she was incredibly attractive because of it (as attractive as a pixelated game character can be). She extremely likeable because she was so good at what she did (a writer's trick to gain sympathy) and was generally the biggest badass in the universe. She didn't need to flaunt her sex-appeal because we liked her enough already (like Alyx Vance from the Half-Life 2 games). What was probably the most important was that I respected her as an individual. The fact that she was an attractive girl was just a bonus.

And yes, I know there was a code in Metroid where you pranced around as her without the suit, but bear with me here.

I can't even begin to describe how mad this makes me. 

So after several successful games of having Samus as a strong, likeable female character who is appreciated by fans not because of her boobs or shots of her ass, what does Nintendo do? Strips her from her signature power-armor, gives her a skintight suit, and makes you prance around as her. Oh, and the cutscenes give you a fantastic view of her butt and busty self (as do the ending cutscenes).

Hang on, I'm getting so mad now I need to go for a breather. Be right back.

Still here? Ok. Now, let me say this about the final mission in Zero Mission, where you spend the first half of it without a suit: I actually kind of like the idea behind the gameplay. Stripping you down (hur hur?) to where you are even weaker than you are at the start of the game (all you have is a little stun-gun that has to recharge) and focus more on stealth was clever, especially since you dropped from super-godlike to pathetic. It made for a good switch in gameplay, and made it so when you did recover your powerups you felt even more empowered than ever before. It was an excellent switch in tone and a fantastic capstone to the mission.

So why the crap did she have to be sexied up for it? Why couldn't she look normal?

Pictured: what was once gaming's strongest heroine

Let me state that I am fully aware that the rewards for previous Metroid games (based on time) was showing Samus without her suit. I got that. But there is a distinct difference between showing her in a sports bra at the end of a game, verses playing whole levels (and changing her character) while prancing around in...that. You could argue Samus has always been sexy, but it was more of a tease. It wasn't blatant, and while I still don't think it was a good thing to begin with, I was able to look past it because I never really associated it with her character. Samus was the badass woman in the suit, not the badass woman in her underwear.

The Zero Suit was the beginning of the end for Samus as a character. Now that we apparently had free reign to brand her as a sex object rather than focus on the real reason why she was awesome, Nintendo put it in everything. She is the only character in all of Super Smash Bros Brawl whose ultimate blows her clothes off, resulting in her prancing around in the skintight body suit after she uses it. In Metroid Other M, Nintendo thought it would be a good idea to give the Metroid franchise to f***ing TEAM NINJA, the sexist douchebags who thinks making a game about fighting game girls in bikinies and using motion controls to bounce an underaged girl's massive breasts is an awesome idea. So of course she's constantly switching into her skintight, body-shaping suit every five seconds in that game. Once they opened the floodgates to Samus moving from someone to idealize to masturbation material, there was no turning back. Metroid was ruined, and this game was the start of it.

At least Retro kept showing restraint with the future Prime games. 

Now that I'm done with that little tangent, let's finish up this review. Graphically, Zero Mission looks great, with new cutscenes illustrating climactic and classic moments (and Samus' ass...) as well as just some fantastic stylized pixel art as well. I don't think it looks quite as good as the theme presented in Fusion (and putting these games side by side you'll see a huge difference).

Music is also fantastic, remixing classic tracks perfectly to evoke the same themes. While some aren't quite as atmospheric as future Metroid games are known for, they bring a sense of awesomeness and adventure that works well with the game. Overall, the new songs are great. 

This song still gives me chills.

Standing on its gameplay conventions, Metroid Zero Mission is an extremely solid, well-crafted Metroid game. It's beautiful, looks great, and has a good deal of challenge (especially on "Hard," which is the best way to play the game), exploration, and adventure going for it. It isn't particularly long, but that can be said of all Metroid games. It's a thrilling ride, and an absolute blast to play.

It's just a pity that they had to do what they did to Samus' character. And seeing how Metroid: Other M was just a downhill drop from this one (and it sold awful and had horrible ratings), it could very well have been the thing that lead to the doom of the franchise. Let's be honest here: Nintendo hasn't announced any new Metroid games since Other M, and this is one of their flagship franchises. It could very well be that the awfulness of Other M (which I think partially stemmed from the "sexing and stupiding" up of Samus in Zero Mission) has killed the franchise.

Time will tell. Regardless, Zero Mission is still an awesome game, despite its setbacks.

Four out of five stars. 

I love you, Metroid. And you broke my heart. 

Metroid Fusion

The Short


Pros
- Brought Metroid back to its 2D Exploration roots
- Did something clever and unique with the Metroid formula in terms of combat and weapons
- Fantastic music and atmosphere, the staple of Metroid games
- A large space station to explore that opens up quickly
- Beautiful graphics
- The first Metroid game to actually have a "story" that was told to you rather than you making your own

Cons
- The story was a bit overdrawn and presented through long text scrolls
- Game could be a bit more linear than Super Metroid
- With the exception of one or two bosses, the game is very easy
- Often considered the "black sheep" of the Metroid series (though I think it is)

New ship, new suit, new Samus. 

The Long

A weird confession: Metroid Fusion was the first Metroid game I ever beat. Growing up we never had any home game systems, and it wasn't until I was a teenager that I managed to convince my parents to let me get a Game Boy Advance. With it I bought two games: Super Mario World and Metroid Fusion. I'd played a bit of Super Metroid on emulators, but had never really experienced a Metroid game before.

It absolutely floored me.

Imagine, if you will, somebody who has never played a Metroid game. Who has no idea how the map thing works, the exploration, and the atmosphere. It might have been the first time you booted up Metroid or Super Metroid, how that felt. It's a crazy thing when you load up one of these games and are just completely blown away by the atmosphere and tension the game throws at you.

Anyway, Metroid Fusion was essentially one half of the rebirth of Metroid, being released just one day after the 3D Metroid game, Metroid Prime. Fans had been clamoring for a new game since Super Metroid, and despite a cameo in Super Smash Bros. and Super Smash Bros. Melee, Samus had been absent. So...does this new mission and new take on the series bring things back to form?

New Samus actually monologues, though I'm pretty sure it's mostly just in her head. 

Metroid Fusion marks the final game on the Metroid timeline, and with good reason. It starts with Samus (who now works for the Space Federation) getting infected by an alien parasitic virus known only as "X" while on a mission. She manages to survive only by using a vaccine created by the deceased baby Metroid from Super Metroid. In order to save her, her power-suit (of which parts were grafted to her body) had to be removed, giving her a completely new suit, a new look, and the idea she was probably super mangled under there due to the disease.

I loved this intro, and love it more now that I've played Super Metroid. Fusion does one thing very well: incorporating the bits of Metroid we know and love (like the plot elements from Super Metroid) whilst simultaneously stripping them away. It's letting you know "Hey, we know the old games, but we are doing something new and we aren't afraid of it." It's a good "reboot" to the series, and actually a pretty cool plot twist in the timeline of things.

This game does get a bit chatty though. 

In terms of story, however, not all are for the better. Throughout the game you (as Samus) converse through an AI construct sent to guide you on your mission as well as unlock various levels on a space station Samus was sent to investigate. While some parts of this dialogue are interesting (and a twist reveals a surprisingly personal bit of Samus' backstory), most are too long-winded for their own good. May fans complained because the AI basically tells you where to go, removing the whole "explore everything with no hints" element from Super Metroid.

While I can agree that the chatting is a bit long (and not particularly well written...and slow to scroll through) I don't think it destroys that exploration element of the gameplay. Usually it just gives you a general idea of where to go, and your actual route ends up being quite different. Situations change frequently, requiring you to go off the beaten path and explore in order to continue. While Samus monologing for hours on an elevator is aggravating, I do appreciate they at least tried to flesh her out as a character. They certainly did a damn better job that that atrocity Metroid: Other M.

The game is gorgeous, especially for an early GBA game.

Beneath that, you are looking at a fairly standard Metroid game, with a few twists. You still spend a good chunk of time exploring (despite the game nudging you to the right areas), seeing items you can't get until you have the right powerups, and killing a variety of space life. Despite the whole game taking place on a space station, it's split up into different sectors that have unique themes and keep it interesting. Perhaps one of the coolest parts is when you visit an area early one, and there are weird crawling caterpillars about. When you leave they've started to crystallize, and when you come back much later the husks are on the ground and these crazy hornet flying things are there instead. Revisiting areas after the X (or SA-X, a weird parasite Samus clone) have visited them is cool.

Exploration is limited, though, until really the very end of the game when you have enough powerups to go free-reign across all areas without restriction. But, to be honest, this has been true of Super Metroid as well, it just didn't wear it on its sleeve as obviously. Rather than tell you to go somewhere, Super Metroid just locked all the doors with power-up restrictions until you got them later. Yeah, it was less obvious, but the concept is still the same. 

That can't be good. 

So you spend most of the game exploring, finding powerups, using tricks to get to other powerups (though infinite bomb-jumping is gone, which sucks), and watching short text cutscenes. Like all Metroid games, Metroid Fusion has its share of awesome bosses, though Fusion seems to throw a boss at you before you can say "Power Suit." It's actually kind of like the Zelda games: if you get a power-up, expect to fight a boss who will require that power-up's use, sort of a trial-by-fire. At least, unlike Zelda, Fusion seems less blatant about it. 

There are a few other minor changes. Since Samus is infected with the Metroid vaccine, she now has a natural weakness to ice (what a cool touch), so you can't use the ice beam but now have ice missiles. Cold areas also hurt her much more than they did before, and she is susceptible to being frozen. She also looks completely different than in previous (and future) Metroid games, which I think is very cool. It's kind of crazy they took Samus out of retirement to so dramatically alter her appearance, but I think it was a move in the right direction and something the series needed (along with the 3D switch to Prime).

The music can't compare to Super Metroid, but it still is quite good. 

Of course, Metroid games are nothing without atmosphere, and Fusion fires on all cylinders here. Paired with the absolutely gorgeous pixel art is a sense of darkness and foreboding reminiscent of Super Metroid, in a good way. Areas are dark and creepy, some requiring Samus to turn on a light and only see a distance in front of her, and the X-mutated monsters are disgusting, creepy, and would fit right into a sci-fi horror movie. While it might be pushing its "look how creepy this game is!" a bit harder than most other games in the series, I think it works very well, and the X is a formidable and gross opponent. 

The music is also top notch, if among the weakest in the series (it's still better than Other M, though). But the weakest in a Metroid game is still leagues above others; it fits the atmosphere and adds to the creepy sense of dread. It could have been a little better, but for what it is we'll take it. 

The heat ripples are awesome. 

As it stands, Metroid Fusion is a fantastic game, despite being a bit chatty. It's a relatively quick run (probably due to its slightly more linear approach), and if you axed the cutscenes you could probably beat it in under an hour. My record was an hour and a half, blasting through all the text and missing most of the items. And while Metroid games scream "replay value," this one's overzealous story does tend to detract from that a bit.

All that aside, Metroid Fusion is still absolutely great, and if you haven't played it you should. While it can be tricky to find something to play GBA games on these days (you'll need either an original GBA, an original DS or DS Lite, or the GBA player on the Gamecube), the game HAS been re-released 3DS e-shop, so get on that!

As a 2D return to form, Metroid Fusion delivers. It's a crying shame that it's sequel, the 2D Metroid Dread slated for the DS, was scrapped. A real damn shame.

Four out of five stars. 

See you next mission.

ToeJam & Earl

The Short

Pros
- Unique blend of funk and roguelike
- A roguelike without most of the usual roguelike elements
- Funny items, powerups, and dialogue
- Soundtrack and characters are funky fresh
- Randomizing levels makes each game unique
- 2-3 hours a run make for a fun quick run
- Two-player co-op is done flawlessly

Cons
- Main character movement speed is just slow enough to be frustrating
- Randomized levels and items can royally screw you over
- Falling several floors can lead to serious frustration
- No save feature
- Graphics are good but not great
- XBLA release never happened

It's time to get funky.

The Long

If you haven't played it, you probably have no idea what ToeJam & Earl is. I know I had no idea, even when I saw it at the store and ended up buying it. I knew it was funky, and that it starred two rapping aliens (how many games can say that?), and that people loved it. Beyond that? You got me.

It wasn't until I booted the game up and played a few rounds both single player and co-op that I realized what ToeJam & Earl is: it's amazing.

Sinkin' in the custard

The plot is hardly worth mentioning. ToeJam (the red, multi-legged one) and Earl (the fat, starfish one with killer jams) are space rappers from the planet Funk-o-tron who were unfortunate enough to crash land on Earth. The pieces to their ship scattered, so now the space rapstars are off to recover the pieces and get back to Funk-o-tron.

It's nonsensical, but the game sells its style to a level only comparable to something like Earthworm Jim. The quips between Earl and ToeJam (assuming you are playing co-op) is hilarious and amusing and fits the theme ("Sup, Earl?", etc.). The items you pick up tend to be junk food (or just junk, like moldy bread) and are accompanied by a hip reaction. My favorite is the Root Beer, which makes your character burp non-stop for the next couple minutes (interrupting cutscene dialogue, even). It's goofy, stupid, and taken to exactly the right level to work.

Earl: Sleepin' on the job. 

I'm willing to bet by this point in the review, after looking at the screenshots, you still have no idea how you actually play this game. And that's fair; the screenshots don't really tell you anything. Essentially: ToeJam & Earl is a rogue-like. Yes, a rogue-like. Like The Binding of Isaac.

What makes it unique is how it strips away most of what would be considered staples of the rogue-like genre. You hardly ever kill enemies; usually your best (and only) option is to run. It isn't turn-based. While you do level up, it's expressed in the "titles" at the bottom of the screen ("ToeJam is a Wiener" being the equivalent to "Level One," and it moves up from there). Experience isn't gained by killing enemies but exploring squares on the overall map. It's a wild concept: an (essentially) combat-free rogue-like. And it works...quite well.

This game has some weird enemies. 

The main trick is presents. Scattered across the randomly generated maps (though you have the option to play through a non generated set) are presents which you can pick up and use. These can either help or hurt; you won't know until you actually use them. After you do you'll know for all future presents (unless you get the present that re-mixes up stuff so you don't know...the worst thing ever), so you can avoid crappy ones and stick to using the good ones. These range from weapons to health, but most are ones that help you better traverse the environment or escape enemies (like bounce shoes or wings).

Then you hit the staple of the rogue-like: the risk/reward. Exits are usually fairly easy to find (based on the random aspect, but still...). Do you bail and get up to the next level, or keep wandering in hopes that you'll find something good? The game will tell you on each floor if it has a spaceship piece (so you can't really miss them, thankfully) so is it worth going to grab stuff that might kill you? 

And that's the real hook: deciding whether or not to eat that unknown present, or just trash it. To continue adventuring on risk of death, or just move on. And it's a constant decision, and it's great.

Two funky dudes. 

I can't go further without mentioning the absolutely excellent co-op. The game uses a dynamic split screen feature as you and a friend are crusin' around as ToeJam and Earl. When you are close together, the screen merges and you both wander around (and any powerups used will be used on both, which gives you incentive to stay close). Split up and the screen will cut down the middle, each half focusing on each specific character until reunited. You can even be on different levels and the game will keep it up. Splitting up to explore the world makes this game a lot funner, and having to work together with power-ups only adds to that.

Despite all this, ToeJam & Earl has some rather annoying flaws. My biggest complaint would have to be the movement speed. While I enjoy the vibe of the game where I'm just relaxin', crusin' around with my homeboy Earl as we explore this weird earth, their movement speed is so slow it can be incredibly tedious to backtrack (or even move forward). You can get powerups that increase movement speed for a limited time, but they are still just swaggering around at the speed of slow. 

This only gets more aggravating with my next big issue: the random worlds sometimes screwing you. Now, I know this is a rogue-like, so sometimes you just get dealt a crappy hand. But considering this game is based on layers (which you can easily fall off the edge of, dropping you to the previous world where you have to walk back to the elevator), it is extremely frustrating when you drop onto an island, only to have to drop down again just for hope to get to an elevator. Once, due to one small mistake (or rather, an enemy grabbing me and throwing me off), I had to backtrack back up five levels. That's about the time I want to turn the game off, especially since ToeJam is blissfully under motivated in terms of walking speed. 

Screwed. Over. 

Graphically, ToeJam & Earl looks fine, but not particularly extravagant. I love the absolutely bizarre enemies: giant hamsters in balls, people dressed up as devils, an angry mom pushing a screaming kid around in a shopping cart, Santa, a mad scientist, and more. The worlds look good but "samey," with little variety throughout the quest to the stars. It's passable (and the vibrant colors are appealing, as is the funky font) but a bit underwhelming.

Music is absolutely jammin'. While I'm a bit sad there's a limited number of tracks, the songs are so catchy I can forgive it. Not to mention the best elevator music ever as you go up a level (that beat is sick, bro). The sound design is also great, with lots of voice work that sounds surprisingly clear on the Genesis. 

"Tomato Rain" might be the best named power-up ever. 

I will admit: I had no expectations when going into this game, and I was pleasantly surprised. ToeJam & Earl is a bit insubstantial single-player, true, but with a friend who is willing to chill out and just get funky in space elevators, ToeJam & Earl is a blast. It's a bit dated with its slow movement speed and minor issues, but ultimately it was ahead of its time and certainly worth checking out if you have any interest in rogue-likes.

A Genesis cart can be a bit pricy (between $20-$30), but they re-released this game on the Wii Virtual Console for a mere $8. This game was supposed to come out on Xbox Live Arcade in 2009, but apparently some copyright disagreements closed it out. Unfortunate. It's also too bad the sequel, Toejam and Earl in Panic on Funk-o-Tron ditched the rogue-like elements and made it a platformer, which doesn't have quite the charm (I already have quirky platformers, thanks). 

Still, worth a shot if you are into something wholly original and completely weird. Four out of five stars.

See you, space funksters. 

Excitebike

The Short


Pros
- Fun, challenging dirt-bike action
- Simple controls combine with unique tracks to keep the game fun
- Race with or without other cars
- "Programmable Series" meant you could make your own tracks to race on!

Cons
- No multiplayer
- Only five tracks
- US release didn't have a battery to save your custom tracks; they erase when you turn off the system

The precursor to the Trials games

The Long

Excitebike is another of the "black box" NES games, the collection that was part of the original launch of the NES in the United States. It was one of three games out of the release batch (which included games like Hogan's Alley and Golf) that was in the "Programmable" series, the others being Wrecking Crew and Mach Rider. As I've pointed out before, the NES release library in North America was really hit or miss, with some being fantastic games while others have aged quite poorly. Where does Excitebike lie on this spectrum?

Excitebike is (for the two people in the whole world who don't know) a motorcycle racing game with an emphasis on course-related obstacles. The goal is simple: beat the time to get in first place, while not crashing constantly on the tricky courses. You have four "lanes" to choose from, which can be used to dodge either stuff left on the course (rough patches, etc.) or other drivers. It's a simple idea but one that can prove to be very addicting as you strive to beat old high scores. 

Mash buttons if you crash to climb back to your bike faster. 

You essentially have only two options, and neither of them are "brake." You have the gas, which you'll have to let off of for tricky jumps, and a "boost," which will give you a blast of speed so long as you hold it down but will also raise the "Temp" gauge in the middle. Max out the Temp and you'll overheat, which isn't a good thing. Also, going too fast increases the risk of crashing, unless you have the skills to handle it.

Directional controls are also simple. Up and down changes lanes, which can be used to shift over to jumps or avoid other racers. Forward and backward are the meat of the game: they'll control how your biker leans and are necessary to master if you are going to land jumps. That, in a nutshell, is how you play Excitebike.

Poppin wheelies for fun and profit. 

There are three modes in Excitebike. The first is just racing against the clock with no other drivers. While it's nice to not be constantly ran off the road, this mode is a little dull. The second is the choice to race with other motorcycles. Contrary to what you might think, you aren't racing against them; it's still against the clock (kind of like how the other cars in Rad Racer only exist to get in your way). This ramps up the challenge as you try to avoid the racers while not eating it on the course, and is probably the best way to play the game.

The final option is where the "Programmable" comes from. The game comes with its own course editor, meaning you can create some pretty insane tracks. The editor is a bit archaic but is still functional, and I was able to make some pretty zany tracks for my guy to crash constantly on. 

The biggest problem with the editor is that the North American release of Excitebike, for whatever reason, doesn't have a battery/memory backup to save the tracks, meaning once you turn the system off they are gone forever. Luckily, in both the GBA and Virtual Console re-release the game will save tracks, though the GBA version only saves one track. 

This is not gonna end well. 

So the main question remains: is Excitebike still fun? Well...yes, actually. Even with only five courses and no multiplayer, Excitebike remains a blast to this day. While you could argue that games like Trials HD or Joe Danger are essentially the evolution of this game (and they are, with one focusing on extremely difficult physics challenges and another more stunt-based), Excitebike still holds up as being a lot of fun. It's unfortunate that the fun is limited to either five tracks or the time you are willing to spend making your own (and then have them disappear when you turn off the system, if you are playing on the original cart) but the game is still challenging and fun even if it doesn't save.

It also still looks quite good, with the clean interface making it very easy to see what you are up against. The sound effects are also extremely memorable, with the engine grumbling as you blast it forward being a highlight.

On your marks...

I'd recommend Excitebike to this day. While I wish the Virtual Console version had a way to make tracks and share them over the internet (and have a wider number of save options), the original is still a blast to play. It's just solid all around, with its biggest issue being that you will get bored of the five tracks. When that happens, pick up one of the previously mentioned "spiritual successors" to continue the fun.

Three out of five stars.

A winner is you. 

Earthworm Jim 2

The Short


Pros
- More zany, weird platforming from the guys at Shiny
- Did I say "platforming?" Add on isometric shooting, floating, and catching puppies
- Humor is back and better (and weirder) than ever
- The "snot grapple" adds some new platforming bits to the game

Cons
- Platforming controls as Jim can still be a little floaty
- Jim's idle animation looks...odd
- Some levels feel a bit unfair
- SNES version looks considerably worse than the Genesis version

Pig Slides. I think we're onto something here. 

The Long

As much as I love the first Earthworm Jim, I can't help but feel it was Shiny cutting their teeth on the whole "platforming" business. See, while Earthworm Jim was a good action-platformer that was essentially saved by its silly humor, Earthworm Jim 2 is where Shiny just went completely insane. While I guess I could still label it as a "platforming," Earthworm Jim 2 jumps genres and playstyles so frequently it's hard for me to really nail that down. 

But let's just get into it all, shall we?

It has an isometric shooting stage. 

Earthworm Jim 2 starts out normal enough...as normal as an Earthworm Jim game is, anyway. A "regular" platforming level where you blast your way through enemies, carry pigs and push them down slides, use pigs as weights to solve puzzles, and use snot to climb across the ceilings. You know, usual platforming stuff. 

Then you get to the first boss, who is a fish in a tank. Riveting. 

Hold on to your butts!

The next level begins to show the clever adjustments that Shiny has implemented in the game. Now you are in an ant farm, and you have to shoot dirt down from the ceiling to make ledges and passagesways to get out. It isn't a particularly difficult level, but after a "regular" level it's a bit weird.

Then you are bouncing purple puppies on a giant marshmallow to try and get them to a doghouse unharmed. Man, this game just got weird. 

I'm not kidding. Giant marshmallow. 

Things only get crazier from here. The next level Jim in inexplicably a blind cave salamander who can float/fly, and the stage is a mix between vertical platforming where you have to dodge the walls, a pinball machine, and a quiz show. Next to that is an isometric shooting stage where you have to push a bomb to the end of the level, and in the next you have to carry a cow through a difficult platforming stage. Next is a level where Jim blew his head up and is again another vertical segment, followed normal level where you fight through paperwork, and then Level "Ate," which is exactly what you think.

Pictured: Puns. 

For the ninth and final level you are running from a boss set to the third movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, and then you get the suitably weird ending. Seriously...that's, what, three normal levels? Four? Earthworm Jim 2 just keeps mixing things up when you least expect it. While the first was pretty much a straight platformer, Earthworm Jim 2 is far from it.

And I love the game because of it.

I wasn't kidding about the salamander thing, either. 

The random mix-ups in gameplay keep the game interesting and fresh, especially for a first-time player. Unlike Earthworm Jim, where the platforming suffered because of the floaty controls, since you are constantly switching gears the somewhat imprecise controls on each game type are more forgivable. I will admit the isometric shooting stage was by far the most aggravating (having to push a stupid bomb forward while dodging enemies is extremely obnoxious), but there are enough tricks that eventually you'll get it. While the game is completely disjointed by its schizophrenic, ADHD approach to game design, it somehow manages to work. And because of that it's a vastly superior game than its predecessor. 

Just floatin' along. 

Graphically, Earthworm Jim 2 looks just as good at its predecessor, complete with the absolutely incredible animations. The varying stages allow for different art styles and a bizarre mix of real images with the cartoony graphics which, like the game design, somehow meshes together well despite itself. The backgrounds look especially good, with some fantastic vistas that are gorgeous to look at.

Sounds design is also stellar, with all the incredibly weird sound effects fitting in with the insane visuals and gameplay. Voice clips are crisp (or crisper than other games at the time, at least) and add to the oddball presentation. 

And there are cows between each level. Why not. 

There really isn't any other game like Earthworm Jim 2, not even Earthworm Jim. Combining elements from tons of genres and then adding their own touch of weirdness to the mix, Shiny has created something wholly unique. While Earthworm Jim certainly did its own thing, it's Earthworm Jim 2 that I feel the series really found its identity. It's too bad it never really went anywhere after that (Earthworm Jim 3D is...yeah). 

This game is available on the Virtual Console and is absolutely worth picking up. Here's hoping that we'll see a true 2D followup to Earthworm Jim sometime in the near future. If there's any series I'd like to see revived, it would be this one.

Four out of five stars. 

A touching ending to our hero's tale.