Astyanax

The Short


Pros
- Fun action-platformer that reminds me a bit of Castlevania
- Big, good looking sprites and excellent background art
- Music is also quite standout
- Charging attack power is a cool idea that eliminates button mashing
- Game strikes a good balance of difficulty from beginning to end
- I dig the Greek-ish theme
- Has BUILT IN CHEATS!

Cons
 - Having a big sprite can lead to cheap hits
- Many bosses and mini-bosses can just be cornered and stuck in place
- Can be difficult to completely gauge hit boxes/distance your weapon reaches
- Some cheap pit deaths (World 4-1 I'm looking at you)
- Dying at any point in the stage starts you over. No mid-level checkpoints here!
- That cover art looks freaking terrible

Astyanax: The Quest to Legally Change Your Name

The Long

Astyanax is an action platformer. It's also the name of the main character, whose parents clearly hated him because they named him freaking "Astyanax." As he says in the opening cutscene: "It's Greek. I think." Way to go, dude. You have the weirdest name ever and you didn't even wiki it.

Turns out Astyanax is the son of Hector of Greek mythology, one of the key players in the battle of Troy (from the Illiad). So he's got that going for him, even though his name would be a pain in the butt to fill out on scantrons. 

Anyway, Astyanax as a game was one I never really played until very recently. I'd heard a bit about it before, and my local retro game store always seems to have like fifteen copies for some reason (always a good sign...). After a while I finally caved and picked it up, and after some initial frustrations...I actually kind of dig it. 

Purple skeletons? That's some Castlevania level crap right there. 

The story of Astyanax is pretty silly. Astyanax (the character, not the game) is just some regular anime high school freshman, chillin with his homies who I'm assuming also have weird names. That is, until a fairy named "Cutie" shows up and whisks him away to a magical world to save some hot princess babe from a guy who looks like a viking and his assistant, Skeletor. At least, I think this is the plot; the text scroll is so tediously slow during every cutscene it makes it hard to sit through. But hey, at least all the cutscenes look cool if they are insanely slow going.

The point being that Astyanax (again, the character not the game) turns into a Greek Warrior Badass™ and is given a magic axe that turns into other weapons to murder stuff with. And thus our adventure begins...

More like Ass-tyanax. Thank you, I'll be here all night. 

Astyanax (the game, not the character) is a fairly standard action platformer with only one...or maybe two real unique bits. Astayax (the character not that...you know what? You get it. Besides, I totally already did this joke before) first has a bunch of...really big sprites. As you can see from the screenshots, they are a bit chunkier than normal action platformers. Personally, I like it because it gives the game a unique style, but it also means enemies are bigger and you have less room to play around in. Can be a bit tricky.

The other gimmick is the "PW" bar at the bottom. Similar to Secret of Mana, after Astyanax swings his strength must recharge if he wants to do a full power attack. The longer you wait, the more damage it does, which means button mashing quickly becomes ineffective. It's a cool trick that works very well, especially since the hit detection in THIS game actually works (that's right, another Secret of Mana jab).

The game is colorful and distinct. I like how Astayanx "pops" out of the background.

In terms of gameplay, Astyanax actually reminds me a lot of Castlevania, if not quite as clunky as the original game. This is an action platformer were you are best rewarded by taking your time and being careful (as the PW meter helps push home) and accessing jumps and enemies before you. While it isn't nearly as hard as Castlevania, it still invokes that same feeling that you can "get better" at the game through patience, repeats, and memorization. The game can be pretty difficult at first if you just plow through it (again, like Castlevania), but to those who approach it carefully there's a lot of fun to be had here.

This is probably due to the relative leniency in the game's difficulty. To be honest, I made it all the way to the Stage 3 boss without ever knowing how to use my magic (labeled with an SP bar on the bottom) because I had no idea how to do it. Turns out it's Up+B (again, Castlevania). Way to fail at games, Nathan. 

Nathan vs Learning How To Play The Damn Game

Regardless, this game is considerably less cheap than many other "hard" NES games. The infamous "jump back" when you are hit that seems to permeate these types of games isn't nearly as awful (I didn't find it flinging me off pits too often), bosses have easy patterns that even a novice gamer will figure out through trial-and-error, and you are constantly rewarded with a satisfying explosion whenever you dice an enemy to bits. 

There are a few minor annoyances, the main one being the constantly spawning blob-amoebae things that seem to be in every stage. Seriously, they're like the Medusa heads only smaller and more of them. Luckily they are easy to kill but still...every stage seems to have tons of flying things.

Another minor gripe is the fact that the distance your sword reaches is hard to fully determine. To be honest, you actually swing a few pixels past his slashing arc, meaning you can be further away than you think you need to be in most cases. That's probably actually a good thing (the longer range the better), but the dissonance between the graphic and the attack threw me off for a bit. 

You took the words right out of my mouth, Cutie. 

You have three available magics: a time-stop move, a fireball spread, and a room-clearing lightning. What's obnoxious is how you switch between them. You'd think it would be the Select button since, you know, you are selecting magic, but no...Select doesn't do anything at all. After experimentation I finally figured it out: You have to pause the game (which doesn't bring up a menu or anything; it just pauses it) and then press Up or Down on the D-Pad to change your magic. Alright?

You also have three weapon types you can get, which increase in power as you upgrade them, but in truth you should stay on tier 2 (the spiky sword). For some reason mana costs change based on the weapon you have, and the spiky sword (while doing middle of the road damage) makes all your magic super cheap. Time freezing enemies forever? You bet!

I'm gettin' some Capcom vibes from this tune.

As stated, I really dig the look of Astyanax. It has a bright, colorful pallet with excellent pixel art and big sprites, and I also like the Greek mythology theme it has going on. The music is also very good throughout, as are the sound effects. Overall, it's a solid package, and while only a few songs are memorable (like the one above), it still leaves a good enough impression as a whole.

Is that the demon from Demon's Crest? Also, that background is CRAZY!

I actually didn't have very high expectations going into Astyanax, but after playing through it a few times I really started digging it. It does have a few other things I didn't mention, like the fact that if you die anywhere on a stage it dumps you at the very, very beginning (even if you are at a boss...no checkpoints here!) and drops your weapon down a level. But it also has built-in cheats you can enter in the title screen, so no Game Genie is required if you are a lazy cheater!

But, to be honest, you probably won't need them. Despite a few difficult stages, Astyanax strikes a fair difficulty from start to end. And with unlimited continues and a fairly forgiving life bar, through practice this is a totally beatable NES game. It's easier than stupid Karnov at least. 

If you have any affinity for the action-platformers of the 8-bit era, Astyanax is absolutely worth picking up. I'm honestly surprised this game isn't as well known as its contemporaries, considering it is a completely solid game from start to finish. 

Four out of five stars. 

I was gonna end with a Golden Axe joke, but I got nothing. Insert your own humor here. 

10,000,000

10,000,000

Buy it here.


The Short


Pros
- Addicting fusion of puzzle and RPG elements, akin to Puzzle Quest
- Gameplay is extremely fast and gives constant rewards
- Upgrades, challenges, and perks further the push the "one more run" concept
- Charming music and retro 8-bit style (if that style is a bit overdone)
- No in-app purchases. Bravo!

Cons
- Can prove difficult at first, with runs only lasting a few seconds
- Endgame push to the finish can be a horrendous grind
- Music is enjoyable but extremely repetitive

Get ready to fuel your puzzle addiction

The Long

Plenty of gamers berate the advent of iPhone gaming, which has always baffled me. The iPhone has done two very important things for gaming in general: added tons more players to the mix (making gaming more mainstream than ever) and bringing on the rise of the $1-$5 game. It's an oft-spoke argument between gamers which is better: a $40 3DS game or 40 $1 iPhone games? And while it's true that most of the stuff on the iPhone App Store is a consumer trap, there are some absolutely incredible games hidden amongst the garbage.

One of these hidden gems is 10,000,000, a game cursed with both a stupid name and a horrible icon. However, once you get into this puzzler rpg, you might find it hard to quit.

Not quite ten million...

The goal of 10,000,000 is simple: do a dungeon run that earns you ten million points. In order to accomplish this lofty goal, you'll need to gain power and hone your skills. See, 10,000,000 is a fusion of an rpg, one of those "constant runner" games, and a puzzle game. While I admit to having an affinity to Puzzle Quest, I have yet to find a game that blends the two in such a way that I can't stop playing. Sword & Poker was decent but didn't really do it for me, and others have come and gone (the indie scene is full of 'em). 10,000,000, however, does it right: by mixing the best of both genres.

The gameplay is simple. Your character on the top of the screen will keep running until he runs into something (a chest, a locked door, or a monster). It is up to you to help him defeat/unlock said obstacle by matching the correct tiles on bottom (keys for locks, wands and swords for enemies). Some enemies are weaker to magic attacks (wands) and others to physical (swords), so it's important to keep an eye out for that. When he runs into something it slowly pushes him backwards, and if he reaches the far left side of the screen your run (and score) are done.

The game is complex but has a good tutorial.

Matching blocks is identical to PopCap's Chuzzle (this is not a Bejeweled clone, unlike 99% of the app store). Rather than switch pieces you instead slide rows or columns until three of a kind (or more) are lined up. It's a simple idea that worked great in Chuzzle and works better here, because it has a point.

But where the game gets crazy is in the amount of things you earn. Killing enemies earns you XP. Opening chests earns you gold. Other things you match include stone, wood, item bags, and shields. Stone and wood are accumulated to repair your castle to buy better upgrades. Item bags have a random chance to give you expendable items to help your run. Shields are used to protect you from enemy hits because, rather than having health, enemies just push you further to the far side (and the end of your run) if they land a hit. Storing shields is essential for late-game runs.

Home, sweet home. 

There's more. XP can be spent on passive perks that permanently improve your character (ranging from more XP, more points, and additional ways to add time to the clock such as matching 5-in-a-row or opening chests). Gold is spent on the plethora of upgrades: swords, wands, armor, and shields all need to be upgraded. Each shop also has it's own level-up mechanic, which you pay wood and stone to unlock further tiers of weapons.

Yes, it's a game that plasters you with resources and rewards your every move, and that's why its so addicting. On top of that system, every run you have a set of three challenges you can accomplish for bonus gold and fame. These start easy but soon get very tricky, requiring some skillful (and fast) play in an already fast-paced game. But it gives runs more to strive for other than "get more resources," which just intensifies the addiction.

There are plenty of upgrades to obtain. 

There is a load of content here for you to dig through as you shoot for that ten million sweet spot, and while the ride is a fun one there are a few hangups. The music, while a catchy 8-bit style, only has about 3-4 songs for your runs and quickly gets repetitive (even if runs usually only last between five seconds and a minute). It is charming at first and then quickly is grating, so turn the sound off.

The other bigger issue is the late-game. While you can use "alteration tonics" to change the game so you don't get resources you don't need (turn your gathered stone and wood into gold, for example), it still comes down to having to grind for gold during the final few tiers. It's frustrating and a bit obnoxious, especially since the pace up to that point offered just the amount of rewards over time to keep you going. I seriously played this game for something like six hours straight, only stopping because I had to sleep. It's a pity the end degenerates into gold farming. 

Kill the uglies!

Despite that minor complaint, 10,000,000 is a fantastic and addicting iPhone experience. Getting better at the underlying puzzle directly correlates with in-game progression, so you get that sense of accomplishment as you become a master at row and column sliding. Because of the limited number of resources chains come easily, and are satisfying to watch and make you feel awesome when you crush an enemy in one move. While the underlying rpg elements are particularly deep, they are good enough to make you actually have to decide how to build your character. Spend the gold and make a glass cannon, or save up and upgrade your armor? Or just grind and GET IT ALL?!

At the insultingly low price of $2, 10,000,000 is absolutely worth getting if you own any iOS device. The app is even universal, so both iPhone and iPad owners can play the game at the low price. I hope this game becomes a big hit (there's been plenty of buzz about it these last few days), as it is a thrilling, fast paced puzzler that is absolutely worth your $2. If only the ending didn't break down into monotony. 

Four out of five stars, but considering the price I'd absolutely recommend everyone pick it up. 

Suffer not a pixelated beastie to live. 

The Legend of Kage

The Short


Pros
- High-speed action game where you can be a high-flying ninja/warrior/guy
- Fast, with responsive controls, crazy maneuvers, and high-octane arcade action
- Extremely satisfying once you "figure it out"
- Has the whole "one more round" thing going on

Cons
- Has proven to be extremely polarizing
- Music and graphics aren't particularly great
- Extreme difficulty (and some cheapness) will turn many off
- Only four stages that just cycle over and over
- No explanation of goals on the first world can prove confusing

It is time to become the ninja.

The Long

I absolutely hated The Legend of Kage the first time I played it on a friend's NES. I thought the graphics were bad, the music was annoying, the controls were different and the game was hard. I also had no idea what to do and was pretty much overwhelmed. I didn't play it for very long before quitting.

Years later I decided to pick it back up because, why not, and actually give it a fair shot rather than just a few minutes. After a few runs of frustration I found something weird: despite being cheap, hard, ugly, and awful sounding, The Legend of Kage is...really fun? And really addicting? How did that work out?

Yes, dear reader, I had a complete change of heart, but I know this won't be the same for everybody. Let me explain why I think The Legend of Kage is a good game, and why you might be convinced so as well. 

I am the ninja. 

The Legend of Kage takes a good deal from the genre that spawned such awesome wire-heavy martial arts movies like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. As Kage (pronounced "Kah-Gay", not "Cage"), your lady is snatched up by some jerk ninjas, and since you are clearly not one to tolerate that you go on a ninja-murdering rampage on a quest to rescue her. Pretty standard stuff. 

The Legend of Kage was originally an arcade game, and it shows. Kage is absolutely merciless in its difficulty. Right from the start you'll notice it: three lives, one hit, no continues. You die, you start over. It's a quest for a high score (which the game doesn't save...I hate old NES games without batteries), and saving the princess is just icing on the cake. But hey, it worked for Donkey Kong, and that game didn't even have ninjas!

Ninjas climb like monkeys.

The core idea of the game is to fight your way to the girl, and this is accomplished with two weapons. A fires shurikens (of which you can have two on the screen at any given time), and B flaps around a rather pathetic looking sword. The sword, despite having awful range and only killing stuff 50% of the time, is essential because it can deflect incoming ninja stars from the other ninjas, who want you dead. But most of your killing will be done with the ninja stars.

Where this game gets kind of crazy is the jumping. As stated, this game is like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, in that holding up will send Kage leaping through the treetops with the greatest of ease. While up there he can still throw ninja stars in any direction he wants, though you are still limited to two on the screen. You are also completely committed to the jump while going up, no redirection or adjustments allowed, which can be a pain. While going down you are still committed, but if you pass a tree you can grab it to stop the fall. I have no idea if that was intentional or not.

You'll see this a lot.

Climbing and jumping off trees aside, the game also drops random powerups from enemies. You have the usual glowing balls which are absolutely essential to survive. Not only do they make your ninja stars more powerful (and change the color of your outfit), but they also give you one extra hit before you die. That's right, one mistake and you're out a life. It's quite merciless. 

Other powersups include a scroll that kills everything on screen for about thirty seconds (which is useless since all the enemies are infinite anyway), and some weird...ocotopus things that sometimes cross the screen in the air. Grab them and you'll get points and sometimes invincibility, the option to shot stars all around you, and so on. All the power-ups are extremely rare, so you'll have to master the game without them.

As you progress the seasons change, which is a nice touch. 

The game only has four stages. In the first, you travel left murdering everything until three fire breathing monks arrive. The game doesn't tell you this, but after you kill those three you'll move on to the next area. Stage two is rather short: you are fighting in water and after killing a set number of ninjas you move on. Stage three requires you to leap up as fast as possible and is extremely difficult; the red and black ninjas are a pain and can take you down easily. Lastly, you fight your way inside a castle until you reach your lady, slice her bonds with your sword and achieve sweet victory. 

Well, for about five seconds before she's snatched up again and you start the game over. At least the seasons change between playthroughs.

The gameplay in The Legend of Kage will either appeal to you or you'll hate it. I won't beat around the bush: this game is extremely cheap when it comes to deaths. Sometimes I'd spawn between enemies who would throw stars, and if I didn't react quickly enough I'd be dead in less than a second after reviving. Since you are committed to your jumps you'll sometimes end up being dropped right into a projectile (though you can deflect it with your sword), and since enemies are faster than you they can jump down, get a star off, and jump away before you can react. It can be extremely frustrating (especially since continuing requires watching the stupid opening cutscene every single time), but I really started to like it. When I'd beat even the first stage (which I think is one of the harder stages) I'd get a great sense of accomplishment, even if it took me five runs just to get that far. And while I wish there had been an option to pick how many lives you started with (five would make this game much funner), it still worked for me. 

Oh man, those graphics are hurting my brain. 

What doesn't work for me is how sub-par the graphics and music are. The original arcade game wasn't great to begin with, but this NES iteration is just...boring and ugly. While I kind of like the trees (and I really like jumping off of them and hitting my head against the...sky? Ha!) and the palace level, the rest of the game is quite hideous. It wasn't bad enough to make me quit, but it was pretty bad.

The music is completely inexcusable. While I will admit the one single track that plays the whole game isn't completely horrid, it isn't exactly Mega Man 2 quality. But the fact that it's the only song (not counting the opening jingle during the cutscene) that plays, it gets on my nerves pretty quick.

If you make it to winter, I applaud your skills. 

All things considered, you will either love this game or hate it, but either way I implore you to at least give it a fair chance. I was convinced it was the worst game ever a few years back, and now I'm really enjoying booting it up and playing a few rounds. It's punishingly difficult (Ninja Gaiden's got nottin' on this), pretty ugly, and has the most annoying song ever, but if you can survive the taxing gameplay there is a good deal of fun and satisfaction to be found here. It spawned an NES sequel (Demon Sword), and after playing it I really want somebody to make a modern version of this game. Leaping through the trees, murdering ninjas mid-air with swords and ninja stars like a badass? Sign. Me. Up.

But for now, The Legend of Kage still works just fine. Assuming you are not on the side of the fence that hates it. Then...you should probably not play it. Just sayin'. 

Three out of five stars. 

Upside-down ninjas and a weird goomba thing in the sky? Man, this game is awesome.

Metroid Prime

The Short


Pros
- Fantastic revival/reimagining of the Metroid franchise after years of nothin'
- Absolutely beautiful graphics and effects look great even to this day
- Sound design and music is top of its class in every category
- Manages to keep the Metroid feel while still being in a first person shooter perspective
- Plenty of puzzle solving and exploration for the hungry Metroid fans
- Scanning stuff in the environment was a clever and cool way to present story and flavor text
- The only first person game to date where I have felt in control of my jumps
- Seriously, I thought this game was going to ruin the franchise and it ended up being amazing


Cons
- Might have actually stayed too familiar to Metroid lore so much that it didn't branch out much on the creativity found in Super Metroid
- Scanning, while a cool idea, could get tedious
- Lock-on shooting is a great idea when it works, which is about 50% of the time
- While it does have a few "warps," worlds can take an extremely long time to traverse
- Places you go look beautiful but feel generic (grass world, water world, ice world, etc.)

This is how you revive a franchise. 

The Long

First things first: we are going to do a whole "listen to a song while reading this review" thing, like we did with the Lifeforce review. So get ready to crank up your speakers or headphones or whatever and listen to what I consider to be the best menu music of all time. 

This song is freaking amazing.

Got it going? Excellent. Let's get on with the review.

As stated in my Metroid Fusion review, the Metroid series went on a sort of hiatus after Super Metroid until November of 2002. Then we were blessed with not one, but TWO Metroid games released a single day apart: Metroid Fusion and Metroid Prime. They couldn't be more different. Fusion was a handheld game, a callback to the original 2D Metroids, while Metroid Fusion was a first-person shooter developed by Retro Studios, a Texas based developer. 

Fans flipped the crap out, doing the usual fan thing where they panned a game before even playing it, arguing that Metroid Prime was going to ruin the Metroid series and destroy everything they hold dear, as well as murder their cat and hold their mother hostage. You know, gamers. 

Then the game came out, and I kid you not when I say it was the best Metroid game since Super Metroid. And the trilogy that followed is easily one of the finest gaming has to offer. 

So let's dive in, shall we?

Hey, this ain't the Metroid I 'member!

Metroid Prime is, as stated, a first-person shooter. But it plays completely unlike one you've ever played before. In most FPS games on consoles, you aim with both sticks and the game requires tricky precision and skill. This is not the case in Metroid Prime. Either because the second stick on the Gamecube controller sucked, or because they needed it for other menu options, Retro opted that Metroid Prime have a lock-on system, actually more similar to the 3D Zelda games than anything else. "Doesn't that take out the challenge?" you ask. Well, no. Actually, it makes it so this game works as a Metroid game.

Let's glance back for a second at Metroid games before this one. There were three: Metroid on the NES, Metroid 2 on the Game Boy, and Super Metroid on the SNES. All these games were similar (and 2D) but there was one important aspect: these games are not really about shooting stuff. Blasting alien life comes second. The main point of the Metroid games is the combination of atmosphere with exploration (dare I say...atmospheric exploration is the point of Metroid?). Like most Nintendo games they were less focused on creating a diverse gameplay experience and more focused on taking you to a wondrous and interesting place for you to explore. Zelda has been doing this for years (and not doing anything with their gameplay...), and even the Mario games like Galaxy make you feel like you are going somewhere special. It's Nintendo's thing.

Pictured: goopy immersion

Retro Studios nailed this with Metroid Prime. By making the shooting easier they dropped the intense focus that one would normally have in these types of games. Instead, they made a game where shooting was secondary to the adventure at hand, which involved more exploration and environmental puzzle solving than anything else.

But hey, it's a "first person shooter." Doesn't that mean Retro screwed the pooch on this? How do you make an FPS game without any "S?" Well...like this game, actually.

Metroid Prime feels more Metroid than most in the series (and especially Other M). After an absolutely killer intro sequence where you land on a space pirate ship and then blow it out of existence, you are dumped on Tallon IV with the mission to find out what the crap those stupid pirates are up to. The world is wide open from the start, with you only being limited by what powerups you've obtained. Sound familiar?

WHAT OTHER GAMES DOES THIS REMIND ME OF?

The different areas of the world are gorgeous, diverse, and interesting to explore. The graphics of this game are completely stunning, with polygonal edges hardly noticeable and the effects particularly top notch. It does a ton to add to the immersion, which is exactly what you want when the goal of the game is to, you know, immerse you.

It should also be noted that while this game requires a hefty amount of first-person jumping, it never felt bad. Most games I never know where I'm jumping or landing, but in Metroid Prime the jumping was just floaty yet heavy enough that I easily grasped a hold of it. Not to mention when you jump Samus naturally looks down a little, allowing for easier landings. 

Oh hey, did the song above run out? Here's another one for ya.

Soundtrack = so good.

Anyway, everything Metroid is here. You use weapons to find secrets like more energy and missile tanks to get stronger. Bosses are on a massive scale and require some genuine cleverness to defeat. You can easily switch between the various "beam" weapons Samus obtains, and it even has a new trick with different "visors" that allow you to see heat-patterns on enemies (which is required for some). It all fits together so well it's almost unbelievable, creating an experience that I've yet to see done by any other company.

The only complaint I have with the design is this game might have been too afraid of its fans. By that I mean that, besides the change to a FPS view, the game borrows heavily from other Metroid staples. This isn't bad, and it's nice to see old favorites like the Varia Suit and Ice Beam back, but it makes the game feel like it's missing its own unique flavor. You also have blatant boring usual video game stuff in the worlds (fire world, plant world, desert world, ice world) that is not bad but not entirely original. Luckily they totally mixed this up in the sequel, which...I still haven't beaten. Video endurance run?

Those 'dem space pirates are still up to no good.

As previously stated, this game looks incredible. Even with regular composite cables from a 4:3 outputting Gamecube, Metroid Prime is a very pretty game. This is mostly due to the smooth transitions between artifacts, and the fact the whole thing just oozes its style. The visor looks extremely cool, and moves with your face with a sort of delay, like Samus is actually turning and the HUD is catching up. Other cool things that BLEW OUR MIND back in 2002 were when you look up at the rain drops appear on the visor, or if you are hit by a bright enough flash of light you can see Samus' eyes reflecting on the glass. This stuff is pretty common in FPS games now-a-days, but in 2002 it was a bloody amazing revelation. Even now I argue this game does it better than any other. 

The music is also absolutely standout. In a game based on atmosphere, music is everything. Super Metroid has probably the most atmospheric soundtrack of any game ever (well...except maybe the Silent Hill games). Metroid Prime delivers on all fronts with a soundtrack that is both catchy and sinister, hitting all the right notes and recycling old themes for good measure. I'm still amazed at how well they pulled this off.

Rocks shouldn't move like that. If rocks move like that, shoot 'em. 

There's been a weird amount of "fan" backlash towards this game in recent years (I swear it bounces up and down like a yo-yo; one minute they love it, the next they hate it, so on and so forth), but I still maintain the fact that this game is an absolute masterpiece. Is it perfect? Well, no...no game is. But even today replaying it I found it hard to quit, I would get so caught up in the beauty and of the world and the adventure of exploring. This is even more amazing when taken in context: Retro had next to nothing to go off of, yet were tasked to revive one of the most beloved franchises Nintendo had. The cards were completely stacked against them on every level, and still they blew all expectations away. There's a reason this is considered by many to be one of the best games of its generation: it's incredible.

Minor flaws aside, Metroid Prime is a game you really have to play. While it isn't a 2D Metroid game, I really couldn't care less. For me (and I'm sure any many, many others), this game was the catalyst that really sold us on the Metroid series, and because of it we became hardcore fans of all the rest of the games. So you did good, Retro. You did very, very good.

Five out of five stars. 

This is the part where I'm supposed to say something like "It was the Portal 2 of its generation" but I'm not going to. Because that's a stupid thing to say. 

Metroid Zero Mission

The Short


Pros
- Remake of the original Metroid game for the GBA
- Same basic levels, areas, and bosses but with refined controls and abilities
- Manages to blend both nostalgia and modern conventions flawlessly
- Difficulty setting is appreciated (Metroid games tend to be easy...)
- Exploration, atmosphere, and music are all kept intact
- Can be sequence broke, which I missed from Metroid Fusion
- Adds a bit more backstory to Samus' origins, which is appreciated
- Another excellent 2D metroid game

Cons
- Introduced Zero Suit Samus, which I consider to be what essentially ruined this franchise
- Might be too familiar for those deeply rooted into the first Metroid game
- Seriously, the skanky pictures of Samus you unlock at the end? Is that necessary?

Everything's coming back to me. 

The Long

After successfully bringing the Metroid franchise back to life with Metroid Prime and Metroid Fusion, Nintendo decided to jump back to its roots with Metroid Zero Mission. Simply put, Zero Mission is a remake of the original Metroid on the NES. You know, the one that looks like this:

The similarities are uncanny!

Upped with modern controls, graphics, and an extra "bonus" stage at the end, Metroid Zero Mission took the original concepts that made Metroid such a groundbreaking game and brought it up to par with the more recent series offerings. Does it succeed? Well...yes, with one rather major drawback.

Kraid. You've grown. 

While Zero Mission is a remake, don't expect to find the same level structure here. Any similarities were obviously put in as throwbacks, but not as part of the actual level design. While there are a few familiar scenes, this is a new Metroid game in terms of maps, layout, powerups, and more. And it's for the better because of it. As much as I love the original Metroid, the game was confusing, long, and difficult to traverse. While modernizing the series certainly made it easier, the increased accessibility is greatly appreciated, and makes the game more fun.

The overwrought narrative structure of Metroid Fusion is gone here, and we're back to the regular-old "drop you off on the planet, good luck!" structure of Metroid games. So if you were a fan of Super Metroid, this'll be right up your alley. As with all Metroid games the goal is to explore your world, gain power-ups to access future areas, use those powerups to get more powerups, backtrack if you want for even more upgrades, and fight bosses and find secrets. It's a pretty classic formula, and this is it after years of refinement. It shines. 

Jumping on big bubbles: check. 

It also brings back sequence breaking, something noticeably missing from Metroid Fusion's linear, story driven style. For the uninitiated, "sequence breaking" is where, using some tricks and advanced gameplay techniques, a player can bypass gameplay gates (ex: doors requiring missiles, etc.) in attempts at speedrunning the game. It's a staple of Metroid games, and you can tell they designed Zero Mission with that in mind (some endings require runs to be under an hour). My best time was fourty-five minutes, and I used to boot up this game and play through the whole thing before going to bed every night in an attempt to shave off a minute or two. Good fun.

But all in all the gameplay is just there as an extremely solid (if not particularly groundbreaking) Metroid game. Classics like the ice beam, super missiles, varia suit, and more return. It's an absolute blast and a great throwback to everything that made this series so memorable and great.

And now that I've sung its praises, let's talk about the worst thing that ever happened to Metroid: the "Zero Suit."

Dammit, Zero Mission. You ruined everything.

Let's me just say this first: it was a shock to everybody in the first Metroid game when it turned out Samus was, in fact, a girl. It was a point they push further and further home with every subsequent Metroid games. When you die in Super Metroid, you get a flash of her suit exploding and seeing that there was, in fact, a hot chick inside. In Fusion she talks and you know she's a girl. Prime doesn't pander, but if you beat the game with 100% she'll take her helmet off.

But it was Zero Mission that ruined Samus' character for me, perhaps permanently. 

Without going too deep into this (we'll save it for a video rant in the future), here is my issue. Samus has always been regarded as one of the (few) women in gaming who are not viewed as just a pretty face. What made her always interesting to me as a character is that she was competent, strong, extremely intelligent, and just so happened to also be a girl. Usually it's the male characters who are doing all the work (Mario/Link) while the female character is useless and sits around (Peach/Zelda). Samus kicked that notion in the teeth by being extremely badass while not being a blatant sex object. And, to be honest, I thought she was incredibly attractive because of it (as attractive as a pixelated game character can be). She extremely likeable because she was so good at what she did (a writer's trick to gain sympathy) and was generally the biggest badass in the universe. She didn't need to flaunt her sex-appeal because we liked her enough already (like Alyx Vance from the Half-Life 2 games). What was probably the most important was that I respected her as an individual. The fact that she was an attractive girl was just a bonus.

And yes, I know there was a code in Metroid where you pranced around as her without the suit, but bear with me here.

I can't even begin to describe how mad this makes me. 

So after several successful games of having Samus as a strong, likeable female character who is appreciated by fans not because of her boobs or shots of her ass, what does Nintendo do? Strips her from her signature power-armor, gives her a skintight suit, and makes you prance around as her. Oh, and the cutscenes give you a fantastic view of her butt and busty self (as do the ending cutscenes).

Hang on, I'm getting so mad now I need to go for a breather. Be right back.

Still here? Ok. Now, let me say this about the final mission in Zero Mission, where you spend the first half of it without a suit: I actually kind of like the idea behind the gameplay. Stripping you down (hur hur?) to where you are even weaker than you are at the start of the game (all you have is a little stun-gun that has to recharge) and focus more on stealth was clever, especially since you dropped from super-godlike to pathetic. It made for a good switch in gameplay, and made it so when you did recover your powerups you felt even more empowered than ever before. It was an excellent switch in tone and a fantastic capstone to the mission.

So why the crap did she have to be sexied up for it? Why couldn't she look normal?

Pictured: what was once gaming's strongest heroine

Let me state that I am fully aware that the rewards for previous Metroid games (based on time) was showing Samus without her suit. I got that. But there is a distinct difference between showing her in a sports bra at the end of a game, verses playing whole levels (and changing her character) while prancing around in...that. You could argue Samus has always been sexy, but it was more of a tease. It wasn't blatant, and while I still don't think it was a good thing to begin with, I was able to look past it because I never really associated it with her character. Samus was the badass woman in the suit, not the badass woman in her underwear.

The Zero Suit was the beginning of the end for Samus as a character. Now that we apparently had free reign to brand her as a sex object rather than focus on the real reason why she was awesome, Nintendo put it in everything. She is the only character in all of Super Smash Bros Brawl whose ultimate blows her clothes off, resulting in her prancing around in the skintight body suit after she uses it. In Metroid Other M, Nintendo thought it would be a good idea to give the Metroid franchise to f***ing TEAM NINJA, the sexist douchebags who thinks making a game about fighting game girls in bikinies and using motion controls to bounce an underaged girl's massive breasts is an awesome idea. So of course she's constantly switching into her skintight, body-shaping suit every five seconds in that game. Once they opened the floodgates to Samus moving from someone to idealize to masturbation material, there was no turning back. Metroid was ruined, and this game was the start of it.

At least Retro kept showing restraint with the future Prime games. 

Now that I'm done with that little tangent, let's finish up this review. Graphically, Zero Mission looks great, with new cutscenes illustrating climactic and classic moments (and Samus' ass...) as well as just some fantastic stylized pixel art as well. I don't think it looks quite as good as the theme presented in Fusion (and putting these games side by side you'll see a huge difference).

Music is also fantastic, remixing classic tracks perfectly to evoke the same themes. While some aren't quite as atmospheric as future Metroid games are known for, they bring a sense of awesomeness and adventure that works well with the game. Overall, the new songs are great. 

This song still gives me chills.

Standing on its gameplay conventions, Metroid Zero Mission is an extremely solid, well-crafted Metroid game. It's beautiful, looks great, and has a good deal of challenge (especially on "Hard," which is the best way to play the game), exploration, and adventure going for it. It isn't particularly long, but that can be said of all Metroid games. It's a thrilling ride, and an absolute blast to play.

It's just a pity that they had to do what they did to Samus' character. And seeing how Metroid: Other M was just a downhill drop from this one (and it sold awful and had horrible ratings), it could very well have been the thing that lead to the doom of the franchise. Let's be honest here: Nintendo hasn't announced any new Metroid games since Other M, and this is one of their flagship franchises. It could very well be that the awfulness of Other M (which I think partially stemmed from the "sexing and stupiding" up of Samus in Zero Mission) has killed the franchise.

Time will tell. Regardless, Zero Mission is still an awesome game, despite its setbacks.

Four out of five stars. 

I love you, Metroid. And you broke my heart. 

Metroid Fusion

The Short


Pros
- Brought Metroid back to its 2D Exploration roots
- Did something clever and unique with the Metroid formula in terms of combat and weapons
- Fantastic music and atmosphere, the staple of Metroid games
- A large space station to explore that opens up quickly
- Beautiful graphics
- The first Metroid game to actually have a "story" that was told to you rather than you making your own

Cons
- The story was a bit overdrawn and presented through long text scrolls
- Game could be a bit more linear than Super Metroid
- With the exception of one or two bosses, the game is very easy
- Often considered the "black sheep" of the Metroid series (though I think it is)

New ship, new suit, new Samus. 

The Long

A weird confession: Metroid Fusion was the first Metroid game I ever beat. Growing up we never had any home game systems, and it wasn't until I was a teenager that I managed to convince my parents to let me get a Game Boy Advance. With it I bought two games: Super Mario World and Metroid Fusion. I'd played a bit of Super Metroid on emulators, but had never really experienced a Metroid game before.

It absolutely floored me.

Imagine, if you will, somebody who has never played a Metroid game. Who has no idea how the map thing works, the exploration, and the atmosphere. It might have been the first time you booted up Metroid or Super Metroid, how that felt. It's a crazy thing when you load up one of these games and are just completely blown away by the atmosphere and tension the game throws at you.

Anyway, Metroid Fusion was essentially one half of the rebirth of Metroid, being released just one day after the 3D Metroid game, Metroid Prime. Fans had been clamoring for a new game since Super Metroid, and despite a cameo in Super Smash Bros. and Super Smash Bros. Melee, Samus had been absent. So...does this new mission and new take on the series bring things back to form?

New Samus actually monologues, though I'm pretty sure it's mostly just in her head. 

Metroid Fusion marks the final game on the Metroid timeline, and with good reason. It starts with Samus (who now works for the Space Federation) getting infected by an alien parasitic virus known only as "X" while on a mission. She manages to survive only by using a vaccine created by the deceased baby Metroid from Super Metroid. In order to save her, her power-suit (of which parts were grafted to her body) had to be removed, giving her a completely new suit, a new look, and the idea she was probably super mangled under there due to the disease.

I loved this intro, and love it more now that I've played Super Metroid. Fusion does one thing very well: incorporating the bits of Metroid we know and love (like the plot elements from Super Metroid) whilst simultaneously stripping them away. It's letting you know "Hey, we know the old games, but we are doing something new and we aren't afraid of it." It's a good "reboot" to the series, and actually a pretty cool plot twist in the timeline of things.

This game does get a bit chatty though. 

In terms of story, however, not all are for the better. Throughout the game you (as Samus) converse through an AI construct sent to guide you on your mission as well as unlock various levels on a space station Samus was sent to investigate. While some parts of this dialogue are interesting (and a twist reveals a surprisingly personal bit of Samus' backstory), most are too long-winded for their own good. May fans complained because the AI basically tells you where to go, removing the whole "explore everything with no hints" element from Super Metroid.

While I can agree that the chatting is a bit long (and not particularly well written...and slow to scroll through) I don't think it destroys that exploration element of the gameplay. Usually it just gives you a general idea of where to go, and your actual route ends up being quite different. Situations change frequently, requiring you to go off the beaten path and explore in order to continue. While Samus monologing for hours on an elevator is aggravating, I do appreciate they at least tried to flesh her out as a character. They certainly did a damn better job that that atrocity Metroid: Other M.

The game is gorgeous, especially for an early GBA game.

Beneath that, you are looking at a fairly standard Metroid game, with a few twists. You still spend a good chunk of time exploring (despite the game nudging you to the right areas), seeing items you can't get until you have the right powerups, and killing a variety of space life. Despite the whole game taking place on a space station, it's split up into different sectors that have unique themes and keep it interesting. Perhaps one of the coolest parts is when you visit an area early one, and there are weird crawling caterpillars about. When you leave they've started to crystallize, and when you come back much later the husks are on the ground and these crazy hornet flying things are there instead. Revisiting areas after the X (or SA-X, a weird parasite Samus clone) have visited them is cool.

Exploration is limited, though, until really the very end of the game when you have enough powerups to go free-reign across all areas without restriction. But, to be honest, this has been true of Super Metroid as well, it just didn't wear it on its sleeve as obviously. Rather than tell you to go somewhere, Super Metroid just locked all the doors with power-up restrictions until you got them later. Yeah, it was less obvious, but the concept is still the same. 

That can't be good. 

So you spend most of the game exploring, finding powerups, using tricks to get to other powerups (though infinite bomb-jumping is gone, which sucks), and watching short text cutscenes. Like all Metroid games, Metroid Fusion has its share of awesome bosses, though Fusion seems to throw a boss at you before you can say "Power Suit." It's actually kind of like the Zelda games: if you get a power-up, expect to fight a boss who will require that power-up's use, sort of a trial-by-fire. At least, unlike Zelda, Fusion seems less blatant about it. 

There are a few other minor changes. Since Samus is infected with the Metroid vaccine, she now has a natural weakness to ice (what a cool touch), so you can't use the ice beam but now have ice missiles. Cold areas also hurt her much more than they did before, and she is susceptible to being frozen. She also looks completely different than in previous (and future) Metroid games, which I think is very cool. It's kind of crazy they took Samus out of retirement to so dramatically alter her appearance, but I think it was a move in the right direction and something the series needed (along with the 3D switch to Prime).

The music can't compare to Super Metroid, but it still is quite good. 

Of course, Metroid games are nothing without atmosphere, and Fusion fires on all cylinders here. Paired with the absolutely gorgeous pixel art is a sense of darkness and foreboding reminiscent of Super Metroid, in a good way. Areas are dark and creepy, some requiring Samus to turn on a light and only see a distance in front of her, and the X-mutated monsters are disgusting, creepy, and would fit right into a sci-fi horror movie. While it might be pushing its "look how creepy this game is!" a bit harder than most other games in the series, I think it works very well, and the X is a formidable and gross opponent. 

The music is also top notch, if among the weakest in the series (it's still better than Other M, though). But the weakest in a Metroid game is still leagues above others; it fits the atmosphere and adds to the creepy sense of dread. It could have been a little better, but for what it is we'll take it. 

The heat ripples are awesome. 

As it stands, Metroid Fusion is a fantastic game, despite being a bit chatty. It's a relatively quick run (probably due to its slightly more linear approach), and if you axed the cutscenes you could probably beat it in under an hour. My record was an hour and a half, blasting through all the text and missing most of the items. And while Metroid games scream "replay value," this one's overzealous story does tend to detract from that a bit.

All that aside, Metroid Fusion is still absolutely great, and if you haven't played it you should. While it can be tricky to find something to play GBA games on these days (you'll need either an original GBA, an original DS or DS Lite, or the GBA player on the Gamecube), the game HAS been re-released 3DS e-shop, so get on that!

As a 2D return to form, Metroid Fusion delivers. It's a crying shame that it's sequel, the 2D Metroid Dread slated for the DS, was scrapped. A real damn shame.

Four out of five stars. 

See you next mission.