Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan

The Short

Pros
- Excellent rhythm/music game on the DS
- Soundtrack is a delightful mix from a variety of Japanese song genres
- Premise is silly and stupid, and you'll understand it even if you don't speak Japanese
- Multiple levels of difficulty allow for a long string of progression

Cons
- A bit  heavy on the J-Pop
- One of the slower songs is a good change of pace, but it comes out of nowhere
- Game eventually ends

This game is pretty Japan. 

The Long

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan (translated roughly into: "I have no idea what this is in Japanese") is a Japan-only released rhythm game, and remains to date the only game I have ever imported. It's a well known fact that I'm a massive fan of music games in nearly all their varieties, but Ouendan was the very first music game I ever played and got hopelessly addicted to. This was back before Elite Beat Agents (essentially the US version of this game) existed, and since I'd heard great stuff about this game I found a copy off PlayAsia or eBay or something (I honestly don't remember) and imported the sucker.

I am very glad that I did.

Ouendan is an absolutely fantastic music game, even when I had no idea what any of the songs were or what anybody was saying (either in the lyrics or the on-screen text). A great blend of silly, stupid, and challenge, Ouendan is a must-get for fans of music games...though if you live in the US you should probably get Elite Beat Agents first.

Study, little man!

The "plot" to Ouendan is stupid and over the top and I love it so much. Essentially, whenever people are stressed, tired, or feel stuck, they can just shout "OUENDAN!" Moments later, a group of all-male cheerleaders clad in black trenchcoats will literally break into your house, motivating you to do whatever it is you need to do by the power of dance. I guess "Ouendan" is the name of a real-life Japanese cheerleading squad that is all male and wears black trenchcoats? You can see how much fact-checking I do for these reviews.

Anyway, the situations start simple (do homework, get a boss to notice you and ask you out to a dance) and quickly escalate into the absurd (fight a giant Godzilla monster, save the earth from an incoming asteroid). All of these issues are overcome by the power of dance, with mid-song cutscenes that play out either good or bad depending on how you are doing. They are well-animated, very funny, and fully aware that they are being far too self-serious. It's tongue pressed firmly in cheek, and even with the language barrier I knew enough to get a lot of laughs out of the goofy premises. 

Screw up, and you ruin someone's hopes and dreams. 

But this wouldn't be worth anything if not paired with great gameplay, and Ouendan provides this and in spades. The top screen is essentially just used to tell the story, and honestly you won't have time to look up there because you'll be looking at the bottom screen. Made by the same guy who made Guitaroo Man, Ouendan is surprisingly similar. Essentially, buttons appear (with numbers for the order) and you have to tap them in order of the beat. As songs get harder you'll be sliding your stylus, spinning, and tapping in rapid fury. It sounds simple, but believe me: this game gets challenging very quickly.

Tap to use copier!

At the top of the screen is your life bar which, unlike most games, is constantly draining. Each tap is ranked into three tiers, the closer on beat you are the more life you get. Screw up and you lose a bonus chunk of life, which can mess you up very quickly. This becomes especially bananas on the hardest difficulty (appropriately titled "Insane,") where the health bar drops so fast on the later songs you have to hit every note perfectly; just getting an "Ok 100" for being slightly off won't fill the life fast enough to prevent death. It's a good system that keeps you on your toes, though it might be frustrating for those who don't pick up on it fast.

As stated, this game has four difficulty modes, the top two of which have to be unlocked. Beginner and Normal are pretty standard and teach the basics, but Hard is extremely rough. But things get even crazier on Insane: not only does the life drain faster (as mentioned above), but buttons are half the size and appear later (giving you a shorter window to tap). It's the same stages as Hard (though they might be mirrored; I don't remember, but they are in Elite Beat Agents) but this new level of challenge is only for the hardcore.

The cutscenes on top are hilarious, but you'll never have time to watch them. 

Graphically, Ouendan is fantastic. The dancers are 3D sprites that move with the button presses, while the story is presented in somewhat animated cutscenes on top. The art is charming and fun, and as stated completely over the top. It's a laugh riot, and luckily you don't need to know a lick of Japanese to get the humor.

Of course, a music game lives or dies by its soundtrack, and I'm pleased to say Ouendan picks a great batch of tunes, even for Western importers. I don't know any J-Pop to speak of, but I found myself humming a good number of these songs after the fact, and while they're all covers I...wouldn't know that. Like the Persona series, Ouendan picks some standout Japanese tunes that are fun, funny, and catchy. I admit to looking a few of these up on youtube after the fact. 

The Bossman don't let the Ouendan mess around.

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan was an awesome intro to the music genre of games for me. Peppered with weird and silliness and coupled with an obscenely addicting game (loaded with content, too; those 15 songs go a long way over various difficulty levels), Ouendan is a must-own for fans of the genre. You can import it for relatively cheap, though again: Elite Beat Agents is the western version and is essentially the same game. However, that one just doesn't quite reach the oddness levels of this original, and since you can never have too many songs, I'd still suggest picking it up.

Absolute screen-tapping joy. Five out of five stars.  

Spin, you fool! SPIN!

1943: The Battle for Midway

Video Review

Text Review

The Short

Pros
- Excellent shmup set in World War II
- Fight both in air and at sea! Bonus!
- Upgrade and energy system provides a unique spin on the usual "one hit, one life" setup of these games
- Controls are fluid and graphics rarely sputter, flicker, or slowdown
- Lots of fun with good music and sound effects
- An absurd twenty-three levels. Holy crap!

Cons
- Only one player
- Background graphics are a bit dull
- Enemy variety is low
- Game is hard, even with a turbo controller
- Takes a bit to grow on you

Pew pew pew!

The Long

I've said it before: I love the shmup genre, but I suck at shmup games. Games like Lifeforce, Gradius, Ikaruga, and others are some of my favorites to play, but I make no claim to being any good at them. 1943 is yet another NES overhead shooter, based on the arcade game of the same name. Considering there are about eighty quad-zillion shooters on the NES, how well does this one hold up?

Incredibly well, actually, and not just for it's unique World War II theme.

Powerups are frequent and always useful

1943 is sort of based on the Battle for Midway, as you probably got from the game's title. You play a single fighter against squadrons of identical green planes, a few red planes, and sometimes some bigger planes of various colors. In truth, picking the setting meant there wasn't much in terms of variety for the enemies, but it's ok. It isn't bananas insane like Lifeforce, but blowing up planes still works so we'll take it.

While enemy repetition is a bit annoying, the game does mix things up a bit at the half-way point in stages. Almost every stage has three portions: an aerial stage, a stage down below where you fight ships and planes, and a boss. Oh, did I mention this game has twenty-three stages? Twenty-three! That's absurd! How did they fit all that on one cart? I have no idea, but it's great. 

The boats can get pretty tricky. 

The gameplay to 1943 is a bit unique. Rather then have life, you actually have an energy meter in the lower right that is constantly draining. Using special attacks or taking hits will cause it to drain faster, and once it reaches zero you die in a single hit. So then you have to make a decision: do I use a screen-clearing bomb at the cost of energy, or save it so that I'll last longer? It provides a good risk/reward balance, though I pretty much just always horded my energy.

Some enemies drop power-ups that'll boost your energy temporarily, but the best idea is to invest points you get by finding secrets into buffing your ship. Yeah, points to buff stats. 1943 is like an RPG...sort of .

Gotta grind a more Smithing so I can make the ultimate cockpit!

Powerups also have a unique system. Shooting them changes what they'll be when you pick them up, letting you pick and choose what new weapon power you get. It's cool and lets you avoid the awful powerups. Lastly, there are tons of secrets to find. Shooting special areas repeatedly will reveal better powerups (usually in the form of more stat points) which can then be collected. It's a cool system of progression you usually don't see in these types of games, and adds to the addicting quality.

There is something worth noting, though: 1943 is hard. Like, NES hard. You have one life (and unlimited continues, thankfully) so when your energy runs out and you get shot, expect to start the whole stage over. The game is considerably easier if you have a turbo button, so bust out the NES Advantage, NES Max, or Nintendo Four-Score because you are gonna need it. Your thumbs will thank me, promise. 

My only real complaint about the gameplay is the total lack of two-player co-op. That's pretty much a staple for the genre! Playing by myself isn't fun, even if it does mean I get to horde all the upgrade points!

I will never see this screen, because I have enough problems trying to beat level 3. 

Graphically, 1943 is a mixed bag. The backgrounds are usually just dull blue, sometimes with clouds. The enemies, as stated before, are repetitive and are mostly just planes and boats. However, 1943 does have an extremely impressive graphical accomplishment: no screen flicker. No matter how many planes, projectiles, or whatever I had on screen, none of their sprites flickered. This was paired with an extremely smooth framerate, that I only saw stutter very slightly on a few bosses. Considering how these types of games on the NES are usually plagued with both sprite flicker and slowdown (Legendary Wings, I'm looking at you), the fact that 1943 managed to overcome this so deftly is pretty astounding. It's probably because the stupid game doesn't have co-op, but I'm digressing.

Music is decent and, thankfully, not as awful as the noise in 1942. Though the "low energy" song is incredibly obnoxious and drowns out any other sounds in the game. Yes, my energy is low, I got it. Thanks. 

Protip: Get the lasers. Always get the lasers. 

So is 1943 worth checking out? If you like the genre (and own a turbo controller...and have a lot of patience), then absolutely. It can be grabbed for around $5, and did I mention it has twenty-three levels?! That's a killer value right there!

Somewhat bland graphics and lack of co-op aside, 1943 is a fantastic shmup that incorporates a lot of new elements fused with solid core gameplay, and everything runs so smoothly it's amazing to watch. Seriously, I couldn't believe my NES was running a shmup without slowdown. It's just...unheard of.

If you can handle the challenge, 1943 is certainly worth your time. Three out of five stars. 

Though it still strikes me as weird when the Japanese make games about Americans shooting down their ancestors. 

Slender

The Short

Pros
- Provides a decent atmosphere of dread
- Gets at least one good jump scare out of you
- The Slender Man mythos is a ripe and scary one to draw from
- Made by one guy; that's pretty good
- Sound design is fantastic

Cons
- Isn't actually all that scary; more boring than anything
- Walking speed is absurdly, frustratingly slow
- Whatever algorithm spawns Slender is poor and borderline broken
- Running is useless, as is your feeble light
- Less of a game and more an experience, and not a very good experience at that

Slender Man is watching. 

The Long

I have to preface this review with two things: I love horror games, and I love the Slender Man mythos. Devised by a group at Something Awful during a "photoshop a scary/supernatural element into regular pictures," it depicted a tall, thin man who would just be standing behind normal, unaware people across a variety of pictures. A thin framework of backstory (regarding how he kidnapped children and those who sought him) was just vague enough to let one's imagination do the rest, and the phenomenon that ensued resulted in both some fantastic Blair Witch YouTube videos as well as some pretty awful attempts to milk the idea for all it was worth.

So it makes sense that, after a time, a video game would be devised from this concept. Coming literally out of nowhere (much like the Slender Man himself), Slender showed up for free on PC or Mac, developed by one guy. Already this game has been touted as the "scariest game ever made," spawning hundreds of Let's Play videos on YouTube, reviews, and cult status. Gamers are dragging their non-gaming friends into dark rooms and forcing them to play for the delight of an internet audience, and for a while you couldn't go anywhere on the internet without hearing about Slender.

So...as a hardened horror game (and film...and novel) fan, does Slender deliver? Well...let's talk about that.

Sup?

Slender has a very simple goal: collect eight pages dealing with the Slender Man's origin (though really they are just random, creepy scratches) without getting spotted (or staring at) the Slender Man, who will kill you. The more pages you gather the greater the odds that ol' Slender will pop out, your odds of survival steadily decreasing until you finally gather them all. And then (not to spoil the game) you die anyway, in true horror film fashion. 

Let's address the good first: the atmosphere. On initial play, Slender uses sound wonderfully. Initially, before you have any pages recovered, there is no background sound at all. After two pages faint drum beats will echo in the background. Gather some more and the creepy ambient noises will continue, overshadowing your footsteps. Aside from the static noise that comes up when Slender is near, these are the only real sounds in the game, aside perhaps the whistling of wind in the trees. It's an excellent use of less-is-more horror, reminding me of the numerous silent moments that permeated the Silent Hill series. 

Unfortunately, while the game might offer a few chills the first couple minutes, the real truth about the game comes out: Slender isn't actually very scary. In fact, it's more frustrating than anything. 

You'll be seeing these dumb trees a lot more than Slender Man, honestly. Or pages. Or anything. 

Let's just break down the basic game design here. You are thrown into the middle of a large, landmarkless woods. You have a pathetic flashlight that hardly lets you see a few feet in front of you, so honestly your better bet is to leave it off and just turn up your screen brightness (the light also attracts Slender, so I rarely even turned it on). The area is quite large with random landmarks appearing in different locations. The eight pages randomly spawn on eight of these landmarks, but it changes every time. That way you can't learn the map, but it also means you can wander aimlessly around in the woods for five to ten minutes before finding a single page (or Slender for that matter, which happened my first playthrough). It's tedium at its finest. 

Exacerbating this monotony is the fact that your guy walks obscenely slow. You can sprint, but doing so causes him to flail his flashlight around like a massive moron having a seizure, so you have to run with your light off to even have it matter. Not that it does matter, because you can run around in circles for who knows how long without ever realizing it. 

PAGE GOT. 

While the game's atmosphere does make a lot of this tedious romp a bit unnerving, after a while with your mind breaking down what exactly is going on (and especially if you've played any good horror game ever, like Amnesia or Silent Hill 2), Slender seems more stupid than scary. My first run was around 20 minutes. I only got one page, and while it did give a pretty good jump scare on me when I died the first time, that's all it really was: a jump scare. I was a bit unnerved during a few situations, but hardly enough to call this the "scariest game of all time."

But perhaps the biggest issue in Slender is the title character himself: Slender Man. 

The concept of Slender Man is creepy. Turning around to see a tall, suited man with no face just staring at you across the way is horrifying. Unfortunately, Slender doesn't really get this right either. 

Slender spawns randomly near you, unmoving, looking like a bad Gary's Mod character. If you are close the screen starts to static, often before you even see the guy, and if you do look at him your screen fuzzies up so bad it's almost impossible to discern him. While the fuzziness randomly appearing does evoke a sense of frantic searching (mostly so you know which direction to run), it also ruins the creepiness. Wouldn't it have been scarier if he was coded to appear right in front of you if you turned your flashlight on? Or to spawn around corners? His spawn system seems completely random. 

I see you there, unscary guy. 

During my multiple playthroughs I actually encountered two experiences that fully show how unscary the spawning algorithm is. The first was when I was running through a wide open field, and Slender suddenly spawned right next to me. Did it make me jump? Sure. But he just...appeared. In the middle of an open field, standing there like an idiot right next to me. I actually ran into him (and didn't die) because they spawned him so close. Where's the suspense in that? He's scary in the photoshops because he blends in, hard to see. It's like the worst Where's Waldo ever...you see nothing, and then BAM, he was there the whole time. Him just appearing next to me in a very "gamey" spawning sense ruins all immersion.

The second incident was almost comedic. I found a page attached to the back of a truck. When I then turned about, Slender had spawned there, standing in front of the truck's headlights. The thing was that, since the truck was technically "obscuring my view," I actually didn't see static or take damage. He just...stood there, staring in the light, looking like an awful rendered tall blob. I jumped up and down and he didn't do anything, shined my light in his face. It wasn't until I stepped out from behind the truck that the game decided I was "taking damage" and had to run. Real scary, guys. 

I'm a tree! RAAAAAAR. 

I'm not trying to play the internet badass here, but I really don't see how this game can be scary to anybody except people who haven't played any horror games before. It uses the most basic levels of jump scares to try and catch you off guard, the game intentionally stripping you of any sense of empowerment but in all the wrong ways. While it does have some great atmosphere and will probably get one or two good jumps out of you, as a whole I was mostly bored with my Slender experience, so much so that I couldn't keep playing. And keep in mind: I played this at night, in the dark, with headphones. I really wanted to be scared by this game.

There's just too much working against it for me to recommend the game. Then again, it's completely free, so if walking around really slow looking at trees is your thing then...by all means, download it. I hear they are already remaking it on the Source Engine, which I actually am looking forward to. If they can improve the algorithm that determines when and where Slender spawns, up the walk speed, and add a bit more to the game this could really be a creepy experience. As is, it feels like an unfinished tech demo for a bigger horror game, and as such you could just go play Amnesia or something and have a much better (and scarier) experience.

But again, it's free, so you can always check it out regardless. 

Two out of five stars. 

The game just jumps straight in, no title card until after you start, which I appreciate. 

WarioWare: Twisted!

The Short

Pros
- Same WarioWare concept, only now with more twisting!
- Specifically, twisting the GBA with the gyroscope included on the cart takes the place of the D-pad commands
- Another 200+ minigames that vary from "awesome" to "dumb"
- Same silliness in terms of story, progression, and gameplay
- Unlocks are easier and funner to acquire
- Adheres to the same strong formula set up in Mega Microgame$

Cons
- Some of the minigames seem virtually identical
- A few require some intense twisting that make it hard to see the screen
- Entire structure of the game is exactly the same; the only real innovation is twisting
- Some you feel would control better with a D-Pad rather than twisting

Warioware is back and weirder than ever. 

The Long

It doesn't take much to make a successful WarioWare game. Ok, it does take a lot of new microgames, but at its core WarioWare is fun when you have all the game unlocked and you blast through a random mix of them trying to see how far you can get. After a not-so-successful Gamecube offering, Nintendo returned the series to its GBA roots...with a TWIST! Rather than just serve the same game in new packaging, they added a big fat motion sensor (which also rumbles) to the bottom of the cart and made it so you twist your Game Boy Advance. Best idea ever, or stupid gimmick?

Well, it's a bit of both, but the point is that this is still an extremely fun WarioWare game, and could honestly be considered the best in the series. 

Twist the GBA to shave the dude!

There isn't much to be said about the basic gameplay that hasn't already been said in my Mega Microgame$ review. You blast through minigames that last around 5-15 seconds, quickly learning the mechanic only to be thrown into another one. The difficulty and speed ramp up the more you play, until eventually you screw up four times and that's it. It's a fun rush (especially since there are so many games and they are all weird) and perfect for someone who wants constant change and gratification.

So the main "hook" from Twisted is the twisting: the motion control on the bottom of the cart. Basically it only senses you tilting it left and right (it isn't a true gyroscope like one that's in the iPhones) and, while not particularly accurate for menu navigation, does well enough in minigames that require minimum precision. 

Not great for menu navigation, great for minigames. 

Essentially, Twisted just replaces all d-pad movements (left and right) with twisting, as the d-pad is completely unused in this game (including the menus). The minigames have been slightly adapted to better fit this (most are slightly easier, but that becomes moot when you play on the third level of difficulty) and the game really gets crazy when you have to twist and press A at the same time. It's a good way to mix up what they already did, even if it isn't that dramatic an improvement.

So how does it play? I've been a bit lukewarm in my review so far, but I can say that this game absolutely invokes the same frantic, addicting formula that Mega Microgame$ has. If anything, twisting only makes the game trickier, as you have to quickly physically move the game boy for the fastest, craziest games which makes it much harder. The minigames are well adapted for the mechanic and scale very well, the story mode teaching you all the mechanics before tossing you into some hard ones. 

Twist to block!

The only complain I might have is they are a bit too easy, at least compared to Mega Microgame$. Most are considerably simpler on the first run, probably to accommodate for the floaty twisting controls. Honestly, I'm fine with this, as the twisting adds enough of a difficult spin (pun intended) to make it still seem fresh and challenging, but I can't help but think as I'm playing these games how much easier they'd be if they just let me use the directional buttons.

All that aside, this game plays fantastic. The motion sensor rarely screws up (if ever, and only in the menus) and despite it being an obvious gimmick it fits the playstyle of WarioWare perfectly. So, in that regard, total success from Nintendo taking something they already had and putting a new spin (pun also intended) on it. 

Avoid the bird poo!

Graphically the game is pretty much the same as its predecessor. It doesn't quite seem to have the same weirdness of the first game (it's a bit more self-aware this time around) which loses a bit of the charm, but as a whole it works. I particularly like the 8-bit NES levels that are warped to work around the twisted mechanic. 

The sound is also fantastic, though it recycles most of the sound effects from the first game. Again, if it ain't broke don't fix it, but it does all seem a bit familiar.

WARIOMAN!

All in all, WarioWare: Twisted! is an excellent evolution of an already great formula. While it isn't quite the breath of fresh air that the first game was, it does well enough with it's fun twisting and silly microgames to merit a look if you enjoyed the first game. Fun, silly, and challenging with a TWIST?!, Twisted is absolutely worth any GBA owner's time. 

Four out of five stars. 

Still better than NES Golf. 

WarioWare Inc.: Mega Microgame$!

The Short

Pros
- Tons (200+) of short, fast paced micro games
- Game is addicting, quick, and perfect for short or long play sessions
- Only uses the control pad and one button. That's simplicity!
- Music and graphics are charming, with some games taking nods from old NES classics
- Insane number of unlockables, including a full version of Dr. Mario
- Story is absurd but fun, and the characters are charming
- Seriously, there's a nose picking minigame. How can this not be great?

Cons
- Some of the microgames are duds
- Being unable to skip story sequences for the first viewing was an oversight
- No way to compare high scores online/between systems
- Eventually you run out of games

In-game advertising at its finest

The Long

WarioWare Inc.: Mega Microgame$! is a game idea that I'm honestly surprised nobody has thought up before. Essentially a minigame (or "microgame") collection, WarioWare sounds like a simple, basic idea that would bore someone quickly. I mean, sure there's like a two-hundred games on here, but most of them usually only involve one button and all of the last no longer than ten seconds. How can this sort of ADHD game design work?

Well, it does. And WarioWare's absolutely brilliant blend of weirdness, speedy gameplay, and fantastic minigames makes it one of the best games ever released on the Game Boy Advance. And, truth be told, it could very well be my most favorite game on the system. 

Don't get stomped. Simple enough, right? 

The plot is hilariously self-aware. Wario, who is tired of being shoved to the side by Nintendo (despite having the honor of having the best Virtual Boy game as well as some great puzzle and platforming games along the way) decides to make his own game in order to rake in the cash. The problem is he isn't very good at making games that are very long, so he goes for a "quantity over quality" approach. Hence, the microgame.

The "story" follows between Wario and a cast of friends that (as far as I know) were invented solely for this franchies. Each has their own theme of minigames to grow accustomed to, and once you figure out their specific style you move on to the next one. My absolute favorite is the retro gaming kid, whose minigames are usually just segments cut straight from classes NES games, sometimes with Wario inserted for no reason. Absolutely hysterical. 

Nintendo: Drawing on their rich history for Wario's fun and profit. 

So what do you do in WarioWare? It's actually a very simple concept: you have four lives (or chances to fail, rather), and the game blasts you through a boatload of microgames. Some are simply timing a button press. Others require a bit of movement. And some require both movement and a button press. Yeah, advanced tactics here.

Each game is no longer than ten seconds, some shorter. A bomb at the bottom of the screen counts down, meaning you have to learn what to do in the games very quickly and then accomplish it at breakneck speed. Which, on the final stages, can mean even a fraction of a second's hesitation can ruin you. 

Shoot the duck!

As you continue the speed ramps up and up until you fight a "boss" stage. These are usually longer than the usual stage (sometimes reaching 30+ seconds) and are a bit more challenging. Beat them and you recover one life, the difficulty for all the minigames goes up a notch, and you are at it again. There are three levels of difficulty and who knows how many levels of speed (once you max out difficulty it just keeps getting faster and faster until you lose), turning it into a frantic, insane dash. 

The game works because of its brilliant blend of silly, nostalgic, and absurd all wrapped up with solid and addicting gameplay. Each microgame is so fast and instantly rewarding that failing out completely only makes you want to load it up again. High scores are saved and special unlocks are rewarded when you do particularly great. Unfortunately, there is no real way to share these scores unless you have a friend locally to show off with, but such is the days before the internet. Or WiFi, at least. 

Shake!

Eventually you'll get through all of Wario's friends, and this is where I think the best part of the game unlocks: the towers. Basically there are three infinite runs that cycle through all the minigames you've unlocked (you unlock them by playing and beating them across the various characters) but each has special parameters. None have bosses or the ability to recover lives. 

One starts you at the easiest speed and level, and slowly ramps up. Another stays on the easiest level but on max speed, making it absolutely frantic. And my favorite, the most difficult, puts it on the hardest difficulty, one life, and with the ability for the game to speed up. It's extremely taxing but quite rewarding when you beat your high scores. I probably sunk hours into these three levels alone, if only because they are such a fast-paced, intense rush.

You'll have most of the games memorized, but that won't mean you've mastered them. 

The game also has a plethora of unlocks, including full versions of Dr. Mario and a few other NES classes (though in this case it's "Dr. Wario."). There's also a ton of minigames that you can unlock that are specific to WarioWare, and while most are just throwaway jokes, several are quite addicting.

Graphically this game is delightful. Every game looks distinct and unique, whether it's using imported photographs, altering 8-bit NES games to put Wario in them, or simply having a style unto itself. You'd think it wouldn't mesh (with some anime themes going alongside a minigame where you have to catch a cat when it's blinking), but somehow the bizarreness fuses into a cohesive whole. I have no idea how it works, but it's brilliant.

The music and sounds are also frantic and appropriate, with some actual voice work for Wario and his friends. It all sounds GBA tinny (and I swear I don't know what they are saying half the time because of it), but whatever...it doesn't hurt the presentation.

I love how bizarre this game is. 

WarioWare Inc.: Mega Microgame$! is awesome. For someone as ADD as myself, this is like the perfect game for me. Constantly moving, constantly changing, constantly challenging. Others will also enjoy it's frantic, breakneck pace mixed with the silliness of Wario's game choices. It is one of the few games I ever took the time to 100% (and believe me, that took a while) and, even with my extensive GBA library, is probably the game I sunk the most time into (with Final Fantasy VI Advance and Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow pulling in close).

Considering the game is currently available on the eShop for some price I couldn't bother to look up ($10 probably, or $5), I'd say if you have a 3DS you should absolutely go buy it right now. If you sport the DS Lite or GBA SP (like I do), then carts are pretty cheap too. It's addicting, fast, and fun. It also started a whole franchise (that, unfortunately, most installments don't live up to the original) of silly games, so it's got that going for it too.

An absolute blast, just don't expect to have time to catch your breath. Five out of five stars.

That cucumber still freaks me out. 

P.O.W.: Prisoners of War

The Short

Pros
- Fun beat-em-up that reminds me a little too much like Double Dragon
- Awesome graphics, especially the backgrounds
- Has the ability to punch backwards, which helps when you get surrounded
- Pick up powerups, weapons, and more

Cons
- No two player option like the arcade version
- Second level is obscenely difficult
- Only four levels in total
- Lose all your power-ups on death
- Only two lives per run
- Music is catchy but gets grating

This game was my childhood. 

The Long

It's weird to compare games people played as kids with each other. While most were weened on the beat-em-up styles of Double Dragon or Battletoads, the game my friend owned was this one: P.O.W.: Prisoners of War. It's strage, as I've judged every other beat-em-up since (whether consciously of subconsciously against this original standard, without having touched the game in nearly two decades.

Well, in a recent slew of retro game acquisitions I managed to grab a copy of P.O.W., so twenty odd years later I was able to pop in this cart and see if the game really lived up to my nostalgia. Does it? Well, I know one thing for sure: I've had the stage two music stuck in my head for two decades and I just now realized where it was from!

This song isn't even that good. I don't get it. 

Anyway, P.O.W. is an arcade port of a game SNK made of the same name. I find it ironic they kept the subtitle "Prisoners of War," seeing as this game is not a two player game, despite what the box art would indicate. You play as Bert (yeah, that's seriously his name) as he busts out of a prison camp and punches and kicks dudes to victory. Pretty standard beat-em-up fare. 

Dragon kick!

The game itself is pretty standard as well. You have a button for punching (which is fast) and a button for kicking (which is slower), and pressing both does a pretty useless air kick. Probably the best feature this game has over others is a back punch; if a guy is behind you and you press back and the punch button, you'll stay facing but do the most badass looking backhand smack behind you for a hefty amount of damage. Considering one of the biggest threats in games like Double Dragon is getting surrounded, this back punch is a really good way to help ease a bit of that pain. 

As you kick and punch your way through guys you have the option of sneaking into the back of buildings or trucks (kind of like Metal Gear) in search of items. There's only really two: brass knuckles that increase your attack, and a vest that makes you immune to thrown knives. You can also pick up enemy weapons like knives (which he tosses rather than keeps for some stupid reason) and an M16 with limited ammo. The M16 can be both good and bad: it destroys bosses, but makes your melee hit awful.

Knife, meet fist. 

Most people will breeze through the first level assuming they aren't six years old, but most everybody will get stuck on the second level. All powerups disappear when you die, and you only have two lives (you get another every 20,000 points). The first level is a good mix of fairness and difficulty (enemies are never overwhelming), but in level two things get stupid. You have motorcycles that you have to time your jump kicks perfectly with or you lose half your health. You have scuba guys who pop out of the water and require split-second reactions. And you have guys with guns everywhere that don't drop the guns, which is frustrating in and of itself.

Like most NES SNK games, P.O.W. looks pretty good. 

Another minor issue I had was the screen scrolling. It just...doesn't do it when you need it to. You have to be way too close to the right side of the screen for it to finally scroll, meaning enemies will pop out and cause some cheap hits. If you have fast enough reflexes it won't be an issue, but it is annoying. 

These aside, I really enjoyed playing P.O.W., even now. I'm somewhat jaded against this genre as a whole (it is essentially mindless tedium with difficulty designed to swallow quarters), but P.O.W. did what the best in the genre do: made me feel empowered. Kill dudes feels good, kicking them off the screen and outmaneuvering squads of guys with knives. It's challenging, but the controls are tight and the action solid. It's just a huge pity this is a single-player game, because co-op would have made it a classic. 

These bikers are still the absolute worst. 

Graphically, P.O.W. looks quite good. The sprites are big and well detailed, and the backgrounds are especially gorgeous. There's often colorful mountains with clouds behind, or lush palm trees with blue skies above. Really, this is a very pretty NES game, and certainly pushes the limitations of the system in terms of art design.

The music is a mixed bag. As mentioned the stage two song was stuck in my head, but relistening they tend to loop much sooner than you'd hope. The songs are all decent, but hardly anything you'll be putting on your iPod. Still, it's better than awful noise, which means it's still head and shoulders above most NES games. 

Gonna get all Rambo on this dude. 

So does P.O.W. hold up? Well, I'm still frustrated I can't beat stage two very easily (something that's hindered me my whole life up to this point), and the game really is just another Double Dragon clone, but despite all that I really think P.O.W. is pretty awesome. It's fun, looks great, and is a good time waster if you are into beat-em-ups. It's just a real pity it isn't two player. 

Still, you can grab it for about $5 or less, so if you see it in your local store I'd say give it a shot. For me, this game is so rich with nostalgia it's hard to present it unbiased. The opening scene where he blows a hole in the wall of his cell is one of my first gaming memories. And the fact it's held up really makes me happy.

It's flawed and perhaps derivative, but it certainly still is fun. Three out of five stars. 

And yeah, this is the game that started this meme, so it's got that going for it.

Karate Champ

The Short

Pros
- One of the first two player fighting games
- I like the judge's stoic frown

Cons
- Controls are awful
- Sound effects are bland (though I do like the tinny voices)
- Almost impossible to know what you are doing
- Graphics look awful, even for an early NES game

Atop the cliff, the warriors prepared themselves. 

The Long

Karate Champ is a trap. That's really all it is. You go to the retro game store and think "I remember that one game...Kung Fu or something? That game was ok, right?" Then you see Karate Champ sitting there for something like $2 and say to yourself "Hey, it's only $2! For karate! I like karate! I like The Karate Kid! Mr. Miyagi is the bomb! I bet this game at least has some karate in it!" 

Wait, this didn't happen to any of you? Me either. Because luckily I remembered, dear reader. I remembered. And replaying this game has only confirmed my memory: Karate Champ is like a karate kick to the face. Except the kick is coming from your Nintendo, and your face is...well, it's your face.

What is this, Castlevania? Is the red guy Dracula? Do I get to punch Dracula? Where my meds be at?

Karate Champ is a one-on-one fighting game, like Street Fighter II. 

Hold on a second, I can't believe I just made that comparison. Let me try again.

Karate Champ is a one-on-one fighting game, like Shaq-Fu. You face off either against a computer opponent or a friend you wish to quickly make an enemy in a karate battle royale. As you progress you traverse to different worlds and areas, the fighters never changing and the dude watching never smiling. It's how I'd imagine hell would be like, or maybe a really crappy reimagining of Eat, Pray, Love, only instead of food it's karate. Actually, that might make the movie better.

Expect to see this a lot, because red is a bastard. 

All the fights are exactly the same, locations just change. All fighters are the same and control the same. The computer's AI never really changes based on my experience as you progress, so there really isn't a difficulty curve. Not that I'd know, because for the life of me I still can't figure out exactly how this game controls.

You have a button for kick and a button for punch. Ducking or pressing up and these buttons sometimes does stuff, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes my guy kicks behind him when there is a person in front of him. Sometimes he turns his back and won't turn around again. Does he have reason or purpose for any of this? I dunno, he's just a bunch of 1s and 0s. But I'm pretty sure he's the dumbest collection of 1s and 0s I've met in recent memory, and I just played a Dynowarz marathon. 

Dinosaurs would make this game better, though. 

Aside from the completely impossible controls (though I did manage to win by just mashing them over and over in a similar pattern), the game looks hideous. The kicks and punches (with the exception of the screenshot above) look cheap and bland. Animation is nonexistent; you get about one frame per attack. The characters are flat and look like paper cut-outs in front of the backgrounds that at least employ some depth. And the frowning guy...he is never happy. Ever. 

Sound effects are bland. There's no music, just the sounds of them huffing. I'll admit it's ok, but...no, it isn't. It sounds awful. The grunts sound like two dogs trying to get it on. I'm sorry for that mental image.

How is he standing on something that's obviously far away? Who designed this crap?

Data East: you've done better. Not much better, but you've done a little better, I know it. But this...this game is miserable. It's just a miserable ball of misery. Karate Champ will remind you nothing of whatever memories you might have of karate that are positive. I dunno, I was more a Tae-Kwon-Do guy myself, to be honest.

Anyway, if you see this game in a store, PLEASE remember this review. Even if it's a doller, that's a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger you could have gotten. And I don't even like Wendy's. 

Zero out of five stars. 

Though you could karate chop the cart in half. That would be badass. First person to do it and send me a video gets a prize!