Chubby Cherub - Nathan vs Video Games

The first in the awesome (?) new video game movie series on the interwebs: Nathan vs Video Games...the...uh...videos? Ok, so the title needs work.

Star rating? One out of five. 

Yoostar 2: In The Movies

The Short

Pros
- Act in REAL MOVIES!
- A good 50 odd film clips to insert yourself or friends into
- Playing the game with friends can be pretty amusing
- Decent mix across genres, styles, and time
- Can upload your videos online and share them with friends

Cons
- Kinect's video recording camera looks like absolute garbage, especially next to the movie clips
- Doesn't do a good job cropping/trimming your images, and the mic is also pretty bad
- Most clips from famous movies aren't "that clip," you know, the one you actually want to perform
- Menus are clunky and hard to navigate with Kinect interface
- Doesn't have any replay value beyond a novelty you show friends

The GiantBomb bros reenact Norbit, a classic for the ages. 

The Long

The idea behind Yoostar 2 SHOULD work. Being able to insert ourselves into our favorite movies to reenact (or just act stupid) sounds both hilarious and fun, and doing it with a friend would only enhance the experience. The makers of Yoostar went so far as to say that "Yoostar will do for movies what Guitar Hero did for rock."

...yeah, it sure did. That's why I got this game off a clearance rack at K-Mart for $5. Infinite replay value. 

No sense of scale, here. 

As stated, the concept of Yoostar 2 sounds appealing. The game gives you a very wide range and selection of movies and TV to choose from, each with their own iconic moments. You can then insert yourself as one of the characters in the scene, the game will prompt you to speak the required lines at the right times, and then replay it for you. It sounds like it would be great to mess up your favorite movies, and it...sort of is, until you realize the game isn't doing half of what you think it is. 

The game only notices sound, and only if it's making noises at the right time. It can't check actual words (much like Rock Band and other singing games), it doesn't have any scenes that require actual movement (which, given the Kinect's capabilities, is the biggest loss for me), and can't sense facial expressions or anything like that. So you are pretty much just playing karaoke, except instead of singing you are reciting movie lines (or just making up your own, which I did for a certain Terminator scene). 

Acting masters. 

Once you do a scene once, you probably won't want to do it again. Luckily there's a lot here...but I swear their selection isn't very good when it comes to actual scenes from the movies. And why the heck is Norbit in this game? Norbit is like the worst movie ever! And while it's funny to be Derek Zoolander once, if you don't have friends in the room to laugh at your performance you feel pretty lame. And alone. And friendless.

But these conceptual issues have nothing on the technical problems, most of which stem from the Kinect camera itself.

First off, the microphone in the Kinect, which the game uses to record all the lines. I'll be frank: that mic is a piece of crap. I have no idea why it is so bad, but when it comes to recording things it just sounds terrible. The game makes no attempt to adjust your voice or input so that it matches the other actors in the movie (to provide a sense of volume balance) so often I'll be WAY LOUDER than the movie I'm in. The camera also picks up every little thing, so you can get bad scoring by just having a friend laugh at your antics in the background. Awesome. 

The movie selection is mostly good, but with a lot of bad. 

But the ultimate offense is how badly you look after rehearsing. The Kinect's actual camera (vs the infared one) is pretty bad, making the video quality look worse than something I would have recorded off my Razr phone back in 2004. And while I can understand it might be hard to sufficiently "crop" someone's body from the background, if you have long hair (like me) or move a lot it'll often lose you and cut body parts off. Bad trimming with bad recording makes you look like a fuzzy home video cardboard cutout, which is completely unappealing to watch. 

WHICH DEFEATS THE POINT OF THE ENTIRE GAME.

Gettin' ready to "act"

Perhaps the most damning problem with Yoostar 2 revolves back to my original complaints: there is no longevity here. Yeah, it makes for a fun time if it's the first time your friends have seen it, and you might get a few laughs out of ruining some movies (because, seriously, acting them out is boring), but after four or five scenes most people are done, and once you've seen it once you've seen it forever. It isn't like Rock Band where I'll replay games over and over for higher scores, mostly because the gameplay in Rock Band is fun, and acting out scenes in Yoostar 2 is frustrating and dull. Luckily I only paid $5 for this game on super-clearance, and even then I'm not sure I got my money's worth. 

Oh yeah, navigating the menus sucks too, but that' par for the course with Kinect games. 

Yoostar 2 looks appealing on the store shelf. It looks like you'll have a total blast, a really fun time with friends and you goof off and reenact the "THIS IS SPARTA!" scene from 300. But after a few clips you and your friends will be bored and have a weird sense of awkwardness. Did I enjoy this? Was it actually funny? Or was it just really awkward? Maybe it would be better after a few drinks, but I can't attest to that either way. 

It's hard for me to even recommend this as a gimmick game. Like I said, $5, still not sure if I got my money's worth. If someone gives it to you for free then I guess it might be worth your time. But, honestly, this game is just a slew of broken promises, bad tech, and awkwardness. There are better Kinect games if you want to show off your new toy, so go get some of those instead. 

One out of five stars. 

Meet the Fockers. Another classic. 

10-Yard Fight

Video Review

Text Review

The Short

Pros
- The first American football simulator on the NES
- Was...simple? That's a plus, right?
- Dive move when on defense turns your character into Superman
- Can be played two-player, on both offense and defense

Cons
- Incredibly boring
- Only really have two plays
- Characters move excruciatingly slow
- Receiver takes about two years to go across the line before a hike
- Graphics are ugly and there is no music
- Even two players, this game is boring and uninteresting

You'll wish that said "Tecmo Super Bowl" pretty quickly

The Long

Ah, launch NES titles. There's something sort of neat about them, how they helped lay the groundwork for an upcoming generation of games. Among this collection was a rather hefty collection of sports games (Golf, Tennis, Baseball, and 10-Yard Fight). There were also the "Black Box" collection of games, of which a fair number were sports games as well (Volleyball, Pro Wrestling, Soccer). With the NES quickly gaining steam, sports games broke off shortly after into the massive industry it is today. Just try and figure out how many baseball and golf games there are on the NES. I'll give you a hint: a lot.

There were also a lot of football games, though nothing compares to the yearly installments of Maddon and NCAA EA pumps out. Most people probably remember the Tecmo Bowl games when thinking back on them, but before that Nintendo put out this little "gem" in it's launch lineup: 10-Yard Fight.

And this review is going to be short, because this game is like Golf: absolutely dull.

Football. Wee. 

Rather than future games when would be played on a horizontal field, 10-Yard Fight opts for a vertical one. It plays like standard American football: you hike the ball, then try to make progress towards the ten-yard line (hence the game's title) to score a first down. Later, rinse, repeat until you reach the end of the field.

And I can't believe I just explained how football freaking works. I must assume my readers are idiots.

Anyway, one of the best features about nearly every football video game in existence (and the sport itself) are the plays. Complex maneuvers that all the players know and attempt to use to juke out the other team and score more yards. Well, if you like that than too bad: 10-Yard Fight will have nothing of it. In fact, there is very little you actually do control in this game. 

Yes, I'm padding the review by dodging the point. I'll get to it now. 

All you control in 10-Yard Fight is when the ball is hiked, and whether to pass it to your receiver, some other guy, or try to run with it (not a good idea). After that? Just hold up and maybe try to dodge. I guess.

Defense isn't much better. You are given the option before the play to control one of two guys, and you don't get to switch during play (so if you picked the wrong one, you are just boned). You do have an awesome flying dive that covers like six yards every time he does it, but if you miss you'll go flying off into space like a moron.

The controls for both are cumbersome and tedious, and the "feedback" is non-existant. I didn't really feel like I was making progress, and my characters are so small and move so slow it's tedious to watch.

Yawn.

I'd say more but that's pretty much it. The graphics, as you can see, somehow look worse than even Golf, and there is no music whatsoever. Kicking field goals is kind of fun, but since it never cuts to a more cinematic view even that is boring.

The game can also be played two-player, but why would you subject somebody else to this? My wife and I tried playing it and quit after the first touchdown (which, *cough*, she scored. Yeah...)

Regardless of your love or hatred of football games, one can agree: 10-Yard Fight is mediocre at the very best. I have to at least give it credit for following the basic gist of how football works (and offering the ability to play on defense, which the arcade version didn't), but even as a forerunner this game is not very fun. Pick up a superior Tecmo offering instead. 

One out of five stars. At least Golf will have somebody to hang out with, now.

Play this one instead. It's much better. 

Elite Beat Agents

The Short

Pros
- Excellent Western interpretation of Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan.
- Keeps the same addicting gameplay of the original with a ton of Western songs
- Genres range from rock to pop to punk to...Jackson 5.
- Sixteen missions with three secret missions add up to a lot of content
- Keeps the same goofy premise, hilarious cutscenes, and absolute weirdness of the original

Cons
- Songs are all covers, and some sound pretty bad
- Sound quality over the DS speakers is a bit lame. Use headphones.
- Once you master it, you are sad because there isn't an Elite Beat Agents 2

MY BODY IS READY. 

The Long

It's no secret that I loved Osu! Tatake! Ouendan. However, I was a bit sad the game never saw a US release. I mean, the game is so addicting, so well crafted, and just so much fun it would make sense to bring it over here, right?

Well, yeah, actually, because they did just that. Elite Beat Agents is Ouendan, but for the West. And guess what? It's fantastic too. 

I love that the director looks like Peter Jackson.

Similar to Ouendan, the plot of Elite Beat Agents revolves around an elite government society that is there to help you get your groove on. Under-motivated? Depressed? Upset? Simply call for help and the Elite Beat Agents will break into your house and start dancin' until you are motivated to get done what needs doin'!

While Ouendan was absurd because these were a bunch of male cheerleaders (which, in my opinion, is funner than a government agency), Elite Beat Agents is not going to be outdone for weirdness. While the scenarios in Ouendan were over the top, EBA takes it to a new level. What, a Pug trying to get home to the tune of Highway Star isn't funny enough for you? What about a baseball player who is washed up, working at an amusement park, when a FIRE BREATHING GOLEM attacks for no reason? What about a zombie outbreak where a trucker equips a gun that shoots bitter peanuts at said zombies, turning them back to normal people? What about aliens invading and banning music so nothing but literally the power of rock can create a giant music rock laser and blast them from the skies? 

Yeah, and that ain't even the half of it. Elite Beat Agents makes Ouendan look downright subtle. 

This game is surprisingly heavy on the cultural jokes. 

The gameplay remains the exact same. You have a bar at the top that is constantly draining, so to keep it from running out and the music from dying forever you gotta dance. And by "dance" I mean "tap or slide or spin the buttons to the beat." As before there are three tiers of scoring, each giving more life (and I guess "miss" and "bad" but getting those just sucks so I never counted them) as well as points. Combos are imperative for high scores, as well as staying alive. It's still extremely addicting, very fast, and really fun.

Also as before we have the same four levels of difficulty, with Insane being Hard with smaller buttons and the stages reversed. It's a downright dexterous challenge, so be sure and take a break or your stylus hand will start cramping up. The final song (Jumping Jack Flash in sort of a weird, rockinger cover) is absolutely absurd in its level of difficulty on Insane, and beating that will make you feel like a downright rock god. 

Peter Jackson's Cat Kong. 

The game looks identical to Ouendan, all the way down to the art style. You have the same 3D models on bottom with animated scenes on top, all over the top and absurd. I'll admit Ouendan is a bit more flamboyant in its overacting, but Elite Beat Agents manages to fill its own unique space with its stupid premises, so the games are distinct but still very similar.

The soundtrack really makes or breaks this game for some, and it's...a mixed bag. As much as I hate Skater Boy, playing You're The Inspiration by Chicago in a game like this is just awesome, as well as Bowie's Just Dance and the Stones' Jumpin' Jack Flash. There's a good deal of modern rock as well, such as Good Charlotte and Hoobastink, weirdly enough. It's worth noting, however, that these are all covers, and not the Guitar Hero 2 kind where they actually tried to pick singers that sound like the originals: these are very obviously covers. It didn't bug me much (though their version of Jumpin' Jack Flash, as I said earlier, is way heavier on the drums and guitar) but some purists might be annoyed. 

The only true defenders. 

Elite Beat Agents is one of my favorite DS games, if not my most favorite (it does have to compete with the Pokemon games). Fast, furious, and with tons of difficulty options and songs, Elite Beat Agents knocks it out of the park. Considering the game can be grabbed for under $10 easily from any used game store, you really should check it out. You will be pleasantly surprised, I assure you.

Tinny music and weird cover choices aside, Elite Beat Agents is a fantastic music game. 

AGENTS ARE...

GO!!!!!

(Five out of five stars)

(also, this.)

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan

The Short

Pros
- Excellent rhythm/music game on the DS
- Soundtrack is a delightful mix from a variety of Japanese song genres
- Premise is silly and stupid, and you'll understand it even if you don't speak Japanese
- Multiple levels of difficulty allow for a long string of progression

Cons
- A bit  heavy on the J-Pop
- One of the slower songs is a good change of pace, but it comes out of nowhere
- Game eventually ends

This game is pretty Japan. 

The Long

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan (translated roughly into: "I have no idea what this is in Japanese") is a Japan-only released rhythm game, and remains to date the only game I have ever imported. It's a well known fact that I'm a massive fan of music games in nearly all their varieties, but Ouendan was the very first music game I ever played and got hopelessly addicted to. This was back before Elite Beat Agents (essentially the US version of this game) existed, and since I'd heard great stuff about this game I found a copy off PlayAsia or eBay or something (I honestly don't remember) and imported the sucker.

I am very glad that I did.

Ouendan is an absolutely fantastic music game, even when I had no idea what any of the songs were or what anybody was saying (either in the lyrics or the on-screen text). A great blend of silly, stupid, and challenge, Ouendan is a must-get for fans of music games...though if you live in the US you should probably get Elite Beat Agents first.

Study, little man!

The "plot" to Ouendan is stupid and over the top and I love it so much. Essentially, whenever people are stressed, tired, or feel stuck, they can just shout "OUENDAN!" Moments later, a group of all-male cheerleaders clad in black trenchcoats will literally break into your house, motivating you to do whatever it is you need to do by the power of dance. I guess "Ouendan" is the name of a real-life Japanese cheerleading squad that is all male and wears black trenchcoats? You can see how much fact-checking I do for these reviews.

Anyway, the situations start simple (do homework, get a boss to notice you and ask you out to a dance) and quickly escalate into the absurd (fight a giant Godzilla monster, save the earth from an incoming asteroid). All of these issues are overcome by the power of dance, with mid-song cutscenes that play out either good or bad depending on how you are doing. They are well-animated, very funny, and fully aware that they are being far too self-serious. It's tongue pressed firmly in cheek, and even with the language barrier I knew enough to get a lot of laughs out of the goofy premises. 

Screw up, and you ruin someone's hopes and dreams. 

But this wouldn't be worth anything if not paired with great gameplay, and Ouendan provides this and in spades. The top screen is essentially just used to tell the story, and honestly you won't have time to look up there because you'll be looking at the bottom screen. Made by the same guy who made Guitaroo Man, Ouendan is surprisingly similar. Essentially, buttons appear (with numbers for the order) and you have to tap them in order of the beat. As songs get harder you'll be sliding your stylus, spinning, and tapping in rapid fury. It sounds simple, but believe me: this game gets challenging very quickly.

Tap to use copier!

At the top of the screen is your life bar which, unlike most games, is constantly draining. Each tap is ranked into three tiers, the closer on beat you are the more life you get. Screw up and you lose a bonus chunk of life, which can mess you up very quickly. This becomes especially bananas on the hardest difficulty (appropriately titled "Insane,") where the health bar drops so fast on the later songs you have to hit every note perfectly; just getting an "Ok 100" for being slightly off won't fill the life fast enough to prevent death. It's a good system that keeps you on your toes, though it might be frustrating for those who don't pick up on it fast.

As stated, this game has four difficulty modes, the top two of which have to be unlocked. Beginner and Normal are pretty standard and teach the basics, but Hard is extremely rough. But things get even crazier on Insane: not only does the life drain faster (as mentioned above), but buttons are half the size and appear later (giving you a shorter window to tap). It's the same stages as Hard (though they might be mirrored; I don't remember, but they are in Elite Beat Agents) but this new level of challenge is only for the hardcore.

The cutscenes on top are hilarious, but you'll never have time to watch them. 

Graphically, Ouendan is fantastic. The dancers are 3D sprites that move with the button presses, while the story is presented in somewhat animated cutscenes on top. The art is charming and fun, and as stated completely over the top. It's a laugh riot, and luckily you don't need to know a lick of Japanese to get the humor.

Of course, a music game lives or dies by its soundtrack, and I'm pleased to say Ouendan picks a great batch of tunes, even for Western importers. I don't know any J-Pop to speak of, but I found myself humming a good number of these songs after the fact, and while they're all covers I...wouldn't know that. Like the Persona series, Ouendan picks some standout Japanese tunes that are fun, funny, and catchy. I admit to looking a few of these up on youtube after the fact. 

The Bossman don't let the Ouendan mess around.

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan was an awesome intro to the music genre of games for me. Peppered with weird and silliness and coupled with an obscenely addicting game (loaded with content, too; those 15 songs go a long way over various difficulty levels), Ouendan is a must-own for fans of the genre. You can import it for relatively cheap, though again: Elite Beat Agents is the western version and is essentially the same game. However, that one just doesn't quite reach the oddness levels of this original, and since you can never have too many songs, I'd still suggest picking it up.

Absolute screen-tapping joy. Five out of five stars.  

Spin, you fool! SPIN!

1943: The Battle for Midway

Video Review

Text Review

The Short

Pros
- Excellent shmup set in World War II
- Fight both in air and at sea! Bonus!
- Upgrade and energy system provides a unique spin on the usual "one hit, one life" setup of these games
- Controls are fluid and graphics rarely sputter, flicker, or slowdown
- Lots of fun with good music and sound effects
- An absurd twenty-three levels. Holy crap!

Cons
- Only one player
- Background graphics are a bit dull
- Enemy variety is low
- Game is hard, even with a turbo controller
- Takes a bit to grow on you

Pew pew pew!

The Long

I've said it before: I love the shmup genre, but I suck at shmup games. Games like Lifeforce, Gradius, Ikaruga, and others are some of my favorites to play, but I make no claim to being any good at them. 1943 is yet another NES overhead shooter, based on the arcade game of the same name. Considering there are about eighty quad-zillion shooters on the NES, how well does this one hold up?

Incredibly well, actually, and not just for it's unique World War II theme.

Powerups are frequent and always useful

1943 is sort of based on the Battle for Midway, as you probably got from the game's title. You play a single fighter against squadrons of identical green planes, a few red planes, and sometimes some bigger planes of various colors. In truth, picking the setting meant there wasn't much in terms of variety for the enemies, but it's ok. It isn't bananas insane like Lifeforce, but blowing up planes still works so we'll take it.

While enemy repetition is a bit annoying, the game does mix things up a bit at the half-way point in stages. Almost every stage has three portions: an aerial stage, a stage down below where you fight ships and planes, and a boss. Oh, did I mention this game has twenty-three stages? Twenty-three! That's absurd! How did they fit all that on one cart? I have no idea, but it's great. 

The boats can get pretty tricky. 

The gameplay to 1943 is a bit unique. Rather then have life, you actually have an energy meter in the lower right that is constantly draining. Using special attacks or taking hits will cause it to drain faster, and once it reaches zero you die in a single hit. So then you have to make a decision: do I use a screen-clearing bomb at the cost of energy, or save it so that I'll last longer? It provides a good risk/reward balance, though I pretty much just always horded my energy.

Some enemies drop power-ups that'll boost your energy temporarily, but the best idea is to invest points you get by finding secrets into buffing your ship. Yeah, points to buff stats. 1943 is like an RPG...sort of .

Gotta grind a more Smithing so I can make the ultimate cockpit!

Powerups also have a unique system. Shooting them changes what they'll be when you pick them up, letting you pick and choose what new weapon power you get. It's cool and lets you avoid the awful powerups. Lastly, there are tons of secrets to find. Shooting special areas repeatedly will reveal better powerups (usually in the form of more stat points) which can then be collected. It's a cool system of progression you usually don't see in these types of games, and adds to the addicting quality.

There is something worth noting, though: 1943 is hard. Like, NES hard. You have one life (and unlimited continues, thankfully) so when your energy runs out and you get shot, expect to start the whole stage over. The game is considerably easier if you have a turbo button, so bust out the NES Advantage, NES Max, or Nintendo Four-Score because you are gonna need it. Your thumbs will thank me, promise. 

My only real complaint about the gameplay is the total lack of two-player co-op. That's pretty much a staple for the genre! Playing by myself isn't fun, even if it does mean I get to horde all the upgrade points!

I will never see this screen, because I have enough problems trying to beat level 3. 

Graphically, 1943 is a mixed bag. The backgrounds are usually just dull blue, sometimes with clouds. The enemies, as stated before, are repetitive and are mostly just planes and boats. However, 1943 does have an extremely impressive graphical accomplishment: no screen flicker. No matter how many planes, projectiles, or whatever I had on screen, none of their sprites flickered. This was paired with an extremely smooth framerate, that I only saw stutter very slightly on a few bosses. Considering how these types of games on the NES are usually plagued with both sprite flicker and slowdown (Legendary Wings, I'm looking at you), the fact that 1943 managed to overcome this so deftly is pretty astounding. It's probably because the stupid game doesn't have co-op, but I'm digressing.

Music is decent and, thankfully, not as awful as the noise in 1942. Though the "low energy" song is incredibly obnoxious and drowns out any other sounds in the game. Yes, my energy is low, I got it. Thanks. 

Protip: Get the lasers. Always get the lasers. 

So is 1943 worth checking out? If you like the genre (and own a turbo controller...and have a lot of patience), then absolutely. It can be grabbed for around $5, and did I mention it has twenty-three levels?! That's a killer value right there!

Somewhat bland graphics and lack of co-op aside, 1943 is a fantastic shmup that incorporates a lot of new elements fused with solid core gameplay, and everything runs so smoothly it's amazing to watch. Seriously, I couldn't believe my NES was running a shmup without slowdown. It's just...unheard of.

If you can handle the challenge, 1943 is certainly worth your time. Three out of five stars. 

Though it still strikes me as weird when the Japanese make games about Americans shooting down their ancestors. 

Slender

The Short

Pros
- Provides a decent atmosphere of dread
- Gets at least one good jump scare out of you
- The Slender Man mythos is a ripe and scary one to draw from
- Made by one guy; that's pretty good
- Sound design is fantastic

Cons
- Isn't actually all that scary; more boring than anything
- Walking speed is absurdly, frustratingly slow
- Whatever algorithm spawns Slender is poor and borderline broken
- Running is useless, as is your feeble light
- Less of a game and more an experience, and not a very good experience at that

Slender Man is watching. 

The Long

I have to preface this review with two things: I love horror games, and I love the Slender Man mythos. Devised by a group at Something Awful during a "photoshop a scary/supernatural element into regular pictures," it depicted a tall, thin man who would just be standing behind normal, unaware people across a variety of pictures. A thin framework of backstory (regarding how he kidnapped children and those who sought him) was just vague enough to let one's imagination do the rest, and the phenomenon that ensued resulted in both some fantastic Blair Witch YouTube videos as well as some pretty awful attempts to milk the idea for all it was worth.

So it makes sense that, after a time, a video game would be devised from this concept. Coming literally out of nowhere (much like the Slender Man himself), Slender showed up for free on PC or Mac, developed by one guy. Already this game has been touted as the "scariest game ever made," spawning hundreds of Let's Play videos on YouTube, reviews, and cult status. Gamers are dragging their non-gaming friends into dark rooms and forcing them to play for the delight of an internet audience, and for a while you couldn't go anywhere on the internet without hearing about Slender.

So...as a hardened horror game (and film...and novel) fan, does Slender deliver? Well...let's talk about that.

Sup?

Slender has a very simple goal: collect eight pages dealing with the Slender Man's origin (though really they are just random, creepy scratches) without getting spotted (or staring at) the Slender Man, who will kill you. The more pages you gather the greater the odds that ol' Slender will pop out, your odds of survival steadily decreasing until you finally gather them all. And then (not to spoil the game) you die anyway, in true horror film fashion. 

Let's address the good first: the atmosphere. On initial play, Slender uses sound wonderfully. Initially, before you have any pages recovered, there is no background sound at all. After two pages faint drum beats will echo in the background. Gather some more and the creepy ambient noises will continue, overshadowing your footsteps. Aside from the static noise that comes up when Slender is near, these are the only real sounds in the game, aside perhaps the whistling of wind in the trees. It's an excellent use of less-is-more horror, reminding me of the numerous silent moments that permeated the Silent Hill series. 

Unfortunately, while the game might offer a few chills the first couple minutes, the real truth about the game comes out: Slender isn't actually very scary. In fact, it's more frustrating than anything. 

You'll be seeing these dumb trees a lot more than Slender Man, honestly. Or pages. Or anything. 

Let's just break down the basic game design here. You are thrown into the middle of a large, landmarkless woods. You have a pathetic flashlight that hardly lets you see a few feet in front of you, so honestly your better bet is to leave it off and just turn up your screen brightness (the light also attracts Slender, so I rarely even turned it on). The area is quite large with random landmarks appearing in different locations. The eight pages randomly spawn on eight of these landmarks, but it changes every time. That way you can't learn the map, but it also means you can wander aimlessly around in the woods for five to ten minutes before finding a single page (or Slender for that matter, which happened my first playthrough). It's tedium at its finest. 

Exacerbating this monotony is the fact that your guy walks obscenely slow. You can sprint, but doing so causes him to flail his flashlight around like a massive moron having a seizure, so you have to run with your light off to even have it matter. Not that it does matter, because you can run around in circles for who knows how long without ever realizing it. 

PAGE GOT. 

While the game's atmosphere does make a lot of this tedious romp a bit unnerving, after a while with your mind breaking down what exactly is going on (and especially if you've played any good horror game ever, like Amnesia or Silent Hill 2), Slender seems more stupid than scary. My first run was around 20 minutes. I only got one page, and while it did give a pretty good jump scare on me when I died the first time, that's all it really was: a jump scare. I was a bit unnerved during a few situations, but hardly enough to call this the "scariest game of all time."

But perhaps the biggest issue in Slender is the title character himself: Slender Man. 

The concept of Slender Man is creepy. Turning around to see a tall, suited man with no face just staring at you across the way is horrifying. Unfortunately, Slender doesn't really get this right either. 

Slender spawns randomly near you, unmoving, looking like a bad Gary's Mod character. If you are close the screen starts to static, often before you even see the guy, and if you do look at him your screen fuzzies up so bad it's almost impossible to discern him. While the fuzziness randomly appearing does evoke a sense of frantic searching (mostly so you know which direction to run), it also ruins the creepiness. Wouldn't it have been scarier if he was coded to appear right in front of you if you turned your flashlight on? Or to spawn around corners? His spawn system seems completely random. 

I see you there, unscary guy. 

During my multiple playthroughs I actually encountered two experiences that fully show how unscary the spawning algorithm is. The first was when I was running through a wide open field, and Slender suddenly spawned right next to me. Did it make me jump? Sure. But he just...appeared. In the middle of an open field, standing there like an idiot right next to me. I actually ran into him (and didn't die) because they spawned him so close. Where's the suspense in that? He's scary in the photoshops because he blends in, hard to see. It's like the worst Where's Waldo ever...you see nothing, and then BAM, he was there the whole time. Him just appearing next to me in a very "gamey" spawning sense ruins all immersion.

The second incident was almost comedic. I found a page attached to the back of a truck. When I then turned about, Slender had spawned there, standing in front of the truck's headlights. The thing was that, since the truck was technically "obscuring my view," I actually didn't see static or take damage. He just...stood there, staring in the light, looking like an awful rendered tall blob. I jumped up and down and he didn't do anything, shined my light in his face. It wasn't until I stepped out from behind the truck that the game decided I was "taking damage" and had to run. Real scary, guys. 

I'm a tree! RAAAAAAR. 

I'm not trying to play the internet badass here, but I really don't see how this game can be scary to anybody except people who haven't played any horror games before. It uses the most basic levels of jump scares to try and catch you off guard, the game intentionally stripping you of any sense of empowerment but in all the wrong ways. While it does have some great atmosphere and will probably get one or two good jumps out of you, as a whole I was mostly bored with my Slender experience, so much so that I couldn't keep playing. And keep in mind: I played this at night, in the dark, with headphones. I really wanted to be scared by this game.

There's just too much working against it for me to recommend the game. Then again, it's completely free, so if walking around really slow looking at trees is your thing then...by all means, download it. I hear they are already remaking it on the Source Engine, which I actually am looking forward to. If they can improve the algorithm that determines when and where Slender spawns, up the walk speed, and add a bit more to the game this could really be a creepy experience. As is, it feels like an unfinished tech demo for a bigger horror game, and as such you could just go play Amnesia or something and have a much better (and scarier) experience.

But again, it's free, so you can always check it out regardless. 

Two out of five stars. 

The game just jumps straight in, no title card until after you start, which I appreciate.