God of War II

The Short

Pros
- Improves on the original God of War formula in nearly every way
- Better combos, more enemies, and tons of bosses
- Easily the best looking game on the PS2 with some incredible texture and scale work
- Lengthy quest with a host of replay options
- A whole second disc of extras
- Setpieces are even more incredible and jaw-dropping than the first game
- An excellent Swan Song for the system

Cons
- Story and character are considerably worse than they were in the first game
- While everything is marginally improved, there are no new tricks in the combat
- Extra weapons are extra useless
- Magic is also pretty much recycled exactly from the first game
- Very dependent on its quick-time events to finish bosses, stages, and to get through the most awesome setpieces
- Still is over the top with it's gore, violence, and nudity

That's using your head.

The Long

God of War was a game that sort of came out of nowhere and blew people away. Little did the creators know, but their game was going to spawn a whole slew of similar games over the next few years. I like to think God of War and Resident Evil 4 played the two biggest roles in shaping this generation of games (that and Call of Duty 4): one introduced quick time events and the linear (but accessible  action game, the other popularized third person shooting (and CoD the military shooter). 

Be that as it may, before the imitators came swarming in on the next-gen systems, we got God of War II on the PS2. Essentially the final real game on the system (though sports and music games would continue to persist for a while after), God of War II had a lot to live up to. Considering how incredible and mind blowing the first game had been, does its sequel stack up?

In most ways yes, In some others, not so. 

That's using your...arms...

Kratos is angry. After being made the titular God of War at the end of the first game, everybody in Olympus is quickly realizing he was a much bigger jerk than Ares ever was. Athena tries to warn him that if he keeps acting like a spoiled jerk eventually the gods will retaliate, but he ignores them and continues. Of course, they act, and Zeus kills Kratos and absorbs his god-powers, sending him to the underworld (again). About to die, Gaia, the titan of the earth, reveals herself to be the narrator from the first game and asks Kratos for help to overthrow the gods. Reviving him, he runs off to the Island of Fate to talk to the Sisters of Fate to change his fate (I'm seriously getting some "Island of Time" vibes from Prince of Persia: Warrior Within here). He changes his fate, rallies the titans, and the game leaves off on an horrid cliffhanger. 

Without going into too much detail (though I am considering doing a video series on this at some point), God of War II was what ruined Kratos' character. In the original God of War he was three dimensional. He had flaws. He made mistakes that he regret. He once had people he cared about who were taken from him unfairly by the gods. His brutality was horrific but it also made sense, the stage set for his bloodlust and greed (should he continue to do it) to be his undoing. Greek tragedy, as it were. 

In this game, however, the Kratos they so carefully developed in the first game has been removed for a bloodthirsty maniac. He doesn't garner any sort of sympathy from the player in any respect, acting at first like a spoiled child and then like a deranged psychopath. While you could argue that these games are just power fantasies and not meant to have any depth, I would argue that the first game presented this series as something different (as did the PSP sequels, but more on that later). Regardless, the story to God of War II is weak, full of plot holes, and despite it's epicness in scale falls completely apart if you take a closer look. 

Orlando Bloom, eat your heart out. 

Luckily, despite its rather massive failings in the story department, God of War II exceeds expectations when it comes to gameplay and visual spectacle. In nearly every regard aside from story, God of War II is a perfect sequel. It's bigger, badder, and more badass. And interwoven amongst this fantastic gameplay is an adventure set to a scale previously unheard of. It's really something to behold.

You'll be traversing the cave of titans, falling off the very earth itself to converse with Atlas, summoning and riding a phoenix, and battling bosses hundreds of times your size. The first scene of the game is you fighting the Colossus of Rhodes. Yeah, the huge statue, while you are a tiny little guy. That's the tutorial level. God of War II holds back no punches when it comes to presenting itself as the most over-the-top, epic adventure to date.

Walk it off, Kratos. 

Gameplay is almost identical to the original God of War. All the same combos are there (with a few minor exceptions), though they still dont' know what to do with the L1+Square button combo (something not fixed until God of War III), so if you played the first game you'll be able to jump right in. The changes they did make were all for the better, editing reaction times and basically smoothing the combo system out to resemble a flowing stream. As always, you can always block or roll out of any combo at any time (with a few exceptions being obviously telegraphed as you do them so you'll learn), meaning your skill is based heavily on your reaction times. There's also still a hefty helping of quick time events to pull of to murder monsters, though the best of these give you multiple button choices for how you want to brutally off the baddies. 

The only real complaint is that it's a bit too samey. The magic spells are almost cookie-cutter identical from the first game. Zeus' lightning is replaced with a bow, Poseidon's lightning with lightning balls, and even another medusa is decapitated and its head used to stone enemies. The only real new addition is the variety of subweapons (a hammer and a spear) that replace your chain-blades should you so desire. These weapons are neat in theory and do have a lot of combos, but none are as well refined as your blades, so you'll never, ever use them. 

Some like it hot. 

It's hard to describe, but this game just feels good to play. The original God of War already did this exceptionally well, but God of War II's refinements make this one of the smoothest action games I've ever played. It isn't complex by any means, and if anything the game's pretty easy (even on the harder difficulties), but the effects are just flashy enough, the moves just quick enough, and everything flows together so flawlessly it's a difficult game to put down. Again, hard to describe without playing it, but God of War II's combat is immensely response and, thus, satisfying.

This is placed in setpieces that dazzle and amaze. Enemies are just as huge as they were in the first game, only there's more of them now. You'll be ripping the heads off cerberuses, slicing the limbs off undead, ripping out cyclops eyeballs, and more. There's loads more bosses, too. While there were only really two to speak of in the first game, in God of War II you can't cross the street without some figure from Greek mythology showing up and wanting you dead. The game is perfectly paced because of this, with the platforming almost completely gone (thank goodness), the puzzles more streamlined, leaving just tons of enemies to kill and bosses to fight. And, again, since it's set against some amazing locations, you'll always want to see what's around the next corner and what upgrade you can get next from your red XP orbs. 

That minotaur is...well, he's dead. 

Perhaps the only real flaw with the awesome action sequences (which include some fun chain-swinging that puts Castlevania to shame) is the fact that most are very dependent on the quick-time events. Though I will admit the God of War series does them right: they always seem to pop up at the right time and give just the right window to get them off. That being said, they are a bit frequent. Almost every boss requires you to punch in some buttons for an over-the-top execution, and while many of the bosses are a blast with multiple stages, the whole "look to see if it's a circle or a square" bit gets old. 

But still, I can't praise the action in God of War II enough. If you can look past the fact that Kratos is the biggest, most immature jerk in the history of the world, there's plenty of brutal fun to be had here over the lengthy adventure. Plus, when you beat it you can go back and continue with your buffed-up Kratos, which is always a plus. A New Game Plus if you know what I'm sayin!

I'll take that. 

God of War II is a graphical marvel. It's hard to believe that the PS2 is considered the weakest system in terms of graphical prowess from it's generation; this is easily one of the best looking SD games I've ever played. Textures are gorgeous, with effects just exploding off the screen. Everything from dust poofs to rain falling to fire all looks downright incredible. You can't spot the polygons in Kratos' arms anymore; in fact you can hardly spot the polygons in anything. And I don't want to know what wizardry they used to make these absolutely massive setpieces with fantastic art design and detail; it's unbelievable. If you have a PS2 with component out cables, this game looks on par with games from the following gen, no joke. 

Sound and music are also outstanding, with the voice work being excellent around the board (despite the lines they have to say being pretty bad). Music continues the epic tradition from the first game, with the themes being memorable and the instruments swelling at just the right times. It's a feast int he presentation department, we'll just leave it at that. 

It always goes bad if you aren't Kratos. 

God of War II is a weird game for me. Part of me loves it for it's fantastic action, incredible locations, gorgeous graphics and killer music. It also has perfect pacing, tons of secrets, and a whole bonus disc of interviews, design documents, and more. But the other half of me (maybe the writer side) is a bit...distressed. God of War was a self-contained story, and a pretty good one at that. Expanding on that was going to take a great deal of care and thought, none of which went into this game. Kratos as a character is still somewhat sympathetic in this game, but it was stretching it pretty thin. As such it made it hard for me to justify his brutality, as he was becoming less of a three-dimensional character and more of a generic awful person. I couldn't relate with him, at all, and it made it hard to enjoy the game. 

Still, despite the squandered potential, God of War II is still absolutely worth playing for the action alone. It doesn't tie itself in well with its story at all, but the refined action (probably the best in the series save Ghost of Sparta) means you should still absolutely give it a shot.

For all it's flaws, you can't fault the game for doing well in so many areas. Four out of five stars. 

Yo, Atlas. What's up. Besides the earth, I mean. 

Top Ten Castlevania Songs

For my (late) halloween episode, I bring you my Top Ten Castlevania songs!

More reviews shortly.

God of War

The Short

Pros
- Bloody, fast-paced third person action game
- Absolutely gorgeous PS2 graphics, if a little dated
- Incredible setpieces and locations
- Cut through a slew of mythological Greek creatures
- Fantastic soundtrack
- Kratos' story of revenge is both horrific and heartwrenching
- Never a dull moment; the game keeps spurning you to keep playing

Cons
- Smaller enemies and Kratos have a bit of a low polygon count
- Balance with XP seems a bit off (especially with the Medusa head power)
- Hades is one of the worst levels in any game, ever
- Violence, sex, and nudity can be a bit much and feel tactless
- Not a whole lot of depth to the combat or systems involved
- A distinct lack of boss fights (only two in the entire game)
- This birthed the quick-time event craze that is ruining game design

Meet Kratos. He's not a nice person.

The Long

I have a long-running affinity for Greek mythology. As a child I poured through book after book of these myths, reading The Iliad and The Odyssey long before I probably should have been able to. I always felt it was a fantastic setting to mine for movies or video games: you have the pettyness of the gods, the variety of monsters and myths, and a fantastic roster of heroes and villains.

Then God of War happened, and man did it floor me. 

God of War is an action adventure game set in the world of Greek myths. The gods are very much real, minotaurs, cyclopses, and all sorts of other nasties are out there to mess stuff up, and heroes are made and broken on a regular basis. And in this setting we toss a new myth, one of bloody violence and revenge. 

I'll not pretend this game isn't well known: after it's release it became a staple in Sony's coveted first-party franchises, earning loads of awards and spawning a whole host of sequels. So, years later, how well does this game hold up when compared to other third-person action games, including it's own sequels? Read on.

This game is rated "M," by the way. In case you missed that. 

Kratos is not a happy man. Slave to the gods of Olympus for an unknown reason, the game starts with him throwing himself off a cliff to commit suicide. Flash back three weeks, where he has been tasked by Athena to do one final favor. That favor? Kill a god. Ares, in particular, the titular god of war, who is ransacking Athens and it's pissing Athena and the other gods offs. Sworn to not intervene (something that is quickly forgotten in the sequels, but we'll address that when we come to it), they require a mortal to stop Ares' reign of terror. And thus Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta, is tasked to find Pandora's Box, the only weapon that can kill a god, and use it to defeat Ares.

Let's get one thing straight: Kratos is an awful person. People use the word "antihero," but usually that implies some subtlety. There is very little to like about Kratos as a person, at least on first glance. He is brutal, cruel, and only thinks about himself. When he kills enemies, its in the most painful, bloody way possible. He roars and yells and revels in the slaughter. He's a grade-a douchebag.

Pictured: Grade-a douchebag

And, weirdly enough, I kind of grew to be sympathetic for the guy. Firstly because he's competent (and has two swords chained to his wrists that he uses to slice-n-dice anything that gets in his way), and second because you realize throughout the story the awful mistake he's made. I felt that all his brutality was trying to cover up the one big mistake he made, the one that will be spoiled in later reviews because it becomes pretty much his only character backstory. 

Regardless, I liked the Kratos of God of War. I felt bad for him, both because of what he did and because he was trapped in a cycle of violence I felt he couldn't break free from. One thing I will point out is that this game ends very neatly, with everything tying up. They then completely ruin that because they made a God of War 2, so looking back this ending is really...it doesn't make sense. I guess they figured they weren't going to make sequels.

That doesn't stop this game from being any less epic, though. 

Kratos' quest to recover Pandora's Box and use it to kill Ares is one wrapped in the trappings of a third-person action game. The game gives you the false illusion of exploration when really it is a very linear experience: the game funnels you through the right places in Pandora's Castle until you reach the end, with very little room for deviation. However, it does it so well you are tricked in thinking that you are actually exploring of your own free will, so I'll say it works.

I'll say this: the pacing is God of War is probably one of the biggest things that makes it so appealing. With the exception of two stages (the Desert of Lost Souls [which is thankfully short] and Hades [which is not]), the game keeps sending you forward, tossing new things at you frequently. Just when you get tired of combat, the game throws a new enemy or weapon at you. Just when you get tired of that, you have a puzzle room. Just when you are bored with puzzles, a new batch of enemies shows up to test your mettle. All this wrapped in some gorgeous setpieces, incredible graphics, and dripping with a Greek Mythos flare. It's a very complete package.

This is a very good looking PS2 game. 

Of course, the main part of an "action-adventure" game is the "action" part, and here God of War delivers in spades. Kratos is armed with two blades which, as previously mentioned, are seared to his arms with chains. This means he has a very long range as he can toss the swords and swing them about, and this makes you feel very empowered when fighting hordes of enemies. Combos are quick, easy to learn, and snappy, but probably the best feature is the ability to break them. During any combo you can roll or block out of it at a moment's notice, meaning if you are quick you can land hits fast will still dodging. Removing any delay from that was a brilliant move, because I never felt frustrated with the controls. When I got hit, it was my own fault (most of the time), and I'd own up to it.

The simplicity of the combat is also a bit of its downfall: God of War never even gets close to the technical level of difficulty as such contemporaries as Devil May Cry 3. It's meant to be played fast and loose, which makes for a very accessible and rewarding game, but also one that isn't particularly challenging. Even on the hardest difficulty the game feels more cheap than skill-based, with the mechanics breaking down a bit as the difficulty ramps up. It's ideally played on Normal or Hard, with the ultimate difficulty left forgotten. 

I should also point out that this is the game that (between it and Resident Evil 4) introduced the concept of "quick-time events" to the gaming industry. I've already gone off about them in my Ninja Blade review, but let's just say that, while they are overused now, at the time they were a unique idea. Using a combo of button presses to do awesome finishers isn't a bad idea, and it adds flare to some boss fights as well as a risk/reward for doing finishers. I've actually never minded it in this series (perhaps because it started it), but it must be noted that this game was the start of that awful trend. 

You've got red on you. 

When you are murdering an extremely wide variety of enemies (and some of these enemies are huge, let me tell you!), you are participating in some basic puzzle solving, exploration, and platforming. Puzzles are hardly brainteasers, with most being just as linear to the solution as the game is in general, but they still feel rewarding and do well to not outstay their welcome. The same can't be said for the platforming however, especially during a rather radical shift at the end of the game. The platforming is reasonably fine up until the final stage, Hades, where it shifts from a combat-heavy puzzler to a game where you jump on spinning, bladed logs over instant-death pits. Then you have to climb a super tall bladed tower with poor climbing controls and one hit knocking you all the way back down.

This Hades sequence is one of the worst things I've ever played, and it isn't any less frustrating today. After enjoying the platforming, puzzle solving, and exploration, they try to use systems clearly not intended for precision to do some very difficult jumps. It's punishing, aggravating, and left quite a sour taste in my mouth. The same goes for the final boss, who is a literal war of attrition and doesn't use any of the combos or abilities you learned throughout the game. Bad form here, guys. Oh, and the desert where you wander about trying to find a specific enemy you can only find based on sound, so I really hope you have a stereo TV. The first time I played this game I didn't, so you can imagine how well that went. 

I guess it's hell for a reason. 

There's one thing I'd also like to point out before I talk about the visuals and sound: God of War revels in its M rating, probably more so than any other game I can think of. As stated, Kratos is absolutely brutal. He doesn't just behead stuff, he kicks Medusas to the ground and (as you twist on the analog stick), twists their heads from their shoulders. He rips people in half, tearing off arms and limbs in brutal finishers. He murders innocents for health or to just solve puzzles, all while everything spouts tons of blood everywhere. It's...gratuitous, to say the very least. Honestly, it doesn't bother me that much (even if that makes me sound like a psychopath), but it needs to be mentioned.

The same goes for the gratuitous nudity. I don't mind monster topelessness (it's Medusas and Sirens, I kind of expected it), but I swear every female character in this game needs to buy a shirt (or get one that isn't see-through). This game also was the start of the infamous "sex minigame," a comical and (frankly) stupid series of button presses that is all off camera and mostly just serves to earn you free xp. That, unfortunately, became a series staple, and the nudity only became more prevalent in later games. It's very clear who the audience for this game is, so if you are one easily offended you should look away. 

Let's just say there's no black bars in the actual game. 

Graphically, God of War looks absolutely fantastic, even today. Replaying it I am still amazed at the amount of detail put into every texture, environment, and effects. The lighting is also exceptional, but the highlight has to be the effects and animations. Each brutal dismemberment animates fantastically, and monsters move with tons of tiny little details. It really shines.

That being said, the smaller sprite models do look a little dated, especially when compared with the rest of the series. Kratos' arms are a little polygonal, as are the smaller enemies. Big enemies, however, look downright fantastic, filling the screen with one or two at a time, lumbering about and just looking straight up great. Again, even today this game looks next-gen. 

Sound is also incredible, with fantastic voice work from the entire cast and a decent script to back it up. The music, however, is really something else. Booming orchestral numbers are memorable, powerful, and downright epic. It's one of the few games that isn't made by Square-Enix that I got the soundtrack to, and it's tunes are catchy and pound themselves into your brain.

Quite booming.

So what made God of War such a rousing success? I'd say because it did a lot of the little things right. The game is a graphical wonder, made better by sticking to a theme and embracing its on version of greek myths and monsters. The soundtrack and voice acting are of exceptional quality, really driving home a "Hollywood" experience. The combat is visceral and extremely satisfying while still being accessible enough for anybody to jump in and feel like a badass. While it still has some very glaring flaws (mostly in the level design side), the game's parts are just so well polished the sum is really something you can't ignore. It was released the same year as Resident Evil 4, another game that I felt did all the little things right, and both it and that game were fantastic end-games for their console's lifespans. 

It might not be the deepest game in terms of combat or story, and it might be gratuitous and pandering in the violence and sex department, and Kratos might be the worst human being alive, but there's no denying that God of War is an incredibly satisfying and addicting experience. For all it's flaws (most of which were refined in the sequels), it is still a must play game to this day. 

Just remember, it was Euripides who said, "Whom the gods would destroy, they must first make mad." I'd say Kratos has that, and in spades. 

Four out of five stars. 

This is the first boss. You fight him about two minutes into the game. 

Super Mario Land

The Short

Pros
- Mario in portable form in his weirdest adventure to date
- Jump across Egypt, fly through the skies, dive in the ocean, and...go to Easter Island?
- Music is absurdly catchy
- Good balance and has an unlockable hard mode upon beating it
- Graphics are minimalist but do well working with the original Game Boy's contrast scheme
- Checkpoints are liberal and levels are long

Cons
- First run is too easy. I finished with 20+ lives
- Momentum and physics are completely different from other Mario games (read: nonexistent)
- Short; only 12 levels total
- Nothing in this game ever made it into future Mario games

Let's get to Mario's Land. That isn't Mushroom Kingdom. 

The Long

Call me strange, but I have a bizarre affinity for game sequels that completely branch off from the originals. Super Mario 2, Zelda 2, Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest, and arguably spinoff games like Kirby's Epic Yarn and Pokemon Snap are some of my favorite experiences. One could argue that franchies (especially Nintendo franchises) tend to get caught in their own cycle of familiarity, which is why we end up with six "New" Super Mario Bros games every year when really there's nothing "new" about them. 

But back before Mario competed in the olympics, golfed, and went into space and battled with weird gravity, Nintendo threw him out on their insanely popular handheld: the original Game Boy. Spurned forward with the release of Tetris, Nintendo knew it was time to move their most popular franchise on over. The result? Super Mario Land, which is arguably the weirdest Mario game to date, and that's counting Mario 2. 

Easter Island heads? Cannons from pipes? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

It's worth pointing out that this is the first Mario game not made by Shigeru Miyamoto. Even Doki Doki Panic, which Mario 2 was based off of, was originally created with Miyamoto at the helm. Instead Gunpei Yokoi was the head of this one, the father of the Game Boy. Yokoi's pedigree is no less great: he helped Miyamoto on almost all big Nintendo franchise, and was at the head of Metroid, Kid Icarus, Tetris Attack, and Fire Emblem. However, it's pretty clear that his vision for Mario was a bit different that Miyamoto's based on how different (and awesome) Super Mario Land is.

Super Mario Land, despite all I've said about it, still plays on it's most basic level like a Mario game. You'll be running, jumping, and stomping on enemies. You'll be hitting blocks with your head to get coins and powerups, slide down pipes for secrets, and jump over bosses at the end of stages. However, from the second you pick up Super Mario Land you know this game is going to be different, and not just graphically.

It sure looks like Mario to me...

The physics and momentum in this game are...weird. It feels more akin to Kid Icarus than Mario. A big thing about Mario games is the momentum: get going and it takes a second to stop, fall and you hav ea few seconds before gravity really kicks in. Super Mario Land isn't like that at all. You don't really gain speed when you hit the run button, you just barrel forward. You also can stop on a dime pretty easily. Fall off something and Mario plummets like a rock, and his mid-air control (which is usually just a tad floaty in the other games) is very responsive, perhaps overly so. Now, I'm not saying these controls are bad, far from it. But I am saying they feel quite different. A bit more...jerky, might be the term.

Aside from the weird controls, the game itself is strange, and I love it for it. Set in not the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario is off across such landscapes as Easter Island, an ancient Egyptian Tomb, underwater in a sub shooting Gradius style, and soaring through the air in a plane. I think this is the only Mario game to date where he gets in vehicles (aside from Mario Kart, of course), and the mix-up is actually greatly appreciated. Side-scrolling shooters in my Mario game? Sure, why not? It's awesome and they control great, so we'll take it!

What's the story, fishbone?

That, honestly, is my real opinion of this game: it's cooky, totally different, and I love it for it. A lot of people actually hate this game because it is so different from every other Mario game. Weirdly enough, these are also the people who, in the same breath, tend to complain about the Mario games stagnating. Um...

Anyway, even the power-ups and enemies aren't the same. Power-ups are similar: mushrooms (that look more like cupcakes) and fire-flowers, but they don't give you fireballs. Instead you get...Super Balls, which will bounce and fly up into the air before disappearing  O...k? Gravity, anybody? But they collect coins too, which is pretty neat. 

Enemies are also completely different. The Goomba-like guy is the only one who's familiar. The Koopas have replaced their shells with volatile C4; jump on them and a few seconds they'll detonate for a damaging explosion. There's also floaty Easter Island head, running Easter Island heads (these guys are terrifying), giant bugs, deadly fish, a cloud that's straight out of a Kirby game, and an alien. Yes, the final boss is an alien in a spaceship. Because why not?

There's a hefty amount of secrets in this game. By "hefty" I mean "actually not a whole lot."

As stated, while the controls are different they are certainly serviceable once you get used to them, and you'll need to. Super Mario Land can get pretty tricky, especially later cave levels with those dang spiders that show up all over the place and jump. Despite that, you'll probably never actually die or get frustrated, as the game liberally checkpoints and also throws tons of extra lives at you. With a little skill you can pick up 1-3 at the end of every stage, not counting those acquired by coins or finding them throughout the levels. So the actual jumping and dodging can get tricky, but it never gets frustrating because you have a lot of lives to burn through. Hey, I'll totally take that.

What is unfortunate is the length. Much like Kirby's Adventure, Super Mario Land's greatest weakness is that it's far too short. There's only four worlds with three levels each and, despite the levels being a bit longer than most Mario levels, the game can be beaten in around half and hour to forty-five minutes. After beating it you unlock a "Hard" run, which is basically the same game but with five times as many exploding Koopas, so that's a treat for those who want it. 

To be honest, while I'm sad the game is short, it's about a perfect length for a portable game. As a kid this game worked great on car trips, because you could beat the whole thing once or twice for what was usually the length of a usual ride. Plus, if you get there and you have to switch the game off, it's a short enough game that replaying levels isn't painful. Maybe this is a weak argument defending what is clearly a too-short game, but I think it works for the platform it's on.

What's inside pipe number 3? ...probably another killer plant. 

Graphically, Super Mario Land is a bit...weak. While I like the weird art style, nothing particularly stands out. A rather big oversight is that Mario looks exactly the same whether he's just big or has picked up Super Ball (an issue fixed in Mario Land 2 by adding a graphical change), which is probably because of the Game Boy's color limitations.

Speaking of which, the minimalistic graphics actually work quite well to accompany the original Game Boy's awful contrast. Since backgrounds are pretty much solid white with some very light colored detail, it's very easy to see objects in the foreground. I booted it up on my brick Game Boy and it is still totally visible, much more so than almost any other games. Like the Pokemon games, the lack of detail actually worked in the system's favor. 

Yeah, this game has ninjas in it. Sure. 

Super Mario Land is one of my favorite Game Boy games, even though I'll admit I like it's sequel (Six Golden Coins) a fair bit better. It's a fun game to boot up for quick runs, and the catchy music and quick gameplay make it easy to pick up, play, and then quit without feeling obligated. The sequels cut back on the oddness, which is both good and bad, but the original still holds a special place in my gaming nostalgia. Nintendo will probably never take as much of a risk with its main man ever again, and as such I'm grateful that Super Mario Land exists as a reminder that we didn't always recycle the same Mario formula over and over again.

That and picking up coins that spell "Mario" in a sub is just too fantastic to downplay. If only it were longer...and had actual momentum. Four out of five stars. 

Now listen to some good Game Boy tunes. 

X-Blades

The Short

Pros
- Game isn't completely broken
- Auto-maps to an Xbox 360 controller on the PC, which is nice
- Game is playable, if mashing X over and over can be counted as "playing"
- I got it essentially for free in an indie bundle somehow
- The background/world graphics are actually somewhat inspired at times
- Eventually it ends


Cons
- Graphically dated, even on max specs on PC
- Main character's design is an absolute joke
- Gameplay is extremely repetitive and dull
- Upgrades are lifeless and tedious
- No real dodge/block button
- Enemies don't react at all when you deal damage / no hit feedback
- Bosses take far too long to take down
- Some reviewers actually gave it decent scores, which tricked people into wasting their money

Meet Ayumi. Truly a woman for the modern age. 

The Long

If you are going into game design, you should pick up X-Blades. Nobody else in the entire world should even give this game a second glance, but if you are someone who likes to study games (particularly the third-person action genre variety, such as Bayonetta or God of War), then you really must play X-Blades. Not because the game is good, heavens no! But because X-Blade is the literal embodiment of everything that can be done wrong in the genre. I'm dead serious here.

I'm extremely temped to forego an actual review (or my regular formula at least) and just list down every example of how X-Blades flubs it each and every step of the way, but hopefully I'll make it to the end without getting too sidetracked. 

But seriously...are you seeing this outfit? Someone green-lighted this? Not only that, they touted it as a feature on both the box and development videos? Sorry...already getting off track here.

This game looks like ass. In both a figurative and a *cough* literal sense. 

X-Blades is the "story" of Ayumi, treasure hunter lady. I put "story" in quotes because I skipped most of it after hearing the first line to come out of her mouth. Essentially she's looking for treasure, slices up enemies, yada yada. Every instance where she spoke made me want to smash my head into a door over and over again until I went busting through like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, so we'll just leave it as "unimportant" and "bad."

Aw man, I'm already just wanting to list off all the mistakes this game makes. Screw it, we're doing that instead. Not like anybody wants to read reviews of bad games that try to mask their opinions, anyway.

In this shot, she has 67,700 souls. Why the huge space instead of a comma? I dunno, ask the bad UI designers?

So I'm a massive fan of this genre, as in massive. I've played truckloads of action games over the years, with the 3D fighting types being an absolute favorite. Devil May Cry, Bayonetta, God of War; the works. As you play through these games you start to notice some reoccurring trends, common errors if you would. Usually most games iron these out by later installments, or they only do one or two so it's forgivable.

X-Blades does all of them. Really. 

So let's just make a list here, shall we? Here's hoping I can actually remember them all, because I sure am not going back to play the game again just to remember.

Luckily, I have a lot of screenshots. 

- Infinitely Spawning Enemies - 

aka "The 'Matt Hazard' Issue"

There's nothing more frustrating then to feel like you aren't making progress in an action game. Usually you can gauge your progress as you progress forward and murder everything in your path, watching the numbers dwindle. In games where they make every kill a chore, you want to feel satisfied when you clear out a room. You don't want to feel like you are swimming against the tide.

X-Blades does this, and in spades. Nearly every level has an enemy whose sole job is to spawn truckloads more enemies. Sometimes there's a dozen of these guys, just popping out flying ghosts like there's no tomorrow! Some can't be killed until all the enemies are killed! Every boss in the game will spawn an infinite number of enemies until taken down. It's tedium at its finest!

While perhaps every once in a while its forgivable, doing it nearly every level is unbelievable. How lazy do you have to be? "Hey, just throw a few spawners in and we'll call it a level. Done!" This is Bad Design 101, and we are just getting started.

Lightning...go?

- Bosses with way too much life - 

aka "The 'No More Heroes' Issue"

This seems to be a Japanese game thing, but it happens in western games too. You get to a boss, and it seems like you are doing no damage to him at all. So what should be a challenging, engaging five minute battle ends up being ten minutes of frustrating tedium. Like the final bosses of Conan or Viking. The best part is, in most of these situations they won't even have the courtesy to grant you a checkpoint. So if you die, you go all the way back to the beginning, thirty minutes back. It's frustrating, obnoxious, and an amateur mistake. X-Blades does it not just with the bosses, but with every freaking enemy...you know what? Let's give it it's own bold thingy here.

- EVERYTHING has way too much life (including you) - 

aka "The 'Ninja Gaiden 1' Issue"

Everything takes forever to kill. Everything. Even when using the elemental weaknesses against them, it still takes too long. Even after upgrading your weapons (which I swear does nothing), most everything takes about twice as long as it should to go down. To add insult to injury, they hardly do any damage to your massive health bar, either, so it becomes an incredibly dull war of attrition. It's worse on the bosses, but having the regular enemies do it is just...it's bad. 

Hope you brought popcorn. I'm not stopping. 

- Gating your path until you kill every last enemy -

- The "'Way too many action games do this' issue"

Man I hate this, and it's always so contrived. "An invisible door appears! You can't continue until you kill every enemy in the area!"

I can understand how this can work, and honestly it's kind of a staple of the genre. Devil May Cry, Bayonetta, and God of War all do it frequently and I love those games. What makes X-Blades so much worse is the previously mentioned year and a half it takes to kill anything, and the fact that if even one tiny, hidden enemy remains (because some of them don't even seek you out; they just sort of hide) you are gated from continuing. What an awful mess. Not only that, after you clear the path, it doesn't even give you a camera pan to show where to go. You just run around hoping to find the exit eventually. Great. 

- Putting bad platforming in an action game -

- The "'Seriously, stop tacking this crap on if your system isn't designed for it' issue"

Another common issue, but it's way worse in X-Blades, mostly because the double jump only works when it wants to. I'm not kidding; I never found a way to reliably do it. Everybody loooooovvvesss having to do platforming in games that up until that point have been about action, right? That's why climbing the Hades spires in God of War is the best thing ever? Oh wait, no, it was the worst part in an otherwise highly decent game. Because nobody wants to endure bad jumping mixed with bad camera with gameplay controls clearly designed for combat in mind. 

X-Blades, with its awful jumping, takes this to a whole new level. Not only are the parts short and completely frustrating and unnecessary, but the only way to do any sort of sprint is to double tap the analog stick forward and press jump. Seriously, have you tried double tapping an analog stick in a 3D game with any reliability? It just doesn't work. And, in this game's case, resultes in a lot of cheap deaths.

I really despise this game. 

- No hit feedback. At all. -

The "'Nobody makes this mistake anymore' issue"

This is a big one. A real big one. I'd even say that, even with all the other issues before (and forthcoming) I'm listing, this one hurts me the most. There is no feedback in this game, none. Sure some of the smaller enemies sort of think about flinching when you hit them, but big enemies and bosses? They don't even react. Unless you use magic specific to knocking people over (like Earthquake), you can flail about like a crazy person and not know if your hits are even registering. Despite sometimes popping off bits of blood (or gore or...something. I honestly don't know what it is), enemies never flinch, change attack patterns, or recognize you've hit them. And considering how bad the clipping is in this game (it's bad. I can walk through most bosses without taking damage or issue whatsoever), you might never know. Considering how slow boss health meters drop (as mentioned before) you could fail about for a good chunk of time before realizing you are doing no damage. Considering some enemies have actual immunity to specific weapons like...I dunno, regular slashing, knowing that you were doing no damage would be a nice thing.

Added bonus is even your hit animation is weirdly unexaggerated. Don't worry: they make sure you can't do anything for a good several seconds before it resolves, but it looks more like she's just standing there rather than attacking. That's not frustrating at all in the middle of a big fight, to suddenly stop moving and not know why. 

I'm never gonna stop. 

- Not designing levels that flow together or work with your basic gameplay mechanics -

The "Wait, what game am I making here?" issue

X-Blades is split into a large number of very small chapters that have no mid-chapter checkpoints. 90% of these consist of a single area screen where enemies will spawn forever for a good chunk of time until you kill every single one of them and the exit to the next spot appears. Then you go into another single room "level," fight everything, and proceed. Some of these require jumping, and the game scores you after every single room.

The problem is that, with the controls, nothing seems to be designed around how the fighting is set up. You only have a basic attack and a ranged attack, and then a handful of powerups. Enemies seem to be made completely at random and the stages do not encourage any exploration or sense of wonder. One stage (I kid you not about this) was me standing in a room while spikes appeared on the floor and I dodged them by walking around the room slowly. After completing an entire set of spike patterns the pattern reset. I began to wonder if there was something else I was supposed to do, as it had been around ten minutes of me walking around a tiny room dodging spikes that did no damage. Turns out, nope! About halfway through the second cycle a cutscene triggered and I moved on. What was the freaking point of that?

- A combat system that only uses a single button -

The "Enslaved" Issue

As if this game hasn't sold you on tedium yet, what if I told you there's only one attack button? No light and heavy, no variety, one melee attack. Yeah, you have a gun attack, but considering how many enemies are melee you'll mostly just be pressing X over and over.

There are a few magic abilities in the game, which you can map to all the rest of the buttons, but most require either "Rage" or are completely useless. So you'll pretty much be pressing X. Over and over. Forever. 

Demon eyes!

- Having useless powerups that are either too cheap, too expensive, or impossible to find -

The "Devil May Cry" Issue

Upgrades in this game are a complete joke. First off there are the ones you can buy, your magic. The magic itself is a buy once, get it forever deal. It never really upgrades (though buying one kind unlocks more, though it never tells you this even remotely. Would a tree kill you?). 

The prices for these upgrades make no sense. Some are 150 souls. Some are 30,000. Both popping up shortly after starting the game. Which is better? Which does more damage? What's the difference between Fire and Lightning Blades, besides 15,000 souls? What do these moves do? Are there more combos or anything I can do with them? X-Blades tells nothing. 

But in order to actually upgrade damage you have to find secret items in the environment, which are usually hidden within inanimate objects like pots or statues. Huge surprise coming: statues take something like 10-20 hits to destroy. Seriously. And sometimes pots don't break because (as mentioned) the clipping and collision detection in this game is awful. So you'll probably miss a bunch of upgrades along the way.

Not that any matter, since there's perhaps three spells you should get (Fire Swords...uh...and Fire Swords) that are useful. The rest are absolute garbage, especially the ranged "Magic" you learn at the beginning. It does nothing. 

A bad game walks into a bar and asks, "Why do I exist?" And the bartender trades it in an Gamestop. 

- Having Auto-targeting that doesn't work -

The "Games that don't have manuel targeting" issue

This one is especially worse since a good portion of this game is ranged attack, and she can only hit something if she's targeting it.

There is no manual targeting in this game. At all. Everything is done automatically. And I say "is done" very loosely here, because the game seems to randomly choose who to target based on it's current daily horoscope mixed with whatever it read in its tea leaves this morning. I have no idea the reasoning behind the targeting here. I've tried to manually figure it out by messing with the camera, but the only thing it does consistently is avoid targeting bosses for useless enemies or just nothing in the environment. Guess it has that down, at least.

- Being so misogynistic that even males cringe at your character design.-

The "Japan" Issue

I think I should start this off with a picture, which probably isn't safe for work. Not that any of these screenshots have been.

Nothin wrong here. 

Let's go over Ayumi's clothes (or lack thereof). She wears a skimpy bikini top with a g-string on bottom, thigh armor sort of covering part of her butt but not really. Now let me point out that this is a 3D action game, so you spend most of the time behind the character. And also mention that in game her thong is low enough to see the top of her ass-crack as her butt jiggles about.

What the hell is wrong with these people? 

Add in a hefty dose of boob-bounce and the fact she looks like a well-endowed twelve-year-old and the creep factor has hit amazing new levels. I remember reading interviews with the developers of this game who were absolutely obsessed with this character design. They plastered it across everything, bring it up in every interview and touting it as the best part of their game. Like...seriously?

I'm not one to open the can of worms regarding women in games because it's far too complex with both sides taking way too many pot shots. But I think we can all agree that this character design offends everybody, clean sweep. I was embarrassed the minute I loaded this game up.

 Just...dammit X-Blades!

I could keep going, but I think you've had enough.  

Added on top of this system is graphics and character models that look like they were made in the PS2 times. Some developers use cell shading to make absolutely beautiful games (Eternal Sonata, Wind Waker) while others use it to cover lazy graphics. X-Blades is among the latter. While I will admit some of the environments do look decent, usually they are coated in such a think layer of bloom and light that you can't see anything that's going on. This is funny, because the actual effects in battle and bland, don't really emit any light (just a sort of uniform light blob; no actual shadow effects here), and it all looks outright dull. Monster designs are hideous, have low poly count, and again look like something off the PS1. 

Music is also tedious. Going a Devil May Cry route with awful butt-rock mixed with songs that I swear were written for the sole purpose of being annoying, the background music was frustrating to say the least. But what is even more annoying is the voice acting, with every character spouting awful lines in what has to be the most obnoxious voices ever. 

So much for keeping this all short. 

As stated at the beginning, X-Blades is a great game to look at from a design perspective, especially in this day and age. It falls into every single trap action games have been trying to avoid over the past decade. Despite all this, the game is still technically playable, though I have no idea why you'd ever want to. Unless you have it for a means of study, absolutely avoid.

What makes me sadder is that some gaming outlets gave this thing reasonable scores (probably because it wasn't completely broken), which undoubtably tricked some people into buying it (or playing it, in my sad case). It even got a sequel! This is not a good game, not by any stretch of the imagination. If you are looking for an action game, look anywhere elsewhere.

NOT recommended. One out of five stars. 

Evil whats-her-face compels you. 

Missionforce: Cyberstorm

The Short

Pros
- Hexagonal, turn-based HERC/Mech combat game
- Heavy emphasis on power usage, weapons loadouts, and team balancing
- Incredible amount of depth, features, and abilities
- Tons of HERCs provide a solid balance
- Creating "Bioderm" pilots that you can alter, edit, and jack up is exciting
- Wide variety of mission structures
- Fantastic 256 color, Windows 95 graphics
- Bioderm death scenes are delightfully creepy

Cons
- Can be punishingly difficult, especially the first "boss mission"
- Death is permanent, so tread with caution
- Ore harvesting missions can be tedious
- Enemies get priority hits if you enter their LOS, but this ability was given to your team via patch
- As of writing this review, I have no way of getting this game to play on a modern machine. You'll have to pick up Windows 95 computer just to run it.

I might get a little rambley here. 

The Long

I. Love. Missionforce: Cyberstorm. No, seriously, this is one of those childhood-defining games of my youth, right up there with games like Lords of the Realm 2 and The Incredible Machine 2. My brother and I originally watched a trailer of this game (back when they put demos/trailers for games on other PC game discs) and knew we had to have it after burning through the extremely short demo. It was a fateful day when he found a copy of it, Rise and Rule of Ancient Empires, and Caesar II in a triple pack on super-clearance at CompUSA (totally dating this review since CompUSA still existed). I have fond memories of having to copy the whole game disc to our 486-66, Windows 3.1 computer (since it would only run on Windows 95 and thus not work on our outdated operating system unless tricked) and burning through the game for hours and hours. Not only that, we would recreate the HERCs from Cyberstorm out of Legos (our other childhood love) until we essentially recreated every HERC in the game. 

Yeah, we were a bit obsessive.

Anyway, self storytelling time is over, let's get on with the review. For many of you, you probably have no idea what Missionforce: Cyberstorm even is. Well, luckily for you, I'm here to tell ya. If you're a fan of old-school strategy games that ran in glorious 256 colors and had more depth than originally met the eye, I have a game for you!

Just looking at these shots is a nostalgia overload. 

Missionforce: Cyberstorm is set in Sierra's Earthsiege universe, which consisted of two Earthsiege games and a final installment: Starsiege. Essentially, those games were massive MechWarrior knockoffs only not quite as good, though they were graphically a bit better. Cyberstorm was a spinoff of sorts, where you took the classic HERCS (which are nothing like MECHS, or so says Sierra's copyright lawyers) and, instead of driving 'em, you commanded 'em. Simple enough, right?

Well...not really. Because buried under this game's "cheap spin-off" exterior is an insanely deep turn-based strategy experience, and one that I'd love to see somebody revisit to this day. So what exactly makes Cyberstorm tick?

The ground texture is hideous, but man...256 color glory. 

Cyberstorm pits you against the robot enemies known as the Cybrids, which want nothing more than to blow up humanity. Your task is twofold: assemble a HERC army (which includes outfitting them with weapon types, pilots, and power options) and then send them off to war. Let's run down both of these really fast.

Specing out your HERCs is awesome, mostly because of the variety of HERCs available and the number of weapon upgrades. There are three weapon types: energy, cannon, and missiles. While not a set rule, generally how they work is that energy weapons are great against shields but not armor, canons suck against shields but punch through armor, and missiles are a bit of both (but with crazy range). Each HERC has its own loadout that can't be changed (such as the all-cannon Giant or jack-of-all-trades Remora) in terms of weapon types, but you can upgrade and alter the specific weapons. For example, there are some energy weapons that are only good against shields (EMP weapons), while others that will ignore shields entirely but have awful accuracy. As your team grows and your options increase, you'll have to assemble a team that can work well together as well as fight solo if needs be.

Remember when games had flavor text and specs for everything? Good ol' days, man. 

In addition to maxing out your HERCs, you also have to train clone pilots called Bioderms to drive 'em around. Bioderms can be bought and trained, and each has an "age" (meaning a number of missions they can go on before they die or have to be recycled). Playing more unlocks special, one-only Bioderms as well as more cloning options, which adds a whole different layer to the game. Gotta make sure your dudes in the energy weapon HERCs are actually trained in energy weapons!

The specing is an absolute blast, and it's all based on a "credits" system. My only real irk is that the game just doesn't give you enough money to feel empowered. Often you are barely making enough back to pay for repairs, Bioderm detoxes, and small weapon upgrades. While there are tedious ore-mining missions that can net a lot of credits, it's a very slow progression. This is exacerbated by the sheer number of options: weapons, generators, shields, legs (for jumping/speed), arms, etc. There's just an absurd amount of upgrades here, and no set "best" one (which helps you develop your own style. Hit n' run, or heavy, slow tanks?). It's a slow burn.

 However, once you do assemble an awesome army of HERCs, it's an absolute joy to send them on the warpath, which I'll discuss next.

Poundin' through a turret's shields. 

Missionforce: Cyberstorm is played on a hexagonal grid based battlefield. There are terrain heights and depths (and types), all of which effect weapon accuracy, distance available to travel, and more. Another important factor is energy, essentially your power. You have two bars: an always-replenishing "active" energy bar (the only bar available for walking), and a "reserve" bar, which only refills if you have extra energy in the "active" bar (you can see it in the screenshot above in the bottom left: two red/green bars). Usually the reserve bar is used to fire energy weapons after a long walk, though if you run completely out of power you'll be in trouble. Energy management is important!

Once you find the enemy, wartime begins. Here's where another layer of strategy develops: shield placement, weapon use, and distance/accuracy. Shields (which are also hexagonal) can be adjusted to be moved forward or backwards, depending on the direction of the enemy. However, your enemies can do the same, and putting all your shields in front can make you a sitting duck if you are flanked. Once you (or the enemy) punches through shields you cause actual damage, which in your case can result in weapon damage, leg damage, or more. Getting your legs blown off while in the middle of a hot zone can have bad outcomes, especially since death/destruction is permanent. 

Things can get pretty crazy. 

There's more. You have to pick the order which your weapons fire (energy, missile, etc.) and accuracy based off your pilot, the distance, and the terrain. Again, I'm sort of just spouting off gameplay mechanics here which is probably stupid boring, but I just want to convey the level of depth Cyberstorm has. Seriously, it's absurd.

Anyway, it's turn based, where you go and then the Cybrids, which means you have to prepare for the worst in every situation. Some missions are defend-the-base variety, others destroy-the-base. Others task you to mine ore (which takes tons of power to do) while a few are just seek-and-destroy. There's a good mix and all are quite challenging, especially considering how difficult this game can get.

Adjusting shields. 

Missionforce: Cyberstorm is pretty hardcore. As stated, if your HERC goes down, you lose both the machine and the pilot: neither are salvageable. Luckily you can save anytime, but one bad save can ruin you. Because the enemies have sight-initiative (meaning they get to take pot-shots when you enter their line of vision), it's pretty essentially to install the patch that gives your units that as well (the original version doesn't. Talk about unfair!). Having your most expensive unit get flanked and rocked because his back wasn't shielded can hurt, and even if a HERC survives you still have to pay for repairs (or don't, and sent them to the next mission damaged). It's punishing, but luckily the game starts off easy enough that you get into the swing of things.

The exception being the first "boss" mission (of three) in the game. As the game locks you out of certain upgrades until after promotions, you can only have a set team for the first "assault the stronghold" mission of the game. I must have died dozens of times against this first boss because the game just doesn't allow you to equip with powerful enough gear. I had a full squad of the best HERCs at the time (Demons), fully upgraded, awesome Bioderms, and still got slaughtered. It's hard!

Regardless, combat is an intense, tactical blast. It's hard, punishing, and requires a lot of thought. Meaning it fits in well with other tactical style games of the era, such as Fallout and the old Civ games.

Train 'dem Bioderms

Graphically, this looks like a Windows 95 game, and I mean that in a good way. It's got the 256 color thing going on full force, but it also employs a little bit of early-age 3D for the ship models when upgrading and the Bioderm chambers. Because it was more stylized than polygon pushing, I still think this game looks quite fantastic. The textures of terrain on the battle maps does look pretty awful, but the HERCs themselves are decent and the enemies look imposing. Plus, wireframe models of stuff for damage reports is always cool. Yes. Always. Don't argue.

Music and sounds are fantastic. There honestly isn't too much music, but what there is is creepy and atmospheric. The laser fire and explosions are great, but the absolutely most horrific is the bioderm screams when they die. This accompanied by a terrifying animation of their faces melting off into skulls, and since one of the bioderms is a baby that means this is one of the few games where you can kill a baby by overdosing it on stimpaks. Kids to Adults, everybody!

Freaked me out as a kid, freaks me out now.

My biggest "issue" with this game is it's impossible to run on modern machines. Unless you can get a virtual machine up with Windows 95, 98, or (shudder) ME, there is no way to play this game. It won't install or run on a 64 bit architecture, and even then it conflicts with modern versions of Windows and often just straight up won't install. Hey, Good Ol Games? I have a job for you...

That and rather intense difficulty curve aside, Missionforce: Cyberstorm is an excellent tactical strategy game with incredible depth and tons of awesome, MECH...er...HERC blasting content. If you can find a way to get this game running, do. It'll suck up hours of your life and is absolutely worth every second. 

They don't make 'em like this anymore. Except I guess the new XCom. Now remake Cyberstorm, Fireaxis! Four out of five stars. 

And I thought car repairs were expensive...