Metroid Fusion

The Short


Pros
- Brought Metroid back to its 2D Exploration roots
- Did something clever and unique with the Metroid formula in terms of combat and weapons
- Fantastic music and atmosphere, the staple of Metroid games
- A large space station to explore that opens up quickly
- Beautiful graphics
- The first Metroid game to actually have a "story" that was told to you rather than you making your own

Cons
- The story was a bit overdrawn and presented through long text scrolls
- Game could be a bit more linear than Super Metroid
- With the exception of one or two bosses, the game is very easy
- Often considered the "black sheep" of the Metroid series (though I think it is)

New ship, new suit, new Samus. 

The Long

A weird confession: Metroid Fusion was the first Metroid game I ever beat. Growing up we never had any home game systems, and it wasn't until I was a teenager that I managed to convince my parents to let me get a Game Boy Advance. With it I bought two games: Super Mario World and Metroid Fusion. I'd played a bit of Super Metroid on emulators, but had never really experienced a Metroid game before.

It absolutely floored me.

Imagine, if you will, somebody who has never played a Metroid game. Who has no idea how the map thing works, the exploration, and the atmosphere. It might have been the first time you booted up Metroid or Super Metroid, how that felt. It's a crazy thing when you load up one of these games and are just completely blown away by the atmosphere and tension the game throws at you.

Anyway, Metroid Fusion was essentially one half of the rebirth of Metroid, being released just one day after the 3D Metroid game, Metroid Prime. Fans had been clamoring for a new game since Super Metroid, and despite a cameo in Super Smash Bros. and Super Smash Bros. Melee, Samus had been absent. So...does this new mission and new take on the series bring things back to form?

New Samus actually monologues, though I'm pretty sure it's mostly just in her head. 

Metroid Fusion marks the final game on the Metroid timeline, and with good reason. It starts with Samus (who now works for the Space Federation) getting infected by an alien parasitic virus known only as "X" while on a mission. She manages to survive only by using a vaccine created by the deceased baby Metroid from Super Metroid. In order to save her, her power-suit (of which parts were grafted to her body) had to be removed, giving her a completely new suit, a new look, and the idea she was probably super mangled under there due to the disease.

I loved this intro, and love it more now that I've played Super Metroid. Fusion does one thing very well: incorporating the bits of Metroid we know and love (like the plot elements from Super Metroid) whilst simultaneously stripping them away. It's letting you know "Hey, we know the old games, but we are doing something new and we aren't afraid of it." It's a good "reboot" to the series, and actually a pretty cool plot twist in the timeline of things.

This game does get a bit chatty though. 

In terms of story, however, not all are for the better. Throughout the game you (as Samus) converse through an AI construct sent to guide you on your mission as well as unlock various levels on a space station Samus was sent to investigate. While some parts of this dialogue are interesting (and a twist reveals a surprisingly personal bit of Samus' backstory), most are too long-winded for their own good. May fans complained because the AI basically tells you where to go, removing the whole "explore everything with no hints" element from Super Metroid.

While I can agree that the chatting is a bit long (and not particularly well written...and slow to scroll through) I don't think it destroys that exploration element of the gameplay. Usually it just gives you a general idea of where to go, and your actual route ends up being quite different. Situations change frequently, requiring you to go off the beaten path and explore in order to continue. While Samus monologing for hours on an elevator is aggravating, I do appreciate they at least tried to flesh her out as a character. They certainly did a damn better job that that atrocity Metroid: Other M.

The game is gorgeous, especially for an early GBA game.

Beneath that, you are looking at a fairly standard Metroid game, with a few twists. You still spend a good chunk of time exploring (despite the game nudging you to the right areas), seeing items you can't get until you have the right powerups, and killing a variety of space life. Despite the whole game taking place on a space station, it's split up into different sectors that have unique themes and keep it interesting. Perhaps one of the coolest parts is when you visit an area early one, and there are weird crawling caterpillars about. When you leave they've started to crystallize, and when you come back much later the husks are on the ground and these crazy hornet flying things are there instead. Revisiting areas after the X (or SA-X, a weird parasite Samus clone) have visited them is cool.

Exploration is limited, though, until really the very end of the game when you have enough powerups to go free-reign across all areas without restriction. But, to be honest, this has been true of Super Metroid as well, it just didn't wear it on its sleeve as obviously. Rather than tell you to go somewhere, Super Metroid just locked all the doors with power-up restrictions until you got them later. Yeah, it was less obvious, but the concept is still the same. 

That can't be good. 

So you spend most of the game exploring, finding powerups, using tricks to get to other powerups (though infinite bomb-jumping is gone, which sucks), and watching short text cutscenes. Like all Metroid games, Metroid Fusion has its share of awesome bosses, though Fusion seems to throw a boss at you before you can say "Power Suit." It's actually kind of like the Zelda games: if you get a power-up, expect to fight a boss who will require that power-up's use, sort of a trial-by-fire. At least, unlike Zelda, Fusion seems less blatant about it. 

There are a few other minor changes. Since Samus is infected with the Metroid vaccine, she now has a natural weakness to ice (what a cool touch), so you can't use the ice beam but now have ice missiles. Cold areas also hurt her much more than they did before, and she is susceptible to being frozen. She also looks completely different than in previous (and future) Metroid games, which I think is very cool. It's kind of crazy they took Samus out of retirement to so dramatically alter her appearance, but I think it was a move in the right direction and something the series needed (along with the 3D switch to Prime).

The music can't compare to Super Metroid, but it still is quite good. 

Of course, Metroid games are nothing without atmosphere, and Fusion fires on all cylinders here. Paired with the absolutely gorgeous pixel art is a sense of darkness and foreboding reminiscent of Super Metroid, in a good way. Areas are dark and creepy, some requiring Samus to turn on a light and only see a distance in front of her, and the X-mutated monsters are disgusting, creepy, and would fit right into a sci-fi horror movie. While it might be pushing its "look how creepy this game is!" a bit harder than most other games in the series, I think it works very well, and the X is a formidable and gross opponent. 

The music is also top notch, if among the weakest in the series (it's still better than Other M, though). But the weakest in a Metroid game is still leagues above others; it fits the atmosphere and adds to the creepy sense of dread. It could have been a little better, but for what it is we'll take it. 

The heat ripples are awesome. 

As it stands, Metroid Fusion is a fantastic game, despite being a bit chatty. It's a relatively quick run (probably due to its slightly more linear approach), and if you axed the cutscenes you could probably beat it in under an hour. My record was an hour and a half, blasting through all the text and missing most of the items. And while Metroid games scream "replay value," this one's overzealous story does tend to detract from that a bit.

All that aside, Metroid Fusion is still absolutely great, and if you haven't played it you should. While it can be tricky to find something to play GBA games on these days (you'll need either an original GBA, an original DS or DS Lite, or the GBA player on the Gamecube), the game HAS been re-released 3DS e-shop, so get on that!

As a 2D return to form, Metroid Fusion delivers. It's a crying shame that it's sequel, the 2D Metroid Dread slated for the DS, was scrapped. A real damn shame.

Four out of five stars. 

See you next mission.

ToeJam & Earl

The Short

Pros
- Unique blend of funk and roguelike
- A roguelike without most of the usual roguelike elements
- Funny items, powerups, and dialogue
- Soundtrack and characters are funky fresh
- Randomizing levels makes each game unique
- 2-3 hours a run make for a fun quick run
- Two-player co-op is done flawlessly

Cons
- Main character movement speed is just slow enough to be frustrating
- Randomized levels and items can royally screw you over
- Falling several floors can lead to serious frustration
- No save feature
- Graphics are good but not great
- XBLA release never happened

It's time to get funky.

The Long

If you haven't played it, you probably have no idea what ToeJam & Earl is. I know I had no idea, even when I saw it at the store and ended up buying it. I knew it was funky, and that it starred two rapping aliens (how many games can say that?), and that people loved it. Beyond that? You got me.

It wasn't until I booted the game up and played a few rounds both single player and co-op that I realized what ToeJam & Earl is: it's amazing.

Sinkin' in the custard

The plot is hardly worth mentioning. ToeJam (the red, multi-legged one) and Earl (the fat, starfish one with killer jams) are space rappers from the planet Funk-o-tron who were unfortunate enough to crash land on Earth. The pieces to their ship scattered, so now the space rapstars are off to recover the pieces and get back to Funk-o-tron.

It's nonsensical, but the game sells its style to a level only comparable to something like Earthworm Jim. The quips between Earl and ToeJam (assuming you are playing co-op) is hilarious and amusing and fits the theme ("Sup, Earl?", etc.). The items you pick up tend to be junk food (or just junk, like moldy bread) and are accompanied by a hip reaction. My favorite is the Root Beer, which makes your character burp non-stop for the next couple minutes (interrupting cutscene dialogue, even). It's goofy, stupid, and taken to exactly the right level to work.

Earl: Sleepin' on the job. 

I'm willing to bet by this point in the review, after looking at the screenshots, you still have no idea how you actually play this game. And that's fair; the screenshots don't really tell you anything. Essentially: ToeJam & Earl is a rogue-like. Yes, a rogue-like. Like The Binding of Isaac.

What makes it unique is how it strips away most of what would be considered staples of the rogue-like genre. You hardly ever kill enemies; usually your best (and only) option is to run. It isn't turn-based. While you do level up, it's expressed in the "titles" at the bottom of the screen ("ToeJam is a Wiener" being the equivalent to "Level One," and it moves up from there). Experience isn't gained by killing enemies but exploring squares on the overall map. It's a wild concept: an (essentially) combat-free rogue-like. And it works...quite well.

This game has some weird enemies. 

The main trick is presents. Scattered across the randomly generated maps (though you have the option to play through a non generated set) are presents which you can pick up and use. These can either help or hurt; you won't know until you actually use them. After you do you'll know for all future presents (unless you get the present that re-mixes up stuff so you don't know...the worst thing ever), so you can avoid crappy ones and stick to using the good ones. These range from weapons to health, but most are ones that help you better traverse the environment or escape enemies (like bounce shoes or wings).

Then you hit the staple of the rogue-like: the risk/reward. Exits are usually fairly easy to find (based on the random aspect, but still...). Do you bail and get up to the next level, or keep wandering in hopes that you'll find something good? The game will tell you on each floor if it has a spaceship piece (so you can't really miss them, thankfully) so is it worth going to grab stuff that might kill you? 

And that's the real hook: deciding whether or not to eat that unknown present, or just trash it. To continue adventuring on risk of death, or just move on. And it's a constant decision, and it's great.

Two funky dudes. 

I can't go further without mentioning the absolutely excellent co-op. The game uses a dynamic split screen feature as you and a friend are crusin' around as ToeJam and Earl. When you are close together, the screen merges and you both wander around (and any powerups used will be used on both, which gives you incentive to stay close). Split up and the screen will cut down the middle, each half focusing on each specific character until reunited. You can even be on different levels and the game will keep it up. Splitting up to explore the world makes this game a lot funner, and having to work together with power-ups only adds to that.

Despite all this, ToeJam & Earl has some rather annoying flaws. My biggest complaint would have to be the movement speed. While I enjoy the vibe of the game where I'm just relaxin', crusin' around with my homeboy Earl as we explore this weird earth, their movement speed is so slow it can be incredibly tedious to backtrack (or even move forward). You can get powerups that increase movement speed for a limited time, but they are still just swaggering around at the speed of slow. 

This only gets more aggravating with my next big issue: the random worlds sometimes screwing you. Now, I know this is a rogue-like, so sometimes you just get dealt a crappy hand. But considering this game is based on layers (which you can easily fall off the edge of, dropping you to the previous world where you have to walk back to the elevator), it is extremely frustrating when you drop onto an island, only to have to drop down again just for hope to get to an elevator. Once, due to one small mistake (or rather, an enemy grabbing me and throwing me off), I had to backtrack back up five levels. That's about the time I want to turn the game off, especially since ToeJam is blissfully under motivated in terms of walking speed. 

Screwed. Over. 

Graphically, ToeJam & Earl looks fine, but not particularly extravagant. I love the absolutely bizarre enemies: giant hamsters in balls, people dressed up as devils, an angry mom pushing a screaming kid around in a shopping cart, Santa, a mad scientist, and more. The worlds look good but "samey," with little variety throughout the quest to the stars. It's passable (and the vibrant colors are appealing, as is the funky font) but a bit underwhelming.

Music is absolutely jammin'. While I'm a bit sad there's a limited number of tracks, the songs are so catchy I can forgive it. Not to mention the best elevator music ever as you go up a level (that beat is sick, bro). The sound design is also great, with lots of voice work that sounds surprisingly clear on the Genesis. 

"Tomato Rain" might be the best named power-up ever. 

I will admit: I had no expectations when going into this game, and I was pleasantly surprised. ToeJam & Earl is a bit insubstantial single-player, true, but with a friend who is willing to chill out and just get funky in space elevators, ToeJam & Earl is a blast. It's a bit dated with its slow movement speed and minor issues, but ultimately it was ahead of its time and certainly worth checking out if you have any interest in rogue-likes.

A Genesis cart can be a bit pricy (between $20-$30), but they re-released this game on the Wii Virtual Console for a mere $8. This game was supposed to come out on Xbox Live Arcade in 2009, but apparently some copyright disagreements closed it out. Unfortunate. It's also too bad the sequel, Toejam and Earl in Panic on Funk-o-Tron ditched the rogue-like elements and made it a platformer, which doesn't have quite the charm (I already have quirky platformers, thanks). 

Still, worth a shot if you are into something wholly original and completely weird. Four out of five stars.

See you, space funksters. 

Excitebike

The Short


Pros
- Fun, challenging dirt-bike action
- Simple controls combine with unique tracks to keep the game fun
- Race with or without other cars
- "Programmable Series" meant you could make your own tracks to race on!

Cons
- No multiplayer
- Only five tracks
- US release didn't have a battery to save your custom tracks; they erase when you turn off the system

The precursor to the Trials games

The Long

Excitebike is another of the "black box" NES games, the collection that was part of the original launch of the NES in the United States. It was one of three games out of the release batch (which included games like Hogan's Alley and Golf) that was in the "Programmable" series, the others being Wrecking Crew and Mach Rider. As I've pointed out before, the NES release library in North America was really hit or miss, with some being fantastic games while others have aged quite poorly. Where does Excitebike lie on this spectrum?

Excitebike is (for the two people in the whole world who don't know) a motorcycle racing game with an emphasis on course-related obstacles. The goal is simple: beat the time to get in first place, while not crashing constantly on the tricky courses. You have four "lanes" to choose from, which can be used to dodge either stuff left on the course (rough patches, etc.) or other drivers. It's a simple idea but one that can prove to be very addicting as you strive to beat old high scores. 

Mash buttons if you crash to climb back to your bike faster. 

You essentially have only two options, and neither of them are "brake." You have the gas, which you'll have to let off of for tricky jumps, and a "boost," which will give you a blast of speed so long as you hold it down but will also raise the "Temp" gauge in the middle. Max out the Temp and you'll overheat, which isn't a good thing. Also, going too fast increases the risk of crashing, unless you have the skills to handle it.

Directional controls are also simple. Up and down changes lanes, which can be used to shift over to jumps or avoid other racers. Forward and backward are the meat of the game: they'll control how your biker leans and are necessary to master if you are going to land jumps. That, in a nutshell, is how you play Excitebike.

Poppin wheelies for fun and profit. 

There are three modes in Excitebike. The first is just racing against the clock with no other drivers. While it's nice to not be constantly ran off the road, this mode is a little dull. The second is the choice to race with other motorcycles. Contrary to what you might think, you aren't racing against them; it's still against the clock (kind of like how the other cars in Rad Racer only exist to get in your way). This ramps up the challenge as you try to avoid the racers while not eating it on the course, and is probably the best way to play the game.

The final option is where the "Programmable" comes from. The game comes with its own course editor, meaning you can create some pretty insane tracks. The editor is a bit archaic but is still functional, and I was able to make some pretty zany tracks for my guy to crash constantly on. 

The biggest problem with the editor is that the North American release of Excitebike, for whatever reason, doesn't have a battery/memory backup to save the tracks, meaning once you turn the system off they are gone forever. Luckily, in both the GBA and Virtual Console re-release the game will save tracks, though the GBA version only saves one track. 

This is not gonna end well. 

So the main question remains: is Excitebike still fun? Well...yes, actually. Even with only five courses and no multiplayer, Excitebike remains a blast to this day. While you could argue that games like Trials HD or Joe Danger are essentially the evolution of this game (and they are, with one focusing on extremely difficult physics challenges and another more stunt-based), Excitebike still holds up as being a lot of fun. It's unfortunate that the fun is limited to either five tracks or the time you are willing to spend making your own (and then have them disappear when you turn off the system, if you are playing on the original cart) but the game is still challenging and fun even if it doesn't save.

It also still looks quite good, with the clean interface making it very easy to see what you are up against. The sound effects are also extremely memorable, with the engine grumbling as you blast it forward being a highlight.

On your marks...

I'd recommend Excitebike to this day. While I wish the Virtual Console version had a way to make tracks and share them over the internet (and have a wider number of save options), the original is still a blast to play. It's just solid all around, with its biggest issue being that you will get bored of the five tracks. When that happens, pick up one of the previously mentioned "spiritual successors" to continue the fun.

Three out of five stars.

A winner is you. 

Earthworm Jim 2

The Short


Pros
- More zany, weird platforming from the guys at Shiny
- Did I say "platforming?" Add on isometric shooting, floating, and catching puppies
- Humor is back and better (and weirder) than ever
- The "snot grapple" adds some new platforming bits to the game

Cons
- Platforming controls as Jim can still be a little floaty
- Jim's idle animation looks...odd
- Some levels feel a bit unfair
- SNES version looks considerably worse than the Genesis version

Pig Slides. I think we're onto something here. 

The Long

As much as I love the first Earthworm Jim, I can't help but feel it was Shiny cutting their teeth on the whole "platforming" business. See, while Earthworm Jim was a good action-platformer that was essentially saved by its silly humor, Earthworm Jim 2 is where Shiny just went completely insane. While I guess I could still label it as a "platforming," Earthworm Jim 2 jumps genres and playstyles so frequently it's hard for me to really nail that down. 

But let's just get into it all, shall we?

It has an isometric shooting stage. 

Earthworm Jim 2 starts out normal enough...as normal as an Earthworm Jim game is, anyway. A "regular" platforming level where you blast your way through enemies, carry pigs and push them down slides, use pigs as weights to solve puzzles, and use snot to climb across the ceilings. You know, usual platforming stuff. 

Then you get to the first boss, who is a fish in a tank. Riveting. 

Hold on to your butts!

The next level begins to show the clever adjustments that Shiny has implemented in the game. Now you are in an ant farm, and you have to shoot dirt down from the ceiling to make ledges and passagesways to get out. It isn't a particularly difficult level, but after a "regular" level it's a bit weird.

Then you are bouncing purple puppies on a giant marshmallow to try and get them to a doghouse unharmed. Man, this game just got weird. 

I'm not kidding. Giant marshmallow. 

Things only get crazier from here. The next level Jim in inexplicably a blind cave salamander who can float/fly, and the stage is a mix between vertical platforming where you have to dodge the walls, a pinball machine, and a quiz show. Next to that is an isometric shooting stage where you have to push a bomb to the end of the level, and in the next you have to carry a cow through a difficult platforming stage. Next is a level where Jim blew his head up and is again another vertical segment, followed normal level where you fight through paperwork, and then Level "Ate," which is exactly what you think.

Pictured: Puns. 

For the ninth and final level you are running from a boss set to the third movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, and then you get the suitably weird ending. Seriously...that's, what, three normal levels? Four? Earthworm Jim 2 just keeps mixing things up when you least expect it. While the first was pretty much a straight platformer, Earthworm Jim 2 is far from it.

And I love the game because of it.

I wasn't kidding about the salamander thing, either. 

The random mix-ups in gameplay keep the game interesting and fresh, especially for a first-time player. Unlike Earthworm Jim, where the platforming suffered because of the floaty controls, since you are constantly switching gears the somewhat imprecise controls on each game type are more forgivable. I will admit the isometric shooting stage was by far the most aggravating (having to push a stupid bomb forward while dodging enemies is extremely obnoxious), but there are enough tricks that eventually you'll get it. While the game is completely disjointed by its schizophrenic, ADHD approach to game design, it somehow manages to work. And because of that it's a vastly superior game than its predecessor. 

Just floatin' along. 

Graphically, Earthworm Jim 2 looks just as good at its predecessor, complete with the absolutely incredible animations. The varying stages allow for different art styles and a bizarre mix of real images with the cartoony graphics which, like the game design, somehow meshes together well despite itself. The backgrounds look especially good, with some fantastic vistas that are gorgeous to look at.

Sounds design is also stellar, with all the incredibly weird sound effects fitting in with the insane visuals and gameplay. Voice clips are crisp (or crisper than other games at the time, at least) and add to the oddball presentation. 

And there are cows between each level. Why not. 

There really isn't any other game like Earthworm Jim 2, not even Earthworm Jim. Combining elements from tons of genres and then adding their own touch of weirdness to the mix, Shiny has created something wholly unique. While Earthworm Jim certainly did its own thing, it's Earthworm Jim 2 that I feel the series really found its identity. It's too bad it never really went anywhere after that (Earthworm Jim 3D is...yeah). 

This game is available on the Virtual Console and is absolutely worth picking up. Here's hoping that we'll see a true 2D followup to Earthworm Jim sometime in the near future. If there's any series I'd like to see revived, it would be this one.

Four out of five stars. 

A touching ending to our hero's tale. 

Golf

The Short


Pros
- NES US launch game, and thus the first golf game on the system
- Looks decent, with interesting "3D" ball effects while it's in the air
- The first golf game ever to incorporate a "power meter," which has become standard ever since
- Took all the best concepts from it and put them into NES Open Tournament Golf later
- Mario is in it

Cons
- Only eighteen holes
- No music. At all.
- Doesn't assist in picking clubs
- Boring
- Putting is extremely obnoxoius

Time for some regular-ass golf

The Long

When the NES first came out in the US, it had already been around in Japan for quite a while (as was standard practice with games up until recently). So to usher in the US release, Nintendo picked the "best" games it could come up with to put out with the system, the famous "Black Box" collection. Odds are you've played at least one of these games (Read: Super Mario Bros) and maybe a few others (like Hogan's Alley or Donkey Kong). But amongst this collection was also a hefty amount of mediocre games (like Gyromite or Gumshoe), and there seems to be a curse with "G" name games, because Golf is right smack dab in the "mediocre" section.

It's almost as boring as real golf! Ok, that was rude, I apologize. 

Let's get one thing out of the way first: I don't mind my sports games being "realistic" or "simple" or "accurate" or whatever. Hey, I love Kings of the Beach and it's pretty much just regular-ass volleyball. But if you are going to keep stuff basic, you really gotta make sure you still make it fun. Golf doesn't even try on this front: it's just a golf game, and that's it. So let's give a rundown, shall we?

You have three options from the menu: play by yourself, play with a friend on stroke scoring, or play a match with a friend. Honestly, I hate games where the "multiplayer" is taking turns (read: hotseat games), and this game is so bland I wouldn't want to torture any friend to play it with me. So I usually just play Golf by myself. And by "usually play" I mean "played twice so I could remember how boring the game was and write the review."

RIVETING.

Golf is an eighteen hole game, and that's it. Your goal is...wait, why the heck am I explaining how golf works? I'm going to assume everybody knows how the sport functions.

You can pick your direction and your club (though the game doesn't suggest one, so you'd better know that "1W" means "1 Wood" and is used for driving, not sandtraps) and wind comes into play. You then get the only real innovation Golf provided, but even I have to admit it's a pretty big one: the power swing. Press the button once to start an arrow moving. Press it again to set your power, and a third time (trying to catch it beneath the white bars) to see if you hook or slice. Before this, no golf games have not used a power meter (the good ones, anyway) and it only started to go away thanks to the advent of motion controls in Wii Sports (and later Kinect Sports Season 2. Ugh).

So it's got that going for it, but that's about it. That's the whole game. Wee.

Mario is in it, wearing normal clothes and having gained a few pounds. 

Even at this relatively solid base, Golf still isn't fun. Mostly because it just...isn't fun. Or exciting. Or interesting. Nearly everything counts as out of bounds. Oh, you thought the black area around the edge was out of bounds? Well, guess what, the trees are out of bounds too (probably because programming trees would be too hard). I swear a good chunk of my shots always went out of bounds, which is really obnoxious when you have only a tiny bit of green to aim for. The aiming is also imprecise and the putting...ok, I'll talk about that by itself in brief. 

Ugh, the putting in this game is where I just want to quit. 

So how it works is it pans into the putting green when you get there, and then the little arrows indicate the slope and what direction. Fair enough. The problem is there is no real way to gauge exactly what you need to do to best approach the hole. You get to pick the speed of your swing at least, but I am never certain how hard exactly to hit the stupid ball. 

Not to mention since I don't know how much to overcompensate for in slope, I tend to always miss. Again and again. I guess there really isn't that much to say except the putting is probably the most frustrating part of the game, right next to 90% of the screen being "out of bounds."

Avoid that sandtrap, fat golfer Mario

Graphically the game is...ok. You get a nice picture of golfing Mario on the left, and an overview of the hole on the right. It's basic stuff, but suitable for the NES. The real issue is there is no music at all in the game. Seriously, golf games are already boring enough already, and then you had to not include any music? Why on earth would you do that? It only exacerbates the whole "holy cow I'm going to fall asleep playing this game" thing!

All in all, there isn't much more to say about Golf. It did pave the way for future golf games with its innovative power meter, and there isn't really anything fundamentally broken with the game. It just is completely and utterly uninteresting and dull, and the limited number of holes doesn't help.

I have noticed, however, that people tend to confuse Golf with a later Nintendo released golf game, NES Open Tournament Golf. This is unfortunate because NES Open is actually a pretty awesome game, expanding on the reasonably solid groundwork Golf set in terms of gameplay and adding real Mario characters, a story, and just generally being better overall. To help with this confusion, I've provided this handy guide, seen below:

Buy the one on the right, NOT the one on the left. 

Golf was certainly groundbreaking, but that doesn't make it a good game, especially today. I suggest you swiftly ignore it if you see it on a store shelf, considering how many other NES golf games were made and how the vast majority of them were better than this one.

One out of five stars. 

And screw putting!

Kings of the Beach

The Short


Pros
- Excellent two on two volleyball game from Ultra, the guys who did Skate or Die
- Up to four players can play if you have a splitter, but it's a perfect two player co-op game
- Ability to bump, set, and spike keep the game simple enough to pick up quick, but complex enough to keep you playing
- Variable difficulty levels and options make the game very customizable
- Tons of awesome small touches (fighting with the ref, hitting people in the face with the ball, etc.)
- In game tutorials
- Good music and graphics

Cons
- Can take a bit to fully understand how to play
- If you play without a friend, the game is considerably less enjoyable
- If you play with a friend, he or she had better be good or else you'll easily get frustrated
- The box/cartridge art is hideous

You know it's professional; it says so right on the title screen.

The Long

Oh, Ultra Games. Some games you make are awesome. Some games you make are Ninja Turtles. But I will say this: you can make some pretty good sports games. Skate or Die is an excellent skating game before Tony Hawk came along and just took over everything. It's sequel/spiritual successor Ski or Die wasn't that bad, either. But out of all the games Ultra Games has made, my absolute favorite has to be Kings of the Beach, hands down. Get it, hands? Because in volleyball you use your hands...ok, I got nothin'.

Anyway, Kings of the Beach is a two-on-two volleyball game, of which there were a hefty amount on the NES (the other main one being Super Spike V-Ball). At it's core it's a pretty basic volleyball experience, but once you start playing this exceptionally volleyball simulator (did I just called it a "simulator?" This blog is really going downhill...) you'll find it hard to quit. Ever. Until you are the KING OF THE BEACH!

Ok, this has been the worst intro paragraphs for a review in a long time. Let's just get down to it.

Ah, in game advertising. Ultra games, Electronic Arts, and..."Cola." Alright.

Kings of the Beach is exactly what it says it is: a "Professional" Beach Volleyball game. It's basic stuff: serving, spiking, bumping, and setting. This isn't Mario Volleyball or anything here. There are no powerups, no crazy attacks, and no slo-mo balls catching on fire. It's just volleyball. That's it. 

And it's amazing.

If you've played Skate or Die (or Ski or Die), this layout for the main menu looks very familiar. 

Despite having a lot of options in the above menu, Kings of the Beach really only has two game modes: a single Match or a multi-stage Tournament competition. The three other options above ("Bump," "Set," and "Spike") are actually tutorials on how to play the game. They aren't particularly fleshed out, but they at least give you the basics of how to best approach the game (though I found turning the game on "easy" and just mashing your way through it until you figured it out works just as well). 

You can also change your settings at the registration tent, and oh boy are there a lot of 'em. From difficulty to multiplayer options, it's got you covered. One of the coolest things about this game is the fact that you can have four people playing at once, though I've never actually done that since I don't own a splitter. However, that doesn't really matter, because the absolute best way to play this game is co-op with a friend against the computer. Which I will now write the rest of my review as if you were playing the game that way, because playing by yourself is boring.

Excellent volleyball pickup line: "Would you like to be the queen of the beach?"

Co-op is where this game truly shines. As you really only have three options when playing (again: bump, set, and spike) you'll have to master all three in order to score (as well as learning to not serve horribly, which was a handicap that took us several games to overcome). Figuring up how to best set up your partner for a spike is tricky, but extremely rewarding when you pull it off. Failing to block a pass or bump a scoring point can cause friendships to be strained, but the game is so fast and matches so easy to burn through you can't stay mad for long. Plus, the game is so much fun you'll forget your partner totally sucks at the game and instead devise strategies for how to best beat those dang pink-shirted jerks.

The game controls well. Unlike Super Spike V-Ball, where it will show an indicator on the ground were the ball will land on your side, Kings of the Beach you have to rely on the shadow to catch the ball. If it's going to land near where your character already is, the game will "nudge" you in the right direction, meaning it's important to not stand next to your partner. It can be tricky to judge when the game is going to auto-move you and when you'll have to manually line up, but after a few games you'll have it figured out. The question is: will your partner?

He'd better, if he wants to keep his head. 

There really isn't much more to say about Kings of the Beach in terms of gameplay. If I made it sound extremely boring I apologize, because this game is a freaking blast with a friend. On multiple times (with multiple people) we've booted the game up, learned it together (or re-learned it, in my case) and played for well over an hour. There's a sense of elation the first time you actually line up a spike and score a point together, and that is only trumped when you win your first match. Then you think you are ready for the tournament, and get completely crushed, but together you know you can rise up and become the King of the Beach. 

Yes, this game is simple, but it is also incredibly well crafted. I think I've said enough...just know this game is fun. Certainly more fun than the volleyball mode in Kinect Sports, which is the most unrewarding and physically exhausting thing I've done in a video game in years.

Not pictured: me having to jump in front of my tv. Oh wait, it's not a stupid Kinect game, so I can just USE BUTTONS.

Graphically, Kings of the Beach doesn't have the visual punch it's competitor Super Spike does, but honestly I think it looks better. The animations are very fluid and everything is easily distinguishable. It also has a lot of nifty touches, from basic stuff like the ads and the giant inflated cola can, to guys kicking the sand in frustration when they just miss a pass and being able to spike a ball into a dude so hard he gets knocked over into the sand. Bonus when the computer players go up to the ref to fight over a point, only to get a red card. Ha! Suck it, pinkshirts! 

There is only one real song in the game, and I like it. I can't for the life of me remember what it sounds like when I'm not actually playing the game, but it's good background noise and completely inoffensive, so we'll take it. 

Tournament mode: taking all your hopes and dreams and punching them in the face. 

As it stands, Kings of the Beach might be my favorite sports game. As in ever. It's an extremely rewarding co-op experience, has perfect controls and excellent graphics, and a punishing difficulty curve that is still entirely manageable. As a learning experience with a friend it's an absolute hoot, and I could only imagine that playing four players competitive would be unbelievably rewarding. I need to get some NES splitters!

This is an extremely common and extremely cheap NES game (you're looking at $3-5), so if you have an NES and friends you absolutely must pick it up. Five out of five stars.

20+ years and oodles of technology later, and it still can't compete.