Dynowarz: The Destruction of Spondylus

The Short

Pros
- You can ride a dinosaur
- You can ride a dinosaur
- YOU CAN RIDE A DINOSAUR
- IN SPACE

Cons
- Sometimes you are not riding the dinosaur

AAAH YSSSSSS

The Long

"Something was terribly wrong in the distant man-made Spondylus Solar System. One by one the planet's central life support computers had been infected with a life threatening virus while the planet surfaces had been overrun with computerized dinosaurs known as Robosaurs. Under attack in his laboratory on Alpha Planet, Professor Proteus, the mastermind of the Spondylus System and the founder of the Robosaur project suddenly realized that this deadly sabotage could only be the work of his former partner, the deranged Dr. Brainius. 
Years earlier, the doctor had fled Alpha Planet after Professor Proteus had exposed him for performing forbidden robotic experiments on human subjects. At last, he has returned to seek his revenge using the Professor's own creations! But little did he realize that Proteus had been hard at work for the past few years perfecting the ultimate Robosaur, Cyborasaurus. 
There was only one hope to save the Spondylus System!"

That one hope? DINOSAURS. Or...Dynosaurs? Um...

Dynowarz is basically Blaster Master except replace the car Sophia with a giant killer T-Rex in space. There, review over.

Wait, no, there's more to say here, because that previous statement wasn't entirely factual. Yes, Dynowarz is split into two distinct parts: playing as a human with a gun in smaller, enclosed levels that require backtracking, and playing as a killer orange Dynosaur out to cause Space Dynosaur Extinction across the known galaxy. The difference here is that while Blaster Master is mostly about exploration, Dynowarz is a linear platforming game that does little to mix up the formula. Plus Blaster Master had those top-down shooter bits. Those were pretty good, actually. And rad music. Why am I not playing Blaster Master? 

Oh right, because Blaster Master is impossible. 

At any rate, Dynowarz, despite having the raddest name, cover art, and premise of any video game ever made, is really just a somewhat mediocre 2D beat-em-up. It's split into two sections (as mentioned previously): ones where you get out of the Dyno (usually to go inside a building), and one where you are driving the giant Dyno robot.

The sections where you are a person are fairly poor. You have a gun and you jump like you are on the moon, but the game is determined to make the platforming as difficult as possible by having tiny moving platforms as well as spikes everywhere to punish you for even the slightest screw-up. The first few aren't too difficult (actually, they all aren't that bad), but they come off as more stressful than actually fun.

It should also be pointed out that you usually get out of the Dyno to walk into buildings to destroy the Mother Brains inside of them which then destroy the buildings, when the Dyno is clearly bigger than the building and could probably just go Godzilla on its ass. Oh well, video game logic. I give the person segments a Not Dynosaur / 10.

This is boring. Go away. 

But the other half of the game involves the DYNOSAUR!!! (*sick guitar riff!!*) ON THE...MOON?! Or some sort of planet? Come to think of it, the title does say "The Destruction of Spondylus." Am I on Spondylus? Is this the wreckage of a former civilization? Maybe it's a crazy reversal, where I'm the last man alive, and only dynosaurs survived the apocalypse? Plz Namco-Bandai, release a reboot of Dynowarz with an intricate plot and cookie-cutter main characters to explain the massive backstory potential available with this series. I mean, if they can freaking reboot Strider and reboot Duck Tales and reboot Blaster Master and reboot Killer Instinct and reboot Mortal Kombat and reboot that one fighting game nobody knows about on the Xbox but is for some reason coming to Xbox One, then this is totally fair game!

Oh right, the DYNOSAUR part. It's a fairly linear 2d beat-em-up. You have to murder a whole variety of dynos, ranging from triceratops to stegosaurus to other t-rexes. The kind of weird thing is that your default attack is a really short-ranged punch, when I'm pretty sure T-Rexes were famous for having tiny, crappy front arms. It's like a cultural meme now. I have a pin with a T-Rex holding one of those grip extender things, with the text "I AM UNSTOPPABLE!" under it for the laughs. So clearly, we know T-Rex had garbage arms. Fact check next time, game designers, like go to a natural history museum or something I swear.

Upgrades range from a arm gun, an arm that circles around you like a deranged boomerang, and a better punch. Overall, the gun is the most useful but also the weakest, and some enemies that are low to the ground you can't even hit with certain weapons. Also, if you pick up more of the same powerup it'll upgrade it, but if you mess up and pick up a different power-up, you get that one instead and all your upgrades go away. It's a little obnoxious. And by a little I mean a lot.

Welcome to Jurassic Park. Planet. Jurassic Planet. Isn't that the name of the fourth movie?

While the Dynosaur bits should have been the most badass parts, they're actually a hunk of hot garbage. Attacks, as mentioned before, feel weak and have horrible range. It's hard to even attack enemies without getting hit back. But what's even worse is the pits and jumping. Right off the bat there's a pit with a mine on the other side. If you jump across like a normal platformer, you'll hit the mine and it'll explode, knocking you into the pit for an instant death. You try to overshoot and it does the same thing. Only if you pull an Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and take a leap of faith into the abyss will you hopefully land on that one pixel just to the left of the mine but isn't in the pit, and then be able to hop the mine and continue on your way. I'm going off memory here, but I'm pretty sure that's the first pit jump in the game. Maybe the second. I dunno, it's a little hazy, all I can think of right now is Jurassic Park dubstep for some reason .

It is mandatory to listen to this while playing. 

Aside from the mediocre gameplay, Dynowarz also looks pretty trashy. The cutscenses when you get into your Dyno and at the end are straight up awesome, but the rest of the game is kind of a blurry, pixelated mess. Nearly every planet's background is just a black starry sky, no mountains or hills or background of any kind. It's kind of cool in like a "the bleakness of a destroyed world" way, but I mean...why is every planet like this? Was Spondylus like the entire solar system or something? Why is everything so flat? Is this the Iowa Midwest of galaxies?

Music is also subpar around the board. Tunes are tinny and entirely unmemorable, though not offensive. Sound effect are bland and sound bitcrunched to death, perfectly complimenting the bland blobs of pixels that are supposed to be dinosaurs on the screen. Sorry, dynosaurs. Dunno why I keep doing that.

Beating the bosses relies entirely on having the right weapon by sheer luck. 

Ok, real talk: I secretly kind of love Dynowarz. Real talk part two: it's crap. It seriously is straight up garbage. It's not broken (which, considering this is the NES, is actually a pretty big positive), but it most certainly isn't a good game. It's tedious, not hard enough to be challenging but not easy enough to be a fun cakewalk, and most of it's difficulty stems from awful design and, mostly, the bad controls. 

But still, it's a game where you freaking drive a robot dinosaur to punch other robot dinosaurs in space.  And all of a sudden all my problems with it dissolve into blissful, peaceful, dynophoria. 

Two out of five stars. 

Also, more games should end like this. "Congratulations! You've finished another great game from Phil Fish!"

Lumines: Electronic Symphony

The Short

Pros
- Pretty, HD Lumines action
- Addition of "character powers" adds a bit more control and variation to the game
- Powerups seem to drop more frequently. I'm ok with this.
- Probably the best soundtrack out of all the Lumines games
- Is on PSVita, a portable system, which is where it plays best

Cons
- It's...just more Lumines.
- They still haven't found out a way to make any crazy modes or something with this puzzle concept
- Oh wait, there's touch screen controls. Don't use them.

Shapes and a beat line, huh? Must be Chime! Wait...

The Long

I'm gonna save you some time and link you to where I already reviewed Lumines on the PSP. And I just now realized that in that review I sort of semi-promised to review Lumines 2 and never did. Oops.

Anyway, it's another Sony handheld, which means ya gotta have Lumines. After a brief diversion onto Xbox Live, Lumines is back where it started, and upgraded for the Vita. What new tricks does Lumines have? Is it mixing up the beat (hur hur) in some wacky ways? Is this the Lumines gritty reboot?

Well...no, not really. But it's still a blast to play. So I guess it's still ok.

For some reason, my brain can't process these circles. I always do worse on this theme. 

I'll be brief on how Lumines works since I already went over it before. There's 2x2 squares full of two-colored...more squares (or sometimes circles, see above). When you get at last four of the same color in a big square together, it connects and can be deleted. Until it is deleted by the moving beat line (which moves with the tempo of the song), you can attach any more 2 colors to that chain, which means latching as many squares (or circles) to your cluster before the beat line eats it for dinner is imperative. You can chain these together for Mad Points, or just play really badly like I do and frantically scramble to not completely fail before the next song happens. Up to you.

What sets the game apart is not only its simplicity, but its reliance on soundtrack (it seems to be a theme this week, me reviewing musical-type games. Weird). Since the bar moves with the beat, your time to expand on your clusters varies depending on the song. The game also moves through songs at a pretty decent rate (each song is usually around 2-4 minutes), which causes both a style change (still a nice touch) and a tempo change. So basically you try to survive for as many songs as possible in the "Bon Voyage" mode, and when too many squares/circles reach the top you lose.

Gotta keep with the beat.

There are two key powerups you can get. One makes it so every piece touching it of the same color becomes deleteable. This is a great powerup if you play like me: badly. I somehow play this game like Magical Beat or Puyo Puyo, where I think attaching tons of the same color together in a snake-like line is a good way to play. It isn't. It's a good way to lose. But luckily this power up let me eliminate whole chains of these things, leaving only the other color behind to become a Massive Awesome Combo which I totally planned and it was my strategy all along.

The other powerup does something. I don't know what. I know, I should probably research this, but I can't be bothered. Sometimes it makes clusters where there weren't any, so I'm thankful to this powerup. But not as thankful as the chain one. It's my favorite.

A big change to the Vita version is the ability to have an Avatar ability. Basically you can pick from five "characters" to go into the game with, and each has a rechargeable power. The one I use most is the one that gives you a free snake-chain-powerup thing, as you can imagine based on my playstyle above, but they do a large variety of different things to mix up your game. These powerups recharge as you play (they recharge pretty dang slowly, though), so they're mostly used if you get in a tight spot.

It's a block party, ha ha ha. 

The other major Vita change is touch screen controls. I am going to cop-out and just say: don't play with touch screen controls. It's a nice novelty early on, but the later levels get crazy frantic fast, and it's just not possible to use a touch screen for it. I imagine Sony made them put this in so it could be a bullet point on the box, but it adds nothing to the game.

It also has it's usual multiplayer, which in turn has these power-up avatars, which gives you a bit more flavor to your matches. But in the end, it's basically just the same multiplayer as all over versions.

...which is the only real complaint I have with Lumines: Electronic Symphony: touch screen controls and avatars aside, this is the exact same game as Lumines. Well, I guess power-ups do seem to drop more frequently, but that's hardly anything to write home about. There's no new modes, no variations or a "puzzle mode" (which I think this game could use), and as a bonus you have to navigate the menus with touch controls (...why?). They literally sold me the same game I've bought four times already on PSP and Xbox.

They've got my number. 

And yet, for some reason, I'm totally ok with this. Why? Well, the game is like $10 on Amazon, and it is still probably the best handheld puzzle game since Tetris made the Game Boy cool. The new graphical style is really slick on the Vita's screen, with the cubes exhuming just the right about of weird bright glow and rapid changing style to keep you interested. It's a really pretty game, and really really addicting, the kind you feel you're never quite good enough at but just good enough to have fun. You know. That kind.

The soundtrack is probably my favorite out of all the Lumines games. Rumor has it this was originally going to be a "reboot" of Lumines (yes, a reboot of a puzzle game) called Daft Punk: Lumines. I swear I'm not making this up. They enlisted Daft Punk to write all the songs, but they ended up being too busy with both the Tron: Legacy soundtrack and the album Random Access Memories.

Regardless, the soundtrack consists of mostly licensed electronic music, and I like pretty much all of it. There's no real duds that I can think of, though a few certainly stand out more than others. I'd tell you which one, but I have no idea what any of the song names are, even with the robot girl voice speaking their names before each level. I'm too busy looking at colored squares, man!

All these screenshots are starting to look really similar. 

In the end, those looking for some sort of huge mix-up to the Lumines series aren't going to find it here. But they will find is a rad puzzle game ported to their new handheld, waiting to suck up hours and hours of their time on the bus. It's still fun, easy to pick up but hard to master, with great music and vibrant colors and a real slick style that makes it memorable. While Avatar Powers are a step in the right direction (and touch screen controls are not), I still feel a bit miffed at the lack of modes here. But hey, again, it was like $10, and I've probably sunk a good dozen hours into it already just commuting. So I think I'm ok with it.

If you have a PSVita, let me know because none of my friends seem to own one. But seriously, if you have a PSVita, this game is pretty much mandatory if you have any affinity for puzzle games. Get it, and be iLUMINESinated. Illuminated. Ilum...you know what? I quit.

Four out of five stars. 

And here's a photo of a guy playing it. Isn't he having FUN? Can't you tell from his hands how much FUN HE IS HAVING?!

Magical Beat

The Short

Pros
- Fast, easy-to-pick-up puzzle game
- Rewards aggressive play and encourages fast, frantic matches
- Having to move pieces to the "beat" adds a new layer of spice
- Seventeen songs initially, with songs from Blazblue and Guilty Gear available for unlock
- Lots of DLC songs and characters available for cheap
- Quite addicting

Cons
- A veritable dearth of modes
- With no online play, the Vita version is essentially single player only (you can Ad-Hoc and that's it)
- Computer is incredibly challenging and the difficulty ranks up too hard too quickly
- Seriously, on normal stage 10 it moves like a superhuman
- Characters are cute and different, but don't actually change the gameplay at all

It's time to get yo beat on.

The Long

I'm gonna admit: I downloaded the demo to this game because I thought it was Magical DROP. Reading comprehension, you've failed me yet again. 

Magical Beat, on the other hand, isn't a bubble-busting blaster like the game I confused it with. Oddly enough, this small puzzle game was created by none other than Arc System Works, the guys who mostly stick to hardcore anime fighting games (Guilty Gear, Blazblue, Persona 4 Arena). Apparently this game creeped out on Japan's PSN a while ago, and nobody expected it to make it stateside. Well...it did, and here it is. So is this puzzle game made by fighting game guys any good?

The characters look like they took inspiration from Cave Story. I'm ok with this. 

Magical Beat is a fairly standard action puzzle game with a few minor twists. The game itself plays a lot like Puyo Puyo. Your goal is to get combinations of three or more blocks (or Puyos) of the same color next to each other. By positioning blocks specifically, you can set up chains, which will clear your board faster and drop obnoxious black blocks (or Puyos) on the enemy screen. If your opponent's screen crosses the top before yours, you are the winner.

The trick to Magical Beat vs a regular Puyo Puyo type game is the second part of the title: the beat. The game draws a bit of inspiration from that other music puzzler I'm hopelessly addicted to, Lumines. Rather than have the pieces fall automatically like in most top to bottom puzzlers, Magical Beat has you holding the three square L piece at the top of the screen, allowing you to position and flip it until you are ready to drop it down. The catch is that next to every player's side is a line moving up and down with the beat of the song. You have to drop the piece with the beat (or within a small range of error), or else instead of falling where you want it, the piece will explode and the squares fall wherever they feel like it. 

It's a simple idea but quickly becomes addicting, mostly because of the range of BPMs across songs. Some are very slow, which means both you and your opponent have more time to think, and makes specifically placing pieces all the more important. Others are balls to the walls fast (like...seriously. So fast a normal person couldn't wisely drop a piece on every beat hit), which makes the competition absurdly frantic. Note that you aren't required to drop a piece every beat, but the computer probably will, which means you'd better be thinking quick on those hard songs.

Blazblue characters and songs are available as DLC, which is a fun nod to the designer's other games

When combining pieces into clusters, they don't disappear immediately (like Puyo Puyo), instead waiting a few beats before disappearing. This gives you time to build up the cluster, or make other clusters, as all current clusters will be removed at the same time, regardless of when they were made. This is similar to the line that crosses the screen in Lumines, erasing finished clusters in that game too, except in Magical Beat there is no such indicator. You do get a sort of "intuition" about when your clusters will be removed after a few games (and if a cluster would have caused you to lose, it is removed immediately to free up screen space), but some sort of visual hint wouldn't have hurt.

Modes are, unfortunately, this game's biggest problem. In that, there aren't many of them. At all. You have three arcade style modes, a beginner round that's 5 matches, a "normal" round that's 10, and a "Hardcore Hell" one which is also ten but the robots are Skynet, Deep Blue, and Hal rolled into one. Aside from that, you can play a single song vs a computer at the difficulty level of your choosing, and...that's it. Not a whole lot here.

This game screams to have multiplayer. The frantic, manic games would make for some hilarious online play with friends. Unfortunately, there is no online multiplayer in the game. In the PS3 version you have the option of local two player puzzle-battling (which I would imagine is fun; I got the Vita version), but for the Vita owners you're pretty much boned: Ad-Hoc is the only way to play, and both of you have to be in the same room and have a copy of the game. The fact that a game was released in 2014 without online play at all completely baffles me, and actually makes me really sad because I wanted to play this game with a friend (or two).

At least I'll always have the computer...right? Maybe?

If you have a PS3 and a significant other, this game is a blast. If you like games like Puyo Puyo or Tetris Attack, this will provide a good deal of competitive, frantic fun. Single player, however, it's a much harder sell, especially considering what you see is basically what you get. If you download the demo, it literally is just the Beginner mode pulled from the game and put on PSN (the 5 stages on an easier difficulty), with the only difference between that and the main game being 12 more songs (vs 5 in the demo) and the 10 person arcade and hell mode. 

The computer, also, is a bit of a problem. True to Arc System's past games (I'm looking at you, Blazblue), your enemy AI goes from "Good" to "Really good" to "Impossibly fantastic" over a matter of just a few rounds. I kid you not that I just sat back and watched it on Arcade Round 8 (not even on Hell mode) and it was moving blocks at a speed literally impossible to do if you have to physically push a button. I guess it means the game will last longer since you'll be butting your head against a cheating computer for a while, but it feels like a cheap way to lengthen the game.

Gotta stay in tempo!

The graphics are fairly simple, using a pixel-art motif that seems to be all the rage these days. The blocks reminded me a lot of the blocks in Tetris Attack (for better or for worse), including visually changing when you have two next to each other and need only one more to finish a chain. The game plays a satisfying "SHISSH!" sound if you manage to drop a piece exactly with the beat (which I assume means more points), and the characters are all over the place in terms of awesomeness. Regular anime style characters meet up with a ghost called G-host, a potted flower, an alphcha with an eyepatch, and a blob of pixels. Yeah, just a blob of pixels. His song is nuts. 

The music is also a lot of fun, a mix of techno and vocaloid that is never grating and reminded me a bit of DDR style music...if it had been bitcrunched a bit. Fans of Hatsune Miku may noticed some of the vocaloid software used is the same kind used in her voice, though it's never similar enough to be distracting. You can also unlock a handful of heavier techno songs from Blazblue and Guilty Gear, or just buy them on the market for a couple of bucks. 

"Egg shaped chicken in a frying pan" is obviously my main. 

When I first played the demo of Magical Beat, I was set to recommend it to everybody. The game is exactly the kind of puzzle game I like: absurdly fast, rewarding those who are aggressive (when I play fast in Tetris I just lose earlier...), has very fast and crazy matches, and looks and sounds great. After getting the game, however, I couldn't help but feel disappointed. Sure, the core gameplay hadn't changed, but the unfortunate lack of variety and modes coupled with the massive oversight of not including online play is genuinely disheartening. It's especially worse for a Vita player, as the game isn't cross-buy, so if I want to play it with my wife on the PS3 I'll have to shell out another ten bucks. Which makes me even sadder, because this game is a perfect fit for handhelds and playing on the bus, if only it had more content (or the computer weren't so impossibly good) to keep it floating.

As it stands, I still think Magical Beat is an awesome puzzle game. I'm crossing my fingers that it sold well enough to merit either a sequel or some free DLC in the future to include more modes and an online option, but considering almost nobody knows this game exists that probably won't happen. Still, if you have a PS3 and love competitive puzzle games, this one is an absolute treat. It's got fun music, cute characters, exciting gameplay, and an unfortunate lack of content on Vita. Ah well, maybe next time.

Oh, and you can buy Blazblue characters. That's pretty good.

Three out of five stars. 

These guys know how to party. 

Unearthed: Trail of Ibn Battuta

The Short

Pros
- For a game made on the Unity engine, it actually looks ok
- For a phone/android game, it also looks ok
- Shooting is somehow more precise than the Uncharted series
- The dialogue is so bad it borders on genius
- Has multiplayer...for some reason
- Only five bucks for "Episode 1"

Cons
- Everything else
- Also, it's only an hour long.

For a phone game, this isn't half bad. 

The Long

Have you heard of Asylum Films? I'm actually a pretty big fan. They basically look at what is popular (like Transformers) and quickly ham out a direct-to-dvd garbagefest that exists solely to confuse grandma when birthdays roll around (Transmorphers). They also made the Sharknado films. Despite their China-level disregard for copyright laws, I kind of find Asylum endearing, as their films have kind of a hilarious badness to them, and when put alongside the original films they're genuinely funny.

This, unfortunately, does not translate into games.

I could say a lot about Unearthed: Trail of Ibn Battuta. I could say how it uses both a Tomb Raider and Uncharted joke in the first cutscene. I could point out that the main character is a direct ripoff of Nathan Drake, down to the facial structure, except his "witty" one-liners are so atrocious they make Nathan look like a linguist. I could point out that the hour-long "episode 1" has more different types of guns then it has enemy types. I could shed a single tear at the 5 minute "walk slowly around town listening to expository dialogue" scene, and the absolutely incredible "drive through a looping cityscape avoiding randomly spawning cop cars for five to ten minutes until the game decides you've done it for long enough."

But I'll just say this: Unearthed is such an incredible, glorious failure, I kind of love it. But not enough to ever, ever play it again.

Nathan Drake, meet Drathan Nrake, your long lost twin. 

When you first boot up Unearthed, you are rewarded with an opening movie that looks like it was made in Apple Movie Maker. Stock photos fly across the screen as text breaks down the backstory, screenshots from the game accompanied by character names zooming by until it cuts to the plageristic looking title screen. It's something you have to see to believe.

You are then introduced to our main character, Faris, and his obnoxious sister Dania. Well, to be fair, they're both obnoxious, but she comes off as particularly grating. Though if I had a brother like Faris, I might feel the same way.

Wait, somehow I forgot the actual opening scene. Which is important, because it constitutes roughly 1/4 of this entire games length.

You start out in some sort of military bunker. The game gives you a brief tutorial on how to shoot (read: it's a third person, cover based shooter) and oddly enough the guns are punchy and enemies aren't bullet sponges. You hear that, Uncharted? People actually go down without having to use two full clips in this game. Unearthed: 1, Uncharted: 0.

It then cuts to a "three weeks ago" flashback, starting the longest panorama alongside the pyramids I've ever seen, and finally resting on our two heroes, giving us a good five minutes of ungodly bad banter. My favorite line was when Faris, who has clearly been travelling for days to reach this location, asks his sister "What is here, exactly?" As if somehow when he was spending all the money, doing all the travel time, and driving up this mountain next to the pyramids, he never bothered to ask why he was doing it. I love expository dialogue without context.

Hope you like this temple, because is the only real place you get to explore in "Episode 1"

Anyway, you get into the temple, solve some puzzles, drive an RC car around, and get some treasure. Then, a rival gang of treasure hunters shows up. Now, I always bashed Uncharted because Nathan Drake was a murdering psychokiller, but Faris makes him look like Ghandi. You'll be gunning down these random guys who just showed up without remorse, until at last you make your way out. After that, Faris and his sister escape on an ATV, gunning down anybody who follows them and even shooting down a helicopter with a machine gun. Badass.

The rest of the game is considerably more boring. Some random guy calls up Faris and invites him to Morocoo. There he tells him of the Trail of Ibn Battuta (roll credits!) and how it's not at all like the Trail of Marco Polo from Uncharted, and how he should go find it. But oh no, the map is stolen from the dude's house! Luckily Faris can leap from roof to roof and grab the thief, but not before a sniper decides to shoot captured thief instead of just shooting Faris. Then it's a thrilling car chase around the city (more on that then) followed by an amazing FMV ending movie (yes, seriously. With Papyrus font explaining everything. I love this) and the game is over. Total playtime? 45 minutes.

Ocean's 11 got nothin on this

Let me say this: for how absolutely atrocious the story is, and how painfully awful the dialogue is (especially when it's trying to have "witty comebacks"), something about this whole thing is oddly charming. The broken English, awful sentence pacing, random pauses, and just straight up stupid things everybody says are cringe worthy but still worth laughing at. If the game had just been that for an hour, maybe I'd have liked it better. Unfortunately, you have to actually play Unearthed.

The game is all over the place in terms of stuff you do, but it's segmented very distinctly so that each section feels like an entirely different game. It starts out with just straight shooting in it's prologue, then moves you to more Uncharted/Tomb Raider style exploration. It's worth pointing out there aren't any actual puzzles; you just find the objects you need in the environment (either by climbing up to them or just...walking over to them) and move on. You do get to drive an RC car (which is pretty funny), but even that I wouldn't call a "puzzle" just like I wouldn't call the Legend of Zelda series "action games."

Following that you have to get out of the temple while gunning down dudes. This is fairly standard cover based third person shooting. I will point out that the shooting feels better than the Uncharted games. Yes, lynch me now, but Uncharted's gunplay is kind of garbage. Unearthed enemies at least go down when you shoot them in the head.

The driving segments are my "favorite" parts. 

Upon exiting the tomb, you're treated to what is essentially a turret scene, with you sitting on the back of an ATV shooting guys that try to chase you down. It's absurdly easy, but ends in you taking down a helicopter with a machine gun, so it ain't all bad.

Then you have my favorite part in the whole game: five minutes of you walking slow, following a guy and your sister, while he spots expository dialogue. The best part is you get to where you are going and hit a cutscene, and you think the game is going to kick up again, and it puts you into another slow walking expository dialogue scene. I love it.

Then you have a "rooftop chase," which is extremely simple and lasts less than a minute. I forgot the mention the game also has a "fistfighting" system, which is completely awful. Blocking is worthless, kicking is worthless, mashing buttons is all you need. After beating up the dude you're supposed to "dodge the cops," but in my playthrough I just accidentally fell off the side of the building and the game triggered that I'd escaped. So good.

Then you have the final scene, the best scene, the scene that will go down in history. You're supposed to dodge the cops in a car. Your sister points out that you have to "avoid them for some time." So what does that mean? It means you drive through a cycling city block over and over again, while police cars randomly spawn in (usually far out of the way so they have no hope of catching you), while you drive through this same area over and over and over until the game decides you've had enough. There's no indicator, no challenge, the car doesn't even go very fast, and even getting tagged by the cops just causes you to lose a tiny amount of life. It's so good.

Such lifelike posture. 

After that, the game is over. You get a final FMV scene and it tells you to wait for Episode 2. Which is not out. And I don't think will ever come out. For this whole freaking game you don't even start on the "Trail of Ibn Battuta." And I keep reading it as the "Trail of IGN Battuta." Maybe they were trying to suck up for a better review score. I have no clue.

What the crap else can I say about this game? It looks ok, at least the environments do. The characters look awful and move really janky, with tons of glitchy animations throughout. Controls are ok for the most part but not really polished (I can't imagine playing this on an touch screen phone) and the sound design ranges from "dull" to "grating." The voice acting is so, so bad that I have to actually rank it up for atrociousness, and paired with the abysmal script just makes things extra hamball.

Oh yeah, there's multiplayer. It's a wave based survival mode. Against zombies. Don't play it.

I see them rollin, I'm hatin...

Ok, let me just be straight with you here: yes, Unearthed is kind of garbage. YouTubers ripped into it fairly viciously, game websites that even bothered to review it shredded it, and the game became kind of a joke because of it. But if I'm being totally honest here...it isn't that bad. I'd more say it's misguided. The exploring portions aren't horrendous, the shooting is ok, and for being made by a small team the game looks good and has good setpieces. The endless driving and slow walking parts are a total miss, I'll give it that, but the awful dialogue is so charming I kind of want to forgive it's shortcomings and recommend it.

But then I remember it's 45 minutes long, which means I could have beaten the entire game in the time it took me to write this review. And they're charging $5. Eeehh...

Maybe if they actually finish the whole series and then sell that for $5, it might be worth a shot just for a laugh. But if I'm being totally honest here, this game is really pretty bad. I started off loving it (for the wrong reasons, but whatever), and then it wore me down until I just couldn't stand it anymore. If anything, the game is at least entertaining to just watch, so you can save yourself $5 and just head on over to YouTube in that case.

The fact this game made it on the PS3 is a laugh riot. Better luck next time, guys. I think you have promise, this just...falls flat.

One out of five stars. 

Or you could, you know, watch me play it. If you want. That could be fun. 

Crypt of the Necrodancer

The Short

Pros
- Clever roguelike that manages to actually make tired concepts fresh again
- Four stages, tons of unlockables, and a plethora of enemies
- Oh my gosh the music in this game is so good. Cause DannyB wrote it, so no big surprise there.
- IF YOU WALK BY THE SHOPKEEPER HE SINGS ALONG TO THE SONG. THIS IS LITERALLY THE GREATEST INNOVATION GAMING HAS SEEN IN THE PAST DECADE.
- Pixel graphics are charming
- "Digging" through dungeon walls adds a nice mix-up to an already mixed-up concept
- Bosses are challenging and tons of fun
- Absurdly addicting
- You can play with a DDR pad. My mad teenage DDR skills finally have a purpose again.

Cons
- Still in early access, so some stuff (extra characters, etc.) are lacking
- Only four stages can be cleared in a short amount of time if you're skilled
- In that same vein, eventually you'll run out of stuff to buy in only 8-10 hours
- Isn't on the Vita. This game screams to be a portable game.

Welcome to Just Dance: Dungeons

The Long

I'm gonna say a few words, and I want you to take notice of your reaction. Ready?

Indie. Rogue-like. Pixel art. Early access. PC only.

If you let out a sad, tired, dejected sigh, I really don't blame you. While indie games were obsessed with zombies and shooting with two sticks just a few years back, the success of games like The Binding of Isaac have made a shift into these permadeath, run-based roguelikes with "retro pixel art, man! Just like when we were kids!" There's so many I can't even start to name them off (Risk of Rain, Rogue Legacy, Hammerwatch, Dungeons of Dredmore, to just spout the first that come to my mind), and they've quickly begun to run out of ideas. While I agree Rogue was a classic and all (also an X-Man...or X-Woman, whatever), do we really need to keep mimicking it? Most gregarious in my mind are the ones that just straight up are the grid based, turn based thing without really mixing it up a lot. I'll cut Dungeons of Dredmore some slack because I secretly like (and am awful) at it, but the style is identical to what has been made a hundred times before. Why doesn't somebody like actually do something creative with this? Like...add funky disco beats? And dancing skeletons? And a genuine mix-up to the entire way we play these grid based, turn-dependent style of game?

Oh hey, Crypt of the Necrodancer, how you doin? You...you what? You're everything I ever wanted in a roguelike? You're a rhythm game disguised as a roguelike with actually good pixel art? Wait, DannyB did the music? Are you for real? You aren't for real, right? You're just another disappointment (like Risk of Rain...). This can't actually be...

Oh. Oh my.

It's time to get jiggy with it. 

There's a story in Crypt of the Necrodancer, probably because somebody told the designers they had to have one. It doesn't really matter, but if you were curious: the main character (whose name I can't remember nor be bothered to look up. REAL GARME JARNALRARMS HERE GUYS) is a raider of tombs, someone who enters uncharted territory, a treasure hunter not a thief or she'll rip your lungs out kind of lady. When digging into the aptly named Crypt of the Necrodancer, the Necrodancer shows up and steals her heart! Luckily, however, he infuses it with some hot hot dubstep beats rather than just straight up eating it or something, so now she has to move with the beat or else her blood stops circulating and she dies a horrible death. I may have made the blood part up; I don't know what happens to you biologically when your heart is magically removed by a Necrodancer. I'd guess death, but this game would say otherwise.

And here's where the game gets tricky, so buckle up because I got some splainin' to do.

Even the hub world is not safe from the funky fresh beats. 

At it's core, Crypt of the Necrodancer could be described as an old-school rogue game - read: one that is grid based and reliant on "turns," where everything takes it's action turn at the same time - hybridized with the new wave of "roguelikes" - games reliant on quick "runs" of areas, where playing more unlocks more options in dungeons but not necessarily character power ups. Everything is on a grid, and everything takes it's turn at the same time. It's very important to note here that a core element of these types of games is the fact that, if you stand still, time essentially freezes. Enemies in these games only move or act when you move or act. This means when you enter a room you have lots of time to access the threat, figure out on the grid who will move what if you move where, and judge your attacks and movements accordingly.

It kind of super bores me, but some people like it. So whatever, it's a free country. The Crypt of the Necrodancer guys, however, apparently thought this was boring too and injected it with 100 ml of dubstep drop awesomeness. 

These mushrooms, however, literally killed disco. I hate them. 

Rather than have turns be in the player's control (since nobody moves until you decide they do), all movement is done to the beat of the music. Meaning if you stand still, everything around you will still move on the beat as they attempt to hunt you down and brutally murder you. The beat is represented by a helpful heart on the bottom, with lines hitting it with the tempo, but most songs are easy enough to pick up the beat. That being said, though, there's a boss (Donkey Kongo, or something) who has pauses and stops in his song, leaving my OCD internal metronome seething with wrath. It's great.

The point being, not only are enemies confined to this rhythmic beat motion machine, but so are you. You are only allowed to move on (or near) the beat. If you attempt to do anything off beat, the action will cancel, and you'll have to wait for the next beat to move again. On the flip side, moving to the beat over a prolonged segment will rake up a gold multiplier for money drops, rewarding you for paying attention to piano lessons when your mom forced you to go as a child (thanks, mom! Now I'm godly at video games because of all that money you spent!).

Plus, if you combo then the tiles change color and it becomes a KILLER DANCE PARTY. 

This may sound like a little thing, but I kid you not when I say I think this is the best thing to happen to this genre maybe since it's inception. By keeping the core things that hooked people (the permadeath, item progression, tile-based actions, etc.) but forcing you to act not only on a timer, but to the beat is absurdly clever. It's one of those "why the hell didn't anybody thing of this before?" things that baffles and astounds me.

In the actual game, it's fairly standard minus a few twieks. The game has been adjusted to keep this perpetual movement idea in mind. Enemies often project both their attacks and movement, allowing skilled players to dispatch just about any enemy without taking damage (though they have to think quickly to stay on the beat). Most enemies go down in 1-2 hits, with the exception of minibosses, which means encounters are brief, violent, and satisfying. It also means you enter PANIC MODE when something starts hitting you and you didn't expect it, causing you try to move off the beat and making things worse. I love it.

Gold is plentiful, and you can use it in a shop, that appears once per level. There are also chests scattered around the dungeon (you can buy upgrades that drop more at more regular intervals) for you to find. They're well hidden, mostly because of another sort-of-new mechanic: the ability to dig through walls. Most minor walls in this game can be dug through with a shovel, while harder ones require finding or buying an upgrade. The item assortment is your usual modern rogue-like type: objects that let you see through walls, torches that give you a bigger vision radius, and a plethora of weapons that dramatically change how you attack. You wouldn't believe how helpful a little extra range can be in this game.

Red dragons can also burn in hell. Why do they hate music so much? 

There's a minor progression system outside of the actual runs. Diamonds are a secondary form of currency, and unlike gold aren't used in the dungeons. Instead they're spent in the hub world to add more available options as you traverse the levels (different weapon types, items, etc.). Be sure to spend them, though, as they'll disappear if you try to do another run.

There's a decent amount of content here for an early access game, including four worlds (each with three levels and a boss), the ability to unlock both bosses and enemies to practice on (though you can't pick the weapon you fight them with, which kind of sucks), and two characters that I couldn't unlock because I suck at the game. There's a promise of more to come: more characters, items, etc., which is great, but even as it stands I think this game has enough content to validate it's $15 asking price. What the game really needs is more floors and a ton more items to purchase; you can easily acquire the necessary diamonds to buy everything in just a few hours. Unlike Binding of Isaac, where I'm still finding and unlocking new stuff.

Point being: the gameplay is phenomenal. I am totally and absolutely sick of this genre, and this game brought be back in. It's hard to say if it's more music game or dungeon crawler, but I couldn't care less. It's one of my favorite genre's mixed with one I used to love and grew tired of, resulting in a happy camper over here. Oh, and if you think this sounds easy because the game starts out with slower beats, think again. Stuff gets crazy fast, and when you toss one of the excellent bosses in the mix (the Chessboard boss is my favorite), you're in for a world of hurt.

For a game so reliant on it's soundtrack, it's no surprise the soundtrack is amazing.

The game utilizes the common "pixel art" aesthetic which, if I'm being honest, I'm a bit weary of. That being said, I feel it's got the more "hybrid" approach that's been emerging these days (read: it looks like Rogue Legacy). Overall, the style works, so no complaints. 

Ok now the music, on the other had, is freaking the best thing ever. Yes, that's hyperbolic, but that's what you get when you grab DannyB to do your stuff. For those unaware, he wrote the absoultely excellent soundtracks for both Super Meat Boy and The Binding of Isaac, (and infinite runner Canabalt) but I might go so far as to say this is his best work. Danny always has an excellent way of fusing old, retro sounds with a more modern aesthetic, so his stuff isn't totally throwback city (like, say Shovel Knight) but doesn't feel weirdly modern while trying to still be old (Scott Pilgrim vs The World). The guy's got serious chops, and his music is so good it's been in my stupid phone's playlist since I bought the game. 

But the best part? If you happen to be dancing around the shopkeeper during certain sections of the song, he sings along. Not only sings along, but harmonizes! It actually makes the game better, because sometimes you'll be wandering around and...what's that? Off in the distance? Is that...the sound of a melodious baritone singing along? The shopkeeper must be near! According to the reddit AMA, this was Danny's idea, and it honestly is one of my favorite parts about the game.

Lastly, you can put in your own music! The game's software will attempt to find a beat (and it's been pretty reliable), so if you hate yourself you can toss in some Dragonforce and play the game on Super Sonic Speed Gotta Go Fast mode. Don't do that. It's painful.

Things get crazy when you enter the World of Ice and Fire, Jahn Snauuooo. 

I'll admit I went into Crypt of the Necrodancer with perhaps middling expectations. I'd heard a little about it and knew DannyB did the music, but that was about it. What I didn't expect was to get completely and entirely addicted over a several week period. Like...it was unhealthy. I didn't do important hobby things (like update this blog...) during that time. It was that bad.

But it could be worse, because they should totally put this out on the Vita. Like, seriously guys, this is a perfect Vita game. I'd buy it again. I'd buy it twice. I'd take it everywhere and lose my job and drop out of school. Actually, maybe this wasn't the best idea.

Point being: Crypt of the Necrodancer is insanely clever. It mixes up a tired genre in just the right ways, while still making a very solid game underneath it all. It's fun and hypnotizing and the soundtrack is amazing and I'm so good at staying on beat I am literally Scrooge McDuck cause I got so much gold, holy crap.

It's the first game to ever make me break my Early Access Rule (The rule is: "Don't buy Early Access"), and I don't regret it one bit. I can't wait for more content to show up.

Until then, I'll keep tapping my toes and dodging dancing skeletons and funky monkeys.

Five out of five stars. 

And here's a kickin' tune for the road. 

Persona 4: Golden

The Short

Pros
- Upgraded version of an already phenomenal game
- Improved, widescreen, HD graphics look stunning on the Vita
- Two new social links that are entertaining and do well supplementing the plot
- Tons of new scenes interspersed within the main game, in addition to an entire new endgame and two extra months
- New dungeon and boss, with the dungeon having it's own unique twist on the gameplay
- Improvements to both the Skill Card system from P3P and Persona fusion in general massively empowers those trying to make the "ultimate persona"
- Nearly every aspect of this game has been touched on or changed for the better
- The definitive version of one of the best, if not the best JRPG ever made

Cons
- Marie (one of the new social links) has most of her more interesting plot points at the tail end of the story
- Hot springs and the more egregious bathhouse scene's fanservice feels out of place in an otherwise tactful and mature game
- New additions make the game considerably easier (though there's more difficulty modes to make up for it)
- Changes buffed Naoto to where she is totally broken and overpowered
- Money is more important, but the game hasn't been scaled for it, meaning you're gonna be poor
- Chie and Teddie have new voice actors. The former's is more noticeable.
- Doesn't offer an entirely new route (Female Protag) like P3P did

I'm gettin' fired up just thinking about Persona 4!

The Long

Wow, people really like Persona 4 huh? The little PS2 game that could (coming out a good deal of time after the PS3 had arrived) has quickly garnered a massive cult following, prompting Atlus to release a plethora of spinoff games (Persona 4 Arena, Persona Q, Persona 4: Dancing All Night) and merchandise to keep the hype train going. As someone totally on board for the Persona 4 love, I'm glad to see more content, but was most excited to see that the game was getting a remake on the PSVita. Atlas had taken great care in porting Persona 3 over (though some compromises had to be made given the system's limitations), so I was pumped to see this game being rebirthed on a more portable platform (these games are perfect for portable). So pumped a bought a stupid PSVita pretty much just to play this game. Which I guess is fair; I bought the PSP to play P3P, so I guess I'm not exactly somebody to look to for sound financial advice. 

Anywho, Persona 4 Golden. What's good? What is bad? If you've beaten Persona 4, is it worth spending another 80+ hours revisiting Inaba and cracking the case you already know the answer to?

Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Absolutely yes. 

Teddie is keeping it classy. 

Replaying Persona 4 Golden after being away from it for about 3-4 years, I was first struck with how damn funny this game is. Seriously, it's so entertaining it's unbelievable. Now you probably didn't expect that to be the first thing I'd say in this review, but too bad: I said it. For not being a comedy game per say, Persona 4 Golden excels at it's witty, character driven humor. And while Youske may somehow be at the butt of even more jokes over the course of the game, this game never ceases to surprise me at the lengths it goes to be silly and entertaining.

So...what's new? Well, a lot actually, so I'll try to not take forever.

Let there be JRPG.

First off, a ton of lines of the game have been changed. Most have to do with Chie and Teddie (since they both have new voice actors; more on that later), but others are there to provide better hints for later plot points as well as make segues into new conversations seem more natural. It isn't just Chie and Teddie, though; tons of lines from "Vanilla" Persona 4 have been twieked to just generally work better. A small change, but as someone who has beaten P4 several times already, you notice it.

Next up is the absolutely atrocious amount of new story scenes. The big ones (the ones they mention in the promo materials) are obviously the added scooter beach trip (which happens during the summer) and the later "snow" portions (which are extension past when Persona 4 Vanilla ended originally). And while those two bonuses are completely fantastic and downright entertaining, tons of other small scenes have been tossed in as well. I won't spoil any, but just know if you've played this game to death you'll find lots of silly, charming interactions that pop up when you lest expect it, further solidifying your bonds with these characters and making you feel like you have an actual group of friends. 

If only I had this many friends in real life :(

The two biggest story additions are the new social links, namely Adachi (who was already in the game before as your cop-uncle Dojima's witless partner) and Marie. Adachi's social link is played mostly for laughs, revealing a sort of apathetic douchebag side to the guy but still showing he has some heart, especially for Nanako. Marie is the real meat-and-potatoes content here, though, and is probably my new favorite character in the game. Besides maybe Kanji. Ok, new favorite female character in the game. (Unrelated: why can't I Lovers Route Kanji again? Come on Atlas! It's all I want!)

Marie is a resident of the Velvet Room, the place where long-nosed Igor and his assistant Margret hang out talking about Personas and playing cards or something. Her past, however, is unknown, so your job is to take her around in the human world (of which she has no knowledge) and teach her stuff. It's an obvious parallel to the Elizabeth (or Theodore) activities in Persona 3, and while those were totally awesome, Marie's are even better. This is mostly due to the fact that her social link is perhaps the only one that heavily relies on interaction with your friends, allowing more of the fun group scenes that are really the heart of Persona 4. Marie is blunt but not intentionally mean, but always speaks her mind, which basically means she and Rise compete for the Alpha Female in the group, to hilarious results. Marie plays solid foil for Rise's flirtatious charms with her unhindered bluntness, making for some hilarious interactions throughout (plus anyone who can piss Rise off is ok in my book).

Marie also ties directly into the new "Hollow Forest" dungeon, which is a sort of bonus dungeon that happens just before the end. You only have one day to do it (meaning no backing out) and it had some tricky rules (all your gear and items are stripped, and your SP is halved after every battle, making it pretty tough), but overall it's a fun dungeon that mixes up things quite a bit. It's not a substantial amount of content (plus you don't keep anything you find after clearing it, which kind of sucks) but it's nice to have another place to test my skills and Persona building. 

The only downside to Marie is that, while she plays a rather significant role after solving the case but before the "true" final boss, all the big reveals about what she really is seem to happen all at once. It hints during her social link at solving a mystery, but unfortunately you never get any trickle-down of knowledge, it's just kind of all thrown at you at the end. I do like that her story helps lead you towards the true ending (which is super obscure in Persona 4 Vanilla), and her endings scenes are entertaining, but I felt she could still have been woven into the narrative a bit better. If she's your love interest she doesn't show up for the Christmas Eve scene, and is just tacked on to the end of the Valentine's Day scene (so be sure to romance somebody else too for maximum sceneage! Get your playah on, you dirtbag!), which makes her feel less involved.

Oh, unrelated, but the game actually punishes you now if you make everybody your girlfriend with the hopes they don't find out. They do. It's painful. 

Oh Marie, you hate because you love. But mostly because you hate. 

The last big change I'll mention is the voice actors. Both Chie and Teddie's original voice actors could not be found, so they brought in replacements. Teddie's sounds almost identical, but Chie's is significantly different. I mentioned this a bit in my P4A review, and I was worried that I'd end up disliking her because of her new voice (not that the old one was perfect). While it grated on me at first, I was completely sold by the end. The new voice actress has a different take on the character's voice that fits the personality woven into the dialogue better (more tomboyish and less like a thirty-year-old woman) and tends to read the majority of her lines more naturally as well. Not as big a deal as I thought it would be, but worth mentioning. I guess. 

Point being: Persona 4's characters and writing are excellent. While the underlying story (a murder mystery) and it's somewhat abrupt escalation into "we gotta save the world!" might not be as smooth or well crafted as Persona 3's, Persona 4 Golden's strength lies in it's entertaining characters, and putting them in as many scenes together as they could stuff into the game. Atlus knew what the game's strengths were, and completely supplemented them perfectly. I can't give the writing and voice actors here enough praise. 

If you wanna break the game, you can now totally break the game. 

Gameplay-wise the core system is still the same. That is: get social links, get Personas, raise social links for better personas, raise stats, level Personas, fuse Personas, win. It's still split between the three core activities: your time management/social life, Persona fusion and management, and battling in traditional turn-based JRPG dungeons. There are, however, a few changes that seem minor on the surface, but actually mix up the game a lot.

The biggest improvement is the ability to choose what skills Personas inherit when they're fused. For those unfamiliar, you can combine 2-8 Personas to make more powerful ones as your Social Links improve. As part of this fusion process, the new Persona inherits skills/spells that the old ones had. Before the selection of skills was completely random, forcing you to cancel back out and go back in over and over until you got the skills you wanted before committing to the fusion. Now, however, you just straight up pick the skills. Does it break the game because you can fuse an unstoppable monster? Maybe a little. But does it get rid of a lot of the obnoxious tedium tied with fusing? Yes, absolutely. 

Skill cards are back from P3P, and are even better. Before you got a skill card when a Persona reached a certain level. Now they can be picked up via the improved Shuffle Time after a battle (more on that later), or by extracting them from a Persona using...magic coffee. Yes, really. It's great. Cards can either be used to teach a skill once, or given to Marie who will then sell you an unlimited number back at an absurd cost. Seriously, they're hyper expensive; Cool Breeze is like 200,000 bucks here. They're less necessary now that you can pick your skills, but if you really want to have every Persona learn Victory Cry, now you can. It's less earth-shattering as it was in P3P considering the new fusion inheritance system, but it's nice it's there. 

It looks tricky, but you just gotta know when to hold 'em, and also when to fold 'em. 

Shuffle Time, the random game to win new prizes after certain battles, has also been revamped. In addition to Personas, the bonus cards from Persona 3 have made it in (healing, bonus money, bonus xp, etc.) in addition to some negative cards. However, the trick now is that you're dealt a hand of cards and have the choice to pick up one. Negative cards, though, will give you more pickups. Chain negative cards and you can eventually walk away with an entire dealt hand, earning you a sweep bonus, which guarantees a Shuffle Time after the next battle and an additional two pickups. Savvy players can chain Shuffle Time together for some mad bonuses, and use it to pick up Persona's they were missing. Oh, and it also now tells you if you've already picked up or banked a Persona in Shuffle Time. A small change, but a good one.

There's tons of new combat crap I could mention but this review is too long already. Social Linking party members now teaches them unique moves on the side (Yukiko with Mudo? Whaaaaaaa), and after you max them and enter the final portions of the game you have the option to do one final Social Link that makes their Persona uber and teaches them an ultimate move (Yukiko's Burning Petal's is so powerful it should be illegal). They also twieked mana costs (mostly making Almighty spells cheaper) and buffed the instant-kill Light/Dark spells, which had the hilarious side effect of making the previously situational pick Naoto (who had a scattershot of abilities but mostly was focused on the low-priority Light/Dark skills) a gamebreaking master. With Mudo Boost (basically a boost to the chance that your Dark Spells will instant kill an entire group of enemies) and Invigorate (free SP every turn) and Rise's massive buffs to HP/SP regeneration after a battle ends (a passive on all the time), Naoto can basically one shot entire mobs and recover all the SP after. It's also a problem that only enemies at the very end of the game have resistance to Almighty spells, meaning if you fuse a Persona with one (and then use a rare card drop in Shuffle Time to boost the skill up to a super advanced version) or level Naoto up so she has it, you can rain the Wrath of God on everybody without consequence throughout most of the game. Yeah. It's broken. Be sure to play on Normal or Hard, ok? 

There are a lot more animated segments this time around. 

Graphically, this game looks really good. Persona 4 was already a great looking game, not necessarily for graphics but for it's striking art style. The tv aesthetic and the bold, solid colored menus and text really popped out (especially since they were bright yellow) went a long way to make up for the PS2's graphical limitations, and they've all received a stunning transition to the pseudo-HD of the Vita's screen. Having an OLED Vita means this game looks downright phenominal. The sprites and backgrounds have had substantial upgrades, all the animated cutscenes and character portraits have been bumped to a higher resolution, and the game is now widescreen. While it may not push the polygon power of the Vita to it's limit, the framerate stays rock solid regardless of how flashy the spells are, and the game still exudes enough graphical charm to make up for it not being "next-gen."

There are a few new songs, though not as many as P3P saw. There's a new battle song that honestly kind of sucks (it's just straight up dull). There's also new town music for winter as well as a phenomenal arrangement of I'll Face Myself (the boss theme) that plays during the new optional boss. Persona 4 already fully embraced it's weird, poppy Japanese soundtrack that wasn't quite as weird (or, if we're being honest, memorable) as Persona 3's, but minus that one dud the songs and sound are fantastic.

And I already rambled about the voice actors, but seriously...Youske and Kanji steal the show. It's freaking Yuri Lowenthal (Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time) and Troy Baker (The Last of Us, Bioshock Infinite) for crying out loud! Not to mention the always excellent Laura Bailey (Nier, Saints Row 3/4, like every anime ever) on Rise. Top notch stuff.

Arguably my favorite song in the game. Pure Boss Excellence. 

I suppose the ultimate question is this: if I loved Persona 4, is it worth replaying on the Vita? Is it worth buying a Vita (which isn't exactly doing well) to see all the new stuff? My answer is this: if you loved Persona 4 enough that you might have said "Greatest RPG of all time" at some point about it, then yeah...you should probably get Persona 4 Golden (and a Vita. They're actually not all gloom and doom like people make them out to be!). If you haven't played a Persona game and want to take the plunge into 4, this is by far the best version. Unlike P3P, where the altercations might have hindered a wholehearted recommendation vs FES, Persona 4 Golden is by far the definitive version of this game. It is so good it makes the original game obsolete. And it has enough new content that even people who know Persona 4 backwards and forwards will still find tons of new content and a good deal of fun here.

If I weren't completely blinded by rose-tinted goggles, I'd probably say something crazy here like "I know I said Final Fantasy VI is my favorite game of all time, but I'd be lying if I didn't say Persona 4 Golden isn't the best JRPG ever made." Maybe I'll just say it anyway, since I already just freaking wrote it. Whoops? Whatever. Hyperbolic statements aside, Persona 4 Golden is Really. Freaking. Good. I went in fully prepared to declare Persona 3 the better game, and came out not so sure anymore (more on that in a later article? Maybe?). Point being is that if you have any affinity for JRPGs whatsoever, you must play Persona 4 (and 3, but I'm not reviewing 3 here). And if you have a Vita, this is by far it's best killer app. Even after putting 83 hours into the game on a first playthrough, I very nearly started up New Game + immediately after beating it. It seriously is so good you get depressed afterwards because all other games suddenly seem weak in comparison.

Wow, this got into overarching statements fast. I'd better shut up now and end with this:

PERSONA 4 GOLDEN IS GREAT. 

BUY A VITA AND PLAY IT.

EVERY DAY'S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES. 

Five out of Five Stars. 

You tell 'em, Kanji.