ToeJam & Earl

The Short

Pros
- Unique blend of funk and roguelike
- A roguelike without most of the usual roguelike elements
- Funny items, powerups, and dialogue
- Soundtrack and characters are funky fresh
- Randomizing levels makes each game unique
- 2-3 hours a run make for a fun quick run
- Two-player co-op is done flawlessly

Cons
- Main character movement speed is just slow enough to be frustrating
- Randomized levels and items can royally screw you over
- Falling several floors can lead to serious frustration
- No save feature
- Graphics are good but not great
- XBLA release never happened

It's time to get funky.

The Long

If you haven't played it, you probably have no idea what ToeJam & Earl is. I know I had no idea, even when I saw it at the store and ended up buying it. I knew it was funky, and that it starred two rapping aliens (how many games can say that?), and that people loved it. Beyond that? You got me.

It wasn't until I booted the game up and played a few rounds both single player and co-op that I realized what ToeJam & Earl is: it's amazing.

Sinkin' in the custard

The plot is hardly worth mentioning. ToeJam (the red, multi-legged one) and Earl (the fat, starfish one with killer jams) are space rappers from the planet Funk-o-tron who were unfortunate enough to crash land on Earth. The pieces to their ship scattered, so now the space rapstars are off to recover the pieces and get back to Funk-o-tron.

It's nonsensical, but the game sells its style to a level only comparable to something like Earthworm Jim. The quips between Earl and ToeJam (assuming you are playing co-op) is hilarious and amusing and fits the theme ("Sup, Earl?", etc.). The items you pick up tend to be junk food (or just junk, like moldy bread) and are accompanied by a hip reaction. My favorite is the Root Beer, which makes your character burp non-stop for the next couple minutes (interrupting cutscene dialogue, even). It's goofy, stupid, and taken to exactly the right level to work.

Earl: Sleepin' on the job. 

I'm willing to bet by this point in the review, after looking at the screenshots, you still have no idea how you actually play this game. And that's fair; the screenshots don't really tell you anything. Essentially: ToeJam & Earl is a rogue-like. Yes, a rogue-like. Like The Binding of Isaac.

What makes it unique is how it strips away most of what would be considered staples of the rogue-like genre. You hardly ever kill enemies; usually your best (and only) option is to run. It isn't turn-based. While you do level up, it's expressed in the "titles" at the bottom of the screen ("ToeJam is a Wiener" being the equivalent to "Level One," and it moves up from there). Experience isn't gained by killing enemies but exploring squares on the overall map. It's a wild concept: an (essentially) combat-free rogue-like. And it works...quite well.

This game has some weird enemies. 

The main trick is presents. Scattered across the randomly generated maps (though you have the option to play through a non generated set) are presents which you can pick up and use. These can either help or hurt; you won't know until you actually use them. After you do you'll know for all future presents (unless you get the present that re-mixes up stuff so you don't know...the worst thing ever), so you can avoid crappy ones and stick to using the good ones. These range from weapons to health, but most are ones that help you better traverse the environment or escape enemies (like bounce shoes or wings).

Then you hit the staple of the rogue-like: the risk/reward. Exits are usually fairly easy to find (based on the random aspect, but still...). Do you bail and get up to the next level, or keep wandering in hopes that you'll find something good? The game will tell you on each floor if it has a spaceship piece (so you can't really miss them, thankfully) so is it worth going to grab stuff that might kill you? 

And that's the real hook: deciding whether or not to eat that unknown present, or just trash it. To continue adventuring on risk of death, or just move on. And it's a constant decision, and it's great.

Two funky dudes. 

I can't go further without mentioning the absolutely excellent co-op. The game uses a dynamic split screen feature as you and a friend are crusin' around as ToeJam and Earl. When you are close together, the screen merges and you both wander around (and any powerups used will be used on both, which gives you incentive to stay close). Split up and the screen will cut down the middle, each half focusing on each specific character until reunited. You can even be on different levels and the game will keep it up. Splitting up to explore the world makes this game a lot funner, and having to work together with power-ups only adds to that.

Despite all this, ToeJam & Earl has some rather annoying flaws. My biggest complaint would have to be the movement speed. While I enjoy the vibe of the game where I'm just relaxin', crusin' around with my homeboy Earl as we explore this weird earth, their movement speed is so slow it can be incredibly tedious to backtrack (or even move forward). You can get powerups that increase movement speed for a limited time, but they are still just swaggering around at the speed of slow. 

This only gets more aggravating with my next big issue: the random worlds sometimes screwing you. Now, I know this is a rogue-like, so sometimes you just get dealt a crappy hand. But considering this game is based on layers (which you can easily fall off the edge of, dropping you to the previous world where you have to walk back to the elevator), it is extremely frustrating when you drop onto an island, only to have to drop down again just for hope to get to an elevator. Once, due to one small mistake (or rather, an enemy grabbing me and throwing me off), I had to backtrack back up five levels. That's about the time I want to turn the game off, especially since ToeJam is blissfully under motivated in terms of walking speed. 

Screwed. Over. 

Graphically, ToeJam & Earl looks fine, but not particularly extravagant. I love the absolutely bizarre enemies: giant hamsters in balls, people dressed up as devils, an angry mom pushing a screaming kid around in a shopping cart, Santa, a mad scientist, and more. The worlds look good but "samey," with little variety throughout the quest to the stars. It's passable (and the vibrant colors are appealing, as is the funky font) but a bit underwhelming.

Music is absolutely jammin'. While I'm a bit sad there's a limited number of tracks, the songs are so catchy I can forgive it. Not to mention the best elevator music ever as you go up a level (that beat is sick, bro). The sound design is also great, with lots of voice work that sounds surprisingly clear on the Genesis. 

"Tomato Rain" might be the best named power-up ever. 

I will admit: I had no expectations when going into this game, and I was pleasantly surprised. ToeJam & Earl is a bit insubstantial single-player, true, but with a friend who is willing to chill out and just get funky in space elevators, ToeJam & Earl is a blast. It's a bit dated with its slow movement speed and minor issues, but ultimately it was ahead of its time and certainly worth checking out if you have any interest in rogue-likes.

A Genesis cart can be a bit pricy (between $20-$30), but they re-released this game on the Wii Virtual Console for a mere $8. This game was supposed to come out on Xbox Live Arcade in 2009, but apparently some copyright disagreements closed it out. Unfortunate. It's also too bad the sequel, Toejam and Earl in Panic on Funk-o-Tron ditched the rogue-like elements and made it a platformer, which doesn't have quite the charm (I already have quirky platformers, thanks). 

Still, worth a shot if you are into something wholly original and completely weird. Four out of five stars.

See you, space funksters. 

Excitebike

The Short


Pros
- Fun, challenging dirt-bike action
- Simple controls combine with unique tracks to keep the game fun
- Race with or without other cars
- "Programmable Series" meant you could make your own tracks to race on!

Cons
- No multiplayer
- Only five tracks
- US release didn't have a battery to save your custom tracks; they erase when you turn off the system

The precursor to the Trials games

The Long

Excitebike is another of the "black box" NES games, the collection that was part of the original launch of the NES in the United States. It was one of three games out of the release batch (which included games like Hogan's Alley and Golf) that was in the "Programmable" series, the others being Wrecking Crew and Mach Rider. As I've pointed out before, the NES release library in North America was really hit or miss, with some being fantastic games while others have aged quite poorly. Where does Excitebike lie on this spectrum?

Excitebike is (for the two people in the whole world who don't know) a motorcycle racing game with an emphasis on course-related obstacles. The goal is simple: beat the time to get in first place, while not crashing constantly on the tricky courses. You have four "lanes" to choose from, which can be used to dodge either stuff left on the course (rough patches, etc.) or other drivers. It's a simple idea but one that can prove to be very addicting as you strive to beat old high scores. 

Mash buttons if you crash to climb back to your bike faster. 

You essentially have only two options, and neither of them are "brake." You have the gas, which you'll have to let off of for tricky jumps, and a "boost," which will give you a blast of speed so long as you hold it down but will also raise the "Temp" gauge in the middle. Max out the Temp and you'll overheat, which isn't a good thing. Also, going too fast increases the risk of crashing, unless you have the skills to handle it.

Directional controls are also simple. Up and down changes lanes, which can be used to shift over to jumps or avoid other racers. Forward and backward are the meat of the game: they'll control how your biker leans and are necessary to master if you are going to land jumps. That, in a nutshell, is how you play Excitebike.

Poppin wheelies for fun and profit. 

There are three modes in Excitebike. The first is just racing against the clock with no other drivers. While it's nice to not be constantly ran off the road, this mode is a little dull. The second is the choice to race with other motorcycles. Contrary to what you might think, you aren't racing against them; it's still against the clock (kind of like how the other cars in Rad Racer only exist to get in your way). This ramps up the challenge as you try to avoid the racers while not eating it on the course, and is probably the best way to play the game.

The final option is where the "Programmable" comes from. The game comes with its own course editor, meaning you can create some pretty insane tracks. The editor is a bit archaic but is still functional, and I was able to make some pretty zany tracks for my guy to crash constantly on. 

The biggest problem with the editor is that the North American release of Excitebike, for whatever reason, doesn't have a battery/memory backup to save the tracks, meaning once you turn the system off they are gone forever. Luckily, in both the GBA and Virtual Console re-release the game will save tracks, though the GBA version only saves one track. 

This is not gonna end well. 

So the main question remains: is Excitebike still fun? Well...yes, actually. Even with only five courses and no multiplayer, Excitebike remains a blast to this day. While you could argue that games like Trials HD or Joe Danger are essentially the evolution of this game (and they are, with one focusing on extremely difficult physics challenges and another more stunt-based), Excitebike still holds up as being a lot of fun. It's unfortunate that the fun is limited to either five tracks or the time you are willing to spend making your own (and then have them disappear when you turn off the system, if you are playing on the original cart) but the game is still challenging and fun even if it doesn't save.

It also still looks quite good, with the clean interface making it very easy to see what you are up against. The sound effects are also extremely memorable, with the engine grumbling as you blast it forward being a highlight.

On your marks...

I'd recommend Excitebike to this day. While I wish the Virtual Console version had a way to make tracks and share them over the internet (and have a wider number of save options), the original is still a blast to play. It's just solid all around, with its biggest issue being that you will get bored of the five tracks. When that happens, pick up one of the previously mentioned "spiritual successors" to continue the fun.

Three out of five stars.

A winner is you. 

You Don't Know Jack

The Short


Pros
- Same irreverent, silly, weird trivia questions as the original series
- Funny and entertaining while still making you think about some pretty tough stuff
- Four players is a hoot, and with the changes everybody gets to play on every question
- Fast paced episodes mean you can go from one to the next very easily
- "Wrong answers of the game" always keep you on your toes
- Cheap; went for $20 it's first week shipped

Cons
- Since the questions aren't randomized, once you finish an episode you can't ever play it again
- Replaying episodes for achievements sucks
- Single player, this game is pretty boring and makes you feel lame
- Some of the jokes can come off as a little grating. The puppet one, for example.
- The "Jack Attack" at the end pretty much renders the entire game previous irrelevant in terms of earning money

Ready for trivia?

The Long

You Don't Know Jack was a pretty big series back in the 90s, with it's style of inappropriate humor mixed with some actually very solid trivia questions appealing. It had that good mix of stupid humor, smart humor, and smart questions that worked, and since you could play it competitively four-player that was just icing on the cake. They tried to make an actual game show about it on TV, but it flopped pretty hard and You Don't Know Jack was put into retirement.

Now, several years after the last iteration, Jellyvision is trying to bring You Don't Know Jack back for a newer generation. They got the original announcer, the bald upper half of Jack's head (now CGI), Screws, and a freaking boatload of trivia questions (and if it isn't enough, the DLC is cheap and there's tons of it). So what are you waiting for?

Different modes are constantly mixing things up

The core concept of You Don't Know Jack is simple: ask trivia questions. The trick is in the way they do it. They constantly drop weird references, explain bizarre things in silly ways, and just generally go out of their way to be both funny and confusing in order to throw you off track. Half of the game is just figuring out exactly what is being asked, and then figuring out the answer is a whole different ballpark. There's trick questions thrown in the mix that also can mess you up, as well as a "Wrong Answer of the Day" concept I'll go into in a minute.

The biggest improvement for me over the previous Jack games is the fact everybody gets to answer every question. In the previous game people buzzed in and guessed, one at a time. Now there's a timer and all four people answer at once, revealing who was right when the timer runs out. The faster you answer the more cash is at stake, to either gain or lose, so stalling to the last minute if you don't know an answer is certainly an option.

The questions are silly while still being intelligent and difficult. 

They mix up the regular old "answer the multiple choice question" idea with some variations. DisOrDat takes the current lowest scoring player and has them pick whether or not a word on screen (presented in rapid succession) is one thing or another (for example, a Pope or a Brittney Spears Song). There's also the ending "Jack Attack," where you have to match a word with another one based on a theme, and it's pretty much based entirely on player speed. It goes a long way to make it not just silly trivia the time, and it's appreciated.

Wrong answers of the game also mix stuff up. 

Speaking of which, the "Wrong Answer of the Game" is another great new addition. Every episode has a "sponsor" for a totally off-the-wall product, and one question has a wrong answer that's relevant to that product. Pick it and you win tons of bonus money. For example, if the sponsor had something to do with vampires, keeping an eye out for wrong answers with the word "Blood" in them might be a good idea. It makes you pause and decide if the gamble is worth it, because if it's just a regular wrong answer you are out the money.

With friends, Jack is a hoot. The humor hits much more frequently than it misses (though it does miss from time to time) and with a group it can be very easy to do the "just one more episode" thing. It's a great party game that can be played quickly, since each episode is only about fifteen minutes long.

The questions are easily the highlight. 

So what sucks about You Don't Know Jack? Well, not a whole lot to be honest, but there are still a few hangups. The biggest one is if you don't have any friends (or buy the DS version), because playing Jack alone is just...not very fun. Yeah, you still get the funny questions or whatever but the main point of this game is to be played with friends. Playing with yourself (hur hur, irreverent humor) is lame and unfun, and you won't be getting the full value of the game if you do.

Another issue is the episodes. You get over 90 in the game, so that's a boatload of trivia questions, but since each episode never changes once you beat one you essentially can't replay it (unless you want to cheat and smoke all your friends). 90 episodes is a lot, though, so it isn't that bad, it just means this game has literally zero replay value. You can buy DLC packs for super cheap, however, if you really need more content. 

There's a lot of content, but once you burn through it you are done. 

Lastly, it still has the weird balance problems of the first Jack, the biggest one being the Jack Attack at the end is basically what determines the winner, not whoever did best on the previous 10 questions. Since each Jack Attack question is worth so much (to either gain or lose), it is very easy to pull ahead fast or lose it all at the end, especially in a close game. It's kind of lame, but that's how Jack has always been, I guess. 

Also the PC version doesn't have online multiplayer, and playing online with strangers is dumb since they all are just looking it up on GameFaqs. So play with people you know.

The Jack Attack can completely turn a game around. 

You Don't Know Jack, kind of like Deathspank, relies entirely on its humor to sell itself. So if you are the kind of person who enjoys this sort of thing (dig up a few questions or watch a Let's Play to get a feel for it) than You Don't Know Jack is certain to entertain you, especially if you have like-minded friends. Considering the game retailed at $30 and is now easy to pick up at around $10-15, I'd say that's pretty much a no-brainer if you had any fondness for the older games or are looking to dive in for the first time. 

Just know that this is 100% trivia. That's the game. You aren't shooting aliens or stabbing dudes or anything. I don't know why you'd think that, but I figured I should bring it up just in case. 

I personally think this game is a riot, and was absolutely worth the $20 I spent on it. We played it a lot and only got through half of the episodes, so unless you and your friends are total trivia nuts it'll still maintain its good value. Give it a shot! You might find you are smarter than you think (but not smarter than me, because I'm a You Don't Know Jack god, ha ha!")

Four out of five stars. 

Whoops, spoiled this answer for you. 

Bubble Bobble Neo!

The Short


Pros
- Updated version of the original Bubble Bobble with several additional new levels and modes
- Up to four players can play
- Still maintains a lot of the fun, crazy, arcade fun that the original Bubble Bobble had
- Updated music is pretty great, and all the stages are retained

Cons
- Controls are not the same (movement especially) which means some levels are damned near impossible
- Limited lives in an arcade game I paid for? This must be some Japanese bulls***
- Failure to improve in any way on the formulas
- Four player is entertaining but can also prove very frustrating
- Some level design is questionable, and not remaking the levels for the new controls makes the game pretty horrid

Get ready to Bubble, and also possibly Bobble. 

The Long

I freaking love Bubble Bobble, on both the NES and the arcade. It's a fun, silly little game with a unique mechanic that you can play multiplayer, and while being extremely simple still maintains a level of difficulty that is endearing. I never beat it on the NES or Arcade (confession time!) but I did get pretty dang far, and I have lots of fond memories playing it at the Nicklecade with my wife when we were dating (and one of the controllers could only go left, which added a newfound level of strategy to the game)

So when I heard they were re-releasing an updated version on XBLA (which is essentially a port of the Wii remake a few years back) I was pretty pumped. Now I could play with my wife and engage in silly, stupid antics like we did back at the arcade! Without having to drive somewhere! Ah, the convenience of modern technology!

Except one fatal flaw: Bubble Bobble Neo! is totally broken. In the worst way possible. 

The new graphics are ok, but really lose the charm of the 8-bit sprites

Bubble Bobble (the original) was not an easy game, and at parts it wasn't a fair game. It was meant to lure you in with its cute and easy first couple levels, thinking your quarter was well spent, and then swiftly punches you in the face as the levels get trickier and harder. The general gist of the game is that you play a dinosaur that burps bubbles. With these bubbles (of which you can burp lots) you can use them to trap enemies, make small floating platforms to jump off of, and...that's basically it. The simple mechanic of making temporary platforms and jumping off them is pretty basic, but Bubble Bobble did a fine enough job of taking that and making a decent arcade game around it, designed to suck your money away.

The problem is this: they designed every single level around a specific control scheme. One Bubble Bobble Neo! completely and utterly breaks.

One main mechanic is the fact you have to have a slight range to burp out a bubble. If you burp it too close to a wall, it'll pop instantly. This distance comes into play in some levels, where you are put into a very small box with just barely enough room to get out. In the original game, with better bubble and horizontal controls, you could tap to simply turn around and not move. This made things a lot easier. 

Not so in Neo!

In this version, tapping an opposite direction also moves the character, which would be fine except there is only just enough space in the box that, with Neo!'s new mechanics, a bubble will work. Which means you can't ever just turn around without moving. Which makes it essentially near-impossible.

This isn't the level, but searching for Level 72 and you'll find plenty of irate fans. 

I know it sounds like a little thing, but when you design the entire game around a system and then don't bother to adapt the levels when you change the freaking controls and mechanics, it just straight up doesn't work. To say it's frustrating would be a huge understatement: it's completely and utterly maddening. How could they let this happen? Are they complete idiots? 

To make matters worse, this is an arcade game designed to eat quarters, but it gives you a limited number of lives and continues and often drops you off a few floors back. Seriously? Are you being dead serious with me here? I paid $10 for this game and you limit my continues? Wasn't the point of lives to begin with to suck quarters out of people so they could earn more money? You already have my freaking money. Plus, technically this means I have less freedom than the arcade, because in an Arcade I could just pump quarters in and never stop. When you hit a Continue screen in Bubble Bobble Neo! (which, thankfully, you have unlimited continues at least) it drops you back. Freaking crap. I should have infinite lives at all times and no continues, or at least the option for infinite lives. And if both me and a partner die we should just keep going, not have to Continue. I don't want to bag on Japanese game design, but this is total and utter garbage in this day and age, and I find it completely unacceptable. Paired with the piss-poor, uncaring control changes, I can't help but be completely infuriated at this game. 

No amount of bubble-burping will ease my pain in this. 

As for content, there is still a hefty amount here. You have several levels including the original arcade and a few other full modes, complete with secrets and warps to uncover and find. As a bonus you can play the game with four players (if you hate that many people) which turns a somewhat precise arcade game into total madness, which actually works a lot better. Though when you get stuck (and you will get stuck) you have four pissed off people rather than just one, but at least having more bubbles makes the game a bit easier. 

Actually, now that I think about it, it was when we were just having complete madness that I enjoyed the game the most. My wife and I actually beat the original mode, after having to YouTube half the solutions for this "improved" version, and then replayed about half of it with two other friends. It was stupid fun, and I glean some legitimate enjoyment from it. I then put the game down and never played it ever again, because it still sucked, but hey...something positive I guess.

It still has that perfect blend of competition and co-op while playing multiplayer that makes it fun. Sort of. 

Graphically it looks...decent. The updated the pixel art to low-rez sprites (much like TMNT: Turtles in Time Reshelled...isn't that an apt comparison?) which are ok and still maintain most of the charm, but ultimately didn't really do it for me. The updated music is really good at least, sounding modern while still retaining its original silliness. An option to switch back to the original graphics (or controls, gosh dang it) would have gone a long way in making this game work better for me, but sadly that is not the case. Also, as the stages were originally designed in 4:3, all the widescreen bits just add boring padding on either side. Snore. 

Bubble Armageddon! 

Before I hit the conclusion let me say this: Despite those levels where the game is completely and utterly broken, the rest of the game plays almost identical to the original version. It's still a fun, arcade style romp that you may or may not have fond memories of, and the majority of the levels still work decently despite the stupid control changes. It's just those few where everything goes horribly wrong that the irritation really sets in, and you wonder if anybody actually playtested this game past the first 50 levels. Maybe it was too hard for them or something. I guess that makes sense.

Anyway, point being this: you are better off getting a copy of Bubble Bobble on the NES for a few bucks more and just playing that. Or going to an arcade, spending a few quarters, and getting your fix there. Or pretty much anything else aside from this version. Sure, you'll have a decent amount of fun for a while, but once the massive problems start showing up (or if you want to, I dunno, ever beat the game) than the game becomes total garbage. It's too bad, seeing as all they had to do was basically re-release the original Bubble Bobble with the "enhanced" graphics and it would have worked. Just goes to show: don't try and "fix" something that doesn't need fixing.

Which reminds me I have a Silent Hill HD Collection review to get to. But that's for another time.

If you absolutely can't live without Bubble Bobble in your life and have no other options, I guess you gotta roll with Neo! But if not, pass it up. There was no care put into this product, and it shows. 

Two out of five stars. 

The game developers, after realizing they duped everybody into buying their "enhanced" version. 

Kirby's Epic Yarn

The Short


Pros
- Vibrant, charming adventure starring Kirby in Yarn World
- Simple 2D platformer across several varying worlds of adventure
- Kirby transforms into zany stuff at set intervals to mix up the gameplay
- Despite not having his trademark eating, still feels like a Kirby game
- Graphics and yarn aesthetic do a lot to sell the presentation
- Handful of secret levels to unlock and an apartment to furnish
- Music is pretty mellow and stuff
- Two-player co-op
- Excellent game for children

Cons
- Extremely easy; it is impossible to die
- Co-op suffers from the same issue as New Super Mario Bros Wii in that you can shove people off cliffs, pick them up and kill them on accident, etc.
- Despite being easy, it can get frustrating when you get hit and lose all your beats, especially in co-op
- Very, very short
- Kirby and Prince Fluff's voices are supposed to be cute, but they are more likely to make you want to put a cheese grater to your ears
- A bit too simple of a platformer; there's never any real dexterous challenge or build up to something harder

This is Kirby. And yes, he is made of yarn. 

The Long

Kirby's Epic Yarn is pretty damn adorable. To quote Alex from GiantBomb,"It makes me angry how f***ing much I enjoy this game!" Everything else aside, Kirby's Epic Yarn has an art style that is unique, endearing, and just straight up clever. Yeah, you could argue they aped a bit from Little Big Planet's "scrapbook" look, but while that was kind of a weird mishmash, Kirby knows what it wants and is dedicated to it. Kirby is made of yarn. In yarn world. Where even the water is cloth. Yeah. It's nuts.

AND REALLY ADORABLE URGH WHY.

Anyway, um, there was supposed to be a review here, so let's get to it. I played this whole game with my wife co-op, by the way, so if you want to see her opinion on the game she reviewed it on her blog as well, so check it out.

Clothing it up with a yarn monkey

So there's a story I guess...Kirby is sucked into Yarn Land for a reason and he's tasked with finding magic yarn for other reasons. The story is narrated as a slow-as-a-snail pace for the kiddies by an overly exaggerated excited narrator, which meant I skipped all of it. So if there was some extreme plot twist where Prince Fluff ended up being Kirby's dad or something I missed it. Sorry. You'll have to play it yourself. 

My version of the plot was: tear up every yarn thing, pull ever tab, and wreck everything until I got til the end with all the beads. Which worked out pretty good.

Since Kirby is made out of yarn and therefore is just a connected string, his trademark power to eat stuff and steal their abilities is oddly absent from this outing (making me wonder if this actually counts as a Kirby game). Instead you have the power to grab stuff and either kill it, or wrap it up and then lob it at other stuff. Pretty simple. 90% of enemies, regardless of size, can be grabbed, and if they can't than you can throw stuff at them or "butt-stomp" them to death easily enough. 

Pull zippers to dramatically change the landscape in real time! Call of Duty's got nothin on this!

It's a pretty simple platformer. You have a parachute hover (which of course means one thing: air vents in future levels). You have a butt-slam. You can double tap to go faster. Each movement is accompanied by a little yarn transformation, which is a cute touch. In fact, 90% of what sells this game is the cute touches. As seen from screenshots, you pull tabs to remove fabric, pull zippers to change landscapes, "unwind" from time to time to fit in small gaps, etc. It's all still like "Baby's First Platformer" (at least until the harder levels), but I'm fine with that.

You also can turn into some pretty awesome stuff and spread ruination to your enemies (who many of which can't even hurt you; seriously, you can jump all over them and ram into them and they just hang out. Ok.). These include miners, dolphins, UFOs (my favorite, since you "abduct" hapless enemies), a car, a surfer, and a giant robot hell-bent on one goal: global nuclear meltdown. 

Doom Robot Kirby ain't taking your bullcrap.

The "this is a kid's game" is only further accented by the fact you can't die. Like, at all. We tried, trust me. If you get hit all the beats you've accumulated come flying from you like fleas off a dog, and if you get hit when you don't have any beads Kirby just sort of slumps over depressed until the enemy gives you a pat on the back and everybody feels better. Seriously, that's it. Fall off a cliff and an angel will save you every time, get hit by fire and he'll turn black and burned but end up ok, etc. It is impossible to lose at this game. Which is actually a good idea, since the lives idea in games is total bullcrap anyway, and it just makes the player waste time they shouldn't. While this might be a step too far...it's for kids. So it works.

The bosses look awesome and yarn...ish. 

There's a fair number of worlds, with the final one (a yarned-up Dream Land from other Kirby games) easily being the standout, but they cover all their basics. You have your starting green fields, a fire/egyption one, a "Treat Land" which I pointed out over and over only has one level devoted to food (and no yodeling bass chef. Point for the food level goes to Rayman Origins), one in ice because a fire and ice level are mandatory for platformers, a space level, and a water level (again, mandatory). It's your basic stuff, and while they don't really mix up the gameplay by any serious amount between levels, it's easy and the levels are quick enough that you don't care.

The game also has co-op, which is fun...to a point. My wife can attest that on both this and New Super Mario Bros Wii we kind of have marital problems because I'm a lot better at platformers than her, and when that happens in games where 1. You can shove people of cliffs on accident and 2. You often grab the wrong people on accident and 3. You share point (meaning if I get a bunch of points and my wife gets hit, all my beads go flying) this becomes a problem. It wasn't a problem in Rayman Origins (yes, I sing that game's praises every 2D platformer review now. Maybe because it's really good; shut up) because everybody collected their own crap, but being able to accidentally shove people, pick them up and throw them (which happens a lot on accident) and more makes co-op arguably more difficult than single player. Nintendo still doesn't know how to do co-op in their 2d platformers, which is too bad, but whatever; it's a kid's game. If you aren't such a bead-hording, score-seeking a-hole like me you'll probably get over it and have a lot of fun co-op. 

Throw your partner into the pit of flame. Just like you did to your Companion Cube. You Monster. 

So it's a simple, 2D platformer with co-op and a cloth aesthetic. Is there anything else? Well...sort of? After you beat a stage boss if you did well enough on said boss you'll unlock three bonus stages for each level, which gives replayability. After each world you are scored based on the amount of beads you have, with the goal being Gold, so if you are OCD that's another reason to go back. You can also find tons of secret furniture to adorn your yarny apartment (though once you get the Brontosaurus Slide in the dino worlds you don't need any other piece of furniture...ever) and you can cash in your points for new cloth, furniture, and play crappy minigames with other people in your apartment.

This sounds like a lot of content, but to be honest you'll probably burn through this whole game in 6-7 hours tops, adding maybe another to it if you want to clean up and find every object and get gold on every stage. It's a short experience, at least with two adults, though kids might get stuck on the harder levels and add some more playtime value. Either way you cut it, though, it's more about the ride than the length, so just don't expect it to be super long and you'll be ok. 

This game really looks good.

Despite not being in HD, Kirby's Epic Yarn looks amazing. It doesn't need to push pixel density or hefty graphics to fit its cute and cuddly fabric theme, and it's just so gosh darned cute you'll be willing to forgive just about any technical shortcoming. My only complaint is I wish they took it further at times. Zippers show up a lot at the beginning and disappear later, with a lot of levels just being regular platforming levels set on a fabric backdrop but not utilizing their unique setting. Still, it looks cute, and thus we will take it.

Music is all extremely slow, mellow, with a very heavy emphasis on piano. None of the tracks are memorable, to be honest, but the "chill" feel fits well with the game. The only exception are the Dream Land stages, where they take regular Kirby themes and apply this mellow feel to them. Green Greens, aka the best Kirby song, just sounds awesome. It's weird, considering how insanely frantic the original GB song is, how this version still works. 

It sounds especially good starting at 0:39

Sound effects are...there. Kirby and Prince Fluff's constant obnoxious, high-pitched squeals are great for kids but for a jaded twenty-something I wanted to find a way to turn them off. But hey, it all depends on your "Japan cuteness" tolerance, so if it's high than you are set. 

Cloth dinosaurs. Game of the Year. 

I'll say this pretty frankly: if you have kids and a Wii, you should own Kirby's Epic Yarn. Yeah, it might not be the hardest platformer or the longest one, but that's because you are an adult. They made other games for you (called Super Meat Boy or Rayman...I won't bring it up again, you know what I'm getting at), but rarely does anybody create a game so obviously tailored directly towards children. It's a charming, inoffensive romp that's both cute and accessible, and the co-op makes it great for kids to either play together or with a parent. 

All that being said, the fact that it's short and I want to strangle Prince Fluff everytime he makes a sounds has me suggest you pick up this game when it's $25 or below. Which I'm pretty sure it is right now, so you are set. 

Four out of five stars. 

UFO KIRBY WILL ABDUCT YOU MWHAHAHA

Swords and Soldiers HD

The Short


Pros
- Simple to pickup 2D RTS game with a surprising amount of depth
- Play as three distinct races: Vikings, Aztecs, or Chinese
- Decent-length campaigns and challenges keep the value up
- Has a nice, cartoony look about it
- Story is inane stupidity that perfectly compliments the goofy visuals
- Balancing units, magic, mana, and gold can get complicated quick
- Surprisingly addicting, plays best on a tablet (Kindle Fire, in my case)

Cons
- Does look a bit like a glorified flash game
- Some levels can be unfairly difficult
- Computer/tablet versions don't have split screen multiplayer
- Voices get annoying pretty quick

Time for some silly slaughter

The Long

Swords and Soldiers, despite having perhaps the most unimaginative name in the world, is a surprisingly competent indie RTS. And while I say "RTS" I could also say it's a Tower Defense game, or even a Reverse Tower Defense game. It combines elements from all these genres, while still being both simple enough to easily be picked up by your mom, while complex enough that some genuine strategy is required. It's RTS-lite, on a 2D plain, and it makes for an excellent game to pass the time with (especially on your phone or tablet).

Vikings vs Aztecs? Fighting over BBQ sause? Alright...

The core goal of the game is simple: kill the other base. In order to do that, you'll have to build miners (who gather gold automatically from nearby gold mines), construct towers (on pre-determined spots), learn and use magic, and amass an army. There's about five distinct units for each civilization, and while that doesn't sound like a lot, they vary so differently that it's more than enough. You also have around four-five spells at your disposal, ranging from a poison bomb, a heal beam, or even summoning Thor's mighty hammer as a temporary tower. 

The strategy come with the fact that most of the game (aside from unit building and spells) is automatic. Constructed units will blindly run towards the other base (usually to the right in single player), attacking whatever they find along the way until they die. While there are a few paths that split and then rejoin, for the most part you are just sending people to their deaths en masse. Since units have cooldowns, you'll have to strategies which ones to send when, and then use magic to manipulate the order they arrive to battle. Be prepared for lots of units dying and plenty of wars of attrition as you try to outsmart and outmaneuver your equally competent enemies. 

The tech tree is limited, but it is enough. 

The main strategy comes with magic. As stated you have a moderately sized arsenal, but spells can easily turn the tie of power. A properly placed heal on a Viking berserker, for instance, can have him mowing down three or four units for the cost of his one. Hitting a group of enemy miners with a poison bomb can destroy the economy long enough to get a push in. Mind controlling a powerful unit can easily turn the tide of battle. Spells cost mana, which regens automatically (and can be upgraded to regen faster for gold), so you can't just spam spells and hope you'll win. There's a fine balance between when to use offensive and defensive magic, one Swords and Soldiers skirts very well. 

Stuff can get hectic real quick.

The game wouldn't work if it were unbalanced, and luckily Swords and Soldiers pulls a Starcraft and balances its unique trio of civilizations perfectly. Vikings tend to be slower, more expensive, but also more powerful. Aztecs use unique unit abilities like poison, raising skeletons, or units that rush to overwhelm. And the Chinese have multiple immunities as well as cheap AOE damage, making them quite formidable as well. It's a good balance, and since the single-player campaign has you switch between the three of them, you can test them all and see which best suits you. 

The PSN and Wii versions have single-box multiplayer, which is cool. 

The single-player is hearty and has plenty for you to do before you'll get bored of it. On the Wii and PS3 (the PS3 has Move support) you can play single-screen multiplayer, which is great, but I don't have that version so I can't attest to its quality (I'm assuming it's mad fun based on the single player). Tablet and phone versions as well as the PC version don't support this, unfortunatly, though the PC version does have online multiplayer through Steam. 

Graphically the game's comedic, cartoony style is vibrant, endearing, and fun to look at. While I will admit it does look a bit like a high-end flash game, I'm willing to forgive it because of its zany art style and colorful cast of unique characters. Music and sounds are decent, though I got really sick of hearing the "I looooooove gold!" voice from the Viking miners whenever you build them. 

For an asking price of $10, Swords and Soldiers is worth looking into.

I personally picked up this game from the (currently going) Humble Indie Bundle for Android II, which you can get this one for beating the minimum. I heartily suggest getting it, especially if you have an Android device. It plays really well on my Kindle Fire (finally! Something to use that stupid Kindle Fire for!) and the touch-screen controls feel much more tactile than the mouse and keyboard ones (and I'd imagine playing it with a controller or Wii-Mote would be a bit harder). It's a very simple game that gets complex (the best kind!) and its charm and fine-tuned balance certainly sell it. For a normal going rate of $10 on the consoles (and with added single-seat multiplayer) I'd say to certainly give it a look. 

Four out of five stars. 

I will only play as the Vikings. Why? RED BEARDS.