Viking: Battle for Asgard

The Short


Pros
- Visceral and bloody, hits feel heavy and register as such. Satisfying combat
- One-on-one combat gets very complex and deep by the end
- Takes ideas for many sources and combines them in a unique way
- Above-average graphics, quick loading times
- The water graphics look super snazzy
- Open world viking game combined with an adventure game and a massive battle game
- Surprisingly good stealth options
- No penalty for death; simply respawns you at the warp point
- Case sleeve is super shiny!
- Super cheap now (~$5 at Gamestop, used)

Cons
- Tries to do lots of things, but does them all only decently
- Battles against multiple enemies are a massive pain
- Short, but the game still feels too long
- One of the worst and unfair final boss fights I've ever played
- Cheap enemies/deaths near the end
- That easy respawn/checkpoint system can screw you over at times
- Feels like it could have been great, is only mediocre

That guy's not going to walk that off

The Long


Viking: Battle for Asgard is a difficult game to sum up in just a few paragraphs. Created by Creative Assembly, the group behind the fantastic Total War RTS games on PC, it is an attempt to blend genres and present something both unique and familiar to gamers. On paper, this game covers many unique ideas. You adventure in a world similar to Fable, questing in caves and towers and fighting battles in camps and open fields. As you go about you liberate captives in various camps (for example, liberating imprisoned vikings in a lumberyard or stone quarry) by either bashing your way in or sneaking in and busting them out (and getting to watch with satisfaction as your recently-freed companions murder all the baddies). After you gather enough troops and siege machines, the game switches to a massive-battle simulator, where you fight alongside hundreds of allies and enemies in these huge fights that basically are giant wars of attrition. Stacked onto that is a deep one-on-one combat system, a hefty amount of stealth (especially if you want to get all the achievements/trophies), loads of sidequests, and tons of secrets (in the form of cash money) to find.

On paper, this sounds like a dream. In form, however, it falls a distance short of its lofty intentions.

Viking starts this forte into mediocrity with its worst foot forward, specifically the early-game combat. At the beginning of the game you only have two moves: a weak strike (which is surprisingly slow and clunky) and a strong strike (which is more slow and clunky). You also have the (awesome) option of performing an instant-kill finisher if you are lucky to lop off any limbs of your enemies (which leads to me abusing this in the later levels). At the start, that's all you get: a weak, a strong, and a finisher. No jump combinations, no parrying, no block (as far as I could find at first), no button combinations, nothing. The combat is clunky, extremely difficult (I played through the whole game on Hard) and really obnoxious.

At the start, even one dude can seriously mess you up

After doing a handful of starter quests, the game allows you to buy moves from a move trainer (who won't shut up about Valhalla), and after that the game's combat gets...pretty fun, actually. It is still quite difficult, with enemies being particularly relentless and dealing high damage (again, playing on Hard; on Normal they drop health on death. On Hard they only drop health if you yourself are near death). But unlike at the beginning, you are quickly given more and more tools by which to counteract. You get a specials system, where you spend points gained by landing successful hits to strike with special moves. You get magic (which you only should use Ice, by the way; two hit insta-kills on just about everything including the boss-like Champions) which makes the annoying enemies more manageable. Just as they get shields, you get shield-smashing moves. The escalation works pretty well, and I'm reminded more of games like Devil May Cry or Bayonetta rather than God of War, if only because your damage never really goes up, just your options. So you have to actually get better at the game in order to take full advantage.

Another Bayonetta/DMC similarity is the fact there is no XP gain in the game. Killing enemies gains you nothing save progression towards Achievements or the fact that you won't have to deal with that jerk again (which isn't true either; I'd had people respawn in areas that I'd killed just a few minutes before). Money is acquired by finding random bags of cash that are everywhere in the world (you can buy maps that put them easily on your minimap, making treasure hunting a cinch and strangely satisfying), but killing dudes...nothing. At least it's brutal, I guess. 

And it is brutal. Arms, legs, torsos, heads...this dude isn't afraid to lop stuff off. You are fighting agents of Hel, the goddess who is pissed off at your goddess, Freja, and they basically look like your guys only blue and sort of uglier. Yeah, great character design. There's also some plot going on that was completely boring and uncomplying, which is too bad because Viking mythology is some of the most interesting I've come in contact with. They also don't mine the mythological creatures bank as well as games like God of War; you basically just fight dudes, bigger dudes, and giants (which are, honestly, bigger bigger dudes). So expect tedium to kick in during the second of the three main areas you'll be liberating throughout the game.

Making an army and watching them kill stuff is pretty awesome. Too bad actually playing it isn't fun at all. 

So the general point of the game is to liberate these camps which, once you free them, their leaders force you to do some sort of fetch quest before they'll follow you. Yes, it isn't enough that I had to fight my way through like forty crazy enemies and a freaking champion in order to free your stupid vikings, you still want me to go recover your secret recipe from some random shack before you'll help me overthrow your oppressors. Awesome. This maybe would have worked if every other settlement I liberated (and there are lots) had required it, but when every single one in the whole stupid game requires me to run somewhere, pick something up, and then run back I feel like I'm just wasting my time. 

Once you have your army assembled it's time to kick Hel's dudes out of your main fort. Most islands have two you have to conquer in order to clear the area. Two forts, three islands equals six big battles. And let me tell you, that's about five battles too many.

The general idea behind battles is simple. You have a bunch of infinitely spawning dudes. They have a bunch of infinitely spawning dudes. Since you are the one dude who actually has a brain, you have to go murder their spawners (called "Druids"). Once you kill enough of them, you move a little into their fort/city/whatever it is you are taking over and repeat it. Do this about 4-5 times and you'll fight a boss (which is usually just a champion with a different model) and you've won. Hooray!

Except not hooray. While these battles are cool, the biggest issue with Viking rears its ugly head here: you have no moves for group fights. All your moves are designated for one-on-one battles. So, when you are out adventuring and have to fight only one to three guys at a time, usually you can manage. When you are surrounded by fifty enemies and none of your stupid soldiers bothered to follow you to kill the druid, things get frustrating very fast.

Luckily the game offers no penalty for dying, aside from having to respawn a distance away. The same goes for the adventuring part: if you die, you spawn back at your home base teleporter, ready to warp away and give it another shot. This helps with some of the frustration, but after I died 5-6 times trying to kill the same stupid druid on the final battle, I was ready to call it quits. In fact, I began dreading the army battles, since I'd much rather run around the world killing people in fair fights rather than endure those awful group fiascos. 

You DO summon some dragons to fight for you, making this game pretty much a reverse Skyrim

Something neat, however, is how the game does stealth. Yes, that massive burly viking you see in the screenshots and on the box is actually pretty dang good at sneaking up on people. Essentially how it works is this: the minute you are near enemies, your character will go into an automatic crouch so long as he hasn't been seen. This little feature also doubles as a great way to know when enemies are nearby. So long as you aren't seen, you can sneak up on enemies and (when you buy the move) do a MIGHTY LEAP from a good distance away for an insta-stealth kill that is really satisfying. If you aren't seen after that, you can keep on stealth killing to your heart's content.

A lot of game sites dissed the stealth, probably because it was really simple and sort of tacked on. But I honestly thought it was one of the best parts of the game. Before you invade the enemy forts you can actually go inside them (and they'll be chock full of bad guys) and sneak around. There are secret skulls that are impossible to find without a guide (but necessary if you want all the Achievements) that require you to sneak around this really well guarded fort, stealth killing people and being super careful. These parts are difficult but quite well designed; the forts are laid out in such a way that there is usually a clear path through them, and if you are sneaky you can get through undetected. It's surprisingly satisfying.

Probably the reason why I liked the stealth so much (tangent here...) is the reason most stealth games bug me is the fact that in these games your character is totally useless when he isn't in stealth. Get seen even once and enemies will blow you away. Another annoyance is the fact that your character might not sneak when you want him too, or pop out from behind something stupidly (like no secret agent would) and then proceed to get gunned down.

Viking fixes these problems by giving you a badass viking to play as. If I got caught it was annoying but ok; my guy fought these guys normally out in the world and so I was more than capable of taking them down. He was always in stealth if it was possible, automatically sneaking so long as he hadn't been seen. Stealth kills are easy and can be done from a distance away without worry; a big button prompt pops up when you can get an insta-kill, and the game strikes a good balance between smart enemies and a fair difficulty. These were my favorite parts of the game, and they were optional.

That HUD looks exactly like God of War. What a surprise. 

The last major issue I had with the game is the final boss. Now, I can rant and rave about this for hours, but I'll try to keep myself contained. Basically how it works is like thus: you have to destroy four totems of power (or something) in order to lower a flame barrier surrounding Hel so you can kill her. The totems are each in their own little section of the room, and between them are big flames you can't walk through. Enemies will continuously spawn FOREVER until these totems are blown up, and then the middle flames will lower and you can fight Hel for realses. 

Sounds decent on paper, but in concept it's awful, especially on Hard. The flame walls between the totems go on and off randomly, and are only off for a short time. Since it is completely random (I found no discernable pattern) when they drop, you could miss one entirely, or have one totem left that is right next to you and the stupid fire blocking you will never go down ever. Remember: during this time the game is continuously spawning groups of four progressively harder enemies, and remember above where I said the group combat is total balls? 

You resort to knocking enemies with your push move into the fire and praying that they die. Since they each can take off 1/6 - 1/4 of your heath in one swoop, and the game provides three healing potions that go away if you die and reload the checkpoint, you have to basically do a perfect run. Needless to say, it is frustrating. 

As an added bonus, after you blow up the totems it doesn't let you fight the boss right away. I had to fight through another 5-10 minutes of infinite spawns, praying I didn't get killed, before finally the game let me fight the final boss. It was tedious, unfair, and incredibly frustrating. I seriously only finished because beating the game would give me every Achievement in the game, and I didn't want to quit so close to completion. It was one of the worst gaming experiences of my life. 

Seriously, Hel, you are the worst.

But even before that Viking is just a game that is "ok." The ideas are unique, but repetition quickly grinds them into the ground. The overall feel of the game is good, but never strives to be exceptional like games like God of War. The main bullet points on the box (the group battles, exploration, etc) are decent at best, and the whole thing just feels like it was rushed out the door. Despite all this, I did play it pretty fervently for a weekend, and actually put aside other games in order to finish it. It's an easy 1000 for Achievement hunters (if you can beat that stupid final boss), and the visceral combat actually made up for a lot.

Overall? For the current $5 asking price, I'd say that's fair. I wouldn't pay more than $10 for it, though, and that's only if you are an action junkie and you've already beaten Gears of War, Bayonetta, Devil May Cry, and all those other, better action games. If I were to give it a star rating, it would be 2 out of 5. 

Also, I made it through this whole review without a "Viking: Battle for Ass-guard" joke, though oh wait I just said one there CRAP. 

Eternal Sonata

This game comes with a story. My first entry into next-gen gaming was with the Xbox 360, and it happened a few months after I got married. When we picked up the system a Gamestop was having a "Buy 2 get 1 free" sale on all used games. So, in an attempt to pick up games to best justify our next-gen purchase, we bought Ninja Gaiden 2, Infinite Undiscovery, and Eternal Sonata.

Now, for those who want to know: Infinite Undiscovery is awful, and while there are plenty of fans of Ninja Gaiden, I never got into it (I love Devil May Cry, God of War, and Bayonetta, but Ninja Gaiden never really took off for me). Out of all three of these games, Eternal Sonata is the only one we still own after who knows how many trade-ins later.

That's because the game is pretty damn good.

This is a pretty game.

But let me add one more thing: I've only played this game co-op. It has the option for up to two other people to be given control of whomever is in the second or third character slot. Which means my wife always played the second player, while I did the first and the third. Considering how very few JRPGs implement co-op (the Tales games are the only others I can think of), this is a rare treat.

Unlike the Tales games, however, where co-op just turns into a massive mess, the co-op in Eternal Sonata actually works very well.

The game follows all the JRPG trappings. You have your main characters who are like 14-16 years old but look like they are 12. You have your 30 year old who is the "old" person. You have melodrama aplenty and insanely dumb costumes. Attacks are flashy, translations are spotty, and the voice actors couldn't ham it up more if they tried.

Beat's voice is the bane of my existence. Actually, whenever anybody opens their mouths I want to punch them. 

So it's a good thing the underlying gameplay is really fun. Basically the gist is that you initiate battles by seeing an enemy on the field (like pretty much any JRPG that doesn't use random battles). Once in, you take turns. You are given time to plan, time to move, and time to attack. You can either do normal attacks or unleash more powerful special abilities (which can be higher damage, area attacks, or healing). There's no mana to deal with (thank goodness) and the game starts straightforward.

Things get complicated fast, however. As the game progresses you can "level up" your method of play. You are always able to go back to the first one (where you have unlimited "tactical" time, lenient movement time and mucho attack time), but on the flip side you miss out on the advantages. Higher levels mean the game starts tracking your "chains" (as indicated by the stars on the lower right screenshot). If a character uses a special attack after a higher chain has preceded him, he'll do more damage. But you might lose some (or eventually) all of your tactical time.

It gets crazier. By the end you can chain specials together if you have a 24 combo or higher, and then you can chain them between characters, meaning everybody can get their specials off in one fell swoop. At that point the game starts rearranging what the buttons (represented at the bottom of the screen) do, leading to you being totally confused.

During the enemies turn you can block or counter, which is a must on a second playthrough (where everything is substantially tougher). You also have to use the advanced method of play or you'll just get stomped. Honestly, the game isn't very hard the first time through, but the second batch is so amazingly unfair against you it makes it worth it. Prepare to be tested.

That's a totally good choice of an outfit to go into battle with.

Another high point, besides the absolutely gorgeous art design (all cell shaded and with a very bright color pallet; it looks phenomenal on an HDTV) is the soundtrack. The game...

Wait...did I really forget to say what this game's absurd story is about? Huh. Well, let's do that then.

Basically Fredrick Chopin (as in, the famous pianist) is on his deathbed with the fever (which is how he died. HISTORICALLY ACCURATE JRPG). Apparently in the last moments of his life Chopin dreamed of a world full of anime characters with names like "Polka," "Beat," and "Viola." He then went on an adventure with them in this weirdly musical world that ended up getting odder and odder until it basically degenerated into total insanity. Also, there are glowing creatures called "agogos" that...do something. I honestly don't remember much about the story except it was more like Chopin's acid trip, which it might have very well been.

Anyway the game cuts every once and a while from his hallucination to him dying in bed, and even shows you some powerpoint slides about his life as if they somehow will tie into the next part of the story. Yes, really. Like school.

The point being that, considering this is a game about freaking Chopin, who is easily one of my favorite composers, it makes sense that the music in the game is really, really good. Lots of calm pieces with a heavy emphasis on piano, as well as a few variations on actual Chopin pieces. It fits the light, colorful mood of the game, and also never really gets old. The battle theme will be stuck in my head for the rest of my life.
(this is one hell of a final boss song)

And again, the whole thing can be played two or three player, which makes it a great wife/girlfriend game. Though if you play through it a second time, do yourself a favor and skip all the cutscenes. Seriously, these characters are maddening. 


Though as an aside, I will admit the things they say before, after, and during battles are just so completely ridiculousness I can't help but laugh at them. Having an anime version of Fredrick Chopin (complete with top hat and fighting with a freaking baton) shout "You soulless creatures!" every time he attacks is so off-the-wall freaking absurd I can't help but laugh at it. Paired up with the other things people yell (the main character, Allegretto, has a habit of shouting "Go and wash yourself up!" every time he wins, spawning a new in-joke between me and my wife ["Go and jump up and down!" "Go and eat an banana!"]), battles can get a little...obnoxious, but the underlying game is good enough to prevent you from tearing your hair out.

Overall, Eternal Sonata is certainly worth looking into if you (or a significant other) are a fan of JRPGs. It's pretty, fresh, and has a battle system that can be as complex as you want it to be. Considering this game is now technically "really old," you can pick it up for next to nothing.

Oh, and the PS3 version apparently has two additional characters and has a slightly better framerate (it is noticeable during certain flashy battle effects), but I haven't actually played it. I'd say get it on whatever system you want; the differences aren't big enough to make anybody worry about it.

If I gave a star rating, it would be Four out of Five.

If I gave a price, I'd say buy it at $40 or below (you can get it for $20 just about anywhere).

Super Meat Boy

Note: This is a reprint of a review I wrote for GamesDailyDeals.com. Because of this, the formatting might be a little different.


One of the biggest XBLA indie games of the year, Super Meat Boy is an exceptional example of difficult gameplay done perfect. It is easily a must-buy for the system. 

 What did you love about the game? :
 - Perfect controls
 - Fantastic, 8-bit soundtrack
- Funny nods to older game series
- Dozens of hours of content (300+ levels, with more coming all the time)

 What did you hate about the game?
 - Exceptionally hard
- Some saving glitches can nuke all your progress (these have since been patched)

Retro levels are appropriately hard and have rockin 8-bit music

Graphics – 9

 Super Meat Boy keeps the graphics simple. The graphics would, in most situations, fit perfectly on the SNES or Nintendo DS, with a colorful palette of 16-bit graphics and fluid animations. While minimal, it works best for the game, as the gameplay requires minimal distractions aside from the obstacles in your path.

The game also makes several great nods to older games, via "Warp Zones." These can change the style to many types: old green/brown Game Boy, NES, Atari 2600, and more. The graphics in these sections look authentic to the period and add to the already exceptional charm of the game. Team Meat put TONS of detail into this game. Whenever you die, Meat Boy explodes in a bundle of blood over what killed you (saw, needles, etc.). The blood will, in fact, stay there until you at last beat the game as a reminder of your previous struggle (and inevitable failure). It's a great touch, and beating a level with your guts fully in Meat Boy rather than all over some saw-blades adds to the euphoria of the accomplishment.

Music - 9


 

The soundtrack is easily one of the highlights of an already exceptional game. Especially the hospital music (which I've linked above, every tune is quite catchy and has a combination of modern synth and old-school chiptune. Every song has a "Dark World" variant, as well as an "8-bit" variant based on the warp zone (and trust me, hearing these great songs as they might come out of the NES...completely classic).

 All sound effects are great too, from the fact that Meat Boy has a squishy-sounding run, to that damned "goosh!" sound whenever your pulpy body gets mashed by saws. But the music is still, certainly, the star of the show here.

Good luck. 

Gameplay – 10 

 Speaking of stars of the show, gameplay is where Super Meat Boy truly shines. In its most basic sense, Super Meat Boy is a platformer, akin more to games like N+ than Super Mario Brothers. You can move only left and right, with a button (either X or the Right Trigger) to sprint and A to jump. That, in a nutshell, is the controls. Sounds simple? You'd be right...until about the sixth level. There are many other factors. Meat Boy can cling to walls and wall-jump, giving him much needed "climbing" capabilities. He can change direction mid-air. He can also differentiate from "sprinting" and "not-sprinting" in mid-air (a trick that took me a while to discover, but very well changed the game when I did).

You are going to need to completely perfect these controls if you are to master the game's almost-impossible levels. I'll admit, the controls first felt a bit loose to me. Meat Boy, being made of meat, can slide a little further than you might think both on his jumps and wall-grabs. Wall-jumping can take a while to get used to it. However, after about thirty minutes in I had the game down, and that was about the time I started getting good at Super Meat Boy. If the controls weren't so perfect, this game would be an unfair mess of infuriating, impossible situations.

However, since you know you can beat every level, each tangle of saw-blades and precision-required jumps becomes a surmountable challenge. Every level can be beaten, and every level can be beaten using the default character (Meat Boy). Even if you die hundreds of times on a single level (and believe me, you will), you'll keep coming back because you know it is possible. Whenever you fail, it's your fault, and that only steels your resolve to go further.

The game also has a plethora of bonus characters. Some are unlocked through warp zones (such as Kid from I Wanna Be the Guy), while other are unlocked by collecting optional "Bandages" found in each level (such as Tim from Braid). Each character plays completely differently, but the game is still designed that every character can beat each and every level in the game. If that isn't game design dedication, I don't know what is.

Something to keep in mind however: despite my perfect gameplay score, this game is not for everybody. It is relentlessly difficult the further you progress, to the point where you'll probably be screaming cuss-words at your TV. However, if you keep practicing, you will get better, and there is no greater sense of accomplishment than at last smoking one of those impossible levels with par time. I'd still suggest you try the demo first. If you like what you see, don't hold back.

Commander Video can make some areas easier. 

Lasting Appeal – 10

 300+ Levels.
 A good dozen characters to unlock.
 Light AND Dark World Variants of almost every level. Lots of tough bosses.
 Hidden Warp Zones and "Glitched Cartridge" Areas to Unlock.
More content sent free via "internet comedy attempt Internets," a distribution service that bypasses XBLA's usual "charge for DLC" standard (it already has 20 near-impossible levels already up!)
 All this for only 800 MS Points ($10).

 You'll keep coming back to this game for months until you beat it, months after to conquer the Dark World, and months past that to stomp all the DLC they release. Finding all the secrets, unlocking new characters, and proving your gamer awesomeness by finally passing that one level with the impossible jump you've been stuck on for hours makes this game one that will consume all your free time.

 There is hardly a better game deal on all of XBLA. In a world where we pay $60 for 5-6 hour single player games, Super Meat Boy is a veritable steal at its budget price.

 Final Comments

I am this close to calling Super Meat Boy my game of the year for 2010 (beating out Enslaved, but Rock Band 3 hasn't come out yet so the jury is still out [Editor's Update Note: I'm going to call Nier as my game of 2010, so there you go]). But what I will say is this: Super Meat Boy could be this generation's Super Mario Bros. Yes, I went there. With perfect controls, tons of content, a charming aesthetic and killer music, this really is the gem in XBLA's crown, and an achievement for the two (!!) developers who consist of Team Meat.

 And it's only $10, so what are you waiting for? Hurry up and grab it!

 Category Scorecard
Graphics 9
Sound 9
Gameplay 10
 Lasting Appeal 10


If I gave a star score, it would be five out of five. If I could recommend a buying price, it would be $15 (full price on steam, I think)

Cursed Loot

Cursed Loot is the re-naming of the indie game Epic Dungeon, which I bought back during the "Indie Games Revolution" last year. For those who already guessed it: Yes, this is an Xbox Live Indie game, not an XBLA game or a retail release. I actually was on the fence buying Cursed Loot because I already had Epic Dungeon. Then I realized the game was a freaking doller and was being updated frequently, had tons of extra content, and I was being retarded. So I bought it, did a run-through, and now I'm reviewing it.

You have nine skills to choose from, five passive and four active. 

Cursed Loot is basically Diablo II light. As in, extremely light. A lot of things are automatic, from attacking (just hold a direction and your dude will bash until either he or an enemy is dead), picking up loot, etc. It also keeps things simple with only a handful of potions, no mana (all skills are simply cooldown based) and no real complex strategies when dealing with enemies. You'd think this would make it a dumb game. But it actually is one of the best indie games on the platform, and makes for a great little RPG experience if you have an hour or so to burn.

You start the game picking a class, which basically just means one of the five main skills will be "focused," meaning you'll get double points if you choose to invent in it. Each has a maximum of 10 points, and four are active while the middle on (regenerate health) is passive. They are all mapped to the face buttons and each have their own cooldown, which means it's smart to get one level of ice and then never level it again (since all four are unique in cooldown, you can essentially spam them).

After that it's off to questing. As said before the entire experience is streamlined, but that doesn't mean it loses all it's depth. You are trying to get through 50 levels and death is permanent, but the game is kind enough that when you run through again you can actually see your failures and pick up some of your old gear (a nice touch).

Since the game has a good balance of automation and manual control, combined with the fact every floor is just the right size between large and small (complete with enemies, traps, and loot), it makes for a great game to play through for 30 minutes and leave (you can beat it on easy in about an hour to an hour and a half).

The game also has it's own in-game achievements system, and unlike "real" achievements these give you slight bonuses when you start a new game. They carry over, which means you can start a bit buffer the more you play, which (when paired with the quick, addicting gameplay) makes for great replay value despite the game being very simple.

Secret rooms full of cash money? Yes please. 

The game also has very quick level ups, with every five or so giving you a skill point, while the rest raise your stats. It also keeps it simple with only four stats (Attack, Defense, Dex, and Luck) which is nice. The "play through and throw it away" approach means you don't worry about building your character wrong, and if you do the next level is only a stone's throw away.

At $1, I really can't not recommend this game enough. It's updated frequently with new loot, classes, and abilities. It plays quick and fast and looks fantastic with it's retro 16-bit feel, while still playing very modern.

My only complaint is the music. While it isn't awful, there's essentially only two songs, and even for two hours they start wearing on you. They also aren't the greatest songs ever; I think this game would do great with some 8-bit chiptunes a-la the NES Castlevanias. But hey, you can always turn the music off and just crank something else if it really gets to you.

I'd also like to see, maybe in future updates or a new game release, a bit more depth or perhaps more levels of the dungeon. Not enough new stuff to break the "grab and go" feel of the game, but adding more tricks, etc. would certainly help. They've done it already, adding a platforming part for gold and some silly side-adventures (I bought the game at launch so re-playing it with all these new updates had been a treat), but slight complexities added to the core gameplay to those who want it would be nice.

As it stands, if I gave score ratings and based on the gameplay itself I'd give it a four out of five, but considering the price is freaking $1, I highly suggest everybody go pick it up if you have an Xbox. Seriously. It's a freaking buck.

Fruit Ninja Kinect

My life loves our iPod Touch, and I can't blame her. There's tons of games coming out for the thing, and when $5 is considered "pricey," I know the system is going to stay well within our price range.

Fruit Ninja was a popular game I actually never bought, but I played the "Lite" version (essentially a demo). It costs $1 but even then I was too cheap to get it, gleaning enough satisfaction from the score-limited demo.

Well, we picked up The Gunstringer today, because I will support literally everything Twisted Pixel puts out because they are totally awesome. And it just so happened to come with a code for a free copy of Fruit Ninja Kinect. Expect a Gunstringer review once I beat it, but after my wife and I put in about two hours of Fruit Ninja Kinect (combined), I think I've got enough information to throw down a review.

A pixel theme, which I will never unlock because I'm not good enough. 

Normally this game runs for $10, and is the first Arcade Kinect game. Which is good, because the Kinect has really been barren since its release in terms of games. Basically you have Dance Central, Child of Eden, and...um...Kinect Sports? We own a fitness game too but we never use it. I'd say my wife has gotten our money's worth out of it just through the hours she's spent in Dance Central, but it's still sad to see such promising hardware being abandoned.

Well anyway now we have Fruit Ninja Kinect, a game which costs 10x as much on the Xbox as it does on the iPhone. So is it worth it?

Well...yes and no. My opinion is biased because I technically got it for free (and for free it's a great deal). The game also has a pretty hefty amount of content. There are a large amount of unlocks that can cosmetically change the game: change the slash-colors or patterns, change your "shadow" that is always in the background so you can know where you are cutting, or change the background itself. These are gotten by doing crazy feats (like cutting all strawberries and only strawberries in a level) or not so crazy ones (like cutting 100 bananas over the course of your Fruit Ninja career). This offers a good deal of playability (also having an achievement for cutting 10,000 fruit means they expect you to be in it for the long haul) and incentive to come back.

But that being said, there is really only a few modes, and all these revolve around the same thing: cutting fruit with your hands. Which would be fine, if not for two key problems.

Co-op is a blast, except you'll probably hit your neighbor in the face. We did. A lot. 

First, several modes require a precision you just can't accomplish with the Kinect like you could with a multi-touch screen. Classic involves hitting fruit while not cutting bombs. Hit a single bomb, or miss cutting three fruit, and it's over. The problem is that after a short amount of time the game just goes crazy with fruit and bombs. This works on the iPhone where you have relatively precise controls, but on the Kinect you'll find yourself cursing because of dumb mistakes.

Second is that the slice is finicky, except when it isn't, except when it is. Basically you have to swing your hand a certain distance before it'll start counting it as a "slice" (to prevent small movements from registering, I'd assume). The issue is you can start, say, in the upper corner trying to cut fruit. The cut won't start until about half an arm's length after you start swiping. It also doesn't always line up from where you think your hand will be and where the game thinks it will be relative to the fruit. If this sounds confusing: it is. Basically it makes most players' intuitive hand cutting motions not always work, because unless you give yourself a buffer to start you'll not get the cut in time. This, paired with the above, makes for a lot of cheap failures (and in a game that requires precision for combos, it also makes getting high scores frustrating).

It's fun once you figure it out, but the lack of precision is a big problem. 

All that aside, however, I had a fun time with Fruit Ninja Kinect, but it certainly wasn't $10 fun. Kinect owners are probably getting desperate and will pick this up just because it's a game that works with their Kinect, but I highly suggest waiting until it's $5 (or better yet, grabbing it with The Gunstringer, which is an awesome game). The fact that most of the achievements are score based only adds to the frustration.

One final point, though, is that the co-op mode (where you can either compete or work together) is a stinking blast and a laugh riot. I'm also going to assume this game is totally great with kids (we shall test this in the near future on nieces and nephews), because those not obsessed with scores can take pleasure in just chopping up fruit with their hands (complete with satisfying splatters).

If I had a star rating, I'd give it three out of five. If I had a recommended buy price, it would be $5 (or free with The Gunstringer)

Shadows of the Damned

One could argue Resident Evil 4 brought about the next-gen beginning of the third person shooter genre, and Gears of War solidified it as a solid action game.

Shadows of the Damned is a third person shooter. You press a trigger to aim, you can dash around, and you have an assortment of weapons and you look over the shoulder. But it is completely different from any other third-person shooter you've played. Mostly because it's chock full of dick jokes.

WARNING: This is a M rated game for lots of immature humor, violence, and other stuff, so this review will probably reference that fact. I'll try to remain as tasteful as possible, but I mean...this game has a gun called the "Boner." I don't even know how to spin that.

The game is actually a combination of a "dream team" of sorts for Japanese horror/weird games. Sudo51, well known for his bizarre Killer 7 and the No More Heroes series on the Wii, is at the helm, and Shinji Mikami, creator of the Resident Evil and Devil May Cry games. Even Akira Yamaoka, composer of the fantastic soundtracks from the Silent Hill games jumped onboard, adding his talent to the already all-star developers.

What they made was a profane, wickedly funny, and quite clever shout out to the B-horror movies of the 80s and 90s. The game is very much the Evil Dead of video games (and even has a chapter called "As Evil as Dead"), down the the goofyness and stupidity that made those movies classic.

That's one way to stun a demon. 

What is different, however is the influence of Sudo51's toilet humor, which takes the already strange package and just knocks it into the next level.

Garcia "F***ing" Hotspur (that's how he introduces himself) is a demon hunter. But apparantly he's pissed off one too many demons, because Fleming, lord of the underworld, kidnaps his girlfriend Paula and sucks her down to hell. Hotspur leaps in after him, obviously, and all sorts of zany and crazy things happen.

First off, the dick jokes, which is what you want to know about. There are a sizeable amount (pun intended? Gah, now I'm doing it). This is mostly because Hotspur has a hilariously un-profane (he goes out of his way to say "fudge" or "poop" instead of actual cuss words) floating skull former demon named Johnson. Yes, Johnson. He actually reminded me a lot of Bob from the Dresden Files, considering it was a flaming talking skull demon with a british accent. Johnson and Hotspur play off each other wonderfully, and their banter is probably one of my favorite parts about the game.

You know, aside from all the jokes about the male anatomy.

Garcia Hotspur and his Johnson. That...came out wrong. 

Johnson transforms into the various guns (or a torch) that Hotspur uses. These guns have timeless names like the "Boner," "Hot Boner," "Big Boner," "Teether," "Dentist," "Skullfest 9000," and "Skullcussioner" to name a few. In truth, however, you really only have three guns that get sizeable upgrades throughout the game. You have your standard heavy-hitting, slow shooting pistol; your machine gun that eventually gets the ability to lock on; and a shot gun slash grenade launcher. The shotgun gets an upgrade near the end that creates a giant bouncing exploding skull which you use (aside from killing dudes) to go bowling, play a giant demonic game of plunko, and plenty of other stupidities.

Garcia is an awesome protagonist. We need more Hispanic characters in games. 

Yes, this game is really weird. But it is also really good.

After you get used to the fact that the cursor isn't always in the middle of the screen when aiming (which makes the first few hours hard, even for those who are familiar with these types of games) the game is actually a very competent third person shooter. You have the option to dodge at any time which, among other things, seems to make you temporarily invincible if you time it just right. This (as well as the ability to move and shoot; suck it Resident Evil 5) means that even though Garcia sometimes moves like a tank, I never died because I thought the game was being cheap.

And the game is cheap. More than once I was yelling at the screen because of an unfair hit, or because he'd reloaded instead of finishing an enemy off. Thought that isn't my biggest problem with the game.

The biggest issue the how linear it is, and to a fault. Like Singularity (expect a review of that soon) when doors close behind you, you can never go back through them. So if you mess up or forget something, or go through a door that you don't think is advancing the plot but in fact it is, then you are just SOL. It checkpoints, and there is no way back. This is completely infuriating at times, especially when you know you missed a secret, but now there's no way to fix it. Lack of a chapter select or new game plus only exacerbates this fault.

But the game manages to swing past these faults by being wickedly clever, and having a distinct sense of style that you totally buy into. Suda51 is famous for being weird but also having everything fit together perfectly, and Shadows of the Damned has a theme and a style and sticks to it. It's sort of a...hispanic hell mixed with general demonic weirdness...in the city, with offensive jokes. I really can't think of any other way to go about describing this; you have to play it.

This is exactly what you think it is

One final note about the humor: I'm usually not one for juvenile jokes. I'd like to think I have a more...refined taste in humor, one that isn't focusing entirely on anatomy and what-have-you. However, while many of the jokes in Shadows of the Damned made me groan, it was with a smile on my face, and I never once cringed. I actually laughed more often than not, the combination of the presentation and the clever ways they presented such...tasteless material enough to win me over.

This isn't a game for everybody, especially people easily offended by that sort of thing. But I can say I had a blast playing through the game. However, it is also worth noting that it took me only about 8 hours to finish it on normal, and with no multiplayer or bonuses to speak of that isn't a great value. While I wouldn't pay a full $60 for it, it's a solid weekend rent, or if you can pick it up for around $25 you'll probably consider the money well spent.

So...Rent it,  or Buy if under $25. 


If I had a star rating, it would probably be Four out of Five. I have no idea if I'm going to rate games like that, though, so it might be a completely moot point.

Backlog - Metroid Prime 2 - Day 2

Day: 2
Play Time: 4:05
Progress: 24%
Items got today: Dark Gun, Light Gun, Double-Jump Boots, Dark Suit

Yay! I'm 1/4 of the way through the game! Wee!

On my continued adventures through the land of Metroid, I stumbled upon a conclusion. Those awful logs/scans that it makes me do are kind of like the precursers to the "audiologs" that are the new rage in games thanks to Bioshock.

Would you kindly read the logs? Also this is from Bioshock 2, not one. I know.

Basically the idea was to give you added immersion in the game world without actually having to do anything particularly jarring. In Bioshock it worked really well because the logs were the history of the places you were currently visiting, and the little "stories within the story" made it compelling to continue.

In Metroid Prime 2, it seems they were just there for self-indulgence. And to unlock concept art. Yep, I've scanned 40% of total Logs, and the game was pleased to let me know I unlocked some art that is probably on the internet. Yay.

There, I just saved you scanning like 200 things in MP2. 

The point is that it was a precursor, something that hadn't really been done before but was later adapted to be a near-staple in games. Borderlands did it for comedy and backstory on the weird characters in the world. Singularity explained about 70% of it's plot through the audio logs. Even Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Vegas had audio snippets you can pick up, though they were few and far between.

Anyway, I actually went in and read a few, and they aren't bad. I just wish that Nintendo wasn't so voice-acting averse, or they could have had the actual soldiers be reading the logs as you solved puzzles. Can you imagine how much better the game would have been if that were the case? It would have added to the creepy ambiance too. But now, there isn't a lick of voice acting, even when watching the flashback videos of the soldiers. You have discs now, Nintendo. It's ok to put high quality sound clips on there.

Anyway, I was introduced to some of the new weapons in MP2, and they are quite...not very different from the ones in MP1.

Suck on some glorified flashlight! 

You get the Dark Beam, which is literally exactly the same as the Ice Beam from MP1, except...you know...dark, and the Light Beam, which is the same as the Plasma Beam except light. Way to go, Retro Studios, really branching out.

However, there is a rather major change to the Metroid formula here. If you look on the right of the screenshot above, you can see there is ammo meters now. Yeah, every time you shoot your gun it takes ammo. I remember when I first saw this I blew a gasket (as did half of the internet). Metroid games don't have ammo! Well, except missiles. And power bombs. And super missiles. BUT WHAT IS THIS AMMO?!


Actually, now that it's a while later, I'm actually really happy there is ammo, and here is why.

In Metroid Prime 1, once you got the side weapons you never switched back to the main one because...well, it sucked. The wave beam was awesome, the ice beam was awesome, and the plasma beam was the most overpowered thing ever. Why bother?

Pure, unadulterated HAX. 

Because of the ammo, you actually have to conserve the bullets. Especially since, unlike the missile doors, the dark/light doors don't revert to normal doors after you first shoot them. You need to have a cache saved up in order to actually progress in the game, aside from killing enemies. This means you stick to the regular beam and get good at it except in the most dire of situations (read: bosses). The specialty weapons are actually that: for specific parts. Because if I had infinite light beam, I'd be unstoppable.

So, I think the ammo works in this sense, also because it's technically still an FPS instead of a side-scroller. Lots of fans got butt-hurt about it when it was first revealed (myself included) but now I can see it actually makes a better game. It also doesn't "break the Metroid formula" because there were only like five Metroid games before this one came out (1, 2, Super, Prime 1, Fusion). So what's wrong with mixing it up? At least they didn't make it total crap like Ninja Theory did with Metroid: Other M.

Not only did it have a stupid name,
 it made tough-as-nails Samus "more feminine" (read: weak and wussy) and gave her a bigger rack.
Way to go, Japan. Very progressive. 

Anyway, I got both those guns. The way you get ammo is by killing enemies with the other gun (kill guys with dark, get light ammo, and vice versa). This is a great idea except it hardly ever works. I only get ammo about 50% of the time, which means I'm wasting the other type in an attempt to get more of the kind I want. Awesome.

I managed to find an ammo expansion, upping my limit from 50 to 100, which is great. I'm glad the expansions are so massive, because it reduces the ammo stress but still makes you conserve it. See? Ammo was a good idea.

At any rate I fought my way through the dark world, which is like our world only way crappier. You have to walk between safe "light bubbles," or else you'll take a crap-ton of damage. Some bubbles only last a few seconds, and they always go out right when you don't want them to.

It's actually a cool concept, and keeps you on your toes, though I had so much health I basically didn't give a crap. I managed to fight my way to a boss, though I think I killed Dark Samus (who is like Samus only...Darker) before. It's all a fuzzy blur in my memory, but she was so easy it didn't matter.

Pictured: Total Pushover

So anyway I got to a boss imaginatively titled "Jump Guardian." Seeing as the "Bomb Guardian" from yesterday had (wait for it...) bombs, I could only quiver with anticipatory delight as to what this boss might drop on death.

Maybe it's Power Bombs! 

Sure enough, I got the double jump, which meant I could jump twice. Awesome. This actually opened up a lot of the world, and made 90% of the jumps easier. So hooray for the Jump Guardian. You are a good person. Pity I had to murder you.

I got the rest of the temple keys (which I guess I needed. Since I ignored all the dialogue - excuse me, text - from earlier I had no idea what I was actually trying to accomplish aside from murdering innocent animals) and then...got stuck. The game didn't tell me what to do with them. So I ran back to the start, thinking I had to give them to the first guy I encountered. Nope. So I ran all the way back, really wishing Metroid games had a warp system, and finally found it where I was supposed to go. So account about an hour of that playtime to me wandering around like an idiot because I don't know how to read instructions.

Thanks for nothing, jerk. 

So I got to the dark temple and, BEHOLD! Another giant worm boss!

Yeah. He's pretty big. 

Unlike the other bosses, this one was actually pretty fun, if atrociously easy. Basically he jumps around like an idiot, and the game makes sure that your lock-on only works if you are pointed DIRECTLY AT HIS HEAD, so you miss him about 75% of the time because the game hates you. Yes, I'm still complaining about the lock on system, and I'll keep complaining until the damn thing works as advertised.

Anyway, you shoot him, then he attaches to a big ball in the middle for....reasons, and you can shoot the armor off his face. After that he starts sucking like a vacuum for another unknown reason, and you have to do the "stereotypical video game stupid thing that actually works:" get sucked into his mouth as a ball and drop bombs.

Why do video game characters think it's a good idea to go inside a boss to kill it? Aren't you avoiding being eaten all the way up until that point in the fight? The weird thing is I swear this applies to 90% of worm bosses. I mean the Stygian in Darksiders is the same way. You ride around, trying to not get eaten, until you hurt him enough that you jump in his mouth and slice him up. Brilliant plan, dude.

Yeah, just dive right in there, what's the worst that could happen?

So you do this three times and it dies, and it drops a spinning "Samus" logo on the ground. No, I'm not making that up. It seriously drops that.

Pictured: IMMERSION

So you get the dark suit, which looks totally badass, but also a bit like Dark Samus. AM I BECOMING THE MONSTER? Probably not, since the only Metroid game with a plot is Other M, and it (as mentioned above) is totally awful. But hey, I look cooler, minus the 80s shoulderpads.

Yeah! The Morph Ball looks cool, too. 

Now I'm tough and can survive the dark world without having to be in bubbles; I only lose a tiny amount of life. So that's great.

So I beat the desert world, went back to the main hub, and now I've unlocked Louisiana. Wait, it's just a marsh. Already I've discovered Samus walks like a snail underwater, and enemies here still take a billion hits to kill. Must be a theme.

Watch out for 'gaters. 

Let me actually bring that up: enemies in this game take so freaking long to kill, and not just the bosses. Regular enemies take a billion and a half shots. Dark Splinters, the most basic of enemies, take like 30 regular bullets. Which would be fine, except they took care to make sure you didn't use your sub-weapons all the time (see above), so instead it's just stupid.


It's like they had a great idea and forgot to balance it. You can either have 1. Really hard enemies but unlimited side weapons, or 2. Balanced enemies that die much faster with the side weapons. The current state means killing basic guys is a huge hassel with no reward, so 90% of the time I just run by and take the few hits. I do have like 500 life, so what does it matter anyway?

Anyway, I'm enjoying myself, despite my incessant whining. It's clear that, at the time, this game was a standout title. Now it's still pretty dang good, but when compared to the shooting of other games that utilize both sticks, it can come up short. I understand it isn't meant to be played as a shooter, not entirely, but it's still hard to not make the comparison.

Also the "free aiming" you can do is completely atrocious. The fact it is constantly trying to default you back to the basic "level" position makes precision aiming nearly impossible. Really, make the "tug" back down less powerful or something because dang. I have a feeling this would play loads better on the Wii, though.

Anyway, that's it from me today. Tune in tomorrow to for more Metroid Prime 2: Echoes.