Heavy Rain

The Short


Pros
- Offers a unique and new attempt to evolve the adventure game genre
- Claims to be a game focusing on its story, which in theory I'm all for
- Quick time event based scenes, while sounding bad on paper, actually work pretty well
- Decisions/mistakes you make a permanent, and shape the story accordingly
- Several of the setpieces are thrilling and look great

Cons
- Story is unbelievably awful, filled with plot holes, bad writing, inconsistent characters, and just shoddy work overall
- Blatantly misogynistic
- Final "twist" makes no sense, betrays the player, and is poorly foreshadowed and executed
- The motion captured actors are stiff and unnatural, and hit the uncanny valley head on in levels of horrifying
- Voice acting is atrocious across both main and side characters
- Characters walk like tanks, ramming into poles and looking like idiots because you can't control them properly
- Creator David Cage is probably the single most pretentious douchebag in the industry
- Somehow convinced people this was moving interactive storytelling ahead, which makes me think this medium will never actually get any better

Get ready for some "interactive drama."

The Long

I can get behind what Heavy Rain says it wants to do. Quantic Dream has always been one to try new things, first with Fahrenheit (Indigo Prophecy) and now Heavy Rain. It was one of the first games shown for the PS3, back when they made full CG trailers and said they were actually in-engine. Touted as "interactive storytelling," Heavy Rain promised a deep and complex crime drama that would tug at our heartstrings and prove, once and for all, that games can have good stories, dammit! This was further brought to the point when its pretentious creator, David Cage, went on and on about how it was the best and most important game ever made before the game even came out. Man, I can't wait! This is gonna change the whole world! I'll finally get an engaging, well-written story out of a video game (never mind the fact I got that from Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time several years before)! It's like...everything I ever hoped for!

Then it came out. And I played it. 

Pictured: Interactive drama, or just David Cage getting off on his own characters. 

Heavy Rain is one of the worst written stories I've encountered across any medium, not just video games. It's poorly paced, filled with enough plot holes to make it swiss cheese, has unrealistic and inconsistent characters, introduces questions and doesn't answer them, is packed with more red herrings than a breeding pool filled with the things, and has probably the worst written twist ever. Seriously, it makes M. Night Shyamalan look like a literary genius. I couldn't believe my eyes (or my ears...those voice actors, urgh) as I barreled through this trainwreck, shaking my head and actually getting upset. "This is what people think will push the industry forward?" I raged at my television, disgusted and horrified. "This is what people are giving perfect scores to, saying it's the best story in video games? Are you kidding me?"

Needless to say, I was not pleased.

But since deconstructing this horrendous mess of a story will both be long, arduous, and filled with spoilers, let me focus first on the gameplay. Because in that regard, there's actually a lot here that is clever and original. 

Hold R1, L1, R2, L2, and mash X to not die. It's harder than it looks!

The game is sort of a simplified adventure game that focuses heavily on onscreen button prompts. Like the quick time events in Ninja Blade, except somehow there are more of them. When looking at previews of this game, I was convinced this was going to be the worst aspect of the game, so imagine my surprise when they actually worked (most of the time). Holding lots of buttons down while having to mash another to get through a tight situation is stressful, and combined with crazy stuff going down on screen (and the controller vibrating to attempt to thwart you) is legitimately difficult. There are also several scenes where I had to do things I didn't want to because plot demanded it, and the horrifying and morbid actions that I was forcing on screen made it hard to go through with it. Yes, the whole game is essentially walking places and doing a bunch of quick time events (items rarely play into this "adventure game," it's mostly just knowing what to say to particular people), but it works well to combine a "game" aspect when the highlight is clearly the story.

I'd love to see this system implemented well in another, better told story. Telltale tried it with Jurassic Park and pretty much failed hard, but I could see this working great for other movie or TV licences where the source material is very story-centric. Or if somebody would just actually write a good story in the games industry (not holding my breath here), they could use this system to help actually push the medium forward. There's a thought! 

So it's a good idea. Too bad the story it relies so heavily upon is complete and utter garbage. 

Pictured: Interactive Orange-Juice Drinking Drama

NOTE: MASSIVE SPOILERS INCOMING, BUT THE GAME IS SO AWFUL YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T CARE.

So the story of Heavy Rain is one of mystery. The Origami killer (or "Ora-gaa-me" or "O-ree-gar-me," depending on which horrible voice actor is trying to pronounce it) is out killin' kids, usually drowning them somehow and leaving a little Origami Crane on their bodies. The horror! 

You play four different characters, each with a part and perspective in this INTERACTIVE DRAMA. You have Ethan Mars, the "protagonist" I guess whose kid is taken and he has to get him back. You have Madison Paige, the only female and a reporter covering the story or...something. I never really figured out why she got so involved. Norman Jayden, a cop with magic future sunglasses that is trying to find the killer, and lastly Scott Shelby, a big fat PI hired but somebody we don't ever know or see to try and find out about this killer. So you have a diverse cast of characters, all of which are shallow, unbelievable, badly voiced and inconstant. But hey, let's run down 'em really quick. There are so many plot holes I can't possibly hope to cover all of them here, but I'll just hit my "favorites."

Pictured: Interactive beard growing interrogation drama

So Ethan is the father of Jason, whom Ethan can't keep an eye on at all even though his kid is right next to him 90% of the time. Jason runs off because he's a complete idiot (keep in mind this is the second time. You think he'd have bought a leash) and runs out in front of a car and dies, even though in the scene we clearly see Ethan grabbing Jason and turning him away from the car, while Ethan somehow comes out unscathed. Ok?

Since every woman in this game is either a whore or a total bitch, Ethan's wife divorces him for being the Worst Father Ever 2010 and he has to live in a crappy shack with his less-loved son, Shawn. That is, until Shawn is kidnapped because Ethan looks away from his child again on a playground long enough for the Oh-rah-gaaa-mee killer to grab him. Maybe Ethan is actually mentally handicapped? For being so bent out of shape because he let Jason die, he sure didn't seem to learn anything.

Anyway, Ethan starts randomly waking up from random blackouts with an origami crane in his hand, DUN DUN DUN! Except, wait, this is never explained. At all. David Cage even admitted it's never explained, saying something idiotic like "that's how Hitchcock did it." No, that isn't how he did it you pretentious prick, you are just an awful writer. 

So Ethan gets contacted by the killer saying he has to do all these dangerous, life-threatening things to prove he loves his son. Which honestly makes sense: Ethan is the Worst Father Ever 2010, so I'm all for this killer making him actually try to not suck. This involves making him do stuff that would fit better in a Saw movie, like crawling through broken glass and an electric power plant, or cutting a finger off with a hacksaw (which is disgusting). Added bonus that he has to shoot a drug dealer who lives in a normal house and apparently has gone clean, and the police never bother trying to hunt him down for this crime and Ethan has no emotional response (other than having sex with Madison two seconds after, but we'll get to that later).

Ethan is bland, flat, has tons of plot holes in his story, is a horrible father, is an idiot, and is pretty much an unlikable protagonist. The only character sympathy we get is because we want his creepy uncanny-valley son to survive, but as it stands I hate Ethan and his arc is both tasteless and stupid. Next. 

Pictured: Interactive drama via cop abuse. 

Let's do Jayden, the FBI or cop or whatever he is next. Jayden is a moron. He's addicting to some sort of drug, and despite having magic, unrealistic cop glasses that do nothing but make the boring "CSI" elements of the game more user friendly, he's also a total moron. There's a lot I could go off of here (like the fact he seems to kill everybody he runs into), but let's do what I think is the worst scene in the game, the one pictured above.

So you have a douchebag partner who would have been kicked out and arrested after two seconds in the real force (this game makes all cops look like pigs and idiots. Way to be realistic and also totally not offensive, Heavy Rain!), and you suspect this one guy might be the Origami Killer. So you go to his apartment and he isn't home. Now, legally you can't go inside, though you could wait. Nope, you kick down the door, without a warrant or anything and proceed to ransack his entire apartment. Don't worry, it gets better.

So this guy really likes Jesus, which is fine, whatever, but that makes Jayden and his partner decide he's a loony freak and must be the killer despite having no evidence that this guy isn't anything other than a religious nut. Anyway, the best part is he comes back when you are in there and is like "What the hell, guys?" He is completely non-confrontational with regard to being violent (he just sort of freaks out because, I dunno, the cops busted into his house without a warrent?), which makes it all the more shocking when Jayden and his partner pull a gun on him. Keep in mind they just dug through his house and found no evidence that he is the Origami Killer, after breaking in without a warrant and not even probable cause. 

Then they shoot him. Dead. In his own house that they broke into. And there are no problems with this. Nobody gets in trouble. You continue with the case, business as usual.

I'd focus more on other things, but this scene was so completely stupid and absurd (not to mention painted cops in an horrible, unfair light) I can't remember anything else about his arc. I think this isn't the only time this happens, either (he kills a lot of people for stupid reasons), but this one particularly stood out as bad writing. 

Oh, his voice actor is awful too, so tally this one up.

Pictured: Interactive drama of the only main female character fighting rapists in her underwear in her first scene of the game

Then we have Madison. Madison, on dear. This might go long. 

Madison is the only girl in the game, and remember how Heavy Rain really pushed itself as "adult storytelling?" Well, they weren't lying: the first scene with our only female character has her stripping completely naked for a full-frontal nudity shower scene. This is after having a shower scene with Ethan where we saw little more than his butt, but for Madison the camera pans around her bare boobs and has her "shake down" with the towel in the most voyeuristic thing I've ever seen. "Adult drama," huh? But we still can't get over the "woman as objects" thing?

Well, since he likes to hang out in her apartment in just a tank-top and panties, of course rapists show up, and she fights them. So let's recap. The only girl character has been naked, poses over the window in her underwear, and now is about to get raped. Real positive statements, here. "Adult." 

She wins, obviously, and then shouts "That's what I call kicking butt! You go, girl!" to prove David Cage was not using this as some sort of low-rent porno for himself and clearly Madison is a liberated woman. By shouting awful, horrid dialogue. Great. 

Madison does next to nothing for the rest of the game, except always running into Ethan randomly after he gets messed up by doing his little Saw traps. Oh, and she has sex with him after he kills a man after only knowing him for maybe ten minutes of screentime. Yeah, progressive views of women, here. And yes, you see her boobs again, and get to virtually unhook her bra! I can see all the nerds getting hot and heavy over this, spouting out "Game of the Year!" while they huff their asthma medication.

That was an unfair portrayal of nerds, I apologize. But I think I got my point across. 

Madison also finds out the identity of the killer before anybody else (though it doesn't tell you, the player, until later) and as her eyes open wide in shock we realize she actually has never met this person, even though we (the player) has, which is just straight up bad writing. And this isn't the first time she's reacted as how Heavy Rain imagines the player would, when she's never met the person mentioned. Way to not understand how viewpoint, the most fundamental aspect of writing multiple characters, works. 

Oh, she also "Sexies herself up" when trying to get into a druglord's room by unzipping to expose her cleavage, tearing her skirt, and putting on makeup. There's a great preview of a french designer (I think David Cage) playing this section, and you can hear his mouthbreathing as he "unzips her" and is drooling over it. It's horrifying, though it perfectly expresses how much care was put into creating this balanced, realistic portrayal of a modern woman. 

I'd also like to point out that there are only three prominent women in this game: a whore that Shelby works with, Ethan's cold bitch wife, and Madison who stripping or sexing is her answer to every situation (with help from the sweaty-palmed player, of course). "Adult" drama my ass, this was written by a horny 13-year-old. 

Added bonus she really doesn't add much to the narrative. I killed her in a burning house and the ending didn't change much. She serves literally no point except maybe as an info dump from time to time. Oh, and stripping for a kinky druglord. And sexing Ethan. And taking showers. Gah, I'm starting to get angry now, time to move on. 

Pictured: Interactive fatass. 

WARNING: I WASN'T KIDDING ABOUT SPOILERS. I RUIN THE END OF HEAVY RAIN IN THIS SECTION.

So then we have Shelby, the PI. Now would be a good time for me to remind you we are in the character's heads when we are controlling them, hearing their thoughts and seeing them float around their heads when you make decisions. That's actually kind of clever, to be honest. Then they ruin it with Shelby.

So Shelby is trying to find the killer, hired by an unknown source. He's softspoken, kind, and generally a good guy. You know he's good because when he breaks into a person's house (which he does), rather than shoot them for no reason he takes care of their baby for them! That's not creepy at all! Yes, this actually happens in the game, and I'm not exaggerating; if anything I'm understating it!

But then you have the worst twist in any story ever: Shelby is the killer. 

Yes. The guy who has been searching for the killer, whose thoughts you've been hearing, and who has risked death multiple times in an attempt to find information about the killer, is actually the killer. Because you didn't see that coming! Holy cow, Heavy Rain, you blew my mind! I haven't read a book in my life and don't understand how foreshadowing is supposed to work, so I love your twist. Best game ever! Interactive drama! Adult story! Madison's boobs! Game of the Year!

I shouldn't have to point out this massive viewpoint error, but I will because apparently no professional game reviewers (including the ones I respect, like Brad from GiantBomb) know anything about how this works. When you are in a character's viewpoint, you are in their head, and they have to talk and think like the character would. If they think in contrivances that aren't realistic, that's bad veiwpoint. If they say or think something they wouldn't for the sake of the story, that's breaking viewpoint. And if they go for hours as a serial killer, spending time around people who are also looking for the serial killer, and never once think "gee, I wonder how my traps for Ethan are going?" your viewpoint is wrong. 

As a bonus, Shelby actually thinks the words "The killer must have..." when he is the killer. This is in his head, not spoken aloud. Why is he thinking of himself in the third person? Because Heavy Rain makes Twilight look like a literary masterpiece is why. I isn't a Red Herring if it's just wrong. This is not how writing works, David Cage. You freaking suck at writing.

I actually thought Shelby was ok (minus his random housebreaking and the fact he seems immune to death even though I tried everything to kill him) until that twist, probably the only character that was at least a little realistic. But yeah, this "twist" makes no sense. How did he set up all those traps when he was clearly "searching for the killer?" He's a big guy; how did he fit in the tight spaces to put glass where Ethan crawls? How did he pull any of this off? Not to mention there's a part where a guy is shot off camera by "the killer" but you are in Shelby's viewpoint; the camera just pans away for a second and you lose control. Then Shelby is like, totally shocked and doesn't know who killed this guy, when Shelby killed him and you are in his head right then and were in it before urrrrrr this story is an abomination. 

Pictured: Uncanny Valley Drama

I don't want to talk about this game anymore so I'll be brief. The graphics do look decent, but the animations are really stiff and janky (unlike games like Uncharted, which look good) and the uncanny valley creepyness factor is so incredibly high here it's almost unplayable. Getting close in freaks me out because people don't move the way people should, especially their mouths. It's all sorts of horrifying, and goes to show that just because you can do something graphically doesn't mean you should. 

Voice acting is horrible throughout, and when paired with this awful script and story just turns this into a mess. I'd be more lenient (since it is a video game, and they usually don't' have great stories), but this game's whole push was its pretentious story garbage. Which it fails utterly on. Completely fails.

Pictured: You know what? I'm done. I hate this game. 

I like the gameplay concepts here, and again I'm all for video games trying new things with their stories. But when people lift up Heavy Rain next to other mediums and are like "Look! We have great writing as well! We aren't just blood and boobs and violence!" I cringe and hang my head. Heavy Rain is a step back for us, if anything, a convoluted, poorly written mess of a game that shouldn't be held up proudly for anything it does. If anything, it shows how gullible video gamers are, as we'll buy into anything if we market it heavily enough and keep telling people it's supposed to be something great. Trust me: if this hadn't been pushed as the big PS3 exclusive and the "new step forward in interactive storytelling," we'd have given it bad scores and forgotten it existed. As it stands, people bought the hype, and now we have this to look forward to as the "gold standard."

Don't encourage this sort of behavior. Maybe someday someone will make a good game with the ideas presented here, but I doubt it. David Cage gets to keep making his pretentious garbage, games keep having awful stories, and we once again squander the resources our unique medium gives us.

Sigh.

One out of five stars. 

Soulless-eyes Ethan does not approve of this review. 

Week in Review for 3/11/2012 - Overrated Games Week

We celebrated this week by reviewing a batch of my favorite games, and got through a decent amount of them with some atrociously long-winded reviews. I also caught up on my two longest-standing requests, so hooray for that.

10 reviews this week, with us crossing 100 to hit 102 total! Nice! For a month and a half of doing this, that ain't that bad. I hope you all have enjoyed reading my reviews as much as I've enjoyed writing them.

We are killing sacred cows this upcoming week, with the theme being Overrated Games week. Keep in mind: just because I say these games are overrated doesn't mean I hate them. It's just games I feel get way too much appreciation when they really are just average or above-average games. From the header picture you can probably guess who will be the star this week, but don't worry...I'm going to rip up some more favorites than you even know. I'm actually pretty excited about one of them.

Again, this is my blog, so keep in mind all my views are subjective. You've probably figured out my taste in games by this point (especially based on this last week being a lot of my favorite games, though I didn't get to the Portal games or Enslaved or Katamari Damacy or Resident Evil 4) so if you have a problem with a review please think it over before bashing me via email or in the comments. I'm more than willing to discuss views on games in a rational manner: I get that some games just don't click with me like they do with others. But we can at least be civil. No more hate mail, guys.

Now that I'm done complaining, let's give a rundown of this week's massive review-a-thon.

Nier - 5 / 5 Stars
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - 5 / 5 Stars
Super Mario RPG: The Legend of the Seven Stars - 5 / 5 Stars
Braid - 5 / 5 Stars
The Incredible Machine 2 - 5 / 5 Stars
Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos - 4 / 5 Stars
Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne - 5 / 5 Stars
Final Fantasy VI - 5 / 5 Stars (Review #100!)
Super Mario Bros 2 - 5 / 5 Stars
Saints Row: The Third - 5 / 5 Stars

See all you cats this week!

Saints Row: The Third

The Short


Pros
- Zany, stupid story that never takes itself seriously
- Massive open world to screw around in, with "screw around" being the key word
- Dozens of side missions and things to do, all of which are original and really fun
- Buying shops and earning income means you are never completely without money
- Leveling system ("Respect") tiers unlocks until you are an invincible gunslinger
- Vast amounts of character and vehicle customization
- Everything in this game is streamlined and done correctly, cutting out the mundane and only leaving the enjoyable
- Great licensed tracks
- Voice acting is excellent throughout, especially the main female voice
- One of the silliest, most "pure" sandbox games I've ever played


Cons
- Due to your stupid companion AI, some of the side missions are incredibly obnoxious
- Its attempt at crass humor works well most of the time, but it does fall into "tasteless" territory frequently
- Cussing is a bit much; they like their f-bombs
- Absurd amount of collectables mean you'll never 100% it. You'll be finished with the game at around 30 hours.
- City is big but seems underpopulated, with people and cars being sparse in several areas
- One of the endings is great, the other is depressing and doesn't fit with the theme of the game
- Needs more tracks on the radio; you get tired of them quick
- No one man should have all that power

Welcome to Steelport. And yes, you do drive a tiger around in a side mission. 

The Long

Saints Row: The Third is totally bananas. There's just no other way of describing it. It's a game where one of the first things you unlock is an arial guided missile. Like, as a weapon you can just use anytime. That's one of the first things you get after the handgun. It's a game where the second mission involves jumping from a jumbo jet without a chute, then after you get the chute you abandon it as another jumbo jet tries to ram you, and you kick through the front window, momentum carrying you through the whole jet while you blow it up from the inside and then fly out the other side, just in time to catch your dropped chute and float to safety. It's a game where you hijack a military plane, and when things go bad you drive a tank out of the cargo bay, free-falling in a tank while shooting down other planes and people mid-air. 

Not to mention driving tigers around, getting a hoverbike with mounted machine gun, base-jumping from hundreds of feet in the air, and ramming planes with your plane. Yeah, this game is nuts.

Hoverbikes are always useful. 

I think now would be a good time to say I usually don't enjoy modern, city-based sandbox games. I never really was partial to the Grand Theft Auto series (I found it boring), and the only modern, city-sandbox game I really liked was Prototype, and that was because it took all the traversal stuff and streamlined it. Even Crackdown, where I was supposed to be a super cop, was bogged down by some game interface choices and the awful climbing.

But I LOVE Saints Row: The Third. It's an insane blast from start to finish, and I really think just about everybody should at least check it out. Seriously. It's nuts.

Wanna run around buck-naked and shoot mascots? You can do that too. 

The story is just as idiotic. After Saints Row 2 (which I have not played; this is my first entry into the Saints Row games), the Saints Row Saints (imaginative name, guys) are so amazingly popular and famous they've basically sold out. Oh yeah, they still rob banks, but as they do the tellers ask for their autographs before opening up the vault. You know things are goofy if you rob a bank wearing giant masks that look like the head of the Saints Row Leader, who is with you during the mission and wearing a giant head that is a picture of his own head. Yeah, what? So weird.

Anyway, it seems since you are now corporate whores who sold out, a bunch of other gangs are getting in on your space. So what do you do? You burn 'em out. The three gangs are all goofy: The Morning Stars, which appear to be basically just...I dunno, whores? Something like that. The Luchadores, who are exactly what you think (including masks), and the Deckers, a nerd/rave/video game themed gang that seems to love anime and ninjas and just generally being massive geeks. They are all trying to get in on the Saints' space, so your job is to get them out! Then when the military gets involved things only escalate further until the whole thing becomes a stupid cluster-freak of idiocy.

Yeah. You get tanks, too. 

But who cares about the main story? This is a sandbox game, so most of your time will be spent messing around. And this is where Saints Row: The Third really shines: this game wants you to have fun being stupid. It isn't like Grand Theft Auto, where it's trying to be super serious all the time, and it isn't like Crackdown where it pretends you have freedom but is really super restraining. Saints Row: The Third is perfectly tailored to you, as a player, and the game plays as such. Need a car? If you ever take one to a garage you own you can unlock it by visiting any other garage in the game, free of charge, and it will even save all your upgrades. Or you could just call somebody on your phone and they'll drop it off in a second. Need a hoverjet? They'll drop that off too, just a call. Need to hijack a car? Your character will jump through a windshield and be behind the wheel in under a second.

Everything that I hated about open world modern sandboxes: clunky pacing, attempts at realism that hinder freedom, all of that...it's gone, streamlined away. Guns have tons of ammo and have excellent aim (and no cover system) and can be upgraded to absurd levels. Money is easy to get: like Fable 2 you can buy properties and then after every ~15-30 minutes of gameplay you'll receive a hefty deposit to spend on what you want. It's so perfectly made you can't ever get frustrated at the systems at play, as they offer no restrictions. It's a true "sandbox."

The character creator is accessible at any time, allowing you to switch everything at any time, including gender. 

The customization is pretty nuts too. Clothing and plastic surgery stores are all over Steelport (which actually results in a pretty hilarious joke about it as part of the story missions), which let you change anything at any time. Changing your physical appearance is cheap, and clothes can be customized and bought and then accessed at any time from any store via your wardrobe. You can save outfits to be swapped out later as well. Basically, you can do almost anything, within reason. It isn't as nuts as, say, Soul Calibur's character creator, but it gets pretty close. 

But all this doesn't matter if the core game underneath isn't fun to play. And, luckily, Saints Row: The Third does that right, too.

Don't forget to pose for the fans. 

Aside from buying shops, driving around, and just acting like an idiot, Saints Row: The Third has tons of side "challenges" to do while you are just messing around. Things like driving into oncoming traffic, doing wheelies, power sliding, throwing people great distances, falling from really far, base jumping, car hijacking, getting your photo taken by fans, finding collectables, surfing on the top of cars, blowing up stuff, and more all add to a persistant challenge system, and all progress earns you "Respect." Respect is basically just experience, and when you rank up you unlock more abilities you can buy. The abilities rangs from summoning people to assist you, to taking less damage, to doing more damage, and so on. When you hit max level and buy the final upgrades you are invincible to everything (including fall and bullet damage), have unlimited ammo on all weapons, never have to reload, and have a bunch of jets and cars and other weird stuff. It kind of takes the challenge out at that point, but whatever; it's funny and kind of stupid.

Point being, everything you do earns both cash and respect, so expect to be rewarded for doing crazy, stupid stuff (there's even a challenge for "windshield launcher," where it saves the total distance you've ever gone after crashing a car and flying through the windshield). Brilliant.

There's just so much stuff to do. 

When you aren't just dicking around, there's loads of actual side stuff to do. This ranges from getting in a tank and trying to do as much property damage as possible (with dollar signs popping up everytime you blow stuff up) to driving around with a tiger where you have to drive fast to keep it sated but not hit anything or else it'll get pissed and attack you. There's helicopter escorts, races with an "explosive" twist, and my personal favorite: insurance fraud. For that one you run into oncoming traffic and ragdoll, trying to get hit by as many cars as possible to rake in the insurance money. It's delightfully stupid, and there are dozens of these missions ranging in difficulties (oh yes, and the awful Japanese Game Show parody which is just so stupid I can't help but laugh at it) so you'll never get bored between missions.

Everything controls great. Guns are snappy and aim well, and while some of the controls are unconventional you'll get used to them quickly. It's easy to switch between weapons and to get out what you want, hijacking cars is a cinch, and basically everything flows together really well. I honestly can't think of a game that beats this one out in the pure "fun" factor, with it all coming together into an incredible package that is stupidly entertaining. With "stupid" being a key word there. 

Wanna dress like a hooker and just blow stuff up? You can do that too. And earn Respect doing it. 

Graphically, Saints Row: The Third look great. It isn't gorgeous or anything, but the bright visuals and massive city you are put into all looks excellent. There is some bad popin when you are flying, with buildings in the distance sort of "appearing" as you draw close, and large portions of the city look kind of...boring. And underpopulated. There's an ok amount of cars, but a surprising lack of pedestrians. Then again, considering the frequency at which they are run over, I'd stay indoors too. Explosions look fantastic and, as a whole, it isn't going to graphically turn heads but it works. 

Sound design is fantastic, especially the voice acting. I recommend playing through as a girl and using the first female voice, if only because it's the same voice actor as Kaine from Nier (who was also Rise in Persona 4, oddly enough) and she is really good. The script fits its stupid/funny theme throughout, never getting too dumb or crass (except maybe one or two instances) while the voice actors know full well they aren't meant to take this seriously. It works at pulling off that 12-year-old humor, much like Shadows of the Damned and unlike Duke Nukem Forever, while still being compelling. Excellent work. My only complaint would be the gratuitous use of the f-bomb. Again, I'm fine with swearing in my games when it serves a purpose (either for humor or drama, don't care), but Saints Row: The Third throws it around so much it loses all its meaning. They do use the cursing right from time to time, but if your ears aren't prone to such vulgarities you might want to turn the volume down or something. 

There are also loads of Tron references for the Deckers gang. Including what might be the best mission ever. 

As it stands, Saints Row: The Third is a video game, and it knows it. It doesn't pretend to have a vast narrative or provide some sort of life-altering experience. It gives you a bunch of playthings, a big city to play with them, and says "Go nuts!" while being certain the systems in place don't hinder your fun. It's a superbly made game, one that shows that you can empower a player well while still making an exciting and challenging game behind it. It lasts a long time, too; I beat every side-mission, bought every shop, and completed the main story and all the assassination missions in under 30 hours. After that I had the carjackings and challenges left (and the collectables, ugh), but that stuff was tedious work and I didn't want to taint my overall experience, so I called it done. I'm not sad at all; those were some wild 30 hours. 

If you think your modern-day open world games are getting too serious or pretentious, you should absolutely check out this game. If you loved Crackdown, this game will be a godsend in comparison. If you thought Grand Theft Auto is getting a little too big for its britches, try out Saints Row: The Third. Seriously, if you are a video gamer you should at least rent this game. It's just...so pure. Such a pure, excellent game. So, to quote the GiantBomb team's oft repeated statement: "You really should go and play Saints Row: The Third."

Five out of five stars. Really. Go check it out. Funnest game I've played in recent memory, no joke.

Plus, that garage/crib song is just kickin'. 

Super Mario Bros 2

The Short

Pros
- Lots of levels with new abilities that changed up the Mario formula
- Play as four distinctly different characters, including Peach!
- Graphics dramatically better than original Super Mario Bros
- Great music
- Better difficulty balance than the first Super Mario Bros
- Can run left

Cons
- Ripoff of Doki Doki Panic
- People hate it for some unexplained reason
- No save system for such a long game

Watch some Mario 2 IN ACTION!

MARIO MADNESS

The Long

Ok, look. I know Super Mario Bros 2 is an American reskin of Doki Doki Panic, ok? I know the "real" Super Mario Bros 2 was the now "Lost Levels" collection you get on the Super Mario Allstars pack. I know this wasn't originally a Mario game, ok? I'll even post a Doki Doki Panic screenshot to prove it.

There you go. Happy?

The point is this doesn't matter. Super Mario Bros 2 might have been some other game before, but it's a legit Mario game now. But before I go off on that pre-determined rant, let's actually review the game in brief. 

Super Mario Bros 2 (or Mario 2, for the sake of my poor typing hand) is a unique game in that it takes all the elements first introduced in Super Mario Bros and completely switches them up. While at its core it is still a platformer about jumping and shooting, that and the Mario characters are the only real similarities between it and Mario 1. Rather than jumping on enemies to kill them, now you pull veggies from the ground to lob in their general direction. There are no blocks to hit with your head; stars are picked up to gather cherries, and coins are used for a slot machine at the end to get more lives. There are doors into a different dimension (essentially the first instance of a "Dark World" in a Mario game) where you can pick up mushrooms, but rather than make you big (which they do), you start big and these give you more lives. 

The levels are essentially linear but with much more freedom, aka you can go back finally. While many have a straight route through, others are a little more challenging. You have to find the right passageways, use the right keys, avoid that awful head...eye...face...mask thing, and it just added a lot more freedom and exploration that wasn't common for these types of games. The "uprooting veggies" mechanic also moved to digging, making some really interesting sand levels, and the bosses weren't incredible but certainly a step up from "jump over Bowser" from the first game. 

DIG YOU FOOL DIG

The game also added a bunch of characters, including the first time you played as a (now named, also for the first time) Princess Peach. Each of the characters played completely differently. Mario was your standard, all around kind of guy: he ran quick, jumped high, and picked up stuff decently. Luigi was the random one, with the wonkiest leg-wiggling jump ever that made him the best jumper but also the most difficult to control. Toad picked stuff up lightning fast and hauled, but was a mediocre jumper. And Peach (aka the one everybody played) could float for some reason, but was awful at everything else.

You could swap characters between levels and after deaths, so if you think your chosen character (Peach) was inadequate, you could try somebody else. I have fond memories playing this at a friend's, where I'd always pick Peach and he'd swear by the insane Luigi. The crazy part was he had mastered the green guy, pulling off some insane stuff with that zany air jump of his. Good times.

As it stands, Mario 2 is an excellent sequel. It doesn't take a whole lot from the original, but to be honest the original was just sort of...there. It's big deal was the fact it was a platformer that felt good to play, without it being clunky or unfair. Mario 2's jumping is excellent (and actually adds variety with multiple characters) and the rest of the game is unique and really, really fun. It's one of my favorite Mario games.

And then people had to go out and hate on it. 

Note: If you like Mario 2, you can skip this rant. Or read it and feel smug. 

Mario 2 gets a lot of flack for not being a "real" Mario game, because it was a skin for us stupid Americans back in the 80s. We got this game instead of Mario: Lost Levels (the "real" Mario 2), and for some reason lots of people think that means this game is somehow dumbed down or worse, or not really Mario. Well guess what: you are all wrong, and here is why.

First off, show of hands: have any of you actually played Doki Doki Panic? Oh, hardly any of you? Ok, how about not on an emulator? Oh, nobody? That's what I thought. I've actually played it on a Japanese NES in some backwash game store, and guess what? Who cares. Mario 2 is better. Yep, I said it.

Second question, how many of you played Lost Levels on Super Mario Allstars? A fair amount, especially considering the straight Wii port that came out a while back. How many beat it? None? A few? How many thought it was unfair, or perhaps the platforming wasn't as tight or well designed as Mario 1? I see your hands timidly raising, knowing exactly where I'm going with this but unable to lie to me. Lost Levels is kind of total garbage. It has no graphical improvements. It only has a handful more levels, and some have jumps that are broken, meaning if you don't get speed before you hit them and then stop (and since you can't go left to regain speed) your only choice is to die. This isn't challenge. It's bad game design. Lost Levels is a bad Mario game.

Oh, I'm not done. 

So perhaps Mario 2 is better than Lost Levels, so what? "It doesn't follow the formula of a Mario game!" People argue. "It isn't a real Mario game because it doesn't have Mario elements!"

Ok, how many of you actually played these games when they came out on the NES? BEFORE Mario 3 came out? Because if you remember, the only game behind this one was Mario. He hadn't built up his pedigree as a box-smashing, powerup grabbing guy by this point. We only had the first game to go off of and from what I see, Mario 2 is a worthy sequel because it took elements of Mario 1 and made them better. Running left. Diverse levels. More enemies. Better jumping. Multiple characters. These are all improvements that still follow the first Mario game. We didn't know this game wasn't "legit" until years later after several more Mario games came out and we started getting the internet to tell us this game was a reskin of another game. And that is when you decided it wasn't a Mario game.

Plant Rocket is the best

"But Mario games now all ignore Mario 2 because it's the red-headed stepchild of the series!" You cry. "If they loved it so much, why did they abandon it?"

First off, I'm a red-head, so I take offense at that. Not really, but I take offense when people say the above regarding Mario 2, because they aren't thinking. Here's a list of things introduced in Mario 2 that have since been introduced in later Mario games.

- Shy guys

- Multiple players/charaters (Super Mario Bros Wii)

- Life bars (Mario 64)

- Birdo

- Luigi playing different than Mario (Super Smash Bros)

- Going left (Mario 3)

- Those spiky plant guys

- Bosses other than Bowser

- Themed worlds

- Lots of other crap I'm sure you can think of.

These are fundamental parts of Mario now, so don't go tellin' me they don't matter. In fact, this game was ahead of its time, so much so that some elements weren't used again (yet). Having multiple characters that can tackle the same levels? Super Meat Boy did that and you all loved it so much, but Nintendo apparently listened to its "fans" and never put that stuff back in. This game was ripe with awesome features, and it pushed the Mario games forward. Yes, it wasn't the same game in Japan, but who cares? It's more than solidified itself as a Mario game, and not only that, as one of the best Mario games because it's unique. Which is something Mario has been bad at recently. 

Bring this back, Nintendo. Seriously. 

RANT OVER

So anyway, Mario 2 is the bomb. I love it. It's a great game and you should all go play it because it's awesome and is especially fun if you have a friend and can switch off between deaths (and switch characters). It's better designed, better paced, and just better overall. So stop your hatin' and get with the LOVE, because Mario 2 has a lot to give. 

A classic. Five out of five. 

Plus, who could hate this music? NOBODY. 

Final Fantasy VI

Final Fantasy III / VI

The Short


Pros
- Fourteen characters, the majority of which have interesting backstories to explore
- Beautiful 16-bit graphics
- Best video game soundtrack ever
- Story is interesting and has a rather dramatic twist half way through
- Some genuinely touching and heartwrenching moments
- Kefka proves to be the best Final Fantasy villain to date
- Fast battles that don't require substantial amounts of level grinding
- Each character has a specific unique ability
- Manages to be both a linear (first half) and non-linear (second half) experience without breaking the game
- Overall, an excellently crafted, tight knit package

Cons
- Certain character abilities make the game incredibly easy
- Because of this, balance is all over the place, but overall the game is relatively easy
- Translation can be a bit off on the SNES version. GBA re-translation tends to be a bit better
- Some bonus characters don't get the same backstory treatment as the others

The Long

Final Fantasy III/VI is my favorite game ever. I honestly consider it to be the best game ever made. Now that you know how this review will play out, let's give a brief history as to how I found these games.

I was introduced to the JRPG when I was about eight. My parents were gone all day to some event, so we had a babysitter. He brought his SNES and all he did all day was play Final Fantasy IV (great babysitter) while we watched. I remember my younger brother actually cried when Palom and Porom turned to stone. The game made such an impression on me that about four-five years later, when searching an internet forum, I pressed people to giving me the name of this game that I had only sparse memories of (Tellah, a boss involving three sisters, and two children who turned to stone), finally discovering the Final Fantasy series (and emulator) for a first time. 

Nobody would give me a straight answer on the number, so I started up Final Fantasy III instead. I played it for a while before realizing it was the wrong one and switched to Final Fantasy II. It wasn't for months later that I finally went through and played the game. And oh man...it was an experience.

Pictured: An experience.

It's worth pointing out the only JRPG I'd actually played and beaten before this point was Wandering Hamster, an indie game built on the OHRRPGE game engine. So all this stuff was new to me. After beating Final Fantasy VI (which I will call it by it's real number the rest of this review) I immediately started it over again and played through a second time, changing my party members. Since then I've probably beaten this game 12-15 times on various platforms, including original SNES, GBA, PS1, and emulators. I actually imported the soundtrack from Japan back when that was a big deal; learned how to play The Phantom Forest as a trio with my brother on guitar, me on piano, and my mother on recorder;  my username for years was "Shadowiii" (based on the character and my belief it was III for the longest while); and made games with sprites based off the characters. So it's safe to say I have a decent emotional investment in the game.

So...how about we get on with the actual review, then? Also, there will be minor (and major) story spoilers, but come on. The game is almost twenty years old. You'll survive. 

Thanks Shadow, old buddy. 

Final Fantasy VI's story isn't entirely unique to itself. Apparently thousands of years ago there was magic in some form, but due to man's inhumanity towards man (or something like that) everybody nuked each other in the War of the Magi, an event referenced throughout the game but only partially explained. Magic was erased, and everybody lived happily ever after.

That is until an evil empire (known only as "The Empire") decided it would be a good idea to revive magic in some attempt to dominate the world...more than they already are? From the offset of the game the Empire seems to be in charge of everything, with only a few minor kingdoms still resisting rule (or simply allying). I guess they needed magic to take over the world, but considering they already owned 3/4 of it, reviving magic seemed a bit like overkill.

It's not over until I say it's over!

Anyway, the game starts following Terra (or "Tina" if you are into the Japanese version), a young girl oddly gifted with powers of magic who has been enslaved by the Empire. When an Esper (essentially a summon from all other Final Fantasy games) has an odd reaction to her that frees her from her enslavement and begins to reawaken old memories, you and your somewhat massive band of followers (fourteen!) have to figure out what the crap is going on, how the Empire is involved, and how to overthrow it while not repeating the War of the Magi.

By blowing up a factory! Wait...

The story in and of itself is interesting, starting off simple with a resistance group called the Returners (who do nothing over the course of the game. Go team.) and eventually escalating into a full-blown magic war that literally destroys the world. Yes, the villains actually win (which makes sense, considering their resources and prowess) half way through the game, and destroy the entire world, leaving you to pick up the pieces. Such a great twist. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

As mentioned before, Final Fantasy VI has an insane number of characters. Mains such as Terra, Locke, Celes, Edgar, Sabin, and Cyan are mixed with lesser developed ones such as Relm, Strago, Gau, and then completely random guys like Mog and Gogo. While it is essentially character overkill (though the last dungeon, which requires you to split into three parties of four to tackle the massive area from three different fronts, is awesome), what is surprising is how well they pulled this off. Yes, you could say there was a lack of budget that required them to "back the camera up" and not focus in on just one main character and instead just give them all minor (or no) amounts of backstory, but bear with me a moment and I'll explain what I think about this.

This isn't even all of them; we are missing Gau and Shadow. 

One of the Final Fantasy series' greatest draw (and in my opinion, greatest weakness) is they are essentially in-depth character stories. Final Fantasy IV heavily focuses on the Dark Knight Cecil's transformation to become a champion of light. Final Fantasy VII follows Cloud as he unravels his past and has an emo-off with Sephiroth. These games get very close knit with their characters, but this is where I think things sometimes go bad. Because the relationships are so close, Square feels the need to make them excruciatingly melodramatic. Long stares, people saying "..." or "tsking" (if voice acting was around) constantly, close ups on people's vacant expressions and overblown reactions, the whole business. It's because they are so dedicated to making this an in-depth character story that the plots are essentially weaker, because once they get too close they take the whole thing too far. I'm not saying the rest of the Final Fantasy games have bad stories; far from it. I'm saying they have very, very melodramatic ones. There's a lot of good under there, but it's veiled by their attempt to make the game so personable that it goes a step too far.

This is where Final Fantasy VI works. Because there's such a large roster and they wanted everybody to have at least some backstory, many of the characters were skimped on a little, and the rest were presented through shorter, less drawn-out scenes. Heck, most of the best character stories (Shadow's dreams, Cyan's return to Doma Castle) are completely optional and missable. Yes, there are scripted sequences (during the first half mostly), but the meat of most of these stores happens by coincidence. You'll never see the coin scene in Figaro Castle (arguably one of the best scenes in the game) if you don't take the brothers Edgar and Sabin there together. You'll never know that Shadow is Relm's father (I warned you about spoilers) if you don't stay an an inn multiple times while he's in the party. There's just enough depth for nearly all the characters (again, exception of the weirdos you pick up at the end which have no backstory) that you feel like you know them, but they don't beat you over the head with it. It's more like how you know your friends: enough to understand when things are important to them, but not like you are constantly in their heads. It works, which is why I think nearly any fan of Final Fantasy VI has a certain fondness for the majority of the cast, even though there are tons of them. 

Even though there's no "star" of the story, I've always felt this conflict was between Terra and Kefka. 

It's subtly, as I mentioned in my Nier review, which video games in general (but particularly JRPGs) don't tend to do well. By taking a step back, the story as a whole is stronger, because it forces you to use your imagination. Again, the only way you'll know Shadow is Relm's father is 1. If you liked Shadow enough to use him and stay at inns with him, because you are limited to how often he's in your party the first half of the game 2. Infer from the rather sketchy hints before you actually go to where he is in his dreams 3. Use your brain. The same goes for a lot of the rest of the game, to the overall story to the villains. Final Fantasy VI does well with it's "taking a step back" approach, because it makes you feel smart when you find things out yourself (a fundamental trick authors use to keep readers engaged). This doesn't happen...well, ever in games (except Nier I guess) so seeing it done so well here is a breath of fresh air. 

However, if the game didn't have a central character, it wouldn't have much of a drive to push forward. But if can't be any of the fourteen we control (though I've always thought this was Terra's story, even if the game stops pushing that after about the 1/3 mark), than who is it? Easy. It's the villain, Kefka.

Who might just have the most brilliant musical theme ever. 

Kefka is the Emperor's right hand man, and he's totally insane. He starts out just a little loony, but it's clear throughout the progression of the game that he's consistently losing it. He's an actual psychopath, unlike most villains who spend most of the game puttering around and waiting for the heroes to arrive to mess them up. He is OCD, obsessed about simple things like sand in his boots. He's inhuman and can't relate to people, poisoning a castle full of innocents simply because it would be easy and it entertains him. He flat out says he can't understand human emotion. When your party pours their hearts out to him in an attempt to sway him before the final battle, he has this to say about it.

Oh, Kefka. 

Kefka is as mentally unstable as an Arkham Asylum, and just as batty (get it? Batman joke.). Because of the lack of camera focused on one of your characters, the game seems to spend quite a bit of it focusing on Kefka, which is brilliant. Kefka, as stated above, is certified as mentally unstable. He causes destruction because he enjoys it, though he does seem to have a problem committing. He runs from nearly all the battles you are in when he starts losing, abandons his friends at a moment's notice, and even when he gets the powers of the gods themselves and destroys nearly all the world, he leaves some of it alive. Sure, he randomly burns towns, but he can't seem to finish the job, sort of waiting for you to all show up and force his hand. Kind of how a person with this kind of mental illness would act. 

Point being, Kefka is extremely clever and manages to be entertaining, formidable, and detestable all at the same time. He's my favorite video game villain, and for good reason. He has legitimate depth to who he is, and he works (even as just a tiny sprite). 

Plus you've got that laugh. 

There's probably more I could say about the story that would be eloquent and come off as sort of smart, but instead I'm just going to sort of gush for a few moments. Because something Final Fantasy VI does brilliantly is crafting excellent scenes around the characters. You could argue that your little squad as a whole doesn't mesh quite as good as it could (though the same can be said of any Final Fantasy game, where outside the original 2-3 people the other characters seems tacked on), but there is no denying this game is potent when it comes to its individual, powerful scenes. For the sake of memories, I'm going to "quickly" run through three of my favorites. This will be SPOILER HEAVEN so if you don't want to read it, I'll let you know where to skip to with the next BOLD ITALIC text. 

Waiting for Shadow

During the end of the first half (which is also the end of the second act), you are on a flying continent with essentially the three gods of magic that created the Espers and magic and all that stuff. Kefka kills the Emperor in what is actually kind of hilarious in a horrible, black humor sort of way, and starts messing with the statues to try and draw their powers to himself. Shadow, aka the best character ever, valiantly tries to stop him while your weakened party stumbles to the safety of the airship. As you run through the continent, a countdown begins for you to escape. When you get to the very end (usually with a minute or so to burn), the game prompts you to jump. If you do, Shadow dies fighting Kefka, and you get away sort of safe.

If you don't, you can hit "no" and say "Gotta wait for Shadow..." If you do, during the final five seconds of the countdown Shadow will appear and he'll be alive the second half of the game. If you don't, he's gone. Permanently. 

Oh man, that scene is so good. I could gush about it, but I think it speaks for itself. The fact it's completely optional, without any specific prompts, and you as the player have to want to risk the game's judgement (aka reload a save, which is a distance back at this point) in an attempt to save Shadow is freaking brilliant.

Cyan and the Phantom Train

I said in my Nier review that few scenes get me emotional, but this is one of them, every freaking time. After Doma Castle is poisoned and the warrior Cyan has to watch his family die due to Kefka being a horrible bastard, he joins your party to seek vengeance on the Empire. A soft spoken warrior, Cyan rarely shows his emotions (even after actually seeing his dead family he bottles it up to return to the battle), which is why this scene is so damned heartwrenching.

You make your way into a forest and board a mysterious train. It's a moment later you realize it's the train the escorts the dead to the beyond, so you have to get the crap off. After suplexing the engine with Sabin you finally get off at a station, just in time to see Cyan's wife and child getting on the the train. He chases after them, but it's too late. They call their final goodbyes and he has to watch them leave him forever. 

After that is when the game gets brilliant. The music completely cuts out. Cyan is standing at the edge of the station, looking at his feet. If you have Shadow, he's silently standing aside, not able to look at Cyan. If you talk to Cyan he said nothing, and if you talk to Shadow he tells you to leave Cyan alone. You can't sprint if you have the Sprint Shoes, you can just walk in the silence, waiting. 

Several moments pass as Cyan remembers his family, and the game continues. Absolutely incredible. 

The freaking opera scene. 

So everybody knows about this scene, and it might be what the game is most famous for. After you join the Returners dedicated to kick some empire butt, you learn that a man name Setzer has the only airship this side of the Empire. Locke (your thief) and Celes (your magic general who switched sides from the Empire but is still torn on her decision) head to an opera house as they've heard Setzer has a thing for the lead singer Maria there (who you never see, surprisingly enough). Once you get there the house is in shambles: Maria is gone! But due to some strange fluke, Celes looks exactly like Maria. So they enlist her to sing the part to bait Setzer.

Implausible story bits aside (how the heck could Celes, a general, sing like a freaking "opera floozie?"), this scene is unmistakably powerful. You have to learn Celes' lines and pick the right ones least you sing wrong and get kicked out (though I suggest you do that at least once; it's hilarious), control her as she dances, and thwart an attempt to mess everything up by Ultros the purple octopus. Keep in mind this is, for the most part, interactive. You are just as much picking lines and moving as you are watching the opera, which is great. 

But there are two really magical parts about this scene. The music, which despite using a tinny midi "voice" to sing the lines still works, and the analogy at play here. The music is a given: this is Uematsu's best work, filled with clever nods and subtleties, and the opera swells and fades beautifully. But what else is clever is the fact they picked Celes to be the star, not Terra. This wasn't an accident. The opera is a story about a woman torn between two men from the east and the west, one being the kind-hearted but downtrodden one, the other wealthy and powerful. Just like what Celes is going through right now, torn between the Empire and the Returners. It's a pretty blatant analogy once you see it, but disguising it as the memorable opera might have thrown some people off guard. Regardless, this is a beautiful scene, and certainly one of the finest in all of gaming. 

And now back to our regularly scheduled program. 

END SPOILERS

Now that we are finally off the story, what about the game? Well, Final Fantasy VI is a traditional JRPG affair, with random battles and level grinding and loads of equipment to buy and find and equip and all that stuff. The trick is that every one of the 14 characters plays a little differently, having the same basic stuff (attack, magic, items) and is then given one final ability that is unique to them (Morph, Steal, Blitz, etc.). While this is a fantastic idea in concept (an attempt to make the characters more interchangeable while still keeping them unique, something Final Fantasy VII didn't do as well), in execution it needed some more thought. Both Sabin and Edgar have moves that cost no mana, hit all enemies, and do insane amounts of damage. Shadow is the only character with an insane dodge stat, a built in powerful counter (and you can equip a weapon to make him counter more) and can seriously bring the pain. Terra's ability, Morph, doubles all her damage. She can do it once a fight for an extended period of time, but with the exception of the final boss you can usually murder any boss in the game before Morph turns off if you are even remotely skilled at JRPGs. There is literally no reason to not have that above be your party, as they are the best optimized.

Other characters have abilities that range from "ok" to "awful." Locke's "Steal" is helpful early on, but it's a conditional thing. It's good when stealing from bosses, but I wouldn't trade it for a powerful Blitz. Celes' Runic lets her absorb magic and get mana from it, but it's first dependent on equips and she can suck her own team's magic, which in the end of the game is useless. Relm can copy and then possess weaker enemies, which is neat but I'd hope you are more powerful than the random encounters by that point so that cloning them is a waste. Gau can steal enemy styles in what is actually a really cool idea, but getting the Rages is tedious and again...why would I use this instead of a Blitz or Autocrossbow?

But hey, the boss music rules. Just try to not kill them too fast that you can't hear it. 

It's horribly imbalanced, to say the least. Due to the fact Terra, Edger, Sabin, and Shadow can all equip powerful weapons (even though Terra should probably have just used staffs like Strago, since she is a mage), using weapons is just as viable as magic for 90% of the game. This also makes the game stupid easy, with only a few challenging parts if you are stingy with your potions or MP. 

Still, I think the game is fun, even if it isn't that much of a challenge. Battles are really quick, which helps because they pop up all the time. Leveling happens at a pretty consistent clip, as does learning spells. You gain spells by equipping "Espers," and after battles earn horribly named "Magic Points" (vs "MP," which I only discovered was a different thing on my third playthrough) to learn a variety of spells. As with most Final Fantasy games, all status effects are useless, so stick to straight damage and heals. Again, as it stands this is pretty much par for the course for an SNES RPG, and despite all my bashing there is a draw to the systems at play here. Because it's so fast it never gets frustrating, you get upgrades (both levels and weapons) quickly, and so you are constantly being rewarded either by leveling up or story segments. It's balanced bad but the pacing is excellent, and since it's so easy you really don't need to level-grind much. Which is great: more time for the awesome story. 

Yes, more Kefka. I think he's funny, come on. 

The game also does an interesting switch up half way through. For the first two acts of the story you are pretty much set in a linear path, with the exception of the very end. Since you don't have a controllable airship for a while, you are shuttled to where you should go via plot, though it does mix it up by splitting your party and other things. It isn't really until you go on the flying continent, Kefka blows up the world, and your party is scattered that everything changes. What was once a linear game is now completely non-linear. You start stranded on an island as Celes, in what is one of the most isolated feelings in any game. After being given the taste of freedom on an airship, now you are on a destroyed world, not knowing if anything else exists. Trapping you was a brilliant idea in and of itself, but that isn't the point. The point is you go out to find the rest of your party members, and the game forces you to find two of them. After that, however, you can do whatever. Want to try and fight Kefka with just three people? Knock yourself out. Want to find everybody? You can. Want to do side missions for said characters? Also an option. It becomes the definition of non-linear, which is a dramatic shift. And it works. Which is cool. 

Yeah, I kind of didn't know how to wrap that thought up. Sorry. 

This game is graphically gorgeous. This and Seiken Densetsu 3 (essentially a sequel to Secret of Mana, which never came out in the US) are often considered the gold standard for the SNES pixel art games, and it shows. Despite being clearly a grid-based tilemapping system, you'll be hard pressed in many instances to find the seams, a sign of an excellent pixel artist. Sprites have a wide variety of emotions that work despite them all being tiny caricatures. The enemies look incredible, bosses especially, with a level of pixel art detail unheard of. The landscapes are well animated, every place you visit is interesting, and despite copious use of "pallet swapping," the game still has enough original content to keep encounters interesting and fun.

Ok, time for the big guns. The music. THE MUSIC. 

Nobuo Uematsu, you are a genius. 

Final Fantasy VI has the best soundtrack of any game ever. Period. Hands down. No questions. Every single track in this game sounds beautiful. You can complain because it's basically just the SNES's midi chipset, meaning everything was probably done by Uematsu on a synth keyboard, but whatever; I do not care. It all sounds beautiful and breaks the lines between background music and actual, memorable songs. I cannot think of a single song in this game I do not like. And there's like a hundred of em'. 

So I could go on and on about how specific tracks are brilliant, like how Kefka's track perfectly describes him as it starts out a whimsical and almost goofy and then gets darker and darker until the end. I could talk about how Terra's theme also doubles as the incredibly haunting world theme during the first act, but it shifts during the second because the story is no longer just about her. I could talk about how the Figaro castle song double as both Edgar and Sabin's theme using musical style to brilliantly express this, and how it so perfectly compliments the softer "Coin Song" when you go over the two brothers' pasts. I could show you how the basic town music from before the world is destroyed compliments the new town music after the world is destroyed, and if you put them side by side how incredibly similar they are. I could talk about how the ending boss song is twenty minutes long and is a mixture between a Bach Fugue, Kefka's theme, the opening theme (brilliant), and just general awesomeness.  I could talk about the opera, which is just...urrrrrr it's so good! But since I've already talked enough and secretly slipped these hints in (or not so secretly), I'm going to focus on my favorite or at least my first noticed musical trick Uematsu slipped in: Locke and Celes' themes. 

So Locke is a treasure hunter with a secret: despite coming off as carefree, he let the one woman he really cared for down, to the point where she is essentially in a coma the entire game. Upon meeting Celes he is determined to not let this happen again, promising the standoffish former General that he'll protect her, even though she is more than capable of protecting herself. 

Here's Locke's musical theme, which is a great song in and of itself for our free-spirited thief...er, "treasure hunter."

And here is Celes', which is actually a variation off the Opera theme, albeit without vocals. 

Pretty good stuff, eh? It gets better.

So like I said before, video games mess up romances. That's why I liked The Prince of Persia, Enslaved, and Nier so much: the romance wasn't shoved in your face. It's pretty clear to everybody that Locke and Celes have a thing, though nobody particularly gets all teary-eyed about it or even really acknowledges it, even in the very end.

But Uematsu knew. And because he's a genius, he showed everybody that we were supposed to know, even if nobody would say it on screen. He said it in his music.

During the ending of the game (I am avoiding spoilers as best I can here, I promise), everybody is escaping Kefka's tower (because you killed him. Spoiler.) and the game sort of goes to each character individually, playing a recap of their song before showing a resolution (sometimes comical) regarding that character. Each character gets their own turn and variation on their songs.

Except Locke and Celes. Their part is together. And this is what plays. 

YouTube is being stupid, so please skip to 6:12.

He wrote their themes as a duet. The whole game you were hearing these songs, and after 30 hours you now realize they were meant to fit together. It's crazy brilliant, the transition between Celes' and Locke's themes. 

Added bonus being that Shadow's theme is directly following Relm's (seeing as Shadow is Relm's father), though the game never explicitly explains why. 

I could go on and on about the music, but I've already talked enough about this game, so I'll just say what I said before: It's the best game soundtrack ever. No exceptions. 

Plus it has this kickin' dungeon theme. 

I can't believe it...I might actually be out of things to say about Final Fantasy VI. I'm certain I could conjure up some more if I really wanted, but instead I'll just leave this where it is.

Is Final Fantasy VI a perfect game? No. No game is perfect. This game has its share of flaws, the most glaring being the lack of balanced characters and general easiness of the battles. But despite that I think the battles in this game are still fun, bosses especially, and if you really are bothered try playing a game with all the mediocre characters in your party. It's a challenge!

So no, Final Fantasy VI isn't perfect, but I still think it's the finest game ever. Why? Well, plenty of nostalgia and rose-tinted goggles to be sure, but also because it was a first love. I enjoyed games before Final Fantasy VI, I really liked games. But I don't think I really bought into them until Final Fantasy VI. It was this game that inspired me to start making my own games in High School, and from that stemmed me realizing I wanted to be a writer. It's had a massive amount of influence on my life, however indirect, and that's pretty awesome. 

It also is just a solid game. Yeah, you can tear it apart and find faults, but I can't match its experience. While the argument for "best game ever!" for everybody is such a subjective thing that my argument for it is moot anyway, I can totally say it is my favorite game ever, by a very long shot. 

If you haven't played it, you are a bad person, and need to get on it. It's on almost every system known to man, including emulators, so go get it. Right now. 

Saying "five out of five stars" seems a bit redundant, but we aren't breaking tradition now. For a 100th review, my favorite game ever. Now I'm going to go flying off into the sunset. 

See you next time...