Saints Row: The Third

The Short


Pros
- Zany, stupid story that never takes itself seriously
- Massive open world to screw around in, with "screw around" being the key word
- Dozens of side missions and things to do, all of which are original and really fun
- Buying shops and earning income means you are never completely without money
- Leveling system ("Respect") tiers unlocks until you are an invincible gunslinger
- Vast amounts of character and vehicle customization
- Everything in this game is streamlined and done correctly, cutting out the mundane and only leaving the enjoyable
- Great licensed tracks
- Voice acting is excellent throughout, especially the main female voice
- One of the silliest, most "pure" sandbox games I've ever played


Cons
- Due to your stupid companion AI, some of the side missions are incredibly obnoxious
- Its attempt at crass humor works well most of the time, but it does fall into "tasteless" territory frequently
- Cussing is a bit much; they like their f-bombs
- Absurd amount of collectables mean you'll never 100% it. You'll be finished with the game at around 30 hours.
- City is big but seems underpopulated, with people and cars being sparse in several areas
- One of the endings is great, the other is depressing and doesn't fit with the theme of the game
- Needs more tracks on the radio; you get tired of them quick
- No one man should have all that power

Welcome to Steelport. And yes, you do drive a tiger around in a side mission. 

The Long

Saints Row: The Third is totally bananas. There's just no other way of describing it. It's a game where one of the first things you unlock is an arial guided missile. Like, as a weapon you can just use anytime. That's one of the first things you get after the handgun. It's a game where the second mission involves jumping from a jumbo jet without a chute, then after you get the chute you abandon it as another jumbo jet tries to ram you, and you kick through the front window, momentum carrying you through the whole jet while you blow it up from the inside and then fly out the other side, just in time to catch your dropped chute and float to safety. It's a game where you hijack a military plane, and when things go bad you drive a tank out of the cargo bay, free-falling in a tank while shooting down other planes and people mid-air. 

Not to mention driving tigers around, getting a hoverbike with mounted machine gun, base-jumping from hundreds of feet in the air, and ramming planes with your plane. Yeah, this game is nuts.

Hoverbikes are always useful. 

I think now would be a good time to say I usually don't enjoy modern, city-based sandbox games. I never really was partial to the Grand Theft Auto series (I found it boring), and the only modern, city-sandbox game I really liked was Prototype, and that was because it took all the traversal stuff and streamlined it. Even Crackdown, where I was supposed to be a super cop, was bogged down by some game interface choices and the awful climbing.

But I LOVE Saints Row: The Third. It's an insane blast from start to finish, and I really think just about everybody should at least check it out. Seriously. It's nuts.

Wanna run around buck-naked and shoot mascots? You can do that too. 

The story is just as idiotic. After Saints Row 2 (which I have not played; this is my first entry into the Saints Row games), the Saints Row Saints (imaginative name, guys) are so amazingly popular and famous they've basically sold out. Oh yeah, they still rob banks, but as they do the tellers ask for their autographs before opening up the vault. You know things are goofy if you rob a bank wearing giant masks that look like the head of the Saints Row Leader, who is with you during the mission and wearing a giant head that is a picture of his own head. Yeah, what? So weird.

Anyway, it seems since you are now corporate whores who sold out, a bunch of other gangs are getting in on your space. So what do you do? You burn 'em out. The three gangs are all goofy: The Morning Stars, which appear to be basically just...I dunno, whores? Something like that. The Luchadores, who are exactly what you think (including masks), and the Deckers, a nerd/rave/video game themed gang that seems to love anime and ninjas and just generally being massive geeks. They are all trying to get in on the Saints' space, so your job is to get them out! Then when the military gets involved things only escalate further until the whole thing becomes a stupid cluster-freak of idiocy.

Yeah. You get tanks, too. 

But who cares about the main story? This is a sandbox game, so most of your time will be spent messing around. And this is where Saints Row: The Third really shines: this game wants you to have fun being stupid. It isn't like Grand Theft Auto, where it's trying to be super serious all the time, and it isn't like Crackdown where it pretends you have freedom but is really super restraining. Saints Row: The Third is perfectly tailored to you, as a player, and the game plays as such. Need a car? If you ever take one to a garage you own you can unlock it by visiting any other garage in the game, free of charge, and it will even save all your upgrades. Or you could just call somebody on your phone and they'll drop it off in a second. Need a hoverjet? They'll drop that off too, just a call. Need to hijack a car? Your character will jump through a windshield and be behind the wheel in under a second.

Everything that I hated about open world modern sandboxes: clunky pacing, attempts at realism that hinder freedom, all of that...it's gone, streamlined away. Guns have tons of ammo and have excellent aim (and no cover system) and can be upgraded to absurd levels. Money is easy to get: like Fable 2 you can buy properties and then after every ~15-30 minutes of gameplay you'll receive a hefty deposit to spend on what you want. It's so perfectly made you can't ever get frustrated at the systems at play, as they offer no restrictions. It's a true "sandbox."

The character creator is accessible at any time, allowing you to switch everything at any time, including gender. 

The customization is pretty nuts too. Clothing and plastic surgery stores are all over Steelport (which actually results in a pretty hilarious joke about it as part of the story missions), which let you change anything at any time. Changing your physical appearance is cheap, and clothes can be customized and bought and then accessed at any time from any store via your wardrobe. You can save outfits to be swapped out later as well. Basically, you can do almost anything, within reason. It isn't as nuts as, say, Soul Calibur's character creator, but it gets pretty close. 

But all this doesn't matter if the core game underneath isn't fun to play. And, luckily, Saints Row: The Third does that right, too.

Don't forget to pose for the fans. 

Aside from buying shops, driving around, and just acting like an idiot, Saints Row: The Third has tons of side "challenges" to do while you are just messing around. Things like driving into oncoming traffic, doing wheelies, power sliding, throwing people great distances, falling from really far, base jumping, car hijacking, getting your photo taken by fans, finding collectables, surfing on the top of cars, blowing up stuff, and more all add to a persistant challenge system, and all progress earns you "Respect." Respect is basically just experience, and when you rank up you unlock more abilities you can buy. The abilities rangs from summoning people to assist you, to taking less damage, to doing more damage, and so on. When you hit max level and buy the final upgrades you are invincible to everything (including fall and bullet damage), have unlimited ammo on all weapons, never have to reload, and have a bunch of jets and cars and other weird stuff. It kind of takes the challenge out at that point, but whatever; it's funny and kind of stupid.

Point being, everything you do earns both cash and respect, so expect to be rewarded for doing crazy, stupid stuff (there's even a challenge for "windshield launcher," where it saves the total distance you've ever gone after crashing a car and flying through the windshield). Brilliant.

There's just so much stuff to do. 

When you aren't just dicking around, there's loads of actual side stuff to do. This ranges from getting in a tank and trying to do as much property damage as possible (with dollar signs popping up everytime you blow stuff up) to driving around with a tiger where you have to drive fast to keep it sated but not hit anything or else it'll get pissed and attack you. There's helicopter escorts, races with an "explosive" twist, and my personal favorite: insurance fraud. For that one you run into oncoming traffic and ragdoll, trying to get hit by as many cars as possible to rake in the insurance money. It's delightfully stupid, and there are dozens of these missions ranging in difficulties (oh yes, and the awful Japanese Game Show parody which is just so stupid I can't help but laugh at it) so you'll never get bored between missions.

Everything controls great. Guns are snappy and aim well, and while some of the controls are unconventional you'll get used to them quickly. It's easy to switch between weapons and to get out what you want, hijacking cars is a cinch, and basically everything flows together really well. I honestly can't think of a game that beats this one out in the pure "fun" factor, with it all coming together into an incredible package that is stupidly entertaining. With "stupid" being a key word there. 

Wanna dress like a hooker and just blow stuff up? You can do that too. And earn Respect doing it. 

Graphically, Saints Row: The Third look great. It isn't gorgeous or anything, but the bright visuals and massive city you are put into all looks excellent. There is some bad popin when you are flying, with buildings in the distance sort of "appearing" as you draw close, and large portions of the city look kind of...boring. And underpopulated. There's an ok amount of cars, but a surprising lack of pedestrians. Then again, considering the frequency at which they are run over, I'd stay indoors too. Explosions look fantastic and, as a whole, it isn't going to graphically turn heads but it works. 

Sound design is fantastic, especially the voice acting. I recommend playing through as a girl and using the first female voice, if only because it's the same voice actor as Kaine from Nier (who was also Rise in Persona 4, oddly enough) and she is really good. The script fits its stupid/funny theme throughout, never getting too dumb or crass (except maybe one or two instances) while the voice actors know full well they aren't meant to take this seriously. It works at pulling off that 12-year-old humor, much like Shadows of the Damned and unlike Duke Nukem Forever, while still being compelling. Excellent work. My only complaint would be the gratuitous use of the f-bomb. Again, I'm fine with swearing in my games when it serves a purpose (either for humor or drama, don't care), but Saints Row: The Third throws it around so much it loses all its meaning. They do use the cursing right from time to time, but if your ears aren't prone to such vulgarities you might want to turn the volume down or something. 

There are also loads of Tron references for the Deckers gang. Including what might be the best mission ever. 

As it stands, Saints Row: The Third is a video game, and it knows it. It doesn't pretend to have a vast narrative or provide some sort of life-altering experience. It gives you a bunch of playthings, a big city to play with them, and says "Go nuts!" while being certain the systems in place don't hinder your fun. It's a superbly made game, one that shows that you can empower a player well while still making an exciting and challenging game behind it. It lasts a long time, too; I beat every side-mission, bought every shop, and completed the main story and all the assassination missions in under 30 hours. After that I had the carjackings and challenges left (and the collectables, ugh), but that stuff was tedious work and I didn't want to taint my overall experience, so I called it done. I'm not sad at all; those were some wild 30 hours. 

If you think your modern-day open world games are getting too serious or pretentious, you should absolutely check out this game. If you loved Crackdown, this game will be a godsend in comparison. If you thought Grand Theft Auto is getting a little too big for its britches, try out Saints Row: The Third. Seriously, if you are a video gamer you should at least rent this game. It's just...so pure. Such a pure, excellent game. So, to quote the GiantBomb team's oft repeated statement: "You really should go and play Saints Row: The Third."

Five out of five stars. Really. Go check it out. Funnest game I've played in recent memory, no joke.

Plus, that garage/crib song is just kickin'.