Fable

The Short


Pros
- Excellent RPG taking you from boy to man in the shoes of a Hero
- Spec out three separate spheres - magic, ranged, and melee - based on how you use them
- Moral choices and freedom let you shape your character and the world
- Tons of options available, from tattoos to hairstyles to clothing and armor
- Action-RPG combat system that has a surprisingly decent melee and a fun ranged system
- Game looks great, sounds great, and really sucks you in

Cons
- Doesn't fulfill even a sliver of the promises made by Peter Molyneux, aka the biggest gaming liar ever
- Despite having tons of depth, all of your character interactions are stale and shallow
- Story is stupid nonsense with a bland payoff
- Load times are so, so so so long.
- Lots of little dumb problems that probably sounded like good ideas on paper get annoying quick
- Really easy
- Magic sucks except Time Slow, which is overpowered insanity
- Can't play as a girl
- Where my acorn, Molyneux? WHERE'S MY ACORN?

Off on an adventure (all screenshots from the PC version)

The Long

Believe it or not, there was once a time I didn't waste my days submerged in video game news and information, and because of this I missed all the hype spouted by Peter Molyneux about this game until after the fact. I remember my roommate and neighbors at the time were super excited about this game coming out on Xbox my freshman year of college, and I have no idea what they were talking about. When the game finally did show up, some were disappointed, some were elated, and some didn't care. I gave the game a run-through on my roommate's Xbox and guess what? Having literally no idea what this game was and with no expectations, I loved the crap out of it. Fable is a game series that has always done well in immersing you into a massive, sprawling world that you feel you are really a part of. But while the sequels kept trying to capture the magic of the original while piling on more and more of Molyneux's broken promises, I still feel the very first Fable is the best game in the series, and a must for any action RPG fan to play. And here is why. 

First, you can look like this! 

Fable's story is nothing to write home about. Essentially "Hogwarts, but replace 'wizards and witches' with 'heroes,'" Fable stars YOU! Yes, YOU! A young hero boy, who only wanted to buy his sister a nice present before douchebag bandits showed up and murdered everybody! Luckily some hero wizard guy shows up and, rather than showing up ten seconds earlier and saving everybody, he shows up later and says "tough deal about your family. But YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY!" and off you go to Albion's School of Heroism and Really Big Swords. Where you know it's racially diverse because there are two black people in the whole world. But that isn't the point.

Anyway, there's some story arc revolving around your mom and sister still being alive, and Jack of Blades being a big bad...person for some reason and you have to kill him before he ruins Hogwarts, and...ok, the story is stupid. Luckily for you, the little side stories (and all the voice work) is excellently done so you'll have a much funner time just running around messing with people than doing the actual story. It's weak, unmemorable, but also isn't particularly important for games like these (where you are supposed to be telling your own story), so I'll give it a C- but let it pass the class. This time. 

And here is the headmaster, Dumb...er, Bumblebore!

The story is just a setting to say: "You have to help people, or you can be a massive jerk to them, or both. Also: magic." The actual game in Fable is pretty simple. You have three schools of combat to work with: physical (being melee), agility (being shooting stuff with bows), and magic (being...magic). What is cool about how this system works is that every time you kill an enemy you get both general XP as well as a bonus XP based on how you killed them. If you bashed them a lot with a sword you get red Physical XP, shot them a lot you get yellow Agility XP, etc. General XP can be spent anywhere, while the specialized have to be used in their specific tree. Meaning the more you use one type of sphere, the better you get at it, though it's still easy to multi-class as you just have to start using a sword more to get XP for that specific area. It's something Oblivion did like crap and Skyrim did really well, so it's good to see Fable streamlining it to a point that it works almost perfectly (even if it is a bit too easy).

But aside from that, the real fun in Fable comes from the simple idea of just messing around and making your person exactly the way you want to. Fable was one of the first games of recent generations to really push the whole "Morality System" thing that now stinks up every game that seems to come out, though it did so in such a comical and over-blown way that I'm willing to forgive Fable for starting this trend. Basically you have a bunch of options in Fable. Want to give money to people and be their friends? You can do that. Want to murder everybody in town and steal all their stuff? You can do that too. Want to sacrifice people to some demi-god of darkness and get the best bow way early in the game? Do it. Want to be a pansy nice guy and donate all your hard-earned money to charity? You can do that too. The point is that everything you do adds either good or evil points to a slider, and where that slider stands can influence many aspects of the game.

Oh crap, I forgot to talk about combat. We'll get to it.

Be really good and people will love you, you'll glow with inward goodness, have a halo, and butterflies will flutter around your pristine hairline. If you are evil you'll bald, giant horns will pop out of your head, your eyes will burn red, flies will buzz around you, and the ground beneath your feet will burn. So yeah, pretty stark contrast. It honestly doesn't do much aside from make you look weird (and have people run away from you); the overarching "story" doesn't have any influence and nobody seems to care if you are evil or not except nondescript NPCs, but it's a nice artistic touch.

Anyway, let's go back to the combat, which is actually pretty simple. Melee is usually just button mashing, though if enemies block you can instigate a guard-block break move when you combo enough (also a knockdown move) to keep it busy. Archery requires you to pull the bow back (the time of which can be decreased with level-ups) and then fire for maximum damage. And magic...well, it sucks, to be honest. It's never particularly powerful and most spells are useless, except Time Slow, which is the biggest hack in the world. So just learn that one. 

Combat is extremely easy, especially if you play an archer and know where to get the best bow in the game on like the third mission. There's also no penalty to wearing heavy armor vs light robes, meaning you should always wear heavy armor all the time. There's also no real stealth in this game, which is too bad, since I wanted to make a ninja. Basically the combat is fun but not particularly challenging, and if you stock up enough on potions you'll make it through the whole game without dying. 

You can augment weapons with certain runes, ala Diablo II 

Back to the random crap: there's lots to do. Getting married, buying shops, cutting your hair, getting tattoos, getting scars if you suck at fighting and take a lot of hits, doing random quests; the list goes on. What actually matters is this: I felt immersed in the world. Yes, it's really just a string of different areas linked together with awful load times, and yes it is actually a very limiting world once you dig deep (again, no stealth system, etc.) but I didn't care. I got connected to my character in ways few games do. Being able to provide so many levels of customization made me attached, and the fact that the camera stays close behind helped me always keep an eye on him. I wanted him to be the most evil bastard Albion had ever seen, and I dressed him accordingly and slaughtered everybody with awesomeness. I really felt like I made the guy I wanted to make for the first time in any video game, and it was an experience.

And you stab lots of guys

I could go on, but I think I covered it enough for now. The point is thus: Fable is a fine game if you go in with moderate expectations. Is it flawed? Yes. Did it totally fail to live up to the expectations? Yes. But as a game it's fun, quick, and sucks you into its world. Which is more than enough for me.

Graphically this game looks really good on both original Xbox and especially good on PC, even now. The game is colorful and flashy, with character models that have a cartoony British flare that has since become a theme of the series. Sounds are also fantastic, with excellent voice acting all around, though I wish your character spoke some time. 

Now go forth and fish!

I can't say much for where this series went - Fable II was ok and Fable III was an abomination - but I still have a good deal of fondness for Fable. Something about it really resonates with me (and most of my friends, based on their opinions) so much so that I'll go back and replay it every couple of years. If you enjoy action RPGs where you "forge your own destiny," than you really owe it to yourself to check out Fable. Though if you do be sure and grab Fable: The Lost Chapters; it has an expanded ending as well as some more weapons. 

And while I still say it's flawed, I really think everybody should play Fable. There's something in it for everyone.

Five out of five stars. 

Yay for Fable!

Kirby's Epic Yarn

The Short


Pros
- Vibrant, charming adventure starring Kirby in Yarn World
- Simple 2D platformer across several varying worlds of adventure
- Kirby transforms into zany stuff at set intervals to mix up the gameplay
- Despite not having his trademark eating, still feels like a Kirby game
- Graphics and yarn aesthetic do a lot to sell the presentation
- Handful of secret levels to unlock and an apartment to furnish
- Music is pretty mellow and stuff
- Two-player co-op
- Excellent game for children

Cons
- Extremely easy; it is impossible to die
- Co-op suffers from the same issue as New Super Mario Bros Wii in that you can shove people off cliffs, pick them up and kill them on accident, etc.
- Despite being easy, it can get frustrating when you get hit and lose all your beats, especially in co-op
- Very, very short
- Kirby and Prince Fluff's voices are supposed to be cute, but they are more likely to make you want to put a cheese grater to your ears
- A bit too simple of a platformer; there's never any real dexterous challenge or build up to something harder

This is Kirby. And yes, he is made of yarn. 

The Long

Kirby's Epic Yarn is pretty damn adorable. To quote Alex from GiantBomb,"It makes me angry how f***ing much I enjoy this game!" Everything else aside, Kirby's Epic Yarn has an art style that is unique, endearing, and just straight up clever. Yeah, you could argue they aped a bit from Little Big Planet's "scrapbook" look, but while that was kind of a weird mishmash, Kirby knows what it wants and is dedicated to it. Kirby is made of yarn. In yarn world. Where even the water is cloth. Yeah. It's nuts.

AND REALLY ADORABLE URGH WHY.

Anyway, um, there was supposed to be a review here, so let's get to it. I played this whole game with my wife co-op, by the way, so if you want to see her opinion on the game she reviewed it on her blog as well, so check it out.

Clothing it up with a yarn monkey

So there's a story I guess...Kirby is sucked into Yarn Land for a reason and he's tasked with finding magic yarn for other reasons. The story is narrated as a slow-as-a-snail pace for the kiddies by an overly exaggerated excited narrator, which meant I skipped all of it. So if there was some extreme plot twist where Prince Fluff ended up being Kirby's dad or something I missed it. Sorry. You'll have to play it yourself. 

My version of the plot was: tear up every yarn thing, pull ever tab, and wreck everything until I got til the end with all the beads. Which worked out pretty good.

Since Kirby is made out of yarn and therefore is just a connected string, his trademark power to eat stuff and steal their abilities is oddly absent from this outing (making me wonder if this actually counts as a Kirby game). Instead you have the power to grab stuff and either kill it, or wrap it up and then lob it at other stuff. Pretty simple. 90% of enemies, regardless of size, can be grabbed, and if they can't than you can throw stuff at them or "butt-stomp" them to death easily enough. 

Pull zippers to dramatically change the landscape in real time! Call of Duty's got nothin on this!

It's a pretty simple platformer. You have a parachute hover (which of course means one thing: air vents in future levels). You have a butt-slam. You can double tap to go faster. Each movement is accompanied by a little yarn transformation, which is a cute touch. In fact, 90% of what sells this game is the cute touches. As seen from screenshots, you pull tabs to remove fabric, pull zippers to change landscapes, "unwind" from time to time to fit in small gaps, etc. It's all still like "Baby's First Platformer" (at least until the harder levels), but I'm fine with that.

You also can turn into some pretty awesome stuff and spread ruination to your enemies (who many of which can't even hurt you; seriously, you can jump all over them and ram into them and they just hang out. Ok.). These include miners, dolphins, UFOs (my favorite, since you "abduct" hapless enemies), a car, a surfer, and a giant robot hell-bent on one goal: global nuclear meltdown. 

Doom Robot Kirby ain't taking your bullcrap.

The "this is a kid's game" is only further accented by the fact you can't die. Like, at all. We tried, trust me. If you get hit all the beats you've accumulated come flying from you like fleas off a dog, and if you get hit when you don't have any beads Kirby just sort of slumps over depressed until the enemy gives you a pat on the back and everybody feels better. Seriously, that's it. Fall off a cliff and an angel will save you every time, get hit by fire and he'll turn black and burned but end up ok, etc. It is impossible to lose at this game. Which is actually a good idea, since the lives idea in games is total bullcrap anyway, and it just makes the player waste time they shouldn't. While this might be a step too far...it's for kids. So it works.

The bosses look awesome and yarn...ish. 

There's a fair number of worlds, with the final one (a yarned-up Dream Land from other Kirby games) easily being the standout, but they cover all their basics. You have your starting green fields, a fire/egyption one, a "Treat Land" which I pointed out over and over only has one level devoted to food (and no yodeling bass chef. Point for the food level goes to Rayman Origins), one in ice because a fire and ice level are mandatory for platformers, a space level, and a water level (again, mandatory). It's your basic stuff, and while they don't really mix up the gameplay by any serious amount between levels, it's easy and the levels are quick enough that you don't care.

The game also has co-op, which is fun...to a point. My wife can attest that on both this and New Super Mario Bros Wii we kind of have marital problems because I'm a lot better at platformers than her, and when that happens in games where 1. You can shove people of cliffs on accident and 2. You often grab the wrong people on accident and 3. You share point (meaning if I get a bunch of points and my wife gets hit, all my beads go flying) this becomes a problem. It wasn't a problem in Rayman Origins (yes, I sing that game's praises every 2D platformer review now. Maybe because it's really good; shut up) because everybody collected their own crap, but being able to accidentally shove people, pick them up and throw them (which happens a lot on accident) and more makes co-op arguably more difficult than single player. Nintendo still doesn't know how to do co-op in their 2d platformers, which is too bad, but whatever; it's a kid's game. If you aren't such a bead-hording, score-seeking a-hole like me you'll probably get over it and have a lot of fun co-op. 

Throw your partner into the pit of flame. Just like you did to your Companion Cube. You Monster. 

So it's a simple, 2D platformer with co-op and a cloth aesthetic. Is there anything else? Well...sort of? After you beat a stage boss if you did well enough on said boss you'll unlock three bonus stages for each level, which gives replayability. After each world you are scored based on the amount of beads you have, with the goal being Gold, so if you are OCD that's another reason to go back. You can also find tons of secret furniture to adorn your yarny apartment (though once you get the Brontosaurus Slide in the dino worlds you don't need any other piece of furniture...ever) and you can cash in your points for new cloth, furniture, and play crappy minigames with other people in your apartment.

This sounds like a lot of content, but to be honest you'll probably burn through this whole game in 6-7 hours tops, adding maybe another to it if you want to clean up and find every object and get gold on every stage. It's a short experience, at least with two adults, though kids might get stuck on the harder levels and add some more playtime value. Either way you cut it, though, it's more about the ride than the length, so just don't expect it to be super long and you'll be ok. 

This game really looks good.

Despite not being in HD, Kirby's Epic Yarn looks amazing. It doesn't need to push pixel density or hefty graphics to fit its cute and cuddly fabric theme, and it's just so gosh darned cute you'll be willing to forgive just about any technical shortcoming. My only complaint is I wish they took it further at times. Zippers show up a lot at the beginning and disappear later, with a lot of levels just being regular platforming levels set on a fabric backdrop but not utilizing their unique setting. Still, it looks cute, and thus we will take it.

Music is all extremely slow, mellow, with a very heavy emphasis on piano. None of the tracks are memorable, to be honest, but the "chill" feel fits well with the game. The only exception are the Dream Land stages, where they take regular Kirby themes and apply this mellow feel to them. Green Greens, aka the best Kirby song, just sounds awesome. It's weird, considering how insanely frantic the original GB song is, how this version still works. 

It sounds especially good starting at 0:39

Sound effects are...there. Kirby and Prince Fluff's constant obnoxious, high-pitched squeals are great for kids but for a jaded twenty-something I wanted to find a way to turn them off. But hey, it all depends on your "Japan cuteness" tolerance, so if it's high than you are set. 

Cloth dinosaurs. Game of the Year. 

I'll say this pretty frankly: if you have kids and a Wii, you should own Kirby's Epic Yarn. Yeah, it might not be the hardest platformer or the longest one, but that's because you are an adult. They made other games for you (called Super Meat Boy or Rayman...I won't bring it up again, you know what I'm getting at), but rarely does anybody create a game so obviously tailored directly towards children. It's a charming, inoffensive romp that's both cute and accessible, and the co-op makes it great for kids to either play together or with a parent. 

All that being said, the fact that it's short and I want to strangle Prince Fluff everytime he makes a sounds has me suggest you pick up this game when it's $25 or below. Which I'm pretty sure it is right now, so you are set. 

Four out of five stars. 

UFO KIRBY WILL ABDUCT YOU MWHAHAHA

Space Marine

The Short


Pros
- Violent, bloody fun as a badass Space Marine from the Warhammer 40k universe
- Strange mix of third person shooting and a heavy emphasis on melee combat actually works
- Lack of a cover system or regenerating health (you have to execute enemies in cool ways to "heal") is a neat concept and keeps you in the action
- Lots and lots and lots and lots of Space Orks for you to dismember
- Multiplayer is surprisingly good, with the elements from the single player moving over nicely
- Excellent game to relieve stress; makes you feel way too powerful for you own good, ala The Darkness II.
- Looks and sounds fantastic
- Very loyal to the Warhammer 40k mythology and universe

Cons
- Single player drags on about an hour longer than it should
- You only fight Orks and (spoiler?) Chaos. There's like 80 jillion races in the Warhammer 40k universe, guys.
- While I enjoyed the repetitive slashing/bashing/shooting, there are some who will find it boring quickly
- Despite having a reverence for the lore, the story itself doesn't use it to its full potential
- The "execute enemies to heal" works great until you realize you can never heal with ranged weapons, and some parts of the game require you to use ranged weapons only
- Final "boss" is an underwhelming set of quick-time events
- If I hear anybody say "Space Marine!" one more time, I might have to punch something

Suffer not a space ork beastie to live. 

The Long

As mentioned in my Dawn of War: Dark Crusade review, I have a weird affinity for the Warhammer 40k universe without actually investing any time in it aside from playing the Dawn of War games. So when Relic (the same dudes that made Dawn of War) said they were making a third-person action game set in the world, I figured...how could they possibly screw this up? It's going to be a third person shooter like Gears of War, right? But against Warhammer stuff? I'm down. 

Well the game came out and guess what: I was right. It was pretty awesome. For exactly the reasons I thought it would be. Space Marine (another winner of the "Imaginatively Titled Game" contest) is a bloody awesome good time, and fans of action games, shooters, or just the Warhammer 40k universe should check it out. 

It's also kind of bloody. 

The story is unfortunately one of the weakest points of the game. You follow Captain Titus of the Ultramarines who go down to some forge world I already forgot the name of because the stupid Orks showed up to wreck shop. So after your ship gets shot down but you just sort of jump from it to an Ork ship because it ain't no thang if you are a Space Marine, blowing up that ship and crash landing it, you get in on the action. And by action I mean killing thousands of Orks (I think I killed 3,000 enemies in the Single Player alone).

And that's pretty much most of the plot. There's a run-in with Chaos Space Marines at the end (not a huge spoiler; there's a Daemon on the box if you look close enough) with a "twist" and a traitor that is so predictable I now label Captain Titus as dense as the Jedi Council in the Star Wars prequels for being able to detect corruption among his ranks. Anyway, nothing a chainsaw-sword can't handle, and even with another weird "twist" at the end the story doesn't really go anywhere. You show up, kill a bunch of guys, kill some more guys, game ends. Alright. Way to draw deep from that extensive Warhammer 40k well, Relic. Even your RTS games had more plot than this. 

Captain Titus does not like Orks

Luckily the game doesn't need much of a story, because 99% of it is spent carving up enemies, with the remaining 1% being running to the next scene where you cut up more enemies. The gameplay in Space Marine is surprisingly unique; if you were like me and thought it would be heavy on third-person shooting (like Gears of War) with a splash of melee, you'll be in for a surprise. Space Marine actually strikes a decent balance between ranged and melee combat, with melee being far more powerful and much more useful (in most cases) than shooting. It's kind of like Dynasty Warriors meets Gears of War, but in a Warhammer 40k universe against legions and legions of Orks. Which is pretty cool.

The big mechanic is the fact that you are a badass, and since cover is for non-badasses, there is no cover system in this game. You have a regenerating shield, but should they punch through that your only way to get health back is via violent execution moves. Essentially these chain off your melee attacks. "X" will do a quick, straight-damage melee which can chain into a powerful area smash. But if you throw a "Y" in there it'll stun the enemy (or enemies, depending on where in combat you mash it), allowing you to execute them with a finisher. These a violent, crazy, and don't get as repetitive as you might think. Killing enemies this way restores health (and you are given a slight damage reduction while executing should your health be low, but you can still die mid-regen) and is the only way to restore health. So the game highly encourages you to get in and get your hands dirty, which I'm all for. 

Seriously, he kills 'em without prejudice. 

You might worry that it gets repetitive and...it does, a bit. Luckily the game encourages you to mix up your combat, with ranged weapons doing high amounts of damage and headshots coming easy (and being immensely satisfying). You also fight through boatloads and boatloads of stupid Orks (for about 75% of the game that's all you fight) which means you could potentially get tired of it. I, however, found it as great stress relief. Playing as an insanely overpowered Space Marine just smashing everything to bits (you get a Storm Hammer that literally is the most overly powerful thing ever) is amusingly satisfying, and the absurdly over-the-top kills only amplify the experience.

It isn't perfect, though. Aside from repetition, there is no way to gain health via shooting (you'd think headshots would give you a touch of health back, but I guess not), and there are many points where you are battling against ranged-only enemies. In this instance getting life back can be well-nigh impossible, and can result in some cheap deaths.

Chaos sucks. 

The ending bits are also too long on the single player, mostly because fighting Chaos just isn't fun. They all have heavy ranged weapons (the problem with this mentioned above) but also are super tough; going toe-to-toe with them in melee combat can be a near thing every time, and they are bullet sponges to boot. After playing a whole game feeling powerful and confident, having that stripped away rather quickly changes the entire feel of the game (and I was actually taking cover. Gasp!) and not for the better. The last quarter of the game is not nearly as fun as the first quarter, and it was also when I started thinking the game was unfair.

Aside from that, however, the majority of Space Marine's single player is certainly worth experiencing. As a unique blend of third person shooting, melee combat, and visceral executions it is quite fun to play, even if the last sections are a bit grueling. Also, why Chaos? What about the fifty thousand other races in the Warhammer 40k universe? Why are we only fighting Orks and Chaos Marines over this whole game? You had like eleven races by the time Dawn of War ended; get with the program!

Titus leaves only sadness and death in his wake. 

The multiplayer is, surprisingly, excellent and unique. You get to pick from three classes: a balanced soldier-esque class that uses fast firing pistols, a heavy weapons clunker with high damage and slow movement, or the jump-pack melee expert (you also get a jet-pack in single player, which is some of the best parts in the game). The more you play the more gear you unlock, allowing you to create custom mixes of weapons, though you are still limited to the three basic classes. The emphasis on mixing up both melee and ranged combat (and the lack of cover whatsoever) makes battles fast, furious, and bloody. If you are ranged your goal is to keep everybody at a distance, while the jump-pack people will be bombarding you from above in an attempt to get close. It's totally bananas and really fun, and the handful of traditional modes (capture the flag, team deathmatch, etc.) do well with Space Marine's unique system.

It also has a free DLC "Horde" mode, Exterminatus. This is essentially 20 waves (with a bonus 21st wave if you clear them all) battling legions of Orks as a four player team, which again works very well with the systems at play. It is pretty buggy, though, especially on the final wave (we had enemies getting stuck in geometry frequently) but playing with friends is a rush, though I wish they'd included more maps (you can buy more but...nah. I'm good.)

Not kidding; you kill a lot of Orks. 

Graphically the game looks fantastic. It's very loyal to the Warhammer 40k mythology, down to the dialogue, terms, and the way everything looks. That does mean that guns and characters look a bit like toys (since Warhammer 40k is primarily minifigs) but it's easy enough to overlook for all the zanyness that's going on. The only exception for things that don't look good are the character's faces. They never emote, ever, and their tones are bland and impassive. I get that these are hardened warriors who just sort of shrug off killing a bajillion guys or any problems they encounter, but it makes for uninteresting characters and boring cutscenes. Spice it up!

You can also color and make your own Space Marine in multiplayer, which is pretty neat!

Despite it's rather poor final act and a bit of repetition, I had a great time playing Space Marine. Maybe it's because I have that weird love for the source material, but I found it to be a rush from beginning to end, and the surprisingly solid multiplayer was just icing on the cake. Considering I got it for $10 from a Gamefly sale (which included the online code! Bonus!) I'd say that's a perfectly reasonable price to grab it at and have a great time slashing up "xenos" (which I'm guessing is Space Marine talk for "beasties").

Four out of five stars. 

Just droppin' from space, not giving a crap...

Week in Review for 3/25/2012 - Indie Game Bonanza and Contest!

First off: I have the plague. Ok, not the actual plague, but the flu punched me pretty hard all over yesterday and today. I still managed two reviews yesterday, but that ain't gonna happen today; I'm too braindead. The fact that this blogpost is going up alone is a miracle.

To help celebrate the fact that I want to be dead right now, as well as the fact that we got 19 indie games reviewed this week (bringing the total to 134), we are going to have a contest! For indie games! Yay!

Here is what you can win! All of these are Steam codes, so you have to have Steam to use 'em:

- A code for Post Apocalyptic Mayhem
- A code for Runespell: Overture
- A code for Greed: Black Border


I find it ironic that none of these games I actually reviewed this week, but whatever. PAM is a hybrid third person car game with a car shooter, Runespell is an RPG that uses poker elements (much like Sword And Poker on iOS), and Greed: Black Border is a space duel-stick shooter with a loot system much like Diablo.

In order to enter, here is what you have to do:

1. Comment on this blog (or my re-post on Giant Bomb) saying which of my reviews you liked the best!

2. If you Tweet a link to my blog (either the main page or this week in review) you'll get a second entry

3. If you post on Facebook with a link, you'll also get another entry

So you can get up to three total. The first place winner will get to pick from one of these three codes, second from the remaining two, and third gets whatever is left. Easy enough?

Just respond saying if you tweeted/facebooked it along with your entry; I'll believe you either way. Also include a method of contact (if it's on Giant Bomb I'll PM you, but if its on this blog an email or twitter account would be nice) in case you win.

And now, this week's reviews.

The Dishwasher: Dead Samurai - 4 / 5 Stars
The Dishwasher: Vampire Smile - 5 / 5 Stars
VVVVVV - 5 / 5 Stars
Amnesia: The Dark Descent - 5 / 5 Stars
Hoard - 2 / 5 Stars
Jamestown - 4 / 5 Stars
Trauma - 2 / 5 Stars
Cogs - 4 / 5 Stars
Scoregasm - 3 / 5 Stars
The Ball - 3 / 5 Stars
Atom Zombie Smasher - 4 / 5 Stars
DEFCON - 3 / 5 Stars
Bit.Trip Runner - 4 / 5 Stars
Crayon Physics Deluxe - 2 / 5 Stars
Breath of Death VII: The Beginning - 3 / 5 Stars
Cthulhu Saves the World - 4 / 5 Stars
I Made A Game With Zombies In It - ? / 5 Stars
Miner Dig Deep - 3 / 5 Stars
Swords and Soldiers - 4 / 5 Stars

Be sure and comment so you can win MAD PRIZES! I'll announce the winners during next Week in Review!

Swords and Soldiers HD

The Short


Pros
- Simple to pickup 2D RTS game with a surprising amount of depth
- Play as three distinct races: Vikings, Aztecs, or Chinese
- Decent-length campaigns and challenges keep the value up
- Has a nice, cartoony look about it
- Story is inane stupidity that perfectly compliments the goofy visuals
- Balancing units, magic, mana, and gold can get complicated quick
- Surprisingly addicting, plays best on a tablet (Kindle Fire, in my case)

Cons
- Does look a bit like a glorified flash game
- Some levels can be unfairly difficult
- Computer/tablet versions don't have split screen multiplayer
- Voices get annoying pretty quick

Time for some silly slaughter

The Long

Swords and Soldiers, despite having perhaps the most unimaginative name in the world, is a surprisingly competent indie RTS. And while I say "RTS" I could also say it's a Tower Defense game, or even a Reverse Tower Defense game. It combines elements from all these genres, while still being both simple enough to easily be picked up by your mom, while complex enough that some genuine strategy is required. It's RTS-lite, on a 2D plain, and it makes for an excellent game to pass the time with (especially on your phone or tablet).

Vikings vs Aztecs? Fighting over BBQ sause? Alright...

The core goal of the game is simple: kill the other base. In order to do that, you'll have to build miners (who gather gold automatically from nearby gold mines), construct towers (on pre-determined spots), learn and use magic, and amass an army. There's about five distinct units for each civilization, and while that doesn't sound like a lot, they vary so differently that it's more than enough. You also have around four-five spells at your disposal, ranging from a poison bomb, a heal beam, or even summoning Thor's mighty hammer as a temporary tower. 

The strategy come with the fact that most of the game (aside from unit building and spells) is automatic. Constructed units will blindly run towards the other base (usually to the right in single player), attacking whatever they find along the way until they die. While there are a few paths that split and then rejoin, for the most part you are just sending people to their deaths en masse. Since units have cooldowns, you'll have to strategies which ones to send when, and then use magic to manipulate the order they arrive to battle. Be prepared for lots of units dying and plenty of wars of attrition as you try to outsmart and outmaneuver your equally competent enemies. 

The tech tree is limited, but it is enough. 

The main strategy comes with magic. As stated you have a moderately sized arsenal, but spells can easily turn the tie of power. A properly placed heal on a Viking berserker, for instance, can have him mowing down three or four units for the cost of his one. Hitting a group of enemy miners with a poison bomb can destroy the economy long enough to get a push in. Mind controlling a powerful unit can easily turn the tide of battle. Spells cost mana, which regens automatically (and can be upgraded to regen faster for gold), so you can't just spam spells and hope you'll win. There's a fine balance between when to use offensive and defensive magic, one Swords and Soldiers skirts very well. 

Stuff can get hectic real quick.

The game wouldn't work if it were unbalanced, and luckily Swords and Soldiers pulls a Starcraft and balances its unique trio of civilizations perfectly. Vikings tend to be slower, more expensive, but also more powerful. Aztecs use unique unit abilities like poison, raising skeletons, or units that rush to overwhelm. And the Chinese have multiple immunities as well as cheap AOE damage, making them quite formidable as well. It's a good balance, and since the single-player campaign has you switch between the three of them, you can test them all and see which best suits you. 

The PSN and Wii versions have single-box multiplayer, which is cool. 

The single-player is hearty and has plenty for you to do before you'll get bored of it. On the Wii and PS3 (the PS3 has Move support) you can play single-screen multiplayer, which is great, but I don't have that version so I can't attest to its quality (I'm assuming it's mad fun based on the single player). Tablet and phone versions as well as the PC version don't support this, unfortunatly, though the PC version does have online multiplayer through Steam. 

Graphically the game's comedic, cartoony style is vibrant, endearing, and fun to look at. While I will admit it does look a bit like a high-end flash game, I'm willing to forgive it because of its zany art style and colorful cast of unique characters. Music and sounds are decent, though I got really sick of hearing the "I looooooove gold!" voice from the Viking miners whenever you build them. 

For an asking price of $10, Swords and Soldiers is worth looking into.

I personally picked up this game from the (currently going) Humble Indie Bundle for Android II, which you can get this one for beating the minimum. I heartily suggest getting it, especially if you have an Android device. It plays really well on my Kindle Fire (finally! Something to use that stupid Kindle Fire for!) and the touch-screen controls feel much more tactile than the mouse and keyboard ones (and I'd imagine playing it with a controller or Wii-Mote would be a bit harder). It's a very simple game that gets complex (the best kind!) and its charm and fine-tuned balance certainly sell it. For a normal going rate of $10 on the consoles (and with added single-seat multiplayer) I'd say to certainly give it a look. 

Four out of five stars. 

I will only play as the Vikings. Why? RED BEARDS. 

Miner Dig Deep

The Short


Pros
- Fun, simple mining game
- Digging deeper and unlocking more and more new utilities is addicting
- Use elevators, ladders, and more to construct the perfect mine
- Let me use the "You dug too greedily and too deep!" line from LOTR on my wife whenever she'd die
- To quote my wife's one sentence review: "This game is freaking awesome."

Cons
- Deaths can be very cheap and send you all the way back up to the top
- Can take a long time once you are deep in to get all the way to the bottom of your mine
- Lantern oil is the most annoying thing ever
- Controls, especially jumping, can be very picky
- Looks pretty ugly
- Could have used some more music

Believe it or not, this game is pretty dang addicting

The Long

Miner Dig Deep reminded me a lot of Minecraft, if you took all the construction parts out of Minecraft. One of the first games to pop up and see relative success on the Xbox Live Indie Games, it is a mining game with a simple goal: get rich or die mining. As you get deeper and deeper in you unlock better tools, upgrades, and find more valuable minerals. It's an extremely simple concept, but there is a draw here that is undeniable. 

The only way is down

You start the game with a limited amount of lantern oil, a weak pickaxe, hardly any inventory space, and little money. As you dig you find such things as copper and iron, and then take them back to the surface to sell them. Light is essential, as it both shows you what is in the walls around you (so you can bee-line for the expensive stuff) as well as if there are dangerous rocks above you, which will come crushing down ala Dig Dug and mess up your day. 

As you gain more and more money and dig deeper you'll find blueprints...lying around underground (that makes a lot of sense) for new tools and upgrades. Soon you'll be building ladders so you can get to deeper, more fruitful parts. You'll have to upgrade your lamp so it won't die out by the time you get down there. You'll need a stronger pick so you can burrow through the ground faster. 

Next thing you know you'll have massive elevators, spanning hundreds of squares to get you up and down as quickly as possible. You'll be able to carry massive amounts of loot. Your lantern's radius will fill the whole screen and last forever. Your mine will be a huge pit of activity, with each trip earning you loads of cash. You'll find warp points that'll take you to new places and see new sights. 

And then you'll reach the center of the earth's molten core and...well, I'll leave the ending for those who get to it. 

Don't dig yourself into a hole! Hur hur hur. 

That is essentially the entire game: digging deeper and deeper, getting upgrades, and finally reaching the end. The game paces upgrades nicely so you'll be getting them quick, but also makes it so you'll be anticipating the next set shortly after getting the most current one. There's a weird draw to dig deeper, as if you can make it to the lowest levels you can make crazy amounts of cash, but risk losing your lantern light. Again, it's an extremely simple game, but has a sort of weird appeal for those who get sucked in.

It isn't without problems. Jumping is the biggest one; your miner can jump high but often has problems mounting a ledge without several tries. Another issue is the cheap deaths: fall too far or get crushed by an unseen rock and you're all the way back up to the surface with none of your harvest, and at the end of the game that can be a 3-4 minute trip back down.

The game also looks pretty uninspired. I can tell they were trying to be cartoony, but it looks amateurish at best. Animations for the pickaxe are bland and the dirt is one uniform texture. The music is also obnoxious, with only two songs: one on the surface (which you won't hear much of) and one underground (which you'll get sick of pretty quick). 

"WE MUST GO DEEPER!"

Despite the myriad of faults, Miner Dig Deep is an excellent diversion for those who want to turn their brains off and dig the ultimate cavern. It can be a cool experience to have an awesome, streamlined mine, and the fact that the game ends (something I was worried about) means you have definite stopping place. It's worth the $1 for sure, though I'd suggest picking up the six-minute demo to test the waters beforehand. If lots of repetitive busy-work isn't your thing in games, you might want to steer clear.

Still, it's a charming indie title that deserves the success it's been getting. Three out of five stars. 

I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MBIES 1N IT!!!1

The Short


Pros
- Has zombies in it
- They come shambling out from the sides
- You'd better shoot them or you're gonna die
- It costs a dollar (and I hope you pay)
- 15 minute dual-stick shooter that reminds me of Smash TV
- Scales for up to four players
- Subtly lampoons other dual stick shooters (Asteroids, Geometry Wars, etc.)
- That song. 

Cons
- Ends.
- Leaderboards only save locally
- Joke gets old...ok, I'm kidding, it doesn't.
- Is only 15 minutes long
- Kind of ugly
- Laser gun is total garbage

As you can see, there are zombies in this game. 

The Long

It's hard to review I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MBIES 1N IT!!!1 because it's kind of like explaining a joke to somebody who has never heard it. This game popped up on the indie store as the demented brainchild of James Silva, the same dude who made the excellent Dishwasher games. I got the trial simply because the title was so absurdly stupid (man I hate "Arfenspeak" or whatever the actual internet term for it is), determined to run through the six-minute demo allowed and then delete it.

I bought it after about two minutes. 

Seriously, how the crap do I explain why this game is so appealing?

It's really hard for me to not say anything without spoiling the experience. Let me just cover the basics: this is a dual-stick shooter. Of which there are about eighty quad-zillion on the Xbox Indie Games network (right next to awful text adventures with pictures of slutty anime girls). Powerups randomly spawn that give you some firepower to take out the zombies (and other enemies. Bonus!), and it ramps up the difficulty to near insane-levels by the end, especially with four players. The game scales the difficulty, you see, but none of my friends can seem to make it to the last several minutes of the game, so I get to do it by myself. Thanks, guys.

As far as dual-stick shooters go, it's hard but fair, with controls being tight (though your guy moves a little slow) and the perfect balance between annoying and fun (hey, like the Dishwasher games! Fancy that!). So as a game, it's totally competent, even if it's only 15 minutes long and then it everybody dies and the game ends. 

There's also a zombie rave going on in the background. 

So I've been putting it off but the real reason you'll buy this game is the song. Which I'm going to try to not spoil, but if you are afraid that I'll ruin a $1 indie game, just skip to the next picture.

The song is stupid. So very, very stupid. James is singing to you about the game. About how it has zombies, how you should buy it, and how the zombies will kill you if you don't shoot them. As the game progresses and the zombies (gasp!) go away, the music changes to fit what you are shooting. On an Asteroids-esque stage it's sort of a beepy, space song. On the shape-based stage, it sounds like something from Geometry Wars. It's surprisingly clever for what has to be a throwaway joke, but you'll be too busy trying to not die to really notice.

I make a big deal about incorporating story into gameplay elements in subtle ways, like Braid's ending or Nier's plot twist. To my incredible surprise, Z0MBIES actually does this, the song and story it relates flowing perfectly with the gameplay experience until it, the game, and the story are one complete whole. But if Nier just sort of tapped you on the shoulder and gave you a wink, Z0MBIES is blunt force trauma to the back of the skull. Again, it's the integration of all these things (the visuals, the rave, the song, and the weird gameplay) that make the joke work. So explaining it sucks. Just buy it, it's a dollar. 

I'm running out of screenshots, so I'd better end this. 

The point is, Z0MBIES is a dumb stupid, but I swear there's something deeper here. Like...it all just works together so well that it couldn't have been coincidence. Why else would this blow every other Xbox Indie Game out of the water in terms of sales and reviews? As one always fighting for our games to be tighter knit and better put together, it kind of hurts to admit how well this game does it. I mean, it's just a stupid dual stick shooter. But once I started hearing the song...I had to have it. And I had to show it to people. Who then bought it and showed it to other people. I don't know why.

This might be the best game ever made, or maybe it's the worst game ever made. I really have no idea. But I guess it's funny (and reviewing it made me listen to the song again on YouTube, and now I'll probably go home and play it again even though I have better games like Space Marine to kill my time) and I guess I bought it...and all my friends did too...so...um...I don't know.

Just...buy it. What kind of star rating will make you buy a game? Five out of five? Four out of five? What is "video games?" Oh man, I'm losing it. Just go get it. Or don't. But you should. Urrrrggghhhh....

I...what...who...sigh.

Cthulhu Saves the World

The Short


Pros
- Entertainingly ridiculousness story about how Cthulhu must save the world in order to then destroy it
- Same good writing from Breath of Death VII, and more of it
- Jokes are better and the scope of the game is much larger
- Graphics are substantially improved
- Battle system is similar but has been somewhat refined
- Insanity system is entertaining and fits the character
- Great music

Cons
- Still has the problem with overly long dungeons
- Battles can still turn into just mashing A over and over; balance isn't that much better
- Still has a high number of random battles and level grinding

It's time to save the world. Again. 

The Long

After the surprising success of Breath of Death VII, Zeboyd games set their sights on a new but similar RPG experience, Cthulhu Saves the World. Featuring the same goofy setup as their previous game, this one was meant to be both parody but also be able to stand up on its own two legs...er...tentacles? Anyway, with improvements around the board, has Cthulhu learned from Breath of Death's mistakes?

For the most part, yes. Cthulhu Saves the World is an excellent throwback to the JRPG games of yore, much better than its predecessor. 

It looks tons better, for starters. 

The script has been improved, if only because there is more of it. The story is silly but still oddly captivating: Cthulhu, the primeval demigod, appears for some serious world-destroying but is cursed out of his powers. The only way to restore them is if the world is saved, and so thus begins Cthulhu's epic quest to save the world so that he'll get his powers back and...destroy it. It's absurd and silly, with narration and plenty of arrogant, stupid lines from Cthulhu (and a rather entertaining first gag where a rag-tag band of Thief, Rogue, and Wizard engage you to "save the world") as well as his fans, a cat, and all other weirdos who decided to follow you around. There's a lot more lines of dialogue in this mix, and the absurd premise only helps push it further. For laughs, Cthulhu Saves the World nails it.

The overworld also looks loads better. 

The battle system has seen a few tweaks, though at its core it is still exactly the same as Breath of Death VII. It's a turn based, party based experience, with duel branching leveling trees for each character and a variety of skills. A new mechanic, however, is Cthulhu's ability to make enemies "insane." This changes their sprite to a more hilarious (and more crazy) version, and can often make enemies turn on their own party, stop attacking, or all other sorts of zany things. Some enemies, however, get stronger after they attack, so you have to be careful.

The rest of the system is exactly the same as Breath of Death VII, so you can saunter on over to that review if you want an in-depth look. It feels a bit more refined, with battles actually requiring a bit more skill than usual rather than just mashing "A," but this isn't a tactical turn based masterpiece or anything. It's simple, sort of easy, and generally unfulfilling in the battle department. Which is too bad, because I think the battle system could really get great should they utilize it better rather than forcing the stick to the "retro" roots. Maybe next game. 

The enemies also fit a weird Lovecraftian theme, in their own goofy ways. 

Dungeons are a bit better, but still too long. The annoying mazes have been somewhat toned down (exception being that zombie village...ugh, that wasn't fun) and there are more of them, but it still really feels like a chore to traverse the maze where the only thing in your way is like a pile of sticks. Seriously? Cthulhu is being thwarted by a pile of sticks? Or a half-broken car? Come on. No more maze dungeons, please. They aren't fun.

However, unlike Breath of Death VII, the level of "retro" they forcefully injected into this game didn't turn me off. Could it have been designed better? Yeah, probably, but you are going into this game for a retro, NES (or maybe Genesis, based on the improved graphics) RPG experience, and it delivers that in spades. You'll have to have some tolerance or fondness for the old systems, but if that's your thing this game nails it pretty much spot on. 

I'm getting some serious Final Fantasy IV vibes from the graphics. 

Graphics are crazy better (get it? Cthulhu joke.) in nearly every aspect. Battles now have pretty backdrops instead of being on straight black, the tiles for the towns and world map are well drawn and very colorful. The sprites are still a bit bland, but the enemies look much better (maybe because they are in front of a backdrop now, who knows) and the whole thing is just seriously aesthetically pleasing. The portraits still don't really match the graphics they are portraying (pixelate 'em more, guys), and I swear the menus look too HD for what this game is trying to go for, but I'm nitpicking. For a throwback game, it looks good. End of story.

Music is also fantastic all around, same as the excellent Breath of Death VII, with some surprisingly epic songs lurking inside this indie title. 

The final boss song is pretty good. 

To be completely blunt, this is the parody throwback I wanted. While I enjoyed Breath of Death VII when I played it, it wasn't until I burned through Cthulhu Saves the World that I realized exactly how flawed it was in comparison. It's funny, stupid, and hits all the right notes for the old JRPG fan. If you have a computer it's only $3, so you might as well go nab it off Steam if this is your thing. Here's hoping in future games they refine the battle system to something special, but for now this game is good enough to keep you entertained during it's 5-6 hour length.

Four out of five stars. 

Yeah, this got awkward real fast...